The Stalker

Larry:Hank, you hang out with ed.

Hank:Yes.

Hank:He is on crack. [Laughter] But, um... Kids... Just say no.

Larry:without any renovation, it's being turned into a tgi friday's.

the wet t-shirt contest will still be on tuesdays.

Hank:No more jokes, Larry.

Larry:he named it-- this is absolutely true. he named it Madonna.

Francine:It's me. God, you scared the shit out of me.

Larry:It was one of those fucking tour buses. Maybe someone jumped off and ran onto the roof.

Francine:When my sister was in town, she wanted to see where tony danza lives. Nice vacation.

Larry:Your sister's not in town, is she?

Larry:No more than usual. Wait a minute. What's the usual?

Artie:John lennon, Sharon tate-- These incidences could have been prevented by adequate security

Larry:Alec Baldwin won, didn't he?

Look-alike:I even stay in your favorite room. 714-- the one with the bathtub? Yeah. And the shower?

Hank:Good job.

Larry:Good job to you.

Hank:Good job, Larry.

Larry:Good job yourself.

Hank:Good job.

Hank:You guys look like the two-captain-kirk episode from 'star trek.' Right, 'incident on rigel 7.'

Hank:'Don't endanger the ship, spock. Kill us both.'

Larry:You're a gifted man.

Hank:You know, maybe one night I could do it on the ship. Not this--

Hank:He's sniffing my jacket, Artie. Just to see what cologne Larry wears.

Artie:The guy looked like linda hunt.

Larry:What I'd do if I was stalking somebody-- see where they live, then come back later to kill them.

Francine:He stopped wearing a toupee because he realized in prison you don't need hair to be attractive.

Francine:I only have time to humor one neurotic obsession. Are we choosing this one? Next time, one of mine?

Francine:Yeah, or having living with one or having sex with one or a relationship or whatever we're doing here.

Larry:Oh, it's o.K. It's tom Hanks. He always jogs at this time. Tom!

Larry:What would it cost to have the bunker saddam hussein has?

Francine:He means that secure.

Larry:I just can't believe I spent the money to move the bathroom.

Artie:That was a wise decision, kiddo. Who wants to walk that far in the middle of the night to take a shit?

Larry:Has he ever asked about my configuration?

Darlene:Larry, would you like a brownie?

Darlene:No. A fan sent them in for you and Hank.

Larry:Why didn't you say something? Who knows what could be in these?

Larry:You want me to hire a taster? No. We don't need to hire a taster. Just have that weird intern do it.

Hank:A few minutes. I waited for the right time.

Larry:Yeah, good choice.

Larry:A fucking puppet show? What are you do--

Hank:Say hello to peace of mind.

Hank:This is the original handgun fired by jack lord on hawaii five-o. He gave it to me on my birthday.

Larry:You must be a big fan.

Hank:No. I've never seen it, but don't tell jack.

Hank:Me, neither. Apparently, you just point and squeeze. That's what they tell me.

That's what who tells you?

Hank:Don't ask.

Aren't you the only saturday night live guy without some big movie deal?

Phil Hartman:Larry, I have a slumber party with my obsessed fans. We break out the sleeping bags. Order pizza, watch everything I've done on video, then spend hours talking about me.

Corbin Bernsen:Yeah. I took 10 of my fans on a caribbean cruise.

Corbin Bernsen:You ever do that?

Larry:No.

Writer:What is your worst vacation?

Fred:Uh... I lost $250 in reno.

Writer:Look at that. How?

Fred:Slots.

Writer:Slots!

Larry:That's 'cause you're not on TV every night. You don't know what it feels like. You're not out there having tour buses go by your house with fucking psychos coming in to smell your clothes.

Larry:What do you two assholes have to say now?

[Speaking spanish] Excuse me.

Police:So he, basically, has no idea who I am.

Police:No, he doesn't.

Larry:Yeah. I see.

Artie:If you only had the electrical fence, all you'd have to do now is unplug it and hose it down.

Hank:He had no idea who you were?

Larry:None.

Hank:My god, I'm sorry.