Larry is apprehensive over a guest appearance by former girl friend Roseanne and decides to see a psychiatrist. The office follows the O.J. trial.
WAR
106.5
Wins Above Replacement
“Roseanne's Return” ranks #12 of 90 The Larry Sanders Show episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 90.8 — Elite. The episode packs 78 scored jokes at 2.9 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.3 on impact, with Larry Sanders landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Larry Sanders · Roseanne: Larry: 'Wait a minute. We watched your show.' Roseanne: 'Yeah, but my show's funny.'
Roseanne: Roseanne announces the baby isn't Larry's: 'I had the ultrasound, and it couldn't be yours, because it had a penis and a brain.'
Roseanne Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Artie · Roseanne: Roseanne's water breaks. Artie: 'Surf's up.'
Phil: Fuck you, Hank. Of course I did it. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
Larry Sanders: Larry: 'I believe I have one of those.' — responding to the penis and brain claim
Larry Sanders Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback All Jokes — 78 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Hank: hey now... oh, started on time
Hank: Hank's property values complaint about living on Rockingham
you bumped him for faith ford.
Hey, who knew he was going to get this hot?
Larry: This is just what we needed. A sense of direction. Here we go. Hank.
Artie: Well, aren't you a goddamn smart fellow because it was at planet fucking Hollywood. I mean who wants to eat buffalo wings sitting next to demi Moore's torn panties from disclosure?
Larry: Oh, stop. I smell sulfur.
Artie: She puts the supe in super model.
Ivanka: because when they kill tuna, they kill dolphins, and dolphins are people. People of the sea.
Larry: They're fish, they're not people. Fish. The fight ends in fish.
Ivanka: The lingerie catalog really fucked me...
Larry: The lingerie catalog fucked you?
Artie Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Roseanne: Larry, you asshole, I know you're there. It's roseanne. Call me if you have the balls.
Beverly: Did letterman have Tom hanks on again, or... Did Leno have the ito dancers on again?
Beverly: Harrison ford, Steve Martin, Michelle pfeiffer. Who else?
Fan: Are you Larry Sanders?
Larry: No.
Roseanne Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Larry: What brings you here?
Chevy: The show get cancelled?
Larry: No, no. No, not yet.
I thought it was 19 months.
On the 12th.
Right.
Chevy: I had a fish behind my head... everybody said, 'fish? Why fish?' I don't know. Why fish?
Hank: Hello, mayor. Hank Kingsley. Listen, a little problem. Easy fix.
Phil: You could say that, uh, you live on rockingham, just a knife's throw from o.j.'s house.
Hank: Uh, no. I don't think I could do that one. That... that... that implies o.j. Is guilty.
Chevy Chase Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Hank: Oh, I'm sure if you looked at all my underwear you'd find some blood there, too.
Hank: Yeah, well, I'm... I'm going to go out and murder someone without my shoes on. Come on, come on.
Hank: He's always been nice to me.
Larry: if o.j. Had really just admitted he was guilty from the get-go, he'd be out by now.
Larry: The latest DNA study now shows o.j. Didn't even gain those 2,000 yards that year.
women married to American presidents who cheat on them with fat blonde whores
Larry: I flushed them down the toilet with the rest of tonight's show.
Artie: Well, let's call Dr. Reisman for a last-minute booking idea.
Artie: Then he can produce the show, and you can come to my office, lie on my couch, and cry about your mammy.
Artie: Soon you'll have Larry recovering a false memory of an uncle who tried to touch his pecker.
Hank: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you got a good spot from years of hard work. Turns out all you have to do is dive into a shallow pond.
Roseanne: Tell that limp dick asshole if he wants to bump me he should have the balls to do it himself, or I'm going to come down there and beat his fat ass just the way he likes it.
I just said that I liked it.
Artie: Perhaps you could arrange a conference call between you, Dr. Reisman, and the 12 roseannes.
Hank: You little prick!
Phil: What?
Hank: You did it! You egged my car!
Phil: What are you talking about?
Phil: I am 100% not guilty.
Phil: Fuck you, Hank. Of course I did it. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
Roseanne: I can't wear this dress! I'm pregnant, you dip shit!
Larry Sanders Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Artie: This television show is where you are in total command, where no one gets the best of you, where you are the king.
Roseanne: Just then, when you didn't know whether to kiss me or not.
Roseanne: because it had a penis and a brain.
Larry: I guess I would feel competitive over... in the breast feeding area. I think that I would be there, uh, you know, nudging the child out of the way.
Larry: It will be 18 years before you see another one. That's what I would say.
Roseanne: Yeah, but my show's funny.
Roseanne: Yeah, but the only thing I remember about sex with you in the limo is that Ben was driving.
Roseanne: Yeah, but the only thing I remember about sex with you in the limo is that Ben was driving.
Artie: Damn it! Why couldn't she have done that on tonight's show? We would have had worldwide publicity.
Larry: Dr. Reisman wanted me to run away like some little girl.
Larry Sanders · Artie: Multiple phone lines light up — lines 2, 3, and 4 — all Roseanne. Larry: 'It's these multiple personalities, OK?' Artie: 'Perhaps you could arrange a conference call between you, Dr. Reisman, and the 12 Roseannes.'
Phil · Hank Kingsley: Phil confronted with egg cartons, dried egg on shoe, yolk on fingers. Phil: 'Maybe it was a drug deal gone bad that led to this horrible egging. But I have to assure you, Hank, that I am 100% not guilty.'
Hank Kingsley · Phil: You little prick. You little prick! What? You did it! You egged my car! / What are you talking about? / What am I talking... my Bentley is covered with eggs!
Phil · Hank Kingsley: Phil comes clean to Hank: 'Fuck you, Hank. Of course I did it.' — immediately after an OJ-style not-guilty declaration
Larry Sanders · Beverly: There you are. Is that Chevy? / Yeah, you told him to stop by before the show. / Yeah, yesterday I did.
Roseanne: Roseanne: 'I can't wear this dress! I'm pregnant, you dipshit!' Followed immediately by her screaming about the sauna-like temperature in her dressing room.
Roseanne: Who shut that door?! / It's like a goddamn sauna in here! / Open it. Open it. Open it.
Artie: Artie to Larry before the show: 'I smell sulfur.' — repeating his earlier line when Larry seemed to relent about Roseanne
Artie Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Roseanne · Larry Sanders: On air: Roseanne and Larry greet awkwardly. Roseanne: 'That was weird.' Larry: 'What was weird?' Roseanne: 'Just then, when you didn't know whether to kiss me or not.'
Roseanne: Roseanne announces the baby isn't Larry's: 'I had the ultrasound, and it couldn't be yours, because it had a penis and a brain.'
Roseanne Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Larry Sanders: Larry: 'I believe I have one of those.' — responding to the penis and brain claim
Larry Sanders Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Roseanne: Roseanne: 'You never wanted to actually have kids anyway, did you, Larry? Because Larry doesn't want children. He's one of those weird people who are just much too selfish to want children.'
Roseanne Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Roseanne: You never wanted to actually have kids anyway, did you, Larry? Because, you know, Larry doesn't want children. He's one of those weird people who are just much too selfish to want children.
Roseanne Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Larry Sanders: Larry's defense against not wanting children: 'I think I would feel competitive over the breast-feeding area. I think that I would be there, nudging the child out of the way.'
Larry Sanders: Larry extends the breast-feeding monologue: romantic music, a glass of wine for the breast-feeding 'as opposed to the child, who hasn't learned that technique yet.' The child 'takes it for granted... Do not take this for granted. It will be 18 years before you see another one.'
Roseanne · Larry Sanders: Roseanne: 'I think that you were mad at me because basically I dumped you.' Larry: 'No, I dumped you, I believe.' Roseanne: 'No, I believe that I dumped you, because your idea of fun is sitting home every single night watching your own show.'
Larry Sanders · Roseanne: Larry: 'Wait a minute. We watched your show.' Roseanne: 'Yeah, but my show's funny.'
Roseanne · Larry Sanders: Roseanne: 'You're just pissed because you caught me and my wonderful husband Ben doing it.' Larry: 'As I recall, we had sex a couple of times in the limo while Ben was driving.'
Larry Sanders: As I... as I recall, uh, we had, uh, sex a couple of times, uh, in the limo while Ben was driving.
Roseanne: Roseanne: 'Yeah, but the only thing I remember about sex with you in the limo is that Ben was driving.'
Roseanne Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Artie: After the interview, Artie: 'You're the funniest woman we've had on the show since Janet Reno.'
Artie Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Roseanne · Larry Sanders: Roseanne: 'I cannot believe that you tried to bump me.' Larry: 'Yeah, well, you know, I was hurt, and I tried to hurt you back, I guess.'
Artie · Roseanne: Roseanne's water breaks. Artie: 'Surf's up.'
Artie: Artie backstage after Roseanne's water breaks: 'Why couldn't she have done that on tonight's show? We would have had worldwide publicity.'
Artie Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Larry Sanders: Larry: 'Dr. Reisman wanted me to run away like some little girl.' — post-show triumphalism
Artie · Larry Sanders: Episode ends: Artie announces tomorrow's show has 'Ivanka, Blues Traveler, and Kato Kaelin.' Larry: 'No, no, no. Bump Ivanka.'
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