It's contract negotiation time for Hank and he's going for a raise ... and a golf cart.
WAR
113
Wins Above Replacement
“Hank's Contract” ranks #19 of 90 The Larry Sanders Show episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 90.2 — Elite. The episode packs 84 scored jokes at 3.0 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.2 on impact, with Larry landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Artie · Larry: You did have that offer to go on after Nightline, didn't you? [pause] Fuck no.
Artie: You did have that offer to go on after Nightline, didn't you?
Larry: Fuck no.
Hank Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Hank: I had to pay for it myself, so don't tell anybody, okay?
Hank Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Hank: Well, I can't do that, can I? ... I've just been on national TV and I've just said, 'Hank Kingsley will not cave in.' So, I am fucked.
Hank Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Larry Sanders: That is not the issue. You'd think the network would care enough about me to do what I tell them. It's an insult. This is an insult.
All Jokes — 84 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ George: The worst thing you can do is box a left-hander. Why? They're put on backwards as it is.
Larry: Wouldn't that prepare you properly? That's a great idea.
George: I wasn't born yesterday. I never thought about that.
Larry: you'll agree with me... I don't think I should cave in, right?
George: No, not at all. Belly-bump or do something.
Larry Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Steam coming out of my ass, Arty.
Artie: At the moment, the latest demand is a golf cart to drive around the studio. Poor deluded bastard.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Artie: My dog wouldn't eat that shit.
Artie: Do you think that stain on his pants is from the gumbo? I don't think so.
Hank: Kenny Stabler? He played football. Basketball. I didn't have any spare footballs around when he was on the show... so it's the closest kind of ball I could find.
Larry Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Artie: How do you place a value on a man who introduces Wynnona Judd as 'TheJudd'?
Larry Deadpan/Understatement Callback Callback Artie: Fuck it, it's free cake. We can't miss this.
Larry Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Hank: If someone invented a camera that could take, you know, snapshots of our feelings... I would take a picture of this moment and keep it in the wallet of my heart forever.
Artie Larry Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch I say he goes right into the cruise director story.
Bet you a hundred bucks it's the telephone story.
Every time we have a going-away party for you, it's just too much of a downer.
Barbara: That number you gave me was to some dry cleaner's in Torrance.
Hank: Yeah, the area code got changed.
Barbara: Bullshit. I am not your whore.
Larry Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Hank: People see you in enough of those lawn furniture spots... they tend to fantasize about you.
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Larry: Why do I need this car anyway? I already have a car.
Car salesman: 'Cause you deserve it. It's safer, and it's classier.
Larry: let Arty and I take care of the strippers... because we can probably find one that doesn't know you.
Hank Character Comedy Reaction Beat Hank: She was half theJudds. Now there's just one of them, so she's a... she is a Judd. She is a singleJudd!
Hank Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Hank: What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the fuck is so comical about that?
Larry: It was a back tooth, Hank. I don't know how you did it.
Hank: That was the speaker phone. Nice try.
Hank Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Hank: When you let one go, boy.
Larry: Hello. That was the speaker phone.
Hank: Nice try.
Artie: I was eating a sandwich in my office when suddenly I heard you guys.
Hank Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Hank: I'm tired of being your personal village idiot.
Robin Williams: If men carried the baby, wouldn't it? He'd be like, 'I got things to do. Get it out! Yeah, right, okay. Yeah, okay, I see it. Come on.'
Hank Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Robin Williams: It's just too damn easy. He looks like a before from Hair Club.
Larry: I can't go with you on that. I cannot.
Larry: my head reminded you of your penis after a cold swim... I was honored.
Robin Williams: He's hung like a field mouse. It's like a little sundial. Honey, what time is it? Get the baby. It's 3:00. Oh, 2:30 now. It's real cold.
Larry Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Artie: Don't you know? No, my TV stops at channel 13... the way it's supposed to.
Hank Character Comedy Escalation Hank: Hey, you untalented, overpriced sidekick... you're just another piece of meat to us... so why don't you take what we gave you last year and be happy with that... you worthless piece of shit?
Hank Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Hank: There's no Cavett. You hear me? Zip on Cavett. I'm bluffing.
Larry Artie Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Shel: It's that golf cart I told you about last week.
Artie: I smell urine here.
Hank Larry Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Larry: I don't mean on these stairs. I mean, you know, the network.
Larry Callback Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Hank: I had to pay for it myself, so don't tell anybody, okay?
Hank Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Hank: You got a very different way of showing your love, don't you?
Larry: I've seen men be burned in dark interiors.
Larry Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Callback Artie: You did have that offer to go on after Nightline, didn't you?
Larry: Fuck no.
Hank Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Larry: It was a back tooth, Hank. [beat] I don't know how you did it.
Larry Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Larry · Hank: You cut one? What the hell was that? [beat] That was the speaker phone.
Larry Hank Physical/Slapstick Misdirection ★ Rewatch Hank: Nice try. No, someone's listening to our conversation on the speaker phone.
Hank Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Artie: It's me, Larry, Arthur. [long pause]
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Awkward Silence ★ Rewatch Artie: I don't know. I have no idea how I got on the phone. I was eating a sandwich in my office when suddenly I heard you guys.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Artie: How's my old buddy, Hank? [offered while clearly listening in]
Artie Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Hank: I'm tired of being your personal village idiot.
Hank Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Robin Williams · Larry: I didn't actually have the baby, but my wife did. It'd be different if men carried the baby, wouldn't it? He'd be like, 'I got things to do. Get it out! Yeah, right, okay.'
Robin Williams: It'd be different if men carried the baby, wouldn't it? He'd be like, 'I got things to do. Get it out! Yeah, right, okay. Yeah, okay, I see it. Come on.'
Robin Williams: We'll be right back. You come back, or you're dead.
Larry Sanders: Delightful, Robin, delightful. Sir, your mind is a national treasure.
Robin Williams · Larry: Enough of the bullshit. How am I really doing? ...You're Robin Williams. You aren't aware of that? If I was you, I'd never ask how I was doing.
Robin Williams · Larry Sanders: How am I really doing? / You're Robin Williams. You aren't aware of that? If I was you, I'd never ask how I was doing.
Robin Williams: Oh, man. If you were me, you wouldn't be wearing this suit, I guess. I don't look like an Irish pimp?
Robin Williams: It's just too damn easy. He looks like a before from Hair Club.
Robin Williams · Larry Sanders: It's just too damn easy. He looks like a before from Hair Club. / I can't go with you on that. I cannot.
Larry · Robin Williams: Can I ask you a question? Can you autograph this for my niece, Jennifer. She's six years old. Peter Pan? What? Peter Pan, Mork, whatever.
Larry · Robin Williams: My head reminded you of your penis after a cold swim... I was honored.
Hank Kingsley: What are you talking about? If I said that, you'd have been pissed off.
Larry Sanders · Robin Williams: You're not gonna do Arsenio or Leno, are you? / I've got to. / Fucker. / Hey, it's a business. Get used to it. Blow me.
Robin Williams: He's hung like a field mouse. I mean, you pop the diaper and ping! It's like a little sundial. Honey, what time is it? Get the baby. Look, it's 3:00. Oh, 2:30 now. It's real cold.
Artie · Hank: The trend in talk shows today is not to have a sidekick. Yeah, it is a dying art... but I've been having talks with Dick Cavett about co-hosting.
Artie Hank Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Hank · Artie: What's he doing? He has his own talk show on CNBC. CNBC? What the hell is that? What's that mean? No, my TV stops at channel 13, the way it's supposed to.
Hank Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Hank: Arty, I'm not going anywhere. I got the network by the balls on this one.
Hank Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Larry: You sure do keep it dark in here, don't you?
Larry Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Hank Kingsley: You sure do keep it dark in here, don't you?
Hank: 'Hey, you untalented, overpriced sidekick, you're just another piece of meat to us, so why don't you take what we gave you last year and be happy with that, you worthless piece of shit?'
Hank Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Hank: Well, I can't do that, can I? ... I've just been on national TV and I've just said, 'Hank Kingsley will not cave in.' So, I am fucked.
Hank Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Hank · Larry: It's gonna be bad enough when this thing hits the front page of Variety. The second page, at least.
Hank Larry Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Hank: Zip on Cavett. I'm bluffing.
Hank Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Larry · Hank: I thought you were bluffing. [long beat] Oh, my God.
Larry Hank Reaction Beat Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Artie · Larry: Jesus, Larry, I could have gotten us a nice table at Musso's. I didn't want anybody to see us, that's all.
Artie · Larry: I have breakfast with Fred Dryer early in the morning. Oh, boy, you must be excited. I bet you won't sleep all night.
Shel · Larry · Artie: He wants a five percent raise, he wants gross percentage points, he wants three weeks additional paid vacation, and he wants a Hankmobile. What's a Hankmobile? It's that golf cart I told you about last week. I smell urine here.
Shel Davidoff · Larry Sanders · Artie: He wants a five percent raise, he wants gross percentage points, he wants three weeks additional paid vacation, and he wants a Hankmobile. / What's a Hankmobile? / It's that golf cart I told you about last week. I smell urine here.
Larry: Give him everything he wants, or you know what's gonna happen? I'm off the show. I mean it. If he goes, I go, Shel.
Larry Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Larry: I can go on after Nightline anytime I want. Call Bob Iger at ABC. He'll tell you.
Larry Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Larry: I don't mean on these stairs. I mean, you know, the network.
Larry Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Larry Sanders: 'Didn't know it was a mannequin.' Look at that. They must love you.
Larry · Hank: Did you get the salary bump? [long pause] Yes.
Hank: The salary bump was so great that I felt I should give them something. So, you know... I don't need syndication points.
Hank Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Larry · Hank: What about the vacation? Three weeks? Week and a half.
Hank: I had to pay for it myself, so don't tell anybody, okay?
Hank Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Hank · Larry: You know how I feel about this. You're gonna kiss me this time. No, come on, come on.
Larry: The network is fucked, you know that? I lay myself out on the line, and they still don't give Hank everything. What the fuck is that?
Larry Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Artie: The poor baby. He seems happy.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Larry Sanders: That is not the issue. You'd think the network would care enough about me to do what I tell them. It's an insult. This is an insult.
Artie · Larry: You did have that offer to go on after Nightline, didn't you? [pause] Fuck no.
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