Hank's New Assistant

Your lips look a little cracked.

Larry:Of course. They misplaced the lip balm.

Hank:Excuse me. I hate to be a bother, but is there some religious reason you're not answering my phone?

Hank:What darlene does is not a job, you see? It's a calling, and I will wait for her return.

Artie:Hey, look out, me boy, I found me lucky poker hat.

Artie:Wayne's world money!

Artie:Just remember that all America loves you.

Larry:I think he's on crack.

Larry:You're getting very wide.

Artie:I'm shoving it up.

Artie:Chinless little cocksuckers.

Artie:Well, you... you lilt.

Hank:Fuck you.

Hank:I'm tracing this call right now! Pound sand up your ass.

Hank:From the cirque du soleil. The sad clown, right?

Brian:Remember? Everybody put on their protective goggles, and let's all play double danger. Double danger.

Brian:Well, actually, I was the personal assistant to her personal assistant.

Paula:She made him clean the hair out of her tub.

Brian:Oh, our nation's capital.

Hank:Canada.

Hank:I know!

Hank:Canada.

Artie:Don't speak to Larry unless he speaks to you.

Fat lips.

Paula:I've earned the right to leave the room.

Hank:Hard-on cream? No, I forgot it.

Hank:I could never talk this way around darlene. She'd just get all insulted.

Hank:I'll be in my office whacking off.

Brian:Okay. Uh, I'll hold all your calls.

Brian:The Chinese call it a feng shui, the placement of objects in a room to maximize your harmony and power.

Has she lost any weight?

Paula:No!

Brian:You know, the toughest people are the ones who can cry.

Hank:I'm tough.

Brian:Hey, life, take your best shot, 'cause to Mr. Hank Kingsley, life is a carousel, and the sun is a scoop of ice cream.

Hank:Are you gay?

Brian:Yeah, but that was two years ago, and I got over it.

Larry:It's Steve. Steve. God damn it!

Larry:Well, that's 'cause it's 50 cents now. It just went up a couple years ago. You wouldn't have known that.

Larry:He's gay? Well, don't tell Dana carvey, 'cause you know what? He'll do an impression of him.

Larry:A gay? What are you? Italian?

Artie:Maybe this will be your first chance to fuck your assistant.

Hank:There was not one indication on that resume that he was gay. Not... not... not one.

Artie:Barbara streisand. Aw. Aw, shit.

Hank:Yes, I asked for lanolin. I asked for lanolin. Darlene was with me for six years. She never did this.

Brian:Hank, you asked for aloe vera.

Brian:So this has nothing to do with me being gay, does it?

Hank:I wore a red ribbon to the emmys. I have been to several elton John concerts.

Larry:I mean, look at my ass. I'm touching my ass.

Dana:You said versace, and you touched yourself.

Larry:I touched myself on the leg.

Dana:Why does yourself have to mean penis?

Dana:People say I flip-flop, and I don't. But then again, I do.

Dana:Why should I be mad? I have many arrows in my comedic arsenal, Larry. Let's put the Larry Sanders arrow back in the sheath and pull out the Jimmy Stewart arrow. Bing. Bull's-eye!

Artie:I'd take that little Dana carvey and I'd dry-shave him with a flicker.

Hank:I am, but where else am I going to find a personal assistant who'll tell me when Larry is hurt?

Hank:Doug llewelyn's a faggot. Sorry.

Brian:I worked on a Cruise ship for eight years. I did nothing but play poker. I am going to kick their asses.

Larry:Well, I got a boner.

Artie:Whoa, we're all in trouble.

Larry · Sam/Steve:His chin is all puffed out, you know, and I don't think that I look like that. / I wouldn't know, Mr. Sanders. I haven't seen that show since Eddie Murphy left. / Yeah, well, I can understand that.

Larry:He walks around whining, and he's always rubbing his ass, and he goes, 'Oh, my... does my ass look fat? Does my ass look fat?' / I don't think I do that, do I?

Larry · Steve:I got to run. My truck's parked in a red zone. / All right. Okay. Well, good to talk to you, Sam. / It's Steve. Steve. / God damn it!

Artie · Hank:Hank, what are you doing? / I put a quarter in, and then nothing came out. / Well, that's 'cause it's 50 cents now. It just went up a couple years ago. / You wouldn't have known that. / Well, thank you. I wanted... coke. / Oh. That's fine. Juice is great. Thanks.

Larry:Now, see, Neil Simon, he whines. Why doesn't Dana Carvey do an impression of Neil Simon?

Dana Carvey · Artie:Oh, great, you guys playing poker? I'll come. / I'm sorry. We just gave that invitation to Barry Levinson.

Hank · Artie:He's gay! / He's gay? / Well, don't tell Dana Carvey, 'cause you know what? He'll do an impression of him.

Hank · Artie:How would you feel if Beverly was a gay? / A gay? What are you? Italian?

Artie:Maybe this will be your first chance to fuck your assistant.

Hank:There was not one indication on that resume that he was gay. Not... not... not one.

Hank · Brian (or staff):Do you know where I found this message slip? / Hank, I don't even... / In Larry's slot. / In Larry's slot. / Now I'm going to be wondering all the time, 'what else is waiting for me in Larry's slot?'

Hank · Brian:I asked for aloe vera. / Uh-huh. And, uh, what did I ask for? / Aloe vera. / Yes, I asked for lanolin. I asked for lanolin.

Hank · Brian:Darlene was with me for six years. She never did this. / Hank, you asked for aloe vera. / See, that's the attitude that I cannot take.

Brian · Hank:So this has nothing to do with me being gay, does it? / Oh, come on, mister. Come on. / So it's the aloe vera. / 'Cause I can certainly see how that would be the last straw. / You see? There it is again. There's that attitude thing again.

Hank · Brian:I am a supporter of the gay community. I wore a red ribbon to the Emmys. I have been to several Elton John concerts. / What does that mean? / Elton John... is a gay.

Larry (off-screen or background):Is my hair too big? What is it? I mean, my God, look at my hair. / Does my ass look any fatter in these pants or what? I mean, look at my ass. I'm touching my ass.

Brian:Um, I'm going to go get your fruit.

Larry:The teeth are the best part.

Artie (implied) · Staff:Well, what? Is he going to do it? / Well, last time I saw him, he was still in his Larry makeup.

Artie · Producer/Staff:I just want you to remember there was only one Elvis. Look how many people imitated him. / Elvis is also fat. He has a big, fat ass. / Oh, well wear a cape and a big belt, and nobody will notice your ass.

Larry · Dana Carvey:Well, you look great. That's a beautiful suit. / Thank you. It's Versace. Yeah, baby, you like that? / Hey, you seem to touch yourself when you say it? / What? Touched yourself. / You said Versace, and you touched yourself. / I touched myself on the leg. / Why does yourself have to mean penis? / Good night.

Dana Carvey (as Clinton):And around 1:00 on TNT, I mean, you can watch Flipper, which is a good show 'cause that's a smart fish. I swear to God. I wish I had him in my cabinet. If there's dynamite in an underwater mine, Flipper will tell you five times out of seven.

Dana Carvey (as Clinton):People say I flip-flop, and I don't. But then again, I do.

Dana Carvey (as Grumpy Old Man):The Grumpy Old Man bit: 'In my day, we didn't have safety belts to restrain you. If you hit something and stopped suddenly, you knew where you were going... straight through the windshield. Splat. You were dead, and you loved it. Whoopee. I'm a mass of bleeding bones in a highway, and I love it.'

Dana Carvey (as Grumpy Old Man):In my day, we didn't have flame-retardant sleepwear. If you went to bed smoking, you woke up engulfed in flames. Whoopidy-doo, I'm on fire, and I love it. I'm a bleeding, flaming corpse, and God, I love it so. As God as my witness, I'm in heaven as I flame up in a bleeding kind of way.

Larry · Dana Carvey:Why didn't you do the impression? / Well... I was shocked. I thought you were going to do the impression of me. / No, I could tell that bothered you. / Oh, no, no, no, I loved it.

Dana Carvey · Larry:The only problem was, you know, I was under the impression that I was supposed to do it, and it was a bit of a hassle getting the wig and the teeth. It was expensive. I'm sorry. / That's all right. You'll have the money back at the poker game tonight. / I can't make the poker game. My son's got an ear infection.

Larry · Dana Carvey:You love the poker games. You're mad, aren't you? / No, no, no, he has an ear infection. I'm not mad. / You're mad because you think I didn't let you do the impression. / No. / Let it out. You're holding your anger in. / This is weird. That's crazy. I'm not mad. / Just tell me. Get it out. / Why should I be mad? / I have many arrows in my comedic arsenal, Larry. Let's put the Larry Sanders arrow back in the sheath and pull out the Jimmy Stewart arrow. / Bing. / Bull's-eye! / There's your anger. You're an asshole.

Dana Carvey:What's really pissing me off is that your staff said come out and do Larry Sanders. He'll love it. Then I get out here. You're obviously saying, 'don't do it,' which you wouldn't tell me. Now you're saying, 'why didn't you do it?' And that does piss me off. Other than that... I love you. Okay.

Phil · Artie:I don't fucking believe Larry. What do you mean? / Well, he's so vain. He won't let Carvey do that great impression of him. / I don't blame him. If I was Larry, I'd take that little Dana Carvey and I'd dry-shave him with a flicker. / What are you talking about?

Artie:Just because Larry has his own show doesn't mean he's not a human being. How would you feel, Phil, if one of your friends wanted to make you look like a sniveling, annoying fool on national television?

Artie · Larry:Dana Carvey obviously hurt him with that impression. / He did. Thank you. / Very refreshing.

Larry · Artie:Larry, I think you were absolutely right in not letting Carvey do that impression of you. / Really? Oh, absolutely. / He's supposed to be a friend of yours. He should know better. He should know that something like that would hurt your feelings. That's what I thought. / I think you should dry-shave that little fucker with a flicker.

Hank · Brian:Where do you think you're going, Mr. Hank Kingsley's permanent assistant? / I thought you were uncomfortable with me being gay. / I am, but where else am I going to find a personal assistant who'll tell me when Larry is hurt?

Brian · Hank:You ordered aloe vera. / Yes, I did. I'm sorry. Forgive me.

Hank · Brian:And Doug Llewelyn didn't call, did he? / Doug Llewelyn's a faggot. / Sorry.

Hank · Larry · Artie:I am going to kick their asses. / He seems really angry. / Aw, fuck Dana. We don't need him. / Well, maybe you're right. / You feeling lucky tonight, my boy? / Well, I got a boner. / Whoa, we're all in trouble.

Staff · Larry or Artie:Larry, Dana Carvey just called from his car, and he's coming to the poker game. / Hey, now we don't need Hank.