Darlene Chapinni

Darlene:Hank's fan club newsletter: 'Hank's For The Memories'

Assistant · Jerry · Darlene:Jerry, William Shatner's on line four for you. / He wants to talk to me? / Yes. / Could we put him on the speakerphone? / Yeah, I love his voice.

Darlene:Try and get him to say 'Klingon.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie · Darlene:Hank enters and immediately says, 'I'm sorry. If you and Darlene are talking, I can always come back.' Artie: 'I am not talking to her. Come in.' Darlene: 'Tell him why you were here.' Darlene: 'I don't remember.'

Darlene · Writer:'Darlene is the most competent person in the office.' — I didn't see that. — It's not actually here... but it should be.

Darlene · Larry Sanders:Darlene: 'I'm gonna bring my tarot cards tonight and do your wife.' — Larry: 'But just the tarot reading will be fine.'

Hank Kingsley · Darlene:Contagious? / (Hank performs the bit) / Why isn't he that funny on the show?

Hank Kingsley · Darlene:Darlene: 'You want me to go to Chicken In A Minute and buy food to get the wrappers?' Hank: 'Not buy. Not buy. Forget the food. All we need are the wrappers.' Darlene: 'Why don't I just go outside and climb into the Dumpster?' Hank: 'No, no. Please, Darlene. I would never ask you to do that.'

Darlene · Larry · Staff member:'Is that anything like a Designing Women episode?' / 'Yes, in that they both make you sick?' / 'Yes, and involve fatty build-up.'

Darlene · Beverly:It's gonna happen. Let's face facts. And when it does, it's either gonna be you or me. / Right. Like Larry would date a sister? / I don't think so.

Larry · Beverly · Darlene:Larry walks in, greets them warmly. Beverly: [whispers] 'Never mind.'

Darlene · Larry Sanders · Phoebe:Larry, would you like a brownie? Thank you, Darlene. Phoebe? Oh, yeah. Coconut? Did your mom make these? No. A fan sent them in for you and Hank.

Hank · Darlene:Darlene's neck brace is revealed — Hank assumes various causes (chiropractor? Rear-ended? Slipped on ice?) before she reveals: 'My Hankerciser broke and I pulled my neck.'

Darlene:Darlene, asked what happened to her, says 'I was rear-ended.' (She means by the Hankerciser snapping back, but the phrasing is a double entendre.)

Darlene · Arthur:Darlene confesses to Arthur: 'I did it — penis, vagina, penis, vagina.' Artie: 'You put that in the newsletter? You're kidding. I love Hank. I really do. But sometimes he makes me do crummy jobs. He talks to me like I'm an idiot.'

Arthur · Darlene:Artie: 'I'm beginning to worry about you, sweetie. But I think you're finding a place for yourself in this business.'

Darlene · Paula:Darlene reveals she hasn't seen Bruno since they broke up, and doesn't want to see him — while Paula, still reeling from everything else, tries to shut this down.

Hank · Larry · Darlene:Hank announces to Darlene: 'After many years of trying, Hank Kingsley is going to appear in Playboy.' Then: 'Actually, it's not the interview. It's a feature about women who work in television.' Then: 'But, Hank, you're a man. Right, but you're a woman.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank explains his emotional investment: 'My dad, Henry Kingsley Sr., was a charter subscriber to Playboy.' Then: 'Your dad's passed away, right? We think so. We're not sure. He left when I was 7.'

Darlene · Hank Kingsley:'Your dad's passed away, right?' / 'We think so. We're not sure. He left when I was 7.'

Darlene · Larry · Artie:Darlene explains she did the test photos: 'There was no one there but me and the photographer.' Others: 'Some slimebag, right?' Darlene: 'No. She seemed nice.' Others: 'She?'

Darlene:Darlene: 'Hank really wants me to [do Playboy], and I owe him a lot.' Then the reveal: 'If it wasn't for Hank, I would still be being sawed in half by the Amazing Clifford for two shows a night.'

Darlene:Darlene: 'If you think it's so great, show everyone your tits.'

Darlene · Hank:Darlene: 'They hated my test shots, didn't they?' Hank: 'Oh, those fuckers! Those fuckers! Bunch of sleazebags, every one of them.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank: 'What did they say about me?' Darlene: 'About you? Oh, they loved you. They want to know if you're interested in doing a... pictorial alone.'

Darlene:Darlene: 'I am interested, Hank. I'll do it for me, not for you. But for me, I want to do it.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank's solution: 'I could wear a Hank's Look Around Café T-shirt.' Darlene: 'You see, it's very hard to pose nude and wear a T-shirt at the same time. In fact, it's downright impossible.'

Darlene:'Love, Darlene.' — the caption/dedication under the photo, presumably on a signed copy.

Darlene:Darlene tells Hank: 'I wore the Hank's Look Around Café T-shirt in the main shot. It's a little ripped, but you can still read it.'

Darlene · Hank Kingsley:Darlene informs Hank casually: 'I guess you didn't hear there was a small grease fire at the site last night. No, no. It's only going to push us back about, oh, 10 months.'

Hank Kingsley · Darlene:Hank wearing the bracelet he bought 'for Larry': 'Oh thanks. You like it? Is that supposed to be for Larry?' / 'No, no, no. I just fell in love with this beauty, so I treated myself because I deserve it.'

Larry Sanders · Darlene:Darlene's gift — a calculator — and Larry's response: 'Because I know that you love... gadgets.' / 'Math.' / 'I love math.' / 'And gadgets. Math and gadgets.'

Larry · Darlene:Larry receives a calculator from Darlene: 'Because I know that you love— gadgets. Math. I love math. And gadgets. Math and gadgets.'

Mike Patterson · Phil · Darlene:Mike Patterson gives Larry a Hank Aaron baseball — 'I got you a baseball. It's autographed by Hank Aaron right there.' — triggering chaos over the Mickey Mantle one

Darlene · Larry:Darlene starts crying after the baseball confrontation. 'Someone scared Darlene.' 'Darlene, please.' 'She got upset.'

Darlene · Larry:Darlene asks if she'll still be able to go to New York if Larry and Hank go. Larry dismisses her with 'In a second, Darlene.' The moment he's gone, she mutters: 'The name's Darlene, you fucking idiot.'

Larry · Darlene:In the middle of his retirement tribute, Larry 'acknowledges' Darlene with 'the rest of the office staff' — not by name. Darlene, on camera: 'The name's Darlene, you fucking idiot.'

Larry Sanders · Darlene:Larry is conducting a secret staff-reassembly meeting with Darlene in the dark on the empty stage

Darlene:Darlene: 'Working for Hank was the most meaningful experience of my life.'

Paula · Darlene:Okay, what he said was: 'I really appreciate the effort you put into your job each day.' Ooh, girl, you are fucked.

Larry Sanders · Darlene:Larry asking Darlene about Dean Cain: 'What's Superman's name?' / 'Clark Kent.' / 'No, no, no. The actor.' / 'Christopher Reeve.' / 'The new one.' / 'Dean Cain?'

Hank · Darlene · Artie:Darlene: 'I should call your wife.' Hank: 'Wife, yes. Of course.' Then: 'She has a thing for Hank.' / 'Oh, don't we all?'

Darlene · Hank:Hank confronting Darlene: 'You've changed, Hank. There's a darkness around you.' Hank: 'Good, fine. There's a darkness.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank: 'I'm still doing it. I hope he gets sick through the weekend and on until the week after that and the week after that.' Darlene: 'Hank, don't!' Hank: 'You don't get it, do you? You see, it's not Larry who is sick. It's me. Yes, it's me. I am very sick. I am a sicko. I'm so fucking sick. But I'm finally where I belong.'

Larry · Darlene:Larry dismisses the staff retreat, then immediately pivots: 'Buses, I drove one in this morning. I have a lot of new buses. You know, I'm doing really well.'

Larry · Darlene:Larry: 'I'd do anything to win the sack race.' Said sincerely, about a staff retreat game.

Larry · Darlene:Larry offers Darlene a ride, then says he'll drop her around the corner so Hank doesn't see him

Darlene · Larry:Darlene says Larry and Hank have 'such a cute relationship' as Larry insists he'll drop her around the corner so Hank doesn't see him

Larry · Darlene · Hank:Larry walks Darlene into Hank's restaurant, saying 'You didn't have to walk in with me, Larry' / 'Well, no, I didn't, but I'm happy to' — then Hank appears and Larry is caught

Darlene:Darlene responds to hearing about rats in the mechanism with 'Oh, poor things!' — feeling sorry for the rats

Darlene · Larry:The elevator ding followed by Darlene appearing — immediately after the Phil/Larry microwave standoff

Larry · Darlene:Darlene thanks Larry for the ride; the silence and body language between them as Larry says 'Oh! You're welcome' — a ten-second gap after the exchange before anyone else speaks

Hank · Darlene:Hank in the elevator using a hand vac, telling Darlene how great Larry is: 'I would date him if I could.' Then: 'What I do in the elevator is my business.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank pivots from giving Darlene advice to: 'What does Larry say about me? Does he say anything good? Or anything bad? Does he say bad things?'

Darlene · Phil:Darlene to Phil: 'You never said we had an exclusive — you never said you were gonna start dating the boss.'

Darlene · Paula:Darlene tells Paula: 'Remember that guy I told you I was seeing who I thought could speak French, and then I found out it was just all made-up words? That was Phil?!'

Paula · Darlene:Paula: 'So he just asked me out to piss you off.' Then: 'I have to go get the phone.' — Paula exits twice using the same excuse

Darlene · Paula · Larry:Darlene: 'So he just asked me out to piss you off.' Paula: 'If I had known...I'm sorry.' / 'I have to go get the phone.'

Phil · Darlene:Phil and Darlene's breakup: 'I went a whole month without having an orgasm.' / 'Well, guess what. So did I.' / 'Well, that's the point, right?'

Larry · Darlene:Darlene and Larry argue; Darlene says 'she's not my type' / Larry: 'Really? What don't you like? The blond hair? Big breasts?' Larry: 'You know, she's not a thinker.' Darlene starts crying quietly.

Larry · Darlene:In the elevator: Larry and Darlene both prefer the same one of the dolls she holds up. 'Which one of these do you like the most? / Oh. This one. / Yeah. Me, too.'

Larry · Darlene:Larry in the elevator tells Darlene 'we can't let things go on like this.' Darlene: 'I'm serious. She's not my type.' Larry: 'Really? What don't you like? The blond hair? Big breasts? You know, she's not a thinker.' Darlene cries quietly. Larry: 'I'm sorry to hear that, darlene. Who's next?'

Larry · Darlene:Larry breaks it off with Darlene in the elevator: 'She's not my type.' 'What don't you like? The blond hair? Big breasts?' 'You know, she's not a thinker.'

Darlene:Margaret called. She says it's urgent.

Darlene · Paula:The escalating gift progression: flowers, then flowers + Dottie West CD, then flowers + Hummel figurine, then flowers + pasta machine

Darlene:"You're just mad because the only bracelets you have are made out of shoelaces."

Paula · Darlene:Paula reveals she gave Darlene a shoelace bracelet, and Darlene's diplomatic backpedal: 'I know, and I liked it. I'm sorry. No, I did. It was different!'

Darlene:"No more comics, actors, or magicians."

Larry · Jon Lovitz · Darlene:Jon asks to see the bracelet he gave Darlene; she hesitates; Larry intervenes with 'Darlene, could you call make-up and tell them to come remove my tissues.' Jon: 'I can do it.' Larry: 'Uh, no, no. Bruno. It's a union thing.'

Jon Lovitz · Darlene:Jon approaches Darlene: 'So, uh... you're a lesbian.'

Jon Lovitz · Darlene:Jon: 'It kind of makes sense, you know. A lot of stuff that we went through makes sense now.'

Jon Lovitz · Darlene:Jon: 'I only wish you could've told me yourself instead of me having to hear it from Paula.' — Darlene: 'Paula told you I was a lesbian?'

Jon Lovitz · Darlene:Jon, being 'understanding': 'Oh, and by the way, I think Larry's gonna be really pissed if he finds out you've been seeing Beverly.'

Darlene:Darlene: 'Beverly?' — a single-word reaction beat of pure bafflement

Hank · Darlene:Darlene confronts Hank — he spills something while deflecting: 'Spilling. Spilling!'

Hank · Darlene:Darlene: 'Hank, you lied.' Hank: 'I didn't... oh, come on. Like you've never been with a woman? Like you've never been with a man?'

Jon Lovitz · Darlene:'A lot of women find me dreamy.' / 'You are dreamy.'

Paula · Darlene:Paula wearing Darlene's bracelet while claiming she's just holding it 'for a couple of hours' — then being caught by Darlene

Larry · Darlene · Hank:Three-way argument about why Jon walked: Darlene says it's because of her; Hank says it's because of the bracelet; Larry says it's the snake story argument — all three are simultaneously right and wrong

Darlene:Oh, right, uh... nothing contagious.

Hank · Darlene:Hank discovers that 'calling fans' — his big plan for total focus — means there is literally one item on his agenda besides a voice-over. The pregnant pause after 'That's all.'

Artie · Darlene:Artie's confessional about keeping 'professional distance': 'admiring your hair... tight little body... your breasts.' Escalating, then caught.

Darlene · Artie:Artie's six stages listed again as a callback/confirmation: 'Shock, denial, fear, booze, boners, acceptance' — Darlene's 'I've just never seen him as a sex-and-drugs kind of guy' sets it up

Artie · Darlene:The therapist/expert explains that post-divorce people get 'sexually promiscuous' — immediately cuts back to Hank with his prostitute

Artie · Darlene:Artie on the phone: 'Is he OK?' / Artie: 'Darlene, he's hit bottom and broke through to another bottom I know nothing about.'

Darlene · unnamed staffer:Darlene crying at Clint Black's sound check — 'It's the music. It's always so sad. I gotta get a camera.'

Darlene · Artie:Larry, Larry, thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much. You're wonderful. I won't let you down. I promise. Thank you! / You OK, Darlene? / I'm wonderful, Artie. Good. / I just have to go throw up now. Thank you.

Darlene:First, I have to throw up again.

Clint Black · Darlene:So it's, you know, out of my hands. I mean, uh, Larry said I was doing 3 songs, and Artie said only one...

Darlene:If you made this decision because you think I can't sing, then you're wrong because I can sing. I can. / ♪ Easier said than done ♪

Darlene · Darlene · unnamed staffer:Oh, that's not funny. / Shouldn't make fun of Larry's pain, whatever it is. / Hank thinks it's the Santa Ana winds. He said Larry's allergic and his face swells up.

Roseanne · Darlene · Larry:Sorry, Hank. We're out of time. Darlene? / It really hurt me when you called Hank a fat shit. / No, Darlene. It was a talentless fat fuck.

Darlene · Larry Sanders:A woman named Darlene (apparently from India) shows up gushing: 'I'm so glad you're changing your life and leaving all of this behind and creating a new universe for yourself. It's just a big trap.' Larry: 'Thank you. Thank you so much.'