Larry Sanders

Larry:You are already so much better than last night's audience... who came in here and looted the place. I wanna thank them for returning the couch and Hank.

Larry:Well, good to know you're watching my competition.

Larry:Actually, I'm a little frustrated because we had Jerry Brown on this show. He didn't actually play a number with the band... but he did score them some great coke.

Larry:I was really leaning towards voting... for the Captain of Captain and Tennille... because evidently, he at least has some military experience.

Larry:Ted Kennedy got married this last weekend... and boy, he's gonna be in for a surprise when he sobers up, huh?

Hank · Larry:- I liked it very much. - Well, you're mistaken.

Larry:I swear, I feel I would be doing one of those CNN interviews... looking into the camera going, "Come on, Suzie. You know you did it with me. Say something."

Larry · Artie:His Carol Channing was terrific. It was. You know, Patriot Games should have been a musical.

Hank · Larry:You could see her thigh between that short skirt and the boots? - I still see it.

Paula · Larry:- The monologue. - There's a monologue in every show.

Artie · Larry:I'll come over later and stick a red hot poker up your ass. We'll call it even. - Okay. You have my address, right? - And your poker size.

Larry:A network president shouldn't be allowed to say Hello, Larry.

Larry:Well, you know, knowing the sponsors the way I do... I just think they would respond more to the hand jobs.

Larry:I didn't know that. Hank's the fucking Green Giant?

Larry:Gee, I didn't know we were still owned by the garage-door opener people.

Larry:That is no way to talk about Miss Parish.

Larry · Jeannie:Garden Weasel, honey. It's the Garden Weasel. - Even funnier. - The Garden Weasel. Weasel's funnier.

Larry:I'm sure that bitch Melanie's laughing her ass off.

Larry:Artie said when we got out of the meeting... 'I swear I killed that woman in Korea.'

Larry:I'm not in a position to say no. They'll think I'm an asshole. They'll think I'm not a team player.

Larry:I'm a day away from just being the funny weather man in Tuscon. 'Oh, but on this good side, it's dry heat.'

Larry:Perfect. I won't ask him anything tough.

Hank · Larry:Permission to speak freely? - Permission granted.

Artie · Larry:I swear I killed her in the war. - You used that line yesterday.

Larry:It's just that I don't even own a Garden Weasel. Never used one. It's a little unethical, don't you think?

Larry:Yeah, you know not what you applaud for.

Larry:Well, maybe you caught the reflection in that magnifying makeup mirror.

Larry:I'm about 100 yards off the green here. I'll try a five Weasel.

Larry:And by the way, it's been years since I've said that.

Larry:And by the way, it's been years since I've said that.

Larry:I hit Jimmy Hoffa.

Larry · Artie:You know the truly frightening thing? - What? - I'm really turned on right now.

Larry:I understand that. I used to be single.

Larry:I understand that. I used to be single.

Larry · Jeannie:You tell that Korean woman that she's wrong. - She is not Korean. Everybody thinks she's Korean.

Larry:Why not just call it the Amazing Rat Stick?

Larry:Should I have said the Fabulous Vermin Instrument?

Larry · Melanie:If you were a guy, I'd take you outside right now. - If you were a guy, I'd go.

Larry · Melanie:I was tying my shoes this morning... I walked into the door, bumped my head. - Whatever. - No, that's what really happened. - All right, a woman hit me.

Larry · Hank:I was tying my shoes this morning... I walked into the door, bumped my head. - Whatever. - No, that's what really happened. - All right, a woman hit me.

Hank · Larry:This Garden Weasel does the work of ten men and a boy. - How many boys, Hank? - One small boy.

Larry:And if Unidac Electronics has a little problem with this... they can screw a lightbulb up my ass and use me as a desk lamp.

Larry:I think the only thing Karen forgot to add... is please do not stand until we've come to a complete halt... which I think we just have.

Larry:the bad thing about earthquakes when they happen in Los Angeles... is it makes it more difficult to shoot straight.

Larry:she started to yell, 'It's the big one.' And I said, 'Thank you very much.' And then she said, 'No, it's the quake.'

Larry:After the show was over, they laughed for an hour... they had fun with us for an hour, then they got dressed and just left.

Larry:Please, stay. I like to cuddle afterwards. And, you never know, an hour later I may feel like putting on another show.

Larry:Sleep well. Remember, we'll all be sleeping at the same time.

Larry:How many times you been on, Paula? Never. Exactly. So show Mr. Spade here a little respect.

Larry · David:I guess it's that time. Thanks for coming by. So... Long? So long. I'm gonna go drive the Mustang.

Larry:Nice kid.

Larry:I am not allowed to talk about show business, Artie. Put on Leno, honey. Please?

Larry:I thought he was doing our show tomorrow, Artie. What the fuck is this?

Larry · Jeannie:You don't do two talk shows back-to-back. It's an unspoken rule. Maybe it's so unspoken that he didn't know about it.

Larry:My feelings are hurt, honey, and by a man.

Larry:Book Nell Carter on the show. We'll lock her in her dressing room for three days and don't feed her. Then throw David Spade in there with a piece of HoneyBaked ham down his pants.

Larry:All those years in the merchant marine have served you well, Paula.

Hank · Larry:My pal Ray Combs hosts Family Feud, he's getting her on his show for me. Is that right? Yeah. Great. Her and her family? No, just her.

Larry · Hank:Can't you hear my voice that I'm saying no to you? Please? I'm saying no. We're such good friends, and you can't hear that I'm saying no to you?

Larry:No! For God's sakes, no, Hank! You talk to you, and you don't hear!

Larry:I'm really excited about doing this Star Trek thing the guys have written.

Shatner · Larry:DeForest Kelley and I had some problems. I mean alien-wise.

Larry:I haven't heard this many women applaud since my bris.

Larry:I know it isn't, but if people could see Hank, who would look at me?

Hank · Larry:Knock, knock. Who's there? What do you mean? You said, 'Knock, knock.' No, I was just... I was just saying that.

David · Larry:Jesus, Merv must have been pissed off. He was not pissed off. They were on at different times of the day.

Larry · David:Hey, call me... You want me to call you? I was gonna say, 'Call me Larry.'

Larry · David:Hey, call me... You want me to call you? I was gonna say, 'Call me Larry.'

Larry · Artie:I gave him that whole manager/agent shit. And he bought it? Of course. He said it was his manager and agent? That's what he told me. You bought that horseshit?

Larry · Artie:I gave him that whole manager/agent shit. And he bought it? Of course. He said it was his manager and agent? That's what he told me. You bought that horseshit? Are you kidding?

Larry:We'll bump him a few times. He'll get the message. Little rat prick.

Larry:My dog ran by and burst into flames... and rolled to put himself out 'cause he read the pamphlets... they pass out to dogs.

Larry:because who wants to be in a cast for six weeks? And then, you know, everybody wants to sign it. It's embarrassing.

Larry:The next option is a bad haircut.

Larry:but was still so embarrassed he also bought... an $8,000 toothpaste tube... and $5,000 pack of razor blades.

Larry:This is actually the same outfit you wear to drive in L.A.

Jancey · Larry:having a comedy club in my own home. Are you saying that 'cause you watered down the drinks?

Larry:But in the shape of a spider, honey.

Larry:Were they Ludes? Soapers? Were they reds?

Larry:They look like big, hairy potatoes with legs in 'em.

Larry:Did you really see my balls?

Larry:That's my cup from the hockey segment.

Larry:Hank, please.

Larry:You actually have to get earmuffs at a specialty shop?

Larry:You're wrong right there. They're clearly found in plastic boxes.

Larry:I've never complained about anyone opening up a lid of anything.

Larry:Wrong. Come on, don't you folks wanna see Hank put that on his...

Larry:And you were 'mistakener.'

Larry:Don't you drop me!

Larry:It wasn't a sketch. It was a massive spastic fuck-up.

Larry:you're so much better than last night's crowd

Larry:Dan Quayle has gotten confused and just thinks there should be more Tru-Value Hardware stores

Larry:they're still giving him a picture menu and letting him point at the food he wants

Larry:He has a new song coming out, however, called "Die, Crossing Guard, Die."

Larry:If I was a rapper, I already have my name picked out. It would be "Hey, Put Ice on That."

Larry:I know I would hurt myself, and my big controversial song would be "Hey, Mom, Get Off My Back."

Larry · Dana:You can't believe what it's doing in Malaysia. It's through the roof. - It's so sad.

Larry · Dana:The one sleeping bag thing didn't work. - First time I heard a complaint.

Dana · Larry:I threw up in it. - Oh, where? - In your top desk drawer. - Yeah, that's what that's for.

Larry:Hey, you clods. Who died? Hey, I'm just kidding. If someone did die, I was making a joke. Sorry.

Larry:After one night?

Larry · Assistant:Who... Who moved my desk? What is this? - Mr. Carvey said there was a draft in this corner. - A draft?

Larry:Thanks, Mannix.

Larry:You know... Boy, I do not... Yeah, there's a little something.

Larry:God knows I'm not friends with Arsenio... and I swear to God, Leno tried to hit me with one of his big cars the other day.

Larry:I'm hosting the show tonight. What? That's right. I'm hosting the show tonight. I was bored on vacation anyway.

Larry · Artie · Barbara:You can't say? Oh, Artie, he can't say. - No, he can't say. - He can't say.

Dana · Artie · Larry:I'm not taking the deal with CBS. I apologize, sir. Thank you. Why? I'm taking the deal at NBC.

Larry · Artie:I didn't even know about the NBC thing. I saw it coming. I hate this business. I'm telling you, I saw it coming. And I'm telling you, I hate this fucking business.

Artie · Larry:I saw it coming. - I hate this business. I'm telling you, I saw it coming. And I'm telling you, I hate this fucking business.

Larry · Artie:Is she with lips or without lips? - I wanted to talk to you about that. One of her lips is thin, and the other one's still fat.

Larry:You're talking to us like we're Martin and Lewis, for God's sakes.

Dana · Larry:Just wanted to let you know, it's prime time. It would be hours before you'd ever be on television. - So don't feel threatened. - I wasn't threatened.

Larry:That sign says "applesauce." No, I'm kidding. It says "applause."

Larry:Mike Tyson was quoted as saying "I'm in love with myself." Sorry, girls. That's it. That's that joke.

Larry:They're using the young Elvis stamp for standard mail and the old Elvis stamp for packages over 300 pounds.

Larry:Arthur, come back soon. We miss your cigar smoke in the hallway.

Larry:What's with Phil's fucking nose?

Larry:Maybe you're too easily rocked.

Larry:Does this mean we have to start wearing jumpsuits because I think only Hank has one?

Larry:If there's one thing I'm known for, it's my complete discretion.

Larry:Very funny. Very fuckin' funny.

Larry:I think you can never have enough vegetation. Ask Sting.

Larry:Do you believe this shit?

Larry:What do I need, a fuckin' security camera? I covered that on page three of the memo.

Larry:Think I'm attractive and a great dancer, fine. But let's draw the line there.

Larry:Bullshit. You've gotten an earring to make yourself look younger. What have you done to your nipples?

Larry:And the left ear is the gay ear. When you wear it low like that, it means you're catching, not pitching.

Larry:Catching, not pitching.

Larry:Hank just threw up in my wastebasket.

Larry:Have I ever told you, Jon, I can't stand the way you talk?

Larry:Obviously you guys don't know about my Chinese weatherman. It's "fleezing"!

Larry:Remember you held my head?

Larry:We're facing east, so it's actually the sun rising.

Larry:I do it because... I love you, you bastard.

Larry:I'm always telling you how funny you are... and how well your clothes fit... and how your ass doesn't look fat in pants.

Larry:Really. That's... You're very desperate.

Larry:Princess Di, it was announced in the paper today... has, evidently, rumored, I guess, bulimia. And this is true, I'm going to England. Hank, maybe you can help me on this, 'cause I'm not up on the protocol. I know you're not supposed to eat until they eat. Now, how would it work in this case?

Larry:Oh, boy.

Larry:'Keep the day job' is the old joke.

Larry:Ross Perot has dropped out of the presidential race... proving again that if you have a silent T in your last name... you cannot become president. Paul Tsongas... The silent T does not work. Harry Truman, yes... because his name isn't Harry Ruman.

Larry:We have a wonderful show. Don't judge it by the jokes.

Larry:That's the prerequisite that's stopped me from winning an Academy Award. There's some little, small print that says... you have to be in a movie to get a nomination.

Larry:Among other things, I would love to see how you do a nude scene.

Larry:I'm an Aquarius. I think that would work. Is that right? Sure. You're a fire sign. I'm an air sign. Air feeds the fire, fans the fire, strokes the fire.

Larry · Mimi Rogers:The harder one blows the air into the fire, the more... Flame, yeah. Heat, and... Explosions can result. And before you know it, there's no way to put it out.

Larry:And my rising sign is kindling, but, please... let's get back to the nude scene.

Larry:Butt out.

Larry:Now, by nude, do you mean neither of us would be wearing clothes?

Larry:Because I've been tricked before and ended up being the only one. Usually it results in a call to the police and all hell breaks out.

Larry:It'll be George Segal month.

Larry:Actually, kindling is my rising sign. So we could build quite a fire there.

Larry:All I'm saying is I've played this course before. I know right where it goes. Hand on hand, flirting backstage... and then I'm fuckin' 'em in Hank's Malibu pad.

Larry:Tell them I have Dutch elm disease.

Larry:Leno will be jealous. I think he's just got that has-been Julia Roberts on.

Larry:I am not gonna ask her about when she lost her virginity... because then I'll have to tell mine, and it always embarrasses my sister.

Larry:Always embarrasses my sister, I say. Never mind. I get it.

Larry:You're such a good actress that I thought you were serious for a second.

Larry:Are you okay? I have a rotator cuff problem. I threw it out during the monologue.

Larry:That? I'm not gonna see that. You do that all day long anyway.

Larry:'Camptown Races.' I know that song. Sounds good to me.

Larry · George:Wouldn't that prepare you properly? That's a great idea. I wasn't born yesterday. I never thought about that.

Larry · George:you'll agree with me... I don't think I should cave in, right? No, not at all. Belly-bump or do something.

Hank · Larry:Kenny Stabler? He played football. Basketball. I didn't have any spare footballs around when he was on the show... so it's the closest kind of ball I could find.

Larry:She was... Jane Russell?

Larry · Car salesman:Why do I need this car anyway? I already have a car. 'Cause you deserve it. It's safer, and it's classier.

Larry:let Arty and I take care of the strippers... because we can probably find one that doesn't know you.

Hank · Larry:What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the fuck is so comical about that? It was a back tooth, Hank. I don't know how you did it.

Hank · Larry:That was the speaker phone. Nice try.

Hank · Larry:When you let one go, boy. Hello. That was the speaker phone. Nice try.

Robin Williams · Larry:It's just too damn easy. He looks like a before from Hair Club. I can't go with you on that. I cannot.

Larry:my head reminded you of your penis after a cold swim... I was honored.

Larry:I don't mean on these stairs. I mean, you know, the network.

Hank · Larry:You got a very different way of showing your love, don't you? I've seen men be burned in dark interiors.

Artie · Larry:You did have that offer to go on after Nightline, didn't you? Fuck no.

Hank · Larry:Everybody but you, of course. / Shut up.

Larry:Three months. We should find out if he has any head writing experience.

Artie · Larry · Artie:Peas in a pod. / Lesbians? / No, just friends.

Artie · Larry · Artie:One of them can't get through a metal detector. / Which one? / Which one do you think?

Larry:Couldn't get a Supersaver?

Larry · Jeannie · Larry:Is this a new... Is this a new chair? / Yes. / I did not know that.

Larry:I can't watch it again for the second time. Too much pain.

Larry · Beverly · Larry · Larry:This can't possibly be number 7 for 45 seconds. / I know, Larry, but I got distracted for a moment. / By what? / Beverly, I want to know. What could be more important than my burrito?

Larry:Beverly, I want to know. What could be more important than my burrito?

Larry:Was my mug out there? 'Cause in this day and age, you can't...

Larry:Steer clear of the phrase 'Jerry's penis' when I'm biting into this cold burrito.

Larry · Artie:It's about Jerry and Sally. / Fucking. I know.

Larry · Artie · Larry · Larry · Artie · Artie:Do you ever notice that we get caught up in a certain kind of thought process? / What thought process? / Like the one we're involved in now. / We should try and put a stop to it. / Fine. / Stop it we shall do.

Larry:I said, 'This job is a pain in the bass' and I got outta there.

Larry:It sounds to me like, with Eddie, you get a lot of boyfriends at once. So I would stay with him.

Larry:Number three: Put your mother in a nursing home. Don't even give it a second thought.

Larry:Number three: Put your mother in a nursing home. Don't even give it a second thought.

Peter Falk · Larry:Don't ask me back on this fuckin' show again. / I love this son of a bitch!

Peter Falk · Larry:I love this son of a bitch! / You guys are somethin'. / Look at this guy. / You guys are wild.

Sally · Larry · Sally:I've accepted a position on Saturday Night Live as a talent coordinator. / When were you planning on telling me? / I didn't know when to tell you.

Larry:That is wrong on so many levels. I don't know where to start.

Artie · Larry:She's 53, fit as a fiddle. / I did not know that.

Jeannie · Larry:The only way we'll talk is if I'm booked on the show as a guest. Fine. I'll book you. You're on. Except then you can't do Arsenio for the next three to six months

Stage Manager · Larry:Five, four, three, two... - What does that mean?

Larry:Marilyn Quayle had the only one that said, 'I'm with stupid.'

Artie · Larry:Dr. Ruth is just back from Africa. I'll book her tomorrow night. It's not a sexual problem, Artie.

Larry · Jeannie:I remember when you were making those toaster waffles, you were very happy. Don't tell me that I was happy. I was not happy. I haven't been happy for weeks, including yesterday when I made the toaster waffles, which, by the way, you like.

Larry · Hank:Isn't this a good crowd? - A beautiful crowd. - Isn't this a good crowd? - A beautiful crowd.

Larry:No, my show is your footrest. Think of it that way.

Larry · Catherine O'Hara:Do you get along with him? - Bo? - No, Chevy. - No. - Neither do I.

Larry:I'm fucked.

Larry:The show is a torturous, miserable hell.

Billy Crystal · Larry:This is for the life story of Pavarotti. I'm playing him... No, I play him as an infant. And what did he weigh back then, would you suppose? He was about 185.

Larry · Billy:And what did he weigh back then, would you suppose? - He was about 185.

Larry · Billy Crystal:How's Jack Palance? Last time I saw him, he was swimming the Atlantic, I think.

Larry:Don't tell me this story again. I'm so tired of hearing this story. I beg of you, don't put me through this again.

Larry:This is like the Hindenburg. When will you start shouting, 'Oh, the humanity'?

Larry:We lost the clip.

Larry:Hi, Mom. How's Chicago?

Jeannie · Larry:Well, honey, next week is sweeps week. I don't want to bump any big guests. Wait a minute. Kim Basinger. Good-bye. Hello, Jeannie Sanders. Tuesday night.

Larry:Kim Basinger. Good-bye. Hello, Jeannie Sanders. Tuesday night.

Larry:Kim Basinger can do maintenance that day.

Larry:Okay, ready? Now, first, you take off your clothes.

Larry:Or does that say 'applesauce'?

Larry:This tie? You like it? Doesn't make my butt look fat, does it?

Larry:I'm going, 'Oh, jeez. Well, at least he's off the island.'

Larry · Artie:You've never been to the house before? Not that I recall. I have no mental picture.

Larry:Your House? What is that, a new Chinese place?

Larry · Artie:Be there or be square. I can do both.

Larry:That's one person every two hours, half a person every hour.

Larry:These are vitamins.

Larry:Oh, shit. That fuckin' dinner. For once I try and join my personal life with my work life.

Larry:But just the tarot reading will be fine.

Larry · Phil:Phil, you know, I've got this... Ulcer? Party.

Jeannie · Larry:You're putting everything we own into a box. Just a couple of things, like Aquarium Digest.

Larry:Then they'll decide we're not as happy as Burt Reynolds and Loni.

Larry · Jeannie:You do drink. I do not drink.

Larry:Ooh, you're not my beautiful wife. Hey, hey, welcome. No dates?

Larry:Hey, would you mind using the bathroom downstairs?

Hank · Larry:The thing is, see, our coats? Yeah? They're in the bedroom... and, well, the bedroom door is locked.

Larry:One of those little Lady Di smiles.

Larry:I'll bet Letterman fights with that woman who claims to be his wife.

Larry · Staff:Great party. Great. It was great.

Larry:Great party. Great. It was great.

Larry:I just really appreciate... all the hard work that you do. Maybe Thursday or something, we'll all get together and...

Larry:Now that sign says "applesauce." No, I'm kidding. It says "applause."

Larry:Before I go on with the monologue, I have to ask Hank... what is "daffy"? You said you're "daffy about the guy," which scares me. What exactly does "daffy" mean?

Hank · Larry:cuckoo about the guy. You should get some help.

Larry:I'm getting some immediately after the show. Hope the bars are open.

Larry:Larry Bird retired because he said he realized he was white.

Larry:Not since Neil Bush appeared on television in America's Most Wanted... has a president's son been on television.

Larry:he says that he's going to "come out swinging." Isn't that what got Clinton into trouble?

Artie · Larry:- Chicks seem to dig his sound. - "Chicks seem to dig his sound"?

Larry:Artie, I don't wanna keep you. I know you have Twiggy waiting at your pad.

Hank · Larry · Artie:that obnoxious turd who does that "Hey, Vern" character. - Oh, that's Ernest. - He's funny.

Larry:Right. Right. Phone call for me. Better get that.

Larry · Jeannie:You are such a girl, and besides, the shag bass are biting, honey. - What? - The shag bass.

Jeannie · Larry:- Put it back. - Put it back? - Throw it back into the carpet?

Larry:I had one of those headaches where I get tunnel vision.

Larry · Artie:Artichoke hearts? Ever try 'em in a salad? - They really add zing. - Don't they?

Larry:Except, instead of a house, it was a supermarket. Instead of Letterman, it was you. Instead of breaking in, she got pushed. Instead of New York, LA. - Instead of a redhead...

Larry:The media should have something better to do than focus on me. That's why I refuse to watch the local news. "Two kittens fell in a well." - Who gives a shit?

Larry · Artie:- Approximately. - Approximately not many.

Larry:I heard a crash... but, you know, a supermarket in LA, I figured it was looting.

Larry:So what are you saying? That after the monologue, I should scratch my balls and spit?

Larry:Oh, great. So now everyone in Iraq knows I'm an asshole.

Larry:Yeah, but don't worry. The chairs are Scotchgarded.

Larry:What's it like not being a celebrity? I mean, you must do a lot of shitty things in your personal life. I bet you bumped into someone in a supermarket.

Larry · Writer:See, I can't do that. I can't be an asshole. That must be real hard for you, Larry.

Larry:You think she would have sold those tapes to Entertainment Tonight... if I wasn't Larry Sanders?

Larry:I'll have... Just get me none. Because I'm so wired... I've had so many, I can barely lie still.

Larry:I'm vivisecting a choirboy. Why don't you call John Tesh?

Larry:Fuck off, Hank.

Artie · Larry:The only way you're gonna get better ratings is if you marry Hank on the air. - God, you're a sick fuck.

Larry:you are twice as attractive in person... as you are on that security camera. It does not do you justice.

Larry:Please accept it before he describes the ribbon.

Larry:"Wow" backwards is "wow." Did you know that?

Larry:"Wow" upside-down is "Mom," and Mom upside-down is Dad's favorite thing

Larry:We went to Egypt with my in-laws who are a lot of fun... if you like being in a vault with them

Larry:I don't know what that means, but thank you for laughing

Larry:But nobody ever goes there because it Sphinx back there

Larry:All the women look like Jamie Farr

Larry:I'm a big Jamie Farr fan and I love women... so the combination just turned me on major

Larry:Major... that's from MASH too

Larry:There's a guy under your stall reaching in

Larry:I realized you're better off just using the currency... getting a wad of bills and hoping you don't get chaffed

Larry:I believe Hank was just then in the Middle East

Larry:When you get close to him, but then when he's Farr, forget it

Larry:I didn't even need to be there for the fuckin' Saget interview

Larry:All I said was 'Hi, Bob. Bye, Bob.' I could've been working at a Jack In The Box

Larry:Donna Mills? Even Kiss is working without makeup, Artie

Larry:Beerskis. Survey says 'no.' Really

Larry:What, Gallagher out of fruit?

Larry:Especially if she talks about the beatings she took from her father

Larry:Maybe it looks better when it's lit. That would be my guess

Larry:To people or to dogs?

Larry:You don't play for the Kings. Do you ever turn down anything?

Larry:By interplay, you mean the times we're both awake?

Larry:When I met him, he was just a cruise director.

Larry:I would settle for Tito at this point. I just want you to know that

Larry:I've seen terrorists do it

Larry:I thought I just heard you say, 'my half.' Is that what you just said? My half of the show, Hank?

Larry:You look a little like Kitty in Gunsmoke

Larry:If I had a gun, I'd put it in my mouth, turn and take us both out

Larry:He's written a wonderful book called My Dog, Myself. Teaching us how to train a dog in five days... and we are up to approximately day four.

Larry:Hank has had a dog. Okay. Well, I thought you might've, in fact, had a dog

Larry:I think that is... It's that old 'monkey see, monkey do.'

Larry:I would just cut out the middleman there and lick him

Larry:Oh, boy. I couldn't... I would just cut out the middleman there and lick him.

Larry:"Sometimes" is the key phrase

Larry:Yeah. Cutting into Hank's action, in effect

Larry:We do not have the cover... but this is what it looks like once you open it. This is what you play. Really, what good does the cover do you?

Larry:Really, what good does the cover do you? His new album is called The Criminal Under My Own Hat

Larry · Hank:You saved my ass. And I did it without saying 'hey now.'

Larry · Hank:I've turned into an asshole last couple of years. That's okay. I've turned into a moron.

Larry:He said for a million dollars, he'd let Robert Redford sleep with Hillary.

Larry:If Robert Redford has to pay a million dollars to get laid... Do I need to finish this thought? Imagine what Hank must have to pay.

Larry:I am not watching my show right now. I'm watching Bonanza. That is not Hank. That is Hoss.

Beverly · Larry:Why do you put her through? Larry, you called her. Oh, that's right.

Larry · Beverly:Do I have trouble prioritizing emotional commitments? Oh, please, don't ask me. I haven't had a healthy relationship since junior high.

Larry:Well, let's stick to me today.

Larry · Artie:Who are they? It's a mystery. They don't need to be a mystery to me, Artie. I'm the host.

Larry · Artie:Walk it off? Cancel. Move on. Why don't I just put ice on it? It's a marriage, for god's sakes!

Larry:They're out there. You don't need to check. Artie was selling them like there's no tomorrow. They must be there, or he wouldn't be in here saying there's hot towels. They must be out there very close by. There's hot towels out there. I could tell.

Larry:Jerry van dyke. Fuck him.

Larry:This towel isn't even hot!

Melanie · Larry:Phoenix? They're dropping you for Chevy Chase. You're kidding. Hard to believe, isn't it?

Larry:They're great. Open-toed. Mine are closed-toed-- I like all your shoes.

Larry · Artie:Until we get this show on track, I have no dick. No dick? Check.

Larry · Artie:Jesus, he's dipping into the toilet. I agree. Why didn't we get the Buttafuocos on? They turned us down. Good. They're not right for the show anyway. I agree. Fucking Koppel blurs the line. My god, no, it's not right.

Larry:Who can afford a hair weave or a transplant? And for that matter, who knows a baboon who wants to give you his hair?

Larry · Artie:If it's Hank, why isn't Hank here? Hank has one line, and it's his name. You think he can do that without a rehearsal?

Larry · Artie:Isn't 'cap in a can' funnier? Cap in a can. Ha! You're right! That's funnier. Cap in a can!

Larry:This doesn't look like it comes from a can. I understand how this part could come from a can, but how would the brim know to come out of the can before the rest of the hat?

Larry · Hank:What kind of bit? Two guys with patches on. Take it off.

Larry · Hank:It says, 'Have fun in Vegas.' I'm not going to Vegas. Yes, you are.

Hank · Larry:But the best cure for stress is... Blow jobs. Bingo.

Larry:What a little kiss-ass.

Larry · Hank:Bob Stevens. Who's Bob Stevens? Bob Stevens is an ordinary, everyday guy.

Larry:Well... This is really going to sell.

Larry · Hank:Bob, I guess you're pretty sold on this product. Aren't you, Bob? Bob? Hank? Yeah.

Larry:Let's book Boy George. His smack problems are behind him.

Larry · Artie:You ever feel like somebody grabbed you, when they weren't there? No. That was weird.

Larry:Hank? Ge the fuck off the bed.

Larry · Beverly:This heart attack is a warning. It was a heart episode. You know what I mean.

Hank · Larry:Before you know it, your head turns sideways, you're coughing. I'm just gonna go fuck myself.

Hank · Larry:Stress kills, you know? And-- and we all know, the best relief in the world for stress is-- Don't say it, Hank. Blowjobs.

Writer · Larry:Is that anything like a designing women episode? Yes, in that they both make you sick? Yes, and involve fatty build-up.

Larry:Wow, if your back end gets too big, you gotta get a Stairmaster.

Larry · Hank:You know, I've been known to have wild palms myself. [Hank] Hey, now. Don't worry, they're not hairy.

Dana · Larry:You know, I really Should get going. Aren't you gonna Finish your dessert? No. Um, I gotta Get up early tomorrow.

Larry:Well, do you want to go back to my house to watch ourselves on the show?

Dana Delany · Larry:I heard you had a stroke or something. No, I did not. I'm excellent.

Larry · Dana Delany:No, no. I had a minor heart episode... Oh, my god. You seem so young to have that problem. No, it is very common among talk show hosts. Regis Philbin had angioplasty recently.

Larry:No, it is very common Among talk show hosts. Regis philbin had Angioplasty recently.

Larry:Which one is it, really?

Larry:There's a very fine line between being a booker and a pimp.

Larry:I will ruin my life on my own, thank you.

Hank · Larry:I mean, she's A pain in the ass. Isn't she? Yeah. Actresses. I mean, they're all Pains in the ass, You know. Aren't they?

Larry:Wow. Is that the Hollywood Gap or the Santa Monica Gap?

Larry:I've decided to ruin My life on my own. But will you just Think about it? I better ruin it On my own.

Teri Garr · Larry:And the joke is on grandpa. Right. Same with the dog.

Larry · Bree:So how do you spell Katya? K-a-t-y-a. Right? Hmm? Well, actually i-a. [Larry] So it's actually Pronounced katia? No, I think It would be kat-yia.

Larry · Susan Anton:Actually, uh, no. We're in the middle of something right now, sue. Oh, oh, sure. Pull up a chair. Uh, there's no extra chairs.

Producer · Larry:What are you doing? Believe me, This is something You do not want to Get into right now. Could I ask you something? What? Um, I like the blonde.

Larry:Is it your dream to, uh, some day have your own retail? Store?

Larry:You have-- You have the most-- Can I-- do you mind? I know it's embarrassing but that's the most incredible blonde hair.

Larry · Katia:Actually, when I was a teenager, my hair was very-- it was very close to that color. Mmm. I think I need some air.

Larry · Bree:Are you having A good time? Yeah. I mean, I know that You're used to going out With big movie stars And stuff. Those women have A lot of problems. They're bad news.

Larry · Hank:Who's that? It's a woman. Yecch.

Larry · Hank:How about a ball game? You wanna do that? Hey, I'm there! Good. Ok, ok, good. Uh, baseball? Yeah. You, me, Artie.

Larry:You are hardly a disappointment.

Larry · Francine · Hank:This is my first wife Francine. You probably Don't recall 'Cause it's been Quite a while. Hi, Hank. I'm sorry, Francine. You didn't Recognize me, That's ok.

Larry · Francine:You only let me invite each of your friends over one time. Really? Oh, I must have been really an asshole. No, not really. Who wants to have those friends over more than once anyway?

Francine · Larry:No, not really. Who wants to have Those friends over More than once Anyway? Right, right.

Larry · Francine:And now I'm just gonna-- I built all these bookshelves, I'm gonna have to put books on 'em. Which fools nobody. Don't I know. Now people just come over, they see all the books, they think no emmys. No way.

Francine · Larry:Aw, I'm sorry. Those are such Nice statues. Aren't they? You know? And now I'm just gonna-- I built all these Bookshelves, I'm gonna have to put Books on 'em. Which fools nobody.

Larry:Now people just come over, They see all the books, They think no emmys. No way. Right.

Francine · Larry:There's a caricature of you over there on the wall. Oh, that's Barbra Streisand. Hmm. That looks exactly like you.

Larry · Francine:You see Nick Nolte over there? Look, he looks like Rose Marie. Oh, look. I thought that was Gene Autry. Huh? No. That's Nick Nolte.

Larry · Francine:He hates me. Then why are you waving at him? Because he's waving at me.

Francine · Larry:You just gave Mike Ovitz the finger. What is wrong with you? He didn't even see it. He saw you. He doesn't need to see it. He can feel it. He's an agent.

Larry · Francine:I can't stop waving. Help me stop. Do something. Just-- [sighs] You just gave Mike ovitz the finger.

Larry:He doesn't need To see it. He can feel it. He's an agent. You know how many times He gets flipped off Behind his back In a given week? He's sitting there Right now going, 'Wow, someone just Flipped me off.'

Francine · Larry:Oh, that-- that thing's happening again, where your suit disappears into the curtain. Looks like a big floating head. That doesn't really bother me anymore anyway.

Larry · Francine:What if I told you I have a gun? You have a gun? Yes, I do. Jesus, You've changed. I know.

Larry:No, no, no, no, no. Look. [TV off] There. Sweet gesture? I don't turn my show off for anybody.

Larry:They will be changing their slogan from 'The marines are looking for a few good men' to... 'I think sarge likes me.'

Larry:Will they take the M.A.S.H episodes and edit out Klinger?

Larry:The schools have switched to the more formal, prettier, carnation-covered metal detectors.

Larry:Do not flip around. No flipping.

Larry · Artie:I slept with Francine last night.

Larry:It was the entire weekend.

Larry · Artie:What's he play with? With his ass, I suppose.

Larry:She worked at Knott's Berry Farm for a short time.

Larry:The phrase 'Be my guest' comes to mind.

Larry:Hey, call me Lar.

Larry:The people around The country are going, 'He's staying.'

Larry:Alec dated my ex-wife Francine.

Alec · Larry:I was referring to our charity work with multiple sclerosis. I know. I know. That, too.

Larry:From the time he walked out all I saw was him fucking her. And she was on top. That lazy bastard.

Larry:So you did it on wheels?

Larry:Has anybody else been with my ex-wife?

Larry:How about the guy who plays the piano with his ass?

Francine · Larry:It was like a theme show. Who's the third? Me. That would be me. I would be the third.

Larry:Legitimate acts Of penetration... Oral sex... And I think Heavy petting, don't you?

Larry:If you keep narrowing it down like this, I'm not going to have any names on my list.

Larry:Making my Christmas card list.

Beverly · Larry:You mean Rebecca Arthur. Why? Yeah.

Larry:I've been really busy.

Larry:Which, by the way, is not a piece-of-shit Saab, I might say.

Larry:Which, by the way, Is not a piece-of-shit saab, I might say.

Larry · Hank:Hank, you hang out with ed. Yes. [Laughter]

Larry:without any renovation, it's being turned into a tgi friday's.

Larry:the wet t-shirt contest will still be on tuesdays.

Larry:he named it-- this is absolutely true. he named it Madonna.

Larry · Francine:[Screams] It's me. God, you scared the shit out of me.

Larry:It was one of those fucking tour buses. Maybe someone jumped off and ran onto the roof.

Larry:Your sister's not in town, is she?

Beverly · Larry:No more than usual. Wait a minute. What's the usual?

Larry · Artie:John lennon, Sharon tate-- These incidences could have been prevented by adequate security

Larry:Alec Baldwin won, didn't he?

Look-alike · Larry:I even stay in your favorite room. 714-- the one with the bathtub? Yeah. And the shower?

Larry · Hank:Good job. Good job to you. Good job, Larry. Good job yourself. Good job.

Hank · Larry:'Don't endanger the ship, spock. Kill us both.' You're a gifted man.

Larry:What I'd do if I was stalking somebody-- see where they live, then come back later to kill them.

Francine · Larry:Oh, it's o.K. It's tom Hanks. He always jogs at this time. Tom!

Larry · Francine:What would it cost to have the bunker saddam hussein has? He means that secure.

Larry · Artie:I just can't believe I spent the money to move the bathroom. That was a wise decision, kiddo. Who wants to walk that far in the middle of the night to take a shit?

Larry · Darlene:Has he ever asked about my configuration? Larry, would you like a brownie?

Darlene · Larry:No. A fan sent them in for you and Hank. Why didn't you say something? Who knows what could be in these?

Larry · Beverly:You want me to hire a taster? No. We don't need to hire a taster. Just have that weird intern do it.

Hank · Larry:A few minutes. I waited for the right time. Yeah, good choice.

Larry · Hank:A fucking puppet show? What are you do-- Say hello to peace of mind.

Hank · Larry:This is the original handgun fired by jack lord on hawaii five-o. He gave it to me on my birthday. You must be a big fan. No. I've never seen it, but don't tell jack.

Corbin Bernsen · Larry:Yeah. I took 10 of my fans on a caribbean cruise. You ever do that? No.

Writer · Fred · Larry:What is your worst vacation? Uh... I lost $250 in reno. Look at that. How? Slots. [Chuckles] Slots!

Larry:That's 'cause you're not on TV every night. You don't know what it feels like. You're not out there having tour buses go by your house with fucking psychos coming in to smell your clothes.

Larry:What do you two assholes have to say now?

Police · Larry:So he, basically, has no idea who I am. No, he doesn't. Yeah. I see.

Hank · Larry:He had no idea who you were? None. My god, I'm sorry.

Larry:What is it, one of those heaven can wait type of movies?

Larry:Maybe if we knew that, we could figure out, Ah, it's a so-and-so doll. We'll work backwards.

Larry:Aw, bullshit. It was an excellent show.

Larry:Ask me who the guests are tomorrow night. I'd tell you.

Larry · Barry:Who are the guests tomorrow night? I'd rather not say. Ok.

Larry · Leo:I thought we were going to go after Letterman money. Well, Letterman had to leave a network in order to get that kind of money.

Larry · Leo:'Cause I hear he's getting fucked. Oh, he's getting fucked.

Larry · Leo:I don't know. Would you just pass on that amount? All right.

Larry · Stevie · Beverly:Beverly, this is Stevie Grant. Hi. Beverly, my assistant. The voice on the phone.

Larry · Hank:Is it my imagination or are you clicking? Yeah. These are the, uh, tap shoes. Why? For dancing, silly.

Stevie · Larry:Just you, Larry. Good to know.

Larry · Artie:Isn't it 'come down'? He's scatting.

Larry · Leo:Not the nuts. You know, Leo? Ohhh.

Larry:No. Thick shirt.

Doc · Larry:I mean, he shit all over my career. Right.

Larry:"He's Italian. She's from Wisconsin." Macaroni and cheese.

Larry:I like New York. You know, the, uh, museums, the park. You know, you can walk everywhere.

Larry · Stevie:I happen to, uh, you know, hate New York. But on the show, you're always talking about what a great city it is. Well, um, I also happen to talk about what a great city Jacksonville is because we have affiliates there.

Larry:I happen to hate New York. Well, um, I also happen to talk about what a great city Jacksonville is because we have affiliates there.

Larry:When did this become a 'screw 'em' situation? Just roughly?

Larry:He's 2-faced, and he's weird. He's just plain weird, Artie.

Beverly · Larry:Hank fired his agent this afternoon. Because he thinks that Stevie's gonna represent him, right?

Larry:The postal service announced today that they'll be putting in new vending machines at all post offices, which, for a dollar, the machine will open fire on everyone.

Larry:Hey! I know this is a rerun, but you don't have to change the channel.

Larry:Damn it! You made me miss the earrings.

Larry:You look like howdy doody Having a tantrum.

Larry · Francine:You're starting to sound like a reporter on A current affair, You know that? here's something you never hear On a current affair. Ow. Fuck you. Ow. you know, I don't believe I ever have heard that On a current affair.

Larry:I won't say yee-haw! Uh-oh. Why not? It's a cowboy term. It's funny If you say it. Try it. Yee-haw!

Larry:The Larrystepper. That's it. No, the Larryciser-- Larryride--

Hank · Larry:Did she warm up Properly? Did she warm up?

Larry:Because We like our steaks Like we like Our talk shows-- Well done.

Larry:Ben-gay my ass. She was so bruised, She couldn't have sex.

Larry · Paula:You, uh, slip on the ice? My Hankerciser broke, and I pulled my neck.

Larry · Francine:He started crying? no. He was crying. He was-- He buckled that fast?

Larry:How much time do you think It'll take to heal roughly? If you had to put A time frame on it?

Larry:Oh, the 'cunt' thing?

Hank · Larry:You remember The guest hypnotist? I think he put some Sort of hex on me. Yeah, that combined with The hay fever medication Would drive--

Larry:Well, I do. I'm gonna keep them waiting.

Larry:I am. I'm going to piss all over them.

Larry:Do you think when Johnny Carson picked David Letterman to go after him at 12:30, he went through this shit? Hell, no. Nobody fucked with Johnny.

Larry:That's just what America needs—another fucking awards show. Political bullshit. You kiss somebody's ass, and they send your name to the engravers.

Larry:Will they send a limo? Town car. Oh, good. Much less gaudy.

Network Executive · Larry · Arthur:Bob Saget. Saget—good name. Excellent name, but he's doing some shows. Wouldn't this be too much? Bob is a mule.

Larry:You're raiding the cast of Full House, huh? Check into the Olsen twins. I hear, once their parents go to sleep, they're wild.

Larry:Bobcat Goldthwait.

Network Executive · Larry:Is he the guy who makes the animal noises? I knew you'd say that. That's just one of his colors.

Kevin · Larry:Just passing through town, doing my film. Oh. What film? You doing the Coneheads? No. Hans and Franz.

Larry · Kevin:Are you Hans or Franz? Franz—Hans. No. Franz. Franz. Carvey's Hans. Franz is the funny one.

Larry · Arthur:What does the award look like? It's probably a statue of a guy's head halfway up another guy's ass. I already have a fountain like that.

Larry:"Hank's memories"? "I remember those winter days when I'd return home from my paper route, my toes and fingers dead from the cold. How I wanted to quit that job, but whenever I mentioned it to mom, she always said, 'Hank, always remember penis, vagina. Ooh. Penis, vagina. Penis, vagina.'"

Larry · Hank:What the hell is this, Hank? It is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. This is what my mom used to say to me. What are the odds of that?

Larry:My hands are over a barrel.

Larry:I would like to accept this very gracious recognition. Thank you very much.

Letterman · Larry:Tom Snyder. But don't tell anyone. Oh, come on. Tom Snyder—tomorrow—Tom Snyder. Come on. No. Yeah. Tom Snyder.

Larry:Dick Cavett tied up?

Letterman · Larry:Take the award. I'm not kidding around this time. Take it, please. It would mean a lot to me to take it. Go ahead. Okay. You're insane! Boy, oh, boy, are you nuts. You're a fucker.

Arthur · Larry:The smothers brothers Are actually brothers. Coulier and saget Aren't related.

Larry:Bill Clinton nominated a woman to the Supreme Court, or as Clarence Thomas likes to say... New meat.

Larry:He's an old friend and a very talented man—Mr. Tom Snyder!

Arthur · Larry:It was worth it. We got him. How did old Bobcat take it? I thought you told Bobcat. You were going to tell him. Someone better tell him before this goes on. He's your pal. It's your idea.

Arthur · Larry:When Letterman said he was thinking of Tom Snyder, you're sure he wasn't joking? No. He wasn't joking. Yeah. 'Cause I asked Tom about it, and he never heard about the Letterman thing. Really? Really.

Larry · Paula · Paula:You're 28. / 26. / Thanks for your support.

Larry:And what crawled up his ass and died?

Larry · Hank:No way... Take off my shoe and look inside.

Larry · Hank · Larry:That's amazing. How'd you do that? / Magic. / Fuck!

Paula · Larry · Paula:I believe he's speaking with Elayne Boosler... For lead? I don't know. That's just one option.

Larry · Paula · Larry · Paula · Larry:Like who? / Jody Watley. / Funny. / She's a singer. / I know.

Larry:Let's try and find someone Donald Trump hasn't screwed.

Larry · Larry:We don't have a lead guest, do we? / Hank will try and jam in a stupid magic trick.

Larry:Dance all night, dudes.

Larry:But I suppose it's a dry heat and I'm just an old fuck.

Larry:Richard Simmons said, 'The woman's crazy. I was talking to the guy next to her.'

Larry:Why can't they say it has a success rate of 74%?

Larry:This is just an example of some people seeing the condom as 1/4 empty when it's really 3/4 full.

Paula · Paula · Larry:He says you're doing great. / He's waving. / I can't make him out, but good.

Larry:You know, in L.A., you can't be too sure what that popping is.

Larry · Larry · Hank · Hank:He was wonderful in City Slickers. / Wonderful. / No, he was not in City Slickers. / You're thinking of someone else.

Larry · Larry:You're right, and I'm wrong... Well, if you're going to be that way about it.

Larry:He's saying you stick to his shoe like toilet paper, which I think is rude.

Larry:I used to dance like that in high school, by the way.

Larry · Hank:You're what? 28? / 26.

Larry:Smells like the 10 of clubs.

Larry:My card was the 4 of diamonds, asshole.

Larry · Suzanne Somers:It's really hard. Pardon me? Yeah, It is hard. Yeah, very. It's hard. It really works. Boy, it is hard.

Larry:Oh, That lucky thing.

Larry:Her boobs were falling Out of her blouse. And all I did was Make lewd innuendoes About having sex With her. I'm very, very proud.

Hank · Larry:Recently I was dating a solid gold dancer, and she was... everything to me. / I didn't know solid gold was still on. / It isn't. She was a solid gold dancer in 1979. I'm sorry. It was '80.

Larry · Hank:I didn't know solid gold Was still on. It isn't. She was A solid gold dancer in 1979. I'm sorry. It was '80. Well, still The peak years.

Larry:You trying to tell me You're pregnant, Hank?

Larry:Was that a curtsy? Did you just curtsy?

Larry:Thumbs, Hank.

Larry · Francine:There's no reason For arthur to hate me. He doesn't hate you. Oh, good. I just typed 'He doesn't hate you.' Yes, he does.

Larry:Surround sound will bring this to life.

Francine · Larry:I like it rough. Well, nevertheless. Surround sound will Bring this to life.

Larry · Beverly:I like the sound Of the banging And then the bell. Or do you prefer The bell and then The banging?

Larry:You guys hitting on My ex-wife?

Executives · Larry:How do you feel About... Harrison ford As lyle? Well... I think, you know, I'm really lyle. Or gerard depardieu.

Executives · Larry:He went insane. He was killed in a gun battle With the police. That's a little heavy For me. No, no. Actually, It's funny.

Larry:she's a female, all right.

Larry:Air force major general Harold campbell described president clinton as gay-loving, pot-smoking, and womanizing. Clinton retaliated by saying, 'Well, at least I'm fun to be with.'

Larry:Pepsi is attempting to control the damage caused by recent tampering by switching to a brand-new slogan, which is 'diet pepsi-- even with a syringe, it's just one calorie.'

Larry · Artie:She wasn't wearing underwear, was she? Ha ha! That shook you up, didn't it? You were very funny. Damn right, it shook me up. I stunk the rest of the show.

Larry:I did 12 jokes. I laughed at all 12. Well, that means she didn't laugh 9 times.

Larry:A once-talented nobody who obviously wants something from someone.

Artie · Larry:You want me to kick his parasitic ass into the street? What is your problem? Sorry. That's right. I forgot. You used to be a bouncer.

Larry:Jeez, not a day goes by we don't think, 'Hey-- what-- where's Stan?'

Stan · Larry:Turn around, let me see the ass. No. No. Let me see the-- come on, let me see the ass.

Stan · Larry:It's a check for $127 that I owe you. For what? 1978, baltimore Holiday inn. You were sleeping. I took $127 out of your pocket.

Larry · Stan · Artie:What did you need the money for? I don't know. Coke, hookers--something. At least it didn't go to waste.

Larry · Stan:Hey, listen, I just feel bad for that maid I had fired. That's right, it was coke. I was balling that maid-- And oh, don't worry about her, man. She had the time of her life.

Larry:No wonder our room was never cleaned on time.

Hank · Larry:Hey, now. Well, now, that sounded like you had Tourette's syndrome. You're right, it was a little too forced, huh?

Hank · Larry:Hey, the old partner meets the new partner. The ex-partner.

Larry:I'd probably temp.

Larry:I'm tired of holding this whole conversation. Would you please say something?

Larry:I just feel so fucking guilty.

Larry · Stan:We only use two rooms. They're not all ours. I noticed. It's like the shining. I think I saw scatman crothers in your kitchen burning toast.

Artie · Larry:It's your show, it's my office! No. It's your show, It's my office!

Larry:The water here in los angeles is so bad, the lead content is so high, that it was announced today a baby was born in los angeles hospital who weighed 7,000 pounds.

Stan · Larry · Artie:Who do I blow around here to get my jokes on? [Both] Me.

Artie · Larry:Drinking during the monologue at my fucking monitor. You're kidding. Are you positive? I could smell it in his coffee-- some kind of cheap, domestic plain-wrapped vodka.

Larry:There's nothing I like better after a big meal than spinning around till I puke.

Artie · Larry:Maybe if you'd told him that back then, they maybe today Stan would be Hank. That's horrible thing to say. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Larry · Artie:Like who? Gallagher. We haven't had gallagher on, but there's a perfect example.

Stan · Larry:I've gone onstage like this 100 times. Yeah, I remember. I remember you tripping over the mike stand, insulting people in the audience, and just generally sucking.

Stan · Larry:I've gone onstage like this 100 times. You remember. Yeah, I remember. I remember you tripping over the mike stand, insulting people in the audience, and just generally sucking.

Larry:Because you're fucking drunk, stan. The same way you were 15 years ago. That's why I left.

Larry · Artie:Is he, uh... No, he even bungled that. He missed.

Artie · Larry:They found him in his car. What do you mean, they found him? He was shot.

Artie · Larry:He shot off the top of his left ear. My god, my god, my god. Stan killed himself. He didn't kill himself. He just fucked up his left ear.

Artie · Larry · Hank:And he had a shotgun. He put a shotgun in his mouth and he pulled the trigger. Why would anybody do anything like that? Bullshit! It was his ear.

Beverly · Larry · Artie:Don't you have to be working longer than three days to qualify for the health plan? I don't know. Artie! No health plan! [Door slams]

Larry:Yeah. We've All seen her.

Larry:Hey is all you need.

Unknown crew member · Larry:You have A little hair there Coming down.

Larry:Jesus, did you see how Hank Was all over hefner? He did everything But hump his leg.

Larry · Artie:This is A mediterranean ficus. It's a very classy plant. Look perfect By your fireplace. Think so? Yes. No.

Francine · Larry:Well, you asking me To move in with you? [Laughs] Yes, in my own 'I can't believe I did it That way myself' way. Yes, I am. I guess.

Larry · Francine:That's a head Carved out of rock. This looks like The junior suite In the four seasons. Thank you. Jeannie and I met there.

Larry:Larry's stunned silence and laugh after seeing the photos

Larry:You're gonna be disappointed. You'll see.

Unknown singer · Larry:♪ Happy birthday, Mr. President ♪ Mr. President? Should I say 'Larry'?

Unknown singer · Larry:Has anyone else done this idea yet? Only jojo in the commissary.

Larry:[Kiss noises] Easy.

Larry · Hank:You sounded almost sincere. Well, you can't fake feelings like that.

Larry:Ok, so I'm a little slow, all right? But what I'm saying is, have you made the video yet?

Sugar Ray Leonard · Larry:Don't get me angry. [Applause, laughter]

Larry:This conversation is not unlike what it must be to fight you, 'cause you feel like... You're surprising me, and I'm not that-- I'm doing the best I can.

Party guests · Beverly · Larry:Surprise! Beverly, didn't I ask you-- I know. But I surprised you, didn't I?

Darlene · Larry:Because I know that you love-- gadgets. Math. I love math. And gadgets. Math and gadgets.

Larry:Oh, I feel like Levar Burton in Roots: The Next Generation.

Hank · Larry:Yeah, Artie and I both pitched in on the cognac. No, uh-- So you both pitched in?

Hank · Larry:Uh, yeah, Larry, I hope I made it clear that the cognac is from both Arthur and myself. So you both pitched in? No, uh--

Jerry · Larry:That's my gift to Larry. Hey, thanks. Could you blow out the candles? The cake is heavy.

Larry:This is the best party I've ever had.

Larry:Julia Roberts collapsed on set, but it turns out it had just finally dawned on her that she had married Lyle Lovett, which would cause anyone just to pass out

Larry:The defense department canceled the Star Wars program, which is a shame because it was the most consistent work Mark Hamill ever had

Larry:The prop master is flipping me off. That's for machine-gun fire.

Larry · Jake:Where'd you learn to do that, jake? / Juilliard. / Money well spent, jake.

Larry:Can you imagine waking up to that? Actually, I was wondering if the alarm clock was free later tonight.

Artie · Larry:Oh, fucking moron-- Leaving us to go on tour with Amy Grant. Jesus! / Artie, he found god. / Blah, blah, blah.

Larry:Oh, fuck me. Poker at James Coburn's place! Oh, god. I forgot.

Larry:Don't forget to flush. [Chuckles] Or not. It's up to you.

Larry:I can't have dinner, I'm filled up with pudding.

Larry:God, you should have a column.

Larry:I mean, this guy cannot stop using drug references.

Larry · Hank:Commander-in-grief? / Commander-in-grief, because he's giving us so many problems.

Larry:Good. That would be great. / Together like this? Hey, great. Wouldn't that be great? Screw it.

Larry · Artie:Did any of Johnny's wives work? / Well, they were fully functional. Is that the question?

Larry · Artie:Was she, uh... upset? / What do you think?

Larry · George:When does that come out? / I don't know.

Larry · George Segal:'And has she been released?' 'No. She's still in the can.'

Larry · Artie:'But we have him on every month, Artie.' 'Hank's on every night.' 'I've been meaning to talk to you about that.'

Larry · Artie:'10:00 tomorrow!' 'That means 10:30?' 'Yeah. 10:30 sharp.'

Larry:'I'm just getting a haircut.' Larry sitting in barber chair during his own crisis meeting

Hank · Larry:'Hey, a haircut, huh?' 'No. He's just checking it.' 'That's a great haircut.' 'He's just started.'

Larry:'Do you want to just give me one second?' Larry interrupting his own urgent meeting for haircut maintenance

Larry · Artie · Staff:'I can sum up with one word-- guests.' 'Guests. Thank you, Jesus.' 'What did you think the problem was?' '[All] Guests.'

Larry · Kiki:'I know you, Kiki. How's your... How's your, uh--' 'Well. Thanks.'

Staff member · Larry:'Could you repeat that last part?' 'Which part?' 'About the people...' 'Was I unclear about--' 'Clear to me.' 'Perfectly clear.'

Hank · Larry:Could you repeat that last part? Which part? About the people... Was I unclear about-- Clear to me. Perfectly clear.

Larry · Staff:'And who is Al Nelson?' 'He's the plate spinner.' 'He was a regular on Sullivan 30 years ago.'

Phil · Artie · Larry:'This is a booking problem, right?' '[Artie] Phil, shut the fuck up.' 'I'll handle it. Phil, shut the fuck up.'

Larry · Mike · Hank:'Mike, you're new here.' 'I'll let that slide, but--' 'Hank, put your hand down.'

Larry:'All right. All right. That is not necessary.' Larry's awkward attempt to control the booing

Larry · Hank:'I apologize for our audience. Let's try and stay open.' '[Hank] Right. Stay open.'

Artie · Larry:I warned you with my eyes. I heard nothing. I saw nothing.

Larry:'The tape was not that gay.' Larry's confused damage assessment

Larry:'He's talking about butt plugs. He's talking about his father's orgasm.'

Artie · Larry:'The network says that it is our decision and they find no problem with the piece.' 'What do you mean?' 'They're hanging us out to dry.'

Artie · Larry:'I'll count to 10, and if you agree with my choice, don't say anything.' 'I agree.' 'Then don't say anything.' 'I got excited. I had the answer.'

Larry:I agree. Then don't say anything. I got excited. I had the answer.

Larry:'Your brain doesn't have any cognizance of anything.' Larry's attempt at profound criticism

Larry · George:And my, uh, whole face. It looks great. Your whole face.

Larry:'I hide them behind a desk.' Continuing the testicle joke

Larry · Artie:Turn it off. You know, Tim's great. He's got a story to tell. He's telling how we screwed him.

Larry:I have got to start Coming to rehearsal.

Larry:What the fuck do you Think that is, huh? What is this, love connection?

Larry:We wouldn't Do that. Not to your face.

Larry:Should I get A bundt cake?

Larry:Please, no pictures.

Larry:The woman's clearly Half his age. They've known Each other two weeks.

Larry:I'm on my fourth wife And, uh-- Fifth.

Larry · Artie · Beverly:Whoa. Ooh. [All chuckling]

Larry:She's too pretty. She's too young. What is Hank doing With someone so normal?

Artie · Larry:Any woman would want To marry that. Me? Ah, you're right.

Larry:Yeah. Me neither.

Larry · Francine:Your mother Said what? My lawyer. Your-- oh.

Larry · Francine:[Whispers] If Hank could only See us like this.

Larry · Hank:Danny devito? Nicholson. Oh, yeah. I can see that.

Hank · Larry:My god. How could you Possibly know that? You should know by now I can see into your soul.

Artie · Larry:May I remind you Of my old friend tiny tim? As I recall, That was a freak show. A highly rated one.

Larry:You want high ratings? Let's do who shot Hank Kingsley?

Larry · Artie:You didn't Like Jeannie? Why didn't you say-- The girl was bad news. Why didn't you Say something?

Larry:I won't fire you. Tell me what you Think of Francine.

Hank · Larry:Please, no hookers. All right.

Larry · Hank:We'll work our Way up to wild. All right. [Both] nuts.

Larry · Artie:We should book her On the show, Artie. As a regular. As anything. As a sidekick!

Larry · Everyone:I'm saving it For the wedding. Toast! Toast! Toast!

Larry:Jesus christ! You're all Starry-eyed now, And two months From now, You'll wake up At night And not know who The fuck she is.

Larry:Get a porsche The way everybody Else does. It won't cost you as much, I'm telling you... In the long run.

Larry:So do i.

Larry:That would be the lollipop guild Because he's not that tall.

Larry:It's semi-formal, so you people At home have time to change.

Larry · Phil:We don't need one. There are 10 million People watching. But can you Trust them?

Francine · Larry:If you like This wedding, Maybe we can have ours On the show. What? I'm... Joking.

Larry:Remember when That awful hurricane Happened there, And don johnson And melanie griffith Got trapped?

Larry:I can't believe I read those vows. My career is over.

Larry:Don't make that sound. I've asked you nicely.

Larry:I'm not reading-- I'm not reading these again. Go. I'm not-- I only knew like.

Hank · Larry:Are you In your thoughts? No. I'm just Going over The cue cards.

Larry · Sid:No, if you had a bug, I'd say, 'go like this.' Some hair's Sticking up. Oh, o.K. Nothing major.

Larry:I've never even seen hearts afire. Now, I'm involved in some Conversation about retooling-- Make a note.

Larry · Hank:I thought It was ritter. Uh, no, john ritter Will be batting clean-up. By then the bases Will be loaded.

Larry · Artie:He shut his hand In the door? Yes. How did that happen? He put a hand up on a hinge And closed the door. Well, no, it sounded like It was this door right here. It was his thumb In the door.

Larry:It's been years Since he's seen A movie Without The words 'busty' Or 'stewardess' In the title.

Larry:I think I speak for everyone When I say I can't believe We get paid To do this.

Artie · Larry:I've never understood Why you read this shit. Because it's an article About the show. Well, I'm sure it's Excellent publicity.

Larry:This guy says ritter And gene siskel fought. A dog bit phil. You and phil Were wrestling. It says you And elizabeth ashley Were doing God-knows-what In the wardrobe Room.

Burt Reynolds · Larry:No, actually I don't Live in the big house. I... I live back there in The guesthouse, you see. 'Cause I can't Afford the big house Because of the-- Yeah, is it that thing You're going through? Divorce.

Jerry Seinfeld · Larry:Hey, is this How things usually Work around here? Yeah.

Jerry Seinfeld · Larry:I wrote this, Uh, script For your show. Would this be a bad time To give it to you? Yeah! Yeah.

Larry:If this fucking booth Starts to rotate, I swear to god...

Larry:I'm gonna shove it Up Hank's ass If he ever gets here, The son of a bitch.

Jerry Seinfeld · Larry:He's just weird. That's exactly What ours does.

Larry · Hank:Yeah. It's 9:30 a.M. We looked for you All night, Hank. No!

Larry:The buyer came in During the evening And, uh, found only $20 in the register And passed.

Larry:Her husband maury Has more credibility As far as I'm concerned.

Larry:Later i'll pass out Some transcripts So we can all Try to figure out What Hank meant At our leisure.

Larry:I see what's wrong. You're drunk.

Larry:You didn't see us. You saw nothing. You heard nothing. It's not what It looks like.

Artie · Larry:You ever see A scorsese film? Yeah. You know, Like goodfellas? Yeah.

Larry · Artie:What if we shoot In new jersey? Even worse. They live there.

Larry:The door that's marked 'can.'

Larry:I have nightmares Of someone like you Coming through My window.

Larry:this is the final Larry Sanders show That you've watched tonight

Larry:* Da da, da-da, da da * And now, because He made a big mistake... Larry Sanders.

Larry:You hear that? That's my whippoorwill, Artie.

Larry:Still. Every day.

Larry:Get off the porch, asshole.

Larry:That's pathetic. We should save that one for when I really have a drug problem, don't you think?

Larry:I love these fuckers.

Larry:Man, I can't believe Leno actually hid in the closet so he could hear the whole network meeting. That's a sickness, to be so obsessed with what people are saying about you.

Larry:I know. That is a sickness. What did people say about me not being mentioned much in the book?

Larry · Artie:'Say now'? Say now. Well, he can't say 'hey, now.' That's the intellectual property of the Larry Sanders show.

Larry:A free scratcher ticket?

Larry:I know, but I'm trying to keep this very low profile, darlene.

Beverly · Larry:But you never fired me. I didn't? No. Your business manager gives me a paycheck every week.

Larry · Phil:So what have you been up to the last 3 months, Phil? Oh, jerking off. See you Monday.

Arthur · Larry:I need to hear you promise me that. (Larry says nothing)

Larry:What'd he mean by astonishing weight gain?

Larry:I had a... ahem... an addiction to painkillers.

Larry:Yeah, she got that because that's how they're wearing it in prison.

Larry:I actually saw a hooker dressed in a barney outfit. It was unbelievable. Now when barney sings, 'you love me, I love you,' it costs you 250 bucks.

Larry:That's shelley long.

Larry:Well, thanks for lying through your teeth. I appreciate it.

Larry · Artie:His name guy? No. He's just a guy.

Larry · Artie:I did not sleep with that woman from montana. No? No. Just checking.

Larry · Hank:Oh, that would explain the lobster. How's that? Maine. Lobster. I got it. You're working on a bit. I'll play along. Maine lobsters...

Larry:Well, that usually happens on Tuesday mornings, doesn't it? That's why it threw you.

Hank · Larry:I once had a woman, and, uh... do we have time for this? I don't think we need to get into the details of this. She followed me across 7 states.

Larry · Mimi:No, well, you don't become nude. He didn't take his clothes off. You become nude. I've heard that about you. No, I don't become... no. What you're thinking is that I'm very becoming nude.

Larry · Mimi:Would you like a piece of gum? Oh, just half. Do you wanna go out sometime?

Mimi · Larry:You don't waste any time. Well, they're only on for 3½ minutes, so I thought I'd get right to it.

Larry · Mary Beth:This is not my cousin. I'm Mary Beth nagler from montana. I'm having Larry's baby.

Larry:Gimme the button.

Larry · Hank:Wonderful, Hank. Are you insane? Yes, I think I'm insane.

Larry:What, you can't get pregnant from saying hello unless you say it to warren beatty.

Larry:Normally, you can only see to whitney houston's house, but it must be very clear tonight.

Larry:If that's Kevin costner, make sure that we pretend we were just looking at the moon, OK?

Larry:So did I, by the way.

Lloyd · Larry:She says, 'one large birthmark with 2 smaller ones above it at the base of the penis forming a mickey mouse head.' That is not my penis.

Larry:No, she was one of the top people in the space program. Yeah, she was a waitress, Artie.

Larry:She gave me a handjob in the parking lot at Denny's.

Larry · Lloyd · Artie:I didn't say anything about Denny's. I think you did. No, I didn't, did I? Yeah, yeah. I heard Denny's.

Larry:why don't I, uh... just come by, and we'll sit in the car, you know, and, uh... talk.

Larry:you are an exceptionally hot crowd for the middle of the week.

Larry:America's favorite couple, Tom and roseanne, have split up, but to prove that his career is not in trouble, Tom was recently seen dating tim allen.

Larry:76% of college seniors are sexually active, but only 50% of college freshmen are. So I have one message to all of you young people out there... stay in school.

Larry:You see the athletes preach that. You see the politician preach that. But only I, Larry Sanders, can say, 'stay in school. You may yet get laid.'

Larry · Hank:Add to tonight's show a rudder and a sail, and it would have won America's cup. What is wrong with you? I thought it was more like the indy 500.

Larry · Beverly:Call Jason Alexander, and ask him if the... would you hold for a moment? Would you ask him if the laker tickets he has are floor seats? And don't let him know that I'm asking about it.

Beverly · Larry:He said it would help if you knew the name of the song or the artist. I just can't get it. I heard it on the radio. Well, sing it. It's a woman... ♪ dum dum dum ♪ ♪ nuum nuuum ♪ you sing it to him.

Larry · Artie:Someone is stealing money from my atm account. You got a doctor's prescription mixed up in here. What is this? 'Rectumin.' That sounds familiar. What's that for? For what it sounds like. That is for nasal congestion.

Artie · Larry:Who has access to your atm account? My business manager. And his assistant. My agent. Gardener and housekeeper. So... technically, your account is a big slush fund for the entire pacific rim.

Beverly · Larry:Jason Alexander's seats are in the loge. The loge? Yes. In the loge. In the loge? The loge.

Larry:Call him and tell him that... that you're busy tomorrow night but thank you anyway.

Larry · Beverly:These are too pastel-ish. Well, you're the one who said peach. No, I said, uh, plum. Tch. No, you didn't say plum. I said plum. I heard... OK. Well, maybe you said plum, but you said peach.

Larry · Beverly:Tennis elbow. This is my tennis elbow ointment, right? Yes. Good. I wasn't gonna ask.

Beverly · Larry:Oh, yeah, your father called. What does he want this time? I don't know. Well, would you handle it for me? Larry, sooner or later you're gonna have to talk to the man. No, I don't. I'm getting relief already.

Hank · Larry:You realize this is only the second time that you've paid us the honor of a visit. That doesn't seem possible. Is that right? It is, isn't it? Yeah. And I have the photo to prove it... july 12, 1991. I remember.

Larry · Hank:You're having money problems, huh? No. Just some of the numbers don't add up right. I don't need the details. Gimme the figure. 50,000. Damn it.

Hank · Larry:You know... I'd like to do this, but I'm having... it's a little hard for me to swing right now. I'll tell you why. I'm having some plumbing problems down in the, uh... the look around cafe... and, um... just kidding. I don't need any money.

Larry:He could have been calling you Elaine. That's what he called tim allen last week.

Jason Alexander · Larry · Beverly:We had these crappy loge seats, and ovitz calls me, and he's giving us front row seats right next to nicholson. Di-did you say Wednesday? Really? No, no, it's Thursday. Oh. You know what? You're free on Thursday. Good. Oh. I'm in.

Artie · Larry:What do you want me to do, take him to dinner, get him hammered, couple of hookers? No, no. That would be overkill. Just be yourself.

Larry's Father · Larry:I guess beverly didn't know I prefer the window. Yeah, well, that'll knock it out of you, dad.

Larry · Phil:When you got money from me the other day, you didn't give anybody my atm password, did you? No, but you gotta admit that l-a-r-r-y is pretty easy to guess.

Larry:I hate to agree with Hank, but I guess it's so. No matter what you do for my dad, I swear to God, there's never a thank you, like that would kill him.

Beverly · Larry:All I know is it's the most frustrating thing in the world trying to please someone who doesn't appreciate anything you do. That is exactly right.

Beverly · Larry:I know. I took it. You took it. Yes, I took it. If you wanted to know why, why didn't you ask me, and I would have told you.

Beverly · Larry:And I charge you for picking up your frozen yogurt at 7 every morning so that you can have the first batch out of the machine. Every morning?

Beverly · Larry:I am tired of begging your father to come see the show so that you can feel good about yourself. Did you ask my dad to come and see the show?

Larry:disgruntled postal workers say they need the extra revenue because of the rising cost of ammunition.

Larry:This was returned by sinead o'Connor, sent back, uh... pasta sent back because there was a hair in it. Sinead o'Connor. There was a hair in it.

Larry:everything I got comedy-wise I owe to you. You're a terrific man, and I love you very much.

Larry:and just say to my... assistant beverly, who I know is watching... I hope is watching... is probably not watching... but thank you, beverly, for everything you've done. I appreciate it, and thank you very much.

Larry:This is a plate licked clean by roseanne.

Artie · Larry:He loved it. But he left. You're kidding. He had to catch an early plane to pittsburgh. He sends his love. Left right after the marilu henner segment.

Larry:I wanted blueberry, and, uh, there's no pecans... but thanks.

Larry:They got the stain completely out. I can't believe it. Well, we'll use them as our regular dry cleaner from now on.

Paula · Larry:His agent said he wouldn't be feeling well tonight. Yeah, I've had that.

Larry:I really appreciate the effort that you put into your job each day.

Larry · Phil:I don't think she's got the right personality. I think she's too... abrasive? No, it's, uh... brusque? No. Incapable of putting a performer at ease because she's has a basic contempt for the business.

Larry · Paula:But it's in the shape of a hat? No, really, Larry, it's kind of embarrassing, because even the arsenio people gave out bathrobes with his big ol' triangle-shaped head on the back.

Larry:Well, evidently, we already give a bag.

Phil · Larry:Milk chocolate necktie. He does. Well, those are probably meant to be eaten, not worn.

Larry:Although, you know, I'd feel a little awkward knowing that strangers were putting their lips on my head.

Larry · Artie:He's putting my photo on the inner thigh. Oh, God damn it. Maybe you're right. Maybe it should be the outer thigh.

Larry:I don't want to talk to the fucking potato lady.

Artie · Larry:Iook at this. The name of the horse... Larry's valentine. Jockey... Hank Espinoza. The trainer's name is Bill. Bill, just like the guy who writes for us. Phil. No, it's Bill. See...

Larry · Paula:Where is he? He's in make-up. One more segment with the potato lady, and then Danny... I'm not doing a dumb segment with the potato lady.

Larry · Potato Lady:I got to tell you the truth. I'm torn but, uh... madison is who it looks like to me. I would take another guess if I were you.

Phil · Larry:Oh, hell, yes. We could put your cock on it. As long as it's not the hour hand.

Paula · Larry:Bob uecker, Shari Lewis, and the seashell man. And sting. Oh, have we got sting? You betcha. Great.

Larry:I pay a cabana boy to wheel me down to the beach every day on a stretcher like a coma patient.

Larry:It just seems like that's the kind of thing they'd ask me to do, that's all.

Larry · Artie:Should I go talk to him? / I wouldn't talk to him at all. / Then you go talk to him.

Larry:Oh, well, then she's perfect.

Larry · Unknown:Maybe he'll do pump it up. That's my favorite song. / I think he'd rather do something off the new album.

Larry:So I thought I'd heard that song somewhere before. I had to bring it up.

Larry:How many things can he have up his ass at once?

Larry:You folks came on a very rare night where you get to see me fuck up 3 jokes in a row. Don't take it for granted.

Larry:What a shit crowd. What a shit, shit crowd.

Larry:What are they doing, bringing these busloads in from the english-as-a-second-language program?

Larry:I'm only smiling because the audience is looking at me, and I'm a professional.

Larry:Thank God. I thought it was something that might have to do with the show we're taping now.

Larry:Andalé, felipe. Vamanos.

Larry:News travels fast, doesn't it?

Larry · Artie:That makes no sense. / Of course it does. Sweetheart, it's the network.

Larry:One person is a host. 2 or more are cohosts.

Larry:Yeah, they are a bunch of dickheads, aren't they?

Larry:Chicken is funny in the context of a smell that goes on your face.

Larry:You should call the conan o'brien people, see if they need a producer for the farewell special.

Larry:No wonder you been married so many times.

Larry:This reminds me of the time angela lansbury was on.

Larry:I just pulled something. I just... right here.

Artie · Larry · Beverly:Actually, we're off the list--Hank. [Retching] Larry? Artie, it's Beverly. Larry's vomiting again. Can we get back to you?

Beverly · Larry · Artie:He just got his first big laugh. Good for Hank. You don't understand. This is gonna go right to his head.

Larry · Artie:I'm sure Hank got on the phone with him. That crazy son of a bitch. I don't think Richard's that crazy. I think that's just an act. I meant Hank.

Larry:Hey, Artie? What's happenin'?

Larry:The charges were immediately denied by denny's grand Imperial wizard.

Larry:Ex-wife lorena has offered to do the circumcision.

Larry:Barker denies the charges, saying he's been spayed and neutered since '89.

Larry:Yeah. Well, you know, I'd do anything to win the sack race.

Larry:How long before I come back around?

Larry:You feel like you're sitting in the gift shop of the u.N.

Larry:I believe it's so she can use the diamond lane.

Artie · Larry:Make it an even 2,000. I've never been so turned on in my life. Oh, me neither. This is the easiest 2,500 I've ever made.

Larry · Artie:It ain't dipped in gold. Like I'm supposed to know what that means.

Larry:I believe that cultural differences would happen with you and any woman.

Larry:With the olsen twins?

Larry:No, I said 'cuter.'

Larry:Next? Ahem!

Larry:She's not a thinker. The blond hair? Big breasts?

Larry:Load it.

Larry:And it was 3 evenings.

Larry:I want my money back.

Larry:Celebrity caning victim Michael fay... what... what are you giggling at? Every time a guy gets smacked in the ass you laugh?

Larry:Something we all have what left over from when we got beaten as a child, I believe.

Larry:I can assure you that is a long flight, especially, uh, when you have to stand the whole way.

Larry:That's... and frankly, I thought that was just common courtesy to shake hands with someone who's seen your butt.

Larry:You know. Whi... which reminds me. Nice to see you. Woo!

Larry:Well, another misguided, uh, Gray whale has turned up in Santa Monica bay, uh, recently. It was chased all the way through the L.A. River and right, uh, ultimately into o.j. Simpson's driveway.

Larry:Please send all resumes to my producer Artie, and no sense of humor is required.

Larry · Artie:Listen, I'm also having a problem with kelly the prop girl. I'd like to replace her. Oh, sure. What the hell.

Larry · Unknown:Set his furniture on fire? Oh, no, don't set that on fire.

Larry:if I wanted to see furniture destroyed or our set ablaze, I'd go over to Jimmy Caan's place

Larry:I get the spring right up my ass

Larry:My ass is my fortune

Larry · Paula:not enough oxygen to the brain as a fetus, that's my first guess. / That would be mine.

Larry · Paula:What happened? / He married her.

Hank · Larry:Well, I'd like to know what we're talking about before I do that. / Don't worry about it. Take a chair. Just a man-to-man chat.

Larry:People always have told me everything all my life. I can't help that.

Larry:If I was pussy-whipped, you'd be talking to me the way I'm talking to you now.

Larry:She looks at you like she's got X-ray vision. Gives me the creeps.

Larry:I can't allow her to lift her skirt for every other show that comes along!

Paula · Larry:Your fly's open. / Thank you. / Don't mention it. Part of my job. / Looking at my crotch? / I consider it a perk.

Paula · Larry:Your fly's open. / Thank you. / Don't mention it. Part of my job. / Looking at my crotch? / I consider it a perk.

Larry:Well, good luck getting that plane. You know, there are not many that go to New York.

Artie · Larry:I raised it from a mere nut. / Oh, yeah? Those come from nuts, huh? / From a... a small nut. / Unlike your date palms. They come from dates.

Larry · Hank:This is fine. / What do you mean it's fine? You mean I can stay? / Yeah. Stay? Really? / Yeah. See you tomorrow? / See you tomorrow.

Artie · Larry:I called the fucker in your office here. And I told him he was pussy-whipped and he better get... / OK, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it. I handled it. I don't really need to know.

Artie · Larry:I called the fucker in your office here. And I told him he was pussy-whipped and he better get... / OK, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it. I handled it. I don't really need to know.

Larry:But I'd tell Kathie Lee to stay about 10 feet back, OK? That's a little tip.

Hank · Larry:Well, you just ask Paula to book him 2 more times. What would that do? Well, nothing, but by then you'd have flowers and a miata.

Larry:I'm just... I'm nutty about irises.

Larry:Nine innings of me listening to Hank whine about his marriage bullshit.

Larry:Took you a long time to figure out what I was getting at didn't it. You had a big lunch today?

Larry:Game them! He took them. He's the fucking boss. My hands were tied.

Hank · Larry:Oh, it's not about the game. I just wanted to have some special time... ohh, what's the matter, sugar, huh?

Larry:Oh, you're telling me. I've been married 5 times. They were all the fucking birds.

Jon · Larry:Because you got me. Tsk! We have a lot of great guests.

Larry:Uh, no, no. Bruno. It's a union thing.

Jon · Larry:There's this girl in your office I got a crush on. Darlene. Yeah. Well, how did... did she tell you? It's always darlene.

Larry · Jon:That would be called sexual harassment. Oh, come on! 'blow me.' That's sexual harassment.

Larry:Does my ass look fat in these pants?

Larry:Thank God you weren't in here a few minutes ago when I was painting my balls.

Larry:God, my ass looks fat in these pants.

Larry:Well, unless Mr. Sagan comes out and shits a string of pearls, we have no show.

Larry:she's got an eating disorder. Yeah, serious. He was gonna find out eventually.

Larry · Hank:Not like this. Emma samms. We agreed we weren't gonna discuss that. You turned on her alarm system.

Larry:Guys, guys, and nothing but guys. That's our darlene in a nutshell.

Larry:Can you imagine darlene with another woman?

Larry:No, I'm just starting to realize I have about 6 months to live.

Larry:I dragged joel grey about 20 yards before I realized he'd fallen down... talented man. Father of actress Jennifer grey.

Larry:This is about my personal beliefs, not money.

Larry · Beverly:What, are they kidding? No, that's what it says. Cheapskates. All right, call them. Tell them maybe if they send a helicopter. Otherwise, no dice.

Larry:Yes! Firm date, get it! Puerto Rico!

Larry · Artie:I should take a look at his thumb. Did they do a nice job? Fan-fucking-tastic.

Larry:No, I mean about the cake.

Paula · Larry:Good! And your hair's the same color as last week. That's good. Thank you.

Larry:You'll be able to tell there's no head on the horse.

Larry:driving your new cat down the Santa Monica freeway.

Larry:My balls are killing me.

Larry:Who are you, big Chief lenscrafters?

Larry:Too much. It looks like one of those stage productions of cats.

Hank · Larry:That says 'applesauce.' No, it says 'applause.'

Larry:Boy, finally some good news for Michael Jackson.

Larry:How cinematic! I can almost see him falling.

Larry · Artie:And people wonder why I'm a cynical asshole. No, they don't.

Larry · Belzer:Did you know that spinal tap was mostly improvised? Did you know that? Really? And what do you think I'm doing now? I'm making this up.

Larry:I think that every time I watch that America's funniest people. That just about breaks your spirit.

Larry:I'll rub his face in it, Artie. You know that? I'll look like the bigger man, make him feel like shit.

Larry · Artie:A few good men... want a good courtroom movie? Caine mutiny. Yeah, bogey with the steel balls.

Larry:I am uncomfortable discussing size in the bathroom, you know what I mean?

Larry:I don't think that I told him I was there to rub his face in it and make him feel like shit, so I don't feel completely, totally truthful.

Larry · Beverly:Rob? Mr. Reiner won't be joining us this evening. He just canceled.

Pauly Shore · Larry:When will you book me again? When another big, huge guest cancels? Maybe within the month.

Larry · Hank · Beverly:They offered you 10 grand? Yeah. Beverly.

Larry:I just bought that line from Wayne Newton. I got that, and I got 'Screw the casino, we're going all night.' And I got, 'ok.'

Hank · Larry:Haiti? Uh, where's that? / Well...That is right next to the Dominican Republic. / Oh, right, right. I knew that. That's a great shop, you know.

Hank · Larry:I bought a safari jacket there once. / I believe you're thinking of the Banana Republic. / Oh! Yeah. That's right.

Larry:You know, if Hank was Secretary of Defense, we'd be invading the Beverly Center right now.

Hank · Larry:You didn't think Margaret and I would last a year, did you? Be honest. / Not true. Not true. / I remember what you said. 'Hank, it won't last a year.' / Well, that sounds like me.

Larry · Margaret:I do not know how much more of this I can take. / Well, we can talk about current events or sports or-- / No, no, no, I mean Hank.

Larry · Phil:Please, let's not show the chimp attacking my balls again. I mean, come on. / But people love that. / No. You're projecting.

Larry · Phil:The parrot, uh, attacking my balls? / Yes. Pass.

Larry:You never know what might happen, but it'll probably involve my nuts.

Hank · Larry · Artie:My marriage is one big joke to you, isn't it? / That is not the case. / Come here, Hank. Come on, sweetheart. Listen, I know you're going through a tough time now, you know? Believe me, I've been there. / Well, I'm not there. I don't know where there is.

Hank · Larry · Margaret:What--what's a 2-minute warning? / A 2-minute warning is when either party just separates for 2 minutes before either one says or does something that they're just gonna regret later, ok? 2 minutes. / Hmm, and which one of your bimbo ex-girlfriends taught you that?

Hank · Larry:Are you fucking my wife? / What? / Just answer the question. You--you're fucking Margaret, aren't you? / No, I'm fucking Larry.

Hank · Larry:See, at first I just chalked it up to female problems. / Mm-hmm. She having trouble with her-- The, uh-- / Oh, no. No, not that. I mean, on the other hand, how would I know? I haven't been down there in months. She could have grown a dick over the summer. I wouldn't have a clue.

Hank · Larry:Yes, yes, we're in show business, but I know in my heart of hearts you would never fuck my wife. / Not without your go-ahead. / Exactly.

Larry · Hank:Well, uh, how about your wife? / Oh, well, you know, we had a good year, but that's over.

Larry · Artie:Hank seems in good spirits. / Who's he dancing with? / Himself. / Oh.

Larry:This will come as very good news to my grandmother who needs a spotter to pick up a spoon.

Larry:listen, when you live in the bay area, it's not easy to say 'bay area man.'

Larry:The intoxicated man later tried to convince police he was one of those new, crazy, flesh-eating viruses.

Larry:When asked to comment on this, a white house aide said, 'please go away. If she finds out I talked to you, she'll hurt me.'

Larry:'you know, you're too old, you can't see, and you're a woman,' which, by coincidence, is exactly the same excuse Bill Clinton used to get out.

Larry:It's about a father and his 5 wacky kids. It's about a father and 4 kids. It doesn't even add up to 6, and yet it's called... the 6 of us. They're too cheap to hire the sixth guy.

Larry:They said, 'well, that's... hopefully, people watch every week to wonder who the other one is.'

Larry:I believe that's the same message on, uh, Michael Jackson's answering machine.

Larry:Not always easy for the network to find the chair.

Larry:Oh, so you write as well?

Larry:If only the arabs and israelis would give cup-a-soup.

Larry:I heard he's found the lord.

Larry:Is this the ham talking?

Larry:The little guy with the palsy, right?

Larry:Before we get any further into tonight's show, I would like to say that... we've been doing some joking about the network the last couple of weeks, and that is my responsibility. I take full responsibility for it, and if I so overstepped my boundaries and insulted the network in any way, I apologize, and I would like to be a member of the network family again...

Larry · Sarah Jessica Parker:Do I call you Sarah or Sarah Jessica Parker? Or Sarah Jessica? Whatever you'd like. Really. Well, I'll call you Sal.

Larry:Hank's not doing the show? How will we survive? Will there be a tomorrow? God in heaven, save us!

Larry:Darlene, he's hit bottom and broke through to another bottom I know nothing about.

Larry:No one cares because I'm the boss. The boss has no problems. Sometimes, I swear to God, I feel like I should just end it all.

Larry:Gosh, this brings back memories.

Larry:That's something my ex-wife used to tell me.

Larry · Beverly:Artie go out to lunch? He never goes out to lunch.

Larry:What are you doing? Now we don't have a lookout. Now, if he comes in, he's gonna see... his calendar.

Hank · Larry:Where is Artie?! Would you keep it down? You have to speak up, Larry! I can't hear ya!

Larry:First, she steals Snyder. Now she's trying to steal Artie. Fuckers!

Darlene · Larry:Darlene volunteering to sing with Clint Black

Artie · Larry:We split it. / Yeah, well, good. Fascinating. / So we're screwing each other silly. Is that what you want to know about?

Larry:You cbs whore.

Larry:Well, no, not if you're riding fence.

Larry:You must be one hell of a lay.

Larry · Artie:You didn't just say tough titty, did you? / Tough titty!

Artie · Larry:Tough titty! / You didn't just say tough titty, did you? / Tough titty!

Larry:My ass is fine. My ass is great. I never felt better about my ass.

Larry · Wardrobe:Here's your fucking suit. / Where are the pants? / They're letting them out in the butt.

Larry:You mean the crotch?

Larry:You're the happiest we've ever had on the show.

Larry · Artie:I think you're my Lisa, and I think I'm yours. / Oh, jeez! What the fuck!

Larry · Doctor:Larry manipulating a doctor into prescribing more pills by escalating his 'pain'

Larry:That's funny. You should have your own talk show.

Beverly · Larry:You're up to 3 of those now? That is the recommended dosage. Yeah, for a 1,500-pound man.

Larry:Oh, well, I've never been so insulted in my life.

Larry:They already filled it up 5 times, so obviously they're lying

Larry:Clinton's right. The health care system in this country is just all fucked.

Larry:Alex Trebek? Alex Trebek. No. I'm just saying...

Larry:Maybe it's mama bear.

Larry:Talentless fat fuck.

Larry:I'm going to do the show in my car where the seats are adjusted properly.

Larry:Who do you think I am, huh? Patty Hearst?

Artie · Larry:No. I have absolutely no idea. I see. So your show's still in the top 10, huh? Well, yeah. Until they run that Frasier guy against us.

Larry:You don't think Frasier's that good, do you?

Larry:You forced me to talk to my agent without a pill. Are you aware of that?

Larry · Roseanne:It's a fucking tic-tac. Oh... but that's progress.

Larry:I didn't have a drug problem. I was lying because I was covering a nervous breakdown. Number 2, it was on television, so it doesn't mean shit.

Larry:They go through my garbage.

Larry:Yeah, but prescription nonetheless. I think... they're ones that anybody could get or probably did. Anybody takes... addicts.

Larry · Paula:Pay up, everybody. So, Paula, you, uh... Paula, how much did you win? $200. So you bet that I had a drug problem. Yes, sir. Well, consider that a Christmas bonus.

Larry:I believe that's 190 more than you received last year.

Writer · Larry:It hurt me when you rejected my gay evangelist sketch. Oh, come on. That sketch was over the top. There was a character named Jerry Fagwell in it.

Hank · Larry:Oh. You were just so doped out on drugs, you just... you didn't know what you were saying. Hank, that's water under the bridge. I remember, though, exactly what I was saying.

Roseanne · Larry:Well, are you sure that you're not just saying that because you want the time slot after my show? I don't think so. I don't really want your time slot.

Larry · Roseanne:I want you. Oh, jeez. Say that again. I want you. No. The thing about the time slot.

Larry:This is just what we needed. A sense of direction. Here we go. Hank.

Larry:Oh, stop. I smell sulfur.

Larry:They're fish, they're not people. Fish. The fight ends in fish.

Ivanka · Larry:The lingerie catalog really fucked me... The lingerie catalog fucked you?

Larry:Oh, fuck.

Beverly · Larry:Harrison ford, Steve Martin, Michelle pfeiffer. Who else?

Fan · Larry:Are you Larry Sanders? No.

Larry · Chevy:What brings you here? The show get cancelled? No, no. No, not yet.

Larry · Chevy:I thought it was 19 months. On the 12th. Right.

Larry:if o.j. Had really just admitted he was guilty from the get-go, he'd be out by now.

Larry:The latest DNA study now shows o.j. Didn't even gain those 2,000 yards that year.

Larry:women married to American presidents who cheat on them with fat blonde whores

Larry:I flushed them down the toilet with the rest of tonight's show.

Larry:I just said that I liked it.

Larry:I guess I would feel competitive over... in the breast feeding area. I think that I would be there, uh, you know, nudging the child out of the way.