The Promotion

Employee:Michael, could you sign off on this expense report?

Michael:I'm sorry, I'm exclusively big picture. Epic. I don't do the small stuff anymore.

Employee:It's literally your job to approve these.

Michael:That's middle management thinking. I'm visionary now.

Jim:Michael, can you sign this?

Michael:Did you say the magic word?

Jim:Please?

Michael:I don't know, Jim. I'm gonna need you to be a little more sincere about it.

Jim:Michael, please sign the document.

Michael:Hmm, still not feeling it. Maybe try again tomorrow.

Dwight:Jim is a huge problem. Enormous. Massive.

Michael:Dwight, that's not big picture thinking.

Dwight:The tallest guy in the office is ruining everything!

Michael:Okay, now that's big picture.

Michael:I'm not falling for it, Dwight. I know what you're doing.

Dwight:I don't know what you mean, sir.

Michael:Yes, you do. You're trying to get me to handle all the office stuff so you can slack off.

Dwight:That's not true. But someone has to do these things.

Michael:Not me. Not happening. I'm the boss. I don't do that stuff.

Dwight:So who will do it?

Michael:You will.

Dwight:But you just said I'm trying to trick you into doing it.

Michael:I know what I said. And I'm not doing it. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not doing it.

Michael:Who is the complaint about?

Jim:It's about you.

Michael:Jim, I'm documenting everything you say. For the record.

Jim:Michael, I'm not crying.

Michael:Your eyes are red, Jim. I can see the tears.

Jim:I'm not crying! I'm just frustrated.

Michael:It's okay to cry, Jim. I'm writing down that you cried. For documentation purposes.

Jim:Michael, stop. I didn't cry.

Michael:That's what you said last time, right before you cried.

Dwight:Jim got the promotion? That should have been me! I am clearly the most qualified person in this office.

Dwight:You know what? I challenge Jim to a wrestling match. Winner takes all. Loser has to leave Dunder Mifflin forever.

Dwight:The prize pool? $50,000. No, $100,000. I'm putting my own money in because I'm that confident.

Dwight:I'll body slam him so hard they'll feel it in Scranton for years. I've been training in Schrute Farms fighting techniques since I was three years old.

Pam:Jim wanted me to tell you that he can hear everything you're saying, and he thinks it's weird.

Dwight:FALSE. Impossible. My office is soundproof.

Jan:Michael, I need to speak with you in my office.

Michael:Okay. Am I in trouble?

Jan:No, I just need to discuss some things about your management style.

Michael:Oh. Well, can I also be a boss? Because I feel like I should get to be a boss too.

Michael:Organizations thrive when they have two leaders. It's a proven fact.

Michael:Look at countries — they all have two presidents.

Michael:And boats? Two captains. It's the only way they stay afloat.

Michael:Even the Catholic Church — two popes.

Michael:James, I'd like to speak with you about—

Jim:It's just Jim.

Michael:Right, right. Jimothy, let me explain something.

Jim:Jimothy?

Michael:That's not a real name, is it?

Michael:Look, yesterday's meeting about planets was not a waste of time. I was making a very important point about perspective. You see, we use toilet paper on our butts, right? And butts are small. Planets are huge. But we're even smaller than the planets. So really, when you think about it, we're all just... we're all just toilet paper for the universe.

Michael:I know what you mean. I had a nap yesterday at like 2 o'clock and I woke up and it was 2:30. Where did that half hour go?

Jim:Wait, you're actually agreeing to this?

Michael:Yeah, I'm surprising.

Jim:That's not... that's not what surprising means.

Michael:No, I'm surprising. I do unexpected things all the time.

Pam:I need to fit into my wedding dress.

Pam:I'm pregnant.

Pam:I don't know why I'm worried. I mean, look at all these celebrities who lose their baby weight in like two weeks. Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé... I can do that.

Pam:We were thinking we'd really like cash.

Jim:Yeah, just cash.

Pam:But we also want to be thoughtful about it, so maybe people could give us cash, but in a really nice box.

Phyllis:My cousin makes birdhouse mailboxes. He's giving us one as a gift.

Pam:Oh, that's... nice.

Phyllis:Yeah, we're really excited about it.

Pam:Mm-hmm.

Phyllis:Well, actually, we don't really want it, but we have to take it because he's family.

Stanley:Michael was in here threatening to fire people for not smelling something.

Jim:Michael, weren't you just in a meeting in the conference room?

Michael:What? No. I've been here the whole time.

Pam:But we all saw you go in there like five minutes ago.

Michael:That's ridiculous. You're all being crazy. There is no meeting.

Dwight:I was in the meeting with you, sir.

Michael:Dwight, stop it. You're confusing everyone. This is exactly why we need to focus on the work in front of us instead of making up stories.

Jim:Michael, can we have a private moment? There's a meeting issue I wanted to discuss.

Michael:Of course, Jim. You know I'm all about transparency and open communication with these types of people.

Jim:...these types of people?

Michael:Employees. I mean, the staff. You know what I mean.

Kelly:Oh my God, you guys are like so obsessed with each other. It's like when Heidi and Spencer were fighting on The Hills. But honestly, Heidi was totally justified because Spencer was being a complete snake, and everyone knows that LC should have stuck with Stephen instead of going back to Jason, and don't even get me started on what happened at the Heidi and Spencer wedding because that was literally the most dramatic moment in reality TV history.

Michael:I gave you the co-manager title.

Jim:No, you didn't. Wallace promoted me.

Michael:Yeah, but I let him.

Michael:Hello? Yes, this is Michael Scott speaking.

Corporate Representative:Michael, we're calling about the branch performance metrics.

Michael:Well, I appreciate you calling, but I should tell you that I'm not just the Regional Manager anymore. I'm also the Senior Co-Manager.

Corporate Representative:Senior Co-Manager? That's not a position we have.

Michael:Well, you do now. It's a brand new position that I created. Very prestigious. It means I have authority over all the managers, including Jim.

David Wallace:So as I was saying, we need to discuss the quarterly budget allocations and—

Michael Scott:That's what she said.

David Wallace:Michael, are you even paying attention?

Michael Scott:Of course I am. You're talking about... raises?

David Wallace:I can see you texting under the table.

Michael Scott:I'm not texting. I'm taking notes.

Michael:You know what? I find it very rude when people text during a phone call. It's disrespectful.

Michael:You know, Jim and I have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, we're a team.

Michael:Although, I have to say, lately I've been noticing his pores are getting really large. Like, disturbingly large. Has anyone else noticed that? They're like... little craters on his face.

Michael:I'm not trying to be mean, but it's hard to focus on anything he's saying when I'm just staring at those pores. It's like the surface of the moon up there.

Jim:Pam, can I ask you something personal?

Pam:We've already done it.

Jim:So we're breaking in at night?

Michael:We can just do it during normal business hours.

Jim:During business hours? Michael, that's insane.

Michael:Why? I'm the regional manager. I can do whatever I want.

Michael:You know what your problem is, Jim? You think too much. Smart people, they don't think. They just... know things.

Jim:That doesn't make any sense.

Michael:Exactly. See, you're thinking about it again.

Michael:Jim, Jim, Jim. Let me add to your pros and cons list. Pro: you're tall. Con: you have a calculator for genitals.

Jim:I've been conducting a scientific study of Michael's behavior. As you can see from this chart, Michael does almost no critical thinking.

Jim:This tiny slice had to be made bigger for visibility.

Pam:We don't want any gifts. We'd really just prefer cash.

Creed:So you want my money.

Pam:Yes.

Creed:I'll write a check for the wedding gift.

Creed:Let me make this memo really romantic and elaborate. 'For the happy couple, may your love be as timeless as the memories we share, as deep as the ocean, as boundless as the sky...'

Pam:I can't ask for money. What if they say no? I'll be humiliated. But what if they say yes? Then I'll owe them forever and they'll use it against me in every argument we ever have.

Pam:Wait... Pam Halpert. Pam... Halpert. Oh my God, that's going to be my name.

Jim:We should make another pros and cons list.

Michael:Jim, if you make me do another pros and cons list, I will kill myself.

Michael:Oh, Jim's so analytical. 'Well, let me think about this. There's avenue one, and avenue two, and avenue three...' And then what, Jim? Avenue four? Avenue five? You're just gonna keep going down avenues forever?

Jim:Your strengths include taking criticism well.

Michael:That's not true. I don't take criticism well at all.

Michael:Okay, fine. You're an idiot, Jim. And you're also a jerk.

Jim:That's not a tough decision, that's just insulting me twice.

Michael:No, it was a tough decision. I had to choose which insult to use first.

Michael:Alright Skippy, why don't you go ahead and tell everyone the bad news?

Jim:It's Jim.

Michael:I know what your name is, Skippy.

Michael:I hope he fails. I really do. I hope he crashes and burns, and I'm sitting right here in the front row, watching it happen.

Jim:You're all incredibly intelligent. I value your minds.

Oscar:Then why won't you pay us more?

Jim:Because... those are two separate things.

Oscar:No, they're not. If you value something, you pay for it. I value my car, so I pay for it. I value my apartment, so I pay for it. By your logic, you don't actually value us at all.

Michael:Oh, you're a genius. You're a genius! Why didn't I think of that? Oh, that's right, because I'm not an idiot.

Michael:Wait, is Jim paying you to say this? Is that what's happening here?

Jim:Knowing that you're smart should help you feel better.

Kelly:Well, it would help me feel better if Ryan knew I was smart. And if I had a yacht. Or like, a jet ski.

Meredith:My son needs new shoes. I can't afford them on what you pay me.

Michael:Okay, well, I'll tell him he doesn't get shoes.

Michael:The staff really does care about Jim. We have a lot of... heart. A lot of... hass.

Michael:A man, a plan, a canal... Panama!

Jim:That's not a palindrome, Michael.

Michael:What? Yes it is.

Jim:No, it's not. A palindrome reads the same forwards and backwards.

Michael:That's exactly what I said.

Michael:Okay, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna lock ourselves in the conference room until corporate agrees to give us raises.

Dwight:That's a hostage situation.

Michael:No, it's not a hostage situation. We're hostages... to our own ambition.

Michael:Okay, I'm ranking everyone by merit. Ryan, you're number one.

Michael:Wait, you're a temp. You're disqualified.

Michael:I have developed a revolutionary system for determining raises. I take a photo of each employee, print it out, and then place beans on their photo based on their performance metrics.

Michael:More beans means more money. It's foolproof. I call it the Bean-Based Compensation Matrix.

Michael:For example, Jim gets seven beans because he closes deals. Pam gets five beans because she's... Pam. And Dwight gets the whole bag because he's Dwight.

Jim:Why is there a picture of Toby in here?

Michael:I needed to draw his picture.

Jim:But I thought Toby wasn't allowed to play.

Michael:He's not. But I had to include him so I could exclude him from the game after I drew his picture.

Michael:Okay, okay, I need to think about this. This is a big decision.

Jim:Michael, it's just a raise. Pick someone.

Michael:No, no, no. You don't understand. This is my game. My rules. And I... I need more time.

Jim:You literally made up the rules five minutes ago.

Michael:Exactly. Which is why I should be allowed to skip my turn. I'm the boss.

Dwight:Jim's management style is equivalent to the Continental Congress. Ineffective, slow to respond, and populated by men who should never have been given power.

Dwight:Kevin is Benjamin Franklin - he shows up occasionally, contributes nothing of value, and smells like he's been in a tavern.

Dwight:Stanley is Thomas Jefferson - he claims to have principles, but he's really just lazy and contradicts himself.

Dwight:Pam is John Adams - undersized, shrill, and utterly ineffectual despite thinking she's indispensable.

Dwight:And Ryan is Benedict Arnold. Young, ambitious, and completely untrustworthy.

Creed:This is a very old, frizzy-haired picture of me.

Kevin:My time is just as valuable as yours, Jim.

Jim:Kevin, you spend half your day microwaving beans in the break room.

Kevin:Exactly. I'm in charge of bean distribution. That's a position of authority.

Jim:Yeah, and I report directly to corporate. So really, you report to me through the bean hierarchy.

Dwight:Jim, you don't have the qualifications to be in a position of authority. You lack discipline, focus, and any real business acumen.

Jim:Oh, and what qualifications do you have, Dwight?

Dwight:I have studied under Halpert's mistakes, I have mastered the art of the sale, and I have cultivated a network of alliances that would make a senator weep. Unlike you, I have real credentials.

Jim:What about Phyllis?

Dwight:Phyllis is matronly. That's a professional qualification.

Dwight:The time has come for us to rise up against the tyranny of Jim Halpert! He sits at his desk, mocking us with his smirks and his non-threatening behavior. But no more! We will storm his cubicle like peasants storming a castle!

Dwight:*medieval horn sound* Wait, what was that?

Dwight:Oh, it's just the clock. We installed medieval sound effects on the office clock system. It goes off every hour.

Dwight:Anyway, as I was saying, we must— *bell tolling sound* —dammit!

Dwight:Stanley, I need your opinion on something. I'm starting a revolution against Michael's management style.

Stanley:No.

Dwight:I haven't even told you the plan yet.

Stanley:I don't care. No.

Dwight:Stanley, I'm not asking you to participate. I just want your opinion.

Kevin:Wait, so the beans... they're not real beans?

Kevin:But I've been eating them this whole time.

Kevin:So what have I been putting in my chili?

Michael:You know what the worst part about management is, Jim? It's not the long hours, it's not the paperwork, it's not even dealing with corporate. It's having to make actual decisions.

Jim:Michael, that's literally the main part of your job.

Michael:Exactly. That's why it's the worst.

Michael:Jim, I got you something.

Jim:Oh, thanks Michael.

Michael:It's a bottle of scotch. For emergencies.

Jim:Michael, it's 9 AM on a Tuesday.

Michael:Exactly. You never know when you'll need it.

Creed:So for your wedding gift, I can either give you $500 or $1000.

Pam:Oh wow, Creed, that's so generous!

Creed:Yeah, but here's the thing. If you pick the $1000, you have to give me $2000 first.

Jim:That's... that's not how gifts work.

Creed:It's a reverse funnel system. You're actually making money.

Jim:So you're confident about this investment?

Creed:Absolutely. I've got a sports gambling algorithm that's 87% accurate.

Jim:How is that relevant to this investment?

Creed:It's not. But I'm very confident in it.