Citizen Ship

Jaime:Jaime's fake-out: 'I failed the test... and I'm getting deported' — followed by 'Just kidding! I passed!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana gasp simultaneously and in unison at Jaime's fake bad news

Ilana:Ilana: 'Jaime, those old white dudes are impossible to tell apart.'

Abbi:Abbi's flat 'Yeah... mine didn't' in response to Ilana's speech about ancestors passing through Ellis Island

Ilana:Ilana's flustered 'Right. Right, right, right.' after Abbi's Ellis Island comment — clearly covering for a social blunder

Ilana:Ilana pre-emptively distributes Ziploc bags to smuggle free food and booze off the boat: 'I brought ziplocs, pass it down.'

Abbi:Abbi introduces herself to the boat list-checker as 'Hello, I am Abbi Abrams, thank you' — overly formal, already performing

Abbi:Abbi: 'How are you possibly reading all the names? You're going so fast.' — as the bouncer rapidly scans his list

Abbi:Abbi pretends to have an assistant named 'Chrissy' and loudly berates her in front of the bouncer to explain why her plus-three wasn't confirmed

Abbi:Abbi: 'Just please don't hit me in front of everybody.' Then immediately: 'Your mom died two weeks ago, Chrissy! Get your shit together!'

Abbi:Abbi sadly waves goodbye to the balloons that can't come on the boat: 'Bye-bye, balloons.'

Unknown Lawyer:Man at the party describes his daughter's age as '11-quarters old' after discussing business in quarters

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'I bet every guy on this boat is into annas with bananas' / 'Denises the penises. Gals with dongs, bro.'

Jaime:Jaime flatly: 'You say that about every single white-collar professional.' — calling out Lincoln's pattern

Murray Hill Guys:Two Murray Hill guys say 'Murray Hill' in perfect unison, then one adds 'But I'm moving to Williamsburg!' — beat of silence follows

Jaime:Jaime orders a 'gin and vodka maraschino sizzle... with curacao, and a little splash of crème de menthe' — completely making up a drink

Ilana:Ilana: 'They are totally getting beer.' — as soon as Jaime is out of earshot

Bevers:Bevers: 'She just went to the can, she had to take a doody.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I'm sure she'll be so happy you told us.' — after Bevers announces Melody is taking a doody

Bevers:Bevers: 'I've sailed on this boat with Melody for 12 quarters now. I know all its secrets. The captain is a murderer.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'They don't let murderers be captains.' — delivered as a genuine refutation

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana exchange looks after 'The captain is a murderer' — implied beat of incredulous silence before following him anyway

Abbi · Ilana · Bevers:They get locked in the storage room immediately after finding the liquor

Ilana:Ilana yells 'Rape! Rape!' to get help through a locked door

Bevers:Bevers: 'Wait, wait, move out of the way. I'm gonna ram the door. The man is gonna ram the door. Wanna see me ram it?' — then immediately injures himself

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'No, it's fire, you yell fire.' — Ilana immediately: 'Oh, fine. Fire!'

Ilana:Ilana's evolving emergency chants: 'Fire! Fire and rape! Rape and fire! Fire rape!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I honestly have always thought that we'd die in each other's arms at sea.'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers: 'Sorry, Abbi, I broke your Starbucks gift card.' / Abbi: 'Bevers, I still had $17 on that.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Well, maybe now you can start supporting local businesses.' — after breaking Abbi's Starbucks gift card

Bevers:Bevers calculates bar restock timing: 'If each one of them has at least three drinks per hour, that's 750 drinks every hour... They're gonna have to restock the bar in 20 to 25 minutes.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'What is this, the 2400-point SAT?' after Bevers does drink math

Ilana:Ilana: 'I'm gonna be wearing my American flag contact lenses. Yeah, they burn me very badly. I should stop.'

Lincoln · Jaime:Lincoln pranks Jaime: 'Hey, cheers to you for becoming a citizen, and also to me — this is my first time on a boat.' / Jaime: 'No, prank, man. I'm a well-to-do dentist, of course I've been on a boat before.'

Jaime · Lincoln:Jaime's elaborate fake Latin American cheers ceremony: 'That is how we cheers in Latin America.' / Lincoln: 'Really?' / Jaime: 'No, man, prank, bitch.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Kill, fuck, marry' with Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, Svedka vodka, and... robot

Ilana:Ilana: 'Easy — kill the dudes, fuck and marry that robot.' — without hesitation

Ilana:Ilana: 'You guys know that human-robot marriage is gonna be the civil rights issue of our lifetime?'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Would you rather drink a cup of mayonnaise or a cup of jazz?' — introducing 'jazz' as a euphemism

Ilana:Ilana: 'What the fuck is jazz?' — after Bevers introduces the term

Bevers:Bevers: 'I like to call it jazz because it comes out of my horn and you never know where it's gonna go.'

Bevers:Bevers' Patois accent: 'Me hearing a lot of chitchat. Me don't hear you answering that question, why?'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I would chug the jazz.' — after refusing to answer, finally answering

Jaime:Jaime (American accent): 'I love hamburgers... and I love DUI's.'

Jaime · Frat Guy:The Michigan State Delta Sig guy immediately recognizes Jaime's accent as 'one of us'

Jaime:Jaime: 'That's correct, bro-sef. I was a frat bro upon the campus.'

Abbi · Unknown:Abbi eating food off a surface without asking what it is — '[Abbi], I don't think anybody washed those.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Because the shrimp is always the first thing to get eaten on these boats.' — completely reasonable explanation for pocket shrimp

Ilana:Ilana's 'And she is occupato' while holding up her ziploc — presumably already filled

Bevers:Bevers reveals the ring and vocalizes his own dramatic fanfare: 'Bom-bom bwooom.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I really haven't thought about it, but I'd be Posh Spice.' — instantly in a Spice Girls debate

Jaime:Jaime: 'I wish there could've been like, a Latina one called the Spicy Spice, but this is just a fantasy of mine.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln: 'Open your eyes, man. Shakira is Spicy Spice.' / Ilana: 'Oh my God. You're a genius.'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers: 'Besides, we already live together.' / Abbi: 'No, you do not live together. You have your own apartment.' / Bevers: 'Jesus!'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Does this mean that you'd be moving out?' — with clear emotional investment in the answer

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers asks Abbi to be his best man. Abbi's reaction: 'Bevers, you have four brothers.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'When we get out of here, I'm gonna pop the big Q in front of everybody... I already worked it out with the DJ. I'm such a showboat.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Government-mandated monogamy is for old people, like Facebook invites or network TV.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Or it's not, Ilana.' — flat counter to the government-mandated monogamy speech

Ilana:Ilana: 'We're sex friends... although we haven't had sex in like, four days. You know, today I was actually with him all day, but I didn't see his dick once.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Melody and I haven't had sex in weeks, on purpose though. It's called edging.'

Bevers:Bevers explains edging via whale blowhole analogy: 'You know how whales have that blowhole?'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I'm a sexual X-man, I'm Wolverine. I'm Vulva-rine.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.' — in a terrible British accent

Unknown:'It smells like balls in here.' — upon being freed from the storage room

Jaime:Jaime screaming 'My insulin!' as he runs to them

Ilana:Ilana confessional: 'If Lincoln and I are a couple, it's like, why did my ancestors even come here?'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I don't know.' — responding to 'why did my ancestors even come here'

Abbi:Abbi offers pragmatic solution: 'Why don't you just have sex with Lincoln? And then you're back to being friends, right?'

Ilana:Ilana: 'You got beauty, you got brains, you're a fucking genius.' — to Abbi, right before being distracted

Ilana:Ilana: 'The boys with the penises!' — on seeing Lincoln and Jaime

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'We were looking everywhere for you. Except, we forgot to look for you.'

Jaime:Jaime asking if either of them has a knife 'because me and Lincoln want to become blood brothers'

Ilana:Ilana proposing 'P to P' to Lincoln — 'Pubes to Pubes'

Abbi:Abbi and Jaime find someone having sex in the bathroom and announce 'Hey! There are people fucking in here! Rude!'

Unknown Sex Man:The sex sounds continuing audibly followed by the man casually emerging: 'Oh, hey, what's up, man? I remember you from earlier. He's a nice guy.'

DJ:The PA klaxon and 'We're going down' fake-out — 'I'm kidding! You all know what that sound means... it's a love emergency!'

Abbi:Abbi to Bevers before the mic: 'Yes, you can, you can marry Melody and you can build a life that is completely outside of my apartment.'

Bevers:Bevers' proposal speech goes off the rails: 'Uh, yeah, so Abbi... [pause] ...is my best man.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Abbi's transitioning into becoming a man, and I'm just so proud of her.'

Abbi:Abbi at the mic, after the crowd cheers her transition announcement: 'Okay, yeah... It's true. Uh... I'm becoming a man! I am becoming... a man!'

Abbi:Implication: 'All the lawyers are now into me.'

Abbi:Abbi reports back: 'All the lawyers are now into me.' — deadpan, after her transgender announcement

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers: 'Because of you. You and Ilana made me realize we shouldn't be getting married yet. We're too young.' — then: 'So, you told everyone I'm transitioning into becoming a man.'

Abbi:Abbi's speech to Melody through bathroom door goes on — then she pivots mid-speech to: 'Like, listen, I think we need to actually schedule a time to talk about that, just the two of us, 'cause he just eats all of my stuff.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Well, somebody must've sweet-talked her, 'cause we just boned in a lifeboat. There was so much jazz.'

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'Ow, my dick. It's too romantic, I'm sorry. Ah, we just had sex. It's still sore. I'm in my refractory period, you gotta let me rebuild.'

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'I'm sorry, I'm too hung over. My eyes can't focus on a fixed point right now.'