The Merger

Andy:So what's he like? Is he... is he into men's magazines?

Erin:What kind of men's magazines?

Andy:You know, like... does he have a subscription to ones with pictures of... scantily clad women?

Andy:Hey Jim, how's it going, buddy?

Andy:You know what? I'm gonna destroy you.

Dwight:I can run as fast as a cheetah.

Jim:No you can't.

Dwight:I can. I'm faster than a cheetah. I'm as fast as a lion.

Jim:A lion isn't faster than a cheetah.

Dwight:I'm faster than both. I'm as fast as a cheetah and a lion combined. And a panther.

Jim:Okay Dwight, ready? And... go!

Dwight:What are you timing?

Jim:Your speed. I've been tracking it.

Dwight:Well? How'd I do?

Jim:You're running at about 98.6 degrees.

Dwight:That's not a stopwatch!

Jim:No, it's a thermometer.

Michael:Karen Filippelli... that's an interesting last name. Is that... Italian?

Karen:Yes, my father was Italian.

Michael:Ah, that's great. You know, I love Italian food. My favorite is... spaghetti and meatballs. Very authentic.

Karen:...That's not really authentic Italian food.

Michael:Well, you know what I mean. Italy, Italian, you get the idea.

Andy:Michael, managing an office is like running a WWII Japanese prison camp.

Michael:That's... that's not a good analogy, Andy.

Andy:No, hear me out. You've got to be tough but fair, maintain order, and keep morale up even in impossible conditions.

Michael:Andy, I'm not comparing my employees to prisoners of war.

Andy:You know what? I'd be really good at selecting people to die in a prison camp.

Michael:You see, the key to a great presentation is... it's like seduction. You want to draw them in slowly, make them curious about what's coming next. You tease them a little bit. And then, when they least expect it, you give them what they really want.

Michael:I'm not just their boss, I'm like a father figure to them. That's why I have this mug.

Michael:World's Best Dad. Because that's what I am to this office.

Michael:Everyone who's new, I got you a gift bag. It's got some fun stuff in it.

Michael:For those of you who've been here a while... you know where the vending machine is.

Tony:What is this? Just pencils?

Michael:Yeah, those are from the office. We wanted to welcome you, so we all chipped in and got you some pencils.

Tony:Pencils? That's it?

Michael:Well, they're nice pencils. They're number two.

Michael:So where are you from originally?

Karen:I'm from Wisconsin.

Michael:No, but like... where are you *really* from?

Karen:Wisconsin. I was born there.

Michael:Right, but I mean ethnically. What's your background? You have such an exotic look.

Karen:My parents are from Wisconsin too.

Michael:Okay, but what about before that? Are you... what would you say you are?

Andy:Okay, so my strategy is simple. I'm gonna work hard, show initiative, and climb the corporate ladder. It's like... it's like being a carpenter, right? You don't start by building the whole house. You start with the foundation. And the foundation is... hard work. So I'm gonna be the foundation. And then Jim will be the walls. And Pam will be the roof. And together, we'll be a house. A successful house.

Andy:Wait, no. That doesn't make sense. I should be the walls. The walls are the most important part of the house.

Michael:Andy, I got you a little something.

Andy:Michael, you didn't have to do that.

Michael:I know, but I wanted to. These are nifty gifties.

Andy:Nifty gifties? That's hilarious.

Michael:Right? Nifty gifties.

Andy:Nifty gifties.

Jim:Hey, sorry, I just got back from Stamford and I don't think we've met. What's your name?

Jim:Okay, yeah, that's not working. That's not funny.

Dwight:Welcome back, Jim. I've been preparing for your return. I've been staring at my forehead in the mirror to increase my dominance. It's working.

Jim:That's not how any of this works.

Dwight:False. The more you stare, the more powerful you become. I can feel it coursing through my veins.

Jim:Why are you at my desk?

Dwight:You left. I assumed it was abandoned.

Jim:I left for like twenty minutes.

Dwight:Finders keepers.

Jim:That's not... okay, you know what? Fine. It's yours.

Dwight:Really?

Jim:No. Move.

Andy:I'm basically a film set director. I manage people, I manage time, I manage resources.

Dwight:I've watched every movie ever made. I am more qualified than you.

Andy:Dwight, I bet you don't even know how many Academy Awards have been won by films featuring beet farmers.

Dwight:That's where you're wrong. Exactly three.

Jim:So what's new with you?

Kelly:Oh my God, Angelina Jolie just adopted another baby from Ethiopia. And did you see that Gwyneth Paltrow named her baby Apple? Apple! And Brad and Jennifer broke up, which means Jennifer is going to focus on her acting career, which is great for her. Oh, and Britney Spears is pregnant! That IS what's new with me.

Michael:This food is for guests only. It's a sign of respect.

Michael:If you eat this food, you're basically saying you don't respect our guests.

Michael:And if you don't respect our guests, then you don't respect me. And if you don't respect me, then this company falls apart.

Michael:So please, I'm begging you, do not eat the food.

Toby:Here are some orientation materials for the new employee.

Michael:Orientation? More like bore-ientation.

Michael:Okay everyone, I made this video to welcome our new employees. It's funny, it's fresh, it's got a little rap number that I wrote myself.

Michael:Yo, welcome to Dunder Mifflin, where the paper is real. We got quality and respect, that's the deal.

Michael:Dwight's the best, he's number one. If you mess with him, you better run.

Jim:This is almost as bad as the sexual harassment video from 2003.

Pam:What was that called?

Jim:"Harassment: You're Doing It Right."

Michael:I think this is the best thing I've ever made. This is an A-plus-plus.

Michael:There is no A-plus-plus, but if there was, this would be it.

Dwight:Karen, your voicemail greeting is unprofessional. Let me help you record a new one.

Dwight:Repeat after me: 'You've reached Karen. I'm unable to take your call right now.'

Karen:Okay...

Dwight:No, no, no! With more authority! You sound like you're asking permission to exist. Again!

Karen:You've reached Karen. I'm unable to take your call right now.

Dwight:Better. Now, add: 'Please leave a message and I will get back to you promptly, unlike some people I know who are probably sleeping with their boss.'

Karen:What? Why would I say that?

Dwight:Because it's professional. It sets expectations. Also, are you sleeping with your boss?

Karen:No!

Dwight:Then you have nothing to worry about.

Andy:Look, I've got this all figured out. I'm going to undermine Dwight at every turn, but I'm going to do it with a smile and a compliment. 'Hey Dwight, great beet harvest this year, by the way I already told Jim your idea was mine.'

Andy:Angela, I wanted to show you something. I think you'll really appreciate this.

Angela:What is it?

Andy:It's my new screensaver. I had it custom made.

Angela:...It's a screensaver.

Andy:I know. I thought of you every time I configured the settings.

Pam:Jim, since when do you drink sparkling water with lemon?

Jim:Well, Pam, I've evolved. Grape soda is something I drank in my youth. As a maturing professional, my palate has become more sophisticated.

Pam:You literally had a Grape Fanta yesterday.

Jim:That was... a cheat day.

Andy:What is that?

Kevin:Yeah, what are we looking at?

Angela:It's my breast.

Karen:What is that smell?

Phyllis:It's my new perfume. Bob Vance got it for me.

Karen:It smells like... what does it smell like?

Phyllis:It's called 'Ennui.' It's French. Bob Vance said it smells like a woman who has given up on life but still cares about her appearance.

Karen:That's oddly specific.

Phyllis:Bob Vance knows a lot about perfume. He sells office supplies.

Karen:My nose is itchy.

Michael:That's what she said. No wait, that's what the cocaine said.

Michael:Come on, Tony, join us at the table. It's about unity.

Tony:I don't think that's necessary.

Michael:No, no, no. Everyone at the table. That's the rule.

Dwight:Michael's right. It's a bonding exercise.

Tony:You know what? I quit.

Tony:I'm quitting.

Michael:Quitting? On your first day? That's heresy!

Michael:Do you know what heresy means? It means betrayal of the company. It's like when Judas betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, except you're betraying me for... what, a better job?

Tony:I just don't think this is for me.

Michael:Not for you? Everything is for you! I'm for you! This job is for you! You're committing heresy against your own future!

Angela:This office is like a strip club. Everyone's half-dressed, gyrating around, trying to get money out of people.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not fair. Hooters is a legitimate restaurant establishment with a strong business model and a commitment to customer service.

Michael:Okay, everyone, listen up. Vance Refrigeration has vandalized our cars. I know this because... well, I'm very observant.

Michael:But don't worry, I have a plan. We're going to come together as a family and get revenge.

Michael:I've already keyed their cars, slashed their tires, and put a dead fish in their air conditioning unit.

Michael:This will bring us closer together. Nothing bonds a workplace family like shared adversity and property damage.

Michael:Look at this. Vance Refrigeration sent me a hate note.

Michael:It says... 'Michael Scott, you are a loser. Stop being so successful.'

Michael:I mean, come on. They didn't even spell 'successful' right. It's S-U-C-C-E-S-S-F-U-L.

Michael:And they used Comic Sans. Who uses Comic Sans in a hate note?

Karen:Who is Bob Vance?

Erin:Bob Vance? Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Karen:Yes, but what does he do?

Erin:He's the owner of Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Karen:Right, but I mean what's his actual—

Erin:Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Michael:You know, I learned a long time ago that the key to office unity is treating everyone with respect. Even the people nobody else notices. That's why I always make time to talk to the lunch lady.

Michael:Back in elementary school, I didn't have a lot of friends. But Mrs. Henderson, the lunch lady, she always gave me an extra scoop of mashed potatoes. She remembered my name. She treated me like I mattered.

Michael:And that's why I believe in building relationships with everyone in this office. Because you never know whose day you're going to make just by being nice to them.

Andy:So how was your first day?

Karen:It was great. I'm thinking about giving myself a lobotomy.

Andy:My car is way better than yours.

Dwight:That's absurd. The Schrute Farms beet mobile runs on pure efficiency.

Andy:Your car is a joke.

Dwight:*cough cough* Idiot! *cough*

Andy:*cough cough* Idiot! *cough cough*

Dwight:*cough* Idiot! *cough cough*

Andy:*cough cough cough* Idiot!

Andy:You should be an English professor. You'd be perfect for it.

Dwight:I could teach at Cor-Not University.

Andy:Cor-Not? Why would you call it that?

Dwight:Because I'm a Cornell graduate, and I'm not.

Andy:I totally won that argument.

Dwight:You did not win that argument.

Andy:Dwight, I crushed you. You had nothing. You were flailing around like an idiot.

Dwight:I was not flailing. I made several excellent points.

Andy:Name one.

Dwight:I... you know what, I don't have to explain myself to you.

Andy:That's what I thought. I won.