The Promise

Warm-up Comedian:Now, that sign says 'applesauce.' No, I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

And now, because it's an F.A.A. Regulation... your flight attendant, Karen Jackson.

To applaud, hold the hands out and away from the body... with the palms facing each other. Bring palms together firmly and quickly and continue to breathe normally.

In the event of a sudden loss of interest in one of tonight's guests... your seat cushion may be removed and used as a pillow.

Larry:I think the only thing Karen forgot to add... is please do not stand until we've come to a complete halt... which I think we just have.

Larry:the bad thing about earthquakes when they happen in Los Angeles... is it makes it more difficult to shoot straight.

Larry:she started to yell, 'It's the big one.' And I said, 'Thank you very much.' And then she said, 'No, it's the quake.'

Larry:After the show was over, they laughed for an hour... they had fun with us for an hour, then they got dressed and just left.

Larry:Please, stay. I like to cuddle afterwards. And, you never know, an hour later I may feel like putting on another show.

Larry:Sleep well. Remember, we'll all be sleeping at the same time.

Dana:My house? I'm in a lawsuit with the contractor... because the walls are bleeding like a miracle.

Paula:This is an office, not a club. David, I know this is total torture... but you gotta do your act for me so Larry can hear the content.

David:Like anyone goes, 'Oh, he's good. I like his work.'

And the flight attendant will come by and pull the curtain shut. 'Sorry.'

Paula:You make that little face? That is so Spade, and Larry loves that.

Paula:You will not. You will not change a thing. That's what this show needs... penis, and plenty of it.

Larry:How many times you been on, Paula?

Paula:Never.

Larry:Exactly. So show Mr. Spade here a little respect.

David:You can't say 'penis.' Got it.

David:The Hon... No, I've got a new Mustang. It's brand-new.

Larry:I guess it's that time. Thanks for coming by.

David:So... Long? So long.

David:I'm gonna go drive the Mustang.

Larry:Nice kid.

Larry:I am not allowed to talk about show business, Artie. Put on Leno, honey. Please?

Larry:I thought he was doing our show tomorrow, Artie. What the fuck is this?

Larry:You don't do two talk shows back-to-back. It's an unspoken rule. Maybe it's so unspoken that he didn't know about it.

Maybe it's so unspoken that he didn't know about it.

Larry:My feelings are hurt, honey, and by a man.

Larry:Book Nell Carter on the show. We'll lock her in her dressing room for three days and don't feed her. Then throw David Spade in there with a piece of HoneyBaked ham down his pants.

Larry:All those years in the merchant marine have served you well, Paula.

Artie:If I can't, I'm gonna dress up like Nell Carter and kick his ass myself.

Beverly:Do you want me to make Spade fall in love with me, then hurt him?

Hank:He can.

Beverly:By the way, Lenny and Squiggy say hi.

Artie:Sure. I saw Buddy Ebsen's head floating over my dresser. But he vanished. Slept like a dream.

Artie:I'm surprised you didn't smell Leno's cologne on the little rat bastard.

Larry:My pal Ray Combs hosts Family Feud, he's getting her on his show for me. Is that right?

Hank:Yeah.

Larry:Great. Her and her family?

Hank:No, just her.

Hank:Sometimes when they have a family with just four people... they slap on a fifth person and make them a cousin or whatever. They do that? Hush-hush.

Larry:Can't you hear my voice that I'm saying no to you? Please? I'm saying no. We're such good friends, and you can't hear that I'm saying no to you?

Larry:No! For God's sakes, no, Hank! You talk to you, and you don't hear!

Darlene:Why is Larry so mean? What is he, 'Sadge'?

Darlene:Try and get him to say 'Klingon.'

Jerry:The handset's broken, but we're alone.

Shatner:Isn't Star Trek the most obvious, unoriginal choice you could make? I mean, come on.

Larry:I'm really excited about doing this Star Trek thing the guys have written.

Shatner:DeForest Kelley and I had some problems. I mean alien-wise.

Shatner:What's so funny?

Hank:You're a married woman, but don't tempt me.

Hank:When they respect you too much, there's... there's a distance.

Ray:Applesauce!

Larry:I haven't heard this many women applaud since my bris.

Larry:I know it isn't, but if people could see Hank, who would look at me?

Hank:Knock, knock.

Larry:Who's there?

Hank:What do you mean?

Larry:You said, 'Knock, knock.'

Hank:No, I was just... I was just saying that.

Hank:How do you think Merv felt?

David:Jesus, Merv must have been pissed off.

Larry:He was not pissed off. They were on at different times of the day.

Larry:Hey, call me...

David:You want me to call you?

Larry:I was gonna say, 'Call me Larry.'

Larry:Hey, call me... You want me to call you? I was gonna say, 'Call me Larry.'

Larry:I gave him that whole manager/agent shit. And he bought it?

Artie:Of course. He said it was his manager and agent?

Larry:That's what he told me. You bought that horseshit?

Larry:I gave him that whole manager/agent shit. And he bought it?

Artie:Of course. He said it was his manager and agent?

Larry:That's what he told me. You bought that horseshit?

Artie:Are you kidding?

Larry:We'll bump him a few times. He'll get the message. Little rat prick.

David:Like anyone goes, 'Oh, he's good. He's good. Love his work.'