The Fourteenth Floor

Larry:This will come as very good news to my grandmother who needs a spotter to pick up a spoon.

Larry:listen, when you live in the bay area, it's not easy to say 'bay area man.'

The intoxicated man later tried to convince police he was one of those new, crazy, flesh-eating viruses.

When asked to comment on this, a white house aide said, 'please go away. If she finds out I talked to you, she'll hurt me.'

Larry:'you know, you're too old, you can't see, and you're a woman,' which, by coincidence, is exactly the same excuse Bill Clinton used to get out.

Larry:It's about a father and his 5 wacky kids. It's about a father and 4 kids. It doesn't even add up to 6, and yet it's called... the 6 of us. They're too cheap to hire the sixth guy.

They said, 'well, that's... hopefully, people watch every week to wonder who the other one is.'

Artie:I actually believe that you could replace all of our network executives with chimps and, other than the, uh, hygiene factor going up, why, no one would know the difference.

Artie:Great show, great guests tomorrow, you go home, have a glass of wine, whack off. I'll see you tomorrow.

Artie:Dr. Don! I didn't recognize you with my pants on!

Artie:If you stand up too fast, you'll get hit in the head by the boom.

Artie:His heart's in the right place, but he keeps his brain in a box at home.

Artie:I gave him some candy and a balloon and sent him on his merry way.

Phil:Or maybe we say that you've discovered the network family tree and you pull out this dead little Bush or somethin'.

Larry:I believe that's the same message on, uh, Michael Jackson's answering machine.

Larry:Not always easy for the network to find the chair.

Daniel Palmer:Well, I was in nursery school.

Larry:Oh, so you write as well?

Daniel Palmer:Well, I only know what's on until 8:30 because that's my bedtime.

Artie:Manson had a family.

Artie:Fine. I'll write it up. Have it upstairs by the end of the day.

Artie:Fine. I'll write it up. Have it upstairs by the end of the day.

Artie:The network respects you too much to play that kind of game.

Artie:I've been makin' waves since the midwife tugged me out of my mother's underside.

Artie:we'll kick 'em in the ass.

Artie:Who the fuck do you think I am, Mr. Chips?

If only the arabs and israelis would give cup-a-soup.

Hank:Oh, God! Aiyeee!

I get a bad tooth, he goes to Maui.

Artie:Get off my ass. I'm hungry.

Larry:I heard he's found the lord.

Hank:If I was 10 years on that boat, I'd find the lord, too.

Hank:Gavin mccloud doesn't know one fucking ring from another.

Artie:I already had my... lunch. I had a ham and bourbon sammich.

Larry:Is this the ham talking?

Larry:The little guy with the palsy, right?

Artie:I hope you like it short and uneven.

Artie:No. I'm the goat. They're gonna fire me, see? They say that I can't handle you, so they're gonna bring in their own man.

Larry:Before we get any further into tonight's show, I would like to say that... we've been doing some joking about the network the last couple of weeks, and that is my responsibility. I take full responsibility for it, and if I so overstepped my boundaries and insulted the network in any way, I apologize, and I would like to be a member of the network family again...

Hank:that nice lady is gonna be, uh, tripping over a little thing called a subpoena.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry asks 'Who the fuck do you think I am, Mr. Chips?' when Artie makes a homework joke, Artie replies 'OK. Sorry. Good-bye, Mr. Chips.' / 'Ta-ta.' / 'Ta-ta, Mr. Chips.'

Hank · Larry:Hank's on-air segment: presenting a bouquet and 'Lipton Cup-a-Soup' to the network as a peace offering

Larry:"If only the Arabs and Israelis would give Cup-a-Soup."

Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley:Larry on air: 'is that an assortment of cup-a-soup, or is that just one kind?' / 'It's an assortment, which I think clearly proves we've come in peace.'

Hank · Receptionist:The receptionist tells Hank she can't let him through without a name or extension number

Larry:Larry's off-mic 'Blow by her, Hank' — coaching Hank to barrel past the receptionist

Hank:Hank trips over a cable, falls, and injures his ankle — live on television during the peace mission broadcast

Larry:Larry's increasingly panicked on-air handling of Hank's fall: 'Hank? Hank? Did his earpiece fall out? Hank. Don't...please don't touch my ankle! ...Let's cut. Let's come back. His earpiece has fallen out. We'll apologize to the network another...another time.'

Hank Kingsley:Hank trips over the cable, falls, and screams 'Oh, God! Aiyeee!' on live television

Larry Sanders:Larry on air: 'His earpiece has fallen out. We'll... we'll apologize to the network another... another time.'

Hank:Hank confronts Larry after the sketch: 'This is what happens when you screw around with the network. Innocent victims get caught in the crossfire.'

Artie:Artie to staff: 'I don't need a bunch of butt-licking pencil-pushing pissants pissing my day away! Now get the hell upstairs before I introduce the point of my boot to your collective asses! Get!'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Good looking prosthetic.' Hank: 'Not the foot. The circus of the stars.'

Hank · Artie:'They're going with Gavin McLeod.' / 'I heard he's found the Lord.' / 'Oh, who hasn't? If I was 10 years on that boat, I'd find the Lord, too.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:'I heard he's found the Lord.' / 'Oh, who hasn't? If I was 10 years on that boat, I'd find the Lord, too.'

Hank:"Gavin McLeod doesn't know one fucking ring from another."

Hank:Hank reveals the network offered him a consolation prize: being shot out of a cannon by Barbara Eden

Larry · Hank:Larry: 'I hope you turned them down.' Hank: 'Of course, I plan to. But just in case, are we on hiatus the week of the 23rd?'

Hank · Larry:Hank reveals Larry has already taken Hank's prescription painkillers: 'Yes, but I checked with Beverly. You already have the ones they gave me.'

Artie:Artie's 'ham and bourbon sammich' lunch

Larry · Artie:Artie's speech: 'You've been biting the hand that feeds you and the hand's gonna come right up and smack you right upside the head.' Larry: 'Is this the ham talking?'

Artie:Artie reveals the network's punishment: replacing Larry's stylist Kristoff with 'Ernie, the guy that does the guys in the news department — the little guy with the palsy.'

Artie · Larry:Larry: 'I hope you like it short and uneven.' / 'Well, I'm certainly not going to apologize under some threat. What are they going to do, fire me?'

Artie:Artie: 'He's gonna stand right next to that monitor glaring at you with his ear wired to the 14th floor.'

Larry:Larry's on-air apology: solemn, personal, seemingly sincere — structured as a real apology with full accountability

Artie:Artie taking Melanie's congratulatory call: 'It was a magnificent apology, wouldn't you say?' — then relaying: 'It was meant to be a joke.'

Hank:Hank's post-fall interview: 'That nice lady is gonna be tripping over a little thing called a subpoena.'

Larry Sanders:Larry's closing rant: 'these people... they just think they can push us all around because, ooh, they're the network. The network people. Idiots.'

Larry:Larry's editorial during the post-show debrief: 'These people, if you don't mind my...they...they just think they can push us all around because, ooh, they're the network. Idiots.'