Ted Mullens

Ted:Ted's dark humor: 'Well, if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night.' followed immediately by 'Kidding.'

Ted:Dr.: 'if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night. Kidding.'

Ted · David:Ted's medical question: 'Now, have you been around any feces in the past two days?' David's horrified 'I don't n...'

Ted:Ted's understated response: 'Wow. Eek. That'll do it.'

Ted:Run through you like Niagara Falls.

Ted:Um, I usually prescribe them to my patients when they're feeling a little... backed up.

Twyla · Ted:There's broken glass? / No, there is not broken glass in it

Ted · Alexis:I do not like what this cleanse is doing to your brain. / You're being very rude!

Alexis · Ted:Hey... I come in peace. What's this? I don't know, it's a pre shave follicle mask or something, I took it from the pile of product that nobody bought.

Alexis · Ted:You have to understand that you're the first nice guy that I've dated. / They don't like me? / No, they do! They do, they've just always seen nice as a sign of weakness

Alexis · Ted:Say something super mean. / What, I can't just turn it on in an instant, like you can.

Ted · Alexis:Well, and you, what about you? Are you just going to sit around all day, while I work and buy you dinners? You've gotta go out there and get a job... / Too far. / It's too far, okay.

Ted:I was eating Indian last night, so...

Ted:your worms are almost all gone, aren't they?

Ted:think of them as... our kids.

Ted:Oh, yeah, dogs sometimes do that.

Ted:And if it's any consolation, the dogs told me to tell you that they're super embarrassed about their behaviour, too.

Ted:And I only take in the slutty ones, so...

Jocelyn · Ted · Roland:Pineapples, pig on the spit, the whole nine yards. Oh, you, uh, roast pigs? We do! Sure do. We have a big one hanging in the garage.

Ted:So this whole room... Just gets delivered, as is. This is the 'bachelor's den' here, and then that's the 'executive dining lounge'

Ted:Oh, I should take the rolls out of the microwave. Hot rolls!

Ted:Thank you, Stevie. I ordered it online from a restaurant supply place. No sales tax.

Ted:Chicago's Best Deep Dish Pizza Tour

David · Ted · David · Ted:I'm sure you're from a really solid home and... / David. / Understand. / I'm gonna slap you in the face.

Ted:What's an all-inclusive vacation?

Alexis · Ted:If I was staying, then yes! A thousand times yes! And if things were different and I wasn't leaving, um, then definitely yes. / So, is that a no? / Yes.

Ted:You just ordered the parfait.

Ted:Oh, no, that guy was like, a known alcoholic, and they pulled him out a week ago.

Ted:I don't like you anymore. I mean, like that.

Alexis · Ted:Are you wearing makeup? / So what if I am?

Ted:You know, it's interesting, the longer we have this conversation, the more over it I get.

Ted · Alexis · Ted:Well, I was about to give Hazel a blood test. / Well, I think it's probably better if you put Hazel down. / What?! No, she'll be fine!

Alexis · Ted · Alexis · Ted:You're the perfect boyfriend, Ted. / Thank you... / But... / I knew there was a 'but.'

Ted:Yeah, no, I pieced that part together.

Ted · Alexis:Well, I did book us a two week couples vacation that's non-refundable. / Ooh, yeah, that makes... That makes it harder.

Ted:And it's rare to find someone that beautiful, and smart, and deeply selfish, yet charming!

Ted:'Cause they actually gave me the 'Broken Hearts Special.' Three extra nights at no extra charge, as long as I could prove that I didn't actually make it down the aisle.

Ted:Yeah! Yeah, no, I got almost full price back for the engagement ring, and I've always wanted one of these, and it cost less than the ring, so...

Ted:Except they don't wear helmets on that show, Which I get, but, it's a little dangerous.

Alexis · Ted:That would be uncomfortable accepting free money. No, no, you'd be working. Doing her job, and I would pay you for it. Oh!

Ted · Alexis:Those bare legs are dangerous. Ted! No, I'm serious. The animals carry bugs or ticks that can burrow into your bare skin.

Ted:Yeah, well, Doris has been worried about her cat for two years. She comes in every week.

Ted:Ew! I'm just trying to figure out what happened, all right?

Ted:Cool? Alexis... I couldn't stop crying. I was scaring all the animals at work.

Ted:When I had to go on our honeymoon without you, the zip line instructor at the Los Passions Couples Resort told me that I just gotta get through it.

Ted:I try to have lunch with my mom at least once a week. And sometimes lunch will turn into dinner, because we get carried away chatting

Alexis · Ted:You owe someone money. / Alexis, I pay off my credit card bills two weeks in advance, what do you think?

Ted:I know that they are for the animals, but I find that when I get tired, just one or two kind of help me focus.

Ted:I was making a house call to Lisa's farm, and got head-butted by her goat.

Ted:Heather Warner doesn't actually have a cat.

Alexis · Ted:She like, thinks she has a cat? That's so sad. But I guess she is like 50, so that makes sense. / Yep, she's 42. And she's not crazy. It's... code.

Alexis · Ted:A booty call?! / Well, I'm not crazy about the term, but...

Ted · Alexis:Why should the person who is performing surgery on your pet have to have a six pack?! / You have a six pack.

Ted:That's not the point! And... it's not a full six yet, That's why I'm shredding right now.

Ted:If he wants to sell sex, then he should just get a job down at the Dude Cave! He'd make more money than being a vet!

Alexis · Ted:Um, what's the Dude Cave? / It's the all male strip club outside of town. My cousin Dwayne works there; he drives a Corvette.

Ted · Alexis:Oh no, why didn't you tell me the camera could see me when I get back from my runs?! / I just noticed!

Ted · Alexis:Well... who's to say that people weren't watching for the bunnies? / I am, that's what I'm saying.

Ted:Well, what can I say, sometimes I like to live dangerously. While still respecting my personal boundaries.

Ted · Alexis:Pub nights, frisbee in the quad... Late night hacky sack. Mhmm. We got some serious sack circles going. Oh, so many sex circles. Sack. Hacky sack.

Ted · Alexis:Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA? Yes... technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does.

Ted:No, no, me and some friends, we just got in a car, and took off. Yeah, we were following the American Idol tour. We missed a couple shows, but it's always the exact same set, so... no regrets.

Alexis · Ted:But, I volunteer to work here. / Because it's your job.

Ted · Alexis:Dot, you won't need the Swiffer. / I guess I'll be dancing with Ted.

Alexis · Ted:Although I did think that there would be more of them. / Yeah, well there used to be, but... you know.

Alexis · Ted:Does Dot have arthritis? Because it looks like she's giving me the finger. / Well, she has arthritis, but not in that hand.

Ted:Well, she has arthritis, but not in that hand.

Ted:I don't know about little, because I'm benching 225 right now

Ted:Also, I'm kind of a samurai when it comes to a metal comb, so...

Alexis · Ted:Um, you know that it's me, right? - Yeah, caught on pretty quick.

Ted:I could be shearing you with trimmers right now.

Ted:I'm not sure what's more disgusting, what I'm doing right now, or the concept for that restaurant.

Ted:Just-just the mama, we got her.

Alexis · Ted:She said that her cat is better. She doesn't have a cat.

Alexis · Ted:I got a 60 and a 65! Alexis, those are the class averages. You got a 63 and a 68!

Ted:I, in the mean time, will go to get back to... work-o.

Alexis · Ted:Like when your parents kiss their friends... on the mouth. Yes. Like kissing your parents.

Ted:Back to work-o.

Ted:Actually I was talking about you passing your exams.

Alexis · Ted:You picked up a stick. No, it's a pencil shaped like a twig.

Ted:I hate it when they don't put price tags on things.

Ted:I think maybe we should just avoid kisses for a while. Even adult ones.

Ted · Alexis:formal training is usually encouraged. - Well, I don't have formal training.

Ted:No. God no.

Ted · Alexis:Those were genuine laughs? - Sometimes, yeah.

Ted:Well, I can't say the reception will be as fun, but that's really generous of you, Alexis. Like, surprisingly generous.

Ted:Let's try to find another word for 'quit.' You know, it kinda implies poor management.

Ted:Oh really? She said, extra special. I think we should stay.

Ted:I have a date tonight.

Ted · Alexis:we may uh, you know, need the apartment at some point. Apartment at some point. My God, like for sex.

Alexis · Ted:Um, I liked the guy with the glasses. Me too. Um, or the guy with cystic acne. Either or.

Ted:Just joking, you've got Ted's voicemail. Don't you hate it when people do that? Me too, and yet I just did it.

Ted:Yes, definitely not a War Vet. Damn these fallen arches.

Alexis · Ted:I know that David is looking for exclusivity on your products. / Ooh, she is good.

Alexis · Ted:I'm also glad I did. It's good to see you. It's also good to see you.

Ted:it's kinda hard to guarantee fun.

Ted:That's actually a he, and I think he might already be spoken for?

Ted:Yeah, I was just giving them a little pup talk.

Ted:Oh, I just assumed that's how you always work.

Alexis · Ted:Um, but maybe I could take a puppy home for the night. You know I can't let you do that. Yeah, no. That's no problem.

Ted:It's always gifts for the dogs, and never for me. Definitely one of my pet peeves

Ted:I broke up with Heather

Ted · David:You know how many off-road dirt bike tours I had to take, just to get her outta my head? Shockingly, never been on a dirt bike. Um... But I'm sure like a lot-a lot... A lot of tours, David

Ted:That's a dog treat? Looks like a real treat. What am I gonna do now?

Ted:I'm gonna take that as a compliment, even though everything inside me's telling me that it's not.

Ted:Well, I, I did get up at the Krak-ow dawn

Ted:What if I missed chest and back day?

Ted:your cool, scary, judgy friends

Ted:that's just 72 more cookies to make, then.

Ted · Alexis · Alexis:You didn't tell him? - Oh, my god. - Okay, I hate this!

Alexis · Ted:everyone low-key hates me. - Uh, hate is a strong word.

Ted:Like... that empty book that you gave me.

Ted · Alexis:Now, this appears to be a photo of Twyla? / Yes... I put that there. Because Twyla is an important friend. / And Twyla's mom? / Is her important friend.

Ted:I was actually only one stamp away from a free sub, so.

Alexis · Ted:Old Shan out there. / Okay, first of all Alexis, she's not old, we went to vet school together.

Ted · Alexis:Yeah, it's funny because I actually am a doctor. / So am I... / No, you're not. Just-just Ted.

Ted:Okay, let's remember this is still a place of work.

Ted:Okay, let's remember this is still a place of work.

Ted · Alexis:Yeah, I don't think that's relevant. / Ahem. 'Dear Melanie.' / Melanie? Is this the girl from the falafel place?

Ted:fal-awful saying this over text

Ted:I really... fal-awful saying this over text

Ted · Alexis:'Cool!' Exclamation mark. / And it looks like you ended up walking her dog for her? / Well, she seemed really upset.

Ted:Snip, snip, Mr. Mullens!

Ted:So I polished them off, and... it tasted like burnt plastic, and I regretted it instantly.

Alexis · Ted:Babe, did you rig this? / Maybe I did, and maybe I did!

Ted:Man, come here, big guy!

Ted · Alexis:That was fun. / Yes / That was really fun. Did you have fun? / Yes, Ted. / Did everyone had fun? / Yes, Ted.

Alexis · Ted:You kissed my brother tonight, I'm not kissing you after you kissed my brother. / Pffft! Who kissed your brother?

Ted · Alexis:But first just give your brother a kiss. / Ew, Ted, Ew!

Ted:maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying?

Ted · Johnny:she's just going after whatever she wants, no holds barred! - Oh, well hopefully, some holds barred.

Ted:maybe I should start calling you 'Uncle Johnny,' then, huh?

Alexis · Ted:But I didn't pay for that. / I know, I got it at the flea market.

Ted:seems that the strap has fallen off of your shoulder. I'd offer to put it back for you, but as a delivery guy, I don't know if it's my place.

Ted · Alexis:my... grandmother passed this morning. / Ew! Oh my God, Ted! / Sorry, I wasn't prepared for an improv.

Ted · Alexis:You pulled some new tricks out. / New to you.

Alexis · Ted:the door was unlocked the entire time! / They would've gotten quite the show!

Ted:A few years ago. And it just been real tough to get over.

Alexis · Ted:We just need to figure out where. / And what page is that? / Well, we both agree that we wanna get away, and we both agree that we're gonna land on somewhere so good

Ted:[Awkward silence as Ted realizes Alexis hasn't understood his Galapagos hint at all]

Ted:You mean, other than wanting to study some of the rarest and most diverse forms of plant and animal life on the planet?

Ted:You know, Emmett, the tortoise is 180-years-old, So I'm sure he'll still be around in another few years

Ted:once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity

Alexis · Ted:Yes, Ted Mullens, I will go to the Cayman Islands with you. / Uh, you mean the Galapagos?

Alexis · Ted:Yes! Let's celebrate! / Uh, no, no, no, I meant like, vaccinations

Ted:Those are actually an insane safety hazard. If they catch fire, you're basically trapped in a burning cage, so. But, totally.

Ted:what you're describing is missing someone, and it is a totally normal feeling.

Ted · Alexis:we discovered a new breed of fly that mates with itself. Yummm! Mm.

Alexis · Ted:Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles. Tortoises, but I do have tur-tell you

Alexis · Ted · David:Oh my God, David! Knock much?! / Hi, David! / Hi. Is he dressed?

David · Johnny · Ted:You and Alexis were about to engage in cyber-sex. / Hi, Ted. / Hi, Mr. Rose.

Alexis · Ted:And you're wearing the little tie with your short-sleeved shirt. My little Galapo-guy. / Yeah, it's actually really hot here, so the bottom half is just my bathing suit and flip-flops.

Alexis · Ted · Twyla:Ted! More about your bottom half, please! / Twyla's not standing right behind you, is she? / Hi, Ted.

Ted · Alexis:In fact, they actually named the new fly 'Alexis.' / The fly that mates with itself?

Ted:It was a real 'Fyre Fest.' (Chuckles)

Ted:Well, I put some screens on the windows. I wouldn't really call it a renovation

Ted:the screens that I installed are actually attracting more bugs somehow

Ted:the ants are back and, uh, I think what we're about to do probably wouldn't end very well if a fire ant was involved

Ted · Alexis:Hi, uh sorry there were limited options at the airport gift shop. 'Have a great flight', so sweet.

Ted:Yeah, yeah, no need to milk it.

Ted:I'd rather not walk in on her and her zumba instructor, don't wanna have to zoom back here.

Ted:I think that you are the most beautiful girl this town's ever seen.

Ted:Actually, those flies are an invaluable piece of the puzzle in the study of evolution, but... yes we do have our fingers crossed that there are still a few more out there.