Stop Saying Lice!

Johnny:I got an email from the school today.

Alexis:Oh my God, okay, before you say anything, it was totally consensual, and he said he'd never done anything like that before, so...

Alexis:I didn't call her horse-faced. I said she had a long face and smelled like a stable.

David:Oh my God, did you just say lice? You all keep saying lice like it's... like it's a casual thing! Lice! LICE?! This is a nightmare!

Alexis:Okay, so Kelsey and I aren't actually friends. She was just doing charity work. Apparently, she photographs people with lice for her portfolio.

Johnny:I have a very specific preference for fresh linens. Twice daily. It's not unusual for someone of my... standards.

Johnny:Your hair looks... remarkably neat today.

Moira:Thank you, I blow-dried it myself.

Johnny:Yes, well, it's very... compact. Tightly wound, if you will. Almost impressively... hygienic.

Moira:Why do you keep saying that?

Johnny:I'm just complimenting your... scalp management.

David:Oh my God, did you just... say hello to me? Without any trace of sarcasm or disdain? I'm genuinely moved. Should I sit down? I feel like I might need to sit down. This is the nicest thing that's ever happened to me.

David:I'm going to remember this moment forever. The day Stevie acknowledged my existence with basic human decency. I should write it down.

David:I've really come into my own professionally. I mean, look at me now—I'm thriving. I'm like Oprah, except instead of a talk show and a production company, I have crippling anxiety and a store that sells used furniture.

David:We could have a sleepover at your place. It would be very platonic.

Stevie:That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

David:I'm wearing a hat.

Stevie:That's a shower cap.

David:I don't know what you're talking about.

David:But if I did have lice, which I don't, it would be the fanciest lice in the town.

Roland:We got the old water tower, the gazebo in the town square, my bench down by the creek...

Bob:Your bench? That's a teen hookup spot.

Roland:Well, it is now.

Alexis:So I have this client, and they have lice. Like, really bad lice. They're very... um... they have brown hair. Or maybe blonde? And they're tall. Or average height. They live in a house. A big house. With windows. And they're very concerned about the lice situation.

Alexis:Okay, fine. There is no Meredith. I made her up.

Ted:I'm not little. I've been going to the gym. I can bench press like 185 pounds.

Alexis:That's great, Ted.

Ted:Yeah, well, it would be more, but my wrists are very delicate.

Ted:I'm like a samurai with a lice comb.

Alexis:Okay, I have to tell you something. I've been lying to you this whole time.

Ted:Yeah, I know.

Alexis:What do you mean you know? I just told you!

Ted:I've known for a while. I was just waiting for you to tell me.

Stevie:Is this made from actual milk? Because I'm not putting dairy products all over my body.

David:It's a scent. For men. It's called 'Herb Ertlinger's Fruit Liqueur.'

Moira:But that's a liqueur.

David:Yes, well, the *fragrance* is called 'Herb Ertlinger's Fruit Liqueur.'

Patrick:Well, that's just common sense.

David:...

Stevie:That was good.

Patrick:You should check your hair regularly for lice. It's just a precaution.

David:Oh my God. Oh my God, I have lice. I'm infested. I'm going to have to shave my head.

Patrick:You don't have lice, David. I'm just saying you should check.

David:You literally just told me I should check for lice, which means you think I have lice. Why would you tell me to check if you didn't think I had them?

Stevie:I'm gonna go get some wine and just... watch this happen.

Moira:A theatre named after some random volunteer usher? Who the fuck is that?

Moira:Pacifying pablum? A garden is not pacifying pablum!

Moira:A garden is a gift of grace and generosity, not some perfunctory, patronizing, pitiful pacification!

Moira:A garden? Absolutely not. I'm not about to spend my time cultivating vegetables when I can barely cultivate a relationship with my daughter. Besides, the last time I saw something that overgrown and unkempt, it was Alexis's head after she came back from that wellness retreat. I'm pretty sure I saw a family of lice setting up a summer home in there.

Johnny:I thought you said don't change the sheets, I heard 'go ahead and change the sheets.' It's a very common mix-up.

Guest:How old is your daughter?

Johnny:She's 28.

Johnny:I may have gone through some of the guests' personal items.

Johnny:But only the ones that were left out.

Alexis:I just have this image of myself as a well-toned bug woman, you know? Like, really fit. Just crawling around.

Alexis:I just wanted you to think I was cool, okay? I didn't want you to know that I was just some well-toned bug woman living in a motel room.

Ted:It could be worse. I could shear you like an animal.

Alexis:Oh my God, this is reminding me of this restaurant I went to in New York. It was like, a farm-to-table situation, but instead of a farm, it was just a guy's scalp, and instead of a table, it was... also a scalp.

Ted:That doesn't sound like a real restaurant.

Alexis:No, it was very real. Very exclusive. You had to have lice to get in.

Alexis:So anyway, the health inspector comes in, and there's just lice everywhere. In the food, in the kitchen...

Ted:You know, it's interesting you mention that, because I'm finding lice everywhere too.

Alexis:Ted!

Ted:I'm just saying, your restaurant's hygiene problem and your current situation aren't that different.

Ted:Oh my God, look at the size of this louse. This must be the mama.

David:I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised by your apartment. It's not at all what I imagined.

Stevie:What did you imagine?

David:Well, something a bit more... spartan. Maybe some exposed wiring, a single lightbulb, possibly a bucket in the corner for... various purposes.

David:I'll have you know I've been to every Sarah McLachlan Lilith Fair since 1998. It was a formative experience for me as a young man exploring my identity and celebrating female artists.

David:Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

David:Is that a men's hair product? In Stevie's bathroom?

Stevie:David, what are you doing in here?

David:I was looking for a Q-tip and I found... evidence of a romantic entanglement.

Stevie:That's Patrick's.

David:I know.

David:What is this? A sad collection of... is this chicken? Or was it chicken? Why would anyone do this to themselves?

Stevie:It's meal prep.

David:Meal prep? This looks more like a cry for help in Tupperware form.

David:Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

David:Stevie, is this... is this vodka?

Stevie:Yeah, it's just vodka.

David:Just vodka? JUST vodka? Do you understand what you have here? This is a miracle. This is a genuine miracle.

Moira:I've been honored with a street name, a park bench, and most recently, a road.

David:A road?

Moira:Yes, well, it was more of an evacuation route, but I renamed it.

Jocelyn:Oh no, not again. It's that time of year.

Roland:Jocelyn, honey, you need to stop eating those macaroons.

Jocelyn:I know, but they're so good! Last year it was just a little rash.

Roland:A little rash? You looked like a tomato.

Jocelyn:Well, this year is different. I can't feel my tongue.

Roland:We're calling an ambulance!

Jocelyn:No, no, I'm fine. I'm... I'm not fine. Is the room spinning?

Stevie:Oh wow, a guest bedroom. What are you, a billionaire?

David:Is this... is this supposed to say something? Because what I'm reading is 'It's the's garden's of the's Roses.' That's not... that's not how apostrophes work. At all.

David:What is this sign supposed to say?

Alexis:I think it's a garden belonging to multiple people named Alexis?

Alexis:Wait, so this whole time your birthday is just the numbers from your credit card?

Johnny:Well, I couldn't remember it, and my card was right there.

Alexis:Dad, that's... that's not how birthdays work.

David:Are we going to be buried here?

Johnny:I don't know, David. I hadn't really thought about it.

David:Well, I don't want to be. I think it's morbid.

Moira:Oh, David, don't be so dramatic.

David:I'm not being dramatic. I just don't want to spend eternity in Schitt's Creek.