Being There

Hank:That sign says 'Applesauce.' No, no, I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Julia Roberts collapsed on set, but it turns out it had just finally dawned on her that she had married Lyle Lovett, which would cause anyone just to pass out

Larry:The defense department canceled the Star Wars program, which is a shame because it was the most consistent work Mark Hamill ever had

Larry:The prop master is flipping me off. That's for machine-gun fire.

Larry:Where'd you learn to do that, jake?

Jake:Juilliard.

Larry:Money well spent, jake.

Larry:Can you imagine waking up to that? Actually, I was wondering if the alarm clock was free later tonight.

Larry:Oh, fucking moron-- Leaving us to go on tour with Amy Grant. Jesus!

Artie:he found god.

Larry:Blah, blah, blah.

Hank:Is anyone buying that accent? I mean, it's Yakov Smirnoff time.

Hank:What are you grabbing my elbow?

Artie:Am I?

Hank:Yeah. You grabbed my elbow. Please. Thank you.

Artie:You're fired. Ha ha ha!

Hank:All right. You see, now, that's funny. Let's take a second and examine, why is that funny, exactly?

Larry:Oh, fuck me. Poker at James Coburn's place! Oh, god. I forgot.

Jake:I agree with Artie, except about screwing Hank. That's a personal judgment call.

Francine:Mom and dad couldn't believe it the first time I wore pants. Give me a break.

Dora:Is that Aaron Spelling's house?

Francine:No, that's the Mormon Tabernacle.

Larry:Don't forget to flush. Or not. It's up to you.

Larry:I can't have dinner, I'm filled up with pudding.

Dora:You're out of toilet paper.

Artie:You know what it is? In most of the relationships you've been involved in, you've been Larry Sanders-- the Larry Sanders.

Larry:God, you should have a column.

Hank:Give me an 'L,' give me an 'A,' give me an 'R,' give me an 'R,' give me a 'Y.' What's that spell? Come on! What's that spell?

Artie:Larry.

Hank:God damn right, Larry.

Artie:Or to use your musical lingo, a couple of half notes.

Jake:It's not a problem. I've got an easy schedule.

Hank:You see, Larry... 'Schedule.'

Larry:I mean, this guy cannot stop using drug references.

Jake:No, but I think I sold him some pot at Oxford. / He was there. Let me tell you. He definitely inhaled. He just hasn't exhaled yet.

Hank:Commander-in-grief?

Hank:Commander-in-grief, because he's giving us so many problems.

Hank:Birds?

Jake:The ladies.

Hank:The ladies. I see. Squealing after the number, hmm?

Jake:Thanks for switching on the squeal sign.

Hank:don't miss that bus to Carnaby Street.

Hank:Step on my turf again, and you're going down. You dig?

Jake:Chill out.

Hank:Yeah, well, I'll chill out when you fucking get out.

Hank:Oh, am I?

Jake:Yes, you are.

Hank:Am I-- am I really?

Hank:I'm warning you.

Artie:A double dollop of icing.

Artie:God, tonight's show was the cake, but you definitely are the icing.

Larry:Good. That would be great. / Together like this? Hey, great. Wouldn't that be great? Screw it.

Larry:Did any of Johnny's wives work?

Artie:Well, they were fully functional. Is that the question?

Artie:All of Johnny's wives had the same first name, so that confused things from the get-go.

Artie:I fired her ass. She was my secretary.

Hank:He's not doing that. He's ordering dinner from the McDonald's on Alameda.

Jake:It's, uh, Jake, actually, Hank, in case you forgot.

Hank:Jake. Jack Woodward-- we're very fortunate to have him here. We outbid some of the finest high-school marching bands to get him tonight.

Jake:I do miss my baton and furry hat.

Hank:Interesting when those drugs just kick in like that, isn't it?

Hank:Especially since those charges against having sex with minors has been dropped. It has been dropped, hasn't it?

[Silence]

Hank:Signs over here! That say 'applesauce.' No, they don't. They say 'applause.'

Francine:I can't believe you're bringing him dinner at his office.

Francine:It's romantic.

Dora:It's pathetic.

Jake:I think I confused them. I think they actually thought I meant miners. You know, down in the mines.

Jake:I think I confused them. I think they actually thought I meant miners. You know, down in the mines.

Hank:I wear this girdle for medical reasons, all right? I am performing with pain.

Artie:Christ.

Hank:And you're not, dickface. You are a joke. A joke!

Hank:Take your tea and your crumpets and, uh, queen mum and shove them up your jolly old rectum.

Hank:This equipment belongs to the Larry Sanders show, featuring me, 'hey, now' Hank Kingsley!

Larry:Was she, uh... upset?

Artie:What do you think?

Artie:You mean besides revolving around Johnny like so many moons around Jupiter?

Artie:All of Johnny's wives had the same first name, so that confused things from the get-go.

Artie · Larry:My first wife was working 12-hour days when we first got married. / How did you handle that? / I fired her ass. She was my secretary.

Hank:My name's Hank Kingsley. How do you do?

Hank:Now, show them that contraption you're wearing. Please. You see? Now, that allows him to talk directly to the director — or so you think — but he's not doing that. He's ordering dinner from the McDonald's on Alameda.

Hank · Jake:That's Jack Woodward, folks — our bandleader. / It's, uh, Jake, actually, Hank, in case you forgot. / Jake. / Jack Woodward — we're very fortunate to have him. We outbid some of the finest high-school marching bands to get him tonight.

Jake:I do miss my baton and furry hat.

Hank:Interesting when those drugs just kick in like that, isn't it?

Hank:Especially since those charges against having sex with minors has been dropped. It has been dropped, hasn't it?

Hank · Jake · Larry:[Silence after the sex-with-minors joke]

Artie · Hank · Larry:What the hell are you fucking doing? Have you lost your goddamn fucking mind? / I'm sorry. I mean, I think the audience knew — they knew I was joking. / That audience comes on buses, Hank. They can barely tell when I'm joking.

Dora · Francine:You have to protect yourself. You have to keep yourself at a safe distance. / I've been keeping myself at such a safe distance from Larry, I'm turning into a jerk.

Hank:In my own defense, you know, that joke about sex with minors — I think I confused them. I think they actually thought I meant miners. You know, down in the mines.

Hank:I think I confused them. I think they actually thought I meant miners. You know, down in the mines.

Artie:That was a real delight. Child molestation? Very classy. Very funny.

Hank:Number one, number one, number one — I wear this girdle for medical reasons, all right? I am performing with pain. Christ.

Hank · Jake:And number two, asshole, is that if I'm a clown, it's because I am funny, and you're not, dickface. You are a joke. A joke! / That's right. Exactly.

Hank:This is just for right here, so take your tea and your crumpets and, uh, queen mum, and shove them up your jolly old rectum.

Hank · Jake · Artie:[Hank and Jake physically fight over the drum equipment backstage] / I was here first! / [Artie] Sounds like a rumble.

Larry · Francine:Honey, I'm really so— / This is really good cheese.

Larry · Artie:Was she, uh... upset? / What do you think?

Larry:All right. Maybe I'll have a glass of wine.