Next Stop...Bottom

Artie:When you have meetings with her lawyer, always wear the same suit. That way they think it's the only one you own. They don't rape you so much on the fucking alimony.

Hank:That is what Chinese man say when he go to dentist. He say, 'uh-oh. Uh-oh, my tooth hurting.'

Hank:Let us blow Mr. Neil Callaham's mind.

Hank:Callaham.

Hank:No, the first one kind of took the wind out of my sails.

Larry:Do I call you Sarah or Sarah Jessica Parker? Or Sarah Jessica?

Sarah Jessica Parker:Whatever you'd like. Really.

Larry:Well, I'll call you Sal.

Hank:You know, we had Patricia Arquette on the show the other night. And she died the death of a dog.

Sarah Jessica Parker:I have a boyfriend.

Hank:I thought we could shoot a few games. You know, I got my own cue and balls.

Sarah Jessica Parker:Well, I have my own cue also. He's in New York, and he'll be flying in tonight.

Sarah Jessica Parker:Besides, Hank, you're old enough to be my father.

Ouch.

Hank:How old is your father?

Sarah Jessica Parker:It's Matthew Broderick. I date Matthew Broderick.

Hank:Hey, hey, no pressure. If tomorrow's better, hey, I'm fly with that. You're fly.

Larry:Oh, you hate being hit on by desperate men, too?

Hank:I got a bottle of champagne at home with your name on it.

And what name would that be?

Brut.

Hank:Oh, I like them small and compact.

Stage Manager:Then why don't you go fuck a Toyota?

Hank:Wow, and a sense of humor.

Hank:Wow, and a sense of humor. No one loves me. No one really cares.

Tight little body. Your breasts.

Hank:Hank.

Assistant:Hank! Come on.

Artie:After my first wife gave me the gate, I went on a binge of sex, drugs, and 180-proof Everclear that lasted for three years.

Artie:After my fourth divorce, I was able to squeeze the same amount of debauchery into a long weekend.

Artie:Shock, denial, fear, booze, boners, acceptance.

Hank:Well, how much just to jack me off?

Prostitute:150 cash up front.

Prostitute:You know, when you go to a gas station, they ask you to pay first, so it's a precedent, you know.

Prostitute:When you go to a gas station, they ask you to pay first, so it's a precedent, you know.

Prostitute:Hey, hey, hey. No. No kissing. I don't work that way.

Prostitute:Used to make cat noises when I blew him. Jeez. You kind of look like him.

Hank:Rrrr. Mmm. Woof! I'm all right. Aiiee. Arf, arf.

Larry:Hank's not doing the show? How will we survive? Will there be a tomorrow? God in heaven, save us!

Hank:I'm in show business, so I'm a little bit of a whore, too.

Prostitute:You calling me a whore?

Hank:I'm not calling you a whore. No, no. I'm just saying that, you know, you're different from the other wh... from the other girls.

Prostitute:One time I did this guy named... uh, what's his name? Andy Richter.

Hank:Get out.

Prostitute:God, you sidekicks are all alike.

Network Executive:A friend of mine said that he saw Mr. Kingsley sitting in a hotel bar with a prostitute.

Artie:Your friend is mistaken.

Artie:He sees a bald man with a hooker. Automatically, it's Hank Kingsley. I wasn't aware Carl Reiner's out of town.

Hank:You only care about me because you're my agent. I pay you 10% to care about me.

Sid:7½%, you cheap bastard.

Sid:You've been married to the same lady for 56 years. I'm thinking of getting out.

Helen:I did him once. In 1956. It was only the one time. Now we're dear, dear friends.

Larry:Darlene, he's hit bottom and broke through to another bottom I know nothing about.

Raoul:Great show last night. You were really funny, as always. Hold on. What's your name? Raoul.

Hank:And that is the effect, apparently, that I'm having on the American fucking viewing public!

Artie:Raul Julia was here?

Hank:Raoul the waiter.

Artie:This is a Beretta 9mm Centurion. You just pick that baby up. It'll do the job for you.

Artie:Listen, I'm gonna give housekeeping 20 bucks. I mean, you won't feel a fucking thing, but they're the ones who are gonna have to suffer.

Larry:No one cares because I'm the boss. The boss has no problems. Sometimes, I swear to God, I feel like I should just end it all.

Artie:You can always blow your head off. Safety's off. Ready to go. The divorce gun.

How close did Hank come to shooting himself?

Artie:Oh, that fucking baby. He started crying the second I pulled it out.

Larry:Gosh, this brings back memories.

Artie:'Gonna share that doobie, sweetheart?' — Artie in the hotel room with Sid's prostitute and Hank, casually asking to share a joint

Artie · Darlene:Artie on the phone: 'Is he OK?' / Artie: 'Darlene, he's hit bottom and broke through to another bottom I know nothing about.'

Raoul · Hank:Raoul the bellhop tells Hank he was 'really funny as always' on last night's show — Hank wasn't on the show.

Hank · Raoul:Hank makes Raoul watch a recording of the show on TV to prove he isn't on it — pointing at the screen: 'I'm not there. Why is that do you suppose?'

Hank:Hank throws Raoul out: 'You get out. And you come back in here, I'll kill you, you little prick.' / Then: 'Raoul. You little... prick.'

Artie · Helen:Artie reunites with Helen at the hotel — she's a sex worker he apparently knew years ago. 'How's Stan and the kids? Beautiful Joanne is in New York doing God knows what. Stan had a bypass operation. That's why I'm back on my back.'

Hank · Artie:Hank's existential breakdown: 'Artie, what am I doing here? What did I do with my life? Who am I?' / Artie: 'You're Hank Kingsley. You're the best goddamn sidekick in the business. And that includes the great Al Gore. Don't you fucking forget that.'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Raul Julia was here?' / Hank: 'Raoul the waiter.' / Artie: 'Oh, man, you're going paranoid. Listen to the way you talk.'

Artie · Hank:Artie produces a loaded gun: 'Whoa, Jesus Christ, is that thing loaded?' / 'You bet it's loaded. This is a Beretta 9mm centurion. You just pick that baby up. It'll do the job for you. It'll be painless, quick. Just put it in your hand, pull the trigger.'

Artie:Artie: 'Listen, I'm gonna give housekeeping 20 bucks. I mean, you won't feel a fucking thing, but they're the ones who are gonna have to suffer. They're gonna have to clean up this mess, so just go on, hurry up! Pick it up! Put your hand on it! Come on! Don't drag this thing out!'

Artie:Artie's actual intervention: 'Aw, sweetheart. Hey, you don't wanna kill yourself. If you did, you would've done it before now.'

Artie:Artie's prediction: 'In a couple of years, you'll be married again, maybe to a strawberry blonde this time. And in a year, you'll get divorced again, and you'll wind up in this very hotel, maybe with Helen.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'That's a real gun?' / Artie: 'What do you think these fucking notches are?' / Hank: 'Oh... gimme the gun, just for a second. I just wanna scare this little shit.'

Artie:Artie presents the gun to Larry: 'You can always blow your head off. Safety's off. Ready to go. The divorce gun. Gosh, this brings back memories.'

Artie:Final talking head — someone asks how close Hank came to shooting himself. Artie: 'Oh, that fucking baby. He started crying the second I pulled it out.'