Brian

Brian:I've been a big fan ever since you hosted Double Danger. Remember? Everybody put on their protective goggles, and let's all play Double Danger.

Hank · Brian:Wow! Personal assistant to Barbara Streisand? / Well, actually, I was the personal assistant to her personal assistant.

Hank · Brian · Staff member (Paula?):And, uh, you left that job because... / Well, I really can't say because I signed the confidentiality agreement. / She made him clean the hair out of her tub.

Hank · Brian:Oh, our nation's capital. / Canada. / I know! Canada. / Close.

Brian · Hank:Fred Travalina. / Um, he can't be reached right now. He's in a meeting. May I take a message?

Hank · Brian:Mouthwash? Mm-hmm. Eye drops? Odor-eaters? Size 12 for the big man. Mm-hmm. Hand lotion? Check. All right. Hard-on cream? / No, I forgot it.

Hank · Brian:Okay. I'll be in my office whacking off. / Okay. Uh, I'll hold all your calls.

Hank · Brian:Brian! / Coming! Coming!

Hank · Brian:I love this. You do? / What... what did you do? I mean, the room, it just seems... I don't know. It's so much bigger. / Yeah. The Chinese call it a feng shui... to maximize your harmony and power. / Ah. Well, since my divorce, my dick could use a little feng shui.

Hank · Brian:Darlene would never let me smoke. / No? Mm-mm.

Brian · Hank:You know, the toughest people are the ones who can cry. / I'm tough. / Yeah, you are. / You're tough, sir. / Hey, life, take your best shot, 'cause to Mr. Hank Kingsley, life is a carousel, and the sun is a scoop of ice cream. Yeah, so blow away those clouds that rain on his parade.

Brian · Hank:I know. I felt exactly the same way when Keith ran off. / I'm sorry. Who's Keith? Your dog? / No, he was my lover. We were together for five years.

Hank · Brian:Sorry, um, I'm not... I'm not following you. You... your lover? / Yeah, he was my boyfriend. / Mmm. Yeah. / Are you... um... are you gay? / Yeah, but that was two years ago, and I got over it. / So, you're not... you're not gay. / What do you mean?

Hank · Brian:I asked for aloe vera. / Uh-huh. And, uh, what did I ask for? / Aloe vera. / Yes, I asked for lanolin. I asked for lanolin.

Hank · Brian:Darlene was with me for six years. She never did this. / Hank, you asked for aloe vera. / See, that's the attitude that I cannot take.

Brian · Hank:So this has nothing to do with me being gay, does it? / Oh, come on, mister. Come on. / So it's the aloe vera. / 'Cause I can certainly see how that would be the last straw. / You see? There it is again. There's that attitude thing again.

Hank · Brian:I am a supporter of the gay community. I wore a red ribbon to the Emmys. I have been to several Elton John concerts. / What does that mean? / Elton John... is a gay.

Brian:Um, I'm going to go get your fruit.

Hank · Brian:Where do you think you're going, Mr. Hank Kingsley's permanent assistant? / I thought you were uncomfortable with me being gay. / I am, but where else am I going to find a personal assistant who'll tell me when Larry is hurt?

Brian · Hank:You ordered aloe vera. / Yes, I did. I'm sorry. Forgive me.

Hank · Brian:And Doug Llewelyn didn't call, did he? / Doug Llewelyn's a faggot. / Sorry.

Hank · Brian:I know how your people enjoy the karaoke. / It wasn't me, Hank. / Now if you'll excuse me, I must go call my parents and tell them I'm Asian.

Hank Kingsley · Brian:Brian tells Hank that Sid is going to be fine — it wasn't a heart attack, just a hiatal hernia. Hank's response: 'Fucking doctors! I mean, come on!'

Hank Kingsley · Brian:Hank in tears after news of Sid's recovery — Brian: 'I know. We're all happy.' Hank weeping and nodding, clearly a mess.

Artie · Brian:Artie asks Brian to guard the shrimp as a legitimate security assignment.

Brian · Beverly · Staff:Staff robotically responding to Gloria Steinem's arrival: 'We love our guests.' 'We love Larry.' 'I love my job.' — triggered like Pavlovian responses mid-greeting

Brian:Brian's tour-guide line about the plants: 'Artie takes care of them all by himself. Isn't that cute? Very versatile guy.' — desperately filling silence while managing Steinem

Phil · Brian:Oh! You know, if this guy gives me a good review, I'll pay him a thousand bucks. Do you know if he's gay? Because I'd blow him. / Phil, that's not funny. / No. I'm not being funny. I mean, if he gives me a good review, I will blow him.

Brian · Phil:You will? You'll get down on your knees and you'll put his penis in your mouth? / Well, since you put it that way, I guess it's not so appealing. / Yeah, exactly. Huh? Huh?

Hank · Brian:Hank's Jensen Healey — 'My god, if this car gets me just one third the pussy that man got, I die a happy man.'

Elvis Costello · Hank · Brian:Elvis Costello arrives making car sounds ('Rrr! Rrr! Rrr!') and saying 'I'm gonna miss her' about the Jensen Healey he just sold.

Elvis Costello · Hank · Brian:Elvis Costello: 'I don't wanna be one of those sad male menopause guys, you know, drivin' around in their sports car, looking for pussy. Nothing sadder.' — while literally in the process of selling his sports car to Hank, who is buying it for exactly that reason.

Hank · Brian:Hank casually explains that England's weakness is being bad negotiators and that 'they sold Alaska to us for nothing.'

Brian:Brian to Hank: 'You know, these language tapes are really paying off for you.'

Brian · Hank:Brian's response to Hank's 405 story: 'Hank, next time that happens, just call me.' — Hank's comeback: 'Oh, so you're saying that my car phone works. What a delightful sense of humor you have.'

Larry · Brian:Larry asks Brian: 'Do I seem gay to you?' — Brian: 'That's hard to say, Larry, 'cause I know you're not gay, right?'

Brian:Brian: 'I don't think [my gay friends] think about sex when they watch you. Really, but I haven't exactly taken a survey.'

Larry · Brian:Larry: 'Do any of your friends think I'm gay?' / 'My gay friends?' / 'OK, sure. Let's start with them.'

Brian:Brian on Duchovny: 'A third think he's gay, a third think he's bi, and the rest don't care. They just want to kiss him anyways, which would be me.'

Brian:Brian, upon hearing the security guard is looking for him: 'The gorgeous security guard? Get over here! I'm in trouble, and I love it.'

Hank Kingsley · Brian · David:Hank announces he's quitting, then tells Brian's partner David: 'that may work in your little gay paradise, but this is my life'

Hank Kingsley · Brian · David:Hank introduces his assistant Brian's partner David, then immediately bosses Brian around to get boxes — 'Now wrap up the social hour and get the boxes'

Brian · Hank Kingsley:'Dear Jew, you keep wearing your Jew hat, because I can use it as a target when I blow your Jew head off.' / Wow, this guy's a real nut case, eh? / Read another one.

Brian · Hank Kingsley:'Dear Bar Mitzvah Head'— / Well, that's a clever start.

Brian · Hank Kingsley · Brian:'I will not buy your orange Jews ever again.' / What the hell are orange Jews? / Maybe he's referring to the orange juice you endorse.

Brian · Phil · Beverly:Oh, I know. / Phil: fuck this. I need to make more money. / Oh, dear god.

Beverly · Brian:Look at this. That's Hank. / That's your salary?! / Yeah, that's my salary, but look at Hank's salary. Oh, my god! I can't believe that guy. He said he was broke. He's been borrowing money from me.

Brian · Beverly:I — I make $5.00 more a week than you make? / Yeah. I mean, don't you think you should make a little bit more than me? / Yeah, but I only make $5.00 more than you. / In a year, that's $250.

Brian · Beverly:Oh, well, Beverly, um, I was with La Streisand for 5 years, and I had high salary quotes. / And besides, I work really hard for Hank. / I don't care. I do everything for Larry. He's a big baby. / Oh, really? Have you ever waxed Larry's back? Have you ever poked around in Great Dane shit looking for a ring?

Hank · Brian:Hank to Brian: 'Why didn't you call Shadow Stevens and tell him about the poker game last night?' / Brian says he left a message / Hank: 'That's the old number.' / Brian: 'I'm sorry.' / Hank: 'The new number's in your rolodex, Brian.' / Brian: 'I'm sorry.' / Hank: 'Are you crying?'

Hank · Brian:Hank berates Brian for using the wrong phone number from the Rolodex; Brian begins crying at the mild criticism.

Hank · Brian:Hank looks at Brian's face and says 'Mmm, missed a spot.' Brian: 'No, on your face.'

Hank · Brian:Brian asks 'Go where?' / Hank: 'Wherever the fucking horse goes.'

Hank · Alan · Brian:Gordon's friend Alan: 'You are very popular in the gay community, Hank.' / Hank (to Brian): 'See, I told ya.'

Hank · Brian:Brian after Gordon and Alan leave: 'See? I'm a loser.' / Hank: 'You're not gonna cry again, are ya?'

Brian · Phil · Don Rickles:Hank's assistant Brian and writer Phil mob Don Rickles in the greenroom begging him to insult them

Don Rickles · Brian:Rickles insults Brian: "You must have come out of your mother on an angle and hit the wall. You got a funny-looking body."

Don Rickles · Brian:"Are you a queer? / No. / Hey, you're not in the life. Not the last time I checked. / I'll do the funny stuff. Shut up."

Beverly Barnes · Brian:Beverly: 'James wasn't the one sending me all those gifts.' Brian: 'Oh, I know.' Beverly: 'How do you know?' Brian: 'Because it was me.' Beverly: 'It was you?'

Brian · Paula:Oh, can I have your stapler? / Brian!

Hank Kingsley · Brian:Hank asks to be pinched to see if he's dreaming, then escalates: 'Harder. Hard.'

Phil · Brian:'What is it, Some gay holiday? Gay groundhog day?' — Phil asks where Brian is, then Brian reveals he's standing right there

Phil · Brian:Phil deduces the 'faggiest car you could drive' is a rose parade float — then Brian says he drives a Saturn

Phil · Brian:Phil's performance of 'Gay people make really dramatic exits' — complete with walk, pivot, contempt look, and door slam — as a physical demonstration joke

Brian · Artie · Phil:Brian's harassment complaint read aloud: Phil said 'Does that mean your boyfriend has a tofu cock?' in response to Brian saying he doesn't eat meat

Artie · Brian:Artie: 'What gay guys wear Hawaiian shirts?' — Brian: 'Have you been on Santa Monica Boulevard in the last 10 years?' — Artie: 'I take Sunset.'

Phil · Brian:Phil's strained attempt at neutrality — 'Good morning, Brian' / 'And how are we today?' / 'We are great.' [Straining] followed by immediate 'Oh, thank god the rains have stopped, eh?'

Phil · Brian:Brian asks Phil if he likes his outfit; Phil says 'yes' but can't call it 'fetching'; Brian says 'excuse me' and leaves; Phil says 'I took care of him, eh?'

Brian · Phil:Brian deliberately baits Phil by asking 'Phil, do you like my outfit?' and calling it 'fetching' — Phil snapping 'That's not the word I'm looking for' then leaving

Phil · Brian:Brian: 'What, are they hiring at UPS, 'cause you're sporting a very big package.' / Phil: 'Oh, well, thank you for noticing. Sign here, and the package is all yours.'

Beverly · Brian:Beverly to Brian: 'Well, I was born Black.' [pause] Brian: 'What? What does that mean?' Beverly: 'Well, you chose to be gay.'

Artie · Brian:Brian visits the green room during Larry's bombing monologue — Artie: 'Ah, it's Mr. Litigious.'

Brian:Brian: 'Shame about your monologue.' [to Larry on TV]

Brian · Phil:Brian: 'Guess what. I just put a lawyer on retainer. Five fucking grand for one phone call.' — Phil: 'Thank you.'

Brian:Brian: 'I wore that outfit just to provoke you. I just bought it that morning.'

Phil · Brian:Phil starts crying; Brian also starts crying; both are weeping together in a bizarre mutual breakdown