Artie and Angie and Hank and Hercules

Artie:If you're gonna sit around all day with your thumb up your ass, sooner or later that will impact the show.

Larry:I hate when people use their children as an excuse.

Artie:Mary Lou, that's the reason people in Hollywood have kids.

Hank:Boy, I'd like to have that police woman put me in a choke hold. You know, frisk me, baby. Whoa, do I have a concealed weapon for you.

Larry:Shut up, Hank. Officer, officer, turn off that siren and let's fuck.

Larry:You're gonna have to be more specific.

Artie:Well, we had a lot of hot sex, but we never left the house.

Artie:She's like a siren calling for me to smash my nuts upon the rocks.

Larry:Ha! OK, it's not that different.

Hey, could you insult us?

Don Rickles:Oh, not really, you know, I don't do that. You know, I do that for, you know, when you get paid.

Don Rickles:You must have come out of your mother on an angle and hit the wall. You got a funny-looking body.

Hank:It's like I shit in Pluto's dish or something.

Hank:I knew television was in deep, deep trouble the day they took C.P.O. Sharkey off the air.

Don Rickles:What am I, with the Mossad? I don't know.

Don Rickles:Here's a man that's a nebbish. That means, as you can see, does nothing, just sits there and smells his hand.

Angie:Artie, forget about it, huh? You're old. It's over. Go out to the cemetery and pick out a plot.

Don Rickles:"Here's a man that's a nebbish... that means, as you can see, does nothing, just sits there and smells his hand."

Larry:He's just thanking her for doing the show.

Hank:No, no. Not really. Uh, he'd been on the plane the flight before mine. You could still feel the Eisner in the air.

Disney Executive:That's Samson.

Hank:I don't think so.

Hank:Is he a gynecologist?

Larry:It's fine. I'm that way when Siegfried and Roy are on.

Artie:Tomorrow let's switch to beer.

Artie:You know who's really good in this one? David Schwimmer. He's hilarious in this one.

Artie:Oh, boy, he's just like Marcel Marceau.

Artie:Not on TV.

Artie:If Dressed to Kill were on right now, you'd be humping the set crying out 'Mama mia!'

Larry:What are they doing, a live action version of Dumbo? You throw in 40 pounds, a little gray makeup, you're gonna be great.

Larry:What are they doing, a live action version of Dumbo? You throw in 40 pounds, a little gray makeup, you're gonna be great.

Hank:This is a warning, my friend. You do not mess with Hercules. I killed my wife, I killed my children, and I shall kill you if you do not temper thy tongue.

Hank:I don't mean to question your judgment, but one of my balls is as big as Tate Donovan.

Hank:Hiageus, the village idiot, enters, a sad little stump of a man with a sorry mustache. He's being pelted with stones by a band of toughs. He cries out for Hercules in his funny squeal of a voice.

Hank:Do you think that when Hiageus gets in trouble, he could say, uh, 'Hey, now!'

Beverly:And is that your tail I see between your legs?

Laura:I'm just not sure that I'm ready to be in a relationship with someone in show business.

Exactly.

Artie:We were on vacation, for Christ's sake. You know, it started out good, but then she wanted to talk about my peccadilloes. My mood swings, my temper, my stubbornness. My obsession with Glenlivet.

Larry:What time's your flight?

Artie:9:30. I'll be back on Monday. I swear.

Larry:Thanks, buddy.

Artie:"Ciao. Ciao, padrio." — Artie's parting words as he heads to Italy

Larry:"What is it you found, exactly?" — Larry's parting question to Artie

Artie:"Well, I'm afraid we're getting in a little bit of a rut, sweetie. All we've done since we got here is drink wine and screw."

Angie Dickinson · Artie:"What do you suggest?" / "Tomorrow let's switch to beer."

Artie:Artie admits he was distracted after the shower because he was 'a little worried about Larry' — in the middle of a romantic Italian getaway

Artie:"Not without me he isn't." — Artie on whether Larry is fine without him

Larry:"Can we turn that off?" — Larry asking to turn off Melrose Place while watching it with Laura Leighton in parallel with Artie watching it in Venice

Laura Leighton:Laura's deadpan response to Larry's David Schwimmer claim: 'Very fucking funny.'

Larry:"David schwimmer. He's hilarious in this one. Very fucking funny." — Larry attributing his Melrose Place viewing to David Schwimmer

Larry · Laura Leighton:"And do what?" / "You read my mind." — Larry and Laura's shorthand for staying in and having sex

Artie:Artie watching Italian-dubbed Larry Sanders and laughing: "Larry's a killer in any language."

Angie Dickinson · Artie:"Oh, boy, he's just like Marcel Marceau. Larry's a killer in any language."

Artie:"Not on TV." — Artie's distinction between having seen the episode in person vs. on television

Artie:"What do you want from me? This is my job. I gotta see how it plays in the Italian market."

Artie:Artie and Angie's argument escalates: 'If dressed to kill were on right now, you'd be humping the set crying out "mama mia!"'

Artie · Angie Dickinson:Artie and Angie's fight escalating — she accuses him of always lashing out, he denies it, then immediately says 'Well, fuck you then'

Artie:"Just give me 5 goddamn minutes, then we're gonna take the fucking boat!"

Hank:"Do I look any different? No. Well, I should because I am playing hercules!"

Hank:"Hey! They want me! They want me!" — Hank's victorious announcement after the Disney call

Unknown Staff Member:"What are they doing, a live action version of Dumbo? You throw in 40 pounds, a little gray makeup, you're gonna be great."

Hank:Hank's Hercules declaration: "I know not this Hank you speak of. As of this day... you shall see only one man. And that man is... HERCULES!"

Hank:"I killed my wife, I killed my children, and I shall kill you if you do not temper thy tongue."

Disney Executive:"Hank, um, when we said we wanted you to come in for hercules, we meant... hercules the project. Not hercules the role."

Hank:"I don't mean to question your judgment, but one of my balls is as big as Tate Donovan."

Disney Executive · Hank:The Hiageus stage direction: '"Hiageus, the village idiot, enters, a sad little stump of a man with a sorry mustache. He's being pelted with stones by a band of toughs. He cries out for hercules in his funny squeal of a voice."'

Disney Executive:He's hercules' partner. He's always getting into all these little scrapes. [pause] And hercules has to... he's the village idiot.

Hank:"I don't think so." — Hank refusing the Hiageus role after hearing the stage directions

Hank:"Are you saying that being the village idiot is my life?"

Disney Executive:"And Michael eisner thinks hiageus is the best character in the film."

Hank:"Do you think that when hiageus gets in trouble, he could say, 'hey, now!'"

Artie · Beverly:Beverly asks if the new hire worked out — 'How'd that guy turn out?' / 'Ooh, um... good. I still got a job?'

Laura Leighton · Beverly:"So Larry asked me to move in with him." / "Oh, and are you going to?" / "I don't know. It's too fast. I'm just not sure that I'm ready to... be in a relationship with someone in show business." [pause] "You're in show business." / "Exactly."

Artie:"Boy, I feel like such an idiot. We were on vacation, for Christ's sake. You know, it started out good, but then she wanted to talk about my peccadilloes. My mood swings, my temper, my stubbornness. My obsession with glenlivet. You know the whole fucking laundry list."

Artie:So once again I walk alone.

Beverly · Artie:Beverly's 'I'm so glad you're back. I'm so glad you're back.' — genuine warmth that undercuts Artie's tragic self-pity

Larry:"Oh, shit. I thought she was in London." — Larry on seeing Angie has returned

Artie:Artie declaring 'I've got to confront this. I've got to put a stop to it once and for all.' — then going straight to her

Hank · Larry:Hank introduces his Hiageus voice on Larry's show: 'I'm not playing hercules. They offered me hercules, but I'm playing a much better role. Um, a stretch for me. Uh, the role of hiageus. The village idiot.'

Larry:"You're not... you're not supposed to call it that." — Larry responding to Hank calling it 'the village idiot'

Larry:"Well, do you want to do a little of the voice? Why don't you do a little of the voice and then we'll be the judge."

Larry · Artie:"'Cause I imagine that must have been very, very difficult." / "It was, but it's cool now. She's on her way to Mexico, and her flight leaves in an hour." / "What time's your flight?" / "9:30." [beat] "I'll be back on Monday."