Hank's Night in the Sun

Artie:The next time one of you shows up wearing black sneakers instead of black dress shoes, you'll need 'em because I'll chase your delicate little butt right out into the street.

Because he thinks if you can see the colors, it's easier to pick the flavor.

Artie:Thank god, because I've seen Larry vomit. It's not something you want to watch over and over again on Hard Copy.

Artie:You're right. Flop Howie and Louie, bump Saget from third to fourth, and make sure that Seinfeld knows that he's our first choice.

Artie:When he says no, make sure that Richard Lewis thinks that he's our first choice, and so on down the list.

Paula:Oh, your mind amazes me!

Artie:I'm just now comfortable with it myself.

Artie:80% unemployment in the acting ranks, you can't find me one name?

Paula:Well, there's some chimps at Live at 5 who might be available.

Artie:Paula, are you aware I'm about to open the lid of a box far nastier than Pandora's?

Hank:I'm not supposed to eat in my show clothes. I know. It's just...I get hungry.

Hank:My psychic told me a man in my life was going to be given a great opportunity. I thought she meant my father was going to get a job, but--but this, this is good, too.

Hank:I can't move my legs.

Artie:Whoop. Hip.

Hank:I'm doing some creative visualization, and I'm seeing the audience screaming with laughter.

Artie:I'm seeing the same thing, Darlene.

Artie:Thank you for explaining the screaming.

Hank:And, uh, I want to eat some fruit. I don't know why... A pineapple.

Hank:Artie, my pal, Shadoe Stevens, he's 2 blocks away. Why don't we call him, have him do the warm-up and the intro? Shadoe is 2 blocks away. Did I say that already?

Hank:It's just such a wonderful, tremendous vote of confidence. I want to thank you.

Artie:Hank, believe me, I had no choice.

Hank:I know. Thank you.

Sid:My, god. Larry's sick?

Hank:Yeah. Food poisoning.

Sid:Didn't anybody tell you?

Hank:No!

Hank:I guess Artie did, but I was so nervous, and the shock and the excitement, uh...

Hank:Even though Larry couldn't be here tonight, I know he's comfortable. I have an american car. The trunk is quite spacious.

Sid:Flip it. No, that's it, Hank.

Hank:What?

Sid:That's the joke.

Hank:Even though Larry couldn't be here tonight, I know he's comfortable. I have an american car, and I put him in the trunk, and I kidnapped him.

Artie:Actually, we're off the list--Hank.

Larry:[Retching]

Beverly:Larry? Artie, it's Beverly. Larry's vomiting again. Can we get back to you?

Phil:I'm Phil, the best writer. Thanks for doing the show.

George Wendt:No problem. There's been a little change.

George Wendt:Who's gonna host? Uh...Hank.

Phil:Hank?

George Wendt:Well, that's cool.

Phil:Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

George Wendt:I did Conan's first show, so... You have to remember.

Phil:Yes, I do, and I forgive you.

Shadoe Stevens:Kings...Kingsley! Kings-leyyyy! Kind of a flaired-out riff. No. B-flat. Kings-ley! Kings-leyyyyy!

Hank:I'm just trying to pick out the right tie for the show. What about this one? You think that one?

Artie:Oh, definitely.

Hank:Ok. That's the one. You're the boss.

Hank:And, uh, you know, I ordered some pineapple. Have you seen my pineapple?

Hank:Don't make me do this. Ok? I just can't do this. I'm not... I'm not up to this. Don't make me.

Hank:What if I suck?

Artie:Never!

Hank:Yeah, what if I suck? After all this time, I finally get my chance, and what if I just suck?

Hank:What are you drinking?

Paula:Red zinger and gin.

Artie:I been in this business, man and boy, almost 40 years. I know things, Hank. Let me tell you one of the things I know. You do not suck!

Hank:Now, before we goes... Before we goes on...

Hank:Even though Larry wouldn't be... couldn't be here tonight, I know he's comfortable. I have an american car, and the trunk is quite spacious.

Hank:Tennis star Jennifer Capriati is in the drug rehab. I mean, is this really a surprise? I seem to remember people all the time saying she preferred playing on grass.

Beverly:He just got his first big laugh. Good for Hank.

Artie:You don't understand. This is gonna go right to his head.

Hank:You know, my father always told me to tell the truth, so if it isn't obvious, I'm really terrified. So you're probably not going to see a really great show tonight.

Audience:Go, Hank, go! [Chanting] Hank! Hank! Hank!

George Wendt:Hank, cards are a crutch. They're a crutch. There goes-- Thank you and good night. Hank, you don't need the cards.

Artie:I have to be honest. I thought we were going to have to warn people to watch this show through a pin hole and a piece of cardboard.

Artie:I have to be honest. I thought we were going to have to warn people to watch this show through a pin hole and a piece of cardboard.

Hank:Now I know why Larry is so puffed up.

Beverly:Well, Artie, he's over that food poisoning, but last night, he ran into the bathroom, and he slipped and fell and hit his head on the john.

Beverly:It's serious enough to get those pain killers he's been after. Yay!

Hank:You sound a little surprised I did so well.

Artie:Oh? I'm glad I'm not playing poker anytime soon.

Paula:No. No, I book talent. I don't get coffee.

Hank:Then could you book David Copperfield on the show, and when he gets here, have him pull a cup of coffee out of his ass?

Hank:Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but the procedure is the guest host gets to use Larry's office, right?

Beverly:Yes. The guest host, which you are not.

Beverly:Because if I do, you know he'll give me the go-ahead to kick your balls right out through the top of your head!

Hank:Oh, language!

Hank:Hey. Hey, I saved your asses last night. This is the--the fucking gratitude I get?

Artie:'Kingsley proved himself completely maladroit in the host's chair.' Hank, 'adroit' means 'able.' 'Mal' means 'bad' or 'not.' Put 'em together. Maladroit--not able. capisce?

Hank:Well, it's funny because last week, Larry and Arthur were talking, and one of them said that they thought the whole neurotic Jewish person thing that you do is, uh-- What'd he say? Predictably, uh, banal.

Hank:The whole neurotic Jewish person thing that you do is, uh-- What'd he say? Predictably, uh, banal.

Larry:I'm sure Hank got on the phone with him. That crazy son of a bitch. I don't think Richard's that crazy. I think that's just an act. I meant Hank.

Artie:Last night he was a crying mess... Now he's the ass of the western world.

Writer:I think socks had something to do with that decision.

Hank:It's not funny. I beg your pardon? What word do you have trouble with? You understand 'not'? That's comfortable for you? And 'funny.' You've heard of that?

Darlene:What? What?! You've changed, Hank. There's a darkness around you.

Hank:Good, fine. There's a darkness.

Hank:I prayed. I mean, I actually got down on my knees, and I prayed that Larry would stay sick so I could host the show tonight. I mean, I wished this man unwell.

Hank:See, that's interesting because I told our head writer that that was, you know, a little off, but he's such a hopeless retard that...

Hank:You see, it's not Larry who is sick. It's me. Yes, it's me. I am very sick. I am a sicko. I'm so fucking sick. But I'm finally where I belong.

Hank:I'm sure socks had something to do with that decision. See, that's interesting because I told our head writer that that was, you know, a little off, but he's such a hopeless retard that...

Audience member:You suck!

Hank:Take a seat.

Artie:Oh, no, Hank. It really got away. It's down in Bolivia by now.

Artie:You should send 3 baskets to Lionel Richie, one for each time you called him Little Richard.

Artie:When you're vulnerable and humble, people like you. When you act like an asshole, people tend to think of you as an asshole.

Artie:when you're sick that close to air, we'll cancel. Hank's place is on the couch where he does his best work. And always let Beverly go into that yogurt shop alone.

Artie:I'll admit, I may have mishandled this affair, but everything turned out for the best.

Larry:Hey, Artie? What's happenin'?

Audience member:Heck from the audience: 'You suck!'

Artie:Artie's disciplinary list: 'You will issue an apology about the remarks about the mentally challenged. A healthy donation to, let's say, the Down Syndrome people wouldn't hurt. But you should send a gift basket to John Cusack about that remark you made about his sister. And you should send 3 baskets to Lionel Richie, one for each time you called him Little Richard.'

Artie:Artie: 'Now, Hank, what have we learned here? When you're vulnerable and humble, people like you. When you act like an asshole, people tend to think of you as an asshole.'

Artie:Artie: 'Are you going to air tonight's show?' 'No. We'll put on the best of Larry. But I'll always have a copy of tonight's show close by. Just keep that in mind next time you want to throw your weight around.'

Larry · Artie:Larry on speakerphone after Hank exits: 'Is he gone yet?' / 'Don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass.'

Artie:Artie's closing three lessons: '1 — when you're sick that close to air, we'll cancel. 2 — Hank's place is on the couch where he does his best work. And 3 — always let Beverly go into that yogurt shop alone.'

Artie:Artie's three lessons: 1) Cancel when sick close to air, 2) Hank belongs on the couch, 3) 'Always let Beverly go into that yogurt shop alone'

Artie · Larry:Artie's closing self-assessment: 'I'll admit, I may have mishandled this affair, but everything turned out for the best. And I think you see that it's gonna be all right.' [Thud] 'Oh!' Larry: 'You agree, right? Hey, Artie? What's happenin'?'