Beverly Barnes

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Paula says Robert Hays is booked on the show tonight, but he fell in the shower and he's seeing shapes and colors and stuff. / Perfect. I won't ask him anything tough.

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Did you, by any chance, feel an earthquake about 20 minutes ago? / I did not feel an earthquake. / Okay, but I think today is the day.

Hank Kingsley · Beverly · Larry Sanders · Artie:How many times have you been married? / Well, everyone in the loop knows. / You're kidding? / Hey, guys. / Hey, Hank. / Whoa, what a shiner! What happened to you? / Melanie Parish hit me. / No, really. Softball? Doorknob?

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry suddenly announces: 'I'm hosting the show tonight.' Beverly: 'What?' 'That's right. I'm hosting the show tonight. I was bored on vacation anyway.'

Beverly · Artie:Larry, the Bangles want to reunite and they want to do it on your show. — I don't know. It's such a shame. The heavy one has such a pretty face. — Arthur, that's Wilson Phillips. — Or the Temptations. Can I talk to you? — Where the hell's Meat Loaf? Get him. Meat's a good boy.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Tell her 'don't flirt,' please. — Don't say 'don't flirt.' You know what to tell her. Don't tell her it came from me, okay?

Bert Crawley · Beverly:I also tell jokes. There's these two Jews sitting on the porch. — One of them says to the other... — Sorry, Larry.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:This is very cold. / I know. / This can't possibly be number 7 for 45 seconds. / I know, Larry, but I got distracted for a moment. / By what? / Forget it. It's not important. / Beverly, I want to know. What could be more important than my burrito?

Beverly · Larry Sanders:– You're my boss, right? – Yes. / – So, technically, I have no choice but to tell you. – You mean legally. – Yeah. / I just saw Jerry and Sally having sex.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Who's Sally? / The new runner. / Right here in this building, on your set, right in back of your desk. / Jesus Christ. / Was my mug out there?

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Why didn't I know about this? / It's office gossip. You're above that sort of stuff. / I am not above that stuff. I'm right at that level. Tell me everything.

Beverly · Larry Sanders:– How graphic do you want it? – Use your judgment. Steer clear of the phrase 'Jerry's penis' when I'm biting into this cold burrito.

Beverly · Larry Sanders:My boyfriend. / Is he on the show? / No. / You know how you said we could discuss things with you other than business? / Yeah. Absolutely. / Forget it. It's stupid. / Come on. / Forget it.

Paula · Beverly:Paula: 'Every day, all day, all we do is, "Get this for Larry, do that for Larry." It's ridiculous.' Beverly: 'That's the way it should be.' Paula: 'No duh, Beverly.'

Beverly:Beverly: 'It's just made him an overly coddled individual, hence her problem.' Then adds: 'I'm sure he's not that way at home. Is he?' Then: 'He must be.'

Beverly · Coworker:Beverly's coworker: 'You cannot cancel Sister Circle for a man. That is such the reason that we even go there.' — then 'It's not a man. It's Larry.'

Beverly · Coworkers:Beverly reveals she's going to Larry's house for dinner — coworker: 'Has anyone ever been to Larry's house for dinner?' / 'Not that I know of. That's weird. There must be a reason.'

Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders · Beverly:Excuse me. And Beverly can give me the address, right? / Beverly, give it to him. / I told you. We just talked about this.

Beverly · Jeannie:Beverly calls Jeannie back: 'Yeah, it's up to eight people.' / 'You better make that nine.' / 'Yeah, why don't we just say ten...'

Larry Sanders · Beverly · Jeannie:Beverly reports the count is up to 12 — Jeannie suggests 14 to be safe — Larry: 'Would you not invite any more people? Jeez, it's my dinner. It's my house, my sofa.'

Beverly:Beverly: 'Right. Larry Sanders has spoken.' (after Larry asserts it's his house and sofa)

Larry Sanders · Beverly · Artie:I don't think the three of us know what you mean, Beverly. / The guard who was a problem this morning? No longer a problem. / Let's flip all the cards and tell us exactly what you're trying to say. / They fired the guard who wouldn't let you in this morning. / Beverly, I did not want that guard fired.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Why does the Advocate want to interview me? / You've had so many gay guests on your show. / I have? That's very funny. I didn't know that. I'm serious. You're gonna have to start giving me a signal or something.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Mike Ovitz hates me. / You know how many hundreds of dollars he makes off this show?

Beverly · Larry Sanders:You've gotta stop letting that man pluck your nerves the way you do. / Maybe you're right. 'Pluck your nerves.' Is that a black thing?

Beverly · Larry Sanders:You're such an idiot. / But the homosexual community likes me.

Beverly · Artie:It's a candle in the shape of your head. It's a good likeness.

Larry · Beverly:'Why do you put her through?' / 'Larry, you called her.' / 'Oh, that's right.'

Larry · Beverly:'Do I have trouble prioritizing emotional commitments?' / 'Oh, please, don't ask me. I haven't had a healthy relationship since junior high.' / 'Oh. Wow. Well, let's stick to me today.'

Larry · Beverly:Larry asks Beverly to get Jeannie on the phone, Beverly refuses ('Uh-uh. No.'), Larry immediately says 'Good. Get me a hot towel.'

Beverly:'[Crying] Poor Larry.' — Beverly mimics Jeannie crying in Larry's head

Beverly · Larry:Jeannie's legal restraining order against Larry making any jokes about her on the show

Larry · Beverly:'This heart attack is a warning.' / 'It was a heart episode.' / 'You know what I mean.' / 'I'm 40 years old.' / 'You're 42.'

Larry · Beverly:The dog: Larry says 'I want it. Get the dog.' / Beverly: 'Jeannie stopped by... And she took the dog.'

Hank · Beverly:7.5 pounds of get-well cards vs. Hank's earlier broken leg getting 9 pounds: 'Last year when I broke my leg, didn't I get 9 pounds?' / 'Yes, but you've got 2 miles of faxes out there.'

Larry · Staff member · Beverly · Artie:Larry dictating how get-well responses should be signed: 'Should I put Best wishes or Thanks for caring?' / 'Ah, your choice.' / 'Beverly, please.' / 'Oh, leave him be, Beverly.'

Beverly · Larry:'But you've got 2 miles of faxes out there.' / 'Well, all right.' — Larry immediately consoled by the fax metric beating the card metric

Darlene · Beverly:It's gonna happen. Let's face facts. And when it does, it's either gonna be you or me. / Right. Like Larry would date a sister? / I don't think so.

Larry · Beverly · Darlene:Larry walks in, greets them warmly. Beverly: [whispers] 'Never mind.'

Beverly:Beverly's excited 'Hi, I'm Beverly!' to Alec Baldwin in the pre-show greenroom — wide-eyed starstruck sincerity amid Larry's neurotic spiral

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Have you been keeping mail from me — threatening letters? No. No more than usual. Wait a minute. What's the usual? You said not to tell you.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:The security brochure reads: 'John Lennon, Sharon Tate — these incidences could have been prevented by adequate security.' They're just preying on people's fears.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:The Larry Sanders Look-alike contest. Alec Baldwin won, didn't he?

Beverly · Larry Sanders · Corbin Bernsen · Phil Hartman:Larry, Francine just called. The security people caught somebody in your house. Is she O.K.? Just a little shaken. Everything's all right? She's fine. What do you two assholes have to say now?

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Larry... Did you tell some Javier he could see you tomorrow? Yeah. Would you get Corbin Bernsen on the phone?

Stevie Grant · Beverly · Larry:Stevie to Beverly: 'Look out. She's a sassy one.' Beverly: 'I beg your pardon?'

Hank · Beverly:Hank asks Beverly to call Darlene about 'that 5-pound bag of sand onstage, asap'

Beverly:There's only two seasons in this city -- rainy and riot.

Beverly · Hank:Larry hates your magic tricks. / This isn't magic. This is an illusion.

Artie · Beverly:Beverly, would you please call Larry? / Absolutely. / If he's not at his house, try Yoko's place.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Beverly, hold my calls and get me a typewriter. / There's a computer if you want it. / I like the sound of the banging and then the bell.

Larry · Beverly:Larry's agent always calls when he's on the air — 'He'll call you back.' / 'Yeah, he'll call me tomorrow night when I'm on the air.' / 'Trick him. Put him through tomorrow.'

Larry · Beverly:Larry: 'I won't tolerate alcohol in my office.' / Beverly: 'You have alcohol in your office.' / Larry: 'That's for weekends.'

Artie · Beverly:Artie: 'I've got to go alone. I've got to clear my head, all right?' / Beverly: 'I'll just hang here by the door like some crapper gargoyle.'

Artie · Larry · Beverly:Artie about the steaks: 'Fucking crime to — you don't ruin a beautiful piece of meat.' / Then: 'Artie, I'm firing Stan tomorrow.' / Artie: 'Good. Giving a guy like that everything he wants is not helping him.' / Larry: 'I don't give him everything he wants.' / Beverly (off): 'Where is the beer?'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:'What were you doing with that video camera a little earlier?' / 'Uh, the insurance people wanted a visual inventory of the office property.'

Larry · Beverly:Larry's extended negotiation about NOT wanting birthday attention — 'I really don't want to do—' / 'Nobody's even thinking about your birthday, Larry.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry: 'And let's not even open the cards this year.' / [Beat] 'Fine. Have there been many? Have they been coming in?'

Artie · Beverly:Artie on Louis XIII cognac: 'After four sips, he fell asleep at the Christmas party.' / 'Exactly. That's what Larry likes to do.'

Beverly · Unknown:The exercise bike from the network: 'The network owns the company that makes those. The cost to them is nothing.'

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Hank's tribute take fails because he said 'big star' instead of 'big, big star' — insisting they reshoot it

Larry Sanders · Beverly:The surprise birthday party — Beverly: 'But I surprised you, didn't I?' / Larry: 'Oh my god. You did. You totally surprised me.'

Larry · Beverly:The surprise party: 'Surprise!' Larry: 'Beverly, didn't I ask you—' / 'I know.' / 'But I surprised you, didn't I?' / 'Oh my god, you did. You totally surprised me.'

Margaret · Beverly · Sharon:The temp agency confusion: Margaret greets Beverly, who confirms 'Yes, margaret, hi. Um... I'm margaret. / I'm Sharon. I'm from the temp agency.'

Beverly · Larry:Beverly tells Larry his agent is waiting at his 'regular secret spot'

Beverly · Phil · Staff:The staff hears the Stern broadcast. One staffer: 'He's taking us to New York.' Another: 'What if he's not taking all of us?' A third: 'That ass!'

Beverly · Hank Kingsley · Phil:The entire staff overhears Howard revealing the New York plan on the radio — Beverly insists 'that's pure speculation,' Hank says 'don't you think, if Larry's gonna take the show to New York, he'd tell me?'

Beverly:Beverly confronts Larry before the show: 'I just wanted to say thanks. For making me look like a liar in front of the entire staff. It was a real pleasure.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Beverly reveals she started smoking the night Larry left, and Larry asks to crack the window — which doesn't work

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry's confessional recruiting speech: 'I know that in the past I've been difficult to work for.' Beverly: 'Um-hum.' 'Insensitive.' 'Um-hum.' 'Disorganized.' 'Um-hum.' 'I know you don't feel that way.' [Beverly has been agreeing to all the bad things]

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry's assistant reveals she was never fired — she's still been getting a paycheck every week

Beverly · Larry:The newspaper being identified as the L.A. Times, not a tabloid, when Larry dismisses it as tabloid garbage

Larry · Beverly:'She's a nut. Look at that picture. You can see the craziness in her eyes.' / 'That's Shelley Long.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry asks Beverly to call Jason Alexander about Laker tickets but 'Don't let him know that I'm asking about it.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry can't remember the song he wants, tells Beverly to ask the Tower Records guy — then tries to sing it: '♪ dum dum dum ♪ ♪ nuum nuuum ♪'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Jason Alexander's Lakers tickets turn out to be 'loge' seats. Larry's reaction: 'The loge?' — repeated three times — then has Beverly cancel with an excuse.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:The tie color argument: Larry insists he said 'plum,' Beverly says he said 'peach.' Larry concedes 'maybe you said plum, but you said peach.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Beverly delivers mail and 'your ointment.' Larry: 'Tennis elbow. This is my tennis elbow ointment, right? Yes. Good. I wasn't gonna ask.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry won't talk to his father on the phone. Beverly urges him. Larry applies ointment and says: 'I'm getting relief already.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Beverly keeps calling Larry to pick up for his father. He dodges repeatedly — walking past doors, ignoring the phone — as she escalates: 'Larry. Pick it up.' 'Don't go out that door, Larry.'

Beverly:Beverly's workplace grievance list: scheduling, phone calls, family therapist, tie shopping, picking tomatoes out of his salad.

Artie · Beverly:Artie: 'Darling, the job is to keep our little host happy... whatever that takes.' Beverly: 'Well, sometimes I think it takes too much.' Artie: 'I thank you from the bottom of my heart for Larry's ma'am.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry trying on the sketch costume, Beverly: 'I swear, if I looked any fatter...' Larry: 'Oh, knock it off. You look terrific.'

Larry Sanders · Jason Alexander · Beverly:The Laker ticket manipulation: Larry discovers Jason has been upgraded from loge to front row next to Nicholson — suddenly his schedule clears; Beverly desperately tries to cover: 'Oh. I'm sor... you're not free... he can't make it.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Beverly's grievance speech interrupted by Larry: 'Listen. We have to change my ATM password, Beverly.' Beverly: 'Why?' 'Phil guessed it.' Beverly: 'And this is your son.' 'This is Billy Crystal.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Beverly is asked to hand Larry 'that pair of underwear over there' — and then asked to order more ('half this color, half black') — during a work meeting

Artie · Larry Sanders · Beverly:Artie: 'I thank you from the bottom of my heart for handing Larry his undies. Larry thanks you, too. Don't you?' Larry: 'Artie, please.'

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Beverly: 'All I know is it's the most frustrating thing in the world trying to please someone who doesn't appreciate anything you do.' Larry: 'That is exactly right.' — completely unaware she's talking about him

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Beverly confesses she took $1,500 from Larry's ATM, and enumerates the charges: driving to Encino for a paint chip on a Sunday, peach-colored ties, frozen yogurt at 7am ('the first batch out of the machine'), cleaning ointment applicators

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Beverly: 'I am tired of begging your father to come see the show so that you can feel good about yourself.' Larry: 'Did you ask my dad to come and see the show? What did he say?'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Beverly: 'Forget it, OK? Forget it.' Larry: 'Well, what is it? You want a raise? Is that it?' / 'This is not about money.' 'Well, if there's some job you're not comfortable doing, just ask the weird intern to do it.'

Larry · Paula · Beverly:Well, thank you. You're doing a great job. / What did Larry say to you that's got you so scared? / 'I really appreciate the effort you put into your job each day.' / Ooh, girl, you are fucked.

Paula · Beverly:I need you to prepare the potato lady interview questions. / I have no idea how to do that. / That has never stopped me before. / Just think of whatever you would ask a potato lady. / And that's all there is to it? / And put question marks at the end so Larry knows that they're questions.

Artie · Beverly · Artie:What were you thinking about with these potato questions? / I got to go. / What were you thinking of? / You know, Artie, I did eat a raw potato once, and the taste was quite unusual. I thought it was a good question.

Beverly:Beverly's morning update: Larry 'ran into the bathroom, slipped and fell, and hit his head on the john. It's a minor concussion, but it's serious enough to get those pain killers he's been after.'

Beverly · Hank:Beverly threatens to call Larry: 'You know he'll give me the go-ahead to kick your balls right out through the top of your head!' Hank: 'Oh, language!'

Hank · Beverly · Artie:Reaction beat: Hank goes silent after being corrected about 'maladroit.' Long pause before Beverly says 'Get Larry on the phone.'

Beverly · Artie:What exciting event has our important talk-show host been invited to? Just a little dinner with the president of the United States.

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Beverly walks in on the boys' crude talk and says 'Gentlemen, excuse me. Do you mind?' The response: 'Oh, Beverly, we're just boys talk. What the fuck?'

Beverly · Artie:Hank insists 'I'm getting some pussy at home.' Beverly protests the word 'pussy' and demonstrates: 'Pussy, pussy, I'm gonna go get me some pussy.' Artie: 'Well, when you say it that way, it takes the shine off it.'

Beverly · Hank Kingsley:Beverly: 'How would you like it if I talked about pussy, huh? Pussy, pussy, I'm gonna go get me some pussy. How would you like that?' / Hank: 'Well, when you say it that way, it takes the shine off it.'

Beverly · Artie:Beverly threatens to 'go get a job at a bank' and Artie fires back: 'Get some of that drive-through pussy.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:When the reporter asks if Larry took Sharon back to his place, Larry suddenly 'remembers' an emergency: calls Beverly to check on the Cadillac dealership, then an assistant reports 'something fell on Bobby on the stage.'

Beverly · Phil:Beverly walks in and protests the discussion: 'Gentlemen, please!' Phil: 'Look, he was being clinical. He didn't call it a woody.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry: 'Not me. Sharon and who? Sharon and who?' Beverly on intercom: 'Larry, she's on line 2.'

Larry Sanders · Diane · Beverly:The phone-call sequence: Larry is put on hold by an assistant, transferred to another assistant, then discovers Sharon is at Canyon Ranch — and each assistant apologizes and puts him on hold again.

Beverly:Beverly explains: 'Canyon Ranch is the female equivalent to Big Bear. She's blowing you off.' — a direct callback to the episode's opening exchange about Larry using Big Bear as an excuse.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry: 'I need to get out of this relationship. I need somebody who is not in show business. Someone who can nurture me.' Beverly: 'Larry, do you know I had this same exact conversation with both your ex-wives?'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry: '...well, that is a coincidence.' Beverly: 'Yeah, probably.'

Beverly · Diane:Beverly, in an extraordinary display of passive-aggressive diplomacy, calls Diane to break up with Sharon on Larry's behalf — telling Diane that Sharon feels she needs someone outside show business who can nurture her. Diane agrees.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:After Beverly handles the breakup, Larry: 'Are you ok?' Beverly: 'Yeah, I just hate confrontation.' Larry: 'Sure glad I'm out of that.'

Beverly · Hank Kingsley · Artie:Beverly: 'I hope we've learned our lesson.' Larry: 'You ok?' Hank: 'I can't believe she's out of our lives.' Artie: 'All right.'

Beverly · Artie:'We're still talking about Frank, right?' / 'Yes.'

Beverly:Beverly explains she had the melon cut in chunks 'the way he always likes it' but today he wanted it 'bald'

Beverly · Larry:Am I going too fast? / No, I'm just starting to realize I have about 6 months to live.

Larry · Beverly:This is about my personal beliefs, not money. [beat] The disabled voters coalition. When? Where? How much?

Larry · Beverly:What, are they kidding? No, that's what it says. Cheapskates. All right, call them. Tell them maybe if they send a helicopter. Otherwise, no dice.

Beverly · Hank · Larry:You have Alzheimer's on the 20th. Damn. Now, how much do they pay? Uh, 5,000. And the other people? 7,500. Good-bye, Alzheimer's.

Beverly · Hank:Hank, you've done Alzheimer's the last 5 years. You want to cancel because of money? For your information, miss smarty-pants, I've been thinking about dropping Alzheimer's. 5 years. Come on, guys. Where's the cure?

Hank · Beverly:The sun, the fun, the beach, the gambling... Wow. Feels good helping people, doesn't it? Yes, sir.

Beverly · Hank:Hank, that's so sad. / I really don't have nerve deafness. / I know. That's what's so sad.

Beverly · Hank:You can still help, Hank. The organizers felt awful and offered a seat at the head table. / Oh, nerve deafness this.

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:How many people... famous people... went number 2 tonight? / You don't have to tell me. / I'm just kidding.

Larry · Artie · Beverly:How did the nerve deafness dinner go? / Oh, fine. / You're a better man than I am. / I would have taken that 10 grand like... whoa. / They offered you 10 grand? / Yeah. / Beverly.

Beverly:And when I get stressed out, I retain water. Every year before the Emmys, I puff up like a fucking blowfish.

Artie · Beverly:How far did you and the fugitive get till your conscience caught up with you?

Larry · Beverly:'That is the recommended dosage.' / 'Yeah, for a 1,500-pound man.'

unnamed staffer · Beverly · unnamed staffer:They made me book him 'cause he's the only one who doesn't threaten Larry. / That's not nice. / He does so threaten Larry.

Beverly · Artie:Artie, number 1 on my job description is to keep Larry's secrets to myself. That's rule number 1. / What's rule number 2, filling his prescriptions as soon as possible?

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry calls Beverly at 2am to ask about a therapist. Beverly: 'Did letterman have Tom Hanks on again?' / 'Did Leno have the Ito dancers on again?'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry asks who Dr. Reisman sees. Beverly: 'Harrison Ford, Steve Martin, Michelle Pfeiffer.' Long pause. Larry: 'Who else?'

Beverly · Roseanne:Roseanne's message via Beverly: 'Tell that limp dick asshole if he wants to bump me he should have the balls to do it himself, or I'm going to come down there and beat his fat ass just the way he likes it.'

Beverly · Roseanne (via message):'Tell that limp dick asshole if he wants to bump me he should have the balls to do it himself, or I'm going to come down there and beat his fat ass just the way he likes it.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:There you are. Is that Chevy? / Yeah, you told him to stop by before the show. / Yeah, yesterday I did.

Beverly:that wendy bitch in charge of the audience... she's got her way in the hell up there where we put the retards.

Artie · Beverly:Having fun showing her around? / Artie, the woman is my mother.

Artie · Beverly:Beverly? / I'm coming, ma!

Larry · Beverly:Beverly, cancel the call to Ryan O'Neal, please. / Hmm? / Uh, sorry. Just cancel it.

Larry · Beverly:You told him that I didn't hear the message, right? / Yeah. / Good, good. / How bad was it? / Bad. Not as bad as the one he left me last year. / He's got this friend Nicolae. Whew. What a mouth on that one.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:What is he doing? / I thought Hank hated his father. / His old man abandoned him when he was 2.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Beverly. Yes. I want you to check and make sure that Hank's father really died.

Beverly:Well, I just wanna know when you're gonna have some black people on.

Beverly · Paula:Beverly panics that Jeannie Sanders is coming up in the elevator. Paula asks 'Jeannie who?' Beverly: 'Jeannie Sanders, Larry's ex-wife.'

Artie · Beverly:Artie to Beverly: 'Take over. Don't get drunk.'

Jeannie Sanders · Beverly:Jeannie looks at a photo on the wall: 'Who is this?' Beverly: 'That's Dana Delany. She was on China Beach.' Jeannie: 'I don't watch TV.'

Beverly · Writer:Beverly surprises the writers with a cappuccino machine: Larry 'felt bad that Artie stopped the cappuccino runs so he bought this.' Writer: 'If he feels so bad, why doesn't he pay for the cappuccino runs? He's got the money.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry burns his mouth on the new cappuccino machine. Beverly: 'Be careful, it's hot!' Larry: 'I told you it was hot.' Beverly: 'Oh, beverly always says it's hot, but it's never that fucking hot.' Beverly: 'Exactly, because we get the good kind from starbucks and they arrive at the perfect temperature.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:'Oh, Beverly always says it's hot, but it's never that fucking hot.' / 'Exactly, because we get the good kind from Starbucks and they arrive at the perfect temperature.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Triple espresso. Because I seem a little sluggish, don't I? No. No, not at all. Just drink it up. Oh, because I'm sluggish, I should... no, because if I had just done a long show, I'd want a triple espresso. Right. What do you mean long?

Larry Sanders · Beverly:We have to go through the J. Crew catalog. Oh, but Larry, I have to call the nutritionist. I mean, look at you. You're falling apart.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:You remember that summer we hired Sheldon's son and we caught him in the Xerox room with a copy of Hustler? Remember what he was doing? Yeah, I know. I found him.

Cully · Beverly:Blueberry, maple cream, pumpkin cheesecake, chocolate pudding, and chocolate nut fudge. How 'bout you, cutie pie? Yogurt?

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Well, somebody should talk to Artie. Well, I'm rehearsing, so I can't talk to him. Oh, you're rehearsing. Yeah, I'm rehearsing a sketch.

Beverly · Larry Sanders · Cully:I was going to tell you what a groovy new look that is for you. Yeah, thanks. Appreciate it. By the way, I gotta get my bong back.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Tell him I'm uncomfortable around new people. Yeah, tell him that, uh... that you're uncomfortable around new people... that you don't like anyone who's younger than you, that you're still mad about that 'queer's delight' crack. Just tell him the new people part.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Isn't tampering with the mail a felony? Yeah, well, he's Artie's son.

Larry · Beverly:Larry, still in cape: 'Does my ass look all right in this?' / 'I'm not qualified to answer that.' / Larry: 'Well, you have a bad angle there. Beverly?'

Hank · Beverly:So the MacGyver thing's over? Kaput.

Larry · Beverly:'Beverly, I think it's time we sent that memo out again... the one about people not talking to you first thing in the morning?'

Larry · Beverly:Larry receives fan mail containing men's underwear — and the implication that it's a regular occurrence from the same male sender

Larry · Beverly · Artie:'No, my interior designer's named Bryn Mawr' / 'Oh, Bob told me he makes a lot more money using that name.' / 'Pretentious prick.'

Artie · Beverly:Larry has been lying under a pillow for 3+ hours without moving — it's now close to showtime

Beverly · Larry:Beverly forgot to send the memo — again — and Larry discovers this mid-conversation with Phil about the memo

Larry · Beverly:Larry walks up to his agent's meeting in progress and won't be told who it's with — 'I would like to know who he's in a meeting with and I would like to talk to him'

Larry · Beverly:Larry reverses his tile decision — this time choosing the CHEAPER one — immediately after the financial crisis

Beverly · Larry · Artie:Frank has been run over by 'some nut who drove up on the sidewalk'

Beverly:Tell her to clean around me.

Beverly · partner:Oh. Warner's not gonna happen today. / Hey, sweetie, do you have to smoke the second you get up? / Yes, sweetie, I do. I'm an addict.

Beverly · Paula:I don't even know why you go out with the guy, Paula. / I just do. I like him. / I know you don't 'cause you think he's rude on the phone. / Yes, he is. Because I have a name and he never uses it. / Who, Larry? / No, that Stevie.

Beverly:Ah. What, is he only taking 10% of your love?

Beverly · Paula:Oh, there's trouble in paradise. / So, is he running from commitment? / Are you making fun of me? / No, I'm not. Are you running from commitment? / You're making fun of me. / No. I just want to make sure that he's meeting your needs.

Stevie · Phil · Beverly:Hey, doll. Phil. / I'm gone.

Andy Kindler · Beverly:I'm Andy Kindler. / Oh, my God, Andy. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you. / Well, maybe you don't recognize me 'cause I'm a comic who never gets on TV. And why? Well, basically, thanks to people like you, that's why.

Paula · Beverly:Andy, do you know Beverly? / Mmm... excuse me. / I'm gonna go and eat up the rest of my cookie.

Paula · Beverly:Paula ignores a good morning greeting, Beverly repeats it, and Paula snaps: 'God! Don't be a prick about it.'

Paula · Beverly:Paula reveals she has a lump in her breast, then immediately adds: 'No-no-no. Don't hug, because then it feels serious and cancerous. And please stop staring at my tits.'

Artie · Beverly · Staff:Staff member panics that Beverly left Larry's office door 'completely vulnerable' during his massage. Another says Brett Butler is in there. First response: 'I think Brett Butler's in there.' — which immediately deflates the urgency.

Beverly:Beverly has her biopsy result — benign fibroid — and jokes: 'So I say, hoist another cup of joe to Lumpy.'

Staff Member · Beverly:'There's, like, no smoking in the office, dipshit.' — 'Fuck you. I'm, like, alive, dipshit.'

Artie · Beverly:Artie's gay-dar pronouncements: 'The black security guard? Gay. Fat grip? Gay.' / 'He's married.' / 'Yeah, to a big lesbian.'

Paula · Beverly · New Water Man:Paula asked Sean to dinner by offering him a Coke after his 'water cooler exertions.' He said yes. Then: the water man has a girlfriend and the unzipped trip was 'pretty boring' — he's heterosexual and boring.

Beverly:'How could he be thirsty? He's the water man.'

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:The Hank fan club embezzlement: Hank insists the Acapulco trip money was spent on 'the Hank Kingsley fan club newsletter.' / 'OK, repeat after me: I used that money to pay for the Hank Kingsley fan club newsletter.'

Harlan Wilcox · Beverly:Harlan looks at Beverly (a Black woman) and says: 'So you got the coloreds working here, huh?'

Hank Kingsley · Beverly · Harlan Wilcox:Beverly's/Hank's reaction beat after Harlan's racist comment — a full beat of horrified silence before Harlan cheerfully asks 'So, when do we go on TV?'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:'And then we could have a nosy black secretary.' Beverly's reaction: 'Oh, and who's gonna play that part?' Larry: 'Oh come on. You'll be great. You can do that black thing you always do.'

Beverly:Beverly whispers 'Nosy black secretary' to herself after the meeting ends

Beverly · Artie:Beverly: 'It's always the black woman that gets screwed.' Artie: 'Beverly, please do not play the race card.' Beverly: 'Excuse me?'

Artie · Beverly:Artie's sailing metaphor: 'We've veered off course, now we've come about. The wind is in our sails.' Beverly: 'Oh come on, Artie! Don't give me your country club metaphor bullshit!'

Beverly:Beverly: 'I told everybody I know that I was going to be on television. I even got my legs waxed.'

Beverly · Larry Sanders · Clyde:Larry, this is my cousin Clyde from Baltimore.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:9:00? That's too late. / I can change it to 8:00. / 8:30? / Well... 8:30. / 9:00 sounds right.

Beverly:They have an umbrella cockatoo that already says, 'hello, daddy.'

Clyde · Beverly:White liberals... / White hypocrites! — shouted in the backstage area as Beverly desperately tries to hush Clyde

Beverly · Clyde:Close enough? [Beverly and Clyde exchange a look after Larry asks her to lace his shoes]

Phil · Beverly:Yeah, of course. I count many black writers among my closest friends. / Then why don't we have any black writers working here? / Oh, well, Larry won't hire them... as Larry said, in the super-secret memo, 'If it ain't white, it ain't right.'

Beverly · Victoria Principal:Do you have skincare products for black people? / Yes. I mean my products are for everybody, all races. / People always say that, but, you know, when I put the stuff on my face, I break out.

Beverly:Well, if you mean can he make a salami telescope, yeah, I think so.

Beverly:Black people will never have as much experience as white people because up till 10 years ago, black people had no props.

Beverly:Beat after 'I would like some yogurt' — Beverly's reaction, implied silent stare

Beverly:Tell him I went out to get his yogurt.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Listen, Victoria Principal just gave me all these haircare products and gels and creams and so forth, and I want you to have them, OK?

Beverly:Thanks. Are you quitting?

Beverly · Larry Sanders:I was gonna talk to you about that tomorrow. / Instead you just bring it up right here in the middle of the show?

Larry Sanders · Beverly · Unknown guest:What do you mean you're gonna lose your identity? What does that mean? / Are you two married?

Beverly:Sometimes I get so confused and it's like, 'Am I over there because I'm doing a good job. Do they even respect me over there, or am I just a token?'

Beverly · Larry Sanders · Artie:Beverly's letter: 'I remember the first day I interviewed for the job with you. I came to your office, and you were wearing genie pants and a turban.'

Larry · Beverly:Larry tells Beverly he'll hire her cousin Clyde for the prop job. 'I checked wpjp. It's a great station.'

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Laurence Fishburne doesn't make me laugh. / That's why we haven't had him on.

Beverly:I have been working so hard today on this Barbie doll. I made her these 5 monster dinosaur outfits, and it was so difficult 'cause they're so little.

Beverly:I have to get Larry birdseed and a cuttlefish, and I have to order him some of those new underpants, the ones that won't leave a line when he's wearing his tennis shorts.

Clyde · Beverly:Well, this is working out pretty well, don't you think? I mean, he's doin' a good job. / Would you shut up, Clyde?

Beverly · Larry Sanders · Artie:Um, Larry, I have a favor to ask you. / Oh, excuse me. What? / Artie? Artie? / Um, it's about Clyde. / Oh, what now? / Is there any way we could get rid of him? / No.

Beverly:We have a new intern, and I know how it scares you when you see someone new, so would you like to say hello to her?

Beverly:Don't think of her as a person. Just think of her as an employee.

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Did you nod? / Oh! I was just stretching. / I saw you nod. You nodded.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:You know, I, uh, never partied like this when I was that age, by the way. / Uh, Larry, I'm not cleaning this up. / Hey, they let O.J. go, didn't they? Come on. Isn't that enough? / Ha ha. Too mu... too far?

Beverly:You went out with her parents? That must have been nice. You didn't have to drive.

Beverly:Nothin'. What? / No, I... I'm not gonna say anything unless I get total immunity.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry: 'What was that? What was that sound?' / 'Why don't you just say what's on your mind?'

Beverly:Larry, I think you should grow up and get involved in an adult relationship. No, not this father/daughter bizarro thing that you're doing here.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:I think you're absolutely right. I think it's sick. / If you don't get your life together, you're gonna be a complete freakin' mess.

Beverly · Artie · Larry Sanders:You shouldn't be laughing. / She's talking about you. / No... Larry, I'm really talking to you.

Beverly:I didn't get interesting until after my first marriage, and then I was so fucking interesting, I couldn't get out of bed for a month.

Beverly:That is such bullshit. You are feeling guilty, and you're giving yourself way too much credit. You don't have any reason to feel guilty. She's fine. She's having a great time over there.

Beverly:Well, he's a fucking asshole. He won't be on the show anymore. Don't have him on your show anymore.

Brian · Beverly · Staff:Staff robotically responding to Gloria Steinem's arrival: 'We love our guests.' 'We love Larry.' 'I love my job.' — triggered like Pavlovian responses mid-greeting

Hank · Beverly · Gloria Steinem:Hank, they need to see you in wardrobe. / Just one minute. / They need to see you in wardrobe. / And I'll tell you why. Women, thank God, are now equal with men, and... although, I gotta tell you, I think men are just a little stronger... [long pause]

Beverly · Larry · Beverly:Oh, God. Look at you. / Do I look good? I look good, huh? / See, this is why I would never have plastic surgery. / Oh, come on. You had your eyes done. / Oh, please. I did not. / You start tightening up your face, it just makes your ass look enormous.

Beverly · Artie:Larry must not see this article. / Oh, I'm way ahead of you. I'm on my way to his house. / Oh, let's go. I'll... take my car. / I'll drive. We'll use the siren.

Larry · Beverly:Who the fuck planted this? / It's Sandra's manager, Larry. She's evil and fat and she wants your show.

Larry · Beverly:Larry arrives at the studio in sunglasses, paranoid. Beverly: 'Who the fuck planted this?' — apparently about paparazzi or press.

Beverly:Beverly explains the play closed because 'in the middle of the second act, a car flew off the freeway, crashed through the wall of the theater, and took out the first couple of rows. Fortunately, no one was there.'

Artie · Beverly:Artie: 'Well, he sure seems to be handling it pretty well.' Beverly: 'Oh, he's on crack.'

Larry · Artie · Beverly:What were Sandra Bernhard's ratings? / Um... 3-8. / Mm-hmm. And Larry's? / 3-8. / But Sandra got a younger demographic.

Beverly · Artie:Beverly on the phone with her mom while the staff is in crisis mode over the Tom Shales review

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Hank asks Beverly to read him the review again and again while claiming to sympathize with Larry

Beverly · Hank Kingsley · Artie:Beverly reveals that Artie told her she couldn't bring her pastor to the show, while Hank's rabbi is being given a full tour.

unnamed staff member · Beverly:I'm so relieved that Hank's finally come out. / What do you mean? / Well, don't you remember at last year's Christmas party? He insisted on being Santa Claus and then he made sure that everybody saw that he was eating the ham. He even made sure that he left early for midnight mass.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Somebody has been sitting in my chair. / Did they also eat your porridge, too? / You know, like Goldilocks and the three bears.

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:What is that scent? That is wonderful. What is that? / Eternity. / It's wonderful.

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Beverly, would you like to, uh... / What? / Never mind. / No, what. / Nothing.

Brian · Phil · Beverly:Oh, I know. / Phil: fuck this. I need to make more money. / Oh, dear god.

Beverly · Mary Lou:Oh — oh, there I am! Oh, those jerks. They spelled my name wrong. Oh, that— / Trollop! / Yeah, he is.

Beverly · Brian:Look at this. That's Hank. / That's your salary?! / Yeah, that's my salary, but look at Hank's salary. Oh, my god! I can't believe that guy. He said he was broke. He's been borrowing money from me.

Brian · Beverly:I — I make $5.00 more a week than you make? / Yeah. I mean, don't you think you should make a little bit more than me? / Yeah, but I only make $5.00 more than you. / In a year, that's $250.

Brian · Beverly:Oh, well, Beverly, um, I was with La Streisand for 5 years, and I had high salary quotes. / And besides, I work really hard for Hank. / I don't care. I do everything for Larry. He's a big baby. / Oh, really? Have you ever waxed Larry's back? Have you ever poked around in Great Dane shit looking for a ring?

Agent · Phil · Beverly:Well, wait a minute. Are you — did — you're saying a lesbian can have sex with a man? / Yeah. Best piece of ass I ever had. / Really? / I need to make more money.

Artie · Beverly:What's going on, Beverly? / I can't even hear Larry above the rustling of papers. / What do you mean? / I think you know what I mean. / I just happened to pick up a copy of my budget yesterday, and it smelled remarkably like Chanel Number 5... A fragrance which I believe you wear.

Beverly · Artie:Please don't make me do that. They'll all hate me. Of course they will, Sweetie. And that's why, my dearest, you make $5.00 a week more than Brian. Skiddoo!

Artie · Beverly:This is what you're going to do. You're going to tell the entire staff and crew that this year we'll be shooting shows all through Christmas week, including Christmas eve. / Is that true? / No, but by the time they find out, they will have forgotten all about the fucking budget. / Please don't make me do that. They'll all hate me. / Of course they will, sweetie. And that's why, my dearest, you make $5.00 a week more than Brian. Skiddoo!

Beverly · Worker 1 · Worker 2:You know what Beverly just told me? / What? / We have to work Christmas week. / What?! No way. I'm going home Christmas week. I'm flying home! / No. / Well, you're not going home now.

Beverly:Men just don't find women funny, but I'm funny. I'm funny all day long around Larry. / You know, I hid my tampons because somebody was stealing them. Now I can't remember where I hid them.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:There's tampons in my desk drawer. / These are Beverly's. / Beverly. / Yeah, Lar? / Are these your tampons in my desk drawer? / Oh, my God. That's where I hid them.

Larry Sanders · Beverly · Wendy Trastron:Were those your jokes? / No. They were mine. / No, they're not. / Wendy, are those your jokes? / Uh, yeah. / Funny. You guys are funny.

Keith · Beverly:Then why did you give him Wendy's? / Because she is new and she needed my help.

Keith · Beverly:I have prostate cancer. / Thanks.

Keith · Beverly:Keith announces 'Beverly. I have prostate cancer.' — Beverly says 'Thanks.'

Beverly · Hank:Beverly to Hank: Brian broke up with 'David' / Hank: 'David?' / Beverly: 'His boyfriend, Hank.'

Hank · Beverly:Hank: 'The studios used to make sure that Rock Hudson was seen in the company of beautiful women all the time. That way people would know that he was a romantic leading man.' / Beverly: 'Rock Hudson was gay.'

Beverly:Beverly's reaction to the Rock Hudson revelation moment: 'I'll get right on this.' — immediately moving on to execute Hank's now-undermined plan

Beverly:Beverly's reaction shot when she sees Charlie — 'Oh, my God.' — followed by a pause and 'I'm sorry'

Phil · Beverly · Charlie:Phil doesn't realize Charlie is from the One Wish Foundation until told — then overcorrects with 'Oh, yeah, yeah! Hey, how's it going there?'

Unknown Staffer · Beverly:'The kid creeps me out.' / 'It's really hard to be around someone who's ill.' / 'No, I don't give a shit about that. I just think it's weird someone's last wish is to meet Larry.'

Beverly · Mary Lou:Mary Lou is standing near the parking space area, appears to be crying or emotionally compromised — Beverly's explanation: 'She has a lot of personal problems, sweetheart.'

Tonya Bailey · Charlie · Beverly:The People reporter asks if Charlie has met Larry yet — he hasn't — she's surprised; Beverly pretends she was 'just taking Charlie to meet Larry'

Beverly · Mary Lou · Artie:Beverly and Mary Lou defending themselves to Artie for letting the reporter catch them — Beverly's speech: 'we have covered every damn inch of this building and we ran out of ideas'

Beverly · Charlie:Charlie and Beverly are smoking one of Hank's cigars backstage — Beverly: 'I just have really bad allergies this time of year.'

Beverly · Charlie:'I can't believe Hank gave you a cojiba robusto. These rock.' — Beverly, cigarette in hand, to the sick child

Beverly · Charlie:'Oh, I never smoked a cigar before.' / 'How old are you?' / '14.' — pause — 'You know... I was 14 when I smoked my first cigar.'

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Charlie being rushed to the hospital stops the fight: 'Charlie's sick. We got to get him to the hospital.' — then Hank asks: 'Who's that kid?'

Artie · Beverly · Mary Lou:Post-show: Artie learns Charlie got sick because 'someone let him smoke one of Hank's cigars' — and it was 'only a couple of puffs'

Beverly:'The important thing is that Charlie had a good time. He's a great kid. At least we were able to make him happy for one day.'

Beverly:Beverly's non-reaction to the chaos: "He's just thanking her for doing the show." — delivered over what is clearly a much more chaotic scene

Artie · Beverly:Beverly asks if the new hire worked out — 'How'd that guy turn out?' / 'Ooh, um... good. I still got a job?'

Laura Leighton · Beverly:"So Larry asked me to move in with him." / "Oh, and are you going to?" / "I don't know. It's too fast. I'm just not sure that I'm ready to... be in a relationship with someone in show business." [pause] "You're in show business." / "Exactly."

Beverly · Artie:Beverly's 'I'm so glad you're back. I'm so glad you're back.' — genuine warmth that undercuts Artie's tragic self-pity

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry asks if the visitor is 'the Korean woman from the commissary' upon hearing the name 'Michelle Hollaway'

Beverly:Beverly: 'You don't see me setting up fake meetings just to meet Ed Asner.'

Phil · Beverly:Phil: 'Beverly, kiss my ass.' Beverly: 'You show it bare.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry: asked about a raffle ticket, says 'Oh, sure. How much is it?' / 'Twenty bucks.' / 'Twenty bucks? I hope it's a day of beauty.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry complains about money missing from his wallet after the raffle ticket setup, leading to Beverly thinking he just doesn't want to buy a ticket.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry notices 'love' written on his headshots and demands to know who did it. The answer: Beverly, 'for the affiliates.'

Beverly · Phil · Jennette's Agent:Jennette's agent shows up demanding a script for the 'meeting' that Phil invented. Beverly: 'Boggles the mind, Mr. Rindels.'

Artie · Beverly:Beverly, you know, get her a ticket. / What should I wear? Is it formal? / Oh, my God, girl, if you're going to a roast, I gotta take you shopping, teach you how to dress.

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Larry looks at the script Beverly is reading. She says 'I don't usually hear that until my pants are off.'

Alex · Beverly:Alex asks for a video cassette of the show by 'tomorrow' so she can give it to her agent. Beverly, mid-cheerful-agreement, freezes when she processes this.

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Beverly tells Larry the 'Hey Now' license plates he wanted are taken. The alternatives offered include: 'Hey Not, Haystack, Hey Mama, Hair Now.'

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Beverly tells Larry: 'Winona Ryder's never done a nude scene.' Larry laughs uproariously.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry points to a woman in what turns out to be a Visine ad and asks if they can book her on the show.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry's pitch for the Visine woman: 'I can ask her how she got that thing in her eye. Maybe it's, uh—' Beverly: 'And she can wear whatever she wants.'

Artie · Beverly · Hank Kingsley:Hank forces Beverly to reveal that Phil doesn't just imitate Artie — 'he captures you.' Artie: 'He captures me?' Beverly: 'Yeah. Captures you.'

Beverly:Beverly's response to Hank's 'I am Hank fucking Kingsley' eruption: 'That's what I was saying.'

Beverly:Beverly admits she has a meeting with Leno — then reveals she told everyone she was going to the doctor.

Phil · Beverly:Phil describing his sitcom: 'It's funny. It's-- But it's not like a regular "Ha ha" sitcom. There's no laugh track, there's no audience. It's a single camera. Very stylized. It's about a bunch of guys in a ska band in seattle. Very dark.' / 'Dark like Friends?'

Beverly · Artie:Most people just mount them on a wall. / Well, I was writing with it.

Hank · Beverly:Hank corners Beverly, fishing for information about what Larry gave Artie. Beverly: 'I hear Larry, uh, gave you a— a gift or— or some such thing.' Hank probing in barely concealed desperation.

Beverly · Hank:Beverly lies to Hank: 'Larry didn't give me anything.' Then, aside: 'And it's really— it's sort of driving me crazy.'

Hank · Beverly:Beverly finally tells Hank it was 'just a little piece of shit travel clock.' Hank considers this. Then: 'He's such a cheap fucker.'

Artie · Beverly:Artie pulls Beverly aside: 'What I have to tell you is of the utmost confidence. I don't want anyone to know about it. Larry must never know about it.' [full covert briefing about a pen]

Artie · Beverly:You know that pen? Where'd you get it? / Uh, in the supply closet. / Are we not supposed to do that anymore?

Artie · Beverly:Artie, moved, tells Beverly why he lost the pen: 'He bought me a present? It's the first time in 9 years.' [Artie tears up]

Artie · Beverly:Beverly, behind the scenes, finds the replacement pen has cost $10,000. Artie: 'Do you know how much this pen cost? I'm so relieved I don't care whether it cost 10 thou.'

Beverly:Beverly: 'It cost $10,000. I had to max out my visa.' Larry (on monitor): '...' Beverly: 'It's just a fucking pen.' Beverly: 'What's it filled with, dinosaur sperm?'

Artie · Beverly:'That means Larry spent 10 thou on me.' / 'Apparently so, and now you're spending it on you.'

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Immediately after cursing Vince Vaughn, Hank pivots to giving his assistant Beverly a series of ultra-specific car care instructions: 'Don't let that toothless Ukrainian guy near it. Only give the keys to Caro! And don't forget to tip him 2 bucks.'

Beverly · Mary Lou:Beverly reveals she hit Hank's car — but she's in a completely different parking lot.

Beverly · Mary Lou:Beverly describing Hank's car: 'It was really big and foreign, kind of like a big boat.' Mary Lou: 'You hit his Bentley.' Beverly: 'Is that bad?'

Beverly · Hank Kingsley:Beverly is unable to confess to Hank while he's ranting about his car, and she flatters him about the 'Shabad' telethon. Hank corrects her: 'It's Chabad.' Beverly: 'Oh, Chabad, of course. It was great.'

Beverly:Beverly confesses she has '5 or 6' accidents a year, then self-corrects: 'Or 7. Sometimes I get in-- It was 7 this year.'

Beverly · Hank Kingsley:Beverly compliments Hank's physique: 'Well, you're in great shape. That's probably why. From all that dancing.' Hank: 'Thanks. Keep it up.'

Artie · Beverly · Larry Sanders:Beverly tries to tell Hank she hit his car during a meeting; instead says 'You know, fellas, from the bottom of what's left of my heart...' — addressed to Beverly, then looks at her — 'Take care of this.'

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Hank mistakes Beverly's confession attempt for a romantic declaration: 'I didn't recognize it before now. You got a crush on me.'

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Hank: 'Well, now that the hard part's out of the way, um, would you have dinner with me tonight?' Beverly: [Great.]

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Hank tells Beverly he wants her to 'find some dog shit, take it over to the Fox lot, and smear it on Vince Vaughn's car.'

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Beverly: 'What do you think?' Hank: 'All right. I'll do it myself.'

Mary Lou · Beverly:Mary Lou asks Beverly: 'Do you have a crush on this guy?' Beverly: 'No!' Mary Lou: 'Then why else aren't you telling him?'

Beverly · Mary Lou:Beverly: 'I don't like guys like Hank. I like sensitive guys like musicians.' Mary Lou: 'Marylou, he is planning to put dog poop on Vince Vaughn's car.' Beverly: 'Or painters. I like painters.'

Beverly · Hank Kingsley:Beverly: 'Aren't you supposed to have stuff to dip in it?' Hank: 'Ah, no. I don't think so.'

Artie · Larry Sanders · Beverly:Artie/Beverly try to change the channel away from Larry's interview; Artie: 'Here, drink up.' Larry: 'No, no, I don't want anymore.' Artie: 'Let's see what else is on.' Larry: 'What are you doing?'

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Hank watches Larry cry on TV and laughs: 'Larry, what are you doing? I gotta record this!' while Beverly watches horrified.

Maureen · Larry Sanders · Beverly · Hank Kingsley:Maureen on the Extra interview: 'You're joking sort of, but I think underneath there, you really do hurt.' Long beat. Then Beverly: 'I hit your car.'

Mary Lou · Beverly:Mary Lou's first question after learning Beverly is pregnant: 'Who's the father?' Her second: 'It's not Larry, is it?'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry wanders into the kitchen looking for a protein shake, finds Beverly in a private moment. He suggests she come in earlier (or stay later) to make protein shakes pre-emptively. Beverly: 'Larry, I'm in this office already for 12 hours. If you think I'm gonna come in even a minute early, I think you're out of your mind, because I have a life, OK?'

Phil · Beverly:Phil asks Beverly out to dinner. Beverly: 'I'm pregnant.' Phil: 'Hey, the more, the merrier.'

Michael Bolton · Beverly · Eriq La Salle:Michael Bolton performs 'The Best of Love' while in the background Beverly and Eriq La Salle have their explosive confrontation about the pregnancy — cutting between the soppy love song and the actual drama.

Eriq La Salle · Beverly:La Salle's response to Beverly telling him she's pregnant: 'Yes! Thank you!' — then immediately backpedaling.

Beverly · Eriq La Salle:Beverly: 'I just told you I'm pregnant, and THIS is how you react? You're directing a film?' La Salle's attempt to spin his unavailability as being focused on 'doing the right thing' ends with Beverly: 'Let me help you out there. Just keep on doing what you've been doing — nothing.'

Char (psychic) · Artie · Beverly:'Your mother, did she have dark hair, and was there an A in her name?' / 'How did you know that?' / 'Adele?' / 'See?'

Artie · Beverly · Wendy:Artie/Beverly forcing Wendy to audition her material in the bathroom, announced as 'Ladies and gentlemen, Wendy Trastin!'

Beverly · Wendy:Beverly's reaction: no laugh, then defending Bill Cosby's dentist routine while Wendy's jokes go unacknowledged

Beverly · Wendy:'I'm in a fucking bathroom, Mary. I'm just doing my job.' / 'Fine. Why don't we start from the top by the fucking tampon dispenser?!'

Beverly · Wendy:The post-show revelation: Beverly didn't advocate for Wendy when Artie asked — 'I told him I don't know. I was afraid.'

Beverly · Brian:Beverly to Brian: 'Well, I was born Black.' [pause] Brian: 'What? What does that mean?' Beverly: 'Well, you chose to be gay.'

Beverly:Beverly invites Brian to church: 'Maybe you should come to church with me on Sunday. No, really. Maybe that'll work out your problem.'

Beverly:Beverly invites Brian to church on Sunday to 'work out your problem'

Hank Kingsley · Beverly:Beverly is crying, and the staff is exasperated. Hank: 'Come on. You're gonna get me started, and, believe me, nobody needs to see that.' Then immediately: 'You should've seen me at the end of Titanic. You think those people in the water were wailing?'

Beverly:Beverly's new job: 'I'm gonna be the contestant coordinator for Jeopardy.' — 'I get to spend all day asking a bunch of fucking eggheads if they know anything about the Monroe Doctrine.'

Beverly:Beverly: 'Hank offered me a job. $300 a week with no benefits.' Pause. 'I'm sorry.' 'I'm thinking of taking it.'