Ted Mullens

Ted:What you just ordered is gonna run through you like Niagara Falls.

Ted:I'm... I'm... I'm kidding. I'm actually not. I've absolutely done that... With her smoothies.

Alexis · Ted:So are you a doctor or... ? — I'm a veterinarian. — Oh! It's basically the same thing.

Ted:I feel good about this one.

Johnny · Moira · Ted:Tell me, Ted, are your parents still together? — Uh, no. They divorced when I was in high school. — Oh... alcoholism. — No, I think they just realized that they were better off as friends. — Tsk, tsk. Affair. Poor thing.

Ted:I had the pleasure of treating your son's panic attack.

Johnny · Moira · Ted:'In the morning!' Very funny, Alexis! Don't even think about it. Ain't gonna happen. — Ted, not on the first date. — Yes, sir.

Ted · Twyla:It's not like there's broken glass in it. / There's broken glass?

Alexis · Ted:Say something super mean. / What, I can't just turn it on in an instant, like you can.

Ted:Ted's escalating 'mean' things about the Rose family: David is 'a little pretentious,' Moira is 'a little uninformed'

Ted · Alexis:I find your brother can be a little pretentious sometimes. / Yes, yes! He is so pretentious, and it is so gross.

Ted · Alexis:Well, and your mother... / Seems to be a little uninformed at times. / She's uninformed most of the time. / This is great, this is really good.

Ted · Alexis:Well, and you, what about you? Are you just going to sit around all day, while I work and buy you dinners? You've gotta go out there and get a job... / Too far. / Mm-hmm. / It's too far, okay. / That's too far.

Ted:Yeah, your worms are almost all gone, aren't they? Yeah...

Ted:Just... for tonight, think of them as... our kids.

Ted:So... I'm sorry if, earlier, I wasn't sensitive to your animal issues.

Ted:And if it's any consolation, the dogs told me to tell you that they're super embarrassed about their behaviour, too.

Alexis · Ted:Well, I am dating a vet. I should've known that... There'd be slutty little animals running around. And I only take in the slutty ones, so...

Ted · Alexis:'Opening your heart to animals: A guide to the benefits of caring for something other than yourself.' It's a very specific book.

Alexis · Ted:Is it a credit card? No. It's a room key... To the premium king suite at the Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale, and they have a very strict no pets allowed policy.

Alexis · Ted:Thank you. No. Thank you. No. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you! Thank you.

David · Ted:Wow, Ted, the place is very... new looking. / Did you design the interior? / Oh, I wish. No, I found this website online that sells off old department store showrooms. So this whole room... just gets delivered, as is. This is the 'bachelor's den' here, and then that's the 'executive dining lounge.'

Ted:Ted explains his entire apartment was bought from a website selling department store showrooms — it comes 'delivered, as is,' including 'the bachelor's den' and 'the executive dining lounge.'

David · Ted:So are we the only ones showing up to this party? / No, we're still waiting for Mutt and Twyla. / Oh, I should take the rolls out of the microwave. Hot rolls!

David · Ted:Alexis had just said that this was a 'party' party. / Ah, well, you must've been misinformed then, David.

Mutt · Ted:So, where is everybody? / It is. It's an exclusive little party.

Stevie · Ted:Ted, this is delicious. / Thank you, Stevie. I ordered it online / No sales tax.

Ted:Sorry, I thought everyone knew. / No. / It's okay.

Ted · Twyla:Um, Stevie, I don't think you're a big hooker. / You don't talk all dinner, and now you're telling me I can't talk about Trixie?

Alexis · Mutt · Ted:We were washing a car and talking about bad dreams. / Okay? / Okay. / You sound a little defensive. / Well... / I'd agree.

Ted:So I guess we won't be playing Hedbanz.

Ted · Alexis:Ted casually mentions he booked a 'Chicago's Best Deep Dish Pizza Tour' for the afternoon

Ted · Alexis:Ted reveals they're staying at the 'Clarendon Executive Suites and Apartments' — Alexis reacts with 'Babe!' as if it's the most glamorous thing imaginable

David · Alexis · Ted:David convinces Ted's veterinary conference is in 'a Chicago suburb' — Alexis hadn't told Ted about cancelling

David · Ted:David tells Alexis she 'can't miss your own mother's surprise party' — then says to Ted 'I'm sure you're from a really solid home and... Understand.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted shows up at the party despite supposedly being at the conference: 'Well, I had someone take my last seminar. I didn't wanna miss this.'

Ted · Mutt · Alexis:Ted to Mutt, about the suit: 'Great suit, bud.' — Mutt: 'Thanks.' — then Alexis immediately to Mutt: 'Killed somebody for it.'

Ted · Mutt · Alexis:Ted to Mutt: 'Great suit, bud.' / Mutt: 'Thanks.' — followed by Alexis saying 'Babe, I thought you had that...' / Mutt: 'Killed somebody for it.'

Ted · Alexis:Originally, we were gonna be on an all-inclusive vacation when I did this. / What's an all-inclusive vacation?

Ted · Alexis:Alexis Claire Rose, will you marry me? / Um... [long pause] / Yes! / If I was staying, then yes! A thousand times yes! / And if things were different and I wasn't leaving, um, then definitely yes. / So, is that a no? / Yes.

Ted:Ted appears; Alexis has claimed she hasn't been sleeping or eating — 'You just ordered the parfait.'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis: 'And I just keep picturing him at the bottom of a lake.' Ted: 'Oh, no, that guy was like, a known alcoholic, and they pulled him out a week ago.'

Ted:Ted wondering if his texts aren't getting through — 'or maybe I'm sending them wrong?'

Alexis · Ted:Ted asks if Alexis is scared 'about David, or about being with...' and Alexis replies 'Yeah, that.' — collapsing both fears into one non-answer

Alexis · Ted:Oh my God, it's like we're sharing a brain! [then Ted reveals he wants to try the proposal again]

Ted · Alexis:Unless you were gonna say something else? [long pause] No!

Ted · Alexis:'Cause you and me... / You and I... / No, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! / It's-mmm!

Alexis · Ted:Well, I think it's probably better if you put Hazel down. / What?! No, she'll be fine! It's just her blood sugar!

Ted:Well, that was pretty direct. / People like you deserve better than people like me.

Alexis · Ted:You're the perfect boyfriend, Ted. / Thank you... / But... / I knew there was a 'but.' / No, no, no! There is no 'but.' / But you're just not the perfect boyfriend for me.

Ted:Yeah, no, I pieced that part together.

Alexis · Ted:Oh wow, could you make this any harder? / Well, I did book us a two week couples vacation that's non-refundable.

Ted:She really made a mark on me, you know? And it's rare to find someone that beautiful, and smart, and deeply selfish, yet charming!

Alexis · Ted:Oh my god! Ted? / Alexis! / You look good. Like, really good, like, super... sun kissed, and muscle-y.

Ted:'Cause they actually gave me the Broken Hearts Special. Three extra nights at no extra charge, as long as I could prove that I didn't actually make it down the aisle.

Ted:I got almost full price back for the engagement ring, and I've always wanted one of these [the motorcycle], and it cost less than the ring, so...

Ted:My day's been stacked, doing rounds to some farms, checking on the animals, and now some house calls. But I gotta say, it's a lot more fun now that I've got this puppy. Pun intended.

Ted:Yeah! Except they don't wear helmets on that show, Which I get, but, it's a little dangerous.

Alexis · Ted:Alexis insists on formally interviewing for the job Ted has already offered her, despite him pointing out she already has it

Ted · Alexis:Ted conducting a formal job interview he already knows the outcome of — the theatrical 'ahem' and papers shuffling

Alexis · Ted:Ted asks if Alexis has receptionist experience. 'That would be a no, but I have dealt with a lot of receptionists before, and so I feel like I have the right temperament for it.'

Alexis · Ted:After Ted hires her: Alexis: 'You're a really good actor.' Ted: 'Thanks.' Alexis: 'You're welcome.'

Alexis · Ted:Hey! Sorry I'm a bit late. Um, I wasn't sure what the etiquette was for this kind of thing, so I walked around the block a little bit. / Oh, you can show up early, or on time. Early is probably even better.

Ted · Alexis:Those bare legs are dangerous. / Ted! / No, I'm serious. The animals carry bugs or ticks that can burrow into your bare skin.

Ted · Alexis:I found you a loaner pair [of scrub pants]. Helen must have left them. [Cut to Alexis in comically ill-fitting pants]

Ted · Alexis:So how's the filing coming? / I have been swamped. Doris's cat is like totally high maintenance.

Alexis · Ted:Hey, I was thinking about what you said yesterday and, um, I think... / Now is not a good time.

Alexis · Ted:How are things with Mittens? / He's dead. / Ew!

Ted:It's not everyone who can tell an old woman that her cat is dead, and set up a love connection, and sell our most expensive marble urn in the same three-minute conversation.

Alexis · Ted:Um, how many two-week vacations are available per year? Well, tell you what, why don't we start with one and then we'll just go from there.

Alexis · Ted:Ted reveals there's a party at Mutt's, and Alexis didn't know she was invited — then asks what time the party is.

Ted · Alexis:Ted's response to Alexis describing her app: 'Right, so then... what will you do?' — implying the app replaces her only function

Ted:I try to have lunch with my mom at least once a week. And sometimes lunch will turn into dinner, because we get carried away chatting.

Alexis · Ted:Okay, but nothing during lunch, though. / Maybe? / Tell your mom I say hi. / Okay... thanks.

Alexis · Ted:You owe someone money. — Alexis, I pay off my credit card bills two weeks in advance, what do you think?

Ted:Okay, fine. I know that they are for the animals, but I find that when I get tired, just one or two kind of help me focus.

Alexis · Alexis · Ted · Alexis:Lisa dropped them off. — Hey! Don't be embarrassed. I know your little secret, and as your assistant I will be discreet, and professional. — What? — No one's gonna know that you're having an adventurous little rendezvous with an apple-cheeked farm-woman!

Ted · Alexis · Ted:I was making a house call to Lisa's farm, and got... head-butted by her goat. — Is that when one of you is on the floor, and then the other one kind of just like hops... — No, uh... I was head-butted by an actual goat.

Alexis · Alexis · Ted:Ohhh. — She like, thinks she has a cat? That's so sad. But I guess she is like 50, so that makes sense. — Yep, she's 42. And she's not crazy. It's... code.

Ted · Alexis · Ted:I'm kind of seeing Heather, and the flea shampoo is... — A booty call?! — Well, I'm not crazy about the term, but...

Alexis · Ted:Ted, look at you, Little Sexy Susan! — Okay, calling me 'Susan' kinda takes the sexy out of it.

Alexis · Ted:Ted, say hi to her cat for me. — That's too far, Alexis!

Ted:'It's the competition, and he's selling his body to get clients, it's disgusting!' — Ted's outraged reaction to a sexy vet photo

Alexis · Ted:'You could probably take just as sexy a photo if you wanted to.' / 'I could definitely take just a... I don't want to.'

Ted:'And... it's not a full six yet, that's why I'm shredding right now.'

Ted:'If he wants to sell sex, then he should just get a job down at the Dude Cave!'

Ted:'The bottom line is that I did not go to med school just to exploit innocent puppies as a cover for my extreme vanity!'

Ted · Alexis:'Are those the people we wanna be targeting?' / 'Well, it's free marketing, and you can find little homes for those little bunnies that don't have any houses.'

Ted · Alexis:'But if those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, I am pulling the plug! / Yes. / Honeypea.'

Ted:'Oh. / Oh no, why didn't you tell me the camera could see me when I get back from my runs?!' — Ted's slowly dawning horror

Ted:Ted's dawning 'Oh.' — a long, slow realization of what the camera saw

Ted:Ted decides to keep the bunny cam running: 'who's to say that people weren't watching for the bunnies?'

Ted:Ted decides: 'I feel that until these guys are adopted, we can't take it down, that'd be bad for business, for the bunnies' sake.'

Ted:'Well, what can I say, sometimes I like to live dangerously. While still respecting my personal boundaries.'

Ted:Ted: 'We always hoped they'd lead to sex, but... still.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'We got some serious sack circles going.' Alexis: 'Oh, so many sex circles.' Ted: 'Sack. Hacky sack. We always hoped they'd lead to sex, but... still.'

Alexis · Ted:Um nothing. It just says that I work here. / Uh-huh. This is for volunteer hours. But you don't volunteer here. You work here. / But, I volunteer to work here.

Ted · Alexis:Well, tonight's gonna be fun though, dance lessons! / We'd have to touch them.

Ted · Senior Woman:Everybody, I'd like to introduce Alexis, she's going to be joining us tonight. So that way we'll all have partners. / That's great! / Dot, you won't need the Swiffer.

Senior Woman · Another Senior · Ted:I guess I'll be dancing with Ted. / I thought Carol assigns the dance partners. / We'll all get a chance to dance with Ted.

Alexis · Ted:Although I did think that there would be more of them. / Yeah, well there used to be, but... you know.

Alexis · Ted:Oh, okay, but these ones actually smell like very clean, like baby powder. / Yeah, I think it's probably better if you call the girls by their names.

Alexis · Ted:Does Dot have arthritis? Because it looks like she's giving me the finger. / Well, she has arthritis, / but not in that hand.

Ted · Alexis:Mind if I cut in? / Oh, yeah. / But I'm also happy to keep dancing with one of them. / No, I meant I could dance with Joan. / Just the ladies get pretty upset if I don't divide my time between them.

Ted · Alexis:Does she want me to help her? [Alexis: No.] [Long beat]

Ted:I'm kind of a samurai when it comes to a metal comb, so...

Alexis · Ted:Um, you know that it's me, right? [Ted: Yeah, caught on pretty quick.]

Alexis · Ted:You're the sweetest little vet I've ever met. [Ted: I don't know about little, because I'm benching 225 right now, so it's not really something someone little...]

Ted:Well, I've seen worse. Fleas, ticks, worms. Granted, all of those were on house pets.

Ted:I could be shearing you with trimmers right now.

Ted:I'm not sure what's more disgusting, what I'm doing right now, or the concept for that restaurant.

Ted:Speaking of Thailand, I think this is probably the most intimate thing I've ever done with an employee.

Alexis · Ted:Speaking of Thailand, I think we've done a few more intimate things than this. [Ted: I meant while they were an employee. Not that I'd do this for anyone else. Because it's actually pretty gross.]

Ted · Alexis:Well, there are some big ones in here. [Alexis: Ewww!] I'm joking, I'm joking. Oh, maybe not. [Alexis: Eww!] Nope, it's fine. It is fine, it's fine. Just the mama, we got her.

Alexis · Ted:Alexis avoids checking her grades by avoiding the computer entirely, calling it 'not really an option' for herself

Alexis · Ted:Alexis initially thinks the class averages (60 and 65) are her grades and celebrates them

Ted · Alexis:Ted's awkward 'work-o' exit after the grade celebration — '...will go to get back to... work-o'

Ted · Alexis:Ted and Alexis's 'adult kiss' conversation — rationalized as 'like when your parents kiss their friends on the mouth'

Ted:Ted reveals he deleted Groupon because 'three vacuums is enough'

Ted · Alexis:Ted trips/stumbles as he leaves the room, Alexis reacts with 'Watch out! Oh. Oh!'

Ted · Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Ted mentions 'the big news' and Alexis panics, starts to explain 'the hug' — Ted clarifies he meant exam results

Ted · Alexis:Ted's gift to Alexis: a pencil shaped like a twig from the store

Ted · Alexis:Ted gives Alexis 'a little something' for passing her exams — it's a twig. Ted: 'No, it's a pencil shaped like a twig. I got it at the store.'

Ted:Ted: 'Yes. A lot more expensive than I thought too. I hate it when they don't put price tags on things.'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis's accidental kiss — meant as 'a thank-you adult kiss' — followed by Ted's mortified 'I think maybe we should just avoid kisses for a while. Even adult ones.'

Ted · Alexis:'Adult high five' — Ted and Alexis's final resolution of the adult-kiss situation

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'Yeah, well, y'know, formal training is usually encouraged.' (responding to Alexis noting applicants went to school 'specifically for vet stuff')

Ted:Ted: 'No. God no.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'Those were genuine laughs?' (re: Alexis saying she came in to laugh at his animal puns)

Ted:Ted: 'Well, I can't say the reception will be as fun.' / 'Like, surprisingly generous.'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis announces she has 'graduation tonight' at 11am and negotiates to leave at 4 instead of 5

Ted:Ted: 'Let's try to find another word for quit. It kinda implies poor management.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted hesitates to leave when the Jazzagals start — 'Oh really? She said extra special. I think we should stay.' Alexis has to drag him out.

Ted:Ted clarifies the applicants are 'perfectly happy-looking people' applying for Alexis's old job

Alexis Rose · Ted:Alexis insists on the word 'quit' having no 'negative connotation' given that they 'had a pretty fun time working together'

Ted · Alexis Rose:Ted: 'I have to admit, Alexis, some of your questions were shockingly effective. I found it very telling how many people would just accept a cocktail from a total stranger.'

Ted · Alexis Rose:Ted: 'Who would've known that Paul was allergic to cats?' Alexis: 'What was he doing here?'

Ted:Ted: 'You definitely had a certain something, and I can't quite put my finger on [it].'

Ted · Alexis Rose:Ted reveals he has 'a date tonight' and 'may need the apartment at some point' — Alexis's dawning realization: 'My God, like for sex.'

Alexis Rose · Ted:Ted's date is revealed to be 'Heather, the woman with the cat' — Alexis: 'Yes, the woman who wanted you to wash her cat all the time.'

Ted:Hello? / Hey. / Hello? / Hey, can you hear me? / Just joking, you've got Ted's voicemail. Don't you hate it when people do that? Me too, and yet I just did it.

Ted · Heather:Ted: 'But if you've ever had her quiche, you can definitely say that it is eggs-cellent.' Heather: 'Ted.'

Ted · Heather · Alexis:Ted to Heather's client: 'She used to be my receptionist.' Heather: 'That's how I know your voice — you answered the phones at the vet's clinic.' Alexis: 'Yes! Well, I mean, like technically I had more responsibility than just answering the phones but...'

David · Ted:Heather realizes Ted is the vet Alexis mentioned dating. David: 'because when you said vet, I thought you meant like, a War Vet.' Ted (with a limp): 'Yeah, no definitely not a War Vet. Damn these fallen arches.'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis and Ted's entire awkward scene where neither can admit they texted intentionally

Ted · Alexis:What, uh, what'd it say? / Nothing. I don't think it said anything, now that I think about it.

Alexis · Ted:Hello dummy, why do you think I'm here? I'm here to tell you to be careful because with those texts, those texts in the wrong hands... / Yeah, it was actually meant for Heather.

Alexis · Ted:Uh no, I should get outta your hair. But it was good to see you, Mr. Bagel. / That's a you-and-Heather thing, but now that you texted me, it's kind of like an all-of-us thing.

Ted · Alexis:Ted gently walking Alexis to the correct idea: discount for two singles eating together

Ted:it's kinda hard to guarantee fun.

Alexis · Ted:Hi. / Hi. / How long have you been standing there? / Um, long enough. / Yeah, I was just giving them a little pup talk.

Ted:Oh, I just assumed that's how you always work.

Alexis · Ted:Um, but maybe I could take a puppy home for the night. / You know I can't let you do that. / Yeah, no. That's no problem.

Ted · David:It's always gifts for the dogs, and never for me. / Definitely one of my pet peeves.

Ted · David:I'm sorry, I just... I just was expecting Alexis, so you showing up here has really thrown me off my game. Um... no, your game is... tight.

Ted · David:I broke up with Heather. / So I should probably stay, then, for a minute?

David · Ted:Yeah, that sounds very dark. / You know how many off-road dirt bike tours I had to take, just to get her outta my head? / Shockingly, never been on a dirt bike. Um... / But I'm sure like a lot-a lot... A lot of tours, David.

Ted · David:Maybe this can be your thank you. / That's a dog treat? / Looks like a real treat.

Ted · Alexis:Hi. / Apparently I only have two minutes, so I'm gonna make this quick. / Hi. / I'm Ted, I'm newly single.

Ted · Alexis:And I'd be kidding myself if I told you that I haven't wanted to do this every single day for the last two years. / Do what?

Alexis · Ted:Look at you in that flouncy apron, you little Christmas Elf! / I'm gonna take that as a compliment, even though everything inside me's telling me that it's not.

Ted · Alexis:Well, I did get up at the Krak-ow dawn, so that Alexis could bake these cookies. / Alexis didn't bake these cookies, though. / Yeah, no, I know, I just thought that we would say that you did.

Alexis · Ted:It did take a bit of convincing, after the called-off engagement... s. / But, they have all agreed to give you one last chance. / What? / I shouldn't have said one last chance, I just meant like, one... more... final chance. / I-I'm making this sound worse than it is.

Ted:Wow, what if something came up and I couldn't come? / Yeah. What if I missed chest and back day?

Ted:I do want to meet your cool, scary, judgy friends

Ted:O... Kay, that's just 72 more cookies to make, then.

Ted:Any room left at the inn?

Johnny · Alexis · Ted:Alexis, I thought we agreed that you and Ted would be coming here tonight? / I know, but Ted's friends are having a thing, and everyone low-key hates me. / Uh, hate is a strong word.

Ted:Ted: 'It's actually closer to 30 feet, bud.' (correcting the 20-foot estimate of how high the ropes course is)

David · Patrick · Alexis · Ted:David gets on the ropes course, immediately freezes, and we see him stuck — everyone watching below

Ted:Ted: 'Hey David, just pretend you're in like, a super dangerous walk-and-turn sobriety test.'

David · Patrick · Alexis · Ted:David: 'I'm sorry, you were right, the quiz was rigged.' / 'What?! What quiz?'

Ted · Alexis:I've held on to some things. / Oh my God, should I be worried? / Well, I, I did keep this waterproof watch that Heather gave me.

Ted:Yeah, it's just that your face is doing some really weird stuff right now.

Alexis · Ted:Like... that empty book that you gave me. / The journal? / Yes! The journal. And very likely some jewelry.

Ted · Alexis:Like a ring, or... / A locket? / Yes. The locket you gave me. I kept that the most.

Ted · Alexis:Oh yeah, it's just funny, I don't think I've ever seen you wear it. / I'm just so scared of losing it.

Ted · Alexis:You've never written in a journal, have you? / No, but um, one time I did do a book report on David's diary, and it was very dark. Okay.

Ted · Alexis:I uh, see you're wearing the locket. / Oh! I don't know, am I? / Oh, right.

Ted · Alexis:Now, this appears to be a photo of Twyla? / Yes... I put that there. Because Twyla is an important friend. / And Twyla's mom? / Is her important friend.

Ted:You gave the locket to Twyla, didn't you?

Ted · Alexis:Yeah, after the breakup, I uh... well, I took some of your stuff to the incinerator, along with some pets that needed to be cremated. / Ew. / And you think you feel bad? / The wallet that you gave me was still in there, and I had forgotten to take some of the cards out, and I was actually only one stamp away from a free sub, so.

Ted:Oh, almost a sweet gesture, Alexis, thank you.

Ted · Alexis:Well, we did a lot more than that. / I'm sorry, should I be jealous?

Ted · Alexis:Yeah, it's funny because I actually am a doctor. / So am I... / No, you're not. Just-just Ted.

Ted:We were supposed to meet up at the 5k for Feral Cats, and... I never followed up.

Ted:I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you, and I really... fal-awful saying this over text.

Ted:Pretty harsh. But it had to be done.

Alexis · Ted:'Cool!' Exclamation mark. / And it looks like you ended up walking her dog for her? / Well, she seemed really upset.

Ted · Alexis:Honey, I'm home. / Oh, shouldn't I be the one saying that?

Ted · Alexis:Except it's Neuterpalooza week at work, and I still have two days of spaying and neutering ahead of me. / Let's stop saying 'neutering', 'cause it's killing my buzz!

Ted:Yeah, it's my dad's housecoat from storage. I was thinking we could go as Hef, R.I.P., and a Playboy Bunny.

Ted:Snip, snip, Mr. Mullens!

Ted:After you used all of my booze for your punch, the only alcohol left in my fridge was a few of your rum, raspberry, coconut coolers. So I polished them off, and... it tasted like burnt plastic, and I regretted it instantly.

Alexis · Ted:Babe, did you rig this? / Maybe I did, and maybe I did!

Ted:All right, who's the lucky lady?

Patrick · Alexis · Ted:That's offensive. / Okay, anyway, re-spin! / Yeah, it actually looks like it sorta landed between two people. / No, no, no, no! I know exactly who it landed on.

Ted · Patrick:Ted kisses Patrick enthusiastically at the spin-the-bottle game.

David · Ted · David:It looks like the punch needs a refill. / Oh hey, I could use a refill too, big guy. / Okay, I don't know where 'big guy' is coming from, but it needs to stop.

Ted:Yum. That was fun.

Ted:It was really good for me.

Stevie · Ted · David:I say we play truth or dare. / Oh Stevie, I'm in! / Oh no, Ted.

Ted · Alexis:That was fun. / Yes. / That was really fun. Did you have fun? / Yes, Ted.

Ted · Alexis:That's good, it's good that everyone had fun. / Okay, you still have your slippers on. / Yeah, I know, sometimes my feet get really cold when I drink too much. / It's not a thing.

Ted · Alexis:Yeah, I know, sometimes my feet get really cold when I drink too much. / It's not a thing.

Alexis · Ted:You kissed my brother tonight, I'm not kissing you after you kissed my brother. / Pffft! Who kissed your brother?

Alexis · Ted:Okay, it's time for 'Fun Ted' to just pass out. / No, he's not even tired. In fact, if anything, I'd say he's only becoming more fun.

Ted · Alexis:But first just give your brother a kiss. / Ew, Ted, Ew! / Come on. / Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! That's you.

Ted · Johnny:Yeah, yeah, but she's in a much better place these days. She's got like, a whole new lease on life. She told me that she's just going after whatever she wants, no holds barred! / Oh, well hopefully, some holds barred.

Cheryl · Alexis · Ted:I've fallen for my Zumba instructor. / Bill? / Bill. / Well, Bill's great! Does this mean that I get his gym discount? / It does! / Awww!

Alexis · Ted:Alexis sarcastically telling an unseen customer 'Sorry, we're closed' — the 'customer' turns out to be Alexis's boyfriend Ted

Ted · Alexis:Ted arriving as a 'delivery man' bringing Alexis gifts he bought at the flea market — beginning an elaborate delivery man roleplay

Ted:Ted, in character as delivery man: 'Uh...miss, seems that the strap has fallen off your shoulder. I'd offer to put it back for you, but as a delivery guy, I don't know if it's my place.'

Ted · Alexis:Alexis, still in character: 'Now, if only you had that much respect for my time. I've been waiting here forever.' Ted: 'Sorry that I'm late... my... grandmother passed this morning.'

Ted:Sorry that I'm late... my... grandmother passed this morning.

Ted:Ted: 'Sorry, I wasn't prepared for an improv.'

Ted:Ted, when asked what else he wasn't prepared for: 'The... import taxes?'

Ted · Alexis:Ted and Alexis's post-coital scene in David's store: 'Whoa! That was...' 'I know, like they're good, but that was like...' 'You pulled some new tricks out.' 'New to you.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'Anyway, David should leave you in charge of the store more often.' Alexis: 'Um... Ted, the door was unlocked the entire time!'

Ted · Alexis:Ted and Alexis pretending there was a delivery man who broke the sink — Ted inventing increasingly implausible details about 'the scanner thing'

Ted:I'd get your signature, but I guess I left my clipboard and scanner thing somewhere, so.

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'I guess I left my clipboard... and scanner thing somewhere, so.' Alexis: 'Do you think it might be in David's new bathroom? Apparently it's just for customers, but he never lets anyone use it.' Ted: 'I remember now, I definitely left my scanner thing in there.'

Ted · Alexis:Alexis suggests going to 'find the scanner thing'; Ted asks to drop the bit because 'it's kinda throwing me off'

Ted:Ted: 'Oh, this is nice!' [reacting to David's bathroom] then immediately: 'Uh-oh! Is that a sink? Oh! A sink it is!'

Ted · David:Ted: 'And if we're pointing fingers, David, I've done it on a lot of sinks and I've never had an issue.' David: 'When you say you've done it on a lot of sinks—' Ted: 'Out!'

Ted:And if we're pointing fingers, David, I've done it on a lot of sinks and I've never had an issue.

Ted · Alexis:Ted reveals he already made brunch for them, Alexis says she already ate — he says he'll just have her plate for dinner. Alexis: 'Yum!'

Ted · Alexis:Ted keeps steering the conversation toward 'the Galapagos Islands' while Alexis keeps enthusiastically redirecting to other destinations

Ted:Ted: 'Emmett the tortoise is 180-years-old, so I'm sure he'll still be around in another few years.'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis: 'Yes, Ted Mullens, I will go to the Cayman Islands with you.' Ted: 'Uh, you mean the Galapagos?'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'Oh! We're gonna need shots.' Alexis: 'Yes! Let's celebrate!' Ted: 'Uh, no, no, no, I meant like, vaccinations.'

Alexis · Ted:Ted mentions malaria pills and insect repellant; Alexis suggests 'one of those sexy little mosquito nets for around our bed' and Ted explains they're 'an insane safety hazard — if they catch fire, you're basically trapped in a burning cage'

Ted · Alexis:Ted suggests Alexis think of the vaccine like Botox. Alexis recoils: 'Ew, Ted! What am I, 32?'

Ted:Ted's reassurance about hating the trip: 'if we get there, and we hate it, well, we'll probably have to wait it out a bit, just because it's pretty far away, and it would be pretty tough to re-book our travel arrangements'

Johnny · Alexis · Ted:'Well, you dazzled tonight, sweetheart. Thank you.' / '...Oh, sorry, I don't know why I thought you were talking to me.'

Ted · Alexis · Stevie:Well, you dazzled tonight, sweetheart. Thank you. / Oh, sorry, I don't know why I thought you were talking to me.

Alexis · Ted:'I can't wait to sip piña coladas with you.' / 'Again, it's not really that kind of place, but yes.'

Ted:I've actually been bench pressing 100-pound tortoises because there's no gym here.

Ted:Tortoises, but I do have tur-tell you...

David · Alexis · Ted:David walks in on Alexis mid-video-call flirtation and reacts with visible disgust.

Ted · Alexis:Yeah, it's actually really hot here, so the bottom half is just my bathing suit and flip-flops. / Ted! More about your bottom half, please! / Twyla's not standing right behind you, is she?

Twyla · Ted · Alexis:Hi, Ted. / Twyla, again, I can't thank you enough for making this happen. / Um, I can lock up if you wanna go, Twy. / Oh, someone has to serve you dinner. But don't worry, I'll stay out of your way.

Ted · Alexis:In fact, they actually named the new fly 'Alexis.' / The fly that mates with itself? / Yeah, I think the important thing is that now I have a little Alexis here with me, just buzzing around.

Alexis Rose · Ted:Alexis's boyfriend Ted is on video call in 'Stewart's dorm room' because his dorm was evacuated due to fire ants, which Alexis calls 'a real Fyre Fest'

Alexis Rose · Ted:Ted apologizes for being late because 'Myrtle was laying her eggs and the whole team was really excited'; Alexis says 'Mmm! Yeah, I bet. Fresh omelettes.'

Ted:Ted's deadpan correction: 'Well, Myrtle's a green sea turtle, and they only spawn every two years, so eating her eggs would actually disrupt an entire ecosystem. Plus, there's like a ton of cholesterol.'

Ted:Ted admits the screens he installed are 'actually attracting more bugs somehow'

Ted:Ted: 'Sorry. I can't tell if the screen's frozen, or if you're just really shocked.'

Alexis Rose · Ted:Alexis pivots from the breakup talk to phone sex: 'Nobody's home, so why don't we start by teleporting you out of that shirt?'

Ted · Alexis Rose:Ted's response to Alexis's phone sex invitation: 'That's not really how teleportation works, but I think that I can--' then immediately interrupted by fire ants

Ted · Alexis:Ted arrives with an airport gift that reads 'Have a great flight'

Alexis · Ted:"Ew Ted, they made you drink milk on the airplane?" "No I actually ordered it, and in my defense, they were serving cookies, so."

Ted:"Yeah, yeah, no need to milk it."

Ted:"My mom's staying at my place and I'd rather not walk in on her and her zumba instructor, don't wanna have to zoom back here."

Ted:'Huh, that's a lot of dairy.'