Honeymoon

David:That was a good choice.

Stevie:Really good choice.

David:Very good choice.

Stevie:Excellent choice.

David:Best choice we've ever made.

David:Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. We need to get out of here before anyone sees us.

Stevie:David, relax. No one saw anything.

David:No one saw anything? Stevie, I am literally standing here in a towel that says 'Property of the Rosebud Motel' on it.

Stevie:Okay, but that's not even one of our nice towels.

David:That's your concern right now?

Johnny:Do you have any towels?

Stevie:Yeah, we have some old t-shirts and a bath mat from 2003.

Johnny:That's not... those aren't towels.

Stevie:Well, they absorb water, so technically...

Johnny:Hello? Is someone in there?

Johnny:I'm going to need you to come out slowly. Keep your hands where I can see them.

Johnny:We can work through this. Whatever you're feeling right now, I understand.

David:Dad, it's just the cat.

Johnny:David, please. I'm in the middle of a very delicate negotiation.

Johnny:I... I see. Well. That's... that's very... I'm just going to... yes. I'll just be... somewhere else. Anywhere else. Right now.

Alexis:Oh my God, David, so you're finally getting back out there! I'm so excited for you!

David:It's really not a big deal. He's just someone I met. It probably won't go anywhere.

Alexis:That's so hot! When are you seeing him again?

David:I'm not sure we will be. He seemed very interested in cryptocurrency.

Alexis:Oh my God, that's amazing! You have so much in common!

Alexis:Two weeks? That's serious.

David:Alexis, I've been with Patrick for two years.

Moira:An unplanned pregnancy is simply a contraceptive failure manifesting as a nine-month inconvenience with a lifetime of financial and emotional ramifications.

Alexis:Well, I'm not pregnant, so I guess I'm not a 'plague of locusts descending upon the family.'

Alexis:You know what? I'm just going to say it. You guys need to get a life.

Alexis:Yeah, like last week, we went to the grocery store and then we came home and David microwaved some salmon.

David:Mom, Dad, you can't just—

Johnny:You know what? I suddenly have no idea what we were talking about.

Moira:Mm, same. Completely blank.

Alexis:You literally just walked in here—

Johnny:Nope. Gone.

Moira:Vanished. Like my first marriage.

Moira:Well, you know, David has always been a bit ambiguous.

Johnny:He's not ambiguous. He's gay.

David:So what was that exactly?

Stevie:I don't know, what do you want to call it?

David:Well, it wasn't... I mean, we didn't...

Stevie:Right, so it was just a...

David:A blop?

Stevie:Did you just say 'blop'?

David:I don't know what we're doing here, Stevie.

David:Well, I'm going to go... skooch myself to the store. Very skooch. Much skooch energy.

David:Don't wait up. I'll be back when I'm back. Or whenever. Time is a flat circle of skooch.

Mutt:So what would you consider cheating in a relationship?

Mutt:Because I think if you're using someone else's hiking trail without asking, that's basically cheating.

Roland:It's not a barbecue, it's a soiree.

Jocelyn:Roland, there are hot dogs on a card table.

Roland:Yes, well, a sophisticated card table.

Jocelyn:We're having a soiree.

Roland:A what?

Jocelyn:A soiree. It's French for a fancy evening party.

Roland:Well, we can't have a soiree. We've got a pig hanging in the garage.

Jocelyn:Well, we just... we didn't think you'd want to come.

Jocelyn:You're not really our people.

David:I'm like a wine that's hard to pair. Some people think I'm too dry, others find me too sweet, and most people just get a headache.

David:I did, actually. I cried myself to sleep, and then I woke up at 3 a.m. in a panic, and then I cried myself back to sleep.

Ted:This is the 'Scandinavian minimalist' collection. It's actually just a bed frame and a nightstand from a big box store, but it sounds better when you say it that way.

Ted:And this one here is the 'mid-century modern restoration' — it's particle board, but the legs are angled, which apparently makes all the difference.

Ted:My personal favorite is the 'contemporary farmhouse aesthetic.' It's literally just wood painted white with some metal handles. Cost me forty dollars.

Ted:Everyone, I just want to say that these rolls are fresh from the microwave!

Alexis:You're like the perfect waitress.

Twyla:Thank you.

Alexis:I mean, you're so good at it, you could actually be a waitress.

Jocelyn:That suit is absolutely gorgeous. I just want to touch it.

Johnny:Well, thank you. It's a Tom Ford.

Jocelyn:No, I mean I want to touch *you* in it.

Johnny:Oh! Well, that's... that's not appropriate.

Roland:Well, I smoke a little marijuana. What are you gonna do, arrest me? I'm the town council.

Roland:I'm also the law. So if I arrest myself, that's an abuse of power by me against me.

Jocelyn:Go ahead, Rollie! Don't be shy!

Moira:Oh, I have a very close relationship with the FDA. My dermatologist's cousin works there. So I'm comfortable with my choices.

David:Washing a car. Yes, that's a real punishment. I'm sure they're devastated. Next week, perhaps they'll be forced to organize a closet. The week after that, maybe fold some linens. Truly, the justice system has spoken.

Twyla:Well, we just... talk about nothing really. Like, he'll say something about the weather, and I'll say something back about the weather, and then we'll just kind of stand there and look at each other for a while.

Ted:Well, thank you. I actually ordered it all online from a restaurant supply company.

Ted:It's a tax write-off if it's for business purposes.

Jocelyn:What if I had become a professional yodeler in the Swiss Alps? I'd have three ex-husbands, all named Klaus, and a pet chamois named Mr. Whiskers who was also my accountant.

Jocelyn:I met Roland at a... well, it was a real estate seminar, and he had these eyebrows that just... they came into the room before he did.

Stevie:Was it funny?

David:What? No. I mean, yes. I mean, not in a bad way. I was laughing because I was happy, not because anything was actually... I wasn't laughing at you.

Stevie:David.

David:I'm just saying, the laughing was contextual. It was a happy laugh. A satisfied laugh.

Stevie:I'm not funny. I'm not trying to be funny. What you're describing sounds like something that would happen to Twyla's friend who charges by the hour.

Johnny:David's gay.

Roland:Oh, David's gay? That's wonderful! So he's got one of those fancy European kitchens?

Johnny:No, Roland, he's homosexual.

Roland:Oh! A homo... sexual... is that like a home sexual? Does he like having sex at home?

Johnny:David, I think what you need to do is just pick one gender and stick with it.

David:Dad, I'm not confused about my gender.

Johnny:Well, then what's the problem?

Stevie:It's like watching a therapy session on reality TV, except everyone involved is actually terrible at communicating, and there's a good chance someone's going to cry into their wine.

David:Well, Stevie, I have to say, you're taking this remarkably well. I mean, for someone of your... limited acting range, this is quite the performance.

Stevie:Thank you?

David:In fact, I'd say you're Emmy-worthy. Outstanding Guest Actress in a Short Form Comedy or Drama Series worthy.

Johnny:David, I want you to know that I'm very supportive of your... lifestyle. Very supportive. I've been reading about it.

David:Dad, you don't need to read about it.

Johnny:Well, I want to understand. I'm very open-minded. Very progressive. You know, some of my best friends are... well, they're not, but they could be.

Johnny:I'm not drunk, I'm high. And let me tell you something about reproduction — it's overrated. Don't do it.