Larry insists on writng a book about his life, just like Jay, Brett, Ellen and Paul, leaving Hank worrying about ""the incident"" and Artie to finish off his own memoirs. Beverly receives flowers from a secret admirer and jumps to conclusions.
WAR
86.2
Wins Above Replacement
“The Book” ranks #47 of 90 The Larry Sanders Show episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 86.8 — Elite. The episode packs 78 scored jokes at 3.4 per minute, averaging 7.2 on craft and 7.0 on impact, with Larry Sanders landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Dr. Joyce Brothers · Larry Sanders: Dr. Brothers, apropos of nothing: 'You don't have a large ass.' Larry: 'Thanks.'
Beverly: I gotta start takin' those gingko tablets.
Larry Sanders: Larry finally emerges and takes his seat. His explanation for being late: 'I'm sorry I'm a little late. I had trouble getting the noose off the, uh, chandelier.'
Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders: Hank: 'Larry, listen. Did you...did you put, uh, in that, uh, stuff about me?' Larry (from behind door): 'Buy the book.'
Dana: you had sex with my body pillow.
All Jokes — 78 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Larry: I looked like a lesbian art teacher from hartford, connecticut, I'm not a lesbian. I can't even do improv.
Artie: You betcha. You're fucking fascinating.
Artie: Writing a book is something you save for just right before you die when all you got to do is watch the Sunset.
Artie: Well, now, how the Christ would I know?
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Stevie: Fucking fergie. She wants to do a talk show. I think she might fuck me, too.
Larry: Fuck you. Fuck you, stevie.
Larry: Leading with my ass?
Phil: Hey, who'd you fuck to get those?
Phil: He's the kind of guy that would find a way to stamp his name on all the petals.
Phil: His life and times, who he got to fuck. You know, the usual Hollywood bullshit tell-all.
Phil Observational Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Artie: The time you slipped and chipped your tooth on the urinal?
Hank: I masturbated before the show, and you caught me.
Artie: I suggest you lock the door.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Larry: Wasn't it more in the area of 20 or something like that?
Dana: you had sex with my body pillow.
Dana: you couldn't get it up.
Dana: Oh, I think vitamin's "l-n," Larry.
Beverly: I gotta start takin' those gingko tablets.
James: Wouldn't it be funny if you wrote a sketch for Larry where he plays Burt Reynolds going on one of those dating game type of shows? And all the contestants look like loni Anderson, right?
Artie: I said to Jack lord, 'do you have hemorrhoids? ' He said, 'no.'I said... 'at last, I've met a perfect asshole.'
Larry: What has happened to the world that nowadays anybody can write a book? Anybody. Anybody.
Artie: What a fucking ego.
Artie: That should be the title of your book.
Larry: That's why I kissed Marla gibbs in the, uh, press room.
Phil: Don't boxers abstain from any type of sexual activity before a big fight?
Hank: Yes, because they are pussies.
Hank: a little sexual stimulation before the show relaxes and centers me.
Larry: It's not interesting, it's fucking pathetic. It's about nothing but fucking greed and lust and self-loathing and anger. And let me tell you somethin'. That is not what I'm like!
Phil James Callback Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Artie: Just grab him, tackle him, whatever, and then hit the fire alarm, OK?
Artie: The freshwater eel has your name on it.
Beverly: you could take those... those chocolates and those shells and you shove 'em where the sun don't shine. Oh, and you take the flowers, too.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Setup/Punchline Beverly: when a gay man is the only one writing you poetry, it makes you feel like a real charity case.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Dr. Joyce Brothers: You don't have a large ass.
Larry: I had trouble gettin' the noose off the, uh, chandelier.
Larry Sanders: Larry: 'You threatened to walk off the show if the network didn't redecorate your dressing room?' Then: 'Isn't that a great ending?'
Larry Sanders · Artie: Larry has apparently read his finished memoir in 32 seconds flat — the scene cuts from him announcing he'll read it 'right now' to Artie asking 'Oh. That was fast. How was it?' as if only moments have passed.
Larry Sanders: Larry's response to reading his book: simply 'Larry? Uh... I'm fucked.'
Hank Kingsley: Hank's renewed panic: 'If Larry tells them about the time I masturbated before the show, I'll never be able to show my face in public.' Unnamed character: 'Why were you masturbating before the show?' Hank: 'You see? It's an interesting story, isn't it?'
Hank Kingsley: Hank delivers Artie's earlier advice almost verbatim: 'A little sexual stimulation before the show relaxes and centers me.' — earnestly, to justify the pre-show masturbation.
Hank Kingsley: Hank: 'What if he has the pictures?'
Artie: Artie sends Beverly to get 'some frozen yogurt' as a way to get her out of earshot while dealing with the Larry crisis.
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Artie: Artie to Larry through the door: 'I know how you feel. I mean, I know you're just...you're just completely worn out from writing this book.'
Artie Irony/Sarcasm Deadpan/Understatement Artie: Artie's instructions to a staff member about what to do if Larry comes out: 'Grab him, tackle him, whatever, and then hit the fire alarm.'
Artie Absurdist Character Comedy Larry Sanders · Mary Lou: A new voice at the grip room door: 'Larry? Who's that? It's Mary Lou.' Larry: 'What are you doing?' — Larry is so isolated he doesn't know who's outside, and his response to his guest identifying herself is to ask what she's doing, as if she's the one behaving oddly.
Larry Sanders: Larry, from inside the grip room: 'God. God, I hate my fucking life.'
Artie · Mary Lou: Artie to a guest about Larry's absence: 'He's changing his wardrobe.' Guest: 'Well, I wanna do a comedy bit with Larry on the panel, but I really wanna run it by him.' Artie: 'Well, uh, while we're waiting, why don't you bounce it off me?' Guest: 'Well, no. I can't do it a million times. It won't be fresh to me. Then I'm fucked.'
Artie: Artie offers the guest sushi as a holding pattern: 'The freshwater eel has your name on it.'
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Bruno Kirby · Artie: Bruno Kirby arrives, complaining about being bumped: 'You've bumped me 50 times.' Artie: '15.' Bruno: '15, 50... I don't give a shit.'
Bruno Kirby: Bruno Kirby: 'I'm a professional. I've managed to keep my mental problems away from my work.' — said while having a visible tantrum about being bumped.
Beverly Barnes · James: Beverly tells James she got 'the chocolates.' James: 'What chocolates?' Beverly: 'Those chocolates you sent me.' James: 'Beverly, I didn't send you any chocolates.' Beverly insists. James: 'I have no idea what you're talking about.'
Beverly Barnes: Beverly, after her humiliating interaction with James: 'God, I hate my fucking life.' — the same line Larry said earlier from inside the grip room.
Hank Kingsley: Hank conspiratorially asks someone to 'steal the book.' They correct him: 'I don't want you to steal the book, I want you to borrow it.' Hank: 'Shh. Shh. Shh.'
Beverly Barnes · Brian: Beverly: 'James wasn't the one sending me all those gifts.' Brian: 'Oh, I know.' Beverly: 'How do you know?' Brian: 'Because it was me.' Beverly: 'It was you?'
Beverly Barnes: Beverly's reaction to Brian's explanation: 'You know what, Brian? If this was the end of next week, I would realize how well you meant, but for right now, you know what? You could take those chocolates and those shells and you shove 'em where the sun don't shine. Oh, and you take the flowers, too.'
Brooke Shields: Brooke Shields, outside the grip room door: 'He's so odd. I went through the same thing with William Hurt once. It was a nightmare.'
Artie: Artie's attempt to find a replacement guest: 'Call Seinfeld.' [Response.] 'Golfing.' 'Roseanne?' 'Busy.' 'Bill Maher?' 'Oh, shit. They've all written books.'
Artie Character Comedy Escalation Callback Artie: Artie: 'Okay, call my buddy Jon Stewart.'
Artie Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Beverly Barnes · Artie: Artie tells Beverly: 'Oh, could it be that cute executive, James?' Beverly reveals it's Brian. Artie: 'Our Brian? You know, Artie, I know he was tryin' to be nice and all, but when a gay man is the only one writing you poetry, it makes you feel like a real charity case.'
Artie: Artie: 'You know, when my fourth wife quit me, I threw a party...but I cried for days when you left me.'
Artie Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Brooke Shields · Marlee Matlin: Brooke Shields and another guest (Marlee Matlin) argue about whose bit idea it was. Brooke: 'So I thought that we would act like we'd been together the night before and had sex and you left something at my apartment, but then it turns out to be totally innocent.' Marlee: 'Brooke, that was my idea.' Brooke: 'But I'm on first. Too bad.'
Jack: Jack (off-camera, apparently) reacts to Brooke winning the bit argument: 'What a cunt.' — delivered flatly as an editorial aside.
Jack Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Marlee Matlin · Larry Sanders: Marlee Matlin knocks on the grip room door and tries to appeal to Larry. Her argument: 'There are a lot of people who really care about you.' Larry: 'That's sweet of you to say, Marlee, but I'm not coming out.' Marlee: 'Larry, I brought some clips from my movie. I need to promote it.'
Artie: Artie: 'I'll handle this.' [takes over from Marlee at the grip room door]
Artie Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement Hank Kingsley: Hank knocks on the grip room door: 'Larry, it's Hank.' Long pause. 'Hank Kingsley.'
Hank Kingsley: Hank's appeal to Larry through the door — includes 'Come on. You haven't missed one yet.' and 'I love ya. L... I think you're the greatest.' — before immediately pivoting to: 'OK, listen. If you don't wanna come out, well, how 'bout you know, sliding the pages underneath the door?'
Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders: Hank: 'Larry, listen. Did you...did you put, uh, in that, uh, stuff about me?' Larry (from behind door): 'Buy the book.'
Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley: Larry through the door: 'Hank, can you hear me?' Hank: 'I can, buddy.' Larry: 'Go fuck yourself.'
Artie: Artie, on the phone during the crisis, to someone called Melody: 'Yes, honey. Uh, well, wait. Would you do me a favor and have a good rest of your evening?' — clearly dismissing someone complaining about programming.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Dr. Joyce Brothers · Larry Sanders: Dr. Joyce Brothers, through the grip room door: 'It's hard to look at your life, Larry. We all have illusions about ourselves. Now that you've taken a good hard look at yourself, you can learn.' Larry: 'All I've learned is that I'm a selfish asshole.' Dr. Brothers: 'There's nothing wrong with a bit of selfishness. Who's gonna take care of Larry but Larry? Trust me. I'm a professional psychologist.'
Dr. Joyce Brothers · Larry Sanders: Dr. Brothers, apropos of nothing: 'You don't have a large ass.' Larry: 'Thanks.'
Dr. Joyce Brothers: Dr. Brothers concludes the therapy session: 'Say, are we gonna tape a show today? Because if not, I can still beat the traffic.'
Artie · Hank Kingsley: Artie announces: 'Hank, get ready, buddy. Richard, let's do it. Start the band.' Hank: 'Artie, uh, you're not gonna start the show without Larry, are you?' Artie: '3, 2...yes. Without Larry.'
Announcer · Larry Sanders: The show starts without Larry: 'Live, on tape from Hollywood, the Larry Sanders Show... And now, because he loves you like you love him, Larry Sanders.' Long pause. Larry comes out.
Larry Sanders: Larry finally emerges and takes his seat. His explanation for being late: 'I'm sorry I'm a little late. I had trouble getting the noose off the, uh, chandelier.'
Artie: Final beat: Artie's reaction to Larry's announcement — 'Oh, fuck.' — delivered flatly to camera or under his breath.
Artie Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Top Episodes — The Larry Sanders Show
