Life Behind Larry

Larry:Well, I do. I'm gonna keep them waiting.

Larry:I am. I'm going to piss all over them.

Larry:Do you think when Johnny Carson picked David Letterman to go after him at 12:30, he went through this shit? Hell, no. Nobody fucked with Johnny.

Larry:That's just what America needs—another fucking awards show. Political bullshit. You kiss somebody's ass, and they send your name to the engravers.

Larry:Will they send a limo? Town car. Oh, good. Much less gaudy.

Network Executive:Bob Saget. Saget—good name. Excellent name, but he's doing some shows. Wouldn't this be too much?

Arthur:Bob is a mule.

Larry:You're raiding the cast of Full House, huh? Check into the Olsen twins. I hear, once their parents go to sleep, they're wild.

Network Executive:Really? I'll see if they're interested.

Larry:Bobcat Goldthwait.

Network Executive:Is he the guy who makes the animal noises?

Larry:I knew you'd say that. That's just one of his colors.

Network Executive:There's a lot of funny out there, and we're looking for the right kind of funny.

Arthur:Let's take a good look at tomcat. Bobcat. Whatever.

Kevin:Just passing through town, doing my film.

Larry:Oh. What film?

Kevin:You doing the Coneheads?

Kevin:No. Hans and Franz.

Larry:Are you Hans or Franz?

Kevin:Franz—Hans. No. Franz. Franz. Carvey's Hans. Franz is the funny one.

Kevin:Bobcat. That's funny. Was Gallagher tied up or something?

Arthur:Gilbert Gottfried called, Bob Saget called, Allan Havey called several times, Louie Anderson, Steven Wright, Robert Klein, and Sinbad. Goddamn hyenas.

Arthur:What, was David Brenner out of the country?

Assistant:David Brenner sent brownies.

Larry:What does the award look like? It's probably a statue of a guy's head halfway up another guy's ass. I already have a fountain like that.

Hank:This is it, gentlemen. This is fucking it. The seeds of disrespect for Hank Kingsley that have been sown so liberally around here have finally come to bloom.

Hank:Doesn't the left one look longer? Absolutely. Can we, uh—Can we? Bring it up about a quarter—

Larry:"Hank's memories"? "I remember those winter days when I'd return home from my paper route, my toes and fingers dead from the cold. How I wanted to quit that job, but whenever I mentioned it to mom, she always said, 'Hank, always remember penis, vagina. Ooh. Penis, vagina. Penis, vagina.'"

Larry:What the hell is this, Hank?

Hank:It is unbelievable, isn't it?

Larry:Yeah.

Hank:This is what my mom used to say to me.

Larry:What are the odds of that?

Arthur:Paper doesn't grow on trees.

Hank:So it wasn't you, Lar?

Phil:Well, I guess we know which side of the family you get that mouth from.

It screams you.

It screams penis, vagina more than anything.

Phil:I'd have said you come home from a hard day at the paper route. Your mom's there with a thin dressing gown that slips open, and...

Larry:My hands are over a barrel.

Steven Wright:He—that guy has such a weird energy.

Hank:Sure, long enough To say penis, vagina.

Hank:I gotta run, uh, 'cause I have some toast in the toasterette. [Chuckles] Not the toasterette, the kitchenette.

Jerry:I'll be 111 when I have a kid in little league.

Jerry:Even on a blind date, I insist we go to counseling on the way.

Jerry:Duh! Larry, come on. What are you, crazy? You're joking. I got a series and movies. Besides, who wants to do a talk show five nights a week? You.

Larry:I would like to accept this very gracious recognition. Thank you very much.

David Letterman:The animal... "Ah ah ah!" He shouts. It'll be good going Into commercials-- "We'll be right back!"

Letterman:Tom Snyder. But don't tell anyone. Oh, come on. Tom Snyder—tomorrow—Tom Snyder. Come on. No. Yeah. Tom Snyder.

Larry:Dick Cavett tied up?

Letterman:Take the award. I'm not kidding around this time. Take it, please. It would mean a lot to me to take it. Go ahead.

Larry:Okay.

Letterman:You're insane! Boy, oh, boy, are you nuts. You're a fucker.

Bobcat:I won't even have real chairs. I'll have beanbag chairs. I won't even have a desk. I'll have a beanbag desk.

Bobcat:So a guest comes on, puts a beverage on the wobbly desk. That will be funny, right?

Bobcat:Wednesday Is no-pants night. I don't care who The guest is. No pants.

Bobcat:I'll have a giant nerf bat, bigger than this. I'll just go, 'That's fascinating. Please tell me some more about your pets.' Boom! Smack her right in the face! I'll hit her so hard, her makeup will stick. It'll be like the holy shroud of Donna.

Bobcat:I'll hit her so hard, Her makeup will stick. It'll be like The holy shroud of donna.

Arthur:The smothers brothers Are actually brothers.

Larry:Coulier and saget Aren't related.

Bobcat:Then sometimes, I won't even be on the show. My voice will come from a box like this. It will be this disembodied voice, you know, like a Beckett play.

Sid:Some asshole put a potato in the tailpipe of my car. That's awful. Who would do that? I'll kill the bastard.

Larry:Bill Clinton nominated a woman to the Supreme Court, or as Clarence Thomas likes to say... New meat.

Larry:He's an old friend and a very talented man—Mr. Tom Snyder!

Larry:It was worth it. We got him. How did old Bobcat take it?

Arthur:I thought you told Bobcat.

Larry:You were going to tell him.

Arthur:Someone better tell him before this goes on. He's your pal. It's your idea.

Arthur:When Letterman said he was thinking of Tom Snyder, you're sure he wasn't joking?

Larry:No. He wasn't joking.

Arthur:Yeah. 'Cause I asked Tom about it, and he never heard about the Letterman thing.

Larry:Really?

Arthur:Really.

Bobcat Goldthwait · Arthur:Bobcat spots the affiliate in golf slacks: 'Who's the guy in the golf slacks?' Artie: 'Oh, that's Artie Hankins, Kansas City affiliate — super guy.' Bobcat: 'Yeah? Good.'

Bobcat Goldthwait:Bobcat does a Madonna impression/bit in which Madonna says 'I consider you date bait.' 'But it'd be madonna, not me.'

Bobcat Goldthwait:Bobcat: 'Wednesday is no-pants night. I don't care who the guest is. No pants.'

Larry · Bobcat Goldthwait:Larry asks Bobcat: 'Are you going to do this in your real voice, or what?' Bobcat: 'Are you turning on me, too?'

Larry · Bobcat Goldthwait:Larry asks Bobcat to dial it down to a '2.' Bobcat: 'No, I can do a 2.' Does the 2. Larry: 'That's great. It's hilarious.' Bobcat: 'Oh, good.'

Bobcat Goldthwait:Bobcat describes hitting Donna Mills in the face with a giant Nerf bat: 'I'll hit her so hard, her makeup will stick. It'll be like the holy shroud of Donna.'

Bobcat Goldthwait:I'll hit her so hard, her makeup will stick. / It'll be like the Holy Shroud of Donna.

Arthur:Artie: 'Is this what you really want? Get the young people's favorite — Pauly Shore.'

Larry · Arthur:Larry: 'Why not put them together? It worked for the Smothers Brothers.' Artie: 'The Smothers Brothers are actually brothers.' Larry: 'How about Rowan and Martin?'

Arthur:Artie: 'He'll last exactly 3 weeks, and then they'll dump you both and put on reruns of MacMillan and Wife and Hawaii Five-Zilch.'

Bobcat Goldthwait:Bobcat: 'Then sometimes, I won't even be on the show. My voice will come from a box like this. It will be this disembodied voice, you know, like a Beckett play.'

Arthur · Larry:Artie: 'Some asshole put a potato in the tailpipe of my car.' Larry: 'That's awful. Who would do that?' Artie: 'I'll kill the bastard.' Larry: 'Did you used to work at the post office?'

Darlene · Arthur:Darlene confesses to Arthur: 'I did it — penis, vagina, penis, vagina.' Artie: 'You put that in the newsletter? You're kidding. I love Hank. I really do. But sometimes he makes me do crummy jobs. He talks to me like I'm an idiot.'

Arthur · Darlene:Artie: 'I'm beginning to worry about you, sweetie. But I think you're finding a place for yourself in this business.'

Arthur:Ah, secrets, secrets. / Darlene, pull my car to the back door and have it running as soon as the show is over. Keep that interior temp as close to 68 as possible, capisce?

Arthur:Artie: 'Ah, secrets, secrets.' Then immediately orders his car to be pulled to the back with the interior kept at 68 degrees.

Arthur:Artie mutters 'Penis, vagina...' to himself as he walks away.

Larry:Larry's on-air Clarence Thomas joke: 'Bill Clinton nominated a woman to the Supreme Court, or as Clarence Thomas likes to say... New meat.'

Larry · Tom Snyder:Larry announces the new 12:30 host and introduces Tom Snyder. Tom Snyder: 'How do I follow this at 12:30?' Larry: 'It won't be easy, but if there's anybody who can do it, it's you.'

Tom Snyder · Larry:Tom Snyder: 'Finally out of CNBC.' Larry laughs. Tom Snyder: 'Back in the 12:30 A.M. saddle.'

Larry · Tom Snyder:Larry: 'Maybe you'll get a regular chair this time.' Tom Snyder: 'Funny man — Larry Sanders. Ho ho! Funny, funny man.'

Tom Snyder · Larry · Hank:Snyder says he wants to do a segment going 'behind the scenes' of Larry Sanders. Larry: 'I'm in. I'm in. Absolutely. I'm as good as there. If I can't make it, I'll send Hank.' Snyder: 'No flipping.'

Network Exec · Arthur:After the show, execs discuss Snyder. Exec: 'It cost us an arm and a leg to steal him from Letterman. It was worth it. We got him.'

Larry · Arthur · Network Exec:Larry asks about telling Bobcat. Everyone passes the responsibility. 'He's your pal.' 'It's your idea.' 'Fine. I'll tell him right after the show.' Arthur: 'Come on. Let him guest-host for a week. That's a good idea. He's a talent.'

Larry · Arthur:Larry: 'I have to ask you again. When Letterman said he was thinking of Tom Snyder, you're sure he wasn't joking?' Arthur: 'No. He wasn't joking.' Larry: 'Yeah.' Arthur: ''Cause I asked tom about it, and he never heard about the Letterman thing.' Larry: 'Really?' Arthur: 'Really.'