The Plant

Alexis:Look, I know the motel isn't exactly the Four Seasons, but no offense, it's really more of a... a two-star situation.

Johnny:All guests are very important.

Alexis:That's cute.

Roland:I'll invite the blogger over for dinner. We'll do it at my place.

Roland:I'm thinking we start with some nice appetizers, maybe some shrimp.

Roland:Then a proper main course. Something with a bit of class.

Roland:And we'll need good wine. Not the cheap stuff.

Roland:Actually, nothing cheap. Nothing cheap at all.

Alexis:Well, I actually have experience with this. I once hired a man to pretend to be my boyfriend at my parents' anniversary party, and he turned out to be a method actor who wouldn't break character for three weeks.

Alexis:You could be the plant.

Stevie:What?

Alexis:You know, you're very still, and you don't really talk much, and you have a really nice, like, cool, calm energy. You're basically a plant.

Stevie:I did.

Johnny:I am the manager.

Ray:Knock knock.

Patrick:You have to actually knock on the door.

Ray:Which door would you prefer I use to exit?

David:Ray, that knock knock joke was terrible.

Patrick:Well, I've got a lock lock joke for you.

David:A lock lock joke? What is that?

Patrick:Lock lock. Who's there? Lock. Lock who? Lock the door, I'm coming in.

David:Jesus Christ!

Patrick:You ordered four pancakes? David, you weigh like 140 pounds.

David:Well, I'm very metabolically efficient.

Patrick:You're not efficient. You're just small.

Patrick:That's it. I'm moving out.

David:What? Why?

Patrick:Because Ray keeps interrupting us. Every single time we try to have a private moment, there he is.

David:Patrick, you can't move out over Ray.

Patrick:Watch me.

Ray:Oh, we have eggs. They might be from last year, but we have them.

Moira:I was in Bosnia and I had the most transcendent experience. I expired pleased.

Ronnie:I don't know what you want from me. I've told you everything about Bosnia. I was there for three weeks in '94. I got shot at twice, I stepped on a land mine, lost my pinky toe, and I still don't talk about it.

Jocelyn:I'm only seven minutes late!

Moira:Well, we couldn't wait. We were famished.

Jocelyn:Seven minutes! That's practically on time!

Jocelyn:I have to be at rehearsal. We're doing a Nine Inch Nails tribute show at the yarn store.

Moira:I have an extensive background in the arts, Jocelyn. I've trained under some of the most exacting directors in the world. I think I'm more than qualified to take over your little... duties.

Twyla:I was singing along the whole time.

Jocelyn:Really?

Twyla:Well, no one could hear me, but I was doing it.

Jocelyn:I prefer to think of it as a duet.

Jocelyn:The baby's been up since 4 AM. I haven't slept in three days. I love her so much, but honestly? I'm losing my mind. I looked in the mirror this morning and didn't recognize myself. I think I'm having a breakdown.

Roland:It's pronounced 'Guest Services Liaison,' not 'Guest Services Liaison.' The emphasis is on the first syllable.

Johnny:Coffee and pastries?

Emir:I've eaten worse. Last week I had mold for breakfast.

Roland:Voulez-vous come this way?

Stevie:Well, I did a lot of things in prison that I'm not proud of.

Emir:Emir mentions 'black mould for breakfast' at his last motel as a casual benchmark being exceeded by coffee and pastries

Stevie:Oh my God, what happened? Did she disappear?

Emir:No, we got divorced.

Stevie:Oh, okay. That's less interesting.

Alexis:Oh, so you're telling me that looking at apartments is harder than the time I met Beyoncé at a Juicy Couture launch?

Alexis:Well, I mean, based on your dating history, I'm not sure anyone else did either.

Alexis:I know what you're thinking.

David:Oh, do you?

Alexis:Yes. You think I told someone about your skincare routine, and now they're going to steal your clients, and you're going to end up alone and friendless, living in a box by the river.

David:...I was thinking about lunch.

Alexis:Well, now you will be.

Moira:With teeth like stars and eyes like fire, I will devour your broken desire.

Moira:I am the night, I am the pain, washing your weakness down the drain.

Moira:Well, that particular vessel has not only left port, it has been swallowed whole by a kraken of my own making.

Jocelyn:Oh my God, I just realized I left my baby with a complete stranger.

Jocelyn:I don't even know her last name!

Jocelyn:You know what? I am so tired of all of you! You're all a bunch of... of... b-b-bitches! No, wait. You're all a bunch of... of... witches! No, that's not right either. You're all a bunch of... of... DIFFICULT PEOPLE!

Moira:Well, that was unpleasant.

Johnny:So you're the manager?

Roland:Well, I like to think of myself as more of a liaison between the town and the business community.

Johnny:A liaison?

Roland:Yeah, well, technically I'm the manager, but liaison sounds better.

Stevie:I need forty dollars.

Johnny:Forty dollars? What could possibly cost forty dollars?

Stevie:A lot of things cost forty dollars.

Johnny:Not in my experience.

Stevie:Well, I'm also going to need shampoo.

Emir:You know, I've been reading about body lice. Fascinating creatures, really. Very adaptable.

Stevie:Why are you telling me this while we're eating?

Emir:They can survive for up to 30 days without a host. Remarkable resilience.

Stevie:Yeah, nothing says 'romantic dinner' like a conversation about body lice.

Stevie:I'm modest.

David:Are you though?

Stevie:I'm, um... I'm actually here visiting a friend. In the... neighboring town. For... business reasons.

Stevie:Yeah, well, I don't know what's genuine either, so...

Stevie:Okay, I have to tell you something. I feel terrible about this.

Emir:What is it?

Stevie:I'm a plant. I was sent here to spy on you.

Emir:You're a... plant?

Stevie:Yes. I know how it sounds.

Emir:Wow, you really are a plant. You just admitted it immediately.

Stevie:I should go.

Emir:You're a con artist! Stay.

Jocelyn:And then she just digs her thumbs right into my shoulders like she's trying to find loose change in a couch! And I'm paying her for this! I'm paying good money to be hurt!

Jocelyn:And don't even get me started on her 'healing energy' — there's nothing healing about someone pressing on your spine like they're trying to start a lawnmower!

Jocelyn:RONNIE THINKS SHE'S SOME KIND OF MYSTICAL HEALER BUT SHE'S JUST A WOMAN WITH STRONG HANDS AND NO CONCEPT OF THE WORD 'GENTLE'!

Jocelyn:And Moira, your stories... they never have a point. They just go on and on, and we're all just sitting there waiting for the punchline that never comes. It's exhausting.

Ray:I should mention, the commission on this place is going to be quite substantial.

David:How substantial?

Ray:Well, let's just say I'm going to be able to finally afford that back molar I've been eyeing.

David:Is this really a one-bedroom?

Ray:Well, it has one bedroom. It also has a living room, a kitchen, and a bathroom, so technically it's a four-bedroom.

Ray:Well, we do have a walk-in closet.

David:Great.

Ray:It's more of a walk-through.

Roland:Instead of a chocolate on the pillow, we leave a pot roast.

David:This is the kitchen. We have a four-burner stove, a microwave, and a half-sized refrigerator that I'm pretty sure is actively working against us. And this is the living room slash bedroom slash... I don't know what this is. It's a room. With a window that doesn't open and a radiator that sounds like it's dying. Which, honestly, I relate to.

David:This is the master bedroom, which, as you can see, is very... small. And this is the ensuite bathroom, which is even smaller. And this is the closet, which is essentially a wall. So, you know, really, it's more of a suggestion than an actual room.

Ray Butabi:You won't have to worry about doors anymore.

David Rose:What does that mean?

Ray Butabi:Well, the bathroom door broke, so now it's just a curtain.

Ray:Do you prefer your door open or closed?

David:Closed.

Ray:Well, that's not going to work for me.

David:If we can't agree on closet space, how are we going to agree on anything else? This is how relationships end. Not with a bang, but with a lack of adequate storage.

Patrick:So you're saying you don't want to move in together?

David:No, I want to move in with you. I just need to know about the closet situation.

Patrick:The closet situation?

David:Yes. I have a lot of clothes, Patrick. A lot. And I need to know that there will be adequate space for my wardrobe.

Ray:I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, and I just want you to know that I'm available if you need someone to talk to. Also, if privacy is a concern, I can remove the door.

Stevie:Charming? It's a motel. That's like calling a gas station convenient. Yeah, it's convenient, but that doesn't mean you want to spend your Saturday night there.

Alexis:Wait, so he was like, fluffing your pillow with pot roast?

Alexis:I need to experience that. That sounds amazing.

Patrick · David · Ray:Patrick tours the apartment enthusiastically: 'Oh wow. It's good, eh, David?' David: 'I thought this was the penthouse.' Ray: 'Uh, it is the top floor of three floors.'

Ray:Ray: 'It is, in the sense that it's a one-bed room.'

Ray:Ray: 'Any more beds, and you'd be in trouble. Although bunk beds can be fun.'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'It's pretty perfect, huh?' David's response: 'Yeah, it's pretty.' — then a long pause

Roland:Roland has left a 'doggie bag of pot roast on your pillow' as the turndown service for Emir

Emir · Roland · Johnny:Emir asks Roland ('Ro-lahnd') to make a dinner reservation — and to make it for 'Ms. Felmington' — then asks Johnny to get tea for 'Ms. Felmington'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny tells Roland where to find the tea — 'Ro-lahnd' — and Roland replies 'Right' while the two of them navigate the charade

Stevie · Johnny:Stevie: 'I'm really tired, can this wait?' — to Johnny wanting to debrief after the lunch. Then she dismisses him: 'Thanks.'

David:David describes the apartment search as being like 'House Hunters' — always needing to see the loft, the English cottage, and 'the renovated craftsman that you don't really wanna take, but the producers are gonna force you to see anyway'

David:David: 'How are we still on this fucking tour?!'

Ray:Ray reveals the final selling point: 'No more worrying about door open, door closed. All you have to do is open the curtain... to the bathroom!'

Ray:Ray offers to wait in the bathroom while David and Patrick have a moment — then: 'Curtain open, or curtain closed?'

David · Patrick · Ray:David: 'Oh, closed!' Patrick simultaneously: 'Closed, I think.' Ray: 'Mhmm.' Then: 'Don't worry, we'll be putting a door on there.'

David:David: 'I don't know if I wanna put a door on the bathroom! I don't know if I love this place. And I'm not just saying that because the lack of closet space will inevitably force us to break up.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'It's just that I was looking at this place like... just for me.'

Patrick:Patrick reveals the apartment was 'just for me' — a 'general we' because David would be 'staying over quite a bit'

David:David, having been told it's Patrick's apartment: 'I think it's cute.' — a complete reversal of his earlier 'I don't know if I love this place'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'Wait, does this mean you were ready to move in with me?' David: 'No.' Patrick: 'No?' David: 'No, it's a closet space, and a timing thing.'

Ray:Ray from inside the bathroom: 'I can barely hear your conversation.' — then: 'Are we sure we want the door?'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis shows the group the Rosebud Motel review. Johnny, reading aloud: 'In fact, Johnny Rose and his Guest Services Manager will go almost too far out of their way to ensure a pleasant stay.' Alexis: 'How do I sign up for this turndown service? Is there a clipboard or something?'

Johnny:Johnny reads: 'Compared to what, a haunted house?' — reacting to 'lovingly restored roadside motel'

Johnny:The review says the motel 'will go almost too far out of their way' — the 'almost too far' qualifying Roland's pot roast turndown service as just barely acceptable