The Merger

Andy:Bernard made staple hats as the Stamford branch closes

Andy · Jim:Andy interrogating Jim about Michael: 'Likes, dislikes, favorites sports, favorite movies, favorite man's magazine'

Andy · Jim:'Good luck over there, tuna. Cross me, and I will destroy you.' 'Sounds good, Andy.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight claiming he can outrun Jim's running pace on a skateboard, then claiming he outran a black pepper snake last weekend

Dwight:'I'm fast. To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim poking his head out to tell the still-running Dwight: 'Hey. Three more laps to go. You've gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat Toby.'

Michael:Michael reads Karen's name tag: 'Karen Filip... Karen Filippelli. She's probably an Italian. Possibly, Filipino.'

Michael:Michael saying he has 'a gigantic performance ahead of me' for welcoming new employees

Dwight · Michael:Dwight advising Michael to fire someone to 'consolidate power,' using the example of Japanese WWII camp guards killing a prisoner from new arrivals to establish dominance

Dwight:'I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.'

Michael:Michael telling the food deliverer to set up the food 'as if you are trying to impress much older man who's way out of your league'

Michael:'Your ball and chain is right over here' — Michael showing a new employee to their desk

Michael:Michael's mug says 'World's Best Dad' while he talks about his employees being his family

Michael · Dwight:Michael giving Tony a gift bag, then telling Dwight the bags are 'just for guests' and Dwight 'can buy one later'; the bag contains mostly pencils and coupons

Dwight · Tony:'Can I have your pencils?' 'No.'

Michael:Michael greeting Karen: 'Take-me-to-your-leader. Oh-wait,-I-am-your-leader.' Then: 'Uh, wait, are you a robot or a Martian?'

Michael:Michael to Karen: 'Welcome. Wow, you are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or...?'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I'll be the number two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter that makes stairs.'

Michael · Andy:Michael greeting Andy with 'Aloha and welcome!' / Andy responding 'Aloha and... hello.'

Andy · Michael:Andy to Michael: 'Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom... Mike.'

Jim · Martin · Michael:Jim greeting Martin: 'Martin Nash, I presume?' / 'This is a little gift bag for you, free of charge.' / 'Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. Not...'

Jim · Pam:Jim pretending to be new: 'Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.' Pam: 'Oh my god! It's really you!' Jim: 'I was just doing a little joke there about how we had never met...' Pam: 'I know, I don't care!'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight to Jim: 'Fact. I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.' Jim: 'Okay. Sounds good.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight screaming 'Meet my eye line, Jim! I AM!' after Jim keeps looking at his forehead

Jim · Karen:Karen sits at Jim's old desk; Jim realizes he has to move his things; Karen says 'You can call it whatever you want' about her taking the desk

Jim · Karen:Jim returns to his old desk. Karen is sitting there. Long uncomfortable pause, then: 'Oh. Um... Then I must be really really wanna pack.'

Karen:Karen's talking head: 'Yeah, Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight vs. Andy title dispute: 'Regional Director in charge of sales' vs. 'Assistant Regional Manager.' Andy: 'I'm a director, which on a film set is the highest title there is.' Dwight: 'Do you know anything about film?' Andy: 'I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.' Dwight: 'Congratulations.'

Toby · Jim:Toby greeting Jim with an awkward hug/handshake hybrid that neither of them acknowledges

Lonny:The shredder demonstration: 'This thing is so awesome. It will shred a CD... it will shred a credit card... it will shred... oh.' [long pause] 'Shut.'

Kelly · Jim:Kelly reunion with Jim: 'Oh my god! I have so much to tell you! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby... Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby... What's new with you?' 'I just told you.'

Michael:Michael welcoming everyone to the conference room 'or, should I say, the banquet hall'

Michael · Dwight · Hannah:Michael blocking Dwight from food: 'No, no, guest only.' Then Hannah and the smoked salmon exchange: 'No. For you, consider it cow meat. Strictly taboo.' 'I eat beef.' 'Well, then consider it poisoned beef. It's no touch.' '...The beef is poisoned?' 'No, it's not... beef... just sit down.'

Michael · Toby:Michael: 'Wrong, Toby. This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation.'

Michael · Dwight:'Lazy Scranton' rap video — Michael and Dwight have produced an SNL Digital Short parody about Scranton including 'Call poison control if you're bit by a spider / But check that it's covered by your health care provider'

Jim:Jim confessional cutting against 'Lazy Scranton' playing: 'It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day. The Scranton Witch Project. I'm so scared! When people don't label their personal food.'

Michael:Michael's talking head during 'Lazy Scranton': 'Well, so far, I think it is killing! I thought it would be an A or A+, but I completely forgot there was an A++'

Michael · Karen:Michael leaving Karen a voicemail in an increasingly 'Italian' accent, coaching himself: 'Try more Italian'

Andy:Andy's talking head explaining his strategy to marginalize Dwight while 'Andy Bernard is out there, laying on the charm'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier that he gets, the more marginalized he becomes! Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there... laying on the charm.'

Andy · Angela:Andy showing Angela his screensaver and her unexpectedly responding 'I do like it, actually' — and the audience not seeing what it is

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam: Jim mentions he's 'evolving' away from grape soda to bottled water; Pam: 'Oh, you've changed so much.'

Hannah · Jim:Hannah tells Jim 'Take a picture. It'll last longer' about him staring; then: 'I'm sorry... it's just a little distracting.' Hannah: 'Ditto that, my brother.'

Kevin · Hannah · Unknown:'Look what's on his computer! What is that? It's squid's eye or...' 'It's my left breast.' 'How did you...?' 'Right place at the right time.'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis can't identify her own perfume smell: 'It smells like a funeral home.' Michael tries to help; it turns out he's allergic to Phyllis's perfume but he lies about it. Phyllis: 'Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.'

Michael · Phyllis:'Who's Bob Vance?' Phyllis: 'You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.'

Unknown:Phyllis's talking head: 'I don't know who these new people think they are. I have sat next to Phyllis's stinky perfume for years. Never said a word.'

Michael:Michael confessional: 'People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But, you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's 'integration celebration' — he announces 'A night at the Roxbury' and plays 'What Is Love' but the music system doesn't work; he and Dwight try to fix it while Michael announces 'I got it, I got it!'

Michael:Michael forcing people to dance with him: 'You me, you me! Bam bam bam! You me, you you you!' and his 'nose candy' bit

Andy · Unknown:Someone from the new group: 'I told you this guy had a sense of humor.' / 'Very funny, Michael. Really, really funny, Michael.' (clearly sarcastic)

Michael · Unknown:New people seated on a table; Michael explains: 'Why are the new people on the table?' 'To show them that we are not about them.' 'Shouldn't we be equals?' 'Not today. No.'

Michael · Dwight · Tony:Michael trying to help Tony get on the table: 'Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.' / Dwight and Michael physically lifting Tony while Tony screams 'No! Put me down, now!' / 'I don't know what I'm grabbing here. But it really feels good.'

Michael · Tony:Tony quits because of Michael's management style; Michael fires him for trying to quit: 'Don't bother quitting. Because you're fired.' Then walks back: 'I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team. Just clean out your desk.' Tony: 'There's nothing in my desk except the coupons.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight positioning himself as the architect of Tony's firing: 'It was my advice. Remember I'm the one who suggested that you fire him!' / Then immediately pushing to fire Andy: 'Fire Andy. Fire Andy.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle.'

Michael · Pam:Michael on the Tony situation: 'Maybe that's because some people treated like their own private Hooter's strip club.' Pam: 'Hooter's is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide.'

Michael:Michael: 'The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my mom moved in with Jeff.'

Michael:Michael's scheme to unite the offices: 'Those guys of Vance Refrigeration let the air out of our tires!' / 'They punk us! They punk us goods!' / 'We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators!'

Michael:The note from 'Vance Refrigeration': 'You guys suck! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you suck!'

Karen · Pam:New employee (presumably Karen or Martin) observing Michael's Vance Refrigeration meltdown: 'Is he always like this?' / Pam: 'Sometimes he brings more costumes.' / 'When do people work?' / 'Oh, we find little times during the day.'

Jim · new employee:New employee: 'When do people work?' / Jim: 'Oh, we find little times during the day.'

Michael:Michael's Vance Refrigeration plan actually works — everyone bonds over the fake common enemy, and Bob Vance ends up filling their tires. Michael: 'See that. Mission accomplished!'

Michael:Michael's therapy-style observation: 'They're like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change. Because by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.'

Michael · Jan:Jan calls Michael about Tony: 'You do realize Michael that now we have to pay him severance?' Michael: 'Yes.' Jan: 'You do?' Michael: 'But, do you realize that was actually Dwight's idea?'

Jan Levinson:Jan: 'You do realize Michael that now we have to pay him exuberance?' — 'exuberance' for 'severance'

Michael · Jan:Jan tells Michael that Jim is his number two, not Dwight. Michael: 'Yes, I know that, or I do read the memos.' Then: 'So, after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new number two.'

Michael · Andy:Andy complimenting Michael with 'great Aplam' (probably 'élan') as he's trying to get back in favor; Michael tells him to shut up mid-compliment: 'Shhh, shut it. That's...' Then in talking head: 'Suck up.'

Jim:Jim on the phone: 'I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's awkward final conversation — Pam tells Jim she's 'started seeing someone'; Jim says 'Oh, that's totally cool. You can do whatever you want.' Both claim everything is fine through obvious discomfort.

Dwight · Jim:'Idiot!' 'You're the idiot!' 'Nice comeback!' 'I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked.' / Dwight talking head: 'I totally got the best of that interchange.'