Larry Sanders

George Foreman · Larry:The worst thing you can do is box a left-hander. They're put on backwards as it is.

George Foreman · Larry:Hank is getting ready to drop his contract, so I might as well get him.

Larry:That Hank is not leaving the network. He is in contract negotiations. He is not leaving the show. He's in contract negotiations.

Larry:Now, wait a minute. I had an offer last year... I could have gone on after Nightline.

Larry:It's not you, Shel. It's that gumbo. My dog wouldn't eat that shit.

Larry · Artie:Do you think that stain on his pants is from the gumbo? I don't think so.

Larry:Don't I have enough pressure on me with everything without worrying about what you were like when you were 30 and who you dated?

Artie · Larry:Does the name Kim Novak mean anything? Get outta here.

Artie · Larry:Yeah, but Kenny Stabler? He played football... Basketball... I know.

Larry · Artie:You should thank Arty anyway. He's the one who wrote it. He put it on the cards for me. I just read it off the cards. Where it would have stayed had you not read it.

Larry:How do you place a value on a man who introduces Wynonna Judd as 'The Judd'?

Larry · Artie:Isn't he taking this a little seriously this time? Fuck it, it's free cake. We can't miss this.

Larry · Artie:I say he goes right into the cruise director story. Bet you a hundred bucks it's the telephone story. You're on.

Larry:People see you in enough of those lawn furniture spots, they tend to fantasize about you.

Larry · Artie:Don't leave me alone with Hank. I'll be listening on the speaker phone. I'll be with you spiritually.

Hank · Larry:Talk to Shel recently? About anything in particular? No, about my hair weave. About my leaving.

Larry:Next year, when we have the going-away party, let Arty and I take care of the strippers, because we can probably find one that doesn't know you.

Larry:She was half the Judds. Now there's just one of them, so she is a Judd. She is a single Judd!

Larry:It was a back tooth, Hank. [beat] I don't know how you did it.

Larry · Hank:You cut one? What the hell was that? [beat] That was the speaker phone.

Robin Williams · Larry:I didn't actually have the baby, but my wife did. It'd be different if men carried the baby, wouldn't it? He'd be like, 'I got things to do. Get it out! Yeah, right, okay.'

Robin Williams · Larry:Enough of the bullshit. How am I really doing? ...You're Robin Williams. You aren't aware of that? If I was you, I'd never ask how I was doing.

Larry · Robin Williams:Can I ask you a question? Can you autograph this for my niece, Jennifer. She's six years old. Peter Pan? What? Peter Pan, Mork, whatever.

Larry · Robin Williams:My head reminded you of your penis after a cold swim... I was honored.

Larry:You sure do keep it dark in here, don't you?

Hank · Larry:It's gonna be bad enough when this thing hits the front page of Variety. The second page, at least.

Larry · Hank:I thought you were bluffing. [long beat] Oh, my God.

Artie · Larry:Jesus, Larry, I could have gotten us a nice table at Musso's. I didn't want anybody to see us, that's all.

Artie · Larry:I have breakfast with Fred Dryer early in the morning. Oh, boy, you must be excited. I bet you won't sleep all night.

Shel · Larry · Artie:He wants a five percent raise, he wants gross percentage points, he wants three weeks additional paid vacation, and he wants a Hankmobile. What's a Hankmobile? It's that golf cart I told you about last week. I smell urine here.

Larry:Give him everything he wants, or you know what's gonna happen? I'm off the show. I mean it. If he goes, I go, Shel.

Larry:I can go on after Nightline anytime I want. Call Bob Iger at ABC. He'll tell you.

Larry:I don't mean on these stairs. I mean, you know, the network.

Larry · Hank:Did you get the salary bump? [long pause] Yes.

Larry · Hank:What about the vacation? Three weeks? Week and a half.

Hank · Larry:You know how I feel about this. You're gonna kiss me this time. No, come on, come on.

Larry:The network is fucked, you know that? I lay myself out on the line, and they still don't give Hank everything. What the fuck is that?

Artie · Larry:You did have that offer to go on after Nightline, didn't you? [pause] Fuck no.

Larry:Larry's Clinton/Redford deficit joke: 'For a million dollars, he'd let Robert Redford sleep with Hillary'

Larry:'If Robert Redford has to pay a million dollars to get laid... Do I need to finish this thought? Imagine what Hank must have to pay.'

Larry:Larry is watching TV, tells his wife on the phone he's watching Bonanza — 'That is not Hank. That is Hoss.'

Larry:Larry's phone call with Jeannie: a long series of 'Uh-huh. Right. Uh-huh.' as she apparently lists his failings, punctuated by 'Hey, that is more of a quirk, don't you think?'

Larry · Beverly:'Why do you put her through?' / 'Larry, you called her.' / 'Oh, that's right.'

Larry · Beverly:'Do I have trouble prioritizing emotional commitments?' / 'Oh, please, don't ask me. I haven't had a healthy relationship since junior high.' / 'Oh. Wow. Well, let's stick to me today.'

Larry:Larry reads the Letterman article aloud, muttering and fast-forwarding through the parts he doesn't care about with 'blah blah blah'

Larry:Larry muttering to himself: 'Just what I need — someone taking more of the younger audience.'

Larry · Artie:'Jesus! Are you laying in your own puke?' (Artie's entrance, apparently disheveled)

Artie · Larry:'We have an excellent show tonight — supermodel Kathy Ireland and two mystery guests.' / 'Who are they?' / 'It's a mystery.' / 'They don't need to be a mystery to me, Artie. I'm the host.'

Larry:'Bastards. Shit.' — Larry's reaction to learning the Emmy nominations don't include him

Larry · Artie:'I'll bet you Billy Crystal hosting the Academy Awards.' / 'What's the other one?' / 'A Jackie Mason Hanukkah, Artie?'

Larry · Artie:'Cable shows should be a different category. We're slipping.' / 'Absolutely not.' / 'I'm not blaming you.'

Artie · Larry:'Walk it off.' / 'Walk it off?' / 'Cancel. Move on.' / 'Why don't I just put ice on it? It's a marriage, for God's sakes!'

Larry · Artie:Larry and Artie both start purring when told Kathy Ireland is trying on wardrobe

Artie · Larry:Artie and Larry both start purring/eagerly responding to news that Kathy Ireland is trying on wardrobe

Artie · Larry:Artie's speech to get Larry to go see Kathy Ireland: 'Supermodel, costume changes, fittings... anything could happen.' Larry: 'Oh, as attractive as you make it sound.'

Larry · Beverly:Larry asks Beverly to get Jeannie on the phone, Beverly refuses ('Uh-uh. No.'), Larry immediately says 'Good. Get me a hot towel.'

Larry:Larry's extended spiral about hot towels: 'They're out there. You don't need to check. Artie was selling them like there's no tomorrow...' building to 'I'm going crazy. I hear Jeannie crying in my head.'

Larry:'Jerry Van Dyke. Fuck him.' — Larry's non-sequitur outburst, apparently upon seeing a name on the Emmy nominee list

Larry · Melanie Parrish:Larry to Melanie Parrish, repeating 'Artie's not here' three times as she tries to discuss real business

Kathy Ireland · Larry · Artie:Larry's paralyzed response to Kathy Ireland — shoe conversation: 'What do you think of my shoes?' / 'They're great. Open-toed. Mine are closed-toed—' / 'I like all your shoes.'

Kathy Ireland · Larry · Artie:'I feel embarrassed talking about my photos. I have a new movie.' [Pause] 'The last paisan.' 'I saw it twice.' 'It's not out yet.' 'I hear you're wonderful.'

Larry · Artie:'Until we get this show on track, I have no dick.' / 'No dick? Check.'

Artie · Larry:Ratings discussion: 'Remember, Koppel had the Buttafuocos.' / 'Jesus, he's dipping into the toilet.' / 'I agree.' / 'Why didn't we get the Buttafuocos on?' / 'They turned us down.' / 'Good. They're not right for the show anyway.'

Artie · Larry:'That's going to be Hank.' / 'If it's Hank, why isn't Hank here?' / 'Hank has one line, and it's his name. You think he can do that without a rehearsal?'

Larry · Artie:'Isn't Cap in a Can funnier than Hat in a Can?' / 'Cap in a can. Ha! You're right! That's funnier. Cap in a can!'

Larry · Artie:'How would the brim know to come out of the can before the rest of the hat?' / 'Are you actually questioning the reality of this?' / 'If I don't, who will?'

Artie · Larry · Staff member:Artie on how many divorce jokes he has: 'A couple.' / 'How many?' / '200.' / 'He's been working on them since 1989.'

Beverly · Larry:Jeannie's legal restraining order against Larry making any jokes about her on the show

Larry:'I recognize this stationery.' — Larry's response to Jeannie's legal document

Larry · Artie:'I won't even get the dog.' / 'No, no. Lee Marvin lost everything but the dog.'

Larry:Larry reading the Letterman quote aloud: 'I'm not the kind of person who wants to see somebody else fail on television... I'm in pretty good shape.'

Larry · Hank:'What kind of bit?' / 'Two guys with patches on.' / 'Take it off.'

Hank · Larry:Hank presents a puppy with the inscription 'Have fun in Vegas'

Larry:Paul Shaffer quote: 'I don't care where Dave goes, as long as I go with him.' Larry: 'What a little kiss-ass.'

Larry:After the cap-in-a-can spray, the subject Bob Stevens sits there with a hilariously bad spray-hair result; Larry says 'Well... This is really going to sell.'

Larry · Hank:Larry calls out 'Bob? Hank? Yeah.' — the bit trails off with Bob apparently unable to respond and Hank stepping in with nothing

Larry:'Let's book Boy George. His smack problems are behind him.'

Larry:Larry's chest pain during the Los Lobos performance: 'You ever feel like somebody grabbed you, when they weren't there?'

Larry:Larry, waking from his hospital bed, first words: 'Get the fuck off the bed.'

Larry · Hank:Hank says 'I'd like a moment alone with Beverly, please.' Larry: 'He wants a moment alone with Beverly.' / Hank: 'Hank, I heard what he said.'

Larry · Beverly:'This heart attack is a warning.' / 'It was a heart episode.' / 'You know what I mean.' / 'I'm 40 years old.' / 'You're 42.'

Larry · Beverly:The dog: Larry says 'I want it. Get the dog.' / Beverly: 'Jeannie stopped by... And she took the dog.'

Darlene · Larry · Staff member:'Is that anything like a Designing Women episode?' / 'Yes, in that they both make you sick?' / 'Yes, and involve fatty build-up.'

Larry · Staff member · Beverly · Artie:Larry dictating how get-well responses should be signed: 'Should I put Best wishes or Thanks for caring?' / 'Ah, your choice.' / 'Beverly, please.' / 'Oh, leave him be, Beverly.'

Beverly · Larry:'But you've got 2 miles of faxes out there.' / 'Well, all right.' — Larry immediately consoled by the fax metric beating the card metric

Larry · Helen Hunt:Larry's flattery to Helen Hunt: 'I think the viewing public is watching because they're Mad about you.' / 'Thank you very much.' / 'I personally think most people are mad about you.' / 'No — most, uh, most people are mad at me.'

Larry · Helen Hunt:Larry's on-air interview with Helen Hunt about Mad About You: 'He has a dog and I have a neurotic sister and we both have jobs and somehow in there... Mad About You.'

Larry · Helen Hunt:'I personally think that most people are mad about you.' / 'No. Most people are mad AT me.' [Laughter]

Larry:'Wow, if your back end gets too big, you gotta get a Stairmaster.'

Larry · Helen Hunt:Larry asks about Helen Hunt's Hawaii story, then abruptly cuts to commercial when she starts telling it: 'Hey, why don't you hold that thought, and I'll be right back.'

Larry:Larry loses track of the interview: 'How was your fish? It's a little dry.' — completely random tangent mid-interview

Larry:Larry's post-show assessment of Helen Hunt: 'All she talked about was show business, and all I did was pretend to be interested.'

Hank · Larry:Hank's Disney waitress pitch: 'They drove in all the way from Anaheim... do you think they wanna drive all the way back there tonight? ... After all, that is a 2-hour drive.' / 'I think that's just to the monorail stop, isn't it?'

Artie · Larry:'Maybe just as well it didn't go anywhere.' / 'I won't book her anymore.'

Hank · Larry:Hank's closing pitch: 'Two lovely ladies from Anaheim, Disney employees, waitresses. The Dumbo Hilton — the Dumbo Hyatt — I don't know.' / [Both] 'Bel Air Hotel!'

Hank · Larry:Hank's 'Bel Air Hotel' callback and 8-ball metaphor: 'Larry, this is 8 ball in the corner pocket. This is game over. All we need are our cue sticks.' / 'You bring the chalk.'

Hank · Larry:Hank's blow jobs callback: 'The best relief in the world for stress is—' / 'Don't say it, Hank.' / 'Blowjobs.' / 'Main floor, talk show. Think about it.'

Larry · Hank:You know, I've been known to have Wild Palms myself. [Hank] Hey, now. Don't worry, they're not hairy.

Larry:No, I had a minor heart episode.

Larry:It is very common among talk show hosts. Regis Philbin had angioplasty recently.

Larry:There's a very fine line between being a booker and a pimp.

Artie · Larry:Besides, left to your own devices — ooh, you don't pick winners. You talk about it like it's the track.

Larry:I will ruin my life on my own, thank you.

Larry:It was more of a 'get to know you' thing than a date, really.

Larry · Hank:Which one? Shoes. That's all it says. Yeah, I know. That's great. No joke in there.

Larry:Wow. Is that the Hollywood Gap or the Santa Monica Gap?

Larry · Hank:I will ruin my life on my own. But will you just think about it? I better ruin it on my own. All right.

Hank · Larry:Teri Garr. She's — she's cute. She's funny, isn't she?

Larry:He does a trick when I — if I hold food in front of his face, and I ask him a question, like, 'Is it a nice day?' and I go like this, he goes yes. So it's kind of a trained dog and kind of, uh, just a dog.

Teri Garr · Larry:Well, you know, my grandfather will do that. Really? Yes. You can go, 'Grandpa, isn't it cold outside?' [pause] Ha ha ha ha ha! And he nods, even though it's 105 degrees.

Teri Garr · Larry:And the joke is on grandpa. / Right. Same with the dog.

Larry · Beverly · Darlene:Larry walks in, greets them warmly. Beverly: [whispers] 'Never mind.'

Larry:That is fascinating. So you actually have a — the Gap actually has a branch in Santa Monica?

Katya/Bree · Larry:Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. The location is great, but the personnel manager is such a bitch. / Oh, there is no excuse for that. I hate that. That's not — that's not right.

Larry · Hank:Well, this is fun, isn't it? This is fun. You having fun? Yeah. I mean, it's a refreshing change from those self-obsessed showbiz women.

Larry · Hank:Hey, hey, isn't that Susan Anton? Isn't that Susan? Right there. / No. / Yeah. / No. Very similar look, but — / No, that's exactly her look. Susan.

Susan Anton · Larry · Hank:Hey, Larry, hi. / I'm good. Good. / Um, hey, why don't you sit down and, uh — / Actually, uh, no. We're in the middle of something right now, Sue. / Oh, oh, sure. Well, yeah. / Pull up a chair.

Larry · Hank:What are you doing? / Believe me, this is something you do not want to get into right now.

Hank · Larry:Could I ask you something? / What? / Um, I like the blonde. / Fine. Great. Thanks. / You're welcome. / Thanks for what?

Larry · Katya:So, uh, Katia, um — How long have you been in retail? / A while.

Larry · Katya:Is it your dream to, uh, some day have your own retail? / Store?

Larry:This is gonna embarrass you, uh, Katia. You have — you have the most — can I — do you mind? I know it's embarrassing, but that's the most incredible blonde hair.

Larry:Actually, when I was a teenager, my hair was very — it was very close to that color.

Larry · Hank · Artie:Yeah. You, me, Artie. What do you say? / That's great. Like the old days. / Yeah. I don't know what old days you're talking about, but that general idea, yeah.

Artie · Larry:Who's that? / It's a woman. / Yecch.

Larry · Hank:This is my first wife Francine. You probably don't recall 'cause it's been quite a while.

Larry · Francine:Didn't we have him over to the house more than once? / No, we didn't. / You only let me invite each of your friends over one time.

Francine · Larry:Oh, um, working on this piece about Hollywood unions. I was interviewing some of the tech people here. Lot of productions going up to Canada, and some of these guys are really — / You look great.

Larry:Yes, I was. You were talking about the Hollywood unions and, uh, tech people really getting hurt. I bleed for those people, you know? But you really do look great.

Francine · Larry:I heard you had a heart attack or something. / Your wife left you, but I didn't hear about the Emmy — / Yeah, we didn't get nominated again. / Aw, I'm sorry. Those are such nice statues.

Larry · Francine:Now I'm just gonna — I built all these bookshelves, I'm gonna have to put books on 'em. / Which fools nobody. / Don't I know.

Francine · Larry:Yeah. You come here a lot, huh? / No, I don't. / Really? Mm-mmm. / There's a caricature of you over there on the wall. / Oh, that's Barbra Streisand.

Francine · Larry:Hmm. That looks exactly like you. / Well, you know, these aren't supposed to be flattering. Caricatures never are.

Larry · Francine:You see Nick Nolte over there? Look, he looks like Rose Marie. / Oh, look. I thought that was Gene Autry. / Huh? No. That's Nick Nolte.

Francine · Larry:Then why are you waving at him? / Because he's waving at me. / He's a very powerful man. He could get me a movie. / Do you want a movie? / No, but it would be nice to be asked.

Francine · Larry:Stop waving. / I can't stop waving. / Help me stop. Do something. / Just — [sighs] / You just gave Mike Ovitz the finger.

Francine · Larry:What is wrong with you? / Would you stop? / Stop what? / He didn't even see it. He saw you. He doesn't need to see it. He can feel it. He's an agent.

Francine · Larry:Boy, you have really changed. / I know. / I like it. / Yeah? / Yeah, but you gotta be careful 'cause someone's gonna shoot you in this town if you flip 'em off like that.

Larry · Francine:What if I told you I have a gun? / You have a gun? / Yes, I do. / Jesus, you've changed. / I know.

Larry · Hank:I want to thank them for returning the couch, and Hank. Oh. It's — it's on a — it's on a timer. Wait a minute. Oh, that — that thing's happening again, where your suit disappears into the curtain.

Larry · Hank:Looks like a big floating head. / That doesn't really bother me anymore anyway. / Really? / Well, that's good. / Great. Thank you.

Larry:Larry turns off his own show: 'I don't turn my show off for anybody.' Then immediately turns it off.

Larry · Barry Levinson:Larry awkwardly pivots from movies to hobbies after the director refuses to discuss his film

Larry · Barry Levinson:The director says 'No' to having hobbies; audience laughs at the dead end Larry has walked himself into

Larry · Barry Levinson:Larry uses the backdoor logic of 'movie merchandising' to get the director to reveal his film is 'a story about a man who's finding himself'

Barry Levinson · Larry:Levinson finally reveals the film is 'a story about a man who's finding himself' — drawing laughter from the audience

Larry · Artie:Larry immediately backstage tells Artie he handled the Levinson interview poorly; Artie says 'You always do this when you're renegotiating your contract'

Stevie Grant · Larry:Stevie Grant arrives and tells Larry 'you've got the network by the balls. They can't do this job.'

Larry · Barry Levinson:After the warm Levinson reunion, Larry and Barry discuss who the guests are tomorrow night — Larry refuses to say

Leo · Artie · Larry:Leo's contract offer reveal — Artie says 'No offense' before showing the number, Artie says 'None taken' at the network's low offer

Larry · Leo:Larry: 'I thought we were going to go after Letterman money.' Leo: 'Well, Letterman had to leave a network in order to get that kind of money. I mean, is that the kind of move you want to make?'

Larry · Leo · Artie:Larry: 'It's not Leno money, is it?' / Leo: 'Oh, no, no. It's much better than that.' / Larry: 'Cause I hear he's getting fucked.' / Leo: 'Oh, he's getting fucked.'

Larry · Leo · Artie:Larry: 'Let's talk about Sanders money.' / Leo: 'What does Arsenio get?' / Artie: 'Too much.'

Larry · Leo:Larry: 'I want you to fight, ok?' / Leo: 'Gotcha!' — delivered with inexplicable enthusiasm

Francine · Leo · Larry · Artie:Larry's ex-wife (Francine) walks in and immediately invites Leo to dinner at Larry's house without asking Larry

Larry · Artie:Larry (after Leo leaves): 'What? Wasn't I supposed to invite him?'

Stevie Grant · Beverly · Larry:Stevie to Beverly: 'Look out. She's a sassy one.' Beverly: 'I beg your pardon?'

Larry · Hank:Larry notices Hank is wearing tap shoes and clicking around the office: 'Is it my imagination or are you clicking?'

Larry · Artie:Larry: '5-pound bag of sand?' / Artie: '5-pound bag of sand.' / Artie: 'He's doing that big tap number from Lawrence of Arabia. It's a killer.'

Stevie Grant · Larry:Stevie closes his new deal with Larry with a handshake, then says 'I'll send some contracts over for you to sign in the morning'

Stevie Grant · Larry:Stevie: 'Just you, Larry' — re: frozen yogurt being Stevie's special gesture for his most important client

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'He's got a different style, that's all.' Larry: 'That kind of style got men fragged in the corps.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'He got us Bill Murray for Friday.' Artie: 'No shit? That's right.' / Artie: [yells] 'You know all Leno's got on Friday? Sandra Bernhard and Carrot Top.'

Larry · Artie:After the Stevie signing, Larry frets about Leo: 'Leo will not take this personally, huh? Right?' Artie: 'Oh, no.' Larry: 'I mean, he'll understand, won't he?' Artie: 'Of course.' Beat. 'Poor Leo.'

Larry · Artie · Hank:Hank (through vent): '...Must come 'round...' / Larry: 'Isn't it "come down"?' / Artie: 'He's scatting.'

Larry:Larry: 'Goes right to my hips. I'll have a little.' — then immediately capitulates: 'I'll eat on the left side.'

Artie · Francine · Leo · Larry:Larry confesses he had lunch with Stevie Grant; Leo reacts; Artie immediately offers to help with the dishes: 'Francine, you wash, I'll dry'

Larry · Leo:Larry's increasingly desperate attempt to manage Leo: 'I mean, if you want me to do anything differently, just tell me. I mean, is there anything that I do that annoy-- that annoys you?'

Larry · Leo:Leo: 'No. No. I just thought it was time for some changes.' / Larry: 'Well, fine.' / Leo: 'Well, fine.' / Larry: 'Well, let's-- What can we change here?' / Leo: 'Nothing.'

Larry · Leo:Larry: 'I'm going with Stevie. It is a business decision.' / Leo: 'Please, Leo, don't do this.' / Larry: 'Not the nuts.'

Doc · Larry:Doc (Billy Crystal stand-in) tells Larry: 'Leo was destroyed. You were his biggest client.' Then immediately: 'The only reason I stay with Leo is because he goes on the road with me. But he hasn't done shit for my career. He shit all over my career.'

Sheldon · Larry:Sheldon (network exec) in elevator, casually dropping: 'I was so surprised to hear that you were thinking about leaving the network.'

Larry · Sheldon:Sheldon: 'This is your way of firing me, Sheldon?' — Larry's paranoid misread of the situation

Sheldon · Larry:Sheldon casually mentions Larry 'moving to New York' as established fact; Larry has no idea this is part of the plan

Larry:Larry: '...the, uh, Museums, the park. You know, you can walk everywhere.' — selling New York he's never agreed to move to

Sheldon · Larry:Sheldon: 'I wish you happiness wherever you land, lar. And I mean that from my heart as a friend.' — Larry's reaction: 'What a pain in the ass.'

Larry · Stevie Grant:Stevie explains the New York play; Larry: 'I happen to, uh, you know, hate New York.' / Stevie: 'But on the show you're always talking about what a great city it is.' / Larry: 'Well, I also happen to talk about what a great city Jacksonville is because we have affiliates there.'

Larry · Stevie Grant:Stevie: 'If we can't make a deal with one of the networks, screw 'em!' / Larry: 'When did this become a "screw 'em" situation? Just roughly?'

Stevie Grant · Larry:Stevie: 'Just remember one thing. If anybody asks, you're dying to move to New York.' Larry: 'You know, that is easy for you to say.'

Stevie Grant · Larry:Stevie: 'Trust nobody on this! Hey, trust nobody on this, Larry. Promise me.' Larry (whispering): 'Oh, man.' Stevie: 'Can I just tell Francine?' Larry: 'I'd rather you didn't.' Stevie: '[mutters]'

Stevie Grant · Larry:Stevie: 'Trust nobody on this!' — then immediately asks 'Who's Francine?'

Stevie Grant · Larry:Stevie to Larry: 'Hank just forced me to sit through that act of his. How can you stand it? What, that bad, was it? It's the worst piece of shit I've ever seen.'

Artie · Larry:Hank fires his agent because he thinks Stevie will represent him; Artie: 'Uh-oh. What, you stick yourself?'

Larry:Larry: 'I hate that little prick. He's a liar. It's sickening, Artie. I don't care if this is the way people do business in show business.'

Larry:Larry: 'Leo's not right either. I don't know what to do. I can't stay with Stevie — he's two-faced and he's weird. He's just plain weird, Artie.'

Larry · Stevie Grant · Artie:Stevie drops a new contract offer, then Larry fires him in the most anticlimactic possible way: 'Yeah, yeah. Ok, then. Good, thanks. Ok, then.'

Larry · Stevie Grant:Larry starts a big speech to Stevie: 'I've been thinking today about a lot of stuff and I have a lot of things on my mind that I want to mention to you...' [Stevie hands him an improved contract offer]

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'Little prick. Sickening.' / Larry and Artie share a beat of silence / Larry: 'Oh, Larry, are we going to the Dodgers game tomorrow night, or is that Friday?' / Artie: 'Friday.'

Larry:Larry (calling out as Stevie leaves): 'See you Friday, Stevie!'

Larry:Larry's monologue joke: 'The postal service announced today that they'll be putting in new vending machines at all post offices, which, for a dollar, the machine will open fire on everyone.'

Larry · Francine:Cut to Larry at home watching TV, arguing with someone (presumably Francine) about watching a Burt Reynolds rerun, escalating to 'Damn it! You made me miss the earrings.'

Hank · Larry · Francine:Larry and Francine arrive together; Hank greets them as 'Hello, dream couple.' Larry mutters 'Larry's car wouldn't start.' Hank is not listening.

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Young people are a delight. They're the hope for a new tomorrow.' Larry: 'And eventually they'll try to steal our jobs.'

Larry:Larry tries to catch up to Francine in the hallway, panting: 'It's longer than it looks.'

Francine · Larry:Francine's rant about celebrities endorsing 'inferior piece-of-shit products' being 'irresponsible.' Larry: 'You're starting to sound like a reporter on A Current Affair.'

Francine · Larry:Francine: 'Here's something you never hear on A Current Affair: Ow. Fuck you. Ow.' Larry: 'You know, I don't believe I ever have heard that on A Current Affair.'

Larry · Phil · Jerry:Larry refuses to say 'Yee-haw!' for the Dallas promo. Writers push back. Larry tries it: 'Yee-haw!' Everyone laughs. Larry immediately asks: 'Has anybody seen Hank?'

Hank · Artie · Larry:While taping Dallas promo, Hank interrupts Larry mid-sentence to talk privately. Artie: 'Don't mind us, Hank. Pretend we're not here.' Hank: 'Alone, goddamn it!' Students are shuffled out.

Hank · Larry:Larry and Hank, mid-promo-shoot, argue about the Hankerciser; Larry: 'Tell her to put Ben-Gay on it.' Hank: 'Ben-Gay my ass. She was so bruised she couldn't have sex.'

Hank · Larry:Hank begs Larry to find out if Francine is the reporter spreading defective-Hankerciser stories, insisting 'I am not accusing her.'

Hank · Larry:Larry tells Hank the truth: 'Francine is writing the article.' Hank: 'I knew it. And she is a Judas!'

Larry:Larry to Hank: 'What do you expect? You put your fucking name on every other piece of shit that comes down the pike.'

Hank · Larry:Hank, in a rage, calls Francine a 'cunt' — then immediately realizes what he said and spirals: 'What did you just say? You didn't say — you couldn't — I'm sorry! It's just... I think it's that new hay fever medication. I think it has opium in it.'

Larry · Francine:Cut to Larry and Francine: 'He started crying?' / 'No. He was crying. He was — He buckled that fast?'

Francine · Larry:Francine: 'Besides, I'm finishing that article on cellular phones and brain tumors.' Larry: 'Yeah, yeah. Good.'

Larry:After Francine leaves, Larry asks 'How's your leg? ... How much time do you think it'll take to heal roughly? If you had to put a time frame on it?' — continuing to inquire about the injury even as she's leaving.

Larry:Larry asks how long it'll take Francine's injury to heal, then asks again: 'If you had to put a time frame on it?' — clearly worried about his own sex life.

Hank · Larry:Hank enters Larry's office to report he's resolved everything with Francine. Larry feigns ignorance: 'What did you say?' Hank: 'I said, uh... Oh, the "cunt" thing?'

Larry:Larry validates Hank's hex/medication theory: 'I think so. That's what it is.'

Hank · Larry:Hank reveals he has 'something brewing with the Beretor Electronics people... Cellular phones, baby.' Larry's face falls.

Larry · Arthur:Larry: 'We don't? No, we don't. Well, I do. I'm gonna keep them waiting.'

Larry:Larry: 'How long do I have to pretend to listen?'

Larry · Arthur:Arthur: 'Don't piss all over their suggestions.' Larry: 'I am. I'm going to piss all over them.'

Larry · Arthur:Larry: 'Do you think when Johnny Carson picked David Letterman to go after him at 12:30, he went through this shit? Hell, no. Nobody fucked with Johnny.'

Larry:Larry: 'Will they send a limo?' Network exec: 'Town car.' Larry: 'Oh, good. Much less gaudy.'

Larry · Network Exec:Network exec suggests Bob Saget, Larry says 'Saget — good name.' Exec says he's doing some shows. Larry: 'Bob is a mule.'

Larry · Network Exec:Larry on Dave Coulier: 'Who?' Exec: 'Dave Coulier.' Larry: 'You're raiding the cast of Full House, huh?'

Larry · Network Exec:Larry: 'Check into the Olsen twins. I hear, once their parents go to sleep, they're wild.' Network exec: 'Really? I'll see if they're interested.'

Network Exec · Larry:Network exec: 'The affiliates have already rejected that name, Larry.' Then a pause. 'Is he the guy who makes the animal noises?'

Larry · Network Exec:Larry: 'That's just one of his colors. He doesn't do that voice all the time. He's very funny.' Network exec: 'Larry, you know, there's a lot of funny out there, and we're looking for the right kind of funny.'

Arthur · Larry:Arthur: 'Let's get together and close ranks behind Larry. Let's take a good look at Tomcat.' Larry: 'Bobcat.' Arthur: 'Whatever.'

Larry · Kevin Nealon:Larry asks Kevin Nealon what film he's doing. 'The Coneheads?' Nealon: 'No. Hans and Franz.' Larry: 'That will be good, too.'

Larry · Kevin Nealon:Larry: 'Are you Hans or Franz?' Nealon: 'Franz — Hans. No. Franz. Franz. Carvey's Hans. Franz is the funny one.'

Larry · Kevin Nealon:Nealon reveals he heard about the Saget/Coulier shortlist from Dana Carvey. Larry: 'Carvey should get a fucking hobby.'

Arthur · Larry:Artie holds up the newspaper: 'Sanders tabs Saget for 12:30 gab comedy fest.' 'We were keeping a lid on this.' Artie: 'We did. They didn't. It's the front page.'

Larry · Staff Member:Larry: 'Gilbert Gottfried called, Bob Saget called, Allan Havey called several times, Louie Anderson, Steven Wright, Robert Klein, and Sinbad.' Larry: 'Goddamn hyenas. I'll take care of these.'

Larry · Staff Member:Larry: 'What, was David Brenner out of the country?' Staff: 'David Brenner sent brownies.'

Larry:Larry on the award statue: 'It's probably a statue of a guy's head halfway up another guy's ass.' 'I already have a fountain like that.'

Hank · Larry:Hank: 'What are the odds of that?' (after Larry says 'This is what my mom used to say to me?')

Arthur · Larry:Arthur: 'That's not funny, Larry, because our postal service is carrying over 4,000 of these to homes across America.' Larry: '4,000 on our Xerox?'

Larry · Phil:[Larry laughing] Oh, god. / Enjoying your handiwork? / It's kind of a crude way to expand your readership, isn't it, Hank?

Larry:Larry: 'Ok, Phil, I appreciate a good penis, vagina joke as much as the next man.'

Steven Wright · Larry:Steven Wright arrives to pitch himself: 'Larry, I know I don't have to tell you this, but I'm a people person. I like people. I like to ask people questions, and I like to have other people watch when I'm doing that.'

Larry · Guest:Larry's on-air conversation with real comedian guest (Kevin Nealon stand-in or another): 'I'll be 111 when I have a kid in little league. I can't relax.'

Guest · Larry:After the show, the guest performs anxiety about his interview: 'I did ok? Did I get all the plugs in? Oh, yeah. Was I all right? Good. Fine.'

Larry · Guest:Guest denies wanting the 12:30 slot: 'You think that I — that I want that slot?' Larry: 'Duh!'

Guest · Larry:Guest: 'God, this 12:30 thing is really... God, it's really making you, like, a different guy. What's going on with you?' Larry: 'What do you mean?' Guest: 'What do I mean? How long have I known you? Like, 15 years?'

Larry · Dave Letterman:Larry meets Dave Letterman at the awards show. Letterman: 'You lost some weight.' Larry: 'Yeah, 80 pounds. I was up around 280.' Letterman: 'You look good.' Larry: 'CBS make you lose that weight?'

Larry · Dave Letterman:Letterman and Larry both claim to be struggling to find their 12:30 host. Larry: 'I'll tell you mine.' Letterman: 'I would tell you if I could.' Larry: 'You want a straw?' Letterman: 'No, thanks.'

Larry · David Letterman:There's only a handful of guys that can do it. / Who are you thinking about? / I can't tell you. / Well, come on. There's no one around. / Who are you thinking about? / I can't tell you. / I'll tell you mine. / I would tell you if I could.

Dave Letterman · Larry:Larry reveals Bobcat Goldthwait. Letterman: 'Oh. He's great. The animal... 'Ah ah ah!' He shouts. It'll be good going into commercials — 'We'll be right back!'' Larry: 'Yeah, that's cute. I like that.'

Larry · Dave Letterman:Letterman reveals Tom Snyder as his 12:30 host. Larry: 'Dick Cavett tied up?'

Dave Letterman · Larry:Letterman and Larry do a bit where Letterman tries to give away his award. Letterman insists, Larry almost takes it, then Letterman: 'You're insane! Boy oh boy are you nuts. You're a fucker.'

Larry · Bobcat Goldthwait:Larry asks Bobcat: 'Are you going to do this in your real voice, or what?' Bobcat: 'Are you turning on me, too?'

Larry · Bobcat Goldthwait:Larry asks Bobcat to dial it down to a '2.' Bobcat: 'No, I can do a 2.' Does the 2. Larry: 'That's great. It's hilarious.' Bobcat: 'Oh, good.'

Larry · Arthur:Larry: 'Why not put them together? It worked for the Smothers Brothers.' Artie: 'The Smothers Brothers are actually brothers.' Larry: 'How about Rowan and Martin?'

Arthur · Larry:Artie: 'Some asshole put a potato in the tailpipe of my car.' Larry: 'That's awful. Who would do that?' Artie: 'I'll kill the bastard.' Larry: 'Did you used to work at the post office?'

Larry:Larry's on-air Clarence Thomas joke: 'Bill Clinton nominated a woman to the Supreme Court, or as Clarence Thomas likes to say... New meat.'

Larry · Tom Snyder:Larry announces the new 12:30 host and introduces Tom Snyder. Tom Snyder: 'How do I follow this at 12:30?' Larry: 'It won't be easy, but if there's anybody who can do it, it's you.'

Tom Snyder · Larry:Tom Snyder: 'Finally out of CNBC.' Larry laughs. Tom Snyder: 'Back in the 12:30 A.M. saddle.'

Larry · Tom Snyder:Larry: 'Maybe you'll get a regular chair this time.' Tom Snyder: 'Funny man — Larry Sanders. Ho ho! Funny, funny man.'

Tom Snyder · Larry · Hank:Snyder says he wants to do a segment going 'behind the scenes' of Larry Sanders. Larry: 'I'm in. I'm in. Absolutely. I'm as good as there. If I can't make it, I'll send Hank.' Snyder: 'No flipping.'

Larry · Arthur · Network Exec:Larry asks about telling Bobcat. Everyone passes the responsibility. 'He's your pal.' 'It's your idea.' 'Fine. I'll tell him right after the show.' Arthur: 'Come on. Let him guest-host for a week. That's a good idea. He's a talent.'

Larry · Arthur:Larry: 'I have to ask you again. When Letterman said he was thinking of Tom Snyder, you're sure he wasn't joking?' Arthur: 'No. He wasn't joking.' Larry: 'Yeah.' Arthur: ''Cause I asked tom about it, and he never heard about the Letterman thing.' Larry: 'Really?' Arthur: 'Really.'

Larry · Paula:Larry asks about a couch and 'spot cleaning' — Paula and the writer scramble to confirm Artie said something about spot cleaning, even though clearly nobody knows what he meant.

Larry · Paula · Hank:That's the spirit — gallows humor. / It's not a joke. / You're producing. / Yes. / You're in your 20s.

Hank · Larry · Paula:Arthur asked her to fill in. / What are you? You're 28. / 26. / Thanks for your support.

Larry:'No way.' — Larry refuses to look in the shoe. [Beat] Larry then looks, is visibly amazed.

Larry · Hank:Did you see that? That's amazing. How'd you do that? / Magic.

Paula · Larry:I believe he's speaking with Elayne Boosler. / For lead? / I don't know, that's just one option. There are many, many others. / Like who? / Uh... Jody Watley.

Larry · Paula:She's a singer. / I know.

Paula · Larry:Marla Maples. / Let's try and find someone Donald Trump hasn't screwed.

Larry · Paula:Coffee. Thank you. I hope it's as hot as it is here. / It is hot here. Everyone keeps saying that. It's fine. / Paula, it's hot. Look at you. You're sweating. / I am not.

Larry · Paula:We don't have a lead guest, do we? [Long beat] Hank will try and jam in a stupid magic trick.

Paula · Larry:I got Steven Wright. / God damn — / Good. Steven Wright's good.

Larry · Paula:What is this, by the way? / You know what this is. / The new plug for the video music show. / I'm not gonna do plugs. / 'Stay tuned for late-night videos. Dance all night, dudes.'

Larry:Excuse me. If I were you, I'd concentrate on the fact that it's 105 degrees in the studio. But I suppose it's a dry heat and I'm just an old fuck.

Larry · Paula · Staff:Larry calls for cue cards. Paula relays it. Then: 'Where's Sid? Where's Sid?' Paula relays that too. Then: 'Sid, Paula.' 'The cue card guy!' 'Yes.'

Larry:Monologue: Richard Simmons sexual harassment joke. 'Simmons said: The woman's crazy. I was talking to the guy next to her.'

Larry:Female condom has a failure rate of 26%. Why can't they say it has a success rate of 74%? This is just an example of some people seeing the condom as 1/4 empty when it's really 3/4 full.

Larry:Larry's mid-monologue check: 'Don't flip around. We'll be right back. Do not flip around. No flipping.'

Larry:Hi. [Larry waves into the dark booth, can't make Artie out]

Larry:Soda pop cans being opened. You know, in L.A., you can't be too sure what that popping is.

Larry · Paula:Larry introduces Bruno Kirby by saying he 'was wonderful in City Slickers.' Paula corrects him; Bruno is not Steven Wright. Larry pushes through: 'He was not in City Slickers. You're thinking of someone else.' / Well, if you're going to be that way about it.

Larry:Bruno Kirby and Steven Wright come out together. 'Well, so we were both right. Bruno was in City Slickers and Steven Wright is a talented stand-up comedian, and you're both my friends.'

Larry:He's saying you stick to his shoe like toilet paper, which I think is rude. Let's move on with the questions.

Larry · Bruno Kirby · Steven Wright:Where have you been lately? / Just got back from... New York. The Gap.

Larry · Steven Wright:All right. Both fascinating places, and both very romantic. Who would like to go first on why they were, uh... Why don't you go first? / Because I'm suffering from jet lag. / From the Gap?

Larry · Bruno Kirby · Steven Wright:I also see that you both have Guest #1 cups. / Yeah, that was part of the deal. / Yeah, but I got mine first.

Larry:I used to dance like that in high school, by the way. [Vocalizing]

Larry:Steven, excellent. Bruno, the best. Hank, fuck you.

Larry · Paula:How did Artie like it? / He thought it was the best. / I thought it went pretty well myself, considering everything he had to do on this show, you should learn from him. Watch him closely. He pulled this off.

Paula · Larry:Guess what. / What are you saying? / Artie wasn't even here. He was in a mud slide. It was just me. Thank you very much.

Larry · Hank:You're producing? You're running the show? 3, 2... You're what? 28? / 26.

Larry:We are back. With, uh... With, uh, Hank... And, uh... Thanks for being back.

Larry:What do you recommend we do for the 2 minutes and 30 seconds, Paula? Paula, who's filling in for our producer Artie.

Larry · Hank:Sounds like we have time for some magic. / I do magic. You do? / Yes. / It's not magic, per se. This is more of an illusion.

Larry · Artie:Artie, welcome back. 2 minutes left? How's it going? / Interesting. / Hank's doing card tricks. / Oh, Christ!

Larry:Normally I don't like magic. I try and figure out how it works and get frustrated — same with a porno film — but in this case, let's take a shot.

Hank · Larry · someone in audience:Is that your card? / No. [Audience laughs] / You told him, didn't you? / It was an accident. I shouldn't drink.

Artie · Larry:Let Hank finish the trick. / All right, Hank, let's finish the trick. / Normally, I don't like magic... Same with a porno film... but in this case, let's take a shot.

Larry:Smells like the 10 of clubs.

Larry · Hank:That is my card — the 10 of clubs. [Applause]

Larry:I hope we can do magic more often. Gosh, that was great.

Larry:Clinton retaliated by saying, 'Well, at least I'm fun to be with.'

Larry:'Diet Pepsi — Even with a syringe, it's just one calorie.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'She wasn't wearing underwear, was she?' / Larry: 'That shook you up, didn't it?' / Larry: 'I stunk the rest of the show.'

Larry:Larry: 'I did 12 jokes.' / Unknown: 'I laughed at all 12.' / Larry: 'Well, that means she didn't laugh 9 times.'

Larry · Beverly:Larry's agent always calls when he's on the air — 'He'll call you back.' / 'Yeah, he'll call me tomorrow night when I'm on the air.' / 'Trick him. Put him through tomorrow.'

Larry:Larry describes his ex-partner Stan as 'a once-talented nobody who obviously wants something from someone'

Stan · Larry:Stan to Larry: 'So do you — a little older maybe. Turn around, let me see the ass.'

Larry:Larry: 'At least it didn't go to waste.'

Larry · Stan:Larry: 'I just feel bad for that maid I had fired.' / Stan: 'That's right, it was coke. I was banging that maid—' / Stan: 'She had the time of her life.' / Larry: 'No wonder our room was never cleaned on time.'

Larry · Stan:Larry casually invites Stan to dinner — 'Come over for dinner' — followed by [crickets chirping] sound effect

Stan · Larry:Stan reveals he's 'been working... as a temp.' / Larry's pained: 'Oh, well, that's — that's great.' / Then: 'Isn't it, Larry?' / Larry: 'Great. That is great.'

Larry:Larry: 'I'd probably temp.'

Stan · Larry:Stan excuses himself to find the bathroom — 'It's kind of weird. You have to — you know — all the way through the kitchen, stan.' — and the callback: 'Hey, that was that one New Year's Eve, man.'

Larry:Larry: 'I'm tired of holding this whole conversation. Would you please say something? God, what do you want me to say to a guy who just says I ruined his life?'

Larry · Francine:Larry: 'I don't feel guilty.' / Francine: 'You shouldn't.' / Larry: 'I just feel so fucking guilty.'

Stan · Larry:Larry offers Stan a full-time writing job — Stan immediately asks: 'What would it pay?'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'Could we try not be so cynical?' / Artie: 'I'm being realistic, buddy. You've just stepped in a huge pile of shit named Stan Paxton. You're tracking it all over my office.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'It's our office, Artie.' / Artie: 'No. It's your show, it's my office!'

Larry · Beverly:Larry: 'I won't tolerate alcohol in my office.' / Beverly: 'You have alcohol in your office.' / Larry: 'That's for weekends.'

Larry · Stan:Larry confronts Stan about drinking in a public bathroom. Stan: 'You're in a bathroom. You smell disinfectant and urine.' / Larry: 'How come I smell it on your breath?'

Stan · Larry:Stan complains about 'Frick and Frack out there' burying his jokes and asks to bring material directly to Larry — Larry agrees — Stan: 'What is this, your office, Fonzie?'

Hank · Larry:Hank pitches 'Hank's Look-Around Cafe' — a restaurant with spinning tables — Larry: 'There's nothing I like better after a big meal than spinning around till I puke.'

Larry:Larry: 'There's nothing I like better after a big meal than spinning around till I puke.'

Artie · Larry:Artie to Larry: 'You don't help alcoholics by giving them everything they want.' / Larry: 'I don't give him everything he wants.' / Artie: 'Why can't you confront people?'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Maybe if you'd told him that back then, maybe today Stan would be Hank.' / Larry: 'That's a horrible thing to say.' / Artie: 'I wouldn't wish that on anybody.'

Artie · Larry · Beverly:Artie about the steaks: 'Fucking crime to — you don't ruin a beautiful piece of meat.' / Then: 'Artie, I'm firing Stan tomorrow.' / Artie: 'Good. Giving a guy like that everything he wants is not helping him.' / Larry: 'I don't give him everything he wants.' / Beverly (off): 'Where is the beer?'

Stan · Larry:Stan discovers that half the jokes being prepped haven't come through him — they're ones he submitted directly to Larry's office. Stan: 'Has there been a change in procedure?' / Larry: 'There's no change in procedure.' — despite having explicitly agreed to this 10 minutes ago

Stan · Larry:Stan's heartfelt speech about how great it is to write jokes 'for real people instead of telling them to a waitress someplace' — then immediately: 'Oh wait. Oh wait a minute. Oh — this is the kiss-off.'

Stan · Larry:Stan: 'Let me go on the show and do them.' / Larry: 'You haven't been onstage in what — 15 fucking years?' / Stan: 'You owe me this one, Larry. Come on. You know that. You owe me this one.'

Larry:Larry: 'We haven't had Gallagher on, but there's a perfect example.' — as an example of 'worse comics than this'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'Fuck it. Let's put him on.' / Then: 'All right.' / Then: 'We can't put him on.' / Artie: 'Damn right we can't.'

Larry · Stan:Larry: 'I remember you tripping over the mike stand, insulting people in the audience, and just generally sucking.' / Stan: 'We can go back and forth on this all night.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Is he, uh...' / Larry: 'No, he even bungled that. He missed. He shot off the top of his left ear.' / [Snickers]

Hank · Artie · Larry:Hank's competing versions: ear vs. shotgun — 'I have friends at Memorial Hospital. He put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.' / Artie: 'Bullshit! It was his ear.' / Hank: 'What friends?'

Larry · Stan:Larry on the phone with Stan: 'Well, I guess you could fax them right here.' / Stan apparently wants to fax jokes from the hospital

Larry · Artie · Stan:Stan asks about health insurance. Larry asks Artie. Artie shouts: 'No health plan!' [Door slams.] / Larry: 'Uh, stan, I guess there's some procedure.'

Larry · Hugh Hefner:Larry asks to call Hefner 'Hef', then immediately positions it as a mutual intimacy exchange: 'You may. Ok. Call me Larry. Ok, Larry.'

Larry:Larry says about Hefner's wife/playmate: 'Yeah. We've all seen her.' [Laughter]

Hugh Hefner · Larry:Hefner explains meeting his wife: 'I asked her if she wanted to watch a film.' — pause — Larry's silent beat.

Larry:Larry: 'You're going to the kitchen to get something from the fridge and bump into Miss January. That's the way it is. And you say, Hey... That's all you need to say because you're Hugh Hefner.'

Larry · Hugh Hefner:During commercial break, someone tells Hefner: 'You have a little hair there coming down.' — a grooming note to Hugh Hefner.

Larry · Artie:Larry and Artie debate taking a plant from the set. Larry: 'It's a Mediterranean ficus. It's a very classy plant. Look perfect by your fireplace.' Artie: 'Think so? Yes. No.'

Hank · Larry · Darlene:Hank announces to Darlene: 'After many years of trying, Hank Kingsley is going to appear in Playboy.' Then: 'Actually, it's not the interview. It's a feature about women who work in television.' Then: 'But, Hank, you're a man. Right, but you're a woman.'

Larry · Francine:Larry tries to ask Francine to move in: 'Yes, in my own I-can't-believe-I-did-it-that-way-myself way. Yes, I am.'

Artie · Larry:Larry defends his house as tasteful; Artie looks around and says: 'What is this? That's a head carved out of rock. This looks like the junior suite in the Four Seasons.'

Larry:Larry's response to 'looks like the junior suite in the Four Seasons': 'Thank you. Jeannie and I met there.'

Larry:Larry's warning: 'Don't talk that way when the Architectural Digest people are here.'

Darlene · Larry · Artie:Darlene explains she did the test photos: 'There was no one there but me and the photographer.' Others: 'Some slimebag, right?' Darlene: 'No. She seemed nice.' Others: 'She?'

Artie · Larry:Response to Darlene's Amazing Clifford revelation: 'The more I hear about this, it sounds to me like there's little difference between Hank and the Amazing Clifford.' Then: 'Clifford probably dresses better.'

Larry · Writer:Writer brings in 'Playboy After Dark' tapes for Larry: 'Pay attention to Mort Sahl. You could learn something.'

Larry:Larry sees the test photos of Darlene and says sanctimoniously: 'No. No. This is not good. This is not right. This is not our property.' Then beat — clearly looking at them.

Artie · Larry:Artie exits: 'Brad Pitt's in the green room. I'm going to see if he's as cute as everybody says.' Larry: 'You're gonna be disappointed.'

Larry · Artie · Hank:Artie to Larry about Hank: 'Might be fun to get you and Hank on the couch.' / Larry: 'I don't want him in the picture.' / Multiple voices: 'Come on, Larry... the more the merrier.' / Larry: 'I don't want him in—' / 'It's just a little picture.'

Larry:Larry about the Architectural Digest issue: 'It's nothing special. You see one, you've seen them all. But how many houses do you see like this?'

Larry:Larry looking at Darlene's Playboy: 'These lilies on the coffee table — that's a sexy touch.'

Larry:Larry: 'I didn't even know she owned a motorcycle.' — reacting to something in the Playboy spread.

Larry · Beverly:Larry's extended negotiation about NOT wanting birthday attention — 'I really don't want to do—' / 'Nobody's even thinking about your birthday, Larry.'

Larry · Hank:Larry to Sugar Ray mid-interview: 'Those are sissy shoes.'

Larry · Beverly:The surprise party: 'Surprise!' Larry: 'Beverly, didn't I ask you—' / 'I know.' / 'But I surprised you, didn't I?' / 'Oh my god, you did. You totally surprised me.'

Larry · Darlene:Larry receives a calculator from Darlene: 'Because I know that you love— gadgets. Math. I love math. And gadgets. Math and gadgets.'

Darlene · Larry:Darlene starts crying after the baseball confrontation. 'Someone scared Darlene.' 'Darlene, please.' 'She got upset.'

Larry · Artie:Larry, watching Jerry leave through the parking lot window: 'I'm better than this. I gotta talk to him.' Artie: 'Let him make a clean break.'

Larry:Julia Roberts collapsed on set — speculation she was pregnant, but it turns out it had just finally dawned on her that she had married Lyle Lovett, which would cause anyone just to pass out.

Larry:The defense department canceled the Star Wars program, which is a shame because it was the most consistent work Mark Hamill ever had.

Larry · Prop Master:The prop master is flipping me off. That's for machine-gun fire. [Machine-gun fire sound effect plays]

Larry · Jake:Where'd you learn to do that, Jake? / Juilliard. / Money well spent, Jake.

Larry:Well, I think we found a new bandleader.

Artie · Larry:Oh, fucking moron — leaving us to go on tour with Amy Grant. Jesus! / Artie, he found God. / Blah, blah, blah.

Larry · Artie:What are you doing? What are you-- / I'm just-- I just want you to-- / Musicians are needy people. I think the last thing we want around us, especially you, is needy people.

Artie · Larry:You're fired. Ha ha ha! / All right. You see, now, that's funny.

Artie · Larry:You'll call Jake's agent tomorrow. Hire him. / I'll try right now. / See you tomorrow. / Where you going? / I got to go home, Artie. / What are you running off for? You going to clock in?

Artie · Larry:Oh! The lady has you on a short leash. / That is not what it is, Artie. I fucked this relationship up once, I just don't want to fuck it up again.

Larry:Oh, fuck me. Poker at James Coburn's place! Oh, god. I forgot.

Artie · Jake · Larry:Oh, screw Hank. / So it was O.K.? / I agree with Artie, except about screwing Hank. That's a personal judgment call.

Larry:Hey, you'll have to come down to the show.

Larry:Don't forget to flush. [Chuckles] Or not. It's up to you.

Larry:And Artie and I had an important meeting with James Caan.

Larry:I can't have dinner, I'm filled up with pudding.

Artie · Larry:You've got to initial right there. / You've been the Larry Sanders — the Larry Sanders. / And the women — well, it doesn't matter... / Initial. / And you're not her whole life, you're just part of her life. / Sign it and initial it here.

Larry:God, you should have a column.

Larry:Bill Clinton said that the Republicans' budget plan is all smoke and mirrors. I mean, this guy cannot stop using drug references.

Hank · Larry:Our commander-in-grief. / What does that mean, Hank? / Commander-in-grief, because he's giving us so many problems.

Larry:I think maybe Clinton's not the only one in trouble. We'll be right back.

Francine · Larry:Why is it you think that whatever you're doing is so much more important than whatever I'm doing? / I did not — I never said that.

Francine · Larry:O.K. Well, so, I'll just quit my job, and you'll quit your fucking show, and we'll be like this 24 hours a day. How's that? / Good. That would be great.

Larry · Artie:Did any of Johnny's wives work? / Well, they were fully functional. Is that the question?

Artie · Larry:My first wife was working 12-hour days when we first got married. / How did you handle that? / I fired her ass. She was my secretary.

Hank · Jake · Larry:[Silence after the sex-with-minors joke]

Artie · Hank · Larry:What the hell are you fucking doing? Have you lost your goddamn fucking mind? / I'm sorry. I mean, I think the audience knew — they knew I was joking. / That audience comes on buses, Hank. They can barely tell when I'm joking.

Larry · Francine:Honey, I'm really so— / This is really good cheese.

Larry · Artie:Was she, uh... upset? / What do you think?

Larry:All right. Maybe I'll have a glass of wine.

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'And you, of course—' (implying Artie's marriage failures) / Artie: 'No, no, no, don't.'

Larry:Larry to the audience: 'It's semi-formal, so you people at home have time to change.'

Hank · Larry · Margaret:Hank demands Larry re-read the vows at the reception: 'I'd like you to read them again. Just one more time.' / Larry (incredulous): 'Are you serious?' / They read: 'But I only knew like.' / Margaret: 'Oh, beautiful.'

Larry · Artie:Larry checks his hair, asks if he has a bug; Artie says 'No, if you had a bug, I'd say, go like this' — it's just hair sticking up

Artie · John Ritter · Larry:Artie trying to remove Ritter from conversation with Larry; Ritter: 'I'm sorry, I just wanted to say hi.' Artie: 'He's got to get into his thoughts.'

Larry:Larry afterward: 'I've never even seen Hearts Afire. Now I'm involved in some conversation about retooling — make a note.'

Larry:Larry walks through the set cooing 'Hello... How pretty... How very, very pretty... Look how pretty...' — apparently to the dog, not a person

Elizabeth Ashley · Larry:Elizabeth Ashley on her mystery new man: 'It's somebody that you know real well' — and fans herself

Larry · Elizabeth Ashley:Larry: 'Hank is married. Did he tell you that?' Elizabeth: 'Oh, honey, no no no. I mean, listen, I think you are a sugar pop, you are just cute as a button, but I need something up here to grab ahold of.'

Larry:Larry: 'Maybe we could weld a handle or something up there.' [Re: Hank's lack of intellectual substance]

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'This will be a best of Larry. Gene Siskel is on next.' Larry: 'I thought it was Ritter.' Artie: 'John Ritter will be batting clean-up.' Larry: 'By then the bases will be loaded.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'I thought it was Ritter.' Artie: 'No, John Ritter will be batting clean-up.' Larry: 'By then the bases will be loaded.' Artie: 'Ah, sure enough. Ah.'

Larry · Gene Siskel:Larry to Gene Siskel on air: 'Where is Roger tonight? Because, uh...' Siskel: 'Well, thank you for asking about Roger first, Larry.'

Hank · Larry:Backstage: Hank explains Phil's injury — 'He shut his hand in the door... he put a hand up on a hinge and closed the door.' The story keeps shifting.

Hank · Larry:Hank explains The Crying Game to Larry: 'That dark-skinned cutie?' 'Mm-hmm.' 'She turns out to be a man.' Hank: 'I don't think so.'

Larry · Hank:Larry shows Hank a specific camera shot from The Crying Game: 'The camera pans down the body, right below the waist — there's a penis.' Hank: 'I don't think so.'

Hank · Larry:Hank, post-Crying Game revelation: 'Let me ask you a question. How was she hung?' Larry: 'You know, you've got to excuse Hank. It's been years since he's seen a movie without the words "busty" or "stewardess" in the title.'

Gene Siskel · Larry:Larry goes on-air to intro the next segment; camera cuts back to Gene Siskel, bloody-shirted, telling Larry about The Crying Game: 'Did you see the Crying Game? That is a man.'

Larry · Warren Zevon:Larry: 'Do we have time for another?' — then immediately requests 'Werewolves of London' from Warren Zevon, directly contradicting Artie's deal

Larry:Larry on air: 'My apologies to John Ritter. We'll have him on soon.' — his only acknowledgment that Ritter was completely abandoned.

Larry:Larry post-show to Artie: 'Some nights, it just comes off like clockwork. I think I speak for everyone when I say I can't believe we get paid to do this.'

Larry:Larry on-air closing: 'My thanks to all my guests. My apologies to John Ritter. We'll have him on soon, and good night.'

Larry · Artie:Entertainment Weekly article describes the night: 'ritter and gene siskel fought. A dog bit phil. You and phil were wrestling. It says you and elizabeth ashley were doing god-knows-what in the wardrobe room.'

Larry · Burt Reynolds:Larry recruits Burt Reynolds as emergency guest host — discovers Burt lives in the guesthouse behind the big house he can't afford due to his divorce

Larry · Burt Reynolds:Burt Reynolds recounting his divorces; Larry says 'I've been there. Oh yeah? 3 times, I heard.' Burt: 'I've been divorced 4 times.' Larry: '4 times? Yeah. Who gives a shit?'

Larry · Artie:Artie informs Larry that Hank has been vomiting and weeping for an hour; Larry's response is 'How bad is Hank?' — not 'Is Hank okay?'

Jerry Seinfeld · Larry:Jerry Seinfeld and Larry watch Hank walk off: 'Is this how things usually work around here?' Larry: 'Yeah.'

Larry · Writer:A writer tries to hand Larry a script he wrote for the show — 'Would this be a bad time to give it to you?' — Larry: 'Yeah.' — 'Oh. OK.' — [leaves]

Larry · Artie:Larry and Artie at the grand opening: Artie threatens to shove the ice sculpture of the Queen Mary 'up Hank's ass if he ever gets here'

Larry:Larry: 'I just can't believe I took the time out of my vacation to come here, and the man isn't even here.'

Larry · Artie:Larry complains he 'can't believe I took time out of my vacation to come here, and the man isn't even here' — while Artie says 'I'm already seasick' from the rotating floor

Larry:Larry: 'If this fucking booth starts to rotate, I swear to god...' — trail off

Larry · Jerry Seinfeld:Larry and Artie discover Hank was found asleep on an empty stage by 'the weird intern' — Seinfeld: 'We got one of those.' Larry: 'What's yours do?' Seinfeld: 'He's just weird. That's exactly what ours does.'

Larry:Larry's closing complaint: 'Hey, you know, I was up all night. I'm supposed to be on vacation. My wife wants to go to Vegas...'

Larry:Larry addresses the rumor the network is for sale: 'The buyer came in during the evening and found only $20 in the register and passed.'

Larry:Larry dismisses the CBS Evening News story because 'Connie' filed it, then says 'Her husband Maury has more credibility as far as I'm concerned.'

Larry:Larry: 'Later I'll pass out some transcripts so we can all try to figure out what Hank meant at our leisure.'

Larry:Larry: 'Yeah, well, maybe that's why I haven't been able to focus this week.'

Artie · Larry:Larry asks what the 'new trail' is. Artie: 'A late-night news magazine wrap-up of the day's events, but with a hip, MTV sensibility.'

Larry:Larry's response to Dick's entire beer speech: 'I see what's wrong. You're drunk.'

Larry · Dick:Dick, stiffly: 'That is intended to be a joke, right?' Larry: 'Yeah, that's a joke. That's what I do for a living. Have you ever seen, uh, the show?'

Beverly · Larry:Beverly tells Larry his agent is waiting at his 'regular secret spot'

Larry · Agent/Stevie:Larry to his agent about Dick: 'I am not gonna be able to work for this fucking beer... nut.' Agent: 'Yes! Fuck that beer farm! We are out of here!'

Larry:A staffer walks in on Larry's secret meeting. Larry: 'You didn't see us. You saw nothing. You heard nothing. It's not what it looks like.'

Larry · Agent/Stevie:Agent says ABC wants the show from New York. Larry: 'I'll give you another option: I go to Montana, live in a shack.' Agent: 'Great idea for a sitcom.'

Larry · Agent/Stevie:Larry explains he can't go to New York, refuses to explain why, then the dialogue devolves: 'Well, I'm not asking you to explain. I just want to know why you can't go to New York.' / 'I can't explain.' / 'Well, don't explain. Just tell me.'

Larry · Agent/Stevie:Larry's elaborate reason he can't go to New York: he was a young man, needed fast money, worked for 'some people' — 'You ever see a Scorsese film? Like Goodfellas?'

Larry · Agent/Stevie:Agent: 'What if we shoot in New Jersey?' Larry: 'Even worse. They live there.' Agent: 'Who? Who lives there?' Larry: 'I can't say.'

Larry · Howard Stern:Larry coaches Stern not to mention 'that movie I'm doing, Fartman.' Stern: 'Everyone keeps asking me about it.' Larry: 'Yeah, I just don't want to talk about it. Ok, no on Fartman.'

Larry · Sid:Larry to Sid after Stern leaves: 'It wouldn't hurt for you to laugh at me like that, Sid.' Sid gives a hollow, obligatory chuckle.

Larry:After requesting Sid laugh at him, Larry immediately tries a Stern impression: 'Take your pants off. Come on. Hey! Hey!'

Larry · Larry's Partner:Larry's partner is horrified that Howard Stern is coming over: 'I don't want him around me. He's disgusting.' Larry: 'He's not like that in real life. That's just the way he is on the radio.'

Howard Stern · Larry:Stern extracts the secret New York information through persistent 'casual' questioning: 'I would love to know if you're moving the show to New York.' Larry: 'I can't tell you.' After several rounds: Larry stays silent while Stern broadcasts it to millions.

Larry · Larry's Partner:Larry's partner tells him she thinks he should move the show to New York: 'I'm 100% behind it.' Larry: 'You think you'll be happy in New York?' Partner: '[beat]... I'm not gonna move to New York.'

Larry's Partner · Larry:Larry's partner, having revealed she wants space from Larry, then pivots: 'You know, I've been thinking about this all day long, and I think it'd be really good for us to have some time apart.' Then immediately backtracks: 'This is bad. I'm sorry. Just forget I brought it up.'

Agent/Stevie · Larry:Agent explains why the ABC deal is only for one year: 'These guys never last. He'll be out of the job within a year. We renegotiate.' Larry: 'That makes no sense at all.'

Darlene · Larry:Darlene asks if she'll still be able to go to New York if Larry and Hank go. Larry dismisses her with 'In a second, Darlene.' The moment he's gone, she mutters: 'The name's Darlene, you fucking idiot.'

Larry:The agent tells Larry: 'You know what your problem is, Stevie? You talk to me like you think I believe you.'

Larry · Chris Farley:Larry introduces Chris Farley (SNL) by listing his credits: 'I love everything you do on Saturday Night Live. I love the—' then pivots: 'I have nightmares of someone like you coming through my window.'

Chris Farley · Larry:Farley, after Larry starts wrapping: 'I thought maybe it was gonna be longer. I thought— I've only been out here a couple minutes. Is that how it—Er, uh...' Larry: 'It is a little short.'

Chris Farley · Larry · Staff:Farley protests: 'I flew all the way in from New York for this.' Larry: 'You flew in from New York? How long is that flight?' Then staff immediately: 'I knew it! It's New York!'

Larry:Larry announces on air that 'this is the final Larry Sanders Show' and he's retiring to Montana 'to live the rest of my life as just an everyday guy.'

Larry · Chris Farley:During his tearful on-air goodbye, Larry spots Farley backstage and whispers: 'Hey, Chris. Listen, I have some sketch ideas. Could you take 'em down to SNL?'

Larry · Darlene:In the middle of his retirement tribute, Larry 'acknowledges' Darlene with 'the rest of the office staff' — not by name. Darlene, on camera: 'The name's Darlene, you fucking idiot.'

Larry · Fisherman:Scene cut to Montana fishing. Larry is actually in Montana. He falls into the river ('Shit.'). A fisherman hushes him: 'You're scaring the fish.'

Fisherman · Larry:The fisherman asks Larry: 'You watch TV much?' Larry doesn't answer. Then: 'Stay up late?'

Larry:Larry, unprompted, starts humming his own theme song to the fisherman: 'Da da, da-da, da da... Mmm-hmm, mm-mm, mm-hmm.'

Fisherman · Larry:The fisherman does a Larry Sanders-style announcer intro over the river: 'And now, because he made a big mistake... Larry Sanders.' Frogs croak. Larry: 'Fucking frogs.'

Larry · Artie:Yeah. I'm just gonna start assembling the staff tomorrow. / What did I just say? Low profile. / Fine.

Larry · Artie:I can't believe you hired the entire staff back. / No, this would have been the perfect time to get rid of some of the deadwood in the office.

Larry · Bernadette Peters:Yeah, yeah. Oh, Bernadette. Hi! So good to see you... Did Artie talk to you about maybe singing the 'hello, Larry' kind of song to me? / Yeah, yeah. / Oh, good, good, good.

Larry · Artie:I'm not going out there. / You haven't got a choice. / I'm not going out there. / I am not going out there.

Beverly · Larry:The newspaper being identified as the L.A. Times, not a tabloid, when Larry dismisses it as tabloid garbage

Larry:Larry reads 'Preparing to publicly allege' and asks: 'Well, if you're gonna cover your butt that much, why print it at all?'

Larry · Beverly:'She's a nut. Look at that picture. You can see the craziness in her eyes.' / 'That's Shelley Long.'

Larry · Staff:Larry walks in and asks if anyone saw the Montana article, gets flat denials, then: 'Well, thanks for lying through your teeth. I appreciate it.'

Larry:'Although I hope the thing about Baywatch is true.'

Artie · Larry · unnamed staffer:Artie asks to speak privately, the unnamed bystander is dismissed — 'His name Guy?' / 'No. He's just a guy.'

Larry:Larry claims he hasn't met anyone he likes in 6 months, then pivots to: 'Why do you think I'm so excited about Mimi Rogers?'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Hey, I get some on a nightly basis. I'm still excited about Mimi Rogers.' / Larry: 'You get some WHAT on a nightly basis?' / Artie: 'Some of this, some of that. You don't wanna know.'

Artie · Larry:Artie enters grumbling about 'bags of crap' — Larry immediately: 'What, did Roseanne and Tom take your spot again?'

Larry · Artie:Larry says he wants to handle the Montana story 'exactly the same way we handled the drunk-driving incident in '89' — Artie: 'OK. Gotcha.'

Larry · Artie:Larry compliments the tie; Artie explains it was 'given to me by the chamber of commerce of Pittsfield, Maine.' Larry: 'Oh, that would explain the lobster.' Artie: 'How's that?' Larry: 'Maine. Lobster.'

Larry:Larry on air: 'The heap of garbage I'm referring to is the Los Angeles Times.' Audience cheers.

Larry · Artie:Artie furious backstage: 'People are going to think I called her Cindy Fuckpot or something.' Artie: 'From the Philadelphia Fuckpots.'

Larry · Artie:Larry revealing the 'drunk driving in '89' crisis plan was simply: say nothing. Artie making Larry reconstruct this slowly: 'I said... I said nothing. We didn't bring it up on the air.'

Larry · Mimi Rogers:ON-AIR: Larry and Mimi Rogers' flirtatious wordplay — 'You become nude. I've heard that about you.' / 'No, what you're thinking is that I'm very becoming nude.'

Larry · Mimi Rogers:Larry pitches dinner to Mimi Rogers: 'We could watch ourselves on TV.' / 'Watch ourselves on TV.' / 'We have a lot in common.'

Larry:Larry: 'Come over to my house, we'll have dinner. Wanna do that? We could watch ourselves on TV.'

Larry · Artie:Post-show: 'I thought Mimi was terrific.' / 'That will win the Nobel Prize for chemistry.' / 'I hope so. Don't forget to submit me.'

Hank · Larry:Artie: 'She said she likes juggling. I like juggling. Sometimes the magic just appears.' / Larry: 'Well, you know, we are a variety show.'

Larry · Mary Beth Nagler:Larry: 'This is not my cousin.' / Mary Beth: 'I'm Mary Beth Nagler from Montana. I'm having Larry's baby.'

Mary Beth Nagler · Larry:Mary Beth, to Larry: 'Oh, I like the way you talked about us on the show. One day, I'll be able to show the baby that tape and say, "that's your daddy."'

Larry:Larry to Artie: 'Is she the only one, or did you run across some Muslim extremist who'd like to meet Larry?'

Larry:Larry's Menendez Brothers moment: as Lloyd's questioning tightens, Larry says 'What am I? I feel like the Menendez brothers.'

Larry · Lloyd (lawyer):Larry's lawyer charges him $750, then: 'Make it an even 7. Don't tell anybody.'

Artie · Larry:Artie offers Larry lunch, basketball, shopping — Larry refuses each until: 'Buy yourself something extravagant? Cheer yourself up?' / 'Yep.'

Larry:Larry claims he and Tom Snyder had a 'shoving match in the Thrifty parking lot' — then immediately: 'You're right. You're right, that didn't happen.'

Larry · Mimi Rogers:Larry and Mimi Rogers with a telescope — discovering it's Kevin Costner's house, then Larry can see 'to Whitney Houston's house' on a clear night

Larry:Larry to Mimi Rogers: 'If that's Kevin Costner, make sure we pretend we were just looking at the moon, OK?'

Mimi Rogers · Larry:Mimi Rogers, meeting Mary Beth: 'Well, uh, congratulations, Larry.' — then she leaves

Lloyd (lawyer) · Larry:The lawyer reveals Mary Beth can describe 'distinguishing marks on your genital area': 'one large birthmark with two smaller ones above it at the base of the penis, forming a Mickey Mouse head.'

Larry · Lloyd (lawyer):Larry: 'That is not my penis.' / Lloyd: 'I have to address every piece of information as it comes along.'

Larry · Artie:Larry's full confession: He met the Montana woman at a restaurant. She was a waitress. He met her in the parking lot. They sat in his car. 'She gave me a handjob in the parking lot at Denny's.'

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?' / Larry: 'Because I hate myself.'

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?' / Larry: ''Cause I hate myself.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'That is the difference. You can get a handjob any day of the week. I get one, it ends up in the paper.' / Artie: 'Price of fame, my boy.'

Hank · Artie · Larry:The L.A. Times column about Hank's phone call: Hank 'babbling about hives, Tom Snyder, and a predilection for Asian women' — 'Kingsley has taken the prize' for pathetic types

Lloyd (lawyer) · Larry · Artie:'She claims she gave you a handjob in a parking lot.' / Larry: 'That is so pathetic.' (long pause, everyone looks at him) 'Should've slapped her out of town on that one.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Handjob in a parking lot at Denny's.' / Larry: 'I didn't say anything about Denny's.' / Artie: 'I think you did.' / Larry: 'No, I didn't, did I?' / Artie: 'Yeah, yeah. I heard Denny's.'

Larry:Larry calls Mimi to try to revive the date: '...that problem has been taken care of. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, I understand, but... All right, look, why don't I, uh... just come by, and we'll sit in the car, you know, and, uh... talk.'

Larry:Larry's final call to Mimi Rogers: '...just come by, and we'll sit in the car, you know, and, uh... talk.'

Larry:They got the stain completely out... Tell Darlene I said hi. What'd you think of the lineup tonight?

Hank · Larry · Artie:Are we ordering lunch? No, Hank. We're not. Oh, because I heard someone mention potatoes, and I can have those on my new diet.

Hank · Larry · Artie:Hold on, Beverly. We're ordering lunch, I think. Is there a menu? We're not ordering.

Larry · Paula:Why did Devito cancel? His agent said he wouldn't be feeling well tonight. Yeah, I've had that.

Larry · Paula · Beverly:Well, thank you. You're doing a great job. / What did Larry say to you that's got you so scared? / 'I really appreciate the effort you put into your job each day.' / Ooh, girl, you are fucked.

Larry:Paula, again, no personal calls at work.

Larry · Paula:The hat — 'is it adjustable? Is it one-size-fits-all?' / 'It's a piece of crap.' / 'But it's in the shape of a hat?'

Larry:Was that an embroidered actual embroidered patch? Or is it an iron-on patch or what? Do you know?

Paula · Larry:Our gifts bite the biggest bag. / OK, so there's a bag, too?

Artie · Larry:Damn it, if this stage caves in, you won't need bathrobes. You'll need bodybags. Well, evidently, we already give a bag.

Larry · Paula:I just want to say again, what a great job you're doing and how much I appreciate it. / I got Danny DeVito back. / You did? / I did. / Larry! Excuse me.

Larry · Artie:We give the worst gift in the business. You know that? / Do you even see me standing here? Or is there just my suit floating in space?

Larry · gift vendor:You could put my face on the back? / Sure. Let me see your profile. / Oh, you got enough on your mind. / Well— Oh! That would make a great robe. In a thirsty terrycloth? Forget about it.

Larry · Phil/vendor:What does Leno give, do you know? / Milk chocolate necktie. / He does. Well, those are probably meant to be eaten, not worn.

Larry · gift vendor:So we're back, basically, to the paperweight-digital clock combination, which you could put my face on? / You seem set on having your face on something.

Larry · gift vendor:Whoopi Goldberg mug. / That is nice. / Although, you know, I'd feel a little awkward knowing that strangers were putting their lips on my head.

Larry · Artie:He's putting my photo on the inner thigh. / Oh, God damn it. / Maybe you're right. Maybe it should be the outer thigh.

Larry:These potato lady questions are terrible. / Well, what would you ask the potato lady? / That's Paula's job. I don't want to talk to the f***ing potato lady.

Larry · writer/Phil:Bill Clinton. Very topical. / Yeah, for a couple more years.

Hank · Larry · Phil:Listen, I think I got something live in the fifth at Santa Anita tomorrow. / The name of the horse: Larry's Valentine. / Jockey: Hank Espinoza. / The trainer's name is Bill. / Phil. / No, it's Bill. See... / Phil is the name of the guy who writes for us. / Listen, you want to get in on this or don't you?

Larry · Artie:Oh, you know him. He's always late. / He is not always late. He's usually here a couple hours ahead of time just to tell me how much he hates doing talk shows and how uncomfortable he is. He'll be here.

Larry · Paula:Is Danny DeVito really on his way? / I have no idea. They kicked me off the set.

Larry · Artie:I could call David Copperfield and ask him to do the show. He owes me one. / I'll bet he does.

Larry · Potato Lady:What is it? / Thomas Jefferson. / This is a very exciting development.

Larry · staffer:Where's Danny? / You were so great with the potato lady. / Where is he?

DeVito · Larry:Well, your booker — she said that you were going to fire her if I didn't show up. I don't want that on my conscious. / She's troubled.

Larry · Paula:Did you tell Danny DeVito that I was going to fire you if he didn't do the show? / I didn't use those exact words. / Well, do you realize what inappropriate behavior that is? / Do you realize how badly that reflects on me? / Am I fired now?

Larry:Was that an aftershock? / I believe it was. / OK, well — we live in Southern California, we dress in Southern California, and we do a show in Southern California.

Larry · Hank:Hank, sit down. / Let's not overreact... / OK! / That would be... another one? / Why don't we take a break and let Hank collect himself?

Artie · Larry:Now I want you to breathe. Come on — do that. Good. Now, when you're doing that, do you have any good or bad feelings about any of these names... Daddy's Girl... breathe... Lucky Lindy, Hot to Trot... any feelings at all? / Hot to Trot. / Good. I knew it.

Artie · Larry:Stage 2, Stage 9, or Stage 12? / 2. Let's go to Stage 2. / Or 9. 2 or 9. I don't know. / I can't make a decision, but we gotta get out of here.

DeVito · Larry:Look, I'm out of here. I appreciate you inviting me down to do the show, but I'm going. / Wait a minute. We haven't even done your segment yet. You're next. / If I'm gonna die, I want to die with my family, not with Jimmie Walker and the weirdo with the doughnuts. / Potatoes? The potato lady? / Whatever.

Larry · Artie:They can put my face on those, right? / Oh, hell, yes. We could put your cock on it. / As long as it's not the hour hand.

Paula · Larry:I want to say that I think the segment with Danny DeVito went really, really well, and I think that you were extremely hilarious with the potato lady. / Yeah, well, I think we all know that.

Paula · Larry:I gotta say that about 3 times a week to get guests to do this show. / You do? / You wouldn't believe the lengths I have to go to. The other week, when Tom Hanks tried to back out, I had to cry and feign illness. I mean, muffin mania gifts. It's endless.

Larry · Paula:Who do you have on tap for tomorrow night? / Bob Uecker, Shari Lewis, and the seashell man. / And sting. / Oh, have we got sting? / You betcha.

Stevie · Larry:Stevie makes Larry repeat: 'Cohosting detracts from my essential specialness in the marketplace.'

Elvis Costello · Larry:Costello says he's 'taken care of it meself' and leaves. Then: 'By the way, Larry, I'm a big fan.' [Costello exits]

Artie · Larry:Artie reveals how he quit the People's Choice: 'I told 'em — just take your tap shoes and shove 'em up your collective ass.' / 'You quit?' / 'No. They fired me. Rule number one — never quit. Always make them fire you. That way, you get your money.'

Hank · Larry:Hank's phone call with Larry — Larry congratulates him, Hank says 'You left me some mighty big shoes to fill.' Larry: 'Come on, come on.' Hank: 'That's very nice of you.' / 'No one can do this show quite like you.'

Larry · Artie:Larry on speakerphone after Hank exits: 'Is he gone yet?' / 'Don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass.'

Artie · Larry:Artie's closing self-assessment: 'I'll admit, I may have mishandled this affair, but everything turned out for the best. And I think you see that it's gonna be all right.' [Thud] 'Oh!' Larry: 'You agree, right? Hey, Artie? What's happenin'?'

Larry:Denny's joke: 'The charges were immediately denied by Denny's grand Imperial wizard.'

Larry:John Wayne Bobbitt paternity joke: 'just to show there are no hard feelings, ex-wife Lorena has offered to do the circumcision'

Larry:Bob Barker harassment joke: 'Barker denies the charges, saying he's been spayed and neutered since '89.'

Larry · Darlene:Larry dismisses the staff retreat, then immediately pivots: 'Buses, I drove one in this morning. I have a lot of new buses. You know, I'm doing really well.'

Larry · Darlene:Larry: 'I'd do anything to win the sack race.' Said sincerely, about a staff retreat game.

Larry · Darlene:Larry offers Darlene a ride, then says he'll drop her around the corner so Hank doesn't see him

Darlene · Larry:Darlene says Larry and Hank have 'such a cute relationship' as Larry insists he'll drop her around the corner so Hank doesn't see him

Larry · Darlene · Hank:Larry walks Darlene into Hank's restaurant, saying 'You didn't have to walk in with me, Larry' / 'Well, no, I didn't, but I'm happy to' — then Hank appears and Larry is caught

Hank · Larry:Hank asks Larry 'Is this the first time you've given Darlene a ride?' — then the rotating floor mechanism starts up, moving Larry away before he can answer

Larry · Artie:Larry says 'I drove Darlene home last night' — then a long beat as Artie says nothing

Larry · Artie:Darlene has a collection of primitive dolls from Mexico and Africa; she keeps one in the passenger seat 'so she has someone to talk to in heavy traffic' — but actually to use the diamond lane

Artie · Larry:Artie raises the bet from $1,000 to $1,500 after hearing about tantric sex; Larry says 'Make it an even 2,000' when he admits nothing happened; Artie raises to $2,500 — a running escalating wager on the relationship being trouble

Larry:Larry explains tantric sex: 'When the man holds back his orgasm so that... I guess you could just keep going forever.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Because you made the same mistake with me.' Larry: 'I thought we agreed never to talk about that again.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Yes, we did.' / Larry: 'Good.' / Artie: 'Because it was a mistake.'

Larry:Larry provides a comically complete alibi for his innocent evening: 'All I did was take her over to Hank's. Then I took her home. Then I drove home. Then I got up this morning, and I drove here. And now I'm here getting shit for I don't know what. Are we up to date?'

Artie · Larry:Artie, apparently referencing something about Larry's sexual appeal: 'It ain't dipped in gold.' Larry: 'Beg your pardon?' Artie: 'What's not dipped in gold?' Larry: 'I don't know. She says that's not dipped in gold. Like I'm supposed to know what that means.'

Larry:Larry: 'Um...I wanna nuke my muffin.' — abruptly ending the conversation

Larry · Phil:The muffin microwave scene — another man (apparently competing for Darlene) arrives at the break room while Larry is nuking his muffin, and they're both stalling

Phil · Larry:Phil to Larry: 'Back off. Back off, jack.' Then Larry: 'Wow. How old are you?' Phil: 'I tell people I'm 39.'

Phil · Larry:After Larry says nothing is going on with Darlene, Phil says 'Great. Thank you.' Larry says 'Aren't you gonna heat your muffin?' Phil: 'Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?'

Darlene · Larry:The elevator ding followed by Darlene appearing — immediately after the Phil/Larry microwave standoff

Larry · Darlene:Darlene thanks Larry for the ride; the silence and body language between them as Larry says 'Oh! You're welcome' — a ten-second gap after the exchange before anyone else speaks

Larry:Larry says 'Congratulations, Darlene, and...Good luck.' — apparently to an oblivious Darlene, as if she's already doomed

Larry · Writer:Writer doing a British accent: 'Hello, mum, hello.' Larry: 'That's funny.' Writer: 'That's funny to you?'

Larry · Artie:Larry, panicking about Darlene/Phil news, asks: 'How long has Darlene been dating Phil?' Artie immediately: '4,500.'

Larry:Clinton/Whitewater joke: 'Remember the days when he was only in trouble with white women?'

Larry:Gene Rayburn asthma joke: 'Researchers have identified a gene that may cause asthma and hayfever. Sadly, it turned out to be Gene Rayburn.'

Darlene · Paula · Larry:Darlene: 'So he just asked me out to piss you off.' Paula: 'If I had known...I'm sorry.' / 'I have to go get the phone.'

Larry · Darlene:Darlene and Larry argue; Darlene says 'she's not my type' / Larry: 'Really? What don't you like? The blond hair? Big breasts?' Larry: 'You know, she's not a thinker.' Darlene starts crying quietly.

Larry · Darlene:In the elevator: Larry and Darlene both prefer the same one of the dolls she holds up. 'Which one of these do you like the most? / Oh. This one. / Yeah. Me, too.'

Larry · Darlene:Larry in the elevator tells Darlene 'we can't let things go on like this.' Darlene: 'I'm serious. She's not my type.' Larry: 'Really? What don't you like? The blond hair? Big breasts? You know, she's not a thinker.' Darlene cries quietly. Larry: 'I'm sorry to hear that, darlene. Who's next?'

Larry · Darlene:Larry breaks it off with Darlene in the elevator: 'She's not my type.' 'What don't you like? The blond hair? Big breasts?' 'You know, she's not a thinker.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'I'm gonna fire one of these idiots. Which one?' Artie: 'You know, you're right. Both of 'em. Both of those idiots.' Larry: 'Maybe 3?' Artie: 'Yeah. Maybe 4.' Larry: 'I quit.'

Artie · Larry:Artie has purchased a Browning shotgun ('this sweetheart') worth $5,000 with engraving; tells Larry he'll pay the extra $1,000 for it. Larry: 'Load it.'

Artie · Larry:Artie and Larry on bus, agreeing the staff brought it on themselves: 'I must say, they brought it on themselves.' 'Yes, they did.' 'Serves 'em all right.' 'It sure does.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'I thought we agreed that our evening of bliss was an event best not repeated.' Larry: 'Well, you picked a fine time to tell me this.' Artie: 'And it was 3 evenings.'

Larry:Larry: 'I want my money back.' — final line of the episode, referring to the bet

Larry · Sharon Stone:vous êtes très gentil — I want to thank you for being here. I hope you'll come back soon. / No. / You'll be coming back, won't you? / No. / Come on. / I don't think so. / No, that'll be it.

Sharon Stone · Larry:Oh, I feel so uncomfortable when I do these shows. Really? Well, so do I. / You do? / Yeah. / You're so good at it. / No, trust me, I hate myself.

Larry · Hank:Oh, for god's sake, Hank, if you want to know about my relationship, just ask me. Don't read that stuff. / See, I'm sorry. But I just didn't know. I didn't know I had that option.

Artie · Larry:Of course not. / Good.

Larry:Do you know who ate the last doughnut? I'll kill the person who ate the last doughnut. Was it you?

Larry · Sharon Stone:Who are you sitting with? / Bill and Hillary. / Oh, them.

Larry · Sharon Stone:Table 1? / Mm-hmm. / [Sighs] / Well— / Well, you're just tired, I guess. / I don't know. / I'll tell you what... / Yeah. You're just tired. You're working too hard.

Larry · Artie:This has nothing to do with being famous. I can show you a list of women this long that aren't famous that I haven't been able to get it up with. / That came out wrong. / Take your time.

Paula · Larry:I think he's got incredible balls. / Paula, don't say 'balls.' Men find that off-putting. / Thanks for the tip. / Don't say 'tip.'

Larry · Producer/PA:Bobcat here yet? Yes. Good. Michael Bolton and Regis Philbin are here as well.

Paula · Larry:Michael Bolton has a slight head cold. He's still going to sing. / Good. Good.

Artie · Larry:Your fly's open. / Thank you. / Don't mention it. / Looking at my crotch? / I consider it a perk.

Hank · Larry:Hank's pre-show speech: 'I just want you to know I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna give it my all, same as I always do. This has nothing to do with you and I, it's just, I'm going through some stuff, and I'm not gonna let it affect my performance.'

Larry · Artie:I really don't want to have Regis on again. / At least he didn't sing. / Yeah. No, I'll give him that.

Larry · Artie:I really don't want to have Regis on again. At least he didn't sing. / Yeah. No, I'll give him that.

Hank · Larry:Little smile? / OK. Good.

Larry:Larry's silent reaction beat after Artie says 'Oh, he doesn't want to go with Hank' — Larry's face confirming what everyone already knew

Jon Lovitz · Larry:'Your show must be really hot.' / 'Why is that?' / 'Because you got me.'

Larry · Jon Lovitz · Darlene:Jon asks to see the bracelet he gave Darlene; she hesitates; Larry intervenes with 'Darlene, could you call make-up and tell them to come remove my tissues.' Jon: 'I can do it.' Larry: 'Uh, no, no. Bruno. It's a union thing.'

Jon Lovitz · Larry:Intercut: Jon Lovitz telling a story to Larry, including 'I said, potato. She goes, no, just fuck off.'

Larry · Jon Lovitz:Larry to Jon: 'It's always Darlene. She was in Playboy, you know.' Jon: 'Did you see it?' Larry: 'No.' Jon: 'Oh, man.'

Jon Lovitz · Larry:Jon: 'Force her to go out with me.' Larry: 'That would be called sexual harassment.' Jon: 'Oh, come on! "Blow me." That's sexual harassment.'

Larry · Jon Lovitz:Larry exits the Jon conversation by saying 'I gotta go talk to the bird lady' — then continues being pursued by Jon asking 'why not?' repeatedly

Larry · Jon Lovitz:Larry, asked why he won't meddle in Darlene's dating life: 'What people do with their own time is their business. I don't meddle.' — Jon: 'So she is a lesbian?'

Jon Lovitz · Larry · Paula:Jon tells the snake-on-the-food-tray story from City Slickers 2 set, then Larry tells Paula to redirect him to the tux rental story

Larry · Artie:Larry, after the Jon Lovitz walkout: 'God, my ass looks fat in these pants.' — Artie's response: 'Hey, cut the horseshit, Adam.'

Larry:Larry apologizing to Jon on the phone: blames Paula's 'misunderstanding' about the snake story, then adds 'between us, she's got an eating disorder. Yeah, serious.'

Larry · Darlene · Hank:Three-way argument about why Jon walked: Darlene says it's because of her; Hank says it's because of the bracelet; Larry says it's the snake story argument — all three are simultaneously right and wrong

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'You turned on her alarm system.' Larry: 'You did not read the police report.' Artie: 'I'm quoted quite liberally in it.' Larry: 'You did not read the whole thing!'

Larry · Hank:The group assures Jon that Darlene is definitively not a lesbian: 'Guys, guys, and nothing but guys. That's our Darlene in a nutshell.' Hank: 'Yeah, I could vouch for it, too. Uh, we went out briefly, um, but she... you know. She's a little needy, but other than that...'

Artie · Larry · Jon Lovitz:Jon: 'Uh, Jon, this whole... this misunderstanding has something to do with the snake story, doesn't it?' Jon: 'What snake story?' Larry/Artie: 'Darlene!'

Beverly · Larry:Am I going too fast? / No, I'm just starting to realize I have about 6 months to live.

Larry:I dragged Joel Grey about 20 yards before I realized he'd fallen down. Talented man. Father of actress Jennifer Grey.

Larry:Is she athletic? I don't think so. Pass.

Larry · Artie:I've decided I won't do benefits unless they're for a cause I really believe in, or something I want to get involved with. Since when? Personal decision I've made. When? Years ago, but it's time I start sticking to it.

Larry · Beverly:This is about my personal beliefs, not money. [beat] The disabled voters coalition. When? Where? How much?

Larry · Beverly:What, are they kidding? No, that's what it says. Cheapskates. All right, call them. Tell them maybe if they send a helicopter. Otherwise, no dice.

Beverly · Hank · Larry:You have Alzheimer's on the 20th. Damn. Now, how much do they pay? Uh, 5,000. And the other people? 7,500. Good-bye, Alzheimer's.

Larry · Artie:Did they do a nice job? Fan-fucking-tastic. Any other details? He should regain full flexibility. No, I mean about the cake. Mocha frosting.

Larry · Artie:Finally. How many times have I said we should have Rob Reiner? / Who's got time to count?

Artie · Larry:And your hair's the same color as last week. That's good. Thank you.

Artie · Larry:You know, that happens to creative geniuses, to all except my good friend Professor Irwin Corey. Who we can have on again as often as you want. I'll make a note. Don't mime.

Larry · Artie:I heard spinal tap was almost all improvised. I'm gonna ask him about that. / I'll be so entertained.

Artie · Larry:You'll be able to tell there's no head on the horse. It's gonna look stupid. No, I asked props for heads and lassos.

Larry · Phil:This Mike Ditka question... I'll ask about his new cat? / No, his new car. / This is a 't.' / No, it doesn't make sense... 'driving your new cat down the Santa Monica freeway.'

Larry · Hank:Never mind. This Saturday night, nerve deafness, they need an emcee. Larry passed. / And tell them I have some nerve deafness.

Larry:A new study shows that over 1.6 million children ages 5-14 are left home alone each day. / Boy, finally some good news for Michael Jackson.

Larry · Artie:Can we class up the monologue? We've got Rob Reiner on tonight. / We haven't had luck with class. God knows we've tried.

Larry · Artie:Man, 30 minutes to air and that asshole cancels. He's an asshole. He's a fucker.

Larry · Artie · Paula:Let me guess the excuse. Cold? No. Family emergency? No. Bad sprain. Bingo. Ankle? Getting warmer. Getting out of shower? No, coming down the stairs on the way here. / How cinematic! I can almost see him falling. That's what makes him a genius.

Larry:This sucks, man. I'm getting a job at the Gap. I'm selling socks from now on.

Larry · Artie:And people wonder why I'm a cynical asshole. / No, they don't.

Larry:You know, ever since he's done Homicide, that guy's attitude has really changed. You know that? Have you noticed? I mean, these stand-up comics who think they're fucking actors make me sick.

Belzer · Larry:Rob Reiner's a genius? And I'm here. / It'll sink in. I'll whip myself tomorrow.

Belzer · Larry:I'm gonna take this with me. I collect mugs from all over the world. / Uh, no. Those... / Why not? Show policy. / Those aren't for taking. / You'll have security stop me on the way out? / Just don't take the ones with the pictures. / Your picture? Yeah. / Don't worry about it. I'll get you another.

Larry · Artie:Reiner screwed us, and it's all I can think about out there. / How's the show? Great. / How's the audience? / It's a little too warm in the studio.

Larry · Artie:What's wrong with the human race? / I think that every time I watch America's Funniest People. That just about breaks your spirit.

Larry:I'll do that benefit tomorrow night... I'll rub his face in it, Artie. You know that? I'll look like the bigger man, make him feel like shit.

Larry · Artie:A few good men... want a good courtroom movie? Caine Mutiny. Yeah, Bogie with the steel balls. Exactly.

Larry · Rob Reiner:Rob Reiner encounter in bathroom: Larry confronting Reiner, Reiner having a visible half-cast on his ankle, and Larry's evident discomfort that the injury appears real.

Rob Reiner · Larry:Larry, do you honestly think I would cancel at the last second without a legitimate excuse? / Well, you know, we're both in the business.

Rob Reiner · Larry:You are the bigger man of the two of us. / I am uncomfortable discussing size in the bathroom, you know what I mean? Let's let it go at that.

Larry · Artie:What is this? / This is disaster-preparedness furnishings. / The ham's a lamp? / There's a flashlight in there. / Right. And all this food is edible? / Exactly. / The Twinkies have a 27-year shelf life. / With the light on? / It doesn't matter. You can't penetrate a Twinkie.

Artie · Larry:Did Reiner have a little piece of toilet paper or a couple of feet? / That's not the important part. / Toilet paper is always very funny to everyone except the French. I don't think those bidets are sanitary at all, do you?

Phil · Larry · Artie:I think you should be open and honest with him. / Shut up. / I lean towards Phil on this one. Phil, you're dismissed. You're contaminating Larry. / Why can't I hear both sides? / You can't handle the truth.

Phil · Larry:Oh, yeah? You want the truth? This. [holds up unfunny bit] It isn't funny. / This is hilarious. Ha ha. See?

Larry:Listen, Rob, I know you were honest with me. And I want to be honest with you... I was just there to rub your face in it. I was pretty mad that you canceled the other night and wanted to make you feel like shit. That's why I showed up at the benefit.

Larry · Artie:Who? / Have a wonderful show. / Who? / It's not Pauly Shore, is it?

Pauly Shore · Larry:When will you book me again? / When another big, huge guest cancels? / Maybe within the month. No shit. Then we could talk about my new army movie.

Pauly Shore · Larry:Pink diggly diggly, the new CD. / Yeah. What is that? / You'll have to listen to it. / Bye-bye.

Larry · Artie · Beverly:How did the nerve deafness dinner go? / Oh, fine. / You're a better man than I am. / I would have taken that 10 grand like... whoa. / They offered you 10 grand? / Yeah. / Beverly.

Larry:Larry on stage: 'I thought it was hot outside.'

Larry:Larry: 'I just bought that line from Wayne Newton. I got that, and I got: "Screw the casino, we're going all night." And I got, "OK."'

Larry · Hank:Hank on Haiti: 'Haiti? Uh, where's that?' / Larry: 'That is right next to the Dominican Republic.' / Hank: 'Oh, right, right. I knew that. That's a great shop, you know. I, uh...' / Larry: 'I believe you're thinking of the Banana Republic.'

Larry:Larry: 'If Hank was Secretary of Defense, we'd be invading the Beverly Center right now.'

Larry · Artie:Larry and Artie backstage — Larry has a wardrobe malfunction with his tie, Artie tries to fix it while choking him, then Artie says 'You're choking me.' / Larry: 'Yeah, well, I know. I think we're both a little more sentimental than we like to let on.' / Artie: 'I mean with the tie.'

Hank · Larry:Hank: 'You didn't think Margaret and I would last a year, did you? Be honest.' / Larry: 'Not true. Not true.' / Hank: 'I remember what you said. "Hank, it won't last a year."' / Larry: 'Well, that sounds like me.'

Hank · Larry:Hank invites Larry to dinner with 'Margaret and myself tonight to celebrate.' Larry: 'Ah, you know, that's something I would think you'd want to celebrate, you know, alone.' Hank: 'No, nonsense, this is how I've always dreamt of it.'

Larry · Margaret:Larry asking vague 'do you understand?' / Margaret: 'Do you?' / Larry: 'No. I don't.' / Margaret: 'You know what the problem is.' / Larry: 'No. I don't.'

Larry · Phil:Anniversary clip prep: Phil suggests the chimp clip. Larry: 'Please, let's not show the chimp attacking my balls again. I mean, come on.' Phil: 'But people love that.' Larry: 'No. You're projecting.'

Larry · Phil:Larry asks about the parrot clip. Phil describes it. Larry: 'The parrot, uh, attacking my balls? Yes. Pass.'

Larry · Phil:Phil: 'The parrot clip is our Ed Ames tomahawk clip.' Larry: 'I believe the pie eating is our Ed Ames tomahawk clip.' Phil: 'Absolutely. The pie eating scene, it has no precursor in talk show history.'

Hank · Larry · Artie:The Hank wedding clip on screen — Hank tries to recite his vows, chokes up, keeps starting over: 'Margaret... I thought I knew... sorry. I thought I knew sunshine... but I... I thought I...' The audience and crew laugh; Hank walks in as they're laughing.

Hank · Larry:Hank: 'A man's sexual peak is at 18. You know, scientists have proven this, but, hey, I think I hang in there pretty good for a 38-year-old guy, you know.' Larry: 'Hank, that is not the problem.' Hank: 'I know it isn't! And, besides, you are 48.'

Larry · Margaret:Larry suggests a '2-minute warning' — 'A 2-minute warning is when either party just separates for 2 minutes before either one says or does something that they're just gonna regret later.' Margaret: 'Hmm, and which one of your bimbo ex-girlfriends taught you that?'

Larry:Immediately after 'No, I'm fucking Larry' — Larry: 'Maybe we need to take one of our 2-minute warnings here.'

Hank · Larry:Hank: 'How else would you know about our marital problems?' Larry: 'She told me last night at dinner.' [Beat] Hank: 'Oh.'

Hank · Larry:Hank confesses to Larry: 'She's been distant... so cold... see, at first I just chalked it up to female problems.' Larry: 'Mm-hmm. She having trouble with her—the, uh—' Hank: 'Oh, no. No, not that. I mean, on the other hand, how would I know? I haven't been down there in months. She could have grown a dick over the summer. I wouldn't have a clue.'

Hank · Larry:Hank asks Larry: 'By any chance, do you have any of those pills, because I just need a little—I need a little something to take the edge off.' Larry: 'Well, you know what? I flushed those all down the toilet.' / 'I feel awful.' / Larry: 'You know, those really fuck you up.' / Hank: 'Yeah, I know. I hear that.'

Hank · Larry:Hank, having been told he 'accused' Larry of sleeping with his wife: 'Yes, yes, we're in show business, but I know in my heart of hearts you would never fuck my wife.' Larry: 'Not without your go-ahead.' Hank: 'Exactly.'

Hank · Larry · Margaret:During Margaret's speech about the Larry problem, Larry's voice from offscreen: 'Where's my script binder?' — Hank immediately stops everything: 'I got it! I got it! I'm coming!' Margaret: 'Hank, where are you going?' Hank: 'This is his binder!'

Phil · Larry:Phil pushing the O.J. Simpson Ford Bronco joke for the anniversary special opener: 'The new '95 cars are out. Lots of interesting features. For instance, the new Ford Bronco comes equipped—No, no. Standard—' Larry: 'No.'

Artie · Larry:Artie backstage to Hank: 'Hey, buddy, buck up. Don't let her see you like this. She doesn't even watch the show anymore.' Larry: 'Fucking bitch.' Artie: 'Larry, maybe she IS watching. Please.'

Larry · Hank:Larry: 'Well, uh, how about your wife?' Hank: 'Oh, well, you know, we had a good year, but that's over.'

Larry · Artie:Party scene: 'Hank seems in good spirits.' / 'Who's he dancing with?' / 'Himself.'

Larry:Larry, to a musician at the party: 'You're not an original member of the O'Jays, are you, by any chance?'

Larry:"You're so much better than last night's crowd."

Larry:"This will come as very good news to my grandmother who needs a spotter to pick up a spoon."

Larry:"Listen, when you live in the bay area, it's not easy to say 'bay area man.'"

Larry:"The intoxicated man later tried to convince police he was one of those new, crazy, flesh-eating viruses."

Larry:"Please go away. If she finds out I talked to you, she'll hurt me."

Larry:Hillary tried to join the Marines but was told she was too old, couldn't see, and was a woman — "which, by coincidence, is exactly the same excuse Bill Clinton used to get out."

Larry:Larry's on-air rant about the network show 'The 6 of Us' which only has 5 characters

Larry:"I actually believe that you could replace all of our network executives with chimps and, other than the hygiene factor going up, why, no one would know the difference."

Larry · Dr. Donaldson:Larry mistakes Dr. Donaldson (the vitamin B shot doctor) for Daniel Palmer from the network

Larry:"Dr. Don! I didn't recognize you with my pants on!"

Larry · Artie:Larry and Artie get distracted playing Tetris on a Game Boy in the middle of their serious conversation

Larry:Larry's idea: 'Maybe we say that you've discovered the network family tree and you pull out this dead little Bush or something.'

Larry · Hank:Larry's on-air non sequitur about the circus — 'Boy, do I love the circus' — out of nowhere during the show

Larry:"I believe that's the same message on Michael Jackson's answering machine."

Larry · Daniel Palmer:Larry brings Daniel Palmer from the network onto the show as a 'goodwill ambassador' for an on-air apology segment

Larry:"Not always easy for the network to find the chair." (after Palmer awkwardly searches for his seat)

Larry · Daniel Palmer:Palmer reveals he was VP of comedy development at NBC before his current job — implying he was demoted to nursery school, then back up

Larry:"Well, I only know what's on until 8:30 because that's my bedtime."

Larry:"Does anyone at the network stay up past 8:30?"

Artie · Larry:Artie tells Larry the network meeting was 'standard stuff' and denies any mention of an apology — then reveals it in stages

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'Apologize to those bastards after they made me go on national television and say I had a drug problem? Pricks! Prick bastards!' Artie: 'That, too.'

Artie · Larry:Larry accuses Artie of being 'afraid of making waves at the network'; Artie responds: 'I've been making waves since the midwife tugged me out of my mother's underside.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'Unless you think he's doing his homework.' Artie: 'Who the fuck do you think I am, Mr. Chips?'

Hank · Larry:Hank's on-air segment: presenting a bouquet and 'Lipton Cup-a-Soup' to the network as a peace offering

Larry:"If only the Arabs and Israelis would give Cup-a-Soup."

Larry:Larry's off-mic 'Blow by her, Hank' — coaching Hank to barrel past the receptionist

Larry:Larry's increasingly panicked on-air handling of Hank's fall: 'Hank? Hank? Did his earpiece fall out? Hank. Don't...please don't touch my ankle! ...Let's cut. Let's come back. His earpiece has fallen out. We'll apologize to the network another...another time.'

Larry · Hank:Larry: 'I hope you turned them down.' Hank: 'Of course, I plan to. But just in case, are we on hiatus the week of the 23rd?'

Hank · Larry:Hank reveals Larry has already taken Hank's prescription painkillers: 'Yes, but I checked with Beverly. You already have the ones they gave me.'

Larry · Artie:Artie's speech: 'You've been biting the hand that feeds you and the hand's gonna come right up and smack you right upside the head.' Larry: 'Is this the ham talking?'

Artie · Larry:Larry: 'I hope you like it short and uneven.' / 'Well, I'm certainly not going to apologize under some threat. What are they going to do, fire me?'

Larry:Larry's on-air apology: solemn, personal, seemingly sincere — structured as a real apology with full accountability

Larry:Larry's editorial during the post-show debrief: 'These people, if you don't mind my...they...they just think they can push us all around because, ooh, they're the network. Idiots.'

Larry · Sarah Jessica Parker:Larry signs off calling Sarah Jessica Parker 'Sal' — 'Do I call you Sarah or Sarah Jessica Parker? Or Sarah Jessica? Whatever you'd like. Really. Well, I'll call you Sal.'

Larry:Larry (sarcastically panicking): 'Hank's not doing the show? How will we survive? Will there be a tomorrow? God in heaven, save us!'

Larry:That's something my ex-wife used to tell me.

Larry · Writer/PA:He's got a hand grenade in here. / What are you doing? Now we don't have a lookout. / Now, if he comes in, he's gonna see... his calendar.

Larry · Writer:'Right, that's him. Mystery solved. Thanks, Phil.'

Hank · Larry:Hank is near-deaf from an air pocket on his flight from Vegas, so all his responses are shouted at the wrong volume, mishearing everything.

Larry · Hank:Ha ha. A little bit! / Well, you should see a... doctor. / Never mind. / Last night!

Larry · Hank:Do you know who Dawn Lasner is? / Donna who?! / Dawn Lasner. Dawn. / Donna Lasner! / No, Dawn.

Larry · Hank:He's having lunch with Donna Lasner! She's trying to get him to produce the late-night show after Letterman at 12:30. / Well, not today! / Today!

Larry · Hank:Fuckers! God, don't say anything about this. / What?! / Don't... keep this to yourself! / Oh! / August, I think!

Clint Black · Larry:He sent me a picture of himself, and he wasn't wearing anything but, uh, like, a small bathing suit... Like a thong? / I don't know. It was just real tiny... Was it running up the crack of his ass? / I didn't check.

Larry · Clint Black:Larry venting to Clint Black about disloyalty and people who 'aren't honest' — clearly about Artie — while Clint just asks how many songs he should do.

Larry · Clint Black:I don't know. How many did Artie say you should do? / Well, I couldn't find him. / He's not around. He's not around. / That's because he's one of those people that I was talking about — not honest, not loyal, all he thinks about is himself.

Artie · Larry:Dan Tana's. Oh, I haven't been there in 20 years. It's great to find some places never change... except for John, the chef. He's dead.

Larry · Artie:How's Donna Lasner? / She's fine. / Oh. / Miss Lasner is a dear friend of mine, Larry. / Anything else you want to know? / Nothing. / Sure? / Oh, hey. None of my business.

Director/Producer · Larry:Ivan, this is where Larry will hold the cards. First gag... Lassie's DNA. / Schwarzenegger's.

Larry · Artie:So it was just lunch? Nothing else? / Yeah. Kelly! / This chair and the couch, they're off the marks... / Lunch, yes, I had lunch and dessert. / If memory serves, crème brûlée. / Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. / We split it. / Yeah, well, good. Fascinating.

Artie · Larry:So we're screwing each other silly. Is that what you want to know about? / Whew, well, I gotta tell ya. I am relieved. / I thought you were leaving to take that CBS job. / Ha ha! / And you just had an affair! / Oh, sweetheart!

Larry:Sometimes the staff likes to consult me about their wardrobe each day, something I enjoy taking part in.

Larry:Keep him as long as you like. It's really not a problem... you CBS whore.

Larry · Artie:I thought I was persona non grata. / Is that right? She offered you the Tom Snyder job. / Yeah. Uh-huh, wow. / You must be one hell of a lay. / I'm also a good cook, and I mix a stiff drink.

Artie · Larry:OK, you and I know I'm not considering it, so calm down. / Well, then what are you doing? Are you lying? / I'm lying for love.

Artie · Larry:I'm lying for love. / You're lying for love. / Ohh, I think that's one of the Clint Black songs he's doing tonight. / Well, if it is, it's the only one he'll be singing.

Larry · Artie:Why don't you just say no? Be done with it for the good of the show. / Hey, buddy. This is my personal area, and you're pushing me. / Now, listen, I just received an offer. Like you do, I'm considering it, and if you can't live with that, Sonny boy... tough titty.

Larry · Artie:You didn't just say 'tough titty,' did you? / Tough titty!

Larry:You know what I think? I think you're having a little problem. I think you're afraid that if you say no, she'll dump you.

Artie · Larry:Aw, that's a crock of horseshit. / I think you're afraid. / Yeah, I'm afraid. / I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a lonely old geezer wondering whether your melon got chopped up or whether I told you that your ass isn't fat. / Too late. / Not for me, buddy. / My ass is fine. My ass is great. I never felt better about my ass.

Artie · Larry:Then maybe you and your fat ass can go fuck yourselves. / Thank you. I was just waiting for a go-ahead. / Go right ahead. Thank you. / Don't wait for me. / I will not wait for you.

Larry · Donna Lasner:Hello. / If it means anything to you, Donna, I'm honestly very, very fond of you. / Oh! / I'm not going to stand in the hallway while you try to steal my producer 2 minutes before a show...

Larry · Wardrobe Person · Artie:Where are the pants? / They're letting them out in the butt. / You mean the crotch?

Larry · Clint Black:Hey. Hey, buddy. Come here! / I just want to say good night and, uh, thank you. / Oh, yeah. You're watching me even after the show. I, uh, I don't know if that's a compliment or just, uh, sad. / Heh, probably both.

Clint Black · Larry:Well, uh, you know, I got married, and, uh, my wife, you know, brought balance to my life, and, uh, smoothed out all the bumps, you know. You just need to find your Lisa.

Larry · Artie:Ohhh. / Fuckin' beautiful. Have a drink.

Larry · Artie:I just started to realize something that's a little scary. / Yeah. Try me. / I think you're my Lisa, and I think I'm yours. / Oh, jeez! What the fuck!

Larry:Larry's doctor visit: negotiating pain pills upward from 10 to 15 to 20 by fake-wincing on cue.

Larry · Beverly:'That is the recommended dosage.' / 'Yeah, for a 1,500-pound man.'

Larry:Oh, well, I've never been so insulted in my life.

Larry · unnamed assistant:They can only fill it up 3 times, Larry. / Well, then... they already filled it up 5 times, so obviously they're lying, so just go back.

Larry:Clinton's right. The health care system in this country is just all fucked.

Larry:Damn it. I told props that I needed a flammable animal.

Larry:Why is everybody asking me if everything's OK today? I mean, uh... and they say television people don't care.

Larry · Artie · Hank:The chair height crisis: Larry insists the chair is a quarter-inch low, demands it adjusted, refuses to stand up to allow adjustment.

Larry · Artie:Then I'd be, uh... Alex Trebek?

Larry · Artie:Because someone has been sitting in my chair. Maybe it's mama bear.

Larry:Talentless fat fuck.

Larry:I'm going to do the show in my car where the seats are adjusted properly.

Larry:Another thing. You cannot keep me in my own house. Who do you think I am, huh? Patty Hearst?

Larry:When did Sajak get so fucking funny?

Larry:Look, I don't have any deep reason for taking the pills. They just take the edge off, and they help me perform.

Roseanne · Larry:I see. So your show's still in the top 10, huh? / Well, yeah. / Until they run that Frasier guy against us.

Larry · Roseanne:My second wife got married and had a baby and she's very happy... and that's a little difficult for me to deal with. / You don't think Frasier's that good, do you?

Larry:You know what you put me through? I had to listen to a 45-minute lecture from Miss Uptight Anonymous.

Larry · Stevie:I don't wanna sound like a cheeseball here, but she's a special lady. Very bright, very talented. / She's with William Morris, right?

Stevie · Larry:Is she happy over there? Is she happy with the representation? / We were talking about my drug problem. / Right. Right.

Larry · Stevie:Thanks for bringing the basket. / Well, I... actually, this is for her. Um, your basket won't be ready until tomorrow. / You like that sugar-free shit, right?

Larry · Roseanne · Larry · Roseanne:What about the Jamie Lee Curtis interview? / Right. That's a perfect example. I thought I was hilarious with Jamie Lee Curtis. I thought I was on my game and very funny. / Jamie Lee Curtis has never been on the show, Larry.

Larry:You know those Nike commercials, I don't know... I don't know what they cost, but that's the kind we... we should have one of the guys who makes that on the show.

Roseanne · Larry:Christ, am I getting through to you at all? / Huh? That would be interesting.

Larry · Roseanne · Larry · Roseanne:Get rid of it. Not controlling me anymore. I'm a new man. / It's a fucking tic-tac. / Oh... / But that's progress.

Larry · Roseanne · Larry:I'm not telling the staff. / Come on, you're in recovery now. You're gonna need a lot of support. / I can't go through with this. I'm not... it's none of their fucking business.

Roseanne · Larry:Well, you're the one who went on TV, you go and told the whole country that you were a drug addict when it wasn't even the truth. / That is by far... that is different. There's a big difference. First of all, I didn't have a drug problem. I was lying because I was covering a nervous breakdown. Number 2, it was on television, so it doesn't mean shit.

Larry:No! I don't have to! They go through my garbage.

Larry · unnamed staffer:I thought you'd all be at work at 11:00. / Hey, sport, it's Saturday.

Larry:I have a, uh, no problem with my groin, I'm proud to say.

Larry · unnamed voice · Larry · unnamed voice:I guess Percocet was the main one. / And the diazepam. / I don't remember what the trade name or street name... / Red wowies.

various staff · Stevie · Larry:We love you, Larry. / Yeah. Go get 'em, Larry. / You're my client. / Pay up, everybody.

Larry · Paula · Larry · Paula · Larry · Paula · Larry:So, Paula, you, uh... Paula, how much did you win? / $200. / So you bet that I had a drug problem. / Yes, sir. / Well, consider that a Christmas bonus. / Thank you. / I believe that's 190 more than you received last year.

Roseanne · Larry:An important part of this process is that we need to go around the room and everybody needs to tell Larry how his behavior has hurt them. / Who wants to go first? [long beat] / Good. Well, no one seems to have a problem, so, muffins, and then out you go.

unnamed writer · Larry:You know, um, it hurt me when you rejected my gay evangelist sketch. / Oh, come on. That sketch was over the top. There was a character named Jerry Fagwell in it.

Roseanne · Larry · Larry · unnamed writer · Roseanne:Larry, this is not the time to be judgmental. / You didn't see it. That was a piece of garbage, that sketch. / You would've probably liked it. / As I recall, it was just... why... / This is not about me. OK? I'm here to help you. I'm not the one with the pill problem, you self-destructive asshole.

Roseanne · Darlene · Larry:Sorry, Hank. We're out of time. Darlene? / It really hurt me when you called Hank a fat shit. / No, Darlene. It was a talentless fat fuck.

Hank · Larry · Hank:It all makes sense to me now. / What does? / Well, you know, when you called me that hurtful name. Oh. You were just so doped out on drugs, you just... you didn't know what you were saying.

Larry · Larry:Hank, that's water under the bridge. / I remember, though, exactly what I was saying.

Hank · Larry · Hank:It was about the chair height, wasn't it? / Yeah, and I said the chair was too low and it needed to be adjusted... / [extended recap of the chair story] / It's been fixed.

Larry · Roseanne · Larry:Gee, I'm all set. Thanks for coming by. / Oh, boy, you look so much better I can't believe it. / Thanks to you. Have a seat.

Larry · Roseanne:Will you marry me? / Well, are you sure that you're not just saying that because you want the time slot after my show?

Larry · Larry · Roseanne:I don't really want your time slot. / I want you. / No. The thing about the time slot.

Artie · Larry:Your lips look a little cracked. / Of course. They misplaced the lip balm.

Artie · Larry:Larry discovers the Dana Carvey tape is under Artie's hat — Artie had been hiding it from him.

Artie · Larry:I wouldn't do that. / Yeah. I want to see it. / You'll love it.

Larry · Artie:Larry watching the Carvey impression and growing increasingly agitated while Artie stands in front of the TV blocking his view.

Larry:Are you working out or something? You're getting very wide.

Larry · Artie:Well, it's not... accurate at all. / Of course not. It's just more of that shit they do on Saturday Night Live.

Larry · Artie:My chin doesn't look like that, does it? / You have a beautiful chin. All those people on Saturday Night Live, they just wish they had a chin like yours. Chinless little cocksuckers.

Larry · Artie:Why is he whining like that? I mean, I don't whine like that. / No, not like that. / What do you mean, not like that? / Well, you... you lilt.

Larry · Artie:He wants to do this on the show. Are you aware of that? / I don't know why he thinks it's funny. He looks like Tim Curry.

Larry:Don't tell him no. Then it'll look like I can't laugh at myself, and we know that's not true.

Larry · Staff member:Are my lips that fat? / No, Larry, they're not. / Really? / You know what the kids used to call me when I was little? / No. / Fat lips.

Larry · Staff member:At least they're not out of proportion with your teeth. / You know what the kids used to call my teeth when I was little? / You know what? I can't do this anymore, Larry.

Staff member · Larry:I already told you that your butt, your lips, and your teeth are all fine. / No... okay. So it's my chin. That's what it is.

Larry · Dana Carvey:Oh, they didn't mention that to me. / No, we're going to do it. / I'm going to get the teeth, the whole thing, we'll do it back and forth like I used to do with Dennis Miller. / It always killed. Remember that?

Larry:Carvey, I don't want to be ca-kwee-cas here, but I feel squeaky in my squawker. Buck-buck. I'm like aweecabah.

Dana Carvey · Larry:You are so tense. Give it up. There you go. / Oh, that's good. / You can feel it. I can tell. I can feel it all in your back. You're mad. You're angry because Darlene ran away, right? 'Cause she left you.

Larry · Sam/Steve:His chin is all puffed out, you know, and I don't think that I look like that. / I wouldn't know, Mr. Sanders. I haven't seen that show since Eddie Murphy left. / Yeah, well, I can understand that.

Larry:He walks around whining, and he's always rubbing his ass, and he goes, 'Oh, my... does my ass look fat? Does my ass look fat?' / I don't think I do that, do I?

Larry · Steve:I got to run. My truck's parked in a red zone. / All right. Okay. Well, good to talk to you, Sam. / It's Steve. Steve. / God damn it!

Larry:Now, see, Neil Simon, he whines. Why doesn't Dana Carvey do an impression of Neil Simon?

Larry:The teeth are the best part.

Larry · Dana Carvey:Well, you look great. That's a beautiful suit. / Thank you. It's Versace. Yeah, baby, you like that? / Hey, you seem to touch yourself when you say it? / What? Touched yourself. / You said Versace, and you touched yourself. / I touched myself on the leg. / Why does yourself have to mean penis? / Good night.

Larry · Dana Carvey:Why didn't you do the impression? / Well... I was shocked. I thought you were going to do the impression of me. / No, I could tell that bothered you. / Oh, no, no, no, I loved it.

Dana Carvey · Larry:The only problem was, you know, I was under the impression that I was supposed to do it, and it was a bit of a hassle getting the wig and the teeth. It was expensive. I'm sorry. / That's all right. You'll have the money back at the poker game tonight. / I can't make the poker game. My son's got an ear infection.

Larry · Dana Carvey:You love the poker games. You're mad, aren't you? / No, no, no, he has an ear infection. I'm not mad. / You're mad because you think I didn't let you do the impression. / No. / Let it out. You're holding your anger in. / This is weird. That's crazy. I'm not mad. / Just tell me. Get it out. / Why should I be mad? / I have many arrows in my comedic arsenal, Larry. Let's put the Larry Sanders arrow back in the sheath and pull out the Jimmy Stewart arrow. / Bing. / Bull's-eye! / There's your anger. You're an asshole.

Artie · Larry:Dana Carvey obviously hurt him with that impression. / He did. Thank you. / Very refreshing.

Larry · Artie:Larry, I think you were absolutely right in not letting Carvey do that impression of you. / Really? Oh, absolutely. / He's supposed to be a friend of yours. He should know better. He should know that something like that would hurt your feelings. That's what I thought. / I think you should dry-shave that little fucker with a flicker.

Hank · Larry · Artie:I am going to kick their asses. / He seems really angry. / Aw, fuck Dana. We don't need him. / Well, maybe you're right. / You feeling lucky tonight, my boy? / Well, I got a boner. / Whoa, we're all in trouble.

Larry · Sandra Bernhard:You know, that was the least graceful entrance we've ever had on the show. / Would you expect anything less from moi?

Larry · Sandra Bernhard:I would rather sometimes be allowed to be the man. / Well, you're gonna have a little bit of a fight on your hands.

Sandra Bernhard · Larry:It is... no, it's a fashion do-do-do-do... ♪ do-do-do-do-do-do-do ♪ / Wow. Gee whiz. I wish I could do that.

Larry:They're arguing, or they're burying stuff in the backyard?

Sandra Bernhard · Larry:Everything's happening. All at once, they're just coming at me 100,000 miles a minute. / Who is? / Everybody in the business. / Is that a good thing that they're coming at you 100,000 miles... / Apparently, it's a nightmare.

Sandra Bernhard · Larry:I could stay here all fucking night. / Good. I adore you. Do anything for you.

Larry · Sandra Bernhard:I have an erection. / Funny, so do I. / Hey, 2 erections and nowhere to go.

Larry · Artie:Is this about me? / No, this isn't about you.

Larry:Speaking of my ass, if it gets any bigger, it's gonna need a publicist. I'm not kidding. It's gonna have a career of its own soon.

Larry · Artie:Of course, that's what you'd think because you're such a brilliant judge of what people are feeling. / Thank you.

Larry:She's probably screwing Hans Brinker. She's making his skates into earrings as we speak.

Artie · Larry:Oh, he's upset. / Oh, you think? / Yes, I think so. That's what I'm picking up. I've been told I'm a good judge of what people are feeling. / I'm guessing he's upset. / That's not my problem now, is it, sweetie?

Larry:I'm sending you the money, but not until the first of the month. Them's the rules, baby.

Larry:go to Rotterdam, then you go to Amsterdam, then you go down the road to my city. That's right. It's a little place called I Don't Give a Damn. Bye, now.

Larry · Artie:I don't give a damn. That's a good one. / OK, Larry.

Larry · Artie:So he went as soon as I left to take the call. / Of course. You didn't really expect to find him here.

Larry:He's lucky he's not in that chair, the fucking asshole. Fuck him! Fuck me for taking this shit for so long!

Larry:And he's smiling like that because his refund check from the Betty Ford Clinic just came in the mail today.

Artie · Larry:I'm going to say a few words that'll really make you smile. / OK. / Warm, moist, muffin-y goodness. / Courtney Cox? / Oh, close. A muffin.

Larry · Artie:Listen, I told Beverly to place a call to Ryan O'Neal, and I'm going to tell him that it was my fault he was bumped, OK? / Not really necessary, my boy. The storm is past.

Larry · Beverly:Beverly, cancel the call to Ryan O'Neal, please. / Hmm? / Uh, sorry. Just cancel it.

Larry · Beverly:You told him that I didn't hear the message, right? / Yeah. / Good, good. / How bad was it? / Bad. Not as bad as the one he left me last year. / He's got this friend Nicolae. Whew. What a mouth on that one.

Larry:Beverly!

Larry:Very touching. I'm sorry about your father, and... hang in there.

Larry:Let's have a moment of silence for Hank's, uh, father. [silence] How much time, there, Artie? Just about time to wrap it up? 45 seconds.

Larry:Larry's monologue joke: Connie Chung was fired because her sign-off line was 'I do you a long time, joe.'

Larry:Larry: 'I so rarely laugh at my own stuff that I'm overjoyed that something struck me funny.'

Larry:McDonald's opening a kosher restaurant in Israel will be 'the first McDonald's to have the new Never Happy Meal.'

Larry:Larry teases the follow-up to the 'Women Who Smoke' calendar before laughing and delaying the punchline.

Larry:Larry: 'I think this is as funny as the Connie Chung joke.'

Larry:'Chicks with One Eye' — the punchline of the Women Who Smoke calendar bit

Larry:Larry snaps at someone: 'You don't talk to me when Anita Baker is singing because then it won't look like I'm listening. Hank was just scanning, but next time, shut the fuck up.'

Larry · Artie:Promo concept pitches: 'Big Larry, Little Hank puppet. Big comedy, no strings attached.' / 'Larry and Hank by the pool in bathing suits. Summer of fun.' / 'Larry and Hank soaring over the audience. High-flying comedy!'

Larry:Larry's monologue bit about a homeless man in New York with a dog: 'You feel sorry for the— for the dog, you know?' / 'The dog's not thrilled with the deal. He's got a homeless guy.'

Norm MacDonald · Larry:Norm MacDonald to Larry on the couch: 'Hey, hey, Lar. I saw that tape of Hank, man. That's some kind of hog he's got on him, huh? I'm glad the Fonz is sitting here between us. I feel kind of safe.'

Larry · Hank · Henry Winkler:Hank tries to snap at Winkler. Larry defends Winkler: 'Don't pick on him. If you want to pick on somebody, pick on Norm MacDonald. He didn't bring anything.'

Larry:Larry: 'If you want to pick on somebody, pick on Norm MacDonald. He didn't bring anything.'

Larry · unnamed character:Larry comes to the monitor to watch the tape with an aide, and a long awkward beat plays as they watch in silence.

Larry:Larry sees his name on a marquee while doing promos — 'Hi. Hi. I'm Larry Sanders! And I'm flying high with comedy right here every night at 11:30 on KBSS Kansas City!'

Larry:Larry tells Andrew Shue and Alicia Silverstone will be on the show, mentions Joan Lunden Tuesday — all while the sex tape plays in the background.

unnamed character · Larry:Character to Larry: 'You're gonna have to distance yourself from this one, buddy boy, because if Hank gets that dick of his caught in a wringer, everyone near him is gonna get splattered.'

Hank · Larry:Hank mid-emotional speech about Larry's support — then: 'Is my fly down?'

Hank · Larry:Hank: 'Sex is not a dirty thing. Sex is not a crime. It's a loving act between 2 or more consenting adults.' / Larry: 'To quote our president.' [Laughs]

Larry:Promo shoot: Larry in a cape standing in front of a fan. He farts: 'I cut one a few minutes ago. It must be all the way to Seinfeld by now.'

Larry · Beverly:Larry, still in cape: 'Does my ass look all right in this?' / 'I'm not qualified to answer that.' / Larry: 'Well, you have a bad angle there. Beverly?'

Larry · unnamed producer:The promo concept explained: 'You are so excited about the comedy that you've taken flight.' — Larry delivers the local affiliate promo with complete deadpan insincerity.

Larry · Hank:Hank shows up at the promo shoot. Larry: 'Thought you were sick.' Hank: 'Yeah, I am sick. I'm sick as a dog. They just insisted that we do this today.' / Larry: 'Well, you lied to me.' / Hank: 'Come on.' / Larry: 'You're a liar.'

Larry · Irene:Irene Goodman from the orange growers walks in on Hank mid-brawl. Larry covers: 'He's just in the middle of practicing the sketch moves for the Ike Turner sketch we're doing later on the show.'

Larry:Larry showing Irene to his office, cascading into a defense of his awards: 'Don't touch anything, especially the awards. Keep your hands off them. There's a lot of them. Pen and pencil set, that's an award.'

Larry:Larry's monologue: 'Full House was finally canceled.' [audience applause] 'Oh don't worry. Bob Saget's still doing the show where people get hurt.'

Larry · Colleague:Larry watches the commercial and asks: 'Hey! What do you think? Good, I wish it was me. Who'd you have to fuck to get this?'

Larry · Artie:Final line — Larry or Artie to Hank after the promo: 'Good. I wish it was me. Who'd you have to fuck to get this?'

Susan · Larry:Larry, I think that maybe we should keep this relationship just on a professional level, don't you? Oh, yeah. Yes, absolutely. L... that... I'm very comfortable with that.

Larry · Paula:Larry immediately escalates the pledge from $20/mile to $25/mile when he learns the cause is AIDS

Larry · Beverly:'Beverly, I think it's time we sent that memo out again... the one about people not talking to you first thing in the morning?'

Larry · Beverly:Larry receives fan mail containing men's underwear — and the implication that it's a regular occurrence from the same male sender

Larry · Beverly · Artie:'No, my interior designer's named Bryn Mawr' / 'Oh, Bob told me he makes a lot more money using that name.' / 'Pretentious prick.'

Larry:'It's getting more and more difficult to pretend you're not here.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'You know, it's getting more and more difficult to pretend you're not here.'

Larry:Larry chooses the more expensive Portuguese tile specifically because he fears he'll always wonder if there's a better tile in Portugal

Frank · Larry:Frank's escalating financial revelations: 'I'm responsible because I own the company, but I didn't have anything to do with this'

Frank · Larry:Frank asks for a drink mid-confrontation; when Larry asks 'how much is left?', Frank thinks he means the size of the pour

Frank · Larry:Frank insists he warned Larry 'when you were tipping the valet' at the Ivy — a claim Larry denies

Larry · Frank:'You're editing your memory.' / 'How long have you been drinking, Frank?' / 'I don't drink.' / 'You just asked me for a drink.' / 'I don't think that's the case.'

Frank · Larry:'Everything is under control.' / 'Everything is under control? You have the nerve to come in here and tell me everything's under control when I'm fucking broke?'

Larry · Artie · Hank:Larry, finally roused from depression by Hank's forcible hug: 'You fucker. Don't ever do that to me again.' Artie: 'It was showtime. My hands were tied.'

Larry:The show's on-air 'thank you' sequence — Larry performing his host persona seamlessly after the Frank crisis

Larry:Larry's stand-up: 'I fired my accountant this week because evidently he invested my money in a company that had plans to install tampon dispensers at the Citadel.'

Larry:'My accountant has a 3-tiered system: win, place, and show.'

Larry:'He's been recognized by the government and arrested.'

Paula · Larry:Paula walks-back the walkathon pledge amount in front of Larry: $25 becomes $10, then $5

Phil · Larry:Phil's dead-end sympathy story: his uncle's farm supply business went belly up, 'and he was a really great guy.' / 'This doesn't have a happy ending, does it, Phil?'

Larry:'That would be your uncle?' (in response to Phil's 'my dad's brother')

Beverly · Larry:Beverly forgot to send the memo — again — and Larry discovers this mid-conversation with Phil about the memo

Larry · Beverly:Larry walks up to his agent's meeting in progress and won't be told who it's with — 'I would like to know who he's in a meeting with and I would like to talk to him'

Hank · Larry · Artie:'There's no trellis at his new house... the one on Benedict Canyon that he just moved into.' / 'Oh, shit.' / 'Nice going, you fucking moron.'

Stevie · Larry:Stevie's pitch call: 'Kentucky Fried Chicken. What does that mean? Spokesman. You. One year.'

Larry · Stevie:'So I'm the new Colonel Sanders?' / 'Ha! Funny. I'll pitch that.'

Stevie · Larry:'Caesar's or MGM?' / 'Whichever one pays more.' / 'How about both? 9 shows a night, every half hour. It's like the vaudeville days.'

Lexus Executive · Artie · Larry:The Lexus executive asks Larry to read the copy standing up 'like you would if you were actually doing the commercial'; Artie: 'I'll be the camera, and the coffee table's the car.'

Larry:'Is the car gonna be a compact, also?' (Larry about Artie the 'camera' sitting small next to the coffee-table 'car')

Lexus Executive · Larry:The leather interior exchange: 'The leather interior? How do you feel about it?... Does it make you feel good? Do you like it?' / 'I like it.' / 'Hot in the summer. Heh.'

Frank · Larry:Frank shows up at Larry's home late at night to confess: drinking problem, antidepressants, 'I hate my life, Larry. I hate being a fucking accountant.'

Frank · Larry:Frank gives Larry money in an envelope — 'but it's your fees from over the years... I obviously didn't earn 'em. So this is 5% of what I lost?' / 'Well, more or less.'

Frank · Larry:Frank returns Larry's fees — 'It's your fees from over the years, all right? I obviously didn't earn 'em.' Larry: 'So this is 5% of what I lost?' Frank: 'Well, more or less.'

Frank · Larry:Frank reveals someone set fire to his old house and says 'I got the message' — Larry denies any knowledge

Larry · Artie:Larry introduces the Chin family to his staff — the victims of the accidental trellis burning — as people 'whose home was vandalized a few days ago'

Larry:'I'm so sorry about the Margaret Cho show.'

Larry · Beverly:Larry reverses his tile decision — this time choosing the CHEAPER one — immediately after the financial crisis

Beverly · Larry · Artie:Frank has been run over by 'some nut who drove up on the sidewalk'

Larry · Artie · Hank:Frank's 'plan is working' — he got his money back and Frank was scared enough to return fees; Artie drily congratulates Larry on his 'adult' plan

Artie · Larry:is he making this up as he goes along? / He's telling an American story. / I thought he was gonna do his hit. / I think he's doing his bong hit.

Artie · Larry:odd booking for the show, wouldn't you say? / Well, Paula, you know, she was looking for something different. She wanted something hip. / Yeah. What about Harry Connick, Jr.? I thought he was supposed to be on. / Oh, Harry Connick, Jr., dear sir, is not handled by Stevie Grant.

Larry:So my agent's fucking my booker? Yes.

Larry · Paula:Who is Beck's agent? / Stevie Grant. / And Jake Johannsen? Stevie. / Ed Begley Jr.? [pause] / Those names have nothing to do with my relationship.

Larry · Stevie:He said 'shit' in the middle of one of the songs. Are you aware of that? / He's an artist. / Well, I'm sure 'shit' rhymes with a lot of things.

Stevie · Larry:Oh, hey, look, I've got a lot of musical acts, by the way. You know, say the word and I can get you hole. / Well, you know, my hooker days are over.

Larry · Peng Lee:Oh, yes. Tonight I'm going to review Operation Dumbo Drop. / Right. That is the movie where the elephant is... / Yes. About American soldier push big elephant out of plane. Very funny.

Larry · Peng Lee:Is it funny? / Absolutely. Very, very funny. / I give it 3 fortune... 4 fortune cookie. Highest rating.

Larry:Are you talking about your own or just in general? Is that a movie tip from... we've gotten a little movie tip from the far east.

Larry · Peng Lee:A movie called Babe. That's the movie about the talking pig, isn't it? / Yes. / Is it funny? Did you enjoy it? / Yeah, but I suspect lately our pork chop dishes, they suffer. Nobody order pork chop dishes.

Larry · Artie:Oh, man, this is hilarious, don't you think? / Artie? / Don't you think this is hilarious? / It's terrific. I'm enjoying it. / We should do this more often. I mean it. / Absolutely.

Dennis · Larry:We've received a substantial number of faxes and letters from the anti-defamation league protesting this segment that you're doing with Peng Lee. / Look, here's what I don't get. Letterman can send 2 guys from Bangladesh around the world and we can't send one Chinese guy to the movies?

Larry · Artie:Well, how does Leno get away with it? / He keeps putting on those damn Ito dancers. That's a parody of an Asian-American judge, prancing around with twinkle-toed dinner theater rejects.

Dennis · Larry · Artie:Look, Larry, let's be clear here. We are not forcing you to do anything. We just strongly urge you to discontinue the piece. / And if I don't? / Well, then, you'll have a lot of screaming Japs picketing outside the studio. / Screaming Asian-Americans.

Paula · Stevie · Larry:Oh, are you upset about what happened? / Yeah. / Oh, now you're gonna get me upset. / Tell her about the suit. / Paula, I'm terrified. I built up these walls inside me, and I'm sorry, it's so hard for me to open up. / What about the suit?

Artie · Larry · Paula:May I interrupt? / A Mr. Chen from the Asian-American Anti-Defamation League would like to talk to you about Peng Lee. / Is that the movie critic guy? / I wanted to say it, but I was afraid to, but he is lame. Everybody in town thinks so. He's not funny. / What do you think?

Artie · Larry · Paula:Well, I think we oughta tell this, uh, pain in the ass from the anti-defamation league that we think that the remote is detrimental to the Asian community. / Yeah. It is. / It's smart. Good press. Right. Exactly.

Larry:Peng Lee, Safeway. / Look how they fucked up their lives.

Jennifer Aniston · Larry:I got a last-minute phone call to do the show, then I get a phone call saying I'm not doing the show, then another phone call saying I am doing the show. / But, sweetie, you're here now and we couldn't be happier.

Larry · Jennifer Aniston:Look at me. / Well, I certainly wouldn't be able to tell by the way I was treated today.

Larry · Jennifer Aniston:You got the Tiffany frame, didn't you? / Well, the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm dating Eddie. / Who's Eddie? / Eddie Ring, our sound man.

Larry · Artie:Oh. You know, we also have a guy working on the show who's just a grip who's dating Sandra Bullock. / Donnie Padilla. He's in People magazine. He gets excited about that kind of stuff.

Larry:These are all, uh... are you all, uh, fans of Friends?

Larry · Jennifer Aniston:Do you spend time with any one of them in particular off-camera? More than... yes, is one of them more than just a pen pal? / Well, wait, it's Friends. I meant friends.

Hank · Jennifer Aniston · Larry:Larry's the king, man. King Kong! Ha ha ha ha! What does that mean? / Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep? / Anywhere he wants to. / I don't get it. / Larry is the gorilla. He's huge, talent-wise.

Larry · Jennifer Aniston:What would you like to ask us? / Um, I'm... gosh, but I can't really think of anything I'd like to ask you at the moment. / If I come up with something, I'll ask you later. / Well, you're more than welcome to, uh, call in.

Larry · Artie:Jennifer Aniston is doing so well. We got to get her back right away. / Yeah.

Paula · Larry:Hey, you... you didn't get back together with me just so you could get Jennifer Aniston back on the show, did you? / Of course not.

Larry · Beverly:Larry tells Beverly he'll hire her cousin Clyde for the prop job. 'I checked wpjp. It's a great station.'

Larry · Artie:Larry announces he won't perform during the kd lang segment. Artie: 'I don't. I never do.'

Larry · Artie:Artie says 'let's make it quick' and Larry launches into a three-year story about squirrels dropping acorn hats into his jacuzzi.

Larry · Artie:Larry reveals he chopped off a limb of kd lang's tree and is going to carry that grudge onto the anniversary show stage.

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'That is a milestone we never reached with any of our wives.' Larry: 'You speak for yourself.'

Artie · Larry:Larry only booked Mandy Patinkin so he can get good seats for the 'sondheim fuck fest at the Hollywood Bowl.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'I'm getting seats right behind home plate.' Artie: 'Get a foul tip.'

Larry · Artie:Larry being sent to the bathroom before the show, and forgetting — then saying 'I already had juice.'

Larry · Hank:On the anniversary show, Larry says to Hank: 'It seems longer than 8, doesn't it?' and Hank responds with an extended awkward beat.

Larry:Larry to Hank: 'I never get tired of you, and the sex is as fresh as ever.'

Larry:Larry: 'The reason is we have no expectations and it is always a surprise when it happens.' [extended laugh break]

Larry:Larry's Clinton joke: Clinton saw the million man march and said 'please, please take whatever you want. Just don't hurt my family.'

Artie · Larry:'Classy monologue.' Larry: 'Yeah. I told you I should have peed before I went on.'

Larry · Mandy Patinkin:Larry asks Mandy Patinkin how long Chicago Hope has been on. Patinkin says they're in their second year. Larry: 'Wow. So you've been doing that show for a year and a half? Boy... 8 years we've been on.'

Larry · Mandy Patinkin:Larry asks if Chicago Hope has ever won an Emmy, then immediately pivots: 'So are you doing a lot of Broadway now or...'

Larry · Mandy Patinkin:Larry admits he doesn't have Patinkin's CD on set — it's on his desk — can't remember its name, but says 'I love the picture of you on the front. There's a picture of you like this.'

Larry:Larry shows the CD cover — 'That is Mandy, uh, thinking.' [beat]

Larry · Mandy Patinkin:Patinkin: 'Open it up.' Larry: 'I will open it up. You're very pushy.' Then admits: 'We don't have a CD player here.'

Larry · Mandy Patinkin:Patinkin asks Larry what he's going to ask him. Larry: 'I'm going to ask you to tell me about your circumcision.'

Larry · Artie:Larry does the 'potty dance' backstage while counting down to air.

Larry:Larry introduces Noah Wyle: 'I've never used the phrase inter-medical before.'

Larry:Larry to Patinkin: 'I suggest that you don't constantly look to the right.'

Artie · George Segal · Larry:Artie tells George Segal to 'Suggest that you don't constantly look to the right.' Segal: 'OK.' Larry (on-air): 'I suggest that you don't constantly look to the right.'

Larry · Noah Wyle:Larry asks Wyle if he'll be naked with his on-air love interest. Then asks again. Then a third time. 'Maybe, maybe, yeah.'

Artie · Larry · Fred de Cordova:Fred de Cordova mentions Johnny Carson. Artie: 'Don't you need to drain your lizard?' — to Larry, forcing him to move on despite the mention of his idol.

Larry:Larry's bladder announcement: 'When kd lang is singing, I'm going to get up, I'm going to be coming back here to go to the bathroom. Clear the hallways, 'cause my dick is going to be out, and it's going to be spraying.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'When kd lang is singing, I'm going to get up, and my dick is going to be out, and it's going to be spraying.' Staff: 'We'll form a runway all the way up to the bathroom.'

Larry · Fred de Cordova:Larry, mid-kd lang performance, rushes to the bathroom — finds Fred de Cordova already inside. De Cordova: 'Somebody's in here.' 'This takes a lot longer than it used to.'

Farrah Fawcett · Ryan O'Neal · Larry:Farrah Fawcett confronts Rosie O'Donnell over the car incident. Farrah: 'I just nicked her car.' Ryan O'Neal shows up and is hostile to Larry because Larry bumped him from the show.

Farrah Fawcett · Larry:Farrah Fawcett to Larry: 'You sure smell good.' Larry: 'I've got to take a piss.'

Ryan O'Neal · Larry:Ryan O'Neal: 'You're Irish, you've never been able to [kick my ass].'

Pat O'Brien · Larry:Pat O'Brien anecdote: 'I forgot my own name. We were doing the final 4...' — ends with producers feeding him 'you're Pat O'Brien' in his earpiece

Farrah Fawcett · Larry:If there's a problem with my car, 'you can take me home, right?' Larry: 'I've got to take a piss.' — Farrah Fawcett asks for a ride home and Larry's entire response is his bladder.

Pat O'Brien · Larry:Pat O'Brien story: He forgot his own name on air. In his ear: 'You're Pat O'Brien. You're Pat O'Brien.' Larry: 'Did you say finally, I'm the big fella?'

Larry · Rosie O'Donnell:Larry: 'We saved the best for last.' Rosie: 'That is so sweet.' Then he immediately leaves the couch.

Larry · Rosie O'Donnell:Larry asks Rosie if her adopted baby got circumcised. Rosie: 'Yes. He had a bris.' Larry: 'So you used the mohel.'

Larry · Rosie O'Donnell:Larry to Rosie on-air: 'Is your baby... I know you adopted him and all, but did he get circumcised?' Rosie: 'Yes, he did, in fact. I was listening.' — callback to the Mandy circumcision bit

Larry · Rosie O'Donnell:Larry: 'I have to go to the bathroom. I have to stop the tape.' Rosie: 'You're going to stop the show? I just got here.'

Larry:Larry: 'I used to have a trough under here, and someone has taken it.'

Larry:Larry: 'Don't make me laugh. I'm going to wet my pants.'

Larry:Larry: 'I used to have a trough under here, and someone has taken it.'

Larry:Larry: 'This carpet can't take any more ur...'

Larry:'This carpet can't take any more ur...' — Larry cuts himself off before finishing 'urine', implying he has wet himself or is about to

Larry · Artie:Episode ends: Artie: 'What an embarrassment.' Larry: 'Good night, everybody. This is the best anniversary show we've ever done.'

Larry · Artie:No one knows where I am, right? / No. It's just like you're here at work.

Larry · Artie:You don't think I'm shallow for getting my eyes done, do you? / Hey, whatever makes you happy makes me happy. / I also had my penis inverted into a vagina 'cause I figured once I had my eyes done, I'd want to get the whole thing done.

Artie · Larry:Listen, I'm glad to see they haven't removed your sense of humor. / Does it hurt?

Larry:Well, you know, there's a little, uh... swelling and a little discoloration, but Julianna Margulies says it's gonna go down in a couple of weeks.

Larry · Julianna Margulies:Would you not touch me while I'm on the phone, please? / Hello? / I can't check the swelling if you don't let me touch it. / I'm sorry. I just... I can't concentrate when you're touching me.

Beverly · Larry · Beverly:Oh, God. Look at you. / Do I look good? I look good, huh? / See, this is why I would never have plastic surgery. / Oh, come on. You had your eyes done. / Oh, please. I did not. / You start tightening up your face, it just makes your ass look enormous.

Larry · Beverly:Who the fuck planted this? / It's Sandra's manager, Larry. She's evil and fat and she wants your show.

Larry · Beverly:Larry arrives at the studio in sunglasses, paranoid. Beverly: 'Who the fuck planted this?' — apparently about paparazzi or press.

Sandra · Larry:Maybe Mark Fuhrman planted it. / Ha ha ha! Is he managing you now?

Network Executive (Sid) · Larry:So, the plan is... we're going to serve America a talk-show smorgasbord. Jon Stewart tonight, Rosie O'Donnell the next, and then Dennis Miller. / What's Friday? / Friday is 'mystery meat.'

Sid · Larry:You look as fresh as springtime, like the apple-cheeked boy who walked through this curtain 8 years ago. / Well, and keeping these apples in my cheeks is killing me, by the way.

Larry · Hank:Shouldn't you be doing the warmup? / You see? I can't get this from anybody else. This... this right here. This is our relationship.

Larry · Artie:Listen, I've gotta get those tickets to Phil's play. / Oh, it closed on Friday. / I thought it opened on Friday. / Well, the oddest thing happened. In the middle of the second act, a car flew off the freeway, crashed through the wall of the theater, and took out the first couple of rows. / Fortunately, no one was there. / Well, he sure seems to be handling it pretty well. / Oh, he's on crack.