The Dress

Johnny:Moira, there's no hot water. I just took a normal shower.

Moira:Well, of course there's no hot water, John. I was in there for 45 minutes.

Johnny:45 minutes? What were you doing in there?

Moira:My beauty routine. The double cleanse, the toning mist, the serum, the eye cream, the moisturizer, the neck cream, the face mask, the exfoliant, the essence, the sheet mask, the overnight treatment, and then I had to condition my hair, deep condition my hair, apply my hair oil, and do my full body exfoliation and moisturizing regimen.

Johnny:That's... that's insane, Moira.

Moira:Well, this is what happens when you let yourself go, John. One day you're neglecting your skincare routine, and the next day you're unrecognizable.

Moira:Well, I've decided we need to tighten our belts. So I'm reading a magazine from 1987.

Alexis:Oh my God, a package for me? I love packages!

Alexis:Wait, what is this? I don't remember ordering anything.

Alexis:You know what, it doesn't matter. I'm just going to sign for it.

Alexis:There. Signed. Now it's officially mine, even though I have absolutely no idea what it is or if it's actually for me.

Moira:This is my new dress. I call it 'dobrodošli.'

Moira:This is my dear friend... I've never met her.

Moira:I have definitive information about the premiere.

Moira:It will either happen, or it won't.

Alexis:Wait, so this dress is $3,700? For this price, it must be like, majorly discounted, right?

Moira:Alexis, this is off the rack.

Alexis:Off the rack?

Moira:Yes. Which means it's a tragedy we're all going to have to learn to live with.

Moira:I found this dress at an estate sale, and I got it for half price because I discovered a promo code online. She treats it like I've just split the atom.

Moira:The dress has quite a journey ahead of it. It could be stopped by customs, questioned about its origins, its intentions...

Alexis:Oh my God, that reminds me. One time I was trying to bring like, five macaws and a llama through customs in Peru, and the guy was like 'you can't do that,' and I was like 'okay, but what if I just told him they were emotional support animals?' And apparently that's not a legal defense when you're also wearing a fur coat made of... well, we don't need to get into that.

Alexis:So what do you think of my premiere look?

Moira:It's very... enthusiastic.

David:I'm going to see the cherry blossoms. It's a spiritual journey, really. A pilgrimage to witness nature's ephemeral beauty and reconnect with my inner self.

Patrick:You're going to look at flowers.

David:I'm going to *experience* flowers, Patrick. There's a difference.

David:I traveled to Japan to see the cherry blossoms in peak bloom. I arrived, assessed the situation, and left immediately because the timing was off.

Stevie:So you're telling me you've been stress-eating macarons for three days because you're worried the cherry blossoms won't be 'pink enough'?

David:They need to be a very specific shade of blush. It's not just pink, Stevie.

Stevie:Right. Because nature is definitely going to consult your mood board.

David:Why would we go to Elm Valley?

Stevie:...

Stevie:Because you said you wanted to go to Elm Valley.

David:She was accosted by a man with very aggressive cologne and a Members Only jacket.

Stevie:I wouldn't say accosted.

David:I'm not going to the gardens alone. What am I, a pervert?

David:You know what? I'm calling the police. This is kidnapping. You're going to prison, Stevie. I hope you like orange, because that's going to be your new signature color, and frankly, it does nothing for your complexion.

Ted:Is this decaf?

Alexis:Oh my god, yes. Totally decaf.

Alexis:Actually, no. I'm sorry, I completely forgot.

Alexis:Can I just have that back?

Alexis:Shannon's been looking so old lately.

Ted:Well, she's the same age as me, so...

Alexis:She just has this, like, really confident assertion that disliking her is always the other person's fault.

Alexis:Oh my God, you did it! You got the girl! Look at you, little Ted, all grown up and making moves.

Alexis:Wait, so you're telling me you've never actually been in a real relationship? Like, ever?

Ted:Well, I mean, there was that time in high school—

Alexis:Oh my God. Okay, I'm literally going to need to create a medical file for you. 'Theodore... P... Rose.' No, wait—'Theodore... M... Rose.' You need a middle initial that sounds serious. Something that screams 'emotional damage.'

Ted:I'm actually a doctor.

Alexis:Well, I'm a doctor too.

Ted:No, you're not.

Roland:I got some good news for you. I found an excuse to spend money.

Johnny:That's not good news, Roland.

Roland:His mock-Spanish nickname 'El Tightwad'

Moira:This humidity is absolutely suffocating. I feel like I'm being vaginally consumed by the atmosphere.

Roland:That's not honeysuckle, that's Johnny's aftershave.

Johnny:Oh, I'm sorry.

David:When was Emir supposed to arrive?

Stevie:He was supposed to be here three hours ago.

David:Three hours? Where is he?

Stevie:I don't know. He's not answering his phone.

David:Well, this is awkward.

Stevie:Yeah, well, I'm used to people not showing up for me.

Stevie:Well, I guess I deserved that. I'm not exactly a catch. I'm difficult, I'm weird, I have the personality of a wet blanket, and I smell like old pennies.

David:I'll get the first round of drinks.

Stevie:You'll be buying all of them. As penance.

Alexis:So Shannon, I've been thinking a lot about female empowerment lately.

Alexis:Like, we need to support each other as women, you know?

Shannon:That's... really great, Alexis.

Alexis:Yeah, so I was thinking we could like, burn our bras together or something?

Alexis:I mean, not literally burn them. These are all designer.

Alexis:Maybe we could just like, donate them to a cause? Or take a photo pretending we're burning them?

Alexis:So Ted told me about you two, and... *makes exaggerated kissing sounds* ...that's what he said it was like.

Alexis:So, uh, Ted and Shannon just... you know, got together last night.

Alexis:I mean, he really... put his deposit in her account, if you know what I mean.

Ted:Alexis, I think we should keep our conversations workplace appropriate.

Alexis:Oh my god, Ted, it was just a comment about my weekend.

Ted:Yes, well, the details about your hot stone massage and the 'very flexible' massage therapist are probably better suited for lunch conversation.

Alexis:I mean, he was really going at it, you know? Like, just completely—

Ted:Alexis, I think we should probably keep this conversation out of the office.

Alexis:Oh my god, Ted, it's not that bad.

Ted:It's just... there are professional boundaries we need to maintain here.

Roland:LOL

Johnny:I'm watching a beginner's woodworking video and the man is moving far too quickly. I cannot keep up.

Johnny:He's already moved on to the next step and I'm still trying to understand what a 'miter' is.

Johnny:This is a beginner's video, David. If I cannot understand a beginner's video, what does that make me?

Roland:That's quite the vehicle you got there, Johnny. Must've cost you a pretty penny.

Johnny:Well, it's a classic. They don't make them like this anymore.

Roland:Oh, so you're bragging about how old it is now? That's what we're doing?

David:Well, that was... surprisingly competent for someone who appears to be actively dying.

Emir:I couldn't call you because after the accident, we somehow ended up with each other's phones.

Emir:I've been trying to figure out why my phone kept getting calls from people asking for someone named David all day.

David:I'm... uh... David... Rosé. No, wait. Rosé David. I mean— my name is David Rosé-David. It's a hyphenated thing.

Johnny:Moira, can we talk for a second?

Moira:If this is about the dehumidifier, I have already lodged a formal complaint with the manufacturer, the Better Business Bureau, and God.

Johnny:Moira, we need to talk about our finances. We're hemorrhaging money.

Moira:Well, I found this divine Valentino at an estate sale. Only twelve thousand dollars.

Johnny:Twelve thousand— Moira, did you hear what I just said? We're going broke.

Moira:Yes, darling, which is exactly why I need something to lift my spirits. It's a investment in my mental health.

Moira:Well, if Alexis is expanding her home office, she needs to be aware that ink cartridges are surprisingly expensive. I once spent $847 on printer ink in a single month.

Alexis:Mom, that's insane. I don't even print anything.

Moira:Well, that was before I realized I could just not print things. Game changer.

Moira:Well, Johnny, this dress is an investment in the family's morale. When I look this fabulous, everyone's mood elevates by at least forty percent. I'm essentially a mood ring, except I'm a dress, and I cost significantly more.

Ted:This isn't really relevant, but I did get an email from someone named David...

Alexis:Oh my God, that's my brother.

Ted:I wanted to reach out and say that I fal-awful about how things ended between us.

Ted:Well, I tried the falafel at that new place, and it was absolutely fal-awful.

Ted:She just texted me back 'ok cool.' That's it. 'Ok cool.'

Alexis:Wow. That's... really casual.

Ted:I know! And then she asked me to notarize some documents for her business.

Alexis:Wait, after she dumped you?

Ted:Yes.

Alexis:And you did it?

Ted:Well, yes.

Alexis:I just... I think you're really special, Ted. You make me feel things I've never felt before. You're kind and thoughtful and you actually care about me. I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone, and I just wanted you to know that you mean so much to me, and—

Alexis:Also, you have a really great ass.

Alexis:I want Ted. I want to be with him. I want to wake up next to him every morning for the rest of my life.

Alexis:Also, his calves are insane.

David:I'm staying. I've spent the last twenty minutes building a rapport with this crowd, and I'm not going to throw that away just because you want to leave.

David:Oh, well in that case, could you also cover my minibar, my spa services, my dry cleaning, and any incidental charges?

Emir:No, no. Just the room.

David:Just the room.

David:So everything is covered?

Emir:The mini-bar, yes.

David:Oh, I thought you meant—

Emir:Just the mini-bar. Not the full room service.

David:Oh. Well, that's going to be a problem because I may have already consumed the entire mini-bar.

David:Do you have any idea what time it is? I've been listening to you people stomp around like a herd of wildebeest for the past three hours. I have a headache, I'm exhausted, and I've had exactly four glasses of wine.

David:Four.

Moira:I'd like to return this dress. And I'm going to need both a mental and a physical documentation of this moment, because it may never happen again.

Alexis:Mom, why are you wearing those shoes?

Moira:Because I like them.

Alexis:But they're so...

Moira:Ugly? Yes. That's the point.