Larry's Agent

Larry:What is it, one of those heaven can wait type of movies?

No. No.

Larry:Maybe if we knew that, we could figure out, Ah, it's a so-and-so doll. We'll work backwards.

It's a story about a man who's finding himself.

Larry:Aw, bullshit. It was an excellent show.

Artie:Oh, you always do this when you're renegotiating your contract.

Stevie:Just remember, you've got the network by the balls. They can't do this job.

Artie:Fucking little snot. He's too busy playing with his balls to shake my hand.

Artie:You're always supposed to shake a man's hand.

Larry:Ask me who the guests are tomorrow night. I'd tell you.

Larry:Who are the guests tomorrow night?

Barry:I'd rather not say.

Larry:Ok.

Artie:Not shooting one of those fucking infomercials, are you?

Artie:For one of those infomercials.

Hank:No.

Artie:Telethon?

Hank:No, to go on the road.

Hank:A little soft shoe, you know like Sammy used to do, but with a twist. What's the twist? I'm doing it.

Artie:That's quite a twist, Hank.

Hank:You need a hard surface, and my place has that wall-to-wall shag.

Artie:I'm sure your driveway will do just fine.

Artie:You've sunk all your money in that silly restaurant, and now you're completely fucked. 100% fucked.

Hank:Front row center at the El Toro Civic Arena exactly 4 weeks from tonight.

Hank:"Spinning Wheel," but, you know, with a Latin flavor.

Artie:Hank, you don't open with a showstopper.

Larry:I thought we were going to go after Letterman money.

Leo:Well, Letterman had to leave a network in order to get that kind of money.

'Cause I hear he's getting fucked.

Oh, he's getting fucked.

Larry:I don't know. Would you just pass on that amount? All right.

Artie:Can you feed this young hellcat, too?

Larry:Beverly, this is Stevie Grant.

Stevie:Hi.

Larry:Beverly, my assistant. The voice on the phone.

Beverly:Coming from an agent, I'll take that with a grain of salt.

Stevie:Look out. She's a sassy one.

Stevie:Look out. She's a sassy one.

Beverly:I beg your pardon?

Stevie:She's a client. She's a big pain in the ass.

Beverly:She's very nice.

Stevie:She's a big pain in the ass. She's very nice. Well, she's an actress.

Hank:Your tickets will be at 'will call' under Mr. Stevie Grant, super-agent, plus one.

Stevie:Let's play it by ear, honcho.

Hank:Ok...Big guy.

Larry:Is it my imagination or are you clicking?

Hank:Yeah. These are the, uh, tap shoes. Why? For dancing, silly.

Hank:Call Darlene and tell her I need that 5-pound bag of sand onstage. ASAP.

Artie:He's doing that big tap number from Lawrence of Arabia. It's a killer.

Stevie:Just you, Larry. Good to know.

Artie:I learned how to shake a man's hand before I learned how to wipe my own ass!

Artie:Do you always fuck on the first date?

Artie:You know all Leno's got on Friday? Sandra Bernhard and Carrot Top.

Artie:I told him to go with a samba, not with a salsa, if he's gonna do the Latin thing.

Larry:Isn't it 'come down'?

Artie:He's scatting.

Leo:Just give me my standard 10% of Larry's portion.

Artie:You wash, I'll dry.

Francine:Larry has a dishwasher.

Artie:You rinse, I'll load.

Larry:Not the nuts.

Leo:You know, Leo? Ohhh.

Larry:No. Thick shirt.

Doc:I mean, he shit all over my career.

Larry:Right.

Doc:Just like Ed McMahon, you have an act.

Hank:Well, I wear many hats, you know.

Doc:Now, that's quite an act.

Ok, ok, ok. Now, what's funny about that? Tell Melanie 5:30 instead of 6:00.

He's Italian. She's from Wisconsin.

Macaroni and cheese.

Larry:I like New York. You know, the, uh, museums, the park. You know, you can walk everywhere.

Stevie:I happen to, uh, you know, hate New York. But on the show, you're always talking about what a great city it is.

Larry:Well, um, I also happen to talk about what a great city Jacksonville is because we have affiliates there.

Larry:I happen to hate New York. Well, um, I also happen to talk about what a great city Jacksonville is because we have affiliates there.

Larry:When did this become a 'screw 'em' situation? Just roughly?

Stevie:Who's Francine?

Hank:Yeah. See? Tommy, I think-- See, right there, you know?

Artie:Could be worse. You could be in Leno's band.

Hank:I think I'm just gonna sing the 'bwaa.' I mean, you know, make it like a joke. That's funny, huh?

Artie:Hank has got a pair of cojones the size of Texas. You gotta give him that.

Hank:Do any of you guys have a bassoon in your car or-- A bassoon? Yeah.

Stevie:It's the worst piece of shit I've ever seen. Hey, you should really consider replacing him if New York happens.

Stevie:How can you stand it? It's the worst piece of shit I've ever seen.

Stevie:You're a quadruple threat. You're a singer, a dancer, a raconteur, and a singer again because you're just that good.

Larry:He's 2-faced, and he's weird. He's just plain weird, Artie.

Beverly:Hank fired his agent this afternoon. Because he thinks that Stevie's gonna represent him, right?

Artie:Little prick. Sickening.

Hank:See you Friday, Stevie!

Stevie Grant · Larry:Stevie: 'Trust nobody on this!' — then immediately asks 'Who's Francine?'

Hank:Hank tells the bandleader he needs a bassoon in the chorus — 'Do any of you guys have a bassoon in your car?'

Artie:Artie: 'You could be in Leno's band.' (to the musical director complaining about Hank's rehearsal)

Hank:Hank asks how much the horns would cost — is told the figure — then decides he'll just 'sing the bwaa.' 'Make it like a joke. That's funny, huh?'

Hank:Hank's full 'Spinning Wheel' performance with the 'bwaa' ending and a visible stumble: '♪ Got no money-- uhh! ♪'

Hank:Hank performs the full 'Spinning Wheel' on the stage — live — including the 'bwaaa' and a stumble: '♪ Got no money— uhh! ♪'

Artie:Artie watching Hank perform — 'Hank has got a pair of cojones the size of Texas. You gotta give him that.'

Artie:Artie watching the performance: 'Hank has got a pair of cojones the size of Texas. You gotta give him that.'

Stevie Grant · Larry:Stevie to Larry: 'Hank just forced me to sit through that act of his. How can you stand it? What, that bad, was it? It's the worst piece of shit I've ever seen.'

Stevie Grant · Hank:Stevie to Hank (face): 'It was excellent, Hank. It was just excellent.' / 'You're a quadruple threat. You're a singer, a dancer, a raconteur, and a singer again, because you're just that good.'

Stevie Grant · Hank:Stevie tells Hank his act was 'excellent' and calls him 'a quadruple threat: singer, dancer, raconteur, and a singer again — because you're just that good'

Artie · Larry:Hank fires his agent because he thinks Stevie will represent him; Artie: 'Uh-oh. What, you stick yourself?'

Larry:Larry: 'I hate that little prick. He's a liar. It's sickening, Artie. I don't care if this is the way people do business in show business.'

Larry:Larry: 'Leo's not right either. I don't know what to do. I can't stay with Stevie — he's two-faced and he's weird. He's just plain weird, Artie.'

Larry · Stevie Grant · Artie:Stevie drops a new contract offer, then Larry fires him in the most anticlimactic possible way: 'Yeah, yeah. Ok, then. Good, thanks. Ok, then.'

Larry · Stevie Grant:Larry starts a big speech to Stevie: 'I've been thinking today about a lot of stuff and I have a lot of things on my mind that I want to mention to you...' [Stevie hands him an improved contract offer]

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'Little prick. Sickening.' / Larry and Artie share a beat of silence / Larry: 'Oh, Larry, are we going to the Dodgers game tomorrow night, or is that Friday?' / Artie: 'Friday.'

Larry:Larry (calling out as Stevie leaves): 'See you Friday, Stevie!'