Larry battles his reluctance when real live spiders are scheduled for the show, and tries to find a sketch to do with guest Carol Burnett.
WAR
88.4
Wins Above Replacement
“The Spiders Episode” ranks #73 of 90 The Larry Sanders Show episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 84.2 — Elite. The episode packs 88 scored jokes at 3.4 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 7.0 on impact, with Larry Sanders landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Carol Burnett · Larry Sanders: Carol: 'I saw your balls.' Larry: 'What?' Carol: 'I saw your balls.'
Larry Sanders · Artie: Larry: 'Well, I did overcome my fear, didn't I?' Artie: 'Yes, for a second... until you flung that poor creature to a fiery death.'
Spider Wrangler · Hank Kingsley: Hank asks if he'll get bitten. Wrangler: 'Absolutely not... but if you should get bitten, it'll only hurt for a second... unless you're allergic to spider bites.'
Larry Sanders · Artie: Artie: 'It wasn't a sketch. It was a massive spastic fuck-up.' Larry: 'Tomato, tomato. It was broad physical comedy. It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw look like a big piece of shit.'
Hank Kingsley: Hank's post-spider reassurance: 'The spider guy said it's a mild allergic reaction. It should run its course in about a week's time, and it's hardly noticeable.'
All Jokes — 88 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Hank: No, no, no, I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'
Hank: And now, because we've tried it with just the desk... and it really isn't the same... Larry Sanders!
Larry: My dog ran by and burst into flames... and rolled to put himself out 'cause he read the pamphlets... they pass out to dogs.
Larry: because who wants to be in a cast for six weeks? And then, you know, everybody wants to sign it. It's embarrassing.
Announcer Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Larry: The next option is a bad haircut.
but was still so embarrassed he also bought... an $8,000 toothpaste tube... and $5,000 pack of razor blades.
Larry: This is actually the same outfit you wear to drive in L.A.
Artie: He calls it 'the tarantula arm races.'
Artie: Two minutes ago, you were willing to take a puck to the nuts. Now you're crying over a couple of bugs.
Artie: Gigantic fuzzy insects crawling on your body, lions crapping in your lap. It's great television.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Hank: build like this big Santa Fe style Spanish adobe house there. Then you'll be jealous because you can't live there, right?
Jancey: The night is young. Ow!
Hank: They're just the deadliest spider known to man.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Absurdist Hank: Watch your step. I mean careerwise.
Jancey: having a comedy club in my own home.
Larry: Are you saying that 'cause you watered down the drinks?
Artie Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jancey: Geez, I hope one of those spiders bites you tomorrow night.
Jancey: So, can we start a family if I have the baby at the Greek Theater? Huh?
Larry: But in the shape of a spider, honey.
Larry: Were they Ludes? Soapers? Were they reds?
Carol: Ooh, pubic hair on my coconut. That's it. Sexual harassment. Where is my lawyer?
Larry: They look like big, hairy potatoes with legs in 'em.
Artie: They're roller coasters. Call it what you like.
Writer: I think he's trying out a new Lebanese thing.
Artie: You know, talking to you is like talking to you.
Hank: Yes, it is. The fastest light in the West. Fire 'em up, partner.
Hank: Stunts are Larry's territory. Hank Kingsley shalt not trespass.
Hank: Not that I've made a stink about it, because I am not... a squeaky wheel, you know that.
Artie: Between you and me, I think I saw your balls at one point.
Larry: Did you really see my balls?
Larry: That's my cup from the hockey segment.
Hank: My God... you're a good man.
Could you take your top off? I'm begging you. Could you?
Hank: You know, make it more my style.
Writers Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Spider Expert: I carry a spider anti-venom kit on my person at all times. I didn't bring it with me today.
Artie: It's not easy being on this side of the cue cards.
Carol: Your check is on the way.
Artie Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Larry: You actually have to get earmuffs at a specialty shop?
Carol: maybe you could talk to costumes about getting you a longer loincloth. I saw your balls.
Larry: You're wrong right there. They're clearly found in plastic boxes.
Larry: I've never complained about anyone opening up a lid of anything.
Larry: Wrong. Come on, don't you folks wanna see Hank put that on his...
Carol: If you guys are too chicken, I'll do it.
Larry: And you were 'mistakener.'
Artie Reaction Beat Character Comedy Larry: It wasn't a sketch. It was a massive spastic fuck-up.
Artie: It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw look like a big piece of shit.
Hank: Oh, no, the spider guy said it's a mild allergic reaction. It should run its course in about a week's time... and it's hardly noticeable.
Hank Kingsley: Hank, deeply moved by Larry's fake speech: '...A little uncomfortable right now, but... My God... you're a good man.'
Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders: Extended physical bit: Hank tries to hug Larry — the hug goes on far too long — Larry: 'Hank, please.'
Carol Burnett · Hank Kingsley: Carol Burnett to Hank during commercial filming: 'Could you take your top off? I'm begging you. Could you?'
Hank Kingsley · Carol Burnett: Hank's 'Hey, Now' exchange with Carol Burnett: 'Tremendous.' / 'Hey, now.' / 'Hey, now.'
Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders: Hank casually tells Larry he's doing the spider thing 'tonight' — Larry's reaction beat
Hank Kingsley: Hank asks the writers to 'put a different crank on' the spider material to 'make it more my style'
Spider Handler (Steve Kutcher) · Hank Kingsley: Spider handler reveals he carries an anti-venom kit 'on my person at all times' — then: 'I didn't bring it with me today.'
Hank Kingsley · Spider Handler: Hank notices a burn mark on the spider handler's arm and asks about it. Handler: 'It's a burn. I burned myself on the iron.' — with a spider bite visible to the audience
Spider Handler · Hank Kingsley: Handler: 'Absolutely not [you won't get bitten]... but if you should get bitten, it'll only hurt for a second... unless you're allergic to spider bites.' Hank: 'Okay, so, how would I know if I were allergic?' Handler: 'Well, you'd go to a doctor and have yourself checked.' — 'And if I were allergic... what could happen?' — Handler: 'Oh, my.'
Spider Wrangler · Hank Kingsley: Hank asks if he'll get bitten. Wrangler: 'Absolutely not... but if you should get bitten, it'll only hurt for a second... unless you're allergic to spider bites.'
Larry Sanders: Larry, off-camera in a separate scene: 'So was I wrong? Hank really wanted to do the spider thing... You know, the audience would rather see me do it, I think. Wouldn't they?'
Larry Sanders: Larry: 'It's not easy being on this side of the cue cards.' — then demonstrates by holding the cue cards wrong
Carol Burnett · Larry Sanders: Carol tells the story of her ear-pull signal to her grandmother — 'It meant, Hi, I'm fine. Your check is on the way.'
Larry Sanders: Larry, after Carol says her earlobe is a quarter-inch longer than the other: 'Wow. You actually have to get earmuffs at a specialty shop?'
Carol Burnett: Carol: 'I'm delightful, aren't I?' — self-directed, slightly arch
Larry Sanders · Carol Burnett: Larry and Carol both claim they 'loved' the Tarzan sketch rehearsal and wish they could have done it — each sentence more effusive, building to 'I love doing broad, physical comedy'/'You're great at it'/'I wish we could've done it'/'Me too'/'Me too'
Carol Burnett · Larry Sanders: Carol: 'I saw your balls.' Larry: 'What?' Carol: 'I saw your balls.'
Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley: Post-commercial break: Hank clearly allergic/distressed from spider — Larry notices during show and asks 'Hank, are you all right? A little mop up.'
Hank Kingsley · Artie: Hank anxious before air: 'Listen, this Steve, this spider guy... is he on the up and up?' Artie: 'Don't worry about it, Hank. The spiders are real. ...He had some concern about an allergic reaction.'
Larry Sanders: On-air: Larry, gesturing at plastic spider boxes: 'Well, Steve, I see you brought your lunch with you.'
Larry Sanders · Steve Kutcher: Steve says the spiders are 'found in the tropical regions, desert regions of the world.' Larry: 'You're wrong right there. They're clearly found in plastic boxes.'
Larry Sanders: Larry: 'I've never complained about anyone opening up a lid of anything.'
Larry Sanders · Steve Kutcher: Steve: 'I can demonstrate how you can control them crawling up a person's arm... Like you.' Larry: 'Wrong. You mean like Hank.'
Larry Sanders · Carol Burnett · Steve Kutcher: Larry tries to stir audience support: 'Come on, don't you folks wanna see Hank put that on his...' — reaction beat — then audience: 'Now tell the truth... wouldn't you rather see Larry?' Crowd: 'Yeah!'
Carol Burnett: Carol: 'If you guys are too chicken, I'll do it.' — and then does, unflinchingly
Larry Sanders · Carol Burnett: After Larry finally takes the spider: 'And Carol, you thought I was...' Carol: 'I thought you were yeller.' Larry: 'And you were mistakener.'
Larry Sanders: Larry, with spider on his arm: 'Which movies was he in? All right. Now, okay...' — attempts to look away — 'I am going to look this way.'
Larry Sanders · Carol Burnett: Larry: 'This is not so bad. I can barely feel...' — long pause — 'Oh, my God! Carol, there's one on your shoulder.'
Larry Sanders: 'Don't you drop me!' — a spider (presumably) speaking or Larry in spider-panic during chaos
Artie · Larry Sanders: After the chaos: Artie to Larry: 'Come on, it was great, Larry.' Larry: 'We killed $75,000 worth of spiders, Arty.' Artie: 'We got $100,000 worth of laughs.'
Larry Sanders · Artie: Artie: 'It wasn't a sketch. It was a massive spastic fuck-up.' Larry: 'Tomato, tomato. It was broad physical comedy. It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw look like a big piece of shit.'
Larry Sanders: Larry: 'Yeah. Really?' — genuinely pleased by the Ed Ames comparison, pausing to absorb it
Artie: Artie: 'It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw look like a big piece of shit.'
Artie Observational Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Larry Sanders · Artie: Larry: 'Well, I did overcome my fear, didn't I?' Artie: 'Yes, for a second... until you flung that poor creature to a fiery death.'
Larry Sanders · Artie: Larry: 'But in a funny way.' Artie: 'For a hundred times, yes.'
Hank Kingsley: Hank's post-spider reassurance: 'The spider guy said it's a mild allergic reaction. It should run its course in about a week's time, and it's hardly noticeable.'
Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley: Post-show: 'Oh, no, the spider guy said it's a mild allergic reaction. It should run its course in about a week's time... and it's hardly noticeable.' — then someone clearly sees it's very noticeable — beat — 'Yeah? Nothing.'
Artie: Artie signs off: 'Huge laughs, Hank. Huge laughs, Larry. Huge.'
Artie Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Top Episodes — The Larry Sanders Show
