Beverly Barnes

Beverly:Paula says Robert Hays is booked on the show tonight... but he fell in the shower and he's seeing shapes and colors and stuff.

Beverly · Hank:Do you want me to make Spade fall in love with me, then hurt him? He can.

Beverly:By the way, Lenny and Squiggy say hi.

Beverly:Intimacy.

Beverly:Now I'm sorry I made copies of this for everybody.

Larry · Beverly · Larry · Larry:This can't possibly be number 7 for 45 seconds. / I know, Larry, but I got distracted for a moment. / By what? / Beverly, I want to know. What could be more important than my burrito?

Beverly · Paula:He's the star of the show, Paula. - No duh, Beverly.

Beverly:It's sweeps. We have Schwarzenegger, Roseanne without the husband. We also have Julia Roberts. We have Cher, Aerosmith, the US Olympic basketball stars.

Beverly:They fired the guard who wouldn't let you in this morning.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:You've gotta stop letting that man pluck your nerves the way you do. Maybe you're right. "Pluck your nerves." Is that a black thing?

Beverly · Larry Sanders:You're such an idiot. But the homosexual community likes me.

Beverly · Larry:Why do you put her through? Larry, you called her. Oh, that's right.

Larry · Beverly:Do I have trouble prioritizing emotional commitments? Oh, please, don't ask me. I haven't had a healthy relationship since junior high.

Beverly:He's been working on them since 1989.

Beverly:You're 42. Don't push so hard.

Larry · Beverly:This heart attack is a warning. It was a heart episode. You know what I mean.

Beverly:And she took the dog.

Paula · Beverly:And, we-- I should never have a xanax and wine-- Oh, gosh, me neither.

Beverly · Darlene:Like Larry would date a sister? I don't think so.

Darlene · Beverly:[Whispers] Never mind. Oh, god. It's me.

Beverly · Artie:Red alert, Artie. Why? Larry is talking to Francine. Oh, Jesus! I'll call you back. Who let the crazy bitch in here? She's gonna fuck him up for weeks.

Beverly:A little chocolate never hurt anybody.

Beverly:I thought he used something else.

Beverly · Larry:You mean Rebecca Arthur. Why? Yeah.

Beverly:'Adrienne Barbeau'! Why, you no-good, star-screwing bastard! Get the hell out of here!

Beverly · Larry:No more than usual. Wait a minute. What's the usual?

Larry · Beverly:You want me to hire a taster? No. We don't need to hire a taster. Just have that weird intern do it.

Larry · Stevie · Beverly:Beverly, this is Stevie Grant. Hi. Beverly, my assistant. The voice on the phone.

Beverly · Stevie:Coming from an agent, I'll take that with a grain of salt. Look out. She's a sassy one.

Stevie · Beverly:Look out. She's a sassy one. / I beg your pardon?

Stevie · Beverly:She's a client. She's a big pain in the ass. She's very nice.

Stevie · Beverly · Stevie:She's a big pain in the ass. She's very nice. Well, she's an actress.

Hank · Beverly:Ok, ok, ok. Now, what's funny about that? Tell Melanie 5:30 instead of 6:00.

Beverly · Larry:Hank fired his agent this afternoon. Because he thinks that Stevie's gonna represent him, right?

Beverly:There's only two seasons in this city-- rainy and riot.

Beverly:A little rain, and this whole town shuts down. They said he has the flu. Bullshit.

Beverly · Staff:He's not in yet. I know he's not in yet. Hank wants to know Where Larry is. He's not in yet. Is he sick? I don't know. Where's Larry? He's not in yet.

Larry · Beverly:I like the sound Of the banging And then the bell. Or do you prefer The bell and then The banging?

Beverly · Larry · Artie:Don't you have to be working longer than three days to qualify for the health plan? I don't know. Artie! No health plan! [Door slams]

Phil · Beverly:You know, the more I hear about this, It sounds to me Like there's Little difference Between Hank And the amazing clifford. Clifford probably Dresses better.

Phil · Beverly:They were on her desk In a big envelope With a playboy Bunny on it. We just thought It was a new issue.

Party guests · Beverly · Larry:Surprise! Beverly, didn't I ask you-- I know. But I surprised you, didn't I?

Margaret · Beverly · Sharon:You must be Beverly. Yes, margaret, hi. Um... I'm margaret. I'm sharon. I'm from the temp agency.

Beverly:I believe that's a product.

Larry · Artie · Beverly:Whoa. Ooh. [All chuckling]

Beverly:The liebowitz bar mitzvah Is booked that week.

Beverly · Artie:What are you listed under, Hank or Kingsley? Or hey, now?

Beverly:For making me Look like a liar In front of The entire staff. It was A real pleasure.

Beverly · Larry:But you never fired me. I didn't? No. Your business manager gives me a paycheck every week.

Larry · Beverly:Call Jason Alexander, and ask him if the... would you hold for a moment? Would you ask him if the laker tickets he has are floor seats? And don't let him know that I'm asking about it.

Beverly · Larry:He said it would help if you knew the name of the song or the artist. I just can't get it. I heard it on the radio. Well, sing it. It's a woman... ♪ dum dum dum ♪ ♪ nuum nuuum ♪ you sing it to him.

Beverly · Larry:Jason Alexander's seats are in the loge. The loge? Yes. In the loge. In the loge? The loge.

Larry · Beverly:These are too pastel-ish. Well, you're the one who said peach. No, I said, uh, plum. Tch. No, you didn't say plum. I said plum. I heard... OK. Well, maybe you said plum, but you said peach.

Larry · Beverly:Tennis elbow. This is my tennis elbow ointment, right? Yes. Good. I wasn't gonna ask.

Beverly · Larry:Oh, yeah, your father called. What does he want this time? I don't know. Well, would you handle it for me? Larry, sooner or later you're gonna have to talk to the man. No, I don't. I'm getting relief already.

Beverly · Artie:He's going out tonight, right? Yeah. Dinner with Carrie Fisher. Remind him to wipe the rectumin from his elbow.

Artie · Beverly:I hope you're not badgering our Larry. He's a grown man, sweetie. If he doesn't want to talk to his daddy, he doesn't have to. Do you think I enjoy chasing him down, Artie?

Beverly:Well, when I came here, when I took this job, I came here under the assumption that I was to do his schedule and return his phone calls, not play family therapist and do his tie shopping and pick the tomatoes out of his salad.

Artie · Beverly:Darling, the job is to keep our little host happy... whatever that takes. Well, sometimes I think it takes too much. And do you think it would kill him if he could just say thank you just once? I thank you from the bottom of my heart for Larry's ma'am.

Jason Alexander · Larry · Beverly:We had these crappy loge seats, and ovitz calls me, and he's giving us front row seats right next to nicholson. Di-did you say Wednesday? Really? No, no, it's Thursday. Oh. You know what? You're free on Thursday. Good. Oh. I'm in.

Beverly · Larry:All I know is it's the most frustrating thing in the world trying to please someone who doesn't appreciate anything you do. That is exactly right.

Beverly:I know who stole your money.

Beverly · Larry:I know. I took it. You took it. Yes, I took it. If you wanted to know why, why didn't you ask me, and I would have told you.

Beverly:Because 3 months ago, you had me drive to encino looking for a paint chip from your decorator. I spent 3 hours in traffic, Larry. That's 3 hours for a paint chip, so I charged you.

Beverly:It was on a Sunday, Larry! Yeah? So I charged you. And I charged you when you had me driving all over Los Angeles looking for peach-colored ties for you.

Beverly · Larry:And I charge you for picking up your frozen yogurt at 7 every morning so that you can have the first batch out of the machine. Every morning?

Beverly:I'm tired of cleaning your ointment applicators.

Beverly · Larry:I am tired of begging your father to come see the show so that you can feel good about yourself. Did you ask my dad to come and see the show?

Paula · Beverly:Okay, what he said was: 'I really appreciate the effort you put into your job each day.' Ooh, girl, you are fucked.

Beverly:No, that was Hank clearing his throat.

Beverly · Paula:You're digging a mighty deep hole over there. Good. Then I can jump in after I shoot myself in the head.

Paula · Beverly:Just think of whatever you would ask a potato lady. And that's all there is to it? And put question marks at the end so Larry knows that they're questions.

Artie · Larry · Beverly:Actually, we're off the list--Hank. [Retching] Larry? Artie, it's Beverly. Larry's vomiting again. Can we get back to you?

Beverly · Larry · Artie:He just got his first big laugh. Good for Hank. You don't understand. This is gonna go right to his head.

Beverly:Well, Artie, he's over that food poisoning, but last night, he ran into the bathroom, and he slipped and fell and hit his head on the john.

Beverly:It's serious enough to get those pain killers he's been after. Yay!

Hank · Beverly:Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but the procedure is the guest host gets to use Larry's office, right? Yes. The guest host, which you are not.

Beverly · Hank:Because if I do, you know he'll give me the go-ahead to kick your balls right out through the top of your head! Oh, language!

Beverly:Twice in one day is two times too many.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Just, uh, tell her I'm in big bear for the next couple Weeks, ok? Larry, if I use That big bear excuse, She's going to know that You're blowing her off.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Oh, Beverly, we're Just boys talk. What the fuck?

Beverly:The grand high-exalted Pussy master here might.

Beverly:Guess whose not getting Any pussy at home.

Beverly:How would you like it If I talked about pussy, huh? Pussy, pussy, I'm gonna Go get me some pussy. How would you like that?

Beverly:Get some of that Drive-through pussy.

Beverly · Larry Sanders:There's an emergency. Uh, something fell On bobby on the stage. Oh, my god. The emergency. I have to go.

Beverly:Larry, do you know I had this same Exact conversation With both your ex-wives?

Artie · Beverly:Boy, does he Crave attention. Yeah. He's taking it Badly, though.

Artie · Beverly · Phil:A little late with Larry's melon, huh, beverly? Oh, well, I had to go and get a new one first, Arthur. I mean, I had it already cut up into little chunks the way he always likes it. Then he came in today, said he wanted it bald. I'd do it, except I'm already dating someone.

Larry · Beverly:What, are they kidding? No, that's what it says. Cheapskates. All right, call them. Tell them maybe if they send a helicopter. Otherwise, no dice.

Beverly:Oh, right, uh... nothing contagious.

Hank · Beverly:And tell them I have some nerve deafness. Hank, that's so sad. I really don't have nerve deafness. I know. That's what's so sad.

Belzer · Beverly:I don't like kiwi. Oh, sayib, I should have known! We've got a mango flying in, chop-chop.

Belzer · Beverly:You'll have security stop me on the way out? Just don't take the ones with the pictures. Your picture? Yeah. Don't worry about it. I'll get you another.

Beverly:Toilet paper is always very funny to everyone except the French. I don't think those bidets are sanitary at all, do you?

Larry · Beverly:Rob? Mr. Reiner won't be joining us this evening. He just canceled.

Larry · Hank · Beverly:They offered you 10 grand? Yeah. Beverly.

Larry · Beverly:Artie go out to lunch? He never goes out to lunch.

Beverly:When I get stressed out, I retain water. Every year before the emmys, I puff up like a fucking blowfish.

Beverly:Beverly's frantic fan-girl meltdown over Clint Black

Beverly:I hope Larry's back doesn't fall off. Because then, what would hold up his ass?

Beverly · Larry:You're up to 3 of those now? That is the recommended dosage. Yeah, for a 1,500-pound man.

Beverly:They made me book him 'cause he's the only one who doesn't threaten Larry.

Beverly:That's French for get 'em while they're hot!

Beverly:Did letterman have Tom hanks on again, or... Did Leno have the ito dancers on again?

Beverly · Larry:Harrison ford, Steve Martin, Michelle pfeiffer. Who else?

Beverly:that wendy bitch in charge of the audience... she's got her way in the hell up there where we put the retards.

Artie · Beverly:Having fun showing her around? Artie, the woman is my mother.

Beverly:Of course. You didn't really expect to find him here.

Beverly:Beverly? I'm coming, ma!

Larry · Beverly:Warm, moist, muffin-y goodness. Courtney Cox? Oh, close. A muffin.

Beverly:He's got this friend nicolae. Whew. What a mouth on that one.

Beverly:Let's not get too cynical. Please?

Beverly:Well, I just wanna know when you're gonna have some black people on.

Beverly:Oh, I just love it when you take control.

Beverly:If he feels so bad, why doesn't he pay for the cappuccino runs? He's got the money.

Beverly:Because it's an empty gesture made in the spirit of cheapness.

Larry · Beverly:Isn't tampering with the mail a felony? Yeah, well, he's Artie's son.

Beverly:She had a 2-year relationship with a grip at abc and an intense week with Scott bakula, and just ended a very painful relationship with macgyver.

Hank · Beverly:what the fuck are you talking about? I don't want to ask her.

Hank · Beverly:You know, goddamn him and that talking car. No, no, no. That's David Hasselhoff. Macgyver's the... Richard Dean Anderson.

Larry · Beverly:No, my... my interior designer's named bryn mawr. / Oh, uh, no, Bob told me he makes a lot more money using that name.

Beverly · Artie:Well, he said this one is from portugal, so it'll cost you 6,000 extra. / Heh. Iordy, I did some grand humping in portugal. I got a mysterious itch in lisbon.

Beverly:These are the chins. Uh, edward and allison. And edward's mother, whose name I'm not gonna even try to pronounce.

Beverly:Apparently, some nut drove up on the sidewalk and ran over his foot.

Hank · Beverly:What is it with the Chinese guy? He's on once a week and he's not funny. I know. Why don't you tell Larry? I'm not gonna tell him.

Beverly:Oh, then he's definitely gay. I mean, honey, please, check out your track record.

Beverly:The black security guard? Gay. Fat grip? Gay. He's married. Yeah, to a big lesbian.

Beverly:Don't look at me. I have carpal tunnel from forging Larry's signature.

Beverly:Oh, so, either he's gay or he was really, really thirsty. How could he be thirsty? He's the water man.

Beverly:Gaydar never lies.

Hank · Beverly:Well, use the fan club dues. Well, there's no money in that account. You used most of it up on that trip to acapulco.

Larry · Beverly:And then we could have a nosy black secretary. Oh, and who's gonna play that part? Oh, come on. You'll be great. You can do that black thing you always do.

Beverly · Paula:you want to hold your chin up, 'cause it made your face look kind of chunky. I hate that word chunky. How chunky?

Beverly:Don't give me your country club metaphor bullshit! I told everybody I know that I was going to be on television. I even got my legs waxed.

Phil · Beverly:we rode the pony all night long. Yuck. That is disgusting. No, no, it was beautiful, and her kid only woke up once.

Larry · Beverly:9:00? That's too late. I can change it to 8:00. Ahem. 8:30? Well... 8:30. 9:00 sounds right. All right.

Beverly:They have an umbrella cockatoo that already says, 'hello, daddy.'

Beverly:Um, do you want Mexican food or Japanese food tonight?

Beverly · Phil:You are such an asshole, Phil, you know that? Yeah. You know, if you're writing an article, don't use my name.

Paula · Beverly:She's in love with wesley snipes. Well, he's really cute, but I... excuse me.

Beverly · Paula:People always say that, but, you know, when I put the stuff on my face, I break out. She can get her money back.

Beverly:Well... if you mean can he make a salami telescope, yeah, I think so.

Beverly:Black people will never have as much experience as white people because up till 10 years ago, black people had no props.

Beverly:Yeah. Well, if Larry asks, tell him I went out to get his yogurt.

Beverly:I haven't eaten anything but cereal for the last 3 days.

Beverly · Larry:Um, it's about clyde. Oh, what now? Is there any way we could get rid of him? No.

Beverly:Don't think of her as a person. Just think of her as an employee.

Beverly:Between the O.J. verdicts, Showgirls, and Larry dating an 18-year-old, that's it. I'm killing myself.

Beverly:You need to go through a lot of pain to be interesting.

Beverly:She's evil and fat and she wants your show.

Beverly:In the middle of the second act, a car flew off the freeway, crashed through the wall of the theater, and took out the first couple of rows. Fortunately, no one was there.

Beverly:Oh, he's on crack.

Larry · Beverly:'The truth Is out there.' What does that mean? It's from the show.

Beverly:And do what?

Beverly:"Dear dumbfuck"?

Beverly:He even made sure that he left early for midnight mass.

Beverly:Oh, you can't go sneaking up on people like that! This is the copy room. I came in to make a copy.

Mary Lou · Beverly:Are you smoking pot? No. I'm just making a copy of something.

Beverly · Mary Lou:How can you make that much money for just standing around gossiping? Oh, don't you just hate 'em? They have nothing better to do than just snoop in other peoples' business.

Brian · Beverly:I--I make $5.00 more a week than you make? Yeah. I mean, don't you think you should make a little bit more than me? Yeah, but I only make $5.00 more than you.

Beverly:You know, I hid my tampons because somebody was stealing them. Now I can't remember where I hid them.

Beverly:You look like a pumpkin.

Beverly · Hank:His boyfriend, Hank. They've been together for over a year and a half. Oh, my God. I didn't know that.

Hank · Beverly:Mmm, missed a spot. No, on your face.

Beverly:Larry couldn't stop crying even when the fly girls were dancing.

Beverly:He just kept blubbering about the fucking baby fawn's mother cooking in a brush fire.

Artie · Beverly:What, is that, like, a gay thing? / No, this is a gay thing.

Beverly:[Beverly's horrified reaction to seeing Charlie]

Beverly:Uh, she has a lot of personal problems, sweetheart.

Charlie · Beverly:I thought you said we were going on a yogurt run. / Oh, no, baby, you got that all wrong.

Beverly · Hank:Charlie's sick. We got to get him to the hospital. / Who's that kid?

Beverly:Apparently someone let him smoke one of Hank's cigars and he got sick.

Beverly · Mary Lou:I cannot believe you could do that to a child, Mary Lou. / He wanted to, and it was really just a couple of puffs.

Beverly:Charlie has asked for a second wish.

Beverly:And is that your tail I see between your legs?

Beverly:Oh, that's because Phil doesn't have an office.

Larry · Beverly:My money's missing. Gosh, Larry. If you don't wanna buy one, just say so. No, I believe you. My money's gone.

Beverly:You don't see me setting up fake meetings just to meet Ed Asner.

Phil · Beverly:Beverly, kiss my ass. You show it bare.

Beverly:They're not horses, Phil.

Beverly:This sort of thing happens in the movies, maybe, but we had no idea this sort of behavior was being conducted on the very premises of the Larry Sanders show.

Beverly:Shut the fuck up, Phil!

Beverly:On my desk!

Beverly:I gotta start takin' those gingko tablets.

Beverly:you could take those... those chocolates and those shells and you shove 'em where the sun don't shine. Oh, and you take the flowers, too.

Beverly:when a gay man is the only one writing you poetry, it makes you feel like a real charity case.

Beverly:Larry, she's never Done a nude scene.

Larry · Beverly · Hank:Is he retarded? No. He works In a shoe store. He looks just like you.

Beverly:He went down, He got in his own car. He drove there. He parked it. He got out. He walked in the doors, And he pulled out His own personal Credit card?

Beverly:I just hit Hank's car.

Beverly:I know. I'm such a bad driver.

Beverly:It was really big and foreign, kind of like a big boat.

Mary Lou · Beverly:You hit his bentley. Is that bad?

Beverly:I get into a lot of accidents. Like, I don't know why. I just do. I have 5 or 6 a year. Or 7. Sometimes I get in-- It was 7 this year.

Hank · Beverly:You get in 5 or 6 accidents a year, and your car is a... It's a jetta. I'm-- I'm sorry. What? It's an '85 jetta.

Beverly · Hank:Is how great I thought you were on the 'shabad' telethon this year. Oh. Thanks. It's 'chabad.'

Beverly:Well, maybe i'll leave the knife out for you.

Beverly · Hank:Hank, have you lost your mind? Is that a yes?

Beverly:Marylou, he is planning to put dog poop on vince vaughn's car.

Beverly:I hit your car.

Mary Lou · Beverly:I did that once. I lost 15 pounds, but I gained it all back. / I'm not bulimic.

Beverly · Mary Lou:I'm pregnant, all right? / Oh, my God. Congratulations. Who's the father? / I don't want to discuss it. / It's not Larry, is it? / Close?

Beverly:If you think I'm gonna come in even a minute early, I think you're out of your mind, because I have a life, OK?

Beverly · Eriq La Salle:I'm pregnant. / Hey, the more, the merrier.

Eriq La Salle · Beverly:Yes! Thank you! / You... whoa, whoa, whoa!

Beverly · Brian:Eww! Nobody wants to hear that, phil. / I do.

Brian · Beverly:It doesn't even make sense. / What gay guys wear Hawaiian shirts? / Have you been on santa monica boulevard in the last 10 years? / I take sunset.

Beverly:I wish my ass looked like that.

Phil · Artie · Beverly:That's my joke. / He's a fucking asshole. / Absolutely.

Beverly · Brian:Wow. Larry's monologue really sucks tonight. / Oh, I'm sorry. / No problem.

Beverly · Brian:Well, I was born black. / What? What does that mean? / Well, you chose to be gay.

Beverly · Unknown:I think the hormones from the baby... You should've seen me at the end of Titanic. You think those people in the water were wailing?

Beverly · Artie:Got another job. Oh, great. Tell me. It sucks.