Motel Review

Moira:Yes, because nothing says 'sophisticated consumer' like a beer cozy with your company logo on it.

Moira:Oh yes, because this mahogany is so precious, we must protect it at all costs.

Johnny:I've been doing some research on this whole social media thing. Very cutting edge. I'm going to start a Twitter account on Facebook.

David:Those are two different platforms, Dad.

Johnny:Well, they're all the same thing, aren't they? It's all just... the computer talking.

Moira:Oh, David, how impressive. You've mastered the internet. Next, you'll be telling me you know how to use a telephone.

David:Dad, there's no address on these coasters.

Johnny:Well, people know where the Rose Apothecary is.

David:Do they?

Johnny:If they're looking for us, they'll find us. And if they're not looking for us, what do they need the address for?

Johnny:What exactly is this 'hashtag' everyone keeps referring to? Is it some sort of numerical symbol?

David:Dad, it's the pound sign. You use it to categorize posts on social media.

Johnny:Categorize? Like filing? Why would anyone file anything on the internet? That's what filing cabinets are for.

Moira:It helps people find your content, Johnny.

Johnny:But nobody knows where I live. How would they find anything? This is precisely why I've never understood the internet.

Stevie:I could really use some help with the check-ins. It's been crazy.

Moira:Oh, darling, I would love to help, but I'm in the middle of something very important right now.

Stevie:What are you doing?

Moira:I'm deciding which of my wigs to wear tomorrow. It's quite time-consuming.

Moira:Well, I appreciate the offer, but I think front desk work is a bit pedestrian for someone of my theatrical acumen. Perhaps my daughter could benefit from such an... administrative endeavor?

David:Mom, no.

Moira:I'm simply suggesting that David has always possessed an affinity for organizational minutiae, whereas I was meant for more... scintillating pursuits.

Moira:Well, if that's what's required of me, then I shall rise to the occasion. I will change those sheets with the grace and dignity of a woman preparing a royal bedchamber. Consider it done.

Teacher:Do you know why we need to talk?

Alexis:If this is about me using the school printer to make headshots, I was going to pay for that.

Teacher:These parts sound like they were written by someone else.

Alexis:Thank you! I worked really hard on them.

Teacher:Did you write this paper yourself?

Alexis:No, I didn't write it myself. I had someone else do it for me.

Teacher:I knew it! This is plagiarism!

Alexis:No, wait. I paid my friend David to write it, and he's terrible at school. So if anyone was going to plagiarize, it would be him, and he wouldn't even know how to do that properly.

Teacher:Your essay demonstrates a sophisticated understanding of 'sesquipedalian' vocabulary.

Alexis:Thank you.

Teacher:You also use the word 'obfuscate' quite effectively.

Alexis:Oh-bus-kate? I think you're saying it wrong.

Alexis:I didn't plagiarize. I just... borrowed some words without citing them.

Alexis:But honestly, the bigger issue is that the font they used in the accusation letter was absolutely tragic. Like, Comic Sans? Really?

David:Patrick bought the General Store.

Patrick:I didn't buy it. I'm just managing it.

David:I'm oscillating between two business names.

Patrick:Oscillating.

Patrick:It's like you showed up to the game, but you didn't know what sport you were playing.

David:I don't know what any of that means.

Patrick · David:David Rose, you bought the General Store. / Leased.

David:I'm creating a curated, luxury lifestyle brand experience that leverages artisanal synergies and disrupts the traditional paradigm of retail aesthetics through a hyper-localized, bespoke curation model.

David:It's not a store. It's a destination for the discerning consumer who understands that commerce is merely a vehicle for aspirational self-actualization.

David:I prefer to think of myself as a purveyor of luxury goods and services with a focus on experiential curation and lifestyle optimization.

Patrick:You sell things.

Patrick:It's a change-up.

David:Is that a tennis thing?

Guest:Hi, I'd like to check in.

Moira:Oh! Yes, of course. I'm so sorry, I was just... Well, this is highly irregular.

Guest:What is?

Moira:Being asked to check someone in. At a hotel. Where I work.

Moira:I'm afraid I don't have the bandwidth to process gratuities at this juncture.

Moira:You want the cot for company?

Guest:No, I need it because I can't sleep on a mattress that's been slept on by more than three people. And I have to know their names.

David Rose:I've organized my closet by color, fabric weight, and occasion. Each item has been catalogued and cross-referenced.

Patrick Brewer:David, you've reorganized it three times this week.

David Rose:Yes, and I've found inefficiencies each time. I'm now implementing a numerical filing system for shoes based on heel height and seasonal appropriateness.

Patrick Brewer:That's... a lot.

David Rose:It's not a lot, it's a system. A perfect system. Which I will inevitably find flaws in and have to rebuild completely.

Guest:Well, I don't know. Where do you usually put your clothes?

Moira:On the bed.

Guest:Both beds?

Moira:One bed for sleeping, one bed for clothes.

Guest:And how do you decide which is which?

Moira:Well, down is obviously the most luxurious. Though I've also heard wonderful things about memory foam, which I assume is foam that remembers being a tree.

Moira:Or was it a cloud? No matter. The point is, I have seventeen pillows on my bed, and I couldn't tell you what a single one of them is filled with.

Moira:Look, I don't know what you want from me. I've smiled, I've nodded, I've even pretended to care about your extensive skincare routine. But my benevolence has limits, and frankly, you've exhausted them.

Alexis:So my teacher said I was 'a little scattered.' And I was like, okay, that's fine. But then I kept thinking about it, and I was like, 'Wait, did she just call me scattered?' And then I told David, and he was like, 'Yeah, that's bad.' And then I told you, and you were like, 'That's really bad.' And now I'm convinced she called me a complete airhead.

Alexis:The president's duplicitousness... duplic... duplicitousity... and his untoward... un-toward... behavior was simply un-towardly.

Johnny:I may have overstepped by making those suggestions, but I was only trying to help. And frankly, I think my input was quite valuable.

Alexis:Dad, it was plagiarized.

Johnny:Yes, well, the plagiarism was all you. My contributions were entirely original.

David:This meeting was a complete waste of my time.

Stevie:A meeting... was a waste of time.

Stevie:David, that's not what happened at all.

David:Well, I... that's exactly what happened. You're rewriting history. I was clearly the victim in that situation.

Stevie:You literally started it.

David:I started it defensively. There's a difference. And frankly, the fact that you're not acknowledging my emotional labor in this is very hurtful.

Stevie:Look, David, you're going to be fine. Your business is going to be fine. I'm not great at this stuff, but I'm telling you, it's going to work out.

David:I'm going into this meeting completely unprepared. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just going to... wing it.

Patrick:That's not a strategy.

David:Well, I'm just going to go in there, and I'm going to take it... however they want to give it to me.

Patrick:Hi David, it's Patrick. I just wanted to follow up on our meeting today. I think we got off on the wrong foot, and I'd really like to start fresh. So, uh, call me back when you get a chance, Derek.

Patrick:Hi, you've reached Patrick Brewer. I'm currently unavailable, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you at your earliest convenience.

Patrick:Wait, 'at your earliest convenience'? That sounds pretentious. No, that's professional. Is that pretentious? It's professional.

Patrick:Oh my God. Oh my God, I just realized I called him Steven.

Patrick:His name is David. David Rose.

Patrick:I'm going to call him back and leave another message. That'll fix it.

Patrick:Hi David, it's Patrick. I was just calling to see if you wanted to grab lunch tomorrow. Call me back.

Patrick:Hey David, Patrick again. So about that lunch, I was thinking maybe that new place downtown? Unless you don't like downtown. I like downtown, but I know some people don't. Anyway, let me know.

Patrick:David, hi, it's Patrick. I'm not sure if you got my last message. My phone's been acting weird. It keeps cutting me off mid-sentence, which is probably why my last voicemail was so long and rambling. Technology, am I right? Anyway, call me back.

Moira:Well, I was stationed at the front desk like a decorated general surveying her troops. Every guest who walked through that door was an enemy combatant that I had to either charm into submission or redirect to their barracks. I wore my blazer like it was combat armor, and my hair? Fully fortified. By the end of my shift, I had conquered the lobby, secured the perimeter, and left no customer unturned.

Moira:Brisk? I was absolutely charming. I complimented her shoes, I asked about her family, I even offered her a beverage.

Johnny:You told her the shoes looked like orthopedic clown wear.

Moira:Well, that's what I call being honest about fashion, which is a service, really.

Johnny:Perfect description of Moira's theatrical appearance and speech

Moira:Well, it says here that I was an intimidating woman with an unrecognizable accent.

Moira:I don't know what they mean by unrecognizable. It's clearly a very distinct and carefully curated blend of world influences.

Moira:Oh my God. This is about me.

Moira:Well, I don't know what you're talking about. I thought it was a rave.

Moira:I shall apologize to them in person. Face-to-face accountability — it's the only civilized way.

David:Mom, they're upset because you said their appetizers looked like they came from a gas station.

Moira:Precisely. Which is why I must look them in the eye and tell them I was wrong about which gas station.

Patrick:I shared those voicemails publicly.

Patrick:I didn't share those voicemails publicly.

Patrick:I didn't share your voicemails with anyone. I would never do that to you.

David:Really?

Patrick:Well, except for the one time I accidentally sent your crying voicemail to the entire office email chain instead of just my boss.

Patrick:You know, when you first told me you were going to call it 'Rose Apothecary,' I thought it was a bit pretentious.

David:And?

Patrick:And I was wrong. It's the perfect amount of pretentious.

Patrick:It's a really good name. It's classy, it's elegant, it's sophisticated... which, honestly, I wasn't sure you could pull off.

David:Thank you?

Patrick:Rose Apothecary? That's a bit pretentious, isn't it?

David:Pretentious? No. Ambitious? Yes. Pretentious? No.

Johnny:I'm sorry for interfering with your paper. I should have let you handle it.

Alexis:Oh my god, Dad, it's fine. Honestly, I was going to have someone write it for me anyway.

Alexis:Why didn't you help me cheat before?

Johnny:Because I'm a terrible father.

Johnny:I'm not helping her cheat. I'm just... clarifying the assignment.

Alexis:Dad, that's helping her cheat.

Johnny:Alexis, you said 'me and him went to the store.' It should be 'he and I went to the store.'

Alexis:Oh my God, okay, well, he and I went to the store.

Johnny:That's better. Though, I have to say, you look absolutely radiant today.

Alexis:Thank you! That's so sweet.

Johnny:It's 'that's so kind,' not 'sweet.' Well, actually, it could be sweet, but in this context—

Alexis:Dad, I'm literally just trying to receive a compliment.

Johnny:Yes, and you're receiving it beautifully. Though, grammatically speaking, you should say 'I am receiving it,' not 'I'm receiving it.'

Alexis:Can we just not do this right now?

Guest:This vending machine is broken. I put in my money and I got exactly what I selected.

Moira:I'm going to be honest with you. My mother was a trapeze artist who fell in love with a Sicilian count. They had a torrid affair in Monte Carlo, but it was doomed from the start because he was already married... to the sea.

Moira:Well, my character's husband was actually her uncle. But then it turned out he was involved in a Ponzi scheme. And money laundering. And he may have been a serial arsonist.

David:Mom, that's not a backstory, that's a felony.

Moira:It was very compelling television, David.

Moira:So I told him, 'Darling, not only am I pregnant with your love child, but I've also been secretly arson-adjacent for the past three seasons.'

Moira:A cartel is threatening us? Well, I suppose that's one way to finally get some attention around here. Though I must say, if they're going to go through all the trouble of threatening our lives, the least they could do is have the decency to use proper punctuation in their threatening letters. The grammar alone is a crime against humanity.

Moira:I work for nothing at this motel because my family means everything to me. Well, that and the fact that I have no other job prospects, no marketable skills, and this is literally the only place that would hire me.

Johnny:Well, I may have made a small contribution to that paper.

Jocelyn:Oh really? What did you do?

Johnny:I... I suggested she use a semicolon instead of a comma in the opening paragraph.

Alexis:Dad, you didn't even read it.

Johnny:Well, not the whole thing, but that semicolon? That was all me.

Jocelyn:Your thesis completely undermines your own family's retail business.

Moira:Johnny, these coasters are absolutely divine, but why does it say 'Send noods'?

Johnny:What? No, it says 'Send nudes.' That's what people say online.

Moira:Well, it's printed on coasters for the Rose Apothecary. Customers are going to think we're running some sort of... nude delivery service.

Johnny:It's social media, Mother. It's ironic.

Moira:Yes, well, the only thing ironic here is that you're the one who insisted on doing the marketing.

Moira:Well, I think it's lovely that you're developing a spiritual following. Very Eckhart Tolle.

Patrick:Actually, I played them for a few friends of mine, I was at a birthday party, so there were a lot of people weighing in.

Patrick:Just kidding, I didn't play them for anybody. I thought the first few were very humorous, David, and then I lost interest.

Patrick:I may have played them here on speaker phone.

Patrick · David:'Rose Apothecary,' you know, it's just pretentious enough. / Would we call that pretentious, or... timeless?

Patrick:And hey, if I don't get a hold of you, I'll just uh, leave a message.

David:Ciao! [David says ciao leaving the office]

Alexis:Why couldn't you have helped me cheat in private school, like everyone else's parents?!

Johnny:Because I wasn't around to help you cheat back then, and I regret it! The not being around, I mean.

Johnny · Alexis:Although... I don't really consider it cheating. / Mmm. okay, well, it is. / It is, but is it... really plagiarism to take something your dad wrote, and put it in your paper, and claim it as your own?

Johnny:And I may have underestimated you before, but that is certainly... not the case now.

Johnny · Alexis:And you know why, honey? Because you're better... 'than' that. / Thank you. / N-No, you're better... 'than' that. / Okay, I'm better then that. / Not better then that, better... than that. / Okay, I don't know what you're talking about right now!

Johnny · Alexis:All right, well if you don't want my help, 'than' I guess I'll leave. / Okay, thank you! / Okay, I'll see you later... 'than.'

Guest · Moira:The drinks out of this machine are very cold. / Oh, good. / Too cold. / When I hold them, they sting my hands. / We'll have to find you some mittens.

Guest · Moira:I'm quite prone to frostbite. / I know you wrote that review.

Moira:My daughter married a man who turned out to be her uncle. / I'm sorry? / The lowlife uncle she believed to have been executed years before by the Indian cartel.

Moira:This is all on my ex-husband's side, I'm good people, and so's my daughter.

Moira · Guest:When the Bangalores finally found Dagger, and gave him what he deserved, they threatened to burn down the motel, and leave my pregnant baby penniless. / This motel?

Moira:When people ask me, why do you work here for nothing? I tell them, this is my flesh and blood! I do this for her! Nothing! She is my everything!

Guest · Moira:Okay, wow, I had no idea. I can take down that review. / Oh, I... / I'll take it down.

David:I would love to read this economics paper.

Jocelyn:I will admit that your thesis of 'why shop in store when you can buy online' was a little off-topic, but still a really fresh take.

Moira · Jocelyn:Well, look at you, Alexis, acing your paper! / Oh, no, no, God no. I gave her a solid C plus.

Johnny:Oh, so she did write it herself.

Jocelyn · Moira:It was a noticeable improvement over the first paper. / Um well, I should hope so! / Well, m-maybe not a noticeable improvement, but um, a different improvement.

Johnny:No, no, this one was definitely better. Because no one helped her write it.

Alexis:'Follow us on tweeters!'

Alexis · Moira:Tweeters! / We're going to get lots of disciples, dear.