The Fourteenth Floor

Larry:This will come as very good news to my grandmother who needs a spotter to pick up a spoon.

Larry:listen, when you live in the bay area, it's not easy to say 'bay area man.'

The intoxicated man later tried to convince police he was one of those new, crazy, flesh-eating viruses.

When asked to comment on this, a white house aide said, 'please go away. If she finds out I talked to you, she'll hurt me.'

Larry:'you know, you're too old, you can't see, and you're a woman,' which, by coincidence, is exactly the same excuse Bill Clinton used to get out.

Larry:It's about a father and his 5 wacky kids. It's about a father and 4 kids. It doesn't even add up to 6, and yet it's called... the 6 of us. They're too cheap to hire the sixth guy.

They said, 'well, that's... hopefully, people watch every week to wonder who the other one is.'

Artie:I actually believe that you could replace all of our network executives with chimps and, other than the, uh, hygiene factor going up, why, no one would know the difference.

Artie:Great show, great guests tomorrow, you go home, have a glass of wine, whack off. I'll see you tomorrow.

Artie:Dr. Don! I didn't recognize you with my pants on!

Artie:If you stand up too fast, you'll get hit in the head by the boom.

Artie:His heart's in the right place, but he keeps his brain in a box at home.

Artie:I gave him some candy and a balloon and sent him on his merry way.

Phil:Or maybe we say that you've discovered the network family tree and you pull out this dead little Bush or somethin'.

Larry:I believe that's the same message on, uh, Michael Jackson's answering machine.

Larry:Not always easy for the network to find the chair.

Daniel Palmer:Well, I was in nursery school.

Larry:Oh, so you write as well?

Daniel Palmer:Well, I only know what's on until 8:30 because that's my bedtime.

Artie:Manson had a family.

Artie:Fine. I'll write it up. Have it upstairs by the end of the day.

Artie:Fine. I'll write it up. Have it upstairs by the end of the day.

Artie:The network respects you too much to play that kind of game.

Artie:I've been makin' waves since the midwife tugged me out of my mother's underside.

Artie:we'll kick 'em in the ass.

Artie:Who the fuck do you think I am, Mr. Chips?

If only the arabs and israelis would give cup-a-soup.

Hank:Oh, God! Aiyeee!

I get a bad tooth, he goes to Maui.

Artie:Get off my ass. I'm hungry.

Larry:I heard he's found the lord.

Hank:If I was 10 years on that boat, I'd find the lord, too.

Hank:Gavin mccloud doesn't know one fucking ring from another.

Artie:I already had my... lunch. I had a ham and bourbon sammich.

Larry:Is this the ham talking?

Larry:The little guy with the palsy, right?

Artie:I hope you like it short and uneven.

Artie:No. I'm the goat. They're gonna fire me, see? They say that I can't handle you, so they're gonna bring in their own man.

Larry:Before we get any further into tonight's show, I would like to say that... we've been doing some joking about the network the last couple of weeks, and that is my responsibility. I take full responsibility for it, and if I so overstepped my boundaries and insulted the network in any way, I apologize, and I would like to be a member of the network family again...

Hank:that nice lady is gonna be, uh, tripping over a little thing called a subpoena.