Phyllis Lapin

Michael · Phyllis:Various staff members offer themselves for the team. Phyllis: 'I can help out if you need me.' Michael: 'I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.'

Michael · Phyllis:'The Busiest Beaver award goes to Phyllis Lapin!' Michael then realizes the trophy says 'Bushiest Beaver.'

Kevin · Michael · Phyllis:Kevin's pointing — the 'nymphomaniac convention' joke about a woman who 'looks a lot like... Phyllis? Yeah.' / Michael shuts it down with 'Kevin, Phyllis is a valued member of this family. Like a grandmother.' / Phyllis: 'I'm the same age as you, Michael.' / Michael: 'I don't know about that.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael tries to prove he's changed by declaring his love for Phyllis, then asking for a kiss: 'I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here. Give me a kiss. Come on.'

Michael · Phyllis:Phyllis: 'I'm not gonna... Report you to HR.' / Michael: 'The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.' / Michael: 'Good work today, everybody.'

Phyllis · Jim:Flonkerton visual: Phyllis shuffling down the office with paper boxes strapped to her feet.

Jim · Phyllis:I think that's a HOR for Stanley, and a HO for Phyllis. / Are you calling me a ho?

Jim · Phyllis:Do we all have our copy of Threat Level Midnight by Michael Scott? All right, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions. And Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta-Jones. That's the character's name?

Jim · Phyllis · Dwight:Inside the F.B.I., Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta-Jones enters. Sir, you have some messages. Not now! They're important. Okay, what are they? The first message is... I love you. That's from me. Not in 1,000 years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk.

Phyllis:Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutie the mailman. They had too many kids, so they make up roles like that. I was good.

Michael · Phyllis · Jim · Pam:Phyllis, when Michael asks about secret office romances: 'You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim, right?'

Phyllis · Angela:Angela drafted Phyllis into the party planning committee, and her memo said they needed to prepare for 'every possible disaster'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael receives a hand-knitted oven mitt from Phyllis and interprets it as a calibrated measure of how much she values him: "I gave Ryan an iPod."

Angela · Phyllis:Angela: 'It's nobody's business, Phyllis.' [pause] 'Roy.'

Phyllis · Bob Vance:Phyllis's enormous Valentine's card reads 'Happy Valentine's Day, Darling, love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration' — he signs it with his company name

Phyllis · Kevin · Bob Vance:Phyllis receives another enormous delivery from Bob Vance. Kevin: 'Holy God. It's from Bob. Man, that thing's bigger than I am.'

Michael · Oscar · Phyllis:Michael's video ending: 'What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants.'

Michael · Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Phyllis · Creed · Ryan:Michael yelling 'Heisman!' while throwing a football in the parking lot, interspersed with him demanding the ball back from every single coworker including Creed, as the football chaotically passes through the entire office staff

Michael · Phyllis:'That's what she said.' — Michael reflexively using his catchphrase after Phyllis says 'You already did me.'

Stanley · Phyllis:Stanley says Phyllis cries too much and it bugs him. Phyllis: 'Stanley and I are close, too. We sit close.'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves and donate that money to charity?'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael asking Phyllis: 'In college, did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do.' Phyllis: 'No, and you knew me in high school.' Michael: 'Of course, we all thought you were gay in high school.'

Michael · Phyllis:Phyllis on Michael being defensive: 'You sound pretty defensive, Michael.' Michael: 'No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero.'

Phyllis:Phyllis's confessional about re-absorbing her twin in utero: 'Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael confronts Phyllis for cutting in the pretzel line: 'No, I think you're cutting in line.' Phyllis: 'Well, settle down, Scott.' Michael: 'No, I'm not gonna settle down. No way. Uh-uh.'

Phyllis · Ryan:Phyllis or another female coworker fawning over Ryan in his kurta: 'You look so handsome. You really do.' / 'How come you didn't get me one?'

Phyllis · Kevin · Oscar · Others:Phyllis tries to organize a group lunch. Kevin suggests Dee Jay's. Phyllis suggests Cugino's in Dunmore. Someone says no seafood. It collapses with 'Okay. Forget it.' Then someone suggests Hooters. 'No.' Immediately: '$400 for the CPU. Done.'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis can't identify her own perfume smell: 'It smells like a funeral home.' Michael tries to help; it turns out he's allergic to Phyllis's perfume but he lies about it. Phyllis: 'Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.'

Michael · Phyllis:'Who's Bob Vance?' Phyllis: 'You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.'

Phyllis · Angela:I thought you said green was whorish. / No, orange is whorish.

Michael · Phyllis:Phyllis says she'll pick Karen. Michael says 'our resident senior.' Phyllis replies: 'We're the same age.'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis asks if there's a prize for winning. Michael says 'Just bragging rights.' Phyllis: 'Then how is this Amazing Race?' Michael: 'It's just... brrrrr.'

Phyllis:Montage: Phyllis says she and Dwight both have 'big personalities' and it was 'explosive' — then immediately pivots to weather small talk

Andy · Phyllis:Andy accuses Phyllis: 'I don't trust you, Phyllis.'

Phyllis:Phyllis confessional: 'Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael to Phyllis: 'I swear, Phyllis, you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder-Mifflin.' Phyllis: 'Same as when you said it outside.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael accuses Phyllis of breaking wind before the ceremony; she denies it; then a beat later Michael is clearly affected: 'wow, that is... that is pungent.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael tries to 'fix' Phyllis's hair — reaching out to touch it while she says 'Michael, no.'

Officiant · Phyllis · Bob:The ceremony is accidentally performed out of order — the officiant announces 'Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!' before the 'I do' vows, then re-does it correctly after the actual vows.

Dwight · Phyllis:Dwight to Phyllis: 'Best of luck, Phyllis. Also, I'm gonna need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.' Phyllis: 'I don't have that, Dwight.' Dwight: 'Damn it, Phyllis!'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael about the food: 'Chicken, totally undercooked. I sent it back.' Phyllis: 'It's fish.' Michael: 'I will take care of that.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael finds Phyllis at the wedding, apologizes, and is about to be forgiven — then reveals: 'You found Uncle Al!'

Michael · Phyllis:Final scene: Michael dances exuberantly, sends the cake flying off the table, chaos ensues. 'Be careful with the... Oh no! Oh, wow! Phyllis! Come on! You look like a clown. Here. Get me, get me! Ah! Oh!'

Phyllis · Kevin:Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet? Yeah. Oh, my God. When is it? It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.

Phyllis:Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.

Phyllis:Phyllis explains the flasher had 'it' out 'on the map' — describing the exposure through the euphemism of the map he was holding

Michael · Phyllis:Michael holds up lingerie to Phyllis: 'What do you think? Too much?' Phyllis: 'Jim's gonna love it.'

Phyllis · unnamed guide:The blindfolded egg race: a blindfolded employee confidently declares 'I know I'm near the big rock.' Guide: 'Nowhere near the big rock.' Employee immediately hits the big rock.

Michael · Pam · Phyllis · Angela · Karen:'Defcon 20. She wants to get back together.' / 'How can she make you get back together with her?' / 'She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do.'

Phyllis · Toby · Kevin:Office workers debate who gets the job: 'I think it's gonna be Michael.' / 'Do you really think he's qualified for that job?' / 'No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one.'

Phyllis:Phyllis announces she and Bob are different religions: 'I'm a Lutheran and Bob is a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.'

Andy · Kevin · Phyllis:Tuna! Awesome! I knew it. To the two of you.

Michael · Phyllis:Gift baskets are the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can receive. / What about cash? With cash you can buy whatever you want, including a gift basket. So it's kind of the best gift ever.

Michael · Jim · Phyllis:How can they not know how much better we are? / I don't know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable. That is true. Like Angela in accounting. / Yes. She is nuts.

Phyllis · Angela:Phyllis uses 'active listening' technique: asks Angela how she feels about the 'Lunch' banner; Angela: 'Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.'

Phyllis · Angela:Phyllis responds to Angela's tirade with 'I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be awful.' — and Angela briefly accepts the sympathy before realizing it's aimed at her own insults

Angela · Phyllis:Phyllis delivers spoons to Angela instead of cutlery; Angela explains the difference between spoons, forks, and knives as if to a toddler: 'Spoons have round tops and are used to scoop things... forks which have prongs or tiny spears on top... knives which have blades. Do you understand me now?' Phyllis: 'Yes.' Angela: 'Goody.'

Michael · Dwight · Phyllis:Back at the office, the scoreboard countdown: Phyllis counts down to reveal Dwight has beaten the website by 52 reams; Michael's voice on the webcam shouts: 'I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that, asshole.'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis suggests Sue Grafton (mystery novelist) is at the mall — Michael immediately wants to recruit her as a celebrity for the ad

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis returns from the mall: was thrown out of the Sue Grafton signing 'in front of all my friends' after refusing to take no for an answer

Michael · Phyllis:Michael: 'Did you or did you not get Sue Grafton?' — long pause — 'No.' — Michael: 'Oh, you're...' can somebody give her a tissue?'

Phyllis · Pam:Phyllis microwaves popcorn and Pam asks why she doesn't use the kitchen microwave. Phyllis: 'Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.'

Phyllis · Jim:Hey, Michael. I mean Jim. / Yeah. Phyllis called me Michael.

Phyllis:Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend, anyway. He can just deal with it.

Ryan · Phyllis:The Dunder Mifflin website was 'infiltrated by sexual predators' via its social networking feature

Phyllis:Phyllis: "If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead."

Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Toby · Phyllis:The cascading wrong name guesses for the security guard: Eddie, Evan, Hank, Edgar, Elliot

Jim · Dwight · Phyllis:Hank (the security guard) says he'll be there 'in just under an hour' and the staff reacts with despair

Jim · Phyllis · Others:The staff realizes nobody chipped in for Hank's Christmas tip last year — Jim was supposed to collect it

Andy · Phyllis:Andy shows the office his new back tattoo — Phyllis immediately says she considered a back tattoo too

Michael · Phyllis:Michael keeps interrupting Phyllis mid-story with 'It's drying, it's drying... hablbelah, come on, Phyl!'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis: 'That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.' Michael: 'Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis.'

Phyllis:Phyllis sarcastically: 'So how much antigravity potion do you want?'

Andy · Phyllis:Andy reveals he's going to propose to Angela tonight; Phyllis's reaction is 'Holy crap!'

Phyllis:Phyllis to Michael after the party: 'Well, I hope you had fun today. 'Cause you're never ever throwing a party again.'

Phyllis:Phyllis's talking head: 'Party planning's a real high. Like a runner's high.' Then she sees something off-screen at the party and screams 'OH MY GOD!'

Phyllis:Phyllis has replaced Angela on the Party Planning Committee. 'I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis suggests fruit instead of cake for the birthday party. Michael: 'We only lost one pound, Phyllis.'

Dwight · Phyllis:Dwight reveals there was no client — he drove Phyllis to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed her out of the car. She had to walk home with no money and no phone.

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis calls David Wallace: 'Dunder Mifflin wants to make it clear that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies, as was clearly stated in the official...' — Michael interrupts: 'Oh, bang, boom, shake, klump!'

Dwight · Michael · Phyllis:Dwight is asked to apologize to Phyllis for the abandoned-warehouse incident. His apology: 'I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.' Michael: 'Finally. Right?' Michael then compliments Phyllis's 'gams.'

Phyllis:Phyllis complains about smokers getting breaks and threatens to take up smoking just to get break time

Michael · Phyllis:Michael asks Phyllis if she got the live storks for the baby shower

Michael · Phyllis:The M&M bowl is labeled 'Astird' because Michael misspelled 'Astrid' when writing the name down

Michael · Phyllis:Michael tells Phyllis 'we all came into this room and gave you a golden shower' — referring to her wedding shower — without realizing what 'golden shower' means

Kevin · Phyllis:Kevin asks why they have to pay money for 'his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm-bank baby'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.'

Phyllis:Phyllis talking head: 'I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.'

Angela · Phyllis:Angela appears and tells Phyllis not to talk to the camera crew, ordering her to 'Make the party' — implying she's lurking and monitoring Phyllis

Andy · Phyllis:Baby photo game: Andy identifies a baby photo as two babies who would grow up to marry each other, then discovers one is Phyllis

Andy · Phyllis:The baby photo turns out to be Phyllis. Andy: 'I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.'

Phyllis · Dwight:Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. / It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.

Phyllis:Wait, this isn't our floor, Dwight.

Phyllis:Why couldn't you just said it? Why did you actually do it?

Dwight · Phyllis · Andy:Dwight says 'if someone who barely outsells Phyllis can get in, then I should be fine'

Phyllis:"Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress. And you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white."

Phyllis · Michael:"So, I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I'm out $100. And I'm out a fiancee."

Phyllis · Kevin:Oh, it's on Linden Ave., by the Quarry. / Cool beans, man. I live by the Quarry. We should hang out by the Quarry and throw things down there.

Jim · Phyllis:Jim asks if he needs his invite to get into the party — Phyllis says yes — Jim says 'awesome' and pockets it

Phyllis:Phyllis's talking head explaining her blackmail of Angela: 'I don't think it's blackmail... I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.'

Phyllis:Phyllis reveals the affair to the entire office: 'Angela's having sex with Dwight. I caught them doing it after Toby's going-away party.'

Office staff · Phyllis:The office is debating whether Hilary Swank is hot. 'She's got mean eyes. Have you seen her with her bangs? She looks like a monster.'

Dwight · Phyllis:'Leave it, woman!' — Dwight to Phyllis when she tries to go back for her purse.

Phyllis:Phyllis's 'You Might Be Michael Scott' roast bit, riffing on Jeff Foxworthy: 'If you ever put sun block on a window, you might be Michael Scott.'

Phyllis · office employees:Phyllis: 'If you ever called the fire department because your head was stuck in your chair...' — audience choruses 'Michael Scott!'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation.'

Phyllis · Jim · Pam:Phyllis: 'Why don't you guys come and have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. Michael is terrified of Bob.'

Bob Vance · Phyllis:Phyllis about working with Michael, Dwight, and Andy: 'I honestly don't know how you can work with this jack-ass and that other jack-ass and that new jack-ass.'

Jim · Phyllis:Jim: 'He's talking about Michael, Dwight and Andy.' Phyllis: 'I understood.'

Dwight · Phyllis:Dwight and Phyllis fighting over whether the scarf belongs to Charles

Michael · Phyllis:'You can talk to me for as long as you want, because I have all the time in the world.' / 'Oh, God.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael already has wine at his desk, and Phyllis's farewell wine is redundant

Jim · Phyllis · Dwight · Charles:Soccer game: Jim gets hit in the face/misses the ball catastrophically. Phyllis yells: 'No, I swallowed a crown.' Then: 'Why'd you duck, Jim?' 'Yeah, Jim, why would an experienced soccer player like yourself duck at the very last moment?'

Michael · Stanley · Phyllis:Welcome, welcome! Let me give you the tour. / I get it. Do you need to see more? [the 'tour' of the tiny office takes approximately three seconds]

Phyllis:'Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.'

Michael · Phyllis · Stanley:Michael offers 'complimentary white chocolate bark' as part of his apology; the staff dismisses it: 'Nobody likes that stuff, except for you.' / 'They wouldn't make it unless people liked it.'

Phyllis · Michael · Kevin:Kevin, come. Kevin, stay. Kevin, come. Kevin, stay. Kevin, come. Stay, stay. Come on, right now. Cookie, Kevin. Cookie. There is no cookie, Kevin. Is there a cookie? Mmm-hmm. Come on. For goodness sakes, Kevin, there's no cookie. There's no cookie. Come on. Come. I wanted a cookie.

Michael · Phyllis:Michael dancing with Phyllis in Cafe Disco — the two of them actually moving and enjoying themselves in the dingy space

Phyllis:Phyllis throws her back out while dancing enthusiastically in Cafe Disco

Dwight · Phyllis · Angela:If my assessment is correct, you grind your teeth? I do. No kidding. She sits three feet from me. It's the most annoying thing. It's like children singing Christmas carols.

Dwight · Phyllis:I'm going to go with the python. But the rattler's so scary. No, please, I find the rattle soothing. Puts me to sleep.

Phyllis:I think Bob's going to cheat on me with his new secretary.

Phyllis · Pam:Phyllis tells Pam that her cousin makes 'the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes' and that Pam will 'still be surprised when you see it' — then asks 'You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you?' Pam: 'No, we're not.' Phyllis: 'Good. Good.'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'Now this is getting ridiculous. Oh gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all voted for you to get pregnant.'

Kevin · Phyllis:'Don't you mean koi story?' and 'When you fell in, did you flounder?'

Michael · Phyllis · Office Staff:Phyllis: 'Michael, you make fun of us every day.' Michael: 'Uh... you never said anything.' 'We have countless times.'

Dwight · Phyllis:Dwight (mid-accusation) pivots to ask Phyllis out: 'Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.'

Dwight · Phyllis:Phyllis (as Nellie): 'Well, you know old Nellie is always up for a romp in the hay.' Dwight: 'How 'bout a threesome?' Phyllis: 'My boudoir's always open.' Dwight: 'Nice.'

Jim · Phyllis:Jim confronts Phyllis about a two-hour lunch. Phyllis: 'Oh, it's okay, Michael doesn't really care about these things.' Jim: 'I care about 'em and I'm just as much of a boss as Michael.'

Jim · Phyllis · Ryan:Jim asks 'What's so funny?' about being co-manager. Phyllis reveals he can't fire people. Jim asks who told them. Various people point to Ryan. Ryan: 'Sorry, I'm plastered.'

Phyllis:Phyllis announces 'Attention, everyone!' at full volume, then immediately self-corrects: 'Too loud. Too, too loud. Too loud. But effective.'

Phyllis · Jim · Office Staff:The 'tree unveiling' — Phyllis and Jim dramatically count down to reveal a sheet-covered object; the countdown itself is interrupted because Jim starts too high ('Why would you start so high?'); they never sync up; the 'tree' is revealed to be an undecorated artificial tree in a sheet

Phyllis:Phyllis enters as Santa Claus: 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, boys and girls. It's me, Santa Claus.' Office responds warmly. 'I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim 11 weeks ago.'

Michael · Jim · Phyllis:Michael enters in a Santa suit, confronting Phyllis: 'What the hell is going on?' / 'Michael, we already have a Santa. Phyllis.' / 'Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa?'

Michael · Kevin · Phyllis:Kevin approaches Santa Michael. Phyllis has already told Kevin he's too big for her lap. Michael welcomes him: 'I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you and hates your body, but Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well.' Then Kevin sits on Michael's lap.

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis threatens Michael: 'Don't make me get Bob involved.' Michael: 'What would Bob do?' Phyllis: 'Never mind. I shouldn't have said that.' Michael: 'Does it hurt?' Phyllis: 'It stings a lot.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael asks Phyllis not to reveal to Erin that he's her Secret Santa. Phyllis: 'All right, sweetie, I'll just tell her it's Michael.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael goes to Phyllis-Santa: 'I'd like to make a wish.' 'What?' 'I would like an Xbox and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And I'm sorry.' Phyllis: 'An Xbox it is, because I've decided you're a good boy.'

Michael · Phyllis · Bob Vance:Bob Vance suddenly appears in the office. Michael: 'No, no, no. We worked it out. You called Bob? Phyllis!' Phyllis: 'I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It was earlier today.' Bob to Phyllis: 'Hi, sweetheart. You okay, baby?' Phyllis: 'I'm good, baby.' Michael: 'Oh, God. Get a room, Santas.'

Michael · Jim · Phyllis:Michael smells something bad in the office and thinks it's a 'sulfur deposit under here' or 'the dogs.' Jim tells him it's Phyllis. Phyllis says: 'I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on.' The coworkers defend her: 'She sent an email.'

Phyllis · Andy:Phyllis reads Andy's email aloud: 'You don't even like us as friends?' Andy: 'Phyllis, you guys are like my closest friends. I just mean I don't like like you.' Phyllis: 'What are we, five?'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis offers to 'put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.' Michael immediately says: 'No, no. I don't think anybody wants to see that.'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis reveals she has an ice cream cake in the car. Michael: 'Oh, my God! Go! Go! Go! Are you insane?'

Michael · Creed · Meredith · Angela · Phyllis:Michael distributes leads to non-sales staff — 'King Creed,' 'King Meredith,' 'King Angela' — while salespeople object

Phyllis:Phyllis says she loves going to bars with Bob because she wears something low-cut, men flirt with her, and Bob beats them up

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'Bob's warehouse guys flirt with me all the time. It's mostly harmless. Usually I don't let it go too far.' — delivered completely seriously

Dwight · Phyllis · Toby · Andy:Dwight's solution: line them all up and shoot one bullet through all three throats simultaneously, then demonstrates with Phyllis as Hitler, Toby as Toby, Andy as Bin Laden

Dwight · Phyllis · Toby · Andy:Dwight's solution: line them all up and shoot one bullet through all three throats simultaneously, then physically demonstrates by having Phyllis play Hitler, Toby play Toby, and Andy play Bin Laden

Michael · Phyllis:"Why is it okay for Stanley to cheat? Or for Phyllis to cheat? / Hey. / On her diet."

Andy · Phyllis · Michael:Andy's talking head: "I even went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior." / "Did you talk to him?" / "I did." then Michael finds the encounter charming and doesn't change his mind

Michael · Phyllis:Michael walks past Phyllis, who gives a disapproving head shake; Michael gives a speech about not being affected — then announces he's going to a motel to meet Donna

Michael · Phyllis · Nick:Phyllis, what's this guy's name again? / I don't know. Is it Shadow or Garth? It's something weird, I... / My name is Nick.

Andy · Phyllis:Hey, Phyllis, have you seen my bag? / You deserve it.

Phyllis:I could try to seduce him.

Michael · Phyllis:Is that White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor? / You know your perfumes. / My nanny used to wear that.

Phyllis:Bob and I took our time. The first time we saw each other naked, we didn't even make love. We just stared at each other until we fell asleep. It was magical.

Phyllis:Bob's finances are... complicated. He only invests with cash and only in nightclubs.

Michael · Darryl · Phyllis · Stanley · Angela · Oscar · Erin:The entire office Christmas photo shoot where Michael keeps trying to get everyone to jump simultaneously and failing each time

Jim · Phyllis:Click the 'x'. / I'm clicking! / In the box. / I am clicking. / Woman, you've had a computer for years!

Phyllis · Gabe:Phyllis accidentally sending the IM caption to Gabe — Gabe receives it and responds 'Oh. Ha. An I.M. chat. Very clever. I'll just print that out.'

Kevin · Phyllis · Dwight · Jim:End of movie: The president calls for another mission. Audience debate erupts: 'Isn't the president evil?' / 'Oh, yeah. Yes, he is.' / 'No, no, he's doing it to catch the president.' / 'No, no, Dwight, he's just being stupid.'

Phyllis · Holly · Pam:Phyllis: 'That's how he gets you to take off your panties.' Then Holly: 'Why are you nodding?' Pam: 'United front.'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'What, are you gonna play mahjongg faster?' to Andy's computer argument

Phyllis:"I have a box of bras under the table if you're interested." — Phyllis interjects into Holly's emotional moment

Michael · Angela · Phyllis · Pam:Michael says he wants vanilla ice cream so 'everybody will like it' after being told mint chocolate chip is his favorite

Michael · Phyllis:Michael builds up to a 20-year secret about Phyllis: 'When Phyllis was in high school, she was so cute.' Long pause. 'And she still is.'

Phyllis:Phyllis confessional: 'I thought he knew about the baby I gave away.'

Phyllis · Kevin · Jim:The shredder conversation: Phyllis says it won't shred magazines. Kevin says he knows it's not supposed to. Jim: 'Did you break the shredder, Kevin?' Kevin: 'No. It's just that old shredder sucks.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael: 'Power through the arthritis, Phyllis. You can do it.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael finds Phyllis still knitting his unfinished mittens; she says 'Oh, they're still not done.' Michael examines them: 'Nice try. I love them.'

Deangelo · Phyllis · Office Staff:Deangelo performs an elaborate mime-juggling routine with full music and motivational patter — the staff watches in bewildered silence/polite engagement

Deangelo · Phyllis:Deangelo asks Phyllis to hold still, mimes throwing an invisible ball at her head, she flinches — 'Aah! Big hand for Phyllis. That took a lot of guts.'

Creed · Phyllis:Creed and Phyllis discuss whether Phyllis might be Erin's biological mother, connecting it to the release of Porky's.

Gabe · Phyllis:Gabe's goodbye hug with Phyllis produces a sound of disgust. Gabe: 'You don't need to make that sound. I'm sorry. You were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be.' / 'There are plenty of people who love touching me. I'm a terrific hugger.'

Kevin · Jim · Phyllis:We need a warning signal. / We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. I can see him right there. We do! / I promise you, we don't need-- / WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! [Kevin shouts, startling Phyllis into an accident]

Andy · Jim · Dwight · Phyllis · Stanley:Andy's 'rap session' with the salespeople: 'Just thought we'd have a little rap session. Talk about business. See how things are going.' followed by awkward silence.

Phyllis · Office Staff:Phyllis's tattoo design: something coming out of a butt — presumably a baby — eliciting 'Oh! So nasty, Phyllis. Oh my God.'

Phyllis:A little witch's brew? I grew this party up real fast. Get out of here, little kid party. Nobody loves you. And clean up your room. Grownups are going to use it later.

Angela · Phyllis:Is she Asian? / I don't know. She's from somewhere, I bet. / Did Andy say his girlfriend's from the forest? / I don't know, Phyllis. Maybe she's from the city.

Phyllis:My car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change.

Andy · Phyllis:Uncle Andy. / Oh. / Aunt Phyllis. / Wow.

Phyllis:Last week, Jim at home — that was no vacation.

Meredith · Phyllis:Meredith overhears 'black eye' as 'black guy in the office': 'Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'Oh my God, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop.'

Ryan · Kelly · Phyllis:Ryan tells Kelly he updated his Tumblr to announce Erin's departure: 'Ryan, why didn't you tell me?' 'Thought you checked my Tumblr.' 'You never update it.' 'Well, I updated it.'

Dwight · Phyllis:Dwight returns to Scranton with Jim: 'Hey, Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida.' 'Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um-- Wow, you look great. Did you lose some weight?'

Nellie · Phyllis:Nellie compliments Phyllis on how she 'conquered her fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there...' trailing off with meaningless praise

Jim · Pam · Phyllis · Kevin · Oscar · Dwight:The entire office cannot agree on or picture whether Stanley has a mustache, despite working with him for 25 years

Kevin · Phyllis · Angela:"I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible?" / "I'm still not sure why this woman is even here!"

Phyllis · Pam:"Order carrot cake" as the most subversive choice they can make for a party

Pam · Phyllis · Meredith:Pam: 'Like, not mean. Just a regular party. Not mean.' — Phyllis: 'I knew she'd crack. I wanted to leave you out, you know.'

Jim · Phyllis:Jim has been tracking Phyllis's 12 rain clichés and promised hot chocolate if she hits them all by noon

Jim · Phyllis:Jim deadpans 'You don't say?' in response to Phyllis's rain clichés while secretly tracking them

Jim · Phyllis:Jim desperately tries to bait Phyllis into saying the final cliché ('curled up with a good book') by asking if she wants to be 'doing something... cozy in the rain'

Phyllis · Jim:Phyllis unknowingly delivers the final cliché — 'normally the rain would make me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book' — just after noon, but says it because everyone's been so nice to her today

Phyllis · Angela:Phyllis tells Angela the flower arrangement is predictable: 'Daffodils in spring. I wonder what's next — mistletoe at Christmas?'

Phyllis · Pam:Oh! It says 'You're welcome to take this home.' / Sweetie, you don't want that. Even in your house, it's a little much.

Phyllis · Angela:Phyllis: 'Have you ever been to our house?' Angela: 'Not exactly, but I know the Flats.' — Phyllis implying Angela's taste is lower-class.

Phyllis:Phyllis to Jim and Pam: 'Are you sure you ought to be giving? I mean, with your financial situation.'

Phyllis · Jim:Phyllis secretly takes the centerpiece, Jim notices it's gone. Phyllis's elaborate denial leads to: 'A man emptied the garbage into a bigger garbage and then I heard someone say they were locking the garbage.'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'Come on, sweetie. We both knew how this was gonna end.' — to Angela, about the centerpiece.

Phyllis:Phyllis, after Dwight drives away: 'Well, now I don't even feel like pie.' Beat. 'Wait. No, it's back.'

Phyllis:Phyllis, urgently: 'They're going to be out of banana cream. Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point.'

Kevin · Phyllis · Oscar:Pizza Friday could come back. Hey, remember that week in the '90s when we got bagels? I miss Clinton.

Jim · Phyllis · Stanley:Why should we help you? Because we are friends. When is my birthday? Unfair. When's my birthday? I don't know, because we're not friends.

Phyllis · Stanley:You know what? I don't know where the years went. Because sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them. Tell me about it. Whose hands are these? They're not my hands.

Jim · Phyllis:Phyllis! Phyllis! That's decorative. No, there's wine in here. It's still decorative. Is it white wine? Nope.

Phyllis · Jim:We're going to cover for you, you know? / Phyllis, what was that? Phyllis, are you dreaming, or... / I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.

Stanley · Phyllis · Jim:Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. / Shucking your peas! / Shucking my peas. / All right, just go back to the first part. You are going to cover for me?

Stanley · Jim · Phyllis:Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. / This is hilarious. But we're going to stop with all the... / Shucking your peas! / Shucking my peas.

Dwight · Phyllis:Dwight gives Phyllis rubber gaskets for canning jars as her 'admirable' gift; Phyllis says 'I'd rather have the bowl.' Dwight: 'You can't have the bowl!'

Kevin · Phyllis · Meredith:Kevin, Phyllis, and Meredith ambush Val with relationship advice: 'We think you made a big, big mistake. Big mistake. Quite enormous.'

Dwight · Phyllis:Phyllis: 'I have ears, Dwight.' Dwight: 'Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears.'

Phyllis:Phyllis weighs in: 'People, it's 2013. Erin is a strong, independent woman. Who says she has to end up with any man?'

Phyllis · Mose:Phyllis to Mose about the mural: 'Why you make trees into bushes? You don't make paper from bushes.' Then: 'Hide, they're giving out jobs upstairs. Why don't you go up and get one?' And Mose runs away.

Phyllis:Phyllis describes the couples discount at the mini-mall, then adds: 'if you don't have one of those, you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.'

Stanley · Phyllis:Stanley offers to pretend to be Phyllis's husband, then adds: 'I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.'

Phyllis:Phyllis mentions the nail salon uses 'a watch repair kit' on her feet.

Nail Salon Worker · Phyllis:Nail salon worker recognizes Phyllis ('Oh, tiny foot lady is back') and gets excited, calling for the baby clipper.

Todd Packer · Phyllis:Packer apologizes to 'Phylly' for things said 'to your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings.'

Jim · Pam · Phyllis:The entire group's dignity debate devolves into a tangent about whether Supermart's bakery is any good: 'It's awful! And it's getting worse every day.'

Phyllis · Others:Drugged cupcake aftermath montage: Phyllis played with dolls and ordered thousands of dollars of American Girl outfits; others got diarrhea; someone went Christmas caroling in March and 'fertilized some bushes along the way.'

Phyllis:Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much.

Andy · Phyllis:Phyllis: 'What does it say?' / Andy: 'I don't know, Phyllis. I just got the text and started screaming Red alert.'

Kevin · Phyllis:Coworkers watching the press conference: 'Ooh, there's Angela. I work with her.' 'I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but it's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it.'

Kevin · Phyllis:Phyllis: 'Her hair looks beautiful.' Kevin: 'Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin' movie star!'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'They make a nice couple.'

Phyllis:Phyllis's talking-head: 'Andy sings beautifully, and he's really good at dancing. He's a good speaker. But there's just something there you don't want to look at.'

Phyllis · Dwight:Phyllis delivers the coffee directly to Dwight: 'Here's your coffee! Ow! My skin! Ow! Ow! Aah! It burns! Aah!'

Phyllis:I think she looks good. Now that she's wearing sports bras, we don't see her boobs as much.

Phyllis:I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. / It's every parent's dream!