The Prank

Hank:Paralegal? I always thought that was a lawyer in a wheelchair.

Michelle:That was very funny. I'm sure you hear that all the time.

Hank:No, no. Not really.

Michelle:Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm from Oklahoma. That's cow country. Someone who still eats red meat.

Larry:What are you talkin' about? I was kiddin'. You going to call her in?

Unknown crew member:You bet your ass.

Larry:'Butthole' and 'surfing' shouldn't be put together. To me, someone's ass is gonna get waxed, and I don't think that's a good thing.

Hank:Bob Saget says that all the time.

Michelle:Really?

Hank:All the time.

Michelle:That's good to know.

Hank:It's a big fish on, but the thing is Artie gave that to me. It's a whole fishing tackle box/wallet combination.

Hank:Oh, yeah, but the housekeeper's not here, so we'll have to just drink it out of the bottle.

Michelle:Straight out of the bottle?

Hank:Straight.

Hank:Chocolate is an aphrodisiac, and the mud part is all chocolate.

Michelle:Oh, my God.

Hank:What?

Michelle:I think it's working.

Michelle:Sitter?

Hank:Dog sitter?

Michelle:No, the baby-sitter. Um, I have a 6-year-old son.

Hank:Well, isn't that... isn't that just great?

Hank:quite frankly, Roger... is that... is that your husband?

Michelle:No, that's my son.

Michelle:Roger... is that your husband?

Hank:No, that's my son.

Hank:Oh! I mean, kids are great. They have energy.

Hank:I don't know anyone who has an American car anymore.

Artie:What do you mean? I drive an American car.

Artie:It's a hell of a lot better than these rice burners and strudel wagons the rest of these assholes in Hollywood drive.

Artie:Well, what about little Miguelito from Peru? You know, the kid that you adopted through Sally Struthers? All his letters pile up like goddamned junk mail.

Hank:Well, what am I supposed to do? He wrote them in Spanish.

Artie:Showfolk belong with showfolk, Hank. If you're not careful, you're gonna mess this kid up and his mom.

Artie:Mama Lucia. Fabuloosa caboosa. Great ass, too.

Beverly:Oh, that's because Phil doesn't have an office.

Larry:20 bucks? I hope it's a day of beauty.

Larry:My money's missing.

Beverly:Gosh, Larry. If you don't wanna buy one, just say so.

Larry:No, I believe you. My money's gone.

Phil:It's more like a concept at this point.

Keith:Oh, come on. Have a cookie.

Actress:So there's nothing for me to read?

Phil:You want something to read? We got papers here. We got everything.

Artie:Listen, you gotta be very careful when you accuse a friend of stealing money because many years ago, I was in New York with Lenny Bruce, and, uh, he accused me of taking 50 bucks from him, and it turned very ugly and I popped him.

Larry:You know, you've told me this story before, and, uh, you took the money.

Artie:That may be, but I'm just trying to warn you.

Michelle:I know we're early, it's just they were so speedy over there at Midas Muffler.

Hank:Uh-oh, you must be Susan. You must be Roger. How you doin', champ?

Roger:Fine. They took my mom's car and lifted it way high.

Hank:Sacramento... that's the capital of California. Wow. You are correct.

Roger:You must... you must be very smart.

Hank:South Dakota. Pierre. And what's the capital of North Dakota... Pepé Le Pew?

Roger:You're funny, Mr. Kingsley.

Larry:Those are beautiful earrings.

Lori:Oh, thanks. I got 'em today.

Larry:Oh, really?

Lori:Yeah. I used the money I got from, uh... my wallet?

Larry:You know what? I always give them a couple hundred bucks because you know what? You know, they know me.

Artie:That bird was supposed to shit on Larry's hand.

Artie:Come on. Reba McEntire doesn't need to do 2 songs. Some guy left her, and she's broke. Big fucking deal. We got it the first time.

Beverly:You don't see me setting up fake meetings just to meet Ed Asner.

Phil:Beverly, kiss my ass.

Beverly:You show it bare.

Beverly:They're not horses, Phil.

Beverly:This sort of thing happens in the movies, maybe, but we had no idea this sort of behavior was being conducted on the very premises of the Larry Sanders show.

Beverly:Shut the fuck up, Phil!

Actress:You know what's odd is I wear a 2-piece.

Larry:Something seems... Reba... she was anxious to get on the road. There was a big turquoise and silver fair in Santa Fe tomorrow.

Larry:Something seems... Reba... she was anxious to get on the road. There was a big turquoise and silver fair in Santa Fe tomorrow.

Hank:Come on. You know this. He knew all the capitals of all the states. Backstage he was terrific. Come on. Starts with an 'I.' Ends with a 'y.'

Larry:Don't touch the boy.

Nice booking. The kid froze.

Michelle:You are a grown man, you had no reason to attack him like that. He did great. It went great.

Artie:You know, I've seen kids with Michael Jackson less nervous.

Artie:Just remember, this show is not about you getting laid. It's about Larry getting laid.

Larry:Listen, I... I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am about that, because I just thought that she took the money...

John Stamos:No, no, no. No, you misunderstood. Um, I came down here because... well, she did take the money.

John Stamos:No, you misunderstood. Um, I came down here because... well, she did take the money.

John Stamos:I know, it's weird. It's... she's, uh... she's had this problem for a while now really? Yeah, and she was embarrassed and she wanted me to bring the money down here, because she didn't, you know... you know, I mean, you could imagine how it...

Larry:There was 250 in the wallet. There's 200 here. Is that a new earring?