Arthur

Larry Sanders · Artie:I didn't know Harrison Ford did impressions. His Carol Channing was terrific. / It was. You know, Patriot Games should have been a musical. He could have played all the parts.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Shirley Jones was gonna tell the story about Marty Ingels at K-Mart. / Perhaps she was nervous and forgot. / It doesn't matter. The woman's a babe.

Larry Sanders · Artie · Hank Kingsley:I hope no one heard that. / Good show tonight. / Like you saw it. / I watched it in your office. / Really? What was your favorite part? / The monologue. / There's a monologue in every show. / I really watched it tonight.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Network meeting. Come on. / No. No! / Come on. Come on. It's the network!

Artie · Larry Sanders:Fine. You just go home. I'll come over later and stick a red hot poker up your ass. We'll call it even. / Okay. You have my address, right? / And your poker size.

Artie:I don't know if you know, but Hank Kingsley does a hell of a lot of fine commercial work. He does the adjustable bed. He does the medical alert necklace.

Larry Sanders · Artie · Melanie Parish:The thing is, Hank does too much commercial work. He's way overexposed. His saturation level is very high. / He's doing the Green Giant spots. / Is that Hank? / You can't really tell because you only see him from the knees down. / I didn't know that. Hank's the fucking Green Giant?

Larry Sanders · Sheldon/Melanie · Artie:What would the commercial be for? / The Garden Weasel. / That is no way to talk about Miss Parish.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Look who's here. Don't look. I think she saw you look.

Artie · Larry Sanders:I swear I killed her in the war. / You used that line yesterday. / It's not a line. It's a real concern.

Larry Sanders · Artie:I don't feel right about doing this commercial. / You don't want to do it? Just say the word. I'll take care of it. / I'll take a shot at it. / It's just that I don't even own a Garden Weasel. Never used one. It's a little unethical, don't you think? / Unethical? Geez, Larry, don't start pulling at that thread. Our whole world will unravel.

Artie:Unethical? Geez, Larry, don't start pulling at that thread. Our whole world will unravel.

Artie · Larry Sanders · Melanie Parish:A few glitches, but overall a terrific show. / Very funny. / Oh, Miss Parish. We need to talk. / Sure. I thought the commercial went great. I managed to say mulch and...

Artie:Rumor has it this is a very funny guy. When you ask Larry Sanders to do a commercial, you get Larry Sanders.

Larry Sanders · Artie:You know the truly frightening thing? / What? / I'm really turned on right now.

Artie · Dog Trainer/Robert Hays · Artie:Do you think you can deprogram him? / Well, it's not really deprogramming. It's behavior modification through positive reinforcement and treats. / I understand that. I used to be single.

Dog Trainer · Artie:What behavior do you want me to correct? / All of it.

Robert Hays · Jeannie/Larry · Artie:My God, a somersault! Where did you get this dog? / Well, we had a trainer on my show. He had a wonderful dog act, and then I fell in love with the dog. / Bill was getting ready to retire. / Bill Acres? / Yeah, I think that was it. Bill Acres, yeah. / I'm sorry, but no. This is a superbly trained animal. I can't touch him. That would be like painting over a Picasso. / I'm sorry. I have to leave.

Artie:Chopper. / Door.

Melanie Parish · Larry Sanders · Artie:What's your problem? I think it bugs you to take orders from a woman. / If you were a guy, I'd take you outside right now. / If you were a guy, I'd go. / As a rule, I don't hit women. / But this rule doesn't apply.

Melanie Parish · Artie:You don't have any problems with women. How many times have you been married? / How many times have you slept with Sheldon?

Larry Sanders · Artie:That's a beauty. / I know. I was tying my shoes this morning, I walked into the door, bumped my head. / No, that's what really happened. / All right, a woman hit me.

Hank Kingsley · Beverly · Larry Sanders · Artie:How many times have you been married? / Well, everyone in the loop knows. / You're kidding? / Hey, guys. / Hey, Hank. / Whoa, what a shiner! What happened to you? / Melanie Parish hit me. / No, really. Softball? Doorknob?

Hank Kingsley · Artie:What happened to you? Melanie Parish hit me. No, really. Softball? Doorknob? Doorknob. Oh.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Look, Shel, there's something I want to say about doing the commercials with Hank, and I want... / What Larry's gonna say is... / No, no, Artie. What I'm gonna say is no. I can't do these commercials. This has gone on long enough. I'm not comfortable doing these. By the way, unless we're all fucking blind, I stink at doing them.

Artie · Melanie Parish · Artie:Any thoughts? / No, but I'd like to... / I'm not sure anyone wants to hear what you gotta say, young lady.

Artie:Don't take this as a threat, but I killed a man like you in Korea, hand to hand. / My boy doesn't want to do any more commercials. From now on, you'll talk to me.

Artie:Don't take this as a threat, but I killed a man like you in Korea, hand to hand. My boy doesn't want to do any more commercials. From now on, you'll talk to me. Understood, my friend, Shel?

Larry Sanders · Sheldon · Artie · Larry Sanders:You sure? / Sure. Don't worry about anything. / Sheldon, if you really want to try this once or twice, no problem. / Really? / Artie?

Artie:All those years in the merchant marine have served you well, Paula.

Unknown male staffer · Artie · Larry Sanders:Do you want me to make Spade fall in love with me, then hurt him? / He can. / No. Thanks, though.

Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley · Artie:I was so upset last night, I had to take a Halcion. / Aren't there side effects to that stuff, Artie? / Sure. I saw Buddy Ebsen's head floating over my dresser. But he vanished. Slept like a dream.

Artie · Larry Sanders:He was in here last night. / Where? Here? / In here. / What's he doing in here? / I asked him to stop by. / Why? / I thought it was a nice thing to say. / I didn't know he'd actually do it. / You mean come in here? / Yes. / Amazing.

Artie:I'm surprised you didn't smell Leno's cologne on the little rat bastard.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Fuck him. He's off the show. / I thought it'd take you another ten minutes. / What are you gonna do now? / Wanna get something to eat?

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Listen, wasn't Karen great in that stewardess sketch last night? / No, Hank. No matter what she did to you, we're not having her back.

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Sometimes when they have a family with just four people, they slap on a fifth person and make them a cousin or whatever. / They do that? / Hush-hush.

Darlene (receptionist/PA) · Artie:Why is Larry so mean? What is he, 'Sadge'? / Larry can do what he wants to do. Spade really hurt his feelings.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie on not wanting to talk to Spade: 'You don't wanna talk to the little prick?' Larry: 'No.' Artie: 'Good.'

Artie:Me and my cold Vulcan logic.

Artie · Larry Sanders:How did it go? / Good. I gave him that whole manager/agent shit. / And he bought it? / Of course.

Artie · Larry Sanders:He said it was his manager and agent? / That's what he told me. / You bought that horseshit? / Are you kidding? I told him we'd wait a couple months, and then we'd book him again. We'll bump him a few times. He'll get the message.

Artie:Post-hockey segment, Artie deadpans: 'The audience loved it. Just great. Props.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie describes 'the tarantula arm races': dead fly on head, sit still, spiders race up each arm to reach it

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie repeats the spider stunt summary three times at Larry's request, each time shorter: 'Dead fly, comme ca, spiders, race, arms, head.'

Artie:Artie: 'This is a show biz tradition. Gigantic fuzzy insects crawling on your body, lions crapping in your lap. It's great television.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie chases Larry out while repeating 'Huge laughs. Huge laughs. Huge, rolling-in-the-aisle laughs.'

Artie:Artie calls after Larry: 'Get outta here, you big, successful talk show host.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry corrects Artie: 'They're roller coasters.' Artie: 'Call it what you like. I'd never get on the damn thing.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie to Larry: 'You know, talking to you is like talking to you.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'I can't go on with this spider thing, Arty.' Artie: 'Listen, consider it canceled.' — immediate, no hesitation

Artie:Artie identifies a Quick Light Briquets commercial featuring Hank and makes a joke: 'Let me guess. This is Quick Light Briquets, is it? The fastest light in the West. Fire 'em up, partner.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Artie asks Hank to do the spider stunt 'instead of Larry' — claiming Larry himself requested it

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank: 'This isn't happening because Larry knows I'm unhappy, is it?' Artie: 'You're unhappy?'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'Between you and me, I'm relieved. I looked like an idiot in that loincloth.' Artie: 'Between you and me, I think I saw your balls at one point.'

Artie:Artie to Hank about the meeting with Larry: 'For God's sakes, come in.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie · Darlene:Hank enters and immediately says, 'I'm sorry. If you and Darlene are talking, I can always come back.' Artie: 'I am not talking to her. Come in.' Darlene: 'Tell him why you were here.' Darlene: 'I don't remember.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank discovers the hockey cup in Larry's office: 'What is this?' Artie: 'That's my cup from the hockey segment.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank anxious before air: 'Listen, this Steve, this spider guy... is he on the up and up?' Artie: 'Don't worry about it, Hank. The spiders are real. ...He had some concern about an allergic reaction.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:After the chaos: Artie to Larry: 'Come on, it was great, Larry.' Larry: 'We killed $75,000 worth of spiders, Arty.' Artie: 'We got $100,000 worth of laughs.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Artie: 'It wasn't a sketch. It was a massive spastic fuck-up.' Larry: 'Tomato, tomato. It was broad physical comedy. It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw look like a big piece of shit.'

Artie:Artie: 'It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw look like a big piece of shit.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'Well, I did overcome my fear, didn't I?' Artie: 'Yes, for a second... until you flung that poor creature to a fiery death.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'But in a funny way.' Artie: 'For a hundred times, yes.'

Artie:Artie signs off: 'Huge laughs, Hank. Huge laughs, Larry. Huge.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie to Larry: 'Great show. That was good.' Larry: 'Did you watch any of it?' Artie: 'Not really. Hee Haw was on.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry and Artie's 'lake trip' negotiation: Artie tells Larry not to bring the trades, Larry defends his Malaysian box office numbers — 'You can't believe what it's doing in Malaysia. It's through the roof.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:The 'one sleeping bag' story: 'The one sleeping bag thing didn't work.' Artie: 'First time I heard a complaint.' Larry: 'Last summer, it was, "Oh, the sounds of the woods."'

Artie:Artie to Sheldon after Hank's disaster audition: 'Shel, please, go easy on him. He has a fragile ego. Don't mention the name Rupert Pupkin.'

Artie · Dana Carvey:Artie showing Dana around the office: 'She's the one who reminds me I can't say "cocksucker" when I'm a guest. Now you're the host, so feel free.' Dana immediately: 'Cocksucker.'

Dana Carvey · Artie:Dana initially refuses to use Larry's office ('I couldn't use Larry's office'), then Artie says 'you're a big shot now' and Dana immediately sits down with 'Well, you are right, yeah. A big shot. I like that.'

Artie:Artie on NBC: 'NBC can eat shit and die. A little promotion on our show won't help that sinking ship.'

Artie · Dana Carvey:Larry's 'Special citation from the U.S. Marine Corps for entertaining the troops during the Gulf War.' Dana: 'You guys went all the way over there?' Artie: 'Oh, yeah. We sent a videotape, but nonetheless...'

Dana Carvey · Artie:Dana reads Larry's award: 'Special citation from the U.S. Marine Corps for entertaining the troops during the Gulf War.' 'You guys went all the way over there?' Artie: 'Oh yeah. We sent a videotape, but nonetheless...'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Artie watches Dana's performance in awe. Larry: 'Come on, anyone can do a monologue. Byron Allen does a monologue.'

Artie · Sheldon:Artie to Sheldon, watching Dana charm Herve: 'He made Herve Villechaize seem funny, but without making fun of him.' Sheldon: 'But, you know, he's... It's not like he's doing anything special...' Artie: 'I don't think that this is really Dana's thing... hosting.'

Artie:The 'de plane, de plane' moment — Artie says it under his breath, as a private joke to himself about Herve, while arguing Dana isn't doing anything special.

Artie:Artie enters, clapping: 'Hey, you clods. Who died? Hey, I'm just kidding. If someone did die, I was making a joke. Sorry.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry learns CBS has offered Dana a talk show of his own after ONE night of guest hosting.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry discovers Dana has moved his desk. Artie explains: 'Mr. Carvey said there was a draft in this corner.' Larry: 'A draft?' — then asks if Dana is taking the CBS offer, and: 'Thanks, Mannix.' [to the assistant who gathered no information]

Artie:Artie: 'Mike Connors, good friend of mine. He'll be on next week.' [said as if booking Mannix himself is the natural follow-up to the 'Thanks, Mannix' joke]

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'Who's gonna tell the little old church lady?' [about telling Dana he can't host] — then adds: 'I thought you two were friends.' [to Artie] 'Fine, I'll tell him.' [pause] 'Where's this draft, by the way?'

Artie:Artie, stage-managing: 'Let's move the dwarf palm stage left.' / 'Oh, your left.' / 'Listen, if you find out who's fucking with these plants, I want to know.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Artie's feedback to Hank on his guest-host audition: 'Some of the things you do are not quite right.' Hank: 'But what? I am open to any constructive criticism. Please, help me to help you.'

Artie:Artie giving Hank feedback: 'Hank, you speak very slowly. There's a slow cadence to your speech that's great in a supporting position, but you...' [trails off without finishing the criticism]

Artie · Larry Sanders · Dana Carvey:Confronting Dana about the CBS offer: Artie saying 'Just answer the question, you little asshole' while Larry tries to frame it diplomatically.

Dana Carvey · Artie · Larry Sanders:Dana, under pressure to say if he's taking the CBS offer: 'All right, I can't say.' Artie (seething): 'He can't say.' Larry: 'He can't say.' The three of them loop the phrase, and then Dana says: 'I'm not taking the deal with CBS.' Beat. 'I'm taking the deal at NBC.'

Larry Sanders · Artie · Dana Carvey:'He can't say.' 'He can't say?' 'No, he can't say.' 'He can't say.' — Larry and Artie repeating Dana's evasion back to each other.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie: 'I saw it coming.' [re: the NBC deal] Larry: 'I didn't even know about the NBC thing.' Artie: 'I saw it coming.' Larry: 'I hate this fucking business.'

Larry Sanders · Dana Carvey · Artie:Larry: 'I'll prove it to you. Why don't you co-host the show with me tonight?' Dana: 'There's not room for two guys at the desk.' Larry: 'Okay, guest sidekick. Be the guest sidekick.' Dana: 'What about Hank?' Larry: 'Thirty seconds.' [to Artie] 'Arty, tell Hank...' Artie: 'Okay. It's all taken care of.'

Artie:'Visually, the guests get lost in all the plants. It's like a jungle out there. Sometimes when I flip past the show on TV... it looks like an old Tarzan movie.' Horseshit!

Artie:This isn't about those plants. This is about me. I am those plants, goddamn it.

Artie:It's Demerol, you ass, and tequila. It's a good mix.

Artie:If somebody farts in the Xerox room, I've heard about it. Listen. Nothing gets by me. Nothing.

Artie · Hank Kingsley:What the hell's in your ear? — Earring. — Get rid of it, for God's sake. — I can't. Larry wants me to keep it.

Artie:Never get sick. If there's one cardinal rule in show business, it's 'Never get sick.' It's when you're down, when you show the slightest weakness... that they slip that knife in your back.

Artie:Drink it, or I'll knock you to the floor, step on your neck and piss in that good ear.

Artie:I have to admire that little Iago... Jonathan Littman. He played it brilliantly.

Hank Kingsley · Artie:What's gonna happen to me? / Too sad to even think about. / Oh, God.

Artie:Fuck me.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Hello, you worthless piece of shit! Don't worry about us. We have options. Does the name Sally Jessy Raphael mean anything to you? — 'Sally Jessy Raphael'? — Yeah, 'Cousins Will Fuck' is the first topic.

Artie:Yeah, but that knife was wielded by a relative stranger.

Artie:Larry fuckin' cares about your fuckin' eye! He wouldn't fuckin' care... if that infection ran straight into your brain... swelling it to such a grotesque size that the skull bursts like a ripe honeydew melon. I saw a case like this in Korea once. It was a horrible, painful way to die.

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Yeah, the screams still haunt me. — So where's your friend now? — Yeah!

Artie · Larry Sanders:Yeah, the Whiz Kid! I put up with such shit from this memo. — Get off it! You couldn't wait to get that butthole buddy of yours in here because you don't want anybody in here who will challenge you!

Artie:You couldn't wait to get that butthole buddy of yours in here because you don't want anybody in here who will challenge you! You don't want anybody... You just want people that fear... suck up to you!

Artie:Lee and I are going to buy that place we always dreamed about in Puerto Vallarta. Sitting on a veranda over the blue Pacific... watching the sunset... counting the pelicans.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Remember that day... when we spent the entire morning readjusting these damn plants? — Listen, you are the one that wanted these plants. — But then you got upset... because you said you couldn't see the Hollywood sign or the sunset. — Well, you know... Well, the sunrise. — Sunset. It's a nighttime show. — We're facing east, so it's actually the sun rising. — West.

Artie · Larry Sanders:You considered that stuck-up little shit, didn't you? — I had every right to consider him. — Damn right you did. I taught you well.

Larry Sanders · Artie:I am not so sure I should've invited her back. — It'll be fine. Special chemistry between you two.

Unknown colleague · Artie:We're gonna have a drinkski. Do you want to join us? — No, but glad to hear the Russian lessons are working out for you.

Artie:Try the veal. I don't care that they live in cages. It's out of this world.

Artie:You know, if Hank does well he gets a year's supply of Turtle Wax.

Writer · Artie:Batman gets old. He's got the Bat-walker. He's got the utility truss. His mind is totally gone. He steps out of the Batmobile... And? And, and he... We've got nothing.

Beverly · Artie:Larry, the Bangles want to reunite and they want to do it on your show. — I don't know. It's such a shame. The heavy one has such a pretty face. — Arthur, that's Wilson Phillips. — Or the Temptations. Can I talk to you? — Where the hell's Meat Loaf? Get him. Meat's a good boy.

Artie:Where the hell's Meat Loaf? Get him. Meat's a good boy.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Right there. I'm flirting. — What flirting? — Look at the way I'm grinning there.

Artie:This is like watching the Rodney King tape. Don't make me watch this anymore.

Artie:I have seen the hand on the hand done many times. I, myself, have done it with Gregory Peck. Trust me, I felt nothing.

Artie:You don't want to do that. He's had septic problems with that place.

Artie:Leno will be jealous. I think he's just got that has-been Julia Roberts on.

Artie · Larry Sanders:If I feel you're getting into any dangerous flirting territory with Mimi, I'll make a signal like this. — I'm not gonna be able to see that. Like what? — That? I'm not gonna see that. You do that all day long anyway.

Artie · Larry Sanders:You got out of it this time. — I did? — Yeah. She's singing 'Camptown Races' with a guy who carves soap.

Artie:You could sit and talk to them. You think that'd be less painful?

Larry · Artie:Do you think that stain on his pants is from the gumbo? I don't think so.

Artie · Larry:Does the name Kim Novak mean anything? Get outta here.

Artie · Larry:Yeah, but Kenny Stabler? He played football... Basketball... I know.

Larry · Artie:You should thank Arty anyway. He's the one who wrote it. He put it on the cards for me. I just read it off the cards. Where it would have stayed had you not read it.

Artie:That was a low point, even for him, wasn't it? I'm surprised she came out. She was... Jane Russell?

Larry · Artie:Isn't he taking this a little seriously this time? Fuck it, it's free cake. We can't miss this.

Larry · Artie:I say he goes right into the cruise director story. Bet you a hundred bucks it's the telephone story. You're on.

Larry · Artie:Don't leave me alone with Hank. I'll be listening on the speaker phone. I'll be with you spiritually.

Artie:It's me, Larry, Arthur. [long pause]

Artie:I don't know. I have no idea how I got on the phone. I was eating a sandwich in my office when suddenly I heard you guys.

Artie:How's my old buddy, Hank? [offered while clearly listening in]

Artie · Hank:The trend in talk shows today is not to have a sidekick. Yeah, it is a dying art... but I've been having talks with Dick Cavett about co-hosting.

Hank · Artie:What's he doing? He has his own talk show on CNBC. CNBC? What the hell is that? What's that mean? No, my TV stops at channel 13, the way it's supposed to.

Artie · Larry:Jesus, Larry, I could have gotten us a nice table at Musso's. I didn't want anybody to see us, that's all.

Artie · Larry:I have breakfast with Fred Dryer early in the morning. Oh, boy, you must be excited. I bet you won't sleep all night.

Shel · Larry · Artie:He wants a five percent raise, he wants gross percentage points, he wants three weeks additional paid vacation, and he wants a Hankmobile. What's a Hankmobile? It's that golf cart I told you about last week. I smell urine here.

Shel Davidoff · Larry Sanders · Artie:He wants a five percent raise, he wants gross percentage points, he wants three weeks additional paid vacation, and he wants a Hankmobile. / What's a Hankmobile? / It's that golf cart I told you about last week. I smell urine here.

Artie:The poor baby. He seems happy.

Artie · Larry:You did have that offer to go on after Nightline, didn't you? [pause] Fuck no.

Artie:The monologue was awful. A piece of shit, but you're hilarious when you're bombing.

Jerry (Head Writer) · Artie:– Everybody but you, of course. – Shut up.

Kyle · Larry Sanders · Artie:– Great show, Mr. Sanders. – Thank you, man. Kyle, thanks. – Kyle. – Thank you again, Kyle. – Who the hell is that? – Kyle. – I assumed. But who the hell is he?

Artie:I'll check. [beat] Have a good evening, gentlemen.

Larry Sanders · Artie:– What's with those two? – Peas in a pod. – Lesbians? – No, just friends. – Close friends.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Ever since they were in that car accident four years ago. One of them can't get through a metal detector. – Which one? – Which one do you think? How would I know? I don't even know who Kyle is.

Artie:Don't worry about Kyle or who's full of metal and who isn't. Just concern yourself with the weightier issues. Suzanne Somers tomorrow. Do you want her to bring the ThighMaster?

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank asks for a floor monitor next to him so he can follow the show better. / But you're on the show.

Artie:We'll just give you a hot dog and a beer and you can sit there and watch it on a little TV like those guys do at a ball game.

Artie:That's a tragedy. / You didn't appear hampered, and you did a wonderful job. One of your better efforts, in fact.

Artie · Unknown staff member:– Hey. Artie. – Yeah. – What's he want, a dog?

Larry Sanders · Artie:– It's about Jerry and Sally. – Fucking. I know. / I knew you knew. But do you know where? / Behind your desk. That's new carpeting, that little prick.

Artie:Kicking ass in the morning is better than cappuccino.

Artie:It's taken us eight years to disconnect you the way you always wanted to be. So keep this in mind: If I connect you, you will be connected.

Larry Sanders · Artie:– Fine. Then connect me. – Fine. / – Connected you will be. – Good.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Do you ever notice that we get caught up in a certain kind of thought process? / Thought process? / Yeah, thought process. / What thought process? / Like the one we're involved in now. / We should try and put a stop to it. / Fine. / Stop it we shall do.

Larry Sanders · Artie:I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm really beat. / Why don't you just lay down, take a little nap. / Yeah, what the hey.

Artie · Larry Sanders:It's not too late to take you out of the loop. / I said it went fine. / You enjoy being connected? / Interesting. / Yes.

Artie · Hank Kingsley:– Hey, Hank. – Jesus. Come here. – Listen... – Come here! – Don't make me look at your car again. – Look! / [they watch Jerry and Sally in the parking lot together]

Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders · Artie:That little rat bastard. I thought you had a talk with him. / I did. / Hell of a lot of good it did. / If he bangs her any harder, the air bags are going to inflate.

Larry Sanders · Artie · Hank Kingsley:Hey, you little shit! Enjoy yourself, 'cause you're going to be fired! / Look. It didn't even faze him.

Artie:Not that I haven't done it in a car in a parking lot... but Jesus Christ!

Artie · Peter Falk:This is delightful. Just delightful. / I know this guy, your producer. He's bad news. / Yeah? / 'Delightful'? Delightful, my ass. / I'm sorry you had to have this son of a bitch on the show. / You wanna go? Let's go! Right here, right now! / I love this son of a bitch!

Larry Sanders · Artie · Peter Falk:Sorry you had to see this, Peter. / Yeah, what you must think of us. / Well, it's nothing I haven't seen before... / but not in a room full of 250 people.

Jerry (Head Writer) · Phil (Writer) · Larry Sanders · Artie:– You son of a... – Son of a what? – Son of a bitch! – You taking a little nooky break? – Thank you. – You've been riding my ass all week! – Hello? Meeting? – I've been saving your ass! – Saving my ass? My ass! / Jesus, go get a job on The Byron Allen Show. / Bump it down three points.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Sorry. Artie, you gotta disconnect me. / You couldn't fire Johnny Big Balls? / It's a lot more than that. These people, they're like leeches, I'm telling you. They sense a life force, and they just suck the energy out of you. / You gotta help me. / I warned you, didn't I? / It's harder to disconnect than it is to connect.

Artie:Lorne Michaels and I go back to when he was trying to get his green card. We're like that.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Listen, I told Paula not to put her mother in a nursing home. / See, that's where you and I really disagree, now, okay? / She's 53, fit as a fiddle. / I did not know that.

Hank Kingsley · Artie · Larry Sanders:Guys, excuse me. Have you seen Darlene? / What's the matter? / Just a little newsletter mix-up. / I saw Darlene. She was FedEx-ing a whole stack of these things. / [Hank reacts in horror]

Artie:Artie: 'What's the problem? Hank's still breathing, isn't he?'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Artie: 'Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I have... I'm not that open and communicative at home. Maybe I have an intimacy... Dr. Ruth is just back from Africa. I'll book her tomorrow night.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'It's not a sexual problem, Artie.' Artie: 'Whatever you say, but I don't want you to be upset. Tonight we have Catherine O'Hara and the great Billy Crystal.'

Artie · Paula:Artie: 'Wonderful, Miss O'Hara. If only every show could start as nicely as this evening's has. Effervescent. Only one word: Effervescent.' / Paula: 'Yeah, well, you said it twice there.'

Artie:Artie: 'If they cross two or more time zones, that's a rule of thumb. Probably gone for good.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'Everything's fine. She was in the bathroom. I couldn't talk to her.' Artie: 'Back in five!' Larry: 'The show is a torturous, miserable hell.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie interrupts the spousal crisis to give Larry guest-prep notes for Billy Crystal, down to the specific second: '...35 seconds...'

Artie · Jeannie Sanders:Artie: 'Larry's a good man, but he is a performer. And you should try to think of a performer as a small, helpless child.' Jeannie: 'No, Artie. I have sex with him.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Artie: 'I'm so sorry.' [beat] Hank: 'Not now, Hank, please.' / 'Red alert.' Artie: 'Forgive me, Jeannie. Beverly, escort Jeannie backstage please. I've got some fine chocolate truffles from Luxembourg right on the monitor.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Artie to Hank: 'I hope for your sake you're not crying wolf.' / Hank: 'I think it's either the lighting or the fact that the crew is talking backstage during his interviews.' Artie: 'He's fighting with his wife.' Hank: 'About the lighting?'

Artie:Artie: 'I've got some fine chocolate truffles from Luxembourg right on the monitor.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie: 'What you're going through is not altogether bad for the show. Why don't I have an argument with my wife every night? Maybe. That's up to you. But all I can tell you is that we've got half the anniversary show right here!'

Artie:Stage manager: 'Larry, I tried to stop her. I think she's leaving.' Artie: 'No, lad. There's only seven minutes left in the show!'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank: 'Fuck 'em.' Artie: 'What he means is schmooze 'em.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry proposes two weeks at the Hanau Maui Ranch as a solution to the marriage crisis; Artie immediately responds with the sweeps week guest list: 'It's sweeps. We have Schwarzenegger, Roseanne without the husband...'

Artie:Artie: 'But that's exactly how I would have handled it.'

Artie:Artie: 'We lost the clip.'

Artie:Artie: 'Delightful! This is the best show we've ever done!'

Artie:Artie, post-show: 'Delightful! This is the best show we've ever done!'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Stage manager says '40 seconds, Larry' and Larry echo-responds '40 seconds, Marty' — then someone says 'Better go find some good jokes.'

Artie · Mrs. Sanders:Backstage: 'His timing really sucks tonight.' / 'He's off.' — while someone else says he's 'on' and 'very strong stuff.'

Artie · Staff:The 'toilet monitor' — the group decides to go watch the show at the monitors by the toilet, and someone says 'Toilet monitor is busted, boys.'

Artie:Artie, asked how Elaine is: 'She's halfway to her ideal weight, whatever that's supposed to mean.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'What restaurant are we going to?' / Artie: 'Your house.' / Larry: 'Your House? What is that, a new Chinese place?'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Artie: 'The place I sleep in?' — Larry, confronted with the concept of his own home.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'Be there or be square.' / Artie: 'I can do both.'

Artie:Artie hears Beverly is being promoted and goes through a long, slow reaction beat: 'Beverly's being elevated?... Oh, yes, I remember... That's... interesting.'

Artie · Guest:Artie and his date arrive separately from their 'dates' — Artie was having Chinese, his companion was watching Ghost — they meet on the doorstep having come from different places.

Artie · Elaine (Artie's wife):We were having Chinese. — We were watching Ghost.

Artie · Jeannie · Larry Sanders:Artie says Ghost is Larry's favorite movie — Jeannie confirms he cries at the end 'when he finishes with his mission on Earth and has to go back to heaven' — Larry denies it but immediately needs to go to the bar.

Artie:Artie about the kid bartender: 'Just because Cheers was a hit, every asshole thinks he can mix a drink.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'That is not... I am an animal. I'm an animal, huh, Artie? I'm an animal.' — seeking Artie's endorsement of his masculinity.

Artie · Larry Sanders:I gotta pee real bad. / Hey, would you mind using the bathroom downstairs?

Larry Sanders · Artie:Someone is filming the party without permission. Two characters react: 'What the... Get out!' and 'as soon as I finish this Salty Dog, I'm gonna rip that camera from his hands and tear him a new A-hole.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry to Artie about women: 'I don't understand women.' / Artie: 'I agree. Here. Have a Salty Dog.' / Larry: 'No, I—' / Artie: 'Drink it, you pussy.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank tries to excuse Shauna leaving early: 'It's just that, you know, Shauna's a little tired.' / Artie: 'That is something more than tired, Hank.' / Hank: 'She's overtired.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:'She's your wife. Could you go in there, tell her to open the goddamn door?' — Artie's five-marriage context immediately follows.

Artie:Artie tries to get Jeannie to open the door: 'Jeannie, the last thing this house needs... is tough love. Jeannie, open this door!'

Artie:Five marriages.

Artie:Every 30 days, they take their thumb out of their ass, scribble down numbers. It's all bullshit.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Is this a low number, 4.2? / It's not the size of the number. It's the motion of the ocean.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Oh, for God's sakes, Artie. I wish you were a woman. / I'd feel a little better when you say that.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Where's Rush Limbaugh on here? / Look, he's below Mengele. / It's alphabetical.

Artie:Arsenio is going insane trying to please every viewer. Did you see in Entertainment Weekly where he said he's gonna kick our ass? Yeah. That's why I have someone walk me to my car at night.

Larry Sanders · Beverly · Artie:I don't think the three of us know what you mean, Beverly. / The guard who was a problem this morning? No longer a problem. / Let's flip all the cards and tell us exactly what you're trying to say. / They fired the guard who wouldn't let you in this morning. / Beverly, I did not want that guard fired.

Larry Sanders · Artie:I've been thinking. I'd like to try that focus group. / Oh, my God! This is a likability issue again, isn't it? / No, it's my ass. Of course it is.

Artie · Larry Sanders:If 20 random people decided that you'd look better with a crew cut, would you get one? / Yes. / Fine. We'll do the focus group.

Larry Sanders · Artie:That was completely uncalled for. / This is nice.

Artie:If they do cry, I'm sure you'll be very funny. You have been in the past. The harder they cry, the funnier you are.

Artie · Richard Simmons:Larry and I have a little pressing business to finish here. / That's okay. I'll just leave. Your hands are freezing. Bye!

Larry Sanders · Artie:I have too much eyeliner on, don't I? / Just because a focus group will be watching this show tonight doesn't mean we'll do anything that we don't usually do.

Artie:There isn't one person in here I haven't seen on America's Most Wanted. I'm telling you, we should be making a phone call right now.

Focus Group Member · Larry Sanders · Artie:Why doesn't he have Howie Mandel on? Howie Mandel cracks me up. / I told you we should have booked him. / Call him tomorrow.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Oh, this is... I can't watch this. / You wanted to do it. / Now I know why Baywatch is in the top ten.

Artie · Larry Sanders:The sooner you start liking yourself, you won't care what other people think. / Great. Then I'm totally fucked.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Artie describes Garth Brooks: 'He's a sweet kid, good old boy. Chicks seem to dig his sound.' Larry: '"Chicks seem to dig his sound"? Artie, I don't wanna keep you. I know you have Twiggy waiting at your pad.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry asks Artie: 'Does this hat make my ass look fat, by the way?' Artie: 'Horse-hocky. Everybody looks good in a cowboy hat.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry and Artie defending Ernest: 'Oh, that's Ernest. He's funny.' / '"Hey, Vern." "Whattaya say, Vern?" He's a pisser. We gotta get him on the show.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry's team watching the news report: 'What was he buying?' Larry: 'Turn it off.' 'He had a big bottle of Excedrin.' Larry: 'You wanna playback?' 'No, turn it off.' 'Giant size.' Larry: 'Artie, please?' 'And a jar of...' 'Do you recognize that woman?'

TV Reporter · Artie · Larry Sanders:He had a big bottle of Excedrin. / Giant size. / And a jar of... [Larry trying to shut it off] / Artichoke hearts.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry explains his grocery store visit: he had tunnel-vision headaches, bought Excedrin and 'some artichoke hearts, 'cause you know I love those.' Artie: 'Artichoke hearts? Ever try 'em in a salad? They really add zing.'

Artie:Artichoke hearts? Ever try 'em in a salad? They really add zing.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'The woman must have seen me in the market, and she makes up this story, like she's clearly delusional and pathetic.' Then Artie draws the Letterman stalker comparison — 'instead of a house, it was a supermarket. Instead of Letterman, it was you. Instead of breaking in, she got pushed. Instead of New York, LA.'

Artie:Artie reveals he got the security tape because 'Mary Hart sent it to me. I fished a dead bird out of her spa on the Fourth of July. She owed me a favor.'

Artie:Artie on whether to exploit the scandal: 'Personally, I lean toward nipping, but on the other hand, this is the sort of thing that might have kept Dennis Miller on the air for another week or two.'

Artie:Offscreen: Larry has been locked in his office for almost three hours. 'Maybe he's taking a nap.' Artie: 'Larry does not sleep during the day.' Staff member: 'I can hear him moving around in there. He's been sighing and...'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Larry! Buddy, open up! / Go away, Artie. / What are you doing in there, pal? / I'm vivisecting a choirboy. Why don't you call John Tesh?

Larry Sanders · Artie:Through the locked door: Artie: 'What are you doing in there, pal?' Larry: 'I'm vivisecting a choirboy. Why don't you call John Tesh?'

Artie:Artie tries to lure Larry out: 'Fred Savage is on. His voice is changing. You'll get a lot of fun out of that.'

Artie:Artie continues: 'And we've got this great dog who drinks coffee while he smokes a cigarette. You gotta see this to believe it.'

Larry Sanders · Jeannie Sanders · Artie:I no longer rise. / We should move to Montana. / That's bullshit.

Larry Sanders · Norm · Artie:Norm pitches having Carol on the show to apologize: 'Why not have her on the show and apologize to her?' Larry: 'I swear to Christ, this is brilliant.' Then: 'The only way you're gonna get better ratings is if you marry Hank on the air.' Norm: 'God, you're a sick fuck.' Larry: 'Thank you.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'Well, gee, if you wanna get your attorneys involved, I certainly can get my lawyer.' Artie (off-stage): 'Easy, easy, big man.'

Artie:Artie (off-stage) reframes the fridge: 'maybe you can help him ease his guilt by accepting a beautiful, beautiful present from Antarctic.'

Artie:Don't diminish yourself. Anyone with less talent would've tried to interrupt.

Larry Sanders · Artie:That was a fluke. The guy cares less about the show every night. Hank doesn't know a thing about the show till he's on the air. He feels it keeps him spontaneous.

Artie:Of course. He's a fucking moron. What do you expect?

Larry Sanders · Artie:Or if she does the... I know where you're going. Got it.

Beverly · Artie:It's a candle in the shape of your head. It's a good likeness.

Artie · Larry Sanders:He wrote a book about how to train your dog. It took two years to write this book. It's about dogs! To people or to dogs?

Artie:Paula says his animals are like children to him, which I find very sad.

Artie:Now, LaToya, she could circle. There's a gal that could be circling for years. Feel free to put that in your monologue.

Artie:I'm your friend.

Artie:And now, 'fresh from her Rhythm Nation tour, please welcome...' Dear God, if there's any justice in this world... 'Janet Jackson.' Don't write that part.

Artie:I would settle for Tito at this point. I just want you to know that.

Artie:You said he'd be here ten minutes ago. What if we copter him in? What do you mean, there's no helicopters? For God's sakes, tell 'em he's a burn victim. If he were a kidney, he'd been here an hour ago.

Larry · Artie:'Jesus! Are you laying in your own puke?' (Artie's entrance, apparently disheveled)

Artie · Larry:'We have an excellent show tonight — supermodel Kathy Ireland and two mystery guests.' / 'Who are they?' / 'It's a mystery.' / 'They don't need to be a mystery to me, Artie. I'm the host.'

Artie:'I'm not going to the bathroom for two hours. Let me see them.' (about the trades with Emmy nominations)

Larry · Artie:'I'll bet you Billy Crystal hosting the Academy Awards.' / 'What's the other one?' / 'A Jackie Mason Hanukkah, Artie?'

Larry · Artie:'Cable shows should be a different category. We're slipping.' / 'Absolutely not.' / 'I'm not blaming you.'

Artie:'Cancel. Move on.' — Artie doubles down with TV-production language applied to the marriage

Artie · Larry:'Walk it off.' / 'Walk it off?' / 'Cancel. Move on.' / 'Why don't I just put ice on it? It's a marriage, for God's sakes!'

Larry · Artie:Larry and Artie both start purring when told Kathy Ireland is trying on wardrobe

Artie · Larry:Artie and Larry both start purring/eagerly responding to news that Kathy Ireland is trying on wardrobe

Artie · Larry:Artie's speech to get Larry to go see Kathy Ireland: 'Supermodel, costume changes, fittings... anything could happen.' Larry: 'Oh, as attractive as you make it sound.'

Kathy Ireland · Larry · Artie:Larry's paralyzed response to Kathy Ireland — shoe conversation: 'What do you think of my shoes?' / 'They're great. Open-toed. Mine are closed-toed—' / 'I like all your shoes.'

Kathy Ireland · Larry · Artie:'I feel embarrassed talking about my photos. I have a new movie.' [Pause] 'The last paisan.' 'I saw it twice.' 'It's not out yet.' 'I hear you're wonderful.'

Larry · Artie:'Until we get this show on track, I have no dick.' / 'No dick? Check.'

Artie · Larry:Ratings discussion: 'Remember, Koppel had the Buttafuocos.' / 'Jesus, he's dipping into the toilet.' / 'I agree.' / 'Why didn't we get the Buttafuocos on?' / 'They turned us down.' / 'Good. They're not right for the show anyway.'

Artie · Larry:'That's going to be Hank.' / 'If it's Hank, why isn't Hank here?' / 'Hank has one line, and it's his name. You think he can do that without a rehearsal?'

Larry · Artie:'Isn't Cap in a Can funnier than Hat in a Can?' / 'Cap in a can. Ha! You're right! That's funnier. Cap in a can!'

Larry · Artie:'How would the brim know to come out of the can before the rest of the hat?' / 'Are you actually questioning the reality of this?' / 'If I don't, who will?'

Artie:'I'm pissing in my pants, conceptual flaw and all!'

Artie · Larry · Staff member:Artie on how many divorce jokes he has: 'A couple.' / 'How many?' / '200.' / 'He's been working on them since 1989.'

Larry · Artie:'I won't even get the dog.' / 'No, no. Lee Marvin lost everything but the dog.'

Artie:Artie's son has been arrested for possession; Artie immediately says: 'Call my lawyer. I hope bail becomes tax-deductible. It should with that hippie in the White House.'

Artie:Artie's direction to cameraman: 'No more tight shots of Larry, goddamnit. His eye is leaking like Niagara Falls. Stay wide. Stay wide.'

Artie:'You can't buy those kind of fuck-ups, Larry. You hear the audience? What do you want?'

Artie:'Racquetball, two weeks.' — Artie's post-cardiac-episode prescription for Larry

Larry · Staff member · Beverly · Artie:Larry dictating how get-well responses should be signed: 'Should I put Best wishes or Thanks for caring?' / 'Ah, your choice.' / 'Beverly, please.' / 'Oh, leave him be, Beverly.'

Artie · Larry:'Maybe just as well it didn't go anywhere.' / 'I won't book her anymore.'

Artie:This show is the most highly advanced video dating service in the world.

Artie · Larry:Besides, left to your own devices — ooh, you don't pick winners. You talk about it like it's the track.

Artie:Jeannie pulled up lame, and that crazy filly Francine should have been shot in the infield.

Artie:Eddie? / Steve. / Aw, shit. Sheriff's station? / No, emergency room. / Oh.

Artie:Larry, I'm sorry, I can't watch you do this to yourself. If you think dating a bunch of actresses is gonna turn your life around, we'll just have the cardiac ward reserve a room for you right now.

Artie:Listen, Steve. Jesus christ. You better grow up, you son of a bitch. This is America. You don't get caught. You don't ever plead guilty. You hear me, you asshole?

Artie:My place in Malibu, just you and me — no chiquitas, a few glasses of port, some fine cubanos, maybe, I don't know, a couple of porno tapes. How about a ball game? You wanna do that?

Larry · Hank · Artie:Yeah. You, me, Artie. What do you say? / That's great. Like the old days. / Yeah. I don't know what old days you're talking about, but that general idea, yeah.

Artie · Larry:Who's that? / It's a woman. / Yecch.

Artie · Larry's assistant/colleague:Red alert, Artie. Why? Well, Steve — / Larry is talking to Francine. / Oh, Jesus! I'll call you back. / Who let the crazy bitch in here? / I have no idea. She's gonna fuck him up for weeks.

Artie · Francine:[Beep] Larry, it's Artie. I know you went to dinner with Francine, but, Jesus, God, lad, I'm warning you, don't have sex with her. / Larry?

Artie:Artie's post-show ritual of blame-deflection: 'The audience was shit, huh? The sound was no good? It's too hot in here? The show was fine.'

Artie:Artie cataloguing his own drunk ex-wife visits: 'I've knocked on ex-wives' doors when I was tanked up and horny. God bless those four ladies.'

Artie:'That woman smashed your People's Choice Award... Why take it out on the award? The fucking people gave you that award.'

Artie:Artie whispers 'Big mistake. Big, big mistake.' as Larry goes back on stage

Artie:'These Baldwin boys seem to be multiplying like fucking jackrabbits.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:'A man with no arms playing the piano. True triumph of the spirit.' / 'What's he play with?' / 'With his ass, I suppose.'

Artie:Artie's escalating graphic description of what Larry will picture during the interview: '...you blink, and you see him screwing your lovely Francine. You see her face. You see his face slobbering in her ear. You see legs all entangled. You hear the grunts.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:'If I cancel, don't I look like a jerk?' / 'No. Paula looks like a jerk.'

Artie:'Big mistake. Big, big mistake.' — Artie repeats his mantra as Larry flip-flops on canceling Baldwin

Larry Sanders · Artie:'What color is my tie?' / 'Blue.' / 'That part is. That's the part I was looking at.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie visits after the show; Larry claims he and his wife didn't watch the broadcast. Artie: 'Horseshit. She's already got you lying to your friends again.'

Artie:Artie hovering over what he claims is his 'Christmas card list'

Artie:Artie arrives at Larry's house to find the Francine list situation. His reaction to the two-page, 85-100 name list: 'Jesus Christ, that's hefty. It's a two-pager at least.'

Artie · Francine · Larry Sanders:Artie's entrance upon seeing Francine: 'Francine, what a delight to see you, my dear. We've all missed you. You've done something with your hair.' / 'I cut it shorter.' / 'You're looking well yourself.' / 'How's, uh...' / 'She's just doing wonderfully. I'll send her your regards.'

Artie:Artie exits with 'If you don't mind, excuse me. I have a paycheck to earn.' — allowing the awkward reunion

Artie · Larry Sanders:I still say you should go with a 12-foot electrical fence. I think that's a little gaudy. Gaudy, hell — fry the motherfuckers.

Hank Kingsley · Artie:You guys look like the two-Captain-Kirk episode from Star Trek. Right, 'Incident on Rigel 7.' 'Don't endanger the ship, Spock. Kill us both.'

Artie · Larry Sanders · Look-alike Winner:Hey, what the fuck are you doing? He's sniffing my jacket, Artie. Just to see what cologne Larry wears.

Artie · Hank Kingsley · Fan/Stalker:Artie physically wrestling the stalker; Hank trying to stop him — 'Easy, Artie! Sit down!'

Artie:The guy looked like Linda Hunt.

Larry Sanders · Artie:I just can't believe I spent the money to move the bathroom. That was a wise decision, kiddo. Who wants to walk that far in the middle of the night to take a shit? That's what I was figuring.

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Artie confiscates the gun from Hank at the door. 'And Jack's people are putting in metal detectors at the studio entrances. So, Hank — hand it over. This? [pause] I'll hang on to this. Thank you. Sorry.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:What happened? That obsessed fan broke into Larry's house. Oh, my god! If you only had the electrical fence, all you'd have to do now is unplug it and hose it down.

Larry · Artie:Larry immediately backstage tells Artie he handled the Levinson interview poorly; Artie says 'You always do this when you're renegotiating your contract'

Artie:Artie: 'Fucking little snot. He's too busy playing with his balls to shake my hand. You're always supposed to shake a man's hand.'

Artie · Hank:Artie challenges Hank's request to use the stage: 'Not shooting one of those fucking infomercials, are you?'

Artie · Hank:Artie's escalating guesses: 'For one of those infomercials.' / 'Telethon?'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'Some songs, a few jokes, a little soft shoe, you know like Sammy used to do — but with a twist.' Artie: 'What's the twist?' Hank: 'I'm doing it.'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'That's quite a twist, Hank.'

Hank · Artie:Hank explains he can't rehearse at home because 'my place has that wall-to-wall shag'

Artie:Artie: 'I'm sure your driveway will do just fine.'

Artie:Artie: 'You've sunk all your money in that silly restaurant, and now you're completely fucked. 100% fucked.'

Artie · Hank:Hank: 'Artie, please.' / Artie: 'Aw, shit. All right, Hank.'

Hank · Artie:Hank invites Artie and Elaine to 'front row center at the El Toro Civic Arena exactly 4 weeks from tonight'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'What are you opening with?' / Hank: '"Spinning Wheel," but with a latin flavor.' / Artie: 'Sounds like a showstopper.' / Hank: 'Oh, it is. It is.' / Artie: 'Hank, you don't open with a showstopper.'

Leo · Artie · Larry:Leo's contract offer reveal — Artie says 'No offense' before showing the number, Artie says 'None taken' at the network's low offer

Larry · Leo · Artie:Larry: 'It's not Leno money, is it?' / Leo: 'Oh, no, no. It's much better than that.' / Larry: 'Cause I hear he's getting fucked.' / Leo: 'Oh, he's getting fucked.'

Larry · Leo · Artie:Larry: 'Let's talk about Sanders money.' / Leo: 'What does Arsenio get?' / Artie: 'Too much.'

Francine · Leo · Larry · Artie:Larry's ex-wife (Francine) walks in and immediately invites Leo to dinner at Larry's house without asking Larry

Artie:Artie [French accent]: 'Can you feed this young hellcat, too?'

Larry · Artie:Larry (after Leo leaves): 'What? Wasn't I supposed to invite him?'

Larry · Artie:Larry: '5-pound bag of sand?' / Artie: '5-pound bag of sand.' / Artie: 'He's doing that big tap number from Lawrence of Arabia. It's a killer.'

Artie:Artie: 'Jeez, I learned how to shake a man's hand before I learned how to wipe my own ass!'

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'He's got a different style, that's all.' Larry: 'That kind of style got men fragged in the corps.'

Artie:Artie: 'Good at what? Lunch?'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'He got us Bill Murray for Friday.' Artie: 'No shit? That's right.' / Artie: [yells] 'You know all Leno's got on Friday? Sandra Bernhard and Carrot Top.'

Artie · Hank:Hank singing through the air vent: 'Talking 'bout your troubles...' — Artie's commentary: 'I told him to go with a samba, not a salsa, if he's gonna do the Latin thing'

Larry · Artie:After the Stevie signing, Larry frets about Leo: 'Leo will not take this personally, huh? Right?' Artie: 'Oh, no.' Larry: 'I mean, he'll understand, won't he?' Artie: 'Of course.' Beat. 'Poor Leo.'

Artie:Artie: 'Poor Leo.'

Larry · Artie · Hank:Hank (through vent): '...Must come 'round...' / Larry: 'Isn't it "come down"?' / Artie: 'He's scatting.'

Artie · Francine:The Leo dinner scene: Artie asks for ice cream, Artie: 'Dairy clogs me up, Francine. I'll stick with my salty dog.'

Artie · Francine · Leo · Larry:Larry confesses he had lunch with Stevie Grant; Leo reacts; Artie immediately offers to help with the dishes: 'Francine, you wash, I'll dry'

Artie:Artie: 'You could be in Leno's band.' (to the musical director complaining about Hank's rehearsal)

Artie:Artie watching Hank perform — 'Hank has got a pair of cojones the size of Texas. You gotta give him that.'

Artie:Artie watching the performance: 'Hank has got a pair of cojones the size of Texas. You gotta give him that.'

Artie · Larry:Hank fires his agent because he thinks Stevie will represent him; Artie: 'Uh-oh. What, you stick yourself?'

Larry · Stevie Grant · Artie:Stevie drops a new contract offer, then Larry fires him in the most anticlimactic possible way: 'Yeah, yeah. Ok, then. Good, thanks. Ok, then.'

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'Little prick. Sickening.' / Larry and Artie share a beat of silence / Larry: 'Oh, Larry, are we going to the Dodgers game tomorrow night, or is that Friday?' / Artie: 'Friday.'

Artie:Producer narrates the behind-the-scenes doc: 'We'll walk through a typical day on the Larry Sanders show. You'll see what a producer actually does — not that bullshit taught in college.'

Hank · Artie · Kevin:Hank, mid-sentence about the 'crucial' day, spontaneously offers a UCLA student a Hankerciser as a memento of the show.

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Young people are a delight. They're the hope for a new tomorrow.' Larry: 'And eventually they'll try to steal our jobs.'

Hank · Artie:Hank demonstrates the Hankerciser in the hallway by extending it, with the students watching, while Artie tries to keep the tour moving.

Artie:Artie's lesson described: 'This is how I inspire the class. It's a lesson called, "If Hank can do it, anyone can."'

Artie:Artie narrates the documentary: 'What Phil and Jerry are doing on this typical day is writing promos for the affiliates... We'll shoot those this afternoon.' Shot of writers staring at nothing.

Hank · Artie · Larry:While taping Dallas promo, Hank interrupts Larry mid-sentence to talk privately. Artie: 'Don't mind us, Hank. Pretend we're not here.' Hank: 'Alone, goddamn it!' Students are shuffled out.

Artie:Artie to the students during the chaos of the promo shoot: 'We've set up a lovely cheese tray in the green room. Let's go sample it.' No one moves. 'I said let's all go down and have some fucking cheese.'

Artie · Producer:Artie asks how much longer the UCLA students will be around. When told it should be their last day, Artie says 'Fine,' then 'Fine' again after being told again — implying he is deeply done with this day.

Artie · Hank:Artie's final documentary narration: 'Hank? Yeah. Sit down.' [pause] 'And I think today is what I consider to be a typical day at the Larry Sanders Show.' [Hank mutters: 'Shit...']

Artie:There's a goddamn house sitting right here in the middle of the road! Don't ever move to Malibu, it's a fucking hellhole.

Artie:Even if I have to shove that goddamn house into the ocean myself.

Artie:The network wants Larry to give a plug for their new saturday night rock-'n'-roll video fuck-fest, whatever it is.

Artie:Don't tell Darlene, or she won't function all day.

Paula · Artie:Didn't they break up, like, two years ago? / Two years is two days Darlene time.

Artie · Paula:Have a glass of wine. / I'm not much of a drinker. / You don't have to drink it, Paula. Just walk in front of the audience with it. They see you're relaxed, it relaxes them.

Larry · Artie:Artie, welcome back. 2 minutes left? How's it going? / Interesting. / Hank's doing card tricks. / Oh, Christ!

Artie · Larry:Let Hank finish the trick. / All right, Hank, let's finish the trick. / Normally, I don't like magic... Same with a porno film... but in this case, let's take a shot.

Producer/Staff Member · Artie:The koala bear peeing on Larry is much funnier. / Horse shit. We used that on last year's anniversary show. It's classic.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry immediately reverses the clip decision: first says use monkey in clip package and koala as bumper, then immediately agrees when Artie flips it

Artie:Let's get rid of the fucking blue curtain. Jazz things up a little. Let's get a red curtain, maybe with a stripe.

Artie · Hank Kingsley:I'm afraid our boy is getting pussy-whipped. / Artie, ix-nay on the ussy-whipped-pay. / Quite right, Hank. Inexcusable. Forgive me, ladies.

Artie · Beverly:Beverly, would you please call Larry? / Absolutely. / If he's not at his house, try Yoko's place.

Hank Kingsley · Artie · Francine:Hank repeatedly announcing 'I am very concerned about Larry's lack of interest in the show' — three times, each time cut off with 'Not now, Hank'

Artie · Hank · Larry Sanders:And a different ending, like in Ghost, where he walks into the light and he says, 'You can take love with you.' / Hmm. Or the ending in Green Card. / Mmm. Better.

Artie · Producer · Larry Sanders:The meeting progressively replaces Larry as the lead of his own movie: Harrison Ford → Gerard Depardieu → Mike Myers

Artie · Larry Sanders:Gabriel Edmonds, steelworker, hit by a freight train, developed psychic powers. / I remember him. What happened to him? / He went insane. / Mm-hmm. / He was killed in a gun battle with the police. / That's a little heavy for me. / No, no. Actually, it's funny.

Producer · Artie:The 'perfect project' for Larry: Gabriel Edmonds, steelworker hit by a freight train who developed psychic powers, went insane, and was killed in a gunfight with police.

Artie · Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley:...Goes on the Larry Sanders Show. / I'd be playing myself? / You wouldn't be playing Hank.

Artie · Larry Sanders:For four decades I've heard people talk about how shitty TV is and how great movies are. Fuck 'em. Do what you're best at. That's what makes you a success. / What's up your ass?

Artie · Larry Sanders:I know you had this big movie meeting today. Word gets around. I'm sure you can make a deal anywhere in town. / As a matter of fact, the meeting went great. / Fine. Go ahead and see how you like spending 14-hour days in a trailer playing gin rummy with your hairdresser. Go ahead. / I will. / Good. / Good. / Good, then. / Good. / What's the next clip?

Artie · Larry Sanders:You and Hank eating pie. [Audience laughter from the clip]

Artie:Hear that live audience laugh? You won't get that making movies.

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'She wasn't wearing underwear, was she?' / Larry: 'That shook you up, didn't it?' / Larry: 'I stunk the rest of the show.'

Artie:Artie offers to 'kick his parasitic ass into the street' before immediately catching himself: 'That's how I started in show biz — sometimes I revert, ok?'

Stan · Artie:Stan: 'I was jerking off the other day. Steam came out.' / Artie: 'I've had that happen too.'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Hey, the old partner meets the new partner.' / Hank: 'The ex-partner.'

Artie:Artie: 'Who are we trying to avoid?' — upon being told it's the Chrysler meeting

Artie:Artie: 'I should have been at that dinner.' / Artie: 'Temp worker, my ass. He's a stone hustler.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'Could we try not be so cynical?' / Artie: 'I'm being realistic, buddy. You've just stepped in a huge pile of shit named Stan Paxton. You're tracking it all over my office.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'It's our office, Artie.' / Artie: 'No. It's your show, it's my office!'

Stan · Artie:Stan's monologue joke about a baby in LA weighing 7,000 pounds due to lead content in the water — the writers' room reaction: 'Yeah. He sold it. He sold it well.' / Artie: 'He should give the crowd a fucking receipt.'

Artie:Stan: 'Stan, shut the fuck up.' — Artie ordering Stan to silence himself

Artie · Beverly:Artie: 'I've got to go alone. I've got to clear my head, all right?' / Beverly: 'I'll just hang here by the door like some crapper gargoyle.'

Artie:Artie (watching the Hank restaurant pitch): 'Fuck me. Someone just fuck me right now.'

Artie · Larry:Artie to Larry: 'You don't help alcoholics by giving them everything they want.' / Larry: 'I don't give him everything he wants.' / Artie: 'Why can't you confront people?'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Maybe if you'd told him that back then, maybe today Stan would be Hank.' / Larry: 'That's a horrible thing to say.' / Artie: 'I wouldn't wish that on anybody.'

Artie · Larry · Beverly:Artie about the steaks: 'Fucking crime to — you don't ruin a beautiful piece of meat.' / Then: 'Artie, I'm firing Stan tomorrow.' / Artie: 'Good. Giving a guy like that everything he wants is not helping him.' / Larry: 'I don't give him everything he wants.' / Beverly (off): 'Where is the beer?'

Artie:[Stan's tape ends — Larry turns off the TV] / Artie: 'Well, my guess is that tape did come out of his ass.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'Fuck it. Let's put him on.' / Then: 'All right.' / Then: 'We can't put him on.' / Artie: 'Damn right we can't.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Is he, uh...' / Larry: 'No, he even bungled that. He missed. He shot off the top of his left ear.' / [Snickers]

Hank · Artie · Larry:Hank's competing versions: ear vs. shotgun — 'I have friends at Memorial Hospital. He put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.' / Artie: 'Bullshit! It was his ear.' / Hank: 'What friends?'

Larry · Artie · Stan:Stan asks about health insurance. Larry asks Artie. Artie shouts: 'No health plan!' [Door slams.] / Larry: 'Uh, stan, I guess there's some procedure.'

Artie:Artie to Larry about Hank: 'Jesus, did you see how Hank was all over Hefner? He did everything but hump his leg.'

Artie:Artie about Carson's house: 'Great house. Yes. You could stand on the roof and watch Angie Dickinson sunbathe.'

Larry · Artie:Larry and Artie debate taking a plant from the set. Larry: 'It's a Mediterranean ficus. It's a very classy plant. Look perfect by your fireplace.' Artie: 'Think so? Yes. No.'

Artie:Artie delivers his note to Hank about the Playboy shoot: 'It'll be very tasteful... No bush.'

Artie:Artie insists on keeping the Playboy shoot 'low profile' because 'Larry Sanders is the star here, goddamn it.'

Artie · Larry:Larry defends his house as tasteful; Artie looks around and says: 'What is this? That's a head carved out of rock. This looks like the junior suite in the Four Seasons.'

Artie:Artie on where to put the African violet: 'In the crapper.'

Darlene · Larry · Artie:Darlene explains she did the test photos: 'There was no one there but me and the photographer.' Others: 'Some slimebag, right?' Darlene: 'No. She seemed nice.' Others: 'She?'

Artie · Larry:Response to Darlene's Amazing Clifford revelation: 'The more I hear about this, it sounds to me like there's little difference between Hank and the Amazing Clifford.' Then: 'Clifford probably dresses better.'

Artie:Artie's note to Hank: 'Shouting out the names of some of this country's finest men's publications outside the ladies' crapper is not low profile.'

Artie:Bernadette Peters reference: 'Miss Bernadette Peters is down that hallway in her dressing room.' — said as context for why screaming is bad.

Artie:Artie, being slowly drawn into the Architectural Digest photo argument, imagines the shot: 'Wouldn't a picture of me and her look really nice? With your arm around your lady with a big bouquet of baby's breath behind you.' Then snaps back: 'Whoa, horsie, whoa. You got me sucked in for a second.'

Artie · Larry:Artie exits: 'Brad Pitt's in the green room. I'm going to see if he's as cute as everybody says.' Larry: 'You're gonna be disappointed.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:'Brad Pitt's in the green room. I'm going to see if he's as cute as everybody says.' / Larry: 'You're gonna be disappointed. You'll see.'

Artie:Artie to Darlene about standing next to Hank: 'Standing next to Hank, you'll come off like Carl Sagan.'

Artie:Artie: 'I've never told many people this, but I knew Marilyn Monroe. We were friends.' Then: 'She was very self-conscious till she learned how to use her beauty as an asset.'

Artie:Artie's self-description: 'I've got a face that cracks mirrors. That's why I'm a producer.'

Artie:Artie's final pep talk note: 'If you're going to do this, do it for yourself and no one else. Especially not for fucking Hank.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'Artie, they cut me out, those cocksuckers.' Artie laughs: 'Oh, I'm sorry, Hank. It's America's loss.'

Artie:Artie's reaction to the idea of appearing in Architectural Digest with Larry: 'Just Larry and me in a decorating magazine? People might get the wrong idea. I would.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders · Francine:Larry's girlfriend is now in the photo: Artie directing the photographer — 'Max, with this lighting, I'd use an f-8 stop.' Then Hank arrives uninvited and is immediately invited into the shot over Larry's objections.

Larry · Artie · Hank:Artie to Larry about Hank: 'Might be fun to get you and Hank on the couch.' / Larry: 'I don't want him in the picture.' / Multiple voices: 'Come on, Larry... the more the merrier.' / Larry: 'I don't want him in—' / 'It's just a little picture.'

Artie:Larry and Artie react to the Architectural Digest feature: 'This is fucking bad timing that Darlene's article came out the same day as yours. Otherwise, everyone would be bent over your desk instead of Darlene's.'

Artie:Artie: 'I've already signed yours.' — implying he already autographed Larry's Architectural Digest copy, unsolicited.

Hank · Artie:Hank sees the Architectural Digest issue and shouts 'Those fuckers! Fuckers!' while Artie calls from off: 'Low profile, Hank!' and Hank continues: 'Bunch of fuckers!'

Artie:Artie on Mike Patterson: 'He spent the whole time kissing Joel Grey's ass.'

Artie:Artie on practical jokes in the writers room: 'Sure, you know, the old thumbtack on the chair, peanut butter in the wallet, whatever the fuck you guys are always giggling about in there.'

Artie · Phil:Artie's reveal that Mike is arriving in half an hour, after Phil has been arguing for 'dialogue' and consensus

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie on firing a writer: 'Just want to throw them all in the cage together and see who survives?'

Artie · Beverly:Artie on Louis XIII cognac: 'After four sips, he fell asleep at the Christmas party.' / 'Exactly. That's what Larry likes to do.'

Artie:The cognac order mix-up: Artie ordered Louis XIII, received Grand Orsage — 'Grand Orsage? Larry doesn't drink that shit. It's like hot piss.'

Artie:Artie's wine joke about 'Julio Gallo': 'They gave Julio Gallo a very nice funeral. The only problem was when it was time to close the casket, nobody could find the cork.'

Phil or Jerry · Artie:Response to Artie's Julio Gallo joke: 'The eulogy was subtle but fruity?' / 'No, that's bad.'

Artie · Jerry:Artie's list of Jerry's professional misconduct: 'You come in late, take naps, pick girls out of the audience lineup for their numbers, and have fucked at least three interns — one right out there behind the fucking desk.'

Artie:'You have to be a genius to get away with that kind of stuff. So — you're not getting away with it, jer.'

Jerry · Artie:Jerry's dawning realization: 'Oh my god, it's me.' / Artie: 'That's right.' / 'Don't sweat it, kiddo. It's a good deal. You're getting fired. They have to pay you for a month.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie through the earpiece: 'Knock that shit off, you guys.' / Larry: 'Sorry, Artie. Listen, I picked that fucking goddamn tie out myself. Which one of you guys has got a problem with that? That's what I thought.'

Artie:Artie's phone call rage mid-episode: 'Cognac! Booze! Hooch! Huh? Oh, go fuck yourself.'

Larry Sanders · Artie · Hank Kingsley:The Louis XIII reveal — it's $1,100 a bottle, $75 a shot, 'the last bottle in the western U.S.' — and Hank immediately claims he chipped in on it.

Artie · Jerry:Artie: 'I'm watching you, Jerry.' — repeated twice as Jerry tries to hug people

Larry · Artie:Larry, watching Jerry leave through the parking lot window: 'I'm better than this. I gotta talk to him.' Artie: 'Let him make a clean break.'

Artie · Larry:Oh, fucking moron — leaving us to go on tour with Amy Grant. Jesus! / Artie, he found God. / Blah, blah, blah.

Larry · Artie:What are you doing? What are you-- / I'm just-- I just want you to-- / Musicians are needy people. I think the last thing we want around us, especially you, is needy people.

Artie · Larry:You're fired. Ha ha ha! / All right. You see, now, that's funny.

Artie · Larry:You'll call Jake's agent tomorrow. Hire him. / I'll try right now. / See you tomorrow. / Where you going? / I got to go home, Artie. / What are you running off for? You going to clock in?

Artie · Larry:Oh! The lady has you on a short leash. / That is not what it is, Artie. I fucked this relationship up once, I just don't want to fuck it up again.

Artie:The great Jimmy Caan will be there, at your request, dying to see you.

Artie · Jake · Larry:Oh, screw Hank. / So it was O.K.? / I agree with Artie, except about screwing Hank. That's a personal judgment call.

Artie · Larry:You've got to initial right there. / You've been the Larry Sanders — the Larry Sanders. / And the women — well, it doesn't matter... / Initial. / And you're not her whole life, you're just part of her life. / Sign it and initial it here.

Artie:In most of the relationships you've been involved in, you've been Larry Sanders — the Larry Sanders. And the women — well, it doesn't matter, because you've been the Larry Sanders.

Artie:It'll just be a sec, or to use your musical lingo, a couple of half notes.

Artie · Francine:God, tonight's show was the cake, but you definitely are the icing. / Don't tell me — this is my sister Dora. / A double dollop of icing.

Larry · Artie:Did any of Johnny's wives work? / Well, they were fully functional. Is that the question?

Artie:You mean besides revolving around Johnny like so many moons around Jupiter?

Artie:All of Johnny's wives had the same first name, so that confused things from the get-go.

Artie · Larry:My first wife was working 12-hour days when we first got married. / How did you handle that? / I fired her ass. She was my secretary.

Artie · Hank · Larry:What the hell are you fucking doing? Have you lost your goddamn fucking mind? / I'm sorry. I mean, I think the audience knew — they knew I was joking. / That audience comes on buses, Hank. They can barely tell when I'm joking.

Artie:That was a real delight. Child molestation? Very classy. Very funny.

Hank · Jake · Artie:[Hank and Jake physically fight over the drum equipment backstage] / I was here first! / [Artie] Sounds like a rumble.

Larry · Artie:Was she, uh... upset? / What do you think?

Artie:Artie riffs backstage on 'in the can': 'When you said that thing about his wife Linda in the can, I split a gut. I almost had to run to the can myself.'

Artie:The network's proposed 'dazzling' fall schedule: Marla Gibbs, Conrad Bain, Ben Vereen ('Up and tapping, thank god'), Susan Dey ('pertful little skirtfull')

Artie:Larry: 'Susan Dey. Pertful little skirtfull.'

Artie:When Larry vents that he can't remember what he says to guests, Artie delivers: 'That's why the good Lord invented videotape.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry demands a staff meeting 'Tomorrow at 10:30' — Artie: 'That means 10:30?' Larry: 'Yeah. 10:30 sharp.' — an implicit acknowledgment that Larry's '10:00' always means '10:30'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry challenges the booking of Tony Randall ('Tony's on what? Every other week?'), then Jay Thomas ('Who is Jay Thomas?'), then Al Nelson the plate spinner ('He was a regular on Sullivan 30 years ago... He's older now and he's started using Chinette, but people still flip for him.')

Phil · Artie · Larry Sanders:Phil cautiously asks to clarify: 'Just so I'm clear about this, this is a booking problem, right?' Artie: 'Phil, shut the fuck up.' Then Larry: 'Phil, shut the fuck up.'

Artie:Artie's contribution to 'new' guests: 'Ho! Raymond Burr, with whom I once had the honor of playing golf. He's in the new Perry Mason show. Hello, Perry.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie: 'I warned you with my eyes.' Larry: 'I heard nothing. I saw nothing.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'The tape was not that gay.' Artie: 'I don't mind the gay thing. He's talking about butt plugs. He's talking about his father's orgasm.'

Artie:Artie tells Tim Miller: 'We think you're terrific, timbo. The network simply will not let us air it.' — an outright lie delivered with complete sincerity

Larry Sanders · Artie:The moment Miller is gone, Larry: 'You think he bought the network thing?' Artie: 'Entirely.' Larry: 'We're not completely lying. We can't air this, right?'

Artie:Artie on the phone with the network: 'Listen to me, Melody, the man said 'butt plug' three times! And you and I both know you can't— You can say 'butt plug'? Since when?'

Artie:Artie hangs up and announces: 'Good news? The network says that it is our decision and they find no problem with the piece.' Then: 'They're hanging us out to dry.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'I don't want to be part of cutting him.' Artie: 'Well, you want me to make the decision?' Larry: 'I'd like to participate in some limited capacity.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie proposes to count to 10, and if Larry doesn't say anything, he agrees with the decision to cut Miller. Larry: '1, 2, 3, 4—' Larry: 'I agree.' Artie: 'Then don't say anything.' Larry: 'I got excited. I had the answer.'

Artie:Artie reads Liz Smith's column: 'Sanders cans performance by Miller. Late-night funny man Larry Sanders couldn't take the heat last night, so he threw Mr. Miller out of the kitchen.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Army Archerd's column: 'Network officials claimed no responsibility for Mr. Miller's unkind cut, saying they had no involvement in the decision.' Larry: 'Rat bastards!'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie reads the kicker: Miller called Larry 'the Jesse Helms of late-night television.' Larry: 'Well, hell. That's not so bad.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie pivots to a new talk show guest segment: 'We can talk about the surgery. Your plastic surgery is great. You've openly talked about it.' 'Yes, I had my nose done.' 'And your eyes.' 'And my... any cheekbones?' 'And my, uh, whole face.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie interjects to defend Larry: 'I have to interject. Uh, he has balls. I got to say it.' Larry: 'I have balls. But they're little, tiny ones. I hide them behind a desk.'

Artie · Tim Miller:Artie to Miller: 'Mr. Sanders would like to make amends, timbo. It must make you feel quite special.' Miller: 'Yeah, I'm all fucking aglow.'

Tim Miller · Artie:Miller to Artie: 'And don't call me Timbo anymore, okay?' Artie: 'Oh, quite right. That's inexcusable. May I call you Tim?' Miller: 'Yeah.' Artie: 'Is that yes?'

Artie:Artie, having watched the whole Miller disaster unfold: 'I finally found the boundaries, huh? This one's in the pocket.'

Artie:'What the fuck do you think that is, huh? What is this, love connection?'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:'Oh, yeah? You mean you were serious?' / 'Yes, I'm quite serious.' / 'You're serious.'

Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders · Artie:'I sort of kept her under wraps. I figured you guys would make fun of me.' / 'We wouldn't do that.' / 'Not to your face.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:'The woman's clearly half his age. They've known each other two weeks. And Artie, she worked for some guy named, what, the Sandwich King?' / 'I believe that's a product.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry and Artie's competing marriage records: 'I'm on my fourth wife and, uh—' / 'Fifth.' / 'You— well, whatever. And you, of course—' / 'No, no, no, don't.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'And you, of course—' (implying Artie's marriage failures) / Artie: 'No, no, no, don't.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:'I hope Margaret and I can be as happy as you and Francine.' / 'That is the most cynical pile of bullshit that I have ever heard in my entire life.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'She obviously wants something from him.' Artie: 'Not every single woman in the whole world wants something from you. We're not talking about me.'

Artie:'The Liebowitz bar mitzvah is booked that week.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:'May I remind you of my old friend Tiny Tim?' / 'As I recall, that was a freak show.' / 'A highly rated one.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:'I want it to be a tasteful testament to marriage.' / [Artie] 'Hank, three words — Luke and Laura.' / 'Say no more. We understand each other.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:'Are you going to wear tails?' / [Artie, already dialing] 'Yes, I am. I'm going to make a call.'

Artie:Artie: 'That was personal. This is business.' (After Francine accused him of not staying out of it.)

Larry Sanders · Artie:'After this so-called wedding show, that man will be married to that woman.' / 'Yes.' / 'Now, that is what I call great television.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:'You didn't like Jeannie? Why didn't you say— the girl was bad news. Why didn't you say something? You could have saved me a lot of—' / 'Money?' / 'Heartache.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:'Yeah, I probably would have fired you.' / 'What do you think of Francine?' / 'I think she's great.' / [beat] 'Excuse me.' / 'I won't fire you. Tell me what you think of Francine.'

Comedian · Larry Sanders · Artie:Strip club comedian: 'I worked at a strip club. The owner says to me, "You don't need to strip to do the comedy."' / 'We should book her on the show, Artie.' / 'As anything.' / 'As a sidekick! As a sidekick!'

Artie:'Some of the finest work by plastic surgeons in Hollywood.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:'What's Ed saying?' / 'I have no idea.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie's Irish toast interruption: 'I've got an Irish toast. It's off-color. But if you like limericks about fucking — There was a feller from Dubuque—' / 'No, thanks.'

Artie:'Keith, let's get rid of these red gels. We're not marrying two McDonald's French fries. Make it pink.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:'We're lighting Hank's bellybutton.' / 'See that? The man won't even talk to me.'

Artie:'Honesty is the worst policy.'

Artie · Phil:Phil tries to steal champagne from the reception setup. Artie: 'Phil, get away from the champagne. That's for the reception. Goddamn it!'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:'Gavin MacLeod is standing by. He'd love to do this.' / 'I won't be married by the Love Boat captain.'

Artie · Phil · Larry Sanders:'What are you doing, Phil?' / 'I'm a witness.' / 'We don't need one. There are 10 million people watching.' / 'But can you trust them?'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank: 'I can't believe I read those vows. My career is over.' / Artie: 'You'll get a few pot shots, but fuck them. That was genuinely sweet.' / Hank: 'I'm not supposed to be sweet.' / Artie: 'But you are.' / [Kiss] / Hank: 'Don't make that sound. I've asked you nicely.'

Artie:Artie, watching the wedding ratings results: 'Wait till tomorrow, when you see those sweet, sweet ratings. Yeah! Then you'll get it.'

Artie:Artie to the Entertainment Weekly journalist: 'What the fuck kind of question is that?' when asked if Larry has ever been romantically involved with guests

Artie:Artie: 'You think we've busted our balls doing 1,400 shows so Larry can get laid?'

Artie:Artie: 'If Mr. Sanders wanted to fuck talent, he'd have been an agent.'

Artie · Elizabeth Ashley:Artie and Elizabeth Ashley are discovered mid-affair, moaning — leaning on Larry's suits

Artie:Artie, mid-affair: 'What do you think of a woman who'd leave her home for three months to photograph zebras humping?'

Artie:Artie: 'We're leaning on Larry's suits. Do I look like I give a shit?'

Larry · Artie:Larry checks his hair, asks if he has a bug; Artie says 'No, if you had a bug, I'd say, go like this' — it's just hair sticking up

Artie · John Ritter · Larry:Artie trying to remove Ritter from conversation with Larry; Ritter: 'I'm sorry, I just wanted to say hi.' Artie: 'He's got to get into his thoughts.'

Artie · Gene Siskel · Adam Loderman:Backstage fight: Artie confronts chaos involving Gene Siskel, Ritter's agent, and the dog; agent: 'This fucking maniac attacked my client.' Gene: 'These fucking people from Chicago — all they know is punching and fists.'

Artie · Adam Loderman:Artie: 'Shut the fuck up.' — to Loderman when he introduces himself

Artie:Artie to Ritter's bloody agent: 'Ashley, Siskel, Ritter, Zevon. No dog.' — checking the guest list for dog ownership

Adam Loderman · Artie:Ritter's agent Loderman to Artie: 'See this? He's a trouper. You should give him Siskel's time.' Artie: 'If you don't shut the fuck up, I will kick you in the nuts so hard, your dentist will have to work around them at your next cleaning.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'This will be a best of Larry. Gene Siskel is on next.' Larry: 'I thought it was Ritter.' Artie: 'John Ritter will be batting clean-up.' Larry: 'By then the bases will be loaded.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'I thought it was Ritter.' Artie: 'No, John Ritter will be batting clean-up.' Larry: 'By then the bases will be loaded.' Artie: 'Ah, sure enough. Ah.'

Phil · Artie:Dog barks; Phil is bitten mid-show — 'Son of a—' — Artie: 'So you'll jerk off with the other hand for a few weeks.'

Artie · Phil · Warren Zevon:Warren Zevon arrives; Phil asks about the dog bite. Artie: 'Submit questions in written form. We'll get to them when we can.'

Warren Zevon · Artie:Warren Zevon is pressured to play 'Werewolves of London' every show; Artie: 'That's one of Larry's personal favorites.' Zevon: 'Every single show I do, I play it. It's driving me fucking crazy.'

Artie:Artie to Warren Zevon: 'Can't wait to hear you tickle them ivories, dear boy.'

Artie:After granting the concession, Artie mutters: 'Fucking musicians.'

Artie:Artie tells Larry that Ritter is 'happy as a clam' — immediately post-disaster

Larry · Artie:Entertainment Weekly article describes the night: 'ritter and gene siskel fought. A dog bit phil. You and phil were wrestling. It says you and elizabeth ashley were doing god-knows-what in the wardrobe room.'

Artie · Hank:Artie arrives to find Hank has been sleeping in the office; Hank is found amid fabric swatches for napkins at 9:30 AM

Hank · Artie:Hank attempts to bribe Artie with '2 tickets to the grand opening of Hank's Look-Around Cafe, [French accent] absolutely no charge' — after Artie has just berated him

Artie:Artie's flat response to Hank's grand opening tickets: 'It's this Friday night?' — 'I've got plans.'

Artie · Assistant:After Hank's meltdown, Artie's assistant announces: 'The napkin people on line 4' — Artie then says: 'Get me the Jerry van Dyke file.' then immediately corrects: 'Did I say Jerry van Dyke? I mean Joan van Ark.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'Artie, I need to talk to you mano a mano.' Artie: 'No.' Hank: 'Yeah, come on, sit down.' Artie: 'No!'

Artie · Hank:Artie arrives again to find Hank sleeping at the office a second morning: 'You gotta stop sleeping here, Hank! It's beginning to smell like a goddamn locker room.'

Hank · Artie:Hank insists 'I am here. Hank Kingsley is present and accounted for' — then immediately runs off to make a restaurant phone call

Hank · Artie:Hank breaks down crying about the grand opening cancellations — 'Even my own wife is not coming because there's a death in the family'

Hank · Artie:Hank, through tears, asks Artie 'You're gonna be there, aren't you, buddy?' — then a long pause before Artie's guilty response

Artie:Artie's guilty answer: 'Oh, damn it! Well, Hank, you've changed the grand opening so many times! I do have a life of my own, you know.'

Artie · Hank:Artie quietly slips out of the room while Hank continues his meltdown, leaving Hank talking to an empty room — then tells his assistant 'He doesn't know that.' when asked where Hank thinks Artie is

Artie · Assistant:Artie: 'Get Dr. Landy on the phone.' Assistant: 'Who?' Artie: 'Dr. Eugene Landy. Our good friend Brian Wilson will have his number.'

Artie:Artie's voicemail to Larry: 'Hank's not doing so well... he's been in the men's room for an hour now, vomiting and weeping.'

Artie:Artie's message continues: 'Also, uh... well, Hank's not doing so well. He's been under quite a bit of pressure lately and seems a bit rattled.'

Larry · Artie:Artie informs Larry that Hank has been vomiting and weeping for an hour; Larry's response is 'How bad is Hank?' — not 'Is Hank okay?'

Hank · Artie:Sign update: Instead of 'Hank's Look-Around Cafe,' the installed sign reads 'Look-Round Cafe' — missing the letter A. Hank's response: 'Ah, that's ok. See? It's great.'

Larry · Artie:Larry and Artie at the grand opening: Artie threatens to shove the ice sculpture of the Queen Mary 'up Hank's ass if he ever gets here'

Larry · Artie:Larry complains he 'can't believe I took time out of my vacation to come here, and the man isn't even here' — while Artie says 'I'm already seasick' from the rotating floor

Artie · Hank:Artie tells the groggy Hank: 'It's 9:30 A.M. We looked for you all night, Hank.' — Hank's response: 'No!'

Artie:Artie to Larry backstage: 'People can't do their best work when they're shitting in their pants.'

Artie:Artie warns Larry about lying tells: 'Rubbing your upper lip. When people lie, they tend to cover their mouths. I learned that from Jack Webb when I was on Dragnet, 1970.'

Artie:Artie asks: 'What are you listed under, Hank or Kingsley? Or hey, now?'

Artie:Artie reassures Larry the foreign buyer only wants to manage the news division, then suddenly breaks into a British accent to impersonate him: 'These talk shows, there are too damn many of them. I say let them have the territory. We can go out and, uh, blaze a new trail.'

Artie · Larry:Larry asks what the 'new trail' is. Artie: 'A late-night news magazine wrap-up of the day's events, but with a hip, MTV sensibility.'

Artie:Artie confronts Larry in the wings during the warm-up: 'You got a huge ass. It's a huge, huge ass. That's why we sent for that new lens from Sony, so we could cover that huge ass.'

Artie:Artie, after the show, to Larry: 'You're a miserable fucker. A real miserable fucker.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie: 'It's a magpie. They're scavengers — feed on road kill, dead meat. They carry rabies and Lyme disease. You better not take a nap on your porch. They'll peck your eyes out.' Larry: 'Still. Every day.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry reveals he watched the tapes of his old show and says 'I've never been so miserable in my life' — implying he hated watching himself

Artie:'You're a talk show animal. You're like one of those goddamn creatures out of Greek mythology — half man, half desk.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'That's pathetic. We should save that one for when I really have a drug problem, don't you think?'

Artie:Artie: 'I didn't want you to see me, so I flew coach. I don't know how people do it. They don't even give you those little wet towels. I had to wipe my face with a pack of Sweet'N Low.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'What about "no flipping"?' Artie: 'Public domain. Sorry.'

Larry · Artie:Yeah. I'm just gonna start assembling the staff tomorrow. / What did I just say? Low profile. / Fine.

Artie · Larry Sanders:'Looks like a goddamn Cheech and Chong movie.' Larry: 'That's not a bad booking idea, Artie. Cheech and Chong.'

Artie:Artie: 'The show was all he had, Larry. At least, thank God, I have a skill.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie: 'This would have been the perfect time to get rid of some of the deadwood in the office.' Larry: 'Oh, you mean Paula?' Artie: 'I'm not saying, but some of these people are useless. They should be cut out of here like cancer.'

Larry · Artie:I can't believe you hired the entire staff back. / No, this would have been the perfect time to get rid of some of the deadwood in the office.

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank bursts in: 'Hello, children! Look at you! All back where you belong. Aw, it does my heart good. The whole family is here!' Artie: 'What, are you gonna start singing?'

Richard Germain · Larry Sanders · Artie:The network exec (Germain) walks in just as Larry and Artie are making their move — 'Gentlemen, you take me by surprise. I must say that I'm not prepared to put the show back on.'

Artie · Richard Germain:Artie: 'Now, listen, nobody knows about th—' Germain: 'Oh please, don't tell me you and Larry are lovers.' Artie: 'No, of course not.' [pause] 'Now, listen—' Germain: 'What could make you think we're lovers?!'

Artie:'He's as clean as Louie Anderson's dinner plate.'

Artie · Richard Germain:Artie pretends to receive a phone call on a phone that didn't ring; when Germain calls it out, Artie claims there's a new system with a flashing light Germain can't see from where he's standing

Artie:Artie directs Germain to the bathroom: 'Right out the door, first crapper on the left. Enjoy.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry appears in the hallway — Artie panics and hisses at him while trying to control the situation

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie: 'Trust me.' Larry: 'That's a last resort?' Artie: 'Last resort.' Larry: 'You could've come up with something a little less pathetic.' Artie: 'Just calm down. Take one of these.' [hands Larry a pill]

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie pushing the pills back and forth with Larry — 'Take them. Take them. Take them.' / 'No, you take them.' — escalating into a farcical pill-passing standoff

Larry Sanders · Artie:Artie finds Larry attempting to meditate/find his aura backstage and asks to join him. Larry: 'Fine.' They both sit in silence.

Larry · Artie:I'm not going out there. / You haven't got a choice. / I'm not going out there. / I am not going out there.

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank: 'I'm not going out there.' [repeated multiple times, with increasing petulance] Artie: 'You don't like it, go back to that cabin and do a show on public access.'

Artie · Richard Germain:Artie watches the confession from backstage: 'Are you happy now?' Germain: 'Oh, yes!' And he'll mention it again at the end of the show? He will! And he'll MC the affiliates dinner in Kansas City? With great pleasure!'

Artie:Artie: 'I got a great idea for sweeps week. Larry comes out and tells people he was molested as a child. Of course, we have people call your parents and tell them we're just making it up.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'Still glad you came back from Montana?' Artie: 'I think if I learned one thing, it's that happiness comes from in here.' Artie: 'Is that your way of saying you'd like another pill?'

Artie · Larry · unnamed staffer:Artie asks to speak privately, the unnamed bystander is dismissed — 'His name Guy?' / 'No. He's just a guy.'

Artie:Artie's 'No?' reaction beat after Larry denies sleeping with the Montana woman — a single word that says everything

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Hey, I get some on a nightly basis. I'm still excited about Mimi Rogers.' / Larry: 'You get some WHAT on a nightly basis?' / Artie: 'Some of this, some of that. You don't wanna know.'

Artie · Larry:Artie enters grumbling about 'bags of crap' — Larry immediately: 'What, did Roseanne and Tom take your spot again?'

Larry · Artie:Larry says he wants to handle the Montana story 'exactly the same way we handled the drunk-driving incident in '89' — Artie: 'OK. Gotcha.'

Larry · Artie:Larry compliments the tie; Artie explains it was 'given to me by the chamber of commerce of Pittsfield, Maine.' Larry: 'Oh, that would explain the lobster.' Artie: 'How's that?' Larry: 'Maine. Lobster.'

Artie:Artie: 'I got it. You're working on a bit. I'll play along. Maine lobsters...' — Artie playing 'straight man to a bit Larry isn't doing'

Larry · Artie:Artie furious backstage: 'People are going to think I called her Cindy Fuckpot or something.' Artie: 'From the Philadelphia Fuckpots.'

Larry · Artie:Larry revealing the 'drunk driving in '89' crisis plan was simply: say nothing. Artie making Larry reconstruct this slowly: 'I said... I said nothing. We didn't bring it up on the air.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'I'll apologize when we come back on the commercial.' Artie: 'I'm so sorry.' Hank: 'In 6 years, I've only been bleeped one time.' Artie: 'God, don't remind me.'

Hank · Artie:'OK, I happened to say the word CUM. So what?' / Artie: 'In front of Jessica Tandy.' / Hank: 'Oh, that crybaby. She's heard all this shit before.'

Larry · Artie:Post-show: 'I thought Mimi was terrific.' / 'That will win the Nobel Prize for chemistry.' / 'I hope so. Don't forget to submit me.'

Artie:Artie, post-chaos: 'I'm so sorry, Larry.'

Artie · Mary Beth Nagler:Artie to Mary Beth: 'Young lady, am I to understand you are blackmailing Mr. Sanders?' / Mary Beth: 'I just wanted to let you know in case you wanted to do something.' / Artie: 'Move another inch toward Larry, and I'll take you down hard.'

Artie:The lawyer Lloyd discussion: 'Michael Jackson wrote a check. Guilty.'

Artie:'You can't get pregnant from saying hello — unless you say it to Warren Beatty.'

Artie · Larry:Artie offers Larry lunch, basketball, shopping — Larry refuses each until: 'Buy yourself something extravagant? Cheer yourself up?' / 'Yep.'

Artie:Artie: 'Roseanne didn't marry her assistant, either. She gets to make up this stuff. Why the hell can't I?'

Hank · Mimi Rogers · Artie:Mimi Rogers correcting Hank: 'I think you're confusing me with Carrie Fisher.' / Hank: 'You are so great. You know, after I saw that movie, I started doing my hair in Princess Leia buns for months.' / Mimi: 'That's very flattering, thank you.' / Artie: 'So did I, by the way.'

Artie:Artie: 'Jesus, Larry, she knows all about little Mickey.'

Larry · Artie:Larry's full confession: He met the Montana woman at a restaurant. She was a waitress. He met her in the parking lot. They sat in his car. 'She gave me a handjob in the parking lot at Denny's.'

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?' / Larry: 'Because I hate myself.'

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?' / Larry: ''Cause I hate myself.'

Artie:Artie: 'There's nothing wrong with a handjob, Larry. In my day, I've had plenty of them in far worse places than a parking lot. I remember one time I was visiting St. Patrick's Cathedral. It was a Thursday. There weren't many people in the pews in the back.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'That is the difference. You can get a handjob any day of the week. I get one, it ends up in the paper.' / Artie: 'Price of fame, my boy.'

Hank · Artie · Larry:The L.A. Times column about Hank's phone call: Hank 'babbling about hives, Tom Snyder, and a predilection for Asian women' — 'Kingsley has taken the prize' for pathetic types

Artie:Artie: 'Call the L.A. Times and get that punk on the phone.'

Lloyd (lawyer) · Larry · Artie:'She claims she gave you a handjob in a parking lot.' / Larry: 'That is so pathetic.' (long pause, everyone looks at him) 'Should've slapped her out of town on that one.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Handjob in a parking lot at Denny's.' / Larry: 'I didn't say anything about Denny's.' / Artie: 'I think you did.' / Larry: 'No, I didn't, did I?' / Artie: 'Yeah, yeah. I heard Denny's.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie finds a prescription in Larry's ATM receipts labeled 'Rectumin' — 'What is this? Rectumin.' 'That sounds familiar. What's that for?' 'For what it sounds like.' 'That is for nasal congestion.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie: 'So... technically, your account is a big slush fund for the entire Pacific Rim.'

Artie:Artie's follow-up: 'Just how bad is the nasal congestion?' — returning to the Rectumin bit after the ATM crisis

Artie:Artie: 'Remind him to wipe the Rectumin from his elbow.' (about Larry going to dinner with Carrie Fisher)

Artie:Artie tells Beverly not to 'badger our Larry' — 'He's a grown man, sweetie. If he doesn't want to talk to his daddy, he doesn't have to.'

Artie · Beverly:Artie: 'Darling, the job is to keep our little host happy... whatever that takes.' Beverly: 'Well, sometimes I think it takes too much.' Artie: 'I thank you from the bottom of my heart for Larry's ma'am.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie's emotional appeal to Larry about his estranged father: 'My father... left us. I never had the chance to say the things that I always wanted to say to him...' Larry: 'Listen... believe it or not, neither do I.'

Artie:Artie to Jason Alexander: 'My boy, when are they going to give you your own show?' — before disappearing

Artie · Larry Sanders:Larry asking Artie to help with his father: 'What do you want me to do, take him to dinner, get him hammered, couple of hookers?' Larry: 'No, no. That would be overkill. Just be yourself.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:'Post show critique.' / 'What?' / 'Post show critique.' / 'Gotcha. Sure. Right away.' — Artie inventing a fake meeting to rescue Larry

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie compliments Larry's tie — 'Nice tie, by the way.' — which is one of the contested peach/plum ties from earlier. Larry says 'Just something I picked up.' Artie: 'Yeah. It looks familiar.'

Artie:Artie showing Larry's father the show tapes: 'I only wish my dad could have seen my work. But by the time I got my first big boat show, he was, um...' — trails off with implication of death

Artie · Larry Sanders · Beverly:Artie: 'I thank you from the bottom of my heart for handing Larry his undies. Larry thanks you, too. Don't you?' Larry: 'Artie, please.'

Artie:Artie: 'Beverly, do me a favor and get Larry's father the hell out of my office.'

Artie · Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley:Larry: 'Do you know this is the first time he's ever come to see me perform?' Hank: 'You're kidding.' Larry: 'He never thought I would make it. Now he's just been bitter.' Artie: 'Well, if I spent 30 years selling office equipment, I'd be bitter about damn near everything.'

Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley · Artie:Larry extends the tribute to Beverly — 'I hope is watching... is probably not watching' — then Hank starts naming someone else: 'There's a young lady named Darlene...' Artie: 'Well, F me!'

Larry Sanders · Artie:After the emotional climax: Larry's father 'loved it' — but left immediately after the Marilu Henner segment. Larry: 'Well, that segment dragged anyway, didn't it?'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie: 'For what you did for your father tonight, I salute you. You're finally turning into the man I always thought you were.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'What you said about Beverly... hey, that was sweet.' Artie: 'Yeah. I don't do that often enough. Why is that? I wonder where the trait comes from?' Artie: 'Yeah!'

Artie · Jason Alexander:Jason Alexander reveals he's going to the Lakers game — with front-row seats — and Steve Guttenberg has been replaced by Julia Roberts. Artie: 'Boing! Rah! See ya, kid.'

Artie:Jason Alexander? Uh, only if we can't get Michael Richards or Jerry Seinfeld. So Jason Alexander. That's excellent.

Artie:Mary Lou Retton? Marilu Henner. Oh, thank God. The last thing we need is Larry on those uneven bars again.

Artie · booking staff:Danny DeVito, Jimmy Walker, the potato lady, and the Breeders. Uh, rock band.

Hank · Larry · Artie:Are we ordering lunch? No, Hank. We're not. Oh, because I heard someone mention potatoes, and I can have those on my new diet.

Hank · Larry · Artie:Hold on, Beverly. We're ordering lunch, I think. Is there a menu? We're not ordering.

Artie:Artie tries to find the word for Paula's personality flaw: 'abrasive?' 'brusque?' before arriving at 'incapable of putting a performer at ease because she has a basic contempt for the business.'

Artie · Larry:Damn it, if this stage caves in, you won't need bathrobes. You'll need bodybags. Well, evidently, we already give a bag.

Artie · Paula:How did you get DeVito back? / I didn't. / Well, don't you think that's kind of like a problem? / Not if I kill myself before 5:30.

Larry · Artie:We give the worst gift in the business. You know that? / Do you even see me standing here? Or is there just my suit floating in space?

Hank · Artie:Is Larry thinking about firing me? / No. What makes you think that? / Because twice today, he said I was doing a really good job.

Artie:Oh, I didn't know he said it twice. / Mm-hmm.

Artie · Paula:You got Danny DeVito on board tonight, don't you? / You bet. / Well, you got nothing to worry about, sweetie.

Artie · Paula:You're digging a mighty deep hole over there. / Good. Then I can jump in after I shoot myself in the head.

Larry · Artie:He's putting my photo on the inner thigh. / Oh, God damn it. / Maybe you're right. Maybe it should be the outer thigh.

Artie:Don't talk to me the way I would be talking to me.

Artie · Beverly/staff:Is he on something? / No, just the same 2 things, except I think he took them together today. / Well, he had the pepperoni pizza for lunch, that should soak it up.

Larry · Artie:Oh, you know him. He's always late. / He is not always late. He's usually here a couple hours ahead of time just to tell me how much he hates doing talk shows and how uncomfortable he is. He'll be here.

Larry · Artie:I could call David Copperfield and ask him to do the show. He owes me one. / I'll bet he does.

Artie · Beverly · Artie:What were you thinking about with these potato questions? / I got to go. / What were you thinking of? / You know, Artie, I did eat a raw potato once, and the taste was quite unusual. I thought it was a good question.

Artie · Hank:I never had the bad feeling worse than I do right now. / I'm torn, but... Madison is who it looks like to me. / I would take another guess if I were you.

Artie:Welcome to Shakeytown. Enjoy the music.

Artie · Larry:Now I want you to breathe. Come on — do that. Good. Now, when you're doing that, do you have any good or bad feelings about any of these names... Daddy's Girl... breathe... Lucky Lindy, Hot to Trot... any feelings at all? / Hot to Trot. / Good. I knew it.

Artie · Larry:Stage 2, Stage 9, or Stage 12? / 2. Let's go to Stage 2. / Or 9. 2 or 9. I don't know. / I can't make a decision, but we gotta get out of here.

DeVito · Artie:Silverplate? / Solid silver, Mr. D. / Swiss movement. / All right, I'll see you out there.

Larry · Artie:They can put my face on those, right? / Oh, hell, yes. We could put your cock on it. / As long as it's not the hour hand.

Artie:Eddie, go up to my office. Bring down that clock on my desk, will you? The silver one. You know, the one that Larry gave me for Christmas last year.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry fishing to find out if his name came up for the People's Choice hosting gig while pretending not to care

Artie:Artie on his Oahu vacation: 'I pay a cabana boy to wheel me down to the beach every day on a stretcher like a coma patient.'

Larry Sanders · Artie · Phil:The whole office debating who should go talk to Hank about the coconut line, ending in a circular non-resolution.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie on Sally Kirkland: 'I gave her her first orgasm.' / 'Oh, well, then she's perfect.'

Artie:'Send her roses, long-stem and a limo. She'll do it.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank auditioning as announcer for the People's Choice by doing the announcer's line, then complaining: 'Al 'Harelip' Hartman? No, no. This guy, he has no verve, no personality.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:'And he drinks.' / 'So do I. That's why I like him.'

Artie · Larry Sanders · Phil:'He has a hair up his ass because I won't hire him as the announcer for the people's choice.' / 'He's got that coconut line up his ass.' / 'How many things can he have up his ass at once?'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Paul Reiser dropping out of the People's Choice — Artie's relief that it's not about the show being taped right now.

Artie:'Aw, the thrill of live-to-tape television. Andalé, Felipe. Vámonos.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Artie guilts Larry into hosting the People's Choice as 'a favor,' and Larry negotiates out of dance numbers — then accepts when he's told he only has to strip at the end.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry confronts Artie: 'Then what are Rita and Superman, just backups in case I get a paper cut opening one of those envelopes?'

Artie:Artie's promise: 'I'm going to make sure that your head is at least 50% larger than theirs on the cover of TV Guide.'

Artie:Artie's demographic breakdown of the People's Choice cohost lineup: Superman for 'younguns,' Rita for 'urbanites and the hairdressers,' Larry for 'the rest... just plain folks who like to laugh.'

Artie:'I mean actual hairdressers. Our research department is giving us incredibly specific stuff these days.'

Larry Sanders · Artie · Melanie:Larry accidentally insults the network exec Melanie to her face, then immediately pivots: 'You know, Artie and I were just saying what a nice bunch of network heads we have working here.'

Melanie · Larry Sanders · Artie:Melanie reveals it was Artie's idea to add the cohosts, not the network's — Artie had been blaming the network.

Artie:'I do that all the time. Don't make a big deal out of it.' — Artie admits he routinely blames decisions on 'the network.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:The reveal that Larry's agent Stevie called Artie to lobby for Larry to host — which Larry denies instigating — while his denial is being laughed off.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Artie: 'Oh, yeah, you could produce four more shows simultaneously. Fucking A.' / 'You should call the Conan O'Brien people, see if they need a producer for the farewell special.' / 'Good idea. So give me a call, and I'll let you host that one, too.'

Artie:'No wonder you've been married so many times.'

Phil · Artie:Phil to Artie on whether he changed the tape at Larry's request: 'I did not initiate the change, but I was implicated in the course of events that led to the...' / Artie: 'Please, please, please. Save your Ivy-league double-talk for your chums down at the parliamentary debating society.'

Artie:Artie's line: 'Save your Ivy-league double-talk for your chums down at the parliamentary debating society.'

Phil · Artie:Phil: 'Larry told me to do it.' / Artie: 'And you just automatically do whatever the hell Larry tells you to do?' / Phil: 'Yes, don't you?' / Artie: 'Yes. Now get the hell out of my office.'

Larry Sanders · Elvis Costello · Artie:Larry to Elvis Costello: 'Elvis, I heard you coming down the hall. Hi. I'm a big fan. Listen, you know the song 'Alison'... I was just wondering about this. Is that... is that... excuse me.' — then Artie pulls him away.

Artie:Artie, trying to charm Elvis Costello: 'You know, I've always wanted to ask you about your song 'Alison.' Is that about a specific person or a pet?'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank interrupts Elvis Costello's performance to lobby Artie for the People's Choice announcer job.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie offers Larry a replacement host for the People's Choice: 'Mr. Hal Linden.' Larry: 'Hal Linden is good. Hal Linden is funny.' / 'And he'll do one of those dance numbers.'

Elvis Costello · Larry Sanders · Artie:Elvis Costello's meltdown: 'And while I'm up there doing my number, you're yap, yap, yap. We were listening most intently. We're huge fans!' — followed by Elvis: 'Don't give me any more of that big fan shite.'

Elvis Costello · Larry Sanders · Artie:Elvis: 'Letterman, Letterman... that's big fans.' / Larry: 'I thought he didn't do Letterman.' / 'I thought we were the first to have him on.' / 'When did you do Letterman? What was Letterman like?'

Artie:'What the... look at this. This reminds me of the time Angela Lansbury was on.'

Artie:'This reminds me of the time Angela Lansbury was on.' [implication that something similarly disastrous happened]

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie reveals he quit the People's Choice (or got fired): 'So I told 'em... just take your tap shoes and shove 'em up your collective ass.' / Larry: 'You quit?' / Artie: 'No. They fired me.'

Artie · Larry:Artie reveals how he quit the People's Choice: 'I told 'em — just take your tap shoes and shove 'em up your collective ass.' / 'You quit?' / 'No. They fired me. Rule number one — never quit. Always make them fire you. That way, you get your money.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'I felt so bad about our little argument last night that I woke up and... I signed the contract to cohost the People's Choice Awards as a favor to you.' / Artie: 'Oh, shit.'

Artie:Artie's speech about black sneakers vs. black dress shoes, ending with 'Ok? Got it? Dig it? Dismissed.'

Artie:'Who dropped out, George Wendt or Angela Lansbury?'

Artie · Paula:'Why does Larry have to go into the yogurt place in person?' / 'Because he thinks if you can see the colors, it's easier to pick the flavor.'

Paula · Artie:'He threw up all over the front seat of Beverly's car, and then he threw up all over Ventura Boulevard.' / 'Sherman Oaks?' / 'Studio City.' / 'Any witnesses?'

Artie:'Thank god, because I've seen Larry vomit. It's not something you want to watch over and over again on Hard Copy.'

Artie:Artie's priority list for guest hosts: 'Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Lewis, Bob Saget, John Ritter, Howie Mandel, Louie Anderson.'

Artie · Paula:'Make sure that Seinfeld knows he's our first choice. When he says no, make sure that Richard Lewis thinks he's our first choice, and so on down the list.' / 'Oh, your mind amazes me!'

Artie:'I'm just now comfortable with it myself.'

Paula · Artie:'Well, there's some chimps at Live at 5 who might be available.' / 'I don't think so.' / 'We'll have to settle for the next-best thing.'

Artie:Artie says he's about to 'open the lid of a box far nastier than Pandora's' — then immediately asks for a napkin.

Artie · Hank:Hank is told he's hosting. His response: 'No.' / 'Yes.' / 'No.' / 'Oh, yes.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'I can't move my legs.' Artie helps him up, calls it 'hip.'

Hank · Darlene · Artie:Darlene: 'I should call your wife.' Hank: 'Wife, yes. Of course.' Then: 'She has a thing for Hank.' / 'Oh, don't we all?'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Hank, believe me, I had no choice.' Hank: 'I know. Thank you.'

Artie:Artie tells Larry 'everything's going fine' and 'we don't even miss you' on the phone — then immediately says 'we love you, we miss you, you're in our thoughts and prayers.'

Artie:Artie says 'Love you on Dave's World, kiddo' to Shadoe Stevens.

Hank · Artie:Hank's pre-show breakdown: 'Don't make me do this. I'm not up to this. Don't make me.' / 'What if I suck?' repeated three times.

Artie:Artie's pre-show pep talk: 'I been in this business, man and boy, almost 40 years. I know things, Hank. Let me tell you one of the things I know. You do not suck!'

Artie:Artie watching Hank get his first big laugh: 'Good for Hank.' / 'You don't understand. This is going to go right to his head. He's going to be a huge, huge pain in the ass. You know Jimmy Woods? That's nothing.'

Artie:Artie's post-show assessment: 'I have to be honest. I thought we were going to have to warn people to watch the show through a pin hole and a piece of cardboard.'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Still flushed with victory?' Hank: 'Yes, I am flushed with victory. You sound a little surprised I did so well.' Artie: 'Oh? I'm glad I'm not playing poker anytime soon.'

Artie:Artie: 'Hank, 'adroit' means 'able.' 'Mal' means 'bad' or 'not.' Put 'em together. Maladroit — not able. Capisce?'

Hank · Beverly · Artie:Reaction beat: Hank goes silent after being corrected about 'maladroit.' Long pause before Beverly says 'Get Larry on the phone.'

Artie:Artie: 'I pass out unexpectedly, but other than that, I feel better than the night we had Jennifer Tilly on.'

Artie:Artie: 'I don't say this often, Larry, but I made a mistake. I should have canceled last night's show instead of putting Hank on. Last night he was a crying mess... [thud] Oh! Now he's the ass of the western world.'

Artie · Sid:The monologue joke argument between Artie and the writer Sid: 'I think socks had something to do with that decision.' / 'It's not funny. I beg your pardon? What word do you have trouble with? You understand 'not'? That's comfortable for you? And 'funny.' You've heard of that?'

Artie · Writer/Sid:Artie: 'You may go.' Writer: 'Oh, may I? Thank you.' Then, after leaving, under breath: 'Watch it, asshole.'

Artie:Artie's disciplinary list: 'You will issue an apology about the remarks about the mentally challenged. A healthy donation to, let's say, the Down Syndrome people wouldn't hurt. But you should send a gift basket to John Cusack about that remark you made about his sister. And you should send 3 baskets to Lionel Richie, one for each time you called him Little Richard.'

Artie:Artie: 'Now, Hank, what have we learned here? When you're vulnerable and humble, people like you. When you act like an asshole, people tend to think of you as an asshole.'

Artie:Artie: 'Are you going to air tonight's show?' 'No. We'll put on the best of Larry. But I'll always have a copy of tonight's show close by. Just keep that in mind next time you want to throw your weight around.'

Larry · Artie:Larry on speakerphone after Hank exits: 'Is he gone yet?' / 'Don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass.'

Artie:Artie's closing three lessons: '1 — when you're sick that close to air, we'll cancel. 2 — Hank's place is on the couch where he does his best work. And 3 — always let Beverly go into that yogurt shop alone.'

Artie:Artie's three lessons: 1) Cancel when sick close to air, 2) Hank belongs on the couch, 3) 'Always let Beverly go into that yogurt shop alone'

Artie · Larry:Artie's closing self-assessment: 'I'll admit, I may have mishandled this affair, but everything turned out for the best. And I think you see that it's gonna be all right.' [Thud] 'Oh!' Larry: 'You agree, right? Hey, Artie? What's happenin'?'

Artie:Artie suggests that if Larry doesn't go on the retreat, 'the rest of us can sit in a sensory deprivation tank and see who takes a shit first'

Larry · Artie:Larry says 'I drove Darlene home last night' — then a long beat as Artie says nothing

Artie:Artie: 'I drove Phil home once. It meant nothing.'

Larry · Artie:Darlene has a collection of primitive dolls from Mexico and Africa; she keeps one in the passenger seat 'so she has someone to talk to in heavy traffic' — but actually to use the diamond lane

Artie · Larry:Artie raises the bet from $1,000 to $1,500 after hearing about tantric sex; Larry says 'Make it an even 2,000' when he admits nothing happened; Artie raises to $2,500 — a running escalating wager on the relationship being trouble

Artie:Artie: 'Larry, she probably let you take her home because she was afraid to say no. You are the boss.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Because you made the same mistake with me.' Larry: 'I thought we agreed never to talk about that again.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Yes, we did.' / Larry: 'Good.' / Artie: 'Because it was a mistake.'

Artie:Artie threatens to warn Paula that 'Mr. Sanders is working his way through the office'

Artie · Larry:Artie, apparently referencing something about Larry's sexual appeal: 'It ain't dipped in gold.' Larry: 'Beg your pardon?' Artie: 'What's not dipped in gold?' Larry: 'I don't know. She says that's not dipped in gold. Like I'm supposed to know what that means.'

Artie:Artie: 'I believe they're still standing by the elevator, frozen in shock and amazement.'

Larry · Artie:Larry, panicking about Darlene/Phil news, asks: 'How long has Darlene been dating Phil?' Artie immediately: '4,500.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'I'm gonna fire one of these idiots. Which one?' Artie: 'You know, you're right. Both of 'em. Both of those idiots.' Larry: 'Maybe 3?' Artie: 'Yeah. Maybe 4.' Larry: 'I quit.'

Artie:Artie's reply to Larry's 'I quit': 'Right. Heh! You want your money in cash or a check?'

Artie · Larry:Artie has purchased a Browning shotgun ('this sweetheart') worth $5,000 with engraving; tells Larry he'll pay the extra $1,000 for it. Larry: 'Load it.'

Artie:Artie announcing the retreat: 'Sixth annual Larry Sanders Annual Retreat! Fun and sun... in the sun.'

Artie:Artie's retreat announcement: 'Sixth annual Larry Sanders Annual Retreat! Fun and sun...In the sun.'

Artie · Larry:Artie and Larry on bus, agreeing the staff brought it on themselves: 'I must say, they brought it on themselves.' 'Yes, they did.' 'Serves 'em all right.' 'It sure does.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'I thought we agreed that our evening of bliss was an event best not repeated.' Larry: 'Well, you picked a fine time to tell me this.' Artie: 'And it was 3 evenings.'

Artie:'And it was 3 evenings.' — Artie's correction, delivered deadpan

Beverly · Artie:What exciting event has our important talk-show host been invited to? Just a little dinner with the president of the United States.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie asks where Larry is sitting; Larry says 'Table 20.' Artie says: 'Hey, not bad. I'm proud of you.'

Artie:Artie describes Hank as 'the grand high-exalted pussy master here' when pointing out Larry might care about Sharon Stone's engagement being off.

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank says 'I just love her. I mean, if I wasn't a married man--' and is cut off by Artie: 'Guess whose not getting any pussy at home.'

Beverly · Artie:Hank insists 'I'm getting some pussy at home.' Beverly protests the word 'pussy' and demonstrates: 'Pussy, pussy, I'm gonna go get me some pussy.' Artie: 'Well, when you say it that way, it takes the shine off it.'

Beverly · Artie:Beverly threatens to 'go get a job at a bank' and Artie fires back: 'Get some of that drive-through pussy.'

Artie · Larry:Of course not. / Good.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'If this is the way people react when I just have dinner, what's gonna happen if, god forbid, I have sex with her?' Artie: 'The shot heard round the world.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Larry tries to look casual while waiting for Sharon's interview to end. Artie: 'You know, while I had to wait for Jackie Bisset, I used to stand there with a book and pretend I was reading.'

Artie · Unknown:Hey, I'm really glad to see the man's finally the one nude in the movie. I mean, if you're into that kind of thing. And I am. / Hear, hear!

Sharon Stone · Artie:Sharon's interviewer: 'Hey, I'm really glad to see the man's finally the one nude in the movie. I mean, if you're into that kind of thing.' Sharon: 'And I am.' Hank (or Artie): 'Hear, hear!'

Larry · Artie:This has nothing to do with being famous. I can show you a list of women this long that aren't famous that I haven't been able to get it up with. / That came out wrong. / Take your time.

Artie:Artie: 'I warned you, didn't I? If you're in a show business relationship, and the woman's more famous than you are, she's the one with the dick.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'It's only been a few days, and you know what? It feels like this relationship is all about her. This is not about me. I have no ident-- do you know what I'm talking about?' Artie: 'No identity.' Larry: 'Uh-huh. In this thing. It's all about her. Believe me, I know.' Larry: 'Not me. Sharon and who? Sharon and who?'

Beverly · Hank Kingsley · Artie:Beverly: 'I hope we've learned our lesson.' Larry: 'You ok?' Hank: 'I can't believe she's out of our lives.' Artie: 'All right.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Artie: 'Boy, does he crave attention.' Then immediately pivots: 'You know, I need to meet somebody normal. Like a nurse or a schoolteacher.' Hank: 'I vote for a nurse. They can get you drugs, and those girls really know how to swing. When I was in for my hernia, I had a sponge bath, and whoa, baby!'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Artie introduces Julianne Phillips: 'I believe that's the lovely and talented Julianne Phillips.' Hank's panicked question: 'She's not more famous than I am, is she?' Artie: 'No!'

Artie:Writer candidates scorched: 'Bobby Craskin is a hack. Dave Morgan — hack. Tom Freeley... wouldn't know a joke if it drove at him and tried to park in the crack of his ass.'

Artie · Phil:'Is she available?' / 'She naps a lot and walks around with a full diaper.'

Artie:'If she had a fondness for malt liquor, your niece could be my father-in-law.'

Artie:'I wouldn't have hired that son of a bitch Frank if I knew he had a deal in the works with Grace Under Fire. Opportunistic bastard. Fucking writer.'

Beverly · Artie:'We're still talking about Frank, right?' / 'Yes.'

Artie:Artie: 'If you're talking about balding Larry's melon, forget it, Phil. I didn't laugh the first time.'

Artie:Artie's big laugh at Phil wanting to be head writer: 'Ha ha ha ha ha!'

Artie:'Let's face it, son, you're a born diplomat.'

Artie:'Unless they found out who killed Bob Eubanks' tree.'

Albert · Artie:Albert the photographer: 'That's 'cause I'm wincing when Hank talks.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie · Albert:Artie picks up and physically carries Hank while discussing restaurant problems; 'Get that roll of film... put him down, Hank.'

Artie:Artie: 'No one likes to eat at a restaurant where someone has died as a rule.'

Artie · Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley:Artie physically lifts Larry (or is it Hank?) for the photo pose — 'Get this. What are you doing? Oh! OK, put me down.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie to Phil: 'Oh, sure. What the hell.' (after 'a great deal of thought' about the head writer decision)

Artie:Artie on Phil's appearance: 'You look like you're a member of the Peanuts gang. Linus with a goatee.'

Artie:Artie to Phil after the network meeting: 'All the more reason to shut the fuck up.'

Phil · Artie:Phil discovers that Larry's 4pm meetings happen while Larry drives through canyons — 'Car phones don't work in the canyons.' / 'Bingo.'

Artie:Artie reads the Steve Martin sketch and says 'My laughter is genuine.'

Artie:Artie: 'Good. You aim for the grand. When you get the Casio, be thrilled.'

Artie:Artie to Phil about Mike's firing: 'I'm sure he'll always cherish that moment.' (referring to the Bosnia sheepdog applause break)

Phil · Artie:Phil's resignation negotiation: 'You want Paula fired? Yes, and I want to watch while you do it.'

Artie:Artie: 'Yes, I hear what you're saying. You don't want to be head writer anymore.'

Phil · Artie:Phil: 'These have been the worst 4 days of my life.' / Artie: laughs

Artie:Artie: 'Lot more fun being the snotty little dork, wasn't it?'

Artie:Artie: 'You're talented, you care about your work, you fight for what you want. That's the qualities that make you a good head writer and give you ulcers and colitis for the rest of your professional life.'

Artie · Phil:Artie pretends there was a salary mistake and Phil is making $6,500 a week, not $37,500

Artie:Artie: 'Oh, damn it! There's been a horrible mistake. Jesus, I have to fix that right away.' (about the salary mix-up)

Phil · Artie:Phil trying to suggest replacements for himself: 'Bobby Craskin.' / 'Hack.' / 'Tom Freeley.' / 'Bruce Fielding.' / 'Who?'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'Listen, I'm also having a problem with Kelly the prop girl. I'd like to replace her.' / Artie: 'Oh, sure. What the hell.'

Larry Sanders · Paula · Artie:Staff watching Leno react to Bobcat: 'You can tell Leno's pissed. Look at him. That bobcat has got serious mental problems.' / 'I think he's got incredible balls.' / 'Paula, don't say balls. Men find that off-putting.' / 'Thanks for the tip.' / 'Don't say tip.'

Artie:'They're whores. Whores. Whores.' — on the Tonight Show booking Bobcat after his Arsenio stunt

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie warns Bobcat about 'crazy stuff': 'He'll be zany and wacky, and the set will remain completely intact.'

Artie:Robert le chat, in person!

Artie:Artie to Bobcat: 'I just love your clown movie. I'm just a sucker for drunk clowns.'

Artie:Artie's 'welcome speech' to Bobcat: 'That fabric on the guest chair is no longer being manufactured... those huge Larry letters over by the band, they're much more expensive than they look. And don't get near my fucking plants.'

Artie:'They're my babies. See you on television!'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie on Hank's intellectual limitations: 'Not enough oxygen to the brain as a fetus, that's my first guess.'

Artie:Artie on Hank's wife situation: 'His wife is pursuing it.' — after Larry asks if Hank is pursuing the Regis sidekick offer

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry: 'Don't you want me to tell you how I handle it?' Artie: 'No, just handle it.' Larry: 'That's enough for you?' Artie: 'Yeah, it's more than enough for me just to know that you're handling it.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:On Hank's wife Margaret: 'I thought she was really quiet and sweet.' 'She was.' 'What happened?' 'He married her.'

Artie:Artie on Margaret: 'She looks at you like she's got X-ray vision. Gives me the creeps.' And: 'I never liked Margaret.'

Artie:Artie: 'I'm sorry. Don't get me wrong — she's a lovely girl. But I can't allow her to lift her skirt for every other show that comes along.'

Artie:Artie: 'I think that solves your problem, right. I tried to help, but God damn it, I will not put up with your bullshit.'

Bobcat Goldthwait · Artie:Bobcat's plan for Regis's show: eat a Denny's grand slam, take ipecac in a coffee mug, and projectile vomit on Kathie Lee the first time he hears 'Cody.'

Bobcat Goldthwait · Artie:Bobcat: 'But I also want to hit him, too, 'cause I don't want to be sexist.' Artie: 'And get Gelman while you're at it.' Bobcat: 'No, I don't have... I don't have that kind of range.'

Artie · Larry:Your fly's open. / Thank you. / Don't mention it. / Looking at my crotch? / I consider it a perk.

Larry · Artie:I really don't want to have Regis on again. / At least he didn't sing. / Yeah. No, I'll give him that.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry on Regis after the on-air segment: 'I was really uncomfortable. I really don't want to have Regis on again.' 'At least he didn't sing.' 'Yeah. No, I'll give him that.'

Larry · Artie:I really don't want to have Regis on again. At least he didn't sing. / Yeah. No, I'll give him that.

Artie:Let me get my baby elephant palm off the set. I raised it from a mere nut.

Artie:Artie threatens Bobcat with his plants: 'Let me get my baby elephant palm off the set. I raised it from a mere nut.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:The date palm/date fruit tangent: 'Unlike your date palms, they come from dates. Different kind of... well, you know?' 'Yeah.' 'You've had a date, haven't you?' 'I mean the fruit.' 'Right.' 'Well, that's where it grows from.' 'What?' 'From the seed in the date.' 'The palm does?'

Artie:Artie walks in on the aftermath: 'Jesus Christ, Hank!' followed by 'Oh, my baby!' — apparently rushing to protect his plant

Artie · Bobcat Goldthwait:Artie escorting Bobcat out: 'I'll escort you to your dressing room in case you get the urge to push a coke machine over on Michael Bolton.' Bobcat: 'I wouldn't do it if it wasn't televised.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry tells Artie to rehire Hank; Artie reveals he didn't know Hank had quit. Larry: 'Well, I'd like to know if someone quits.' Artie: 'Well, you told me you didn't want to know.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie describes handling Hank: 'I called the fucker in your office here. And I told him he was pussy-whipped and he better get—' Larry: 'OK, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it.'

Artie:Artie's parting shot to Regis: 'But I'd tell Kathie Lee to stay about 10 feet back. OK? That's a little tip.'

Artie:Artie describes his annual night out with Hank: 'Nine innings of me listening to Hank whine about his marriage bullshit.'

Artie:"Bruno, dust the dome."

Artie · Hank:Larry gave away Hank's tickets: 'He's the fucking boss. My hands were tied. He's a fucking baby.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'It's not about the game. I just wanted to have some special time...' Artie: 'Ohh, what's the matter, sugar, huh? Is the marriage that bad?' Hank: 'It's the fucking birds.'

Artie:Artie: 'Oh, you're telling me. I've been married 5 times. They were all the fucking birds.'

Artie · Hank:Artie to Hank: 'Why are you putting your shoes on before you pull your pants up?' Hank: 'I always do.' Artie: 'Why?' Hank: 'Superstitious.'

Larry · Artie:Larry, after the Jon Lovitz walkout: 'God, my ass looks fat in these pants.' — Artie's response: 'Hey, cut the horseshit, Adam.'

Artie:'Give my regards to the darling Jamie. Bye-bye.'

Artie:Artie's reaction to Larry mentioning Paula's eating disorder: 'He was gonna find out eventually.'

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'You turned on her alarm system.' Larry: 'You did not read the police report.' Artie: 'I'm quoted quite liberally in it.' Larry: 'You did not read the whole thing!'

Artie · Larry · Jon Lovitz:Jon: 'Uh, Jon, this whole... this misunderstanding has something to do with the snake story, doesn't it?' Jon: 'What snake story?' Larry/Artie: 'Darlene!'

Artie:Artie: 'Can you imagine Darlene with another woman?'

Larry · Artie:I've decided I won't do benefits unless they're for a cause I really believe in, or something I want to get involved with. Since when? Personal decision I've made. When? Years ago, but it's time I start sticking to it.

Artie:Charity begins at home, except in Hollywood where it begins at 7pm every night in every fucking hotel ballroom in town.

Larry · Artie:Did they do a nice job? Fan-fucking-tastic. Any other details? He should regain full flexibility. No, I mean about the cake. Mocha frosting.

Larry · Artie:Finally. How many times have I said we should have Rob Reiner? / Who's got time to count?

Artie · Larry:And your hair's the same color as last week. That's good. Thank you.

Artie:I loved A Few Good Men as well as anyone, but since becoming a director, he's become serious.

Artie · Larry:You know, that happens to creative geniuses, to all except my good friend Professor Irwin Corey. Who we can have on again as often as you want. I'll make a note. Don't mime.

Larry · Artie:I heard spinal tap was almost all improvised. I'm gonna ask him about that. / I'll be so entertained.

Artie · Larry:You'll be able to tell there's no head on the horse. It's gonna look stupid. No, I asked props for heads and lassos.

Artie · Phil:Is it last January already? No. It sounds like it from that joke.

Larry · Artie:Can we class up the monologue? We've got Rob Reiner on tonight. / We haven't had luck with class. God knows we've tried.

Larry · Artie:Man, 30 minutes to air and that asshole cancels. He's an asshole. He's a fucker.

Larry · Artie · Paula:Let me guess the excuse. Cold? No. Family emergency? No. Bad sprain. Bingo. Ankle? Getting warmer. Getting out of shower? No, coming down the stairs on the way here. / How cinematic! I can almost see him falling. That's what makes him a genius.

Larry · Artie:And people wonder why I'm a cynical asshole. / No, they don't.

Artie · Staff:Richard, come on in. We're singing your praises. ♪ Richard Belzer is wonderful ♪ — staff member improvises a brief song.

Artie:We've got a lovely fruit plate waiting there. And if you're a fan of kiwi, as I am, you're going to have a double-special treat!

Belzer · Artie:I don't like kiwi. / Oh, sayib, I should have known! We've got a mango flying in, chop-chop.

Larry · Artie:Reiner screwed us, and it's all I can think about out there. / How's the show? Great. / How's the audience? / It's a little too warm in the studio.

Larry · Artie:What's wrong with the human race? / I think that every time I watch America's Funniest People. That just about breaks your spirit.

Artie:You're a bigger man than I am, Gunga Din.

Larry · Artie:A few good men... want a good courtroom movie? Caine Mutiny. Yeah, Bogie with the steel balls. Exactly.

Larry · Artie:What is this? / This is disaster-preparedness furnishings. / The ham's a lamp? / There's a flashlight in there. / Right. And all this food is edible? / Exactly. / The Twinkies have a 27-year shelf life. / With the light on? / It doesn't matter. You can't penetrate a Twinkie.

Artie · Larry:Did Reiner have a little piece of toilet paper or a couple of feet? / That's not the important part. / Toilet paper is always very funny to everyone except the French. I don't think those bidets are sanitary at all, do you?

Artie:He's still booked for tomorrow night, so if Rob calls you up and says he wants you to clean his pool, hop over there pronto and start scrubbing.

Artie:That's what ruined my second marriage. I told the truth. I found it to be disastrous. That's the truth.

Phil · Larry · Artie:I think you should be open and honest with him. / Shut up. / I lean towards Phil on this one. Phil, you're dismissed. You're contaminating Larry. / Why can't I hear both sides? / You can't handle the truth.

Artie:Mr. Reiner won't be joining us this evening. He just canceled. You told him the truth, didn't you, you couldn't stop yourself even after I specifically asked you not to tell him. Of course, I anticipated your inability to keep your mouth shut. So I arranged a backup.

Larry · Artie:Who? / Have a wonderful show. / Who? / It's not Pauly Shore, is it?

Artie:Well, show business does not discriminate. Nice kid. Mm-hmm.

Larry · Artie · Beverly:How did the nerve deafness dinner go? / Oh, fine. / You're a better man than I am. / I would have taken that 10 grand like... whoa. / They offered you 10 grand? / Yeah. / Beverly.

Larry · Artie:Larry and Artie backstage — Larry has a wardrobe malfunction with his tie, Artie tries to fix it while choking him, then Artie says 'You're choking me.' / Larry: 'Yeah, well, I know. I think we're both a little more sentimental than we like to let on.' / Artie: 'I mean with the tie.'

Artie:Restaurant scene: 'Apparently, we're having our nightly grease fire in the kitchen.' Then: 'I'm taking that Cajun shit right off the menu.'

Hank · Larry · Artie:The Hank wedding clip on screen — Hank tries to recite his vows, chokes up, keeps starting over: 'Margaret... I thought I knew... sorry. I thought I knew sunshine... but I... I thought I...' The audience and crew laugh; Hank walks in as they're laughing.

Artie:Artie to Hank: 'It's not a therapist, darling. It's my divorce lawyer. He's done a lot of bulk work for me. He'll give you a cut rate. He owes me.'

Artie:Artie immediately offers Hank a brochure for the Oakwood Apartments after Margaret leaves: 'Here's a brochure for the Oakwood Apartments. It's fully furnished, dishes in the kitchen, 2 pools, whole 9 yards. And the complex is just loaded with fellow divorce victims.'

Artie:Artie, continuing: 'So whenever you get the urge to piss all over your ex, everybody joins in. You'll have a ball.'

Artie · Larry:Artie backstage to Hank: 'Hey, buddy, buck up. Don't let her see you like this. She doesn't even watch the show anymore.' Larry: 'Fucking bitch.' Artie: 'Larry, maybe she IS watching. Please.'

Larry · Artie:Party scene: 'Hank seems in good spirits.' / 'Who's he dancing with?' / 'Himself.'

Artie:Artie, drunkenly to Hank: 'You're pissed... angry... but alive, god damn it, alive. Whoo!'

Artie:Artie: 'Shit, that punch is strong.'

Artie:Artie, gazing around the room: 'Got good people working here.'

Artie:Artie's phone call mid-show — 'I can't meet with you right now. I'm right in the middle of a show... Well, if it's a problem, I'll meet you right here at my monitor, right on the floor.'

Artie:"Nothing to talk about, nothing to critique. Great show, great guests tomorrow, you go home, have a glass of wine, whack off. I'll see you tomorrow."

Artie:Artie says 'I was expecting something different' upon seeing the young network liaison Daniel Palmer

Artie · Daniel Palmer:Palmer: 'I'm network liaison for late-night programming.' Artie: 'I was expecting Melanie or Dennis. No. No. No, this isn't a big enough issue for either Melanie or Dennis to get involved.'

Hank · Artie · Daniel Palmer:Hank barges in looking for his keys, is introduced to Daniel Palmer, and asks if Palmer is connected to the 'Circus of the Stars' special

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Artie to Hank: 'If you stand up too fast, you'll get hit in the head by the boom.'

Artie:"You'll have to excuse Hank. His heart's in the right place, but he keeps his brain in a box at home."

Larry · Artie:Larry and Artie get distracted playing Tetris on a Game Boy in the middle of their serious conversation

Artie:Artie's phone call from the network mid-show, cheerfully telling them Marisa Tomei is coming up and she's 'so lovely' before deferring the conversation

Artie:Artie's 'Manson had a family' response to the network's 'we're a family' speech

Artie:"No offense, Melanie. That's a delightful hair Bob. Is that what you call the style?"

Artie · Network Executives:Artie offers to write up the apology himself, then discovers the network wants it from Larry, on air — double reveal

Artie · Larry:Artie tells Larry the network meeting was 'standard stuff' and denies any mention of an apology — then reveals it in stages

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'Apologize to those bastards after they made me go on national television and say I had a drug problem? Pricks! Prick bastards!' Artie: 'That, too.'

Artie · Larry:Larry accuses Artie of being 'afraid of making waves at the network'; Artie responds: 'I've been making waves since the midwife tugged me out of my mother's underside.'

Artie:"We'll lay it at their feet, and when they bend over to pick it up, we'll kick 'em in the ass."

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'Unless you think he's doing his homework.' Artie: 'Who the fuck do you think I am, Mr. Chips?'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry asks 'Who the fuck do you think I am, Mr. Chips?' when Artie makes a homework joke, Artie replies 'OK. Sorry. Good-bye, Mr. Chips.' / 'Ta-ta.' / 'Ta-ta, Mr. Chips.'

Artie:Artie to staff: 'I don't need a bunch of butt-licking pencil-pushing pissants pissing my day away! Now get the hell upstairs before I introduce the point of my boot to your collective asses! Get!'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Good looking prosthetic.' Hank: 'Not the foot. The circus of the stars.'

Hank · Artie:'They're going with Gavin McLeod.' / 'I heard he's found the Lord.' / 'Oh, who hasn't? If I was 10 years on that boat, I'd find the Lord, too.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:'I heard he's found the Lord.' / 'Oh, who hasn't? If I was 10 years on that boat, I'd find the Lord, too.'

Artie:Artie's 'ham and bourbon sammich' lunch

Larry · Artie:Artie's speech: 'You've been biting the hand that feeds you and the hand's gonna come right up and smack you right upside the head.' Larry: 'Is this the ham talking?'

Artie:Artie reveals the network's punishment: replacing Larry's stylist Kristoff with 'Ernie, the guy that does the guys in the news department — the little guy with the palsy.'

Artie · Larry:Larry: 'I hope you like it short and uneven.' / 'Well, I'm certainly not going to apologize under some threat. What are they going to do, fire me?'

Artie:Artie: 'He's gonna stand right next to that monitor glaring at you with his ear wired to the 14th floor.'

Artie:Artie taking Melanie's congratulatory call: 'It was a magnificent apology, wouldn't you say?' — then relaying: 'It was meant to be a joke.'

Artie:Artie's divorce advice: 'Always wear the same suit. That way they think it's the only one you own. They don't rape you so much on the fucking alimony.'

Mary · Artie:Mary (on stage): 'You scared me.' Artie: 'You ain't seen nothing yet, baby.'

Mary · Artie:Mary: 'Oh, you hate being hit on by desperate men, too?' — after Artie says he feels they have something in common

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'No one loves me. No one really cares.' / Artie: 'I do.' — Hank's self-pitying collapse

Artie · Darlene:Artie's confessional about keeping 'professional distance': 'admiring your hair... tight little body... your breasts.' Escalating, then caught.

Artie:Artie explains divorce stages to Darlene: 'Shock, denial, fear, booze, boners, acceptance.'

Artie:Artie's divorce binge story: 'After my first wife gave me the gate, I went on a binge of sex, drugs, and 180-proof Everclear that lasted three years. After my fourth divorce, I was able to squeeze the same amount of debauchery into a long weekend. But I have a scar from that one.'

Darlene · Artie:Artie's six stages listed again as a callback/confirmation: 'Shock, denial, fear, booze, boners, acceptance' — Darlene's 'I've just never seen him as a sex-and-drugs kind of guy' sets it up

Artie:Artie tells Larry Hank has 'food poisoning' and to 'take care of both ends' — a crude euphemism covering for Hank's actual situation

Artie · Darlene:The therapist/expert explains that post-divorce people get 'sexually promiscuous' — immediately cuts back to Hank with his prostitute

Artie · Paul Wallum:Artie at the hotel bar: meets Paul Wallum from the network, immediately recalls his drunk Christmas party details — 'Wife named Karen. Children... Michael, Lucy. Dog... Ginger.'

Artie · Paul Wallum:Artie's indignant defense of Hank: 'Are you trying to imply that I wouldn't know of the whereabouts of my sidekick? Are you trying to suggest that I am so incompetent that I wouldn't know if Hank Kingsley was avoiding work so he could fuck a whore?'

Artie:Artie: 'He sees a bald man with a hooker. Automatically, it's Hank Kingsley. I wasn't aware Carl Reiner's out of town.'

Artie:Artie's confessional: 'Yeah, I've known Sid for close to 40 years now. I kid you not. Sid is a good man. I did him once. In 1956. It was only the one time. Now we're dear, dear friends.'

Artie:'Gonna share that doobie, sweetheart?' — Artie in the hotel room with Sid's prostitute and Hank, casually asking to share a joint

Artie · Darlene:Artie on the phone: 'Is he OK?' / Artie: 'Darlene, he's hit bottom and broke through to another bottom I know nothing about.'

Artie · Helen:Artie reunites with Helen at the hotel — she's a sex worker he apparently knew years ago. 'How's Stan and the kids? Beautiful Joanne is in New York doing God knows what. Stan had a bypass operation. That's why I'm back on my back.'

Hank · Artie:Hank's existential breakdown: 'Artie, what am I doing here? What did I do with my life? Who am I?' / Artie: 'You're Hank Kingsley. You're the best goddamn sidekick in the business. And that includes the great Al Gore. Don't you fucking forget that.'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Raul Julia was here?' / Hank: 'Raoul the waiter.' / Artie: 'Oh, man, you're going paranoid. Listen to the way you talk.'

Artie · Hank:Artie produces a loaded gun: 'Whoa, Jesus Christ, is that thing loaded?' / 'You bet it's loaded. This is a Beretta 9mm centurion. You just pick that baby up. It'll do the job for you. It'll be painless, quick. Just put it in your hand, pull the trigger.'

Artie:Artie: 'Listen, I'm gonna give housekeeping 20 bucks. I mean, you won't feel a fucking thing, but they're the ones who are gonna have to suffer. They're gonna have to clean up this mess, so just go on, hurry up! Pick it up! Put your hand on it! Come on! Don't drag this thing out!'

Artie:Artie's actual intervention: 'Aw, sweetheart. Hey, you don't wanna kill yourself. If you did, you would've done it before now.'

Artie:Artie's prediction: 'In a couple of years, you'll be married again, maybe to a strawberry blonde this time. And in a year, you'll get divorced again, and you'll wind up in this very hotel, maybe with Helen.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'That's a real gun?' / Artie: 'What do you think these fucking notches are?' / Hank: 'Oh... gimme the gun, just for a second. I just wanna scare this little shit.'

Artie:Artie presents the gun to Larry: 'You can always blow your head off. Safety's off. Ready to go. The divorce gun. Gosh, this brings back memories.'

Artie:Final talking head — someone asks how close Hank came to shooting himself. Artie: 'Oh, that fucking baby. He started crying the second I pulled it out.'

Artie:Card reads: 'To Arthur, the sweetest and... sexiest man in the world.' Cut to: 'To Donna, one of the most beautiful women I've ever had the pleasure to know.'

Artie:And will you give my congratulations and a friendly 'fuck you' to Tom Snyder?

Artie · Donna:Artie's romantic lunch cards revealed — 'Oh, I'm still thinking about last night, Arthur... It was really, really incredible... I was inspired, my dear.'

Artie · Donna:I have to give you a check for the coffee table and the lamp. / No, sir. I intend to make you work for what you owe. / [suggestive pause and 'Mmmm']

Artie · Larry:Dan Tana's. Oh, I haven't been there in 20 years. It's great to find some places never change... except for John, the chef. He's dead.

Larry · Artie:How's Donna Lasner? / She's fine. / Oh. / Miss Lasner is a dear friend of mine, Larry. / Anything else you want to know? / Nothing. / Sure? / Oh, hey. None of my business.

Larry · Artie:So it was just lunch? Nothing else? / Yeah. Kelly! / This chair and the couch, they're off the marks... / Lunch, yes, I had lunch and dessert. / If memory serves, crème brûlée. / Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. / We split it. / Yeah, well, good. Fascinating.

Artie · Larry:So we're screwing each other silly. Is that what you want to know about? / Whew, well, I gotta tell ya. I am relieved. / I thought you were leaving to take that CBS job. / Ha ha! / And you just had an affair! / Oh, sweetheart!

Artie · Larry Sanders:Lunch, yes, I had lunch and dessert. If memory serves, crème brulée. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. We split it. Yeah, well, good. Fascinating.

Artie:Ever since I pissed in Larry Tisch's pool on Labor Day, I've been persona non grata at Black Rock.

Darlene · Artie:Larry, Larry, thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much. You're wonderful. I won't let you down. I promise. Thank you! / You OK, Darlene? / I'm wonderful, Artie. Good. / I just have to go throw up now. Thank you.

Larry · Artie:I thought I was persona non grata. / Is that right? She offered you the Tom Snyder job. / Yeah. Uh-huh, wow. / You must be one hell of a lay. / I'm also a good cook, and I mix a stiff drink.

Artie:You know, every last one of my wives said they would have divorced me years before, but they just couldn't face life without my herbs and spices.

Artie · Larry:OK, you and I know I'm not considering it, so calm down. / Well, then what are you doing? Are you lying? / I'm lying for love.

Artie · Larry:I'm lying for love. / You're lying for love. / Ohh, I think that's one of the Clint Black songs he's doing tonight. / Well, if it is, it's the only one he'll be singing.

Artie:Well, if it is, it's the only one he'll be singing. I cleaned up that mess. What's the matter with you? 3 songs?

Larry · Artie:Why don't you just say no? Be done with it for the good of the show. / Hey, buddy. This is my personal area, and you're pushing me. / Now, listen, I just received an offer. Like you do, I'm considering it, and if you can't live with that, Sonny boy... tough titty.

Larry · Artie:You didn't just say 'tough titty,' did you? / Tough titty!

Artie · Larry:Aw, that's a crock of horseshit. / I think you're afraid. / Yeah, I'm afraid. / I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a lonely old geezer wondering whether your melon got chopped up or whether I told you that your ass isn't fat. / Too late. / Not for me, buddy. / My ass is fine. My ass is great. I never felt better about my ass.

Artie · Larry:Then maybe you and your fat ass can go fuck yourselves. / Thank you. I was just waiting for a go-ahead. / Go right ahead. Thank you. / Don't wait for me. / I will not wait for you.

Artie:Oh, cut the crap, Larry! I'm not taking the job! And I was just leaving.

Artie:Here's your fucking suit.

Larry · Wardrobe Person · Artie:Where are the pants? / They're letting them out in the butt. / You mean the crotch?

Larry · Artie:Ohhh. / Fuckin' beautiful. Have a drink.

Larry · Artie:I just started to realize something that's a little scary. / Yeah. Try me. / I think you're my Lisa, and I think I'm yours. / Oh, jeez! What the fuck!

Larry Sanders · Artie:I'll tell ya something. I just started to realize something that's a little scary. / Yeah. Try me. / I think you're my Lisa, and I think I'm yours. / Oh, jeez! What the fuck!

Artie:We got an hour and 23 minutes till showtime, which explains the bad timing of your jokes.

Artie · Beverly:How far did you and the fugitive get till your conscience caught up with you?

Artie:I hope Larry's back doesn't fall off. Because then, what would hold up his ass?

Larry · Artie · Hank:The chair height crisis: Larry insists the chair is a quarter-inch low, demands it adjusted, refuses to stand up to allow adjustment.

Larry · Artie:Then I'd be, uh... Alex Trebek?

Larry · Artie:Because someone has been sitting in my chair. Maybe it's mama bear.

Artie:We'll find you there?

Artie · Roseanne:What a delightful bride of Christ you make, Roseanne.

Artie:Yeah. Another jackpot in the guest crapper.

Roseanne · Artie:Bottle of Percocet half-empty. / Or half-full, depending on how you look at it.

Roseanne · Artie:Oh, a bunch of ugly sweatshirts. / Oh, boy, those things are loaded. Check the pockets and the hoods.

Artie:'The pills in this box were all prescribed by a licensed medical dentist for a very painful bridge problem.'

Artie:We can't put you in rehab, Sonny boy, because we've already used that excuse. If we do it again, I guarantee you, Fox will make a TV movie about you before the end of the year.

Artie · Artie · Roseanne · Artie · Artie:Oh, well, ER... oh, these are placebos. Part of that modified rationing program I told you about. / The pills in this box were all prescribed by a licensed medical dentist for a very painful bridge problem. / He told me root canal. / OK, so I'm not an expert in periodontics. Are you? / I need these.

Artie · Roseanne · Artie:Including Dr. Beckerman. / Dr. Beckerman? / I don't know. That name is not familiar to me.

Artie:Ha ha. No, melody, it's not pelvic, it's ocular. It's a minor eye infection.

Artie:Potential guest hosts list: Martin Mull — threatens Larry. Mike Myers — threatens Larry. Tony Danza — threatens Larry. Pat Sajak. [long beat]

Beverly · Artie:Artie, number 1 on my job description is to keep Larry's secrets to myself. That's rule number 1. / What's rule number 2, filling his prescriptions as soon as possible?

unnamed reporter/interviewer · Artie:Arthur, excuse me, but what's really wrong with Larry? Just between you and me. / Laryngitis. / For a week? / Uh, and a stomach virus. / Anything else? / A bad case of Pat Sajakitis. We're all giddy with it, my boy.

Artie:Tuna burgers, compliments of Michel Richard. They're not supposed to be microwaved, but c'est la vie. That's French for 'get 'em while they're hot!'

Artie · Roseanne:Nothing wrong with me. / Oh, yeah. Nothing a little salty dog can't fix. / You should see his filing cabinets. It's like a wine cellar with handles.

Artie · Artie · Hank:Come on, Hank. Let's go to the smoke house. / We'll bring you some ribs. / All right, see you. Hah. Hup! Hip!

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry describes seeing Roseanne in the front seat of the limo making out with the limo driver. Artie: 'All right! How many times do we have to go through this story?'

Artie · Larry Sanders:That's great. It'll be fireworks. / Oh, stop. I smell sulfur.

Artie:Artie: 'Ivanka's on Thursday. She's slim and sexy. She puts the supe in supermodel.'

Chevy Chase · Artie:Chevy arrives backstage: 'When I saw Larry at the shrink today, he said drop by.' Artie: 'When was that?' Artie then processes it: 'Oh, right. At the shrink.'