Larry gets a little paranoid when he learns he's being stalked by an obsessed fan.
WAR
68
Wins Above Replacement
“The Stalker” ranks #81 of 90 The Larry Sanders Show episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 83.2 — Elite. The episode packs 68 scored jokes at 3.2 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 7.0 on impact, with Larry Sanders landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Larry Sanders: Tour bus drives by after the anti-climactic resolution — Larry stiffens
Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley: It was a completely random burglar. The guy had no fucking idea who I was. No clue whatsoever. He had no idea who you were? None. My god, I'm sorry.
Beverly · Larry Sanders: Larry... Did you tell some Javier he could see you tomorrow? Yeah. Would you get Corbin Bernsen on the phone?
Hank: Me, neither. Apparently, you just point and squeeze. That's what they tell me.
That's what who tells you?
Hank: Don't ask.
Larry Sanders · Officer/Detective: Does he speak any English at all? None. He's from Guatemala. He's only been in the country about four weeks. So he basically has no idea who I am. No, he doesn't.
All Jokes — 68 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Larry: Hank, you hang out with ed.
Hank: Yes.
Announcer Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Hank: He is on crack. [Laughter] But, um... Kids... Just say no.
Larry: without any renovation, it's being turned into a tgi friday's.
the wet t-shirt contest will still be on tuesdays.
Hank: No more jokes, Larry.
Larry: he named it-- this is absolutely true. he named it Madonna.
Francine: It's me. God, you scared the shit out of me.
Larry: It was one of those fucking tour buses. Maybe someone jumped off and ran onto the roof.
Francine: When my sister was in town, she wanted to see where tony danza lives. Nice vacation.
Larry: Your sister's not in town, is she?
Larry Sanders Awkward Silence Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Larry: No more than usual. Wait a minute. What's the usual?
Artie: John lennon, Sharon tate-- These incidences could have been prevented by adequate security
Larry: Alec Baldwin won, didn't he?
Look-alike: I even stay in your favorite room. 714-- the one with the bathtub? Yeah. And the shower?
Hank: Good job.
Larry: Good job to you.
Hank: Good job, Larry.
Larry: Good job yourself.
Hank: Good job.
Hank: You guys look like the two-captain-kirk episode from 'star trek.' Right, 'incident on rigel 7.'
Hank: 'Don't endanger the ship, spock. Kill us both.'
Larry: You're a gifted man.
Hank: You know, maybe one night I could do it on the ship. Not this--
Hank: He's sniffing my jacket, Artie. Just to see what cologne Larry wears.
Artie: The guy looked like linda hunt.
Larry: What I'd do if I was stalking somebody-- see where they live, then come back later to kill them.
Francine: He stopped wearing a toupee because he realized in prison you don't need hair to be attractive.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Francine: I only have time to humor one neurotic obsession. Are we choosing this one? Next time, one of mine?
Francine: Yeah, or having living with one or having sex with one or a relationship or whatever we're doing here.
Larry: Oh, it's o.K. It's tom Hanks. He always jogs at this time. Tom!
Larry: What would it cost to have the bunker saddam hussein has?
Francine: He means that secure.
Larry: I just can't believe I spent the money to move the bathroom.
Artie: That was a wise decision, kiddo. Who wants to walk that far in the middle of the night to take a shit?
Francine Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Larry: Has he ever asked about my configuration?
Darlene: Larry, would you like a brownie?
Darlene: No. A fan sent them in for you and Hank.
Larry: Why didn't you say something? Who knows what could be in these?
Larry: You want me to hire a taster? No. We don't need to hire a taster. Just have that weird intern do it.
Hank: A few minutes. I waited for the right time.
Larry: Yeah, good choice.
Larry: A fucking puppet show? What are you do--
Hank: Say hello to peace of mind.
Hank: This is the original handgun fired by jack lord on hawaii five-o. He gave it to me on my birthday.
Larry: You must be a big fan.
Hank: No. I've never seen it, but don't tell jack.
Hank: Me, neither. Apparently, you just point and squeeze. That's what they tell me.
That's what who tells you?
Hank: Don't ask.
Aren't you the only saturday night live guy without some big movie deal?
Phil Hartman: Larry, I have a slumber party with my obsessed fans. We break out the sleeping bags. Order pizza, watch everything I've done on video, then spend hours talking about me.
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah. I took 10 of my fans on a caribbean cruise.
Corbin Bernsen: You ever do that?
Larry: No.
Writer: What is your worst vacation?
Fred: Uh... I lost $250 in reno.
Writer: Look at that. How?
Fred: Slots.
Writer: Slots!
Larry: That's 'cause you're not on TV every night. You don't know what it feels like. You're not out there having tour buses go by your house with fucking psychos coming in to smell your clothes.
Larry: What do you two assholes have to say now?
[Speaking spanish] Excuse me.
Police: So he, basically, has no idea who I am.
Police: No, he doesn't.
Larry: Yeah. I see.
Artie: If you only had the electrical fence, all you'd have to do now is unplug it and hose it down.
Hank: He had no idea who you were?
Larry: None.
Hank: My god, I'm sorry.
Corbin Bernsen · Larry Sanders: I took 10 of my fans on a Caribbean cruise. You ever do that? No.
Larry Sanders · Corbin Bernsen: Who's the guy with the sunglasses? That's my manager, Mark Gervitz. Get him out of here. He scares me.
Larry Sanders: Larry asks who 'the guy with the sunglasses' is — it's his manager — Larry: 'Get him out of here. He scares me.'
Larry Sanders · Writers: The pitch session collapses as Larry gets distracted by security — drill whirring, locksmith in the room, Larry can't focus
Larry Sanders · Fred (audience member): Fred? Fred? Is it Fred? Yeah. What is your worst vacation? Uh... I lost $250 in Reno. How? Slots. [Chuckles] Slots!
Larry Sanders · Writers · Fred the Locksmith: Writer suggests asking audience member Fred about his 'best vacation' — Larry corrects 'worst vacation' — Fred loses $250 in Reno on slots
Writer · Larry Sanders: What about the Hillary Clinton diary piece? The whole thing is in code. Actually, it's a music box.
Larry Sanders · Writer: Shouldn't it be Bill Clinton diary? He's the president, isn't he? I know. That's not this joke.
Larry Sanders: You think I'm overreacting to this security thing. That's 'cause you're not on TV every night. You don't know what it feels like. You're not out there having tour buses go by your house with fucking psychos coming in to smell your clothes.
Corbin Bernsen · Larry Sanders: We didn't say anything. No, you're insinuating my concentration is fucked. If I'm not mistaken. So, Bill Clinton's diary? I can't think about that right now.
Beverly · Larry Sanders · Corbin Bernsen · Phil Hartman: Larry, Francine just called. The security people caught somebody in your house. Is she O.K.? Just a little shaken. Everything's all right? She's fine. What do you two assholes have to say now?
Francine: No, I don't live here. I just started seeing my ex-husband again, and I always end up staying over here. I don't know why. Consequently, I end up leaving for work from here, which is a pain in the ass because my apartment is right next to my job.
Francine Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Larry Sanders: I was a big fan of Jerry Lewis, uh, even before the telethon. You're probably thinking, how could I like somebody who was so broad? But the Nutty Professor — I don't know — that's neither here nor there.
Larry Sanders: And if you ever want to talk to me or see me, instead of coming here, call Beverly at my office, and she'll arrange for you to spend a few minutes talking to me whenever I can squeeze it in.
Larry Sanders · Officer/Detective: Does he speak any English at all? None. He's from Guatemala. He's only been in the country about four weeks. So he basically has no idea who I am. No, he doesn't.
Officer/Detective: He's broken into several homes around here in the last few days. Random thievery. Probably needs money to bring his family over.
Larry Sanders · Francine: You know, I really feel like an idiot. You're not an idiot. Everybody gets paranoid nowadays. That's O.K. I don't think I was being paranoid.
Larry Sanders: Tour bus drives by after the anti-climactic resolution — Larry stiffens
Hank Kingsley · Artie: What happened? That obsessed fan broke into Larry's house. Oh, my god! If you only had the electrical fence, all you'd have to do now is unplug it and hose it down.
Larry Sanders: And, uh... He was a... You know, mixed-up guy who absolutely just, uh... Understood that we're both human beings. I don't think he'll be trouble anymore. Come on. Don't we have a show to do?
Hank Kingsley: Because it's fucking scary out there. I mean, if you have a demented fan, I have a demented fan. These people watch this show. They see me, half the time.
Hank Kingsley: I have a gun, but Artie won't let me bring my gun anymore.
Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley: It was a completely random burglar. The guy had no fucking idea who I was. No clue whatsoever. He had no idea who you were? None. My god, I'm sorry.
Beverly · Larry Sanders: Larry... Did you tell some Javier he could see you tomorrow? Yeah. Would you get Corbin Bernsen on the phone?
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