General Store

David:This is it. This is the moment. Years from now, people will ask you where you were on this day.

Alexis:It's high school, David.

David:Exactly. You're going to remember this forever. The outfit you're wearing, the car we're in, the way I'm gripping this steering wheel.

Moira:David, just pull up to the curb.

David:This isn't just a drop-off, Mother. This is a historical event.

Moira:I had the most harrowing nightmare about being bullied in high school.

Johnny:Well, you were homeschooled.

Moira:Exactly. By a very cruel tutor.

David:I was bullied in high school and I didn't even realize it.

David:You know, you're actually really brave. I'm proud of you.

Alexis:Okay, well, that's just your emotional avoidance talking, so...

David:This is tragic. I mean, the store closing is one thing, but finding out that Stevie's been using drugstore brand moisturizer this whole time? That's the real tragedy.

Stevie:Fungal.

David:Ugh, why would you say that?

Stevie:Fungal.

David:I don't understand why you keep using that word.

Stevie:Which word?

David:That one. It's vulgar and unnecessary.

Stevie:Vulgar and unnecessary.

David:So what you're telling me is that someone actually looked at this layout, these fixtures, this color palette, and thought, 'Yes, this is exactly what we want'?

David:Because I'm fairly certain a blindfolded person with no retail experience could have made better choices.

David:I'm trying to read your expression, but your eyebrows aren't moving.

Stevie:They are moving.

David:No, they're not. They're completely frozen. It's like looking at a beautiful, emotionless statue.

David:I'm quite confident about this business idea. I think it's going to be very successful.

Stevie:That's great. It's nice to see you have so much faith in something that will inevitably fail.

Alexis:Well, I was supposed to graduate, but then my parents got me a Range Rover for my sweet sixteen, and I kind of just... stopped going. Plus, I had a really important internship at a boutique in the Hamptons, and then my boyfriend at the time was being weird, so I went to Turks and Caicos. And then I got really into pilates, which was basically a full-time job. Oh, and I was diagnosed with Lyme disease, or at least I thought I was—my acupuncturist wasn't entirely clear. Anyway, by junior year I was pretty much done with the whole thing.

Alexis:Oh my God, hi! So I know I'm new here, but I just want you guys to know that I'm not like other girls. I have a very unique energy.

Alexis:Like, I've been to Paris. Multiple times. And I'm really good at social media, so if any of you need tips on your aesthetic or whatever, I'm basically an expert.

Alexis:Also, I just realized you probably all want to be my friend now, which is totally fine. I can only handle like, a few close friends though, because I require a lot of attention.

Johnny:A continental breakfast is a light breakfast, typically consisting of pastries, cold cuts, cheese, fruit...

Ivan:No fruit.

Johnny:So you do make coffee?

Ivan:I make coffee. I don't share coffee.

Johnny:You make coffee that you don't share?

Ivan:That's correct.

Johnny:Ivan, we need to think bigger. Expand your customer base, maybe open another location.

Ivan:No.

Roland:It's Christmas World. It's a Christmas-themed amusement park.

Moira:Yes, but what is it?

Roland:It's a Christmas-themed amusement park, Moira.

Moira:I understand the words you're saying individually, but together they make no sense to me.

Ronnie:This place is a nightmare. It's like someone threw up Christmas all over a warehouse.

Ronnie:And look at these working conditions. These elves can't be more than twelve years old.

Roland:Christmas is a juggernaut, folks. A commercial juggernaut. You can't stop it. You can't fight it. All you can do is get in front of it and try to make some money.

Roland:Look, those corporate boys, they're like Santa, right? They got their list, they're checking it twice. And if you end up on the naughty list, well, you're not getting your Christmas World.

David Rose:I'm trying to master traditional European baking techniques. My croissants need to be absolutely perfect.

Ivan:That's admirable. In my family, we've been baking the same recipes for generations.

David Rose:Well, I'm committed to honoring that heritage. No shortcuts, no compromise.

Ivan:So what's your secret ingredient?

David Rose:Pillsbury crescent rolls straight from the can.

Ivan:We have our duck à l'orange, or if you prefer, our duck à l'orange but the duck is angrier.

Ivan:Or perhaps our duck à l'orange where the duck knew what was coming and made peace with it.

Ivan:We also have a duck à l'orange where the orange is actually quite disappointed in the duck.

Ivan:I am a florist. I arrange things for a living. And right now, my words are like flowers that have wilted before I could even put them in a vase.

Johnny:These are my talking points about myself? 'I'm very clean'? 'I have a good sense of direction'? Ivan, these are things you say about a GPS with OCD.

Moira:David, darling, tell me about this wonderful work opportunity.

David:Well, it's... it's a position. In business.

Moira:Yes, but what sort of business?

David:The kind with... commerce. And people involved.

Moira:David.

David:Look, it's a chance to be part of something. Something that exists.

Moira:Oh, that's wonderful, David! A store! How... entrepreneurial of you.

Moira:Of course, you'll fail miserably and lose everything, but I admire the optimism.

Moira:The foot traffic is abysmal. The lighting is ghastly. And I'm fairly certain the store is haunted.

David:Mom, the store is not haunted.

Moira:David, I saw a spectre near the fitting room yesterday.

David:That was a customer.

Moira:A translucent customer? I think not. We're going to need an exorcist, not an accountant.

David:I'm starting my own business. A high-end retail store.

Moira:You're starting your own business? A high-end retail store?

David:Yes, I have a business plan and I'm very serious about it.

Moira:You have a business plan? You're very serious about it?

David:Mother, I know what I'm doing.

Moira:You know what you're doing?

Moira:I'm simply asking questions.

David:No, you're not. You're making statements and ending them with a question mark.

Ronnie:Silver Christmas trees are tacky. They look like aluminum foil someone forgot to crumple up.

Ronnie:My mother had one. You know what else she had? Three restraining orders and a drinking problem.

Ronnie:So yeah, silver trees are a sign of poor judgment. I'm living proof.

Moira:I didn't see the Christmas World label. I was operating under the assumption that I was voting for something called 'The Enchanted Forest of Yuletide Fantasies,' which, philosophically speaking, is a completely different entity. One cannot be held accountable for decisions made under false pretenses. Therefore, my vote is null and void, and I am, in fact, entitled to change it.

Roland:She said if I don't get my act together, she's not going to take me to Christmas World.

Roland:Christmas World, okay? Not the regular world. Christmas World.

Alexis:Actually, the French Revolution didn't happen in 1789. It happened in 1793. I know because I was dating this incredibly hot French guy named Pierre at the time, and he was very upset about the whole thing. He had the most amazing cheekbones.

Alexis:I dated a British royal once. That's actually where the nickname came from.

David:You dated royalty?

Alexis:Well, I mean, he said he was royalty. In retrospect, I think he was just British and rich.

Alexis:I got the nickname 'Marie' because I dated Prince Harry. It was very casual, we just hung out a few times.

Teacher:Class, does anyone know what led to Marie Antoinette's execution?

Jocelyn:She passed notes?

David:The aesthetic standards of this town have plummeted to an all-time low. It's like watching civilization crumble in real time.

Moira:You know, when you're a parent, you do things for your children even when you don't particularly enjoy them.

David:Well, that's not going to be an issue for me.

David:My gallery has been incredibly successful. I've built a real clientele through hard work and—

Moira:Yes, darling, about that. Your father and I may have purchased a few pieces.

David:A few pieces? Mother, how many?

Moira:Well, all of them, technically. But we did it out of love.

David:Wait, are you saying that my entire career was built on... on parental manipulation?

Patrick:I'm saying that your parents may have had more influence than you realized.

David:So everything I've accomplished, the gallery, the respect I've earned in this community... none of it was actually me?

David:Oh my God. I'm not a self-made man. I'm a... a manufactured product.

Ivan:I love a good romantic film. Scent of a Woman, Titanic, The Notebook...

Ivan:Actually, I prefer the working title: Smell of a Woman.

Ivan:Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Twyla:I don't know, why?

Ivan:Because he was outstanding in his field! Get it? Outstanding? In his field?

Twyla:Oh, yes, that's... that's a good one.

Ivan:Actually, no, wait. I got it wrong. He was outstanding because he was made of straw and straw is... flammable. So he was a fire hazard. That's why he won the award.

Twyla:...Oh.

Alexis:I think people find me intimidating. Like, I'm so put-together and successful that it's hard for them to relate to me.

David:Or maybe they just don't like you.

Alexis:No, it's definitely the intimidation thing.

Jocelyn:This note says, 'Alexis is the most beautiful and kind person in our entire school, and I think she should know that.'

Jocelyn:Why would you confiscate this?

Alexis:Oh my God, thank you so much! It's a vintage Valentino from 1994.

Student:It's gorgeous!

Alexis:I know, right? I actually borrowed it from Paris Hilton's closet when we were in the Hamptons together. Well, 'borrowed.' She doesn't know I have it yet.

David:My parents have subjected me to years of emotional abuse and neglect.

Stevie:Your mom gave you a cashmere sweater you didn't like.

Stevie:Wait, your parents are paying you to stay in the relationship?

David:What? No, I—

Stevie:Because I've been getting checks too, and I just assumed it was for tolerating you.

Moira:I have some wonderful news.

David:If you're about to tell me that you've decided to pursue a career in Christmas caroling, I'm going to need you to know that I have already mentally prepared a response, and it's not going to be pretty.

Moira:No, nothing like that. I've been offered a role in a production.

David:Oh. Well, congratulations. What's the role?

Moira:An elf.

David:I would make an excellent elf. I'm already bitter, I have no patience for Christmas, and I can fit into small spaces.

Moira:David, your eye for design is truly impeccable. You have such an innate sense of style and—

Moira:Of course, I taught you everything you know.

David:What does 'continental breakfast' even mean?

Johnny:Well, it's a breakfast that's served on a continent.

David:That's... that's not what that means.

Johnny:All breakfast is served on a continent, David. That's why they call it continental.

Johnny:It's called continental breakfast because it spans the continents.

Johnny:You've got your fruit from South America, your croissants from France, your yogurt from... the Balkans.

Johnny:It's a breakfast that travels. It's nomadic. It's very... sophisticated.

Johnny:Well, it didn't have stars, per se. It had a rating system that was more of a... a horizontal line, really.

Johnny:Well, I think we should be very proud of ourselves. We came here with nothing, and look at us now. We're eating continental breakfast buns.

David:Dad, that's not really an accomplishment.

Johnny:David, when we first arrived in this town, I was eating buns out of a garbage can. Now I'm eating them out of a basket. That's called growth.

Jocelyn:You know who else passed notes? This lady passed a lot of secret notes, and eventually was killed.

David · Moira:Oh hi, how are you? / Very busy. / How am I?! Terrific!

David:Aside from the fact that I caught wind that Christmas World was moving into the general store. Just when I thought that the taste levels in this town were already scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Moira · David:Never on your own, and never without a safety net. / I don't know how many times I have to thank you for the start-up money! But I opened those galleries myself. / And who do you think bought all that art, and sold out all your shows? / Uh, my patrons. / And who do you think bought all your patrons?

David:So you're telling me that my entire professional career was a sham?!

Ivan · Twyla:Ivan arrives at the café with cinnamon buns for Johnny and muffins for Twyla — then turns to Twyla and says 'Here's the muffins. Goodbye.'

Ivan:Mr. Rose, I blow it.

Ivan:I always watch romantic movies. 'Got Mail,' 'When Harry Met Sally,' 'Smell of Woman.'

Ivan · Twyla:what does dog say before the breakfast? / Bun appetite. / Bun... Bone appetit, I think it's a dog bone joke.

Johnny:I think uh a little quality control on this wouldn't hurt, huh?

Alexis:Hey, I think that we started out on the wrong foot. And like, I totally get it, there's a new girl in town, and that can be super intimidating, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm actually very approachable.

Jocelyn:Alexis is too pretty, and everyone's talking about the dress. So gorge.

Alexis:I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.

David · Patrick:I just find it extremely violating. / Because your parents threw money at you? / Yes! They paid for everything, it's like a form of child abuse.

Patrick:Don't quote me on this, but it seems like their intentions were good.

David:Who's to say?!

Patrick:Yeah, I mean, they do give me a small weekly stipend for hanging out with you, so...

David:And what's that, your friends at Christmas World are looking for a deeply embittered, mildly Hebraic-looking elf?!

Moira:I had a very effective strategy to change everyone's minds, that I ultimately didn't get to use, because Christmas World pulled out.

Moira:Why don't you channel some of that charming self-pity into a business plan, okay?

Moira:If there's anyone in this town who might have the eye to create something truly beautiful, it's you, David. And me, but in this case, you.

Johnny:There are cinnamon buns in the lobby!

Johnny · Alexis · Moira:The cinnamon buns are discovered to have been eaten by the family — they're supposed to be for guests

David · Johnny:What's continental about that? / It's for business travelers, travelling the continent, eating breakfast, and... continental travelling.

David:That doesn't sound even remotely correct.

Johnny:Well, it's European, Moira. So-okay, come on, seriously!

Moira:Well, I guess it would be wrong to serve the guests day-olds.

Johnny · David:You know this bun added a star to our rating? / How many did we have before? / Not the point!