The Flirt Episode

That sign says 'applesauce.' No, I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Larry:Really. That's... You're very desperate.

Larry:Princess Di, it was announced in the paper today... has, evidently, rumored, I guess, bulimia. And this is true, I'm going to England. Hank, maybe you can help me on this, 'cause I'm not up on the protocol. I know you're not supposed to eat until they eat. Now, how would it work in this case?

Hank:All I know is always use the small fork first.

Larry:Oh, boy.

Larry:'Keep the day job' is the old joke.

Larry:Ross Perot has dropped out of the presidential race... proving again that if you have a silent T in your last name... you cannot become president. Paul Tsongas... The silent T does not work. Harry Truman, yes... because his name isn't Harry Ruman.

Larry:We have a wonderful show. Don't judge it by the jokes.

Larry:I would have voted for you, too, if you'd been in a movie.

Larry:That's the prerequisite that's stopped me from winning an Academy Award. There's some little, small print that says... you have to be in a movie to get a nomination.

Larry:Among other things, I would love to see how you do a nude scene.

Mimi Rogers:I do them... I can tell you, funny and yet sexy.

Larry:I'm an Aquarius. I think that would work. Is that right? Sure. You're a fire sign. I'm an air sign. Air feeds the fire, fans the fire, strokes the fire.

Easy.

The harder one blows the air into the fire, the more... Flame, yeah. Heat, and... Explosions can result. And before you know it, there's no way to put it out.

Larry:And my rising sign is kindling, but, please... let's get back to the nude scene.

Hank:I'm a Capricorn.

Larry:Butt out.

Hank:I can tell you that that has never stopped him before.

Larry:Now, by nude, do you mean neither of us would be wearing clothes?

Larry:Because I've been tricked before and ended up being the only one. Usually it results in a call to the police and all hell breaks out.

That's the first time you've invited anyone back for two nights in a row. And that includes Hank.

Michael Richards:What an asshole.

Michael Richards:Why is he inviting her back? I'm the one who got bumped.

Mimi Rogers:Jazzercise.

No, but glad to hear the Russian lessons are working out for you.

Try the veal. I don't care that they live in cages. It's out of this world.

You know, if Hank does well he gets a year's supply of Turtle Wax.

Jeannie:So, do you fuck her on the desk or on the couch? I'm guessing the desk because Hank is on the couch... and I know you're not into that.

Larry:It'll be George Segal month.

We've got nothing.

Artie:The heavy one has such a pretty face.

Larry:Actually, kindling is my rising sign. So we could build quite a fire there.

Artie:This is like watching the Rodney King tape. Don't make me watch this anymore.

Artie:I have seen the hand on the hand done many times. I, myself, have done it with Gregory Peck. Trust me, I felt nothing.

Larry:All I'm saying is I've played this course before. I know right where it goes. Hand on hand, flirting backstage... and then I'm fuckin' 'em in Hank's Malibu pad.

Larry:You don't want to do that. He's had septic problems with that place.

Larry:Tell them I have Dutch elm disease.

Larry:Leno will be jealous. I think he's just got that has-been Julia Roberts on.

Larry:I am not gonna ask her about when she lost her virginity... because then I'll have to tell mine, and it always embarrasses my sister.

Larry:Always embarrasses my sister, I say. Never mind. I get it.

Bert Crawley:It seems these two colored fellas were sittin' on the porch... I don't think there's going to be enough time tonight. But this is a very funny joke! It'll make their hair giggle! I'm sure it's great. It doesn't have to be colored. We can make them Polack.

Hank:Oprah's actually a small, white Jewish man. But don't tell anybody.

Larry:You're such a good actress that I thought you were serious for a second.

Are you okay?

Larry:I have a rotator cuff problem. I threw it out during the monologue.

Bert Crawley:You look so much thinner in person.

Bert Crawley:There's these two Jews sitting on the porch. One of them says to the other...

Hank:That's your philtrum. I know, 'cause it's very hard to cover up.

Hank:Usually you take the keys by the third try.

Larry:That? I'm not gonna see that. You do that all day long anyway.

Mimi Rogers:You are completely adorable when you can't take a compliment.

Larry:'Camptown Races.' I know that song. Sounds good to me.

Artie:She's singing 'Camptown Races' with a guy who carves soap. She's just being a good guest.

Michelle Pfeiffer?

Bert Crawley:It doesn't have to be colored. We can make them Polack.

Hank Kingsley · Unknown:Oh, it's you. — Hey, Hank. — You just get here? — Yeah, busy day. Up to my shorts. I was doing a commercial spot for Stanley Light Duty Hammers. — How'd it go? — What do you mean? It was fine. It was just a job. Got a check.

Hank Kingsley:Except nails. They said absolutely no nails.

Larry Sanders:I wear far less than any other talk-show host. Oprah's actually a small, white Jewish man. But don't tell anybody.

Larry Sanders · Mimi Rogers:That's a great area, that artificial flirting thing. The audience loves that. — Did it seem artificial? — Well, you know, not artificial... but, you know, not real. — Oh, I was serious.

Larry Sanders:Oh, man! I really thought... You're such a good actress that I thought you were serious for a second.

Mimi Rogers · Larry Sanders:Are you okay? — I have a rotator cuff problem. I threw it out during the monologue.

Larry Sanders:I wear far less than any other talk-show host.

Mimi Rogers:I already told you that.

Larry Sanders:I don't actually have his actual number. But I will give you this. — So this is... — This is my number. You can call me to get his number.

Unknown · Bert Crawley:You look so much thinner in person. — I'm Bert Crawley, soap carver from Minneapolis.

Bert Crawley · Beverly:I also tell jokes. There's these two Jews sitting on the porch. — One of them says to the other... — Sorry, Larry.

Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley:She was standing right on top of me. I could count the little hairs on that groove under her nose. What do you call that? — This thing? What is that? — It's a cleft. — No, the cleft is your chin. — That's your philtrum. I know, 'cause it's very hard to cover up.

Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley:I could count the hairs on the philtrum there. — you want the keys to my Place in Malibu? — No, I don't want the keys. — You sure? — No, I'm not sure, but I'm married.

Larry's Wife:I'm gonna catch up with him at home.

Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley:Hank, I'm not gonna fuck it up this time. — I'm really impressed. This is a new Larry. Usually you take the keys by the third try.

Artie · Larry Sanders:If I feel you're getting into any dangerous flirting territory with Mimi, I'll make a signal like this. — I'm not gonna be able to see that. Like what? — That? I'm not gonna see that. You do that all day long anyway.

Larry Sanders · Mimi Rogers:Did they like it? — They liked you. — As a matter of fact, my mother thought you were very cute.

Larry Sanders:Well, moms do like me.

Larry Sanders:And, Bert... may I say, you're adorable when you can't take a compliment. Not that I'd given you one, but it's a feeling I have.

Larry Sanders:Bert, didn't you have a joke you wanted to tell?

Mimi Rogers:How's your shoulder doing? Did you call my chiropractor?

Larry Sanders:My shoulder has been feeling much better. Thank you for asking, if I may say.

Larry Sanders · Mimi Rogers · Bert Crawley:Let's watch Nightline. — How about a song? — A song! Bert, do you know any songs? — 'Camptown Races.' — I know that song. — Sounds good to me.

Artie · Larry Sanders:You got out of it this time. — I did? — Yeah. She's singing 'Camptown Races' with a guy who carves soap.

Larry Sanders · Larry's Wife:She's just being a good guest. — Are you sticking up for her? — No, I'm not. — Are you? — No. I'm not sticking up for her. We're having an argument about Mimi Rogers. — Isn't that ridiculous? — Yes. — That's exactly my point.

Larry Sanders:I'm sorry. I'm not gonna flirt anymore on television... anywhere else and television and anywhere.

Larry's Wife:We'll take it one day at a time.

Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley:I'll see you tomorrow night. My guests will be Boyz II Men, Danny DeVito, and, oh, Michelle Pfeiffer. — Michelle Pfeiffer?