Paula

Larry Sanders · Paula:Can we get Nell Carter? / I can get Nell Carter. If I can't, I'm gonna dress up like Nell Carter and kick his ass myself.

Paula:Larry, Arthur, we have a huge problem. Joe Pesci just cancelled. What are we gonna do now?

Artie · Paula:Artie: 'Wonderful, Miss O'Hara. If only every show could start as nicely as this evening's has. Effervescent. Only one word: Effervescent.' / Paula: 'Yeah, well, you said it twice there.'

Paula · Beverly:Paula: 'Every day, all day, all we do is, "Get this for Larry, do that for Larry." It's ridiculous.' Beverly: 'That's the way it should be.' Paula: 'No duh, Beverly.'

Paula · Coworker:A staff member (Paula?) is using the Hankerciser at her desk; coworker: 'You look like Howdy Doody having a tantrum.'

Paula · Coworker:The Hankerciser breaks, injuring the staff member: 'Aah! Ow!' Coworker hands her an ice pack. Reaction: 'What is that?' 'It's the ice pack.'

Paula:A little rain and this whole town shuts down. They said he has the flu. Bullshit.

Paula:That's why I live in the valley.

Paula · Artie:Didn't they break up, like, two years ago? / Two years is two days Darlene time.

Larry · Paula:Larry asks about a couch and 'spot cleaning' — Paula and the writer scramble to confirm Artie said something about spot cleaning, even though clearly nobody knows what he meant.

Paula:Absent, detained, Not-o here-o.

Hank · Paula:Paula, can you get Ray Combs on the blower? Danson fell out. / I already took care of that.

Larry · Paula · Hank:That's the spirit — gallows humor. / It's not a joke. / You're producing. / Yes. / You're in your 20s.

Hank · Larry · Paula:Arthur asked her to fill in. / What are you? You're 28. / 26. / Thanks for your support.

Darlene · Paula:Darlene reveals she hasn't seen Bruno since they broke up, and doesn't want to see him — while Paula, still reeling from everything else, tries to shut this down.

Paula · Repairman:Air conditioner has died. What do I sign? / Artie has to sign the invoice. / I'll sign for him. / You can't. / I'll get Artie's signature. / No. / I'll find him. It's fine.

Paula · Larry:I believe he's speaking with Elayne Boosler. / For lead? / I don't know, that's just one option. There are many, many others. / Like who? / Uh... Jody Watley.

Larry · Paula:She's a singer. / I know.

Paula · Larry:Marla Maples. / Let's try and find someone Donald Trump hasn't screwed.

Larry · Paula:Coffee. Thank you. I hope it's as hot as it is here. / It is hot here. Everyone keeps saying that. It's fine. / Paula, it's hot. Look at you. You're sweating. / I am not.

Artie · Paula:Have a glass of wine. / I'm not much of a drinker. / You don't have to drink it, Paula. Just walk in front of the audience with it. They see you're relaxed, it relaxes them.

Paula:The way I look now, it won't relax anyone to see me with alcohol.

Larry · Paula:We don't have a lead guest, do we? [Long beat] Hank will try and jam in a stupid magic trick.

Paula · Larry:I got Steven Wright. / God damn — / Good. Steven Wright's good.

Larry · Paula:What is this, by the way? / You know what this is. / The new plug for the video music show. / I'm not gonna do plugs. / 'Stay tuned for late-night videos. Dance all night, dudes.'

Bruno Kirby · Paula · Hank · Steven Wright:Bruno Kirby appears at the show — Hank called him thinking Danson had canceled and they needed a lead, while Paula had already booked Steven Wright.

Robert · Paula:Robert shows up at the studio to confront Paula.

Paula · Robert:Can we please just talk about this later? [Long beat] You know what? I knew you would say that.

Larry · Paula · Staff:Larry calls for cue cards. Paula relays it. Then: 'Where's Sid? Where's Sid?' Paula relays that too. Then: 'Sid, Paula.' 'The cue card guy!' 'Yes.'

Larry · Paula:Larry introduces Bruno Kirby by saying he 'was wonderful in City Slickers.' Paula corrects him; Bruno is not Steven Wright. Larry pushes through: 'He was not in City Slickers. You're thinking of someone else.' / Well, if you're going to be that way about it.

Larry · Paula:How did Artie like it? / He thought it was the best. / I thought it went pretty well myself, considering everything he had to do on this show, you should learn from him. Watch him closely. He pulled this off.

Paula · Larry:Guess what. / What are you saying? / Artie wasn't even here. He was in a mud slide. It was just me. Thank you very much.

Paula:Why don't I do some plugs? Stay tuned for late-night videos. Dance all night, dudes.

Paula · Larry Sanders:Paula reads from Tim Miller's review: 'A garrulous assault of anecdote, humor, observation, and social comment punctuated by movement and channeled through life experience.' Larry: 'Good. Book him.'

Larry Sanders · Paula:Larry trying to send Beverly flowers — realizes he can't send flowers and can't ask her to send them to herself — asks Paula to do it, then offers his ATM card to pay.

Larry Sanders · Paula:Larry offers Paula his ATM password to pay for the flowers. Paula: 'I have it.' Larry: 'Well, no, I just changed it.' Paula: 'It's Leno now, right?'

Hank · Paula:Why is Larry in here? Well, Larry likes to be involved in deciding who the guests will be.

Larry · Paula:Why did Devito cancel? His agent said he wouldn't be feeling well tonight. Yeah, I've had that.

Paula:I can't be held responsible for certain personality types... It means there are certain performers with certain neuroses and mental shortcomings that make it completely impossible for me to deal with them on a normal level.

Paula:...perhaps the fact that we pay them scale and send 'em home with a piece of shit t-shirt and hat.

Larry · Paula · Beverly:Well, thank you. You're doing a great job. / What did Larry say to you that's got you so scared? / 'I really appreciate the effort you put into your job each day.' / Ooh, girl, you are fucked.

Paula · Darlene:Okay, what he said was: 'I really appreciate the effort you put into your job each day.' Ooh, girl, you are fucked.

Paula:And screw you, you glorified 10%-taking butt boy.

Larry · Paula:The hat — 'is it adjustable? Is it one-size-fits-all?' / 'It's a piece of crap.' / 'But it's in the shape of a hat?'

Paula · Larry:Our gifts bite the biggest bag. / OK, so there's a bag, too?

Larry · Paula:I just want to say again, what a great job you're doing and how much I appreciate it. / I got Danny DeVito back. / You did? / I did. / Larry! Excuse me.

Artie · Paula:How did you get DeVito back? / I didn't. / Well, don't you think that's kind of like a problem? / Not if I kill myself before 5:30.

DeVito · Paula:Paula, I can't do the show tonight. That's why I canceled. I'm very busy. / I thought you said you weren't feeling well. / There's that, too.

Paula · Phil:Is that Suzanne Pleshette? Phil, get out!

Paula:War of the Roses is one of Larry's favorite films. Did I mention that?

Paula · DeVito:Listen, you can come in and do the show. It'll take you 20 minutes, 30 minutes tops. / I have another scene to film. I have to shoot a spot for the juvenile diabetes people, and I'm really not feeling well.

Paula:You made a commitment to us. Does that mean anything to you? / Good-bye. / Mr. DeVito!

Artie · Paula:You got Danny DeVito on board tonight, don't you? / You bet. / Well, you got nothing to worry about, sweetie.

Artie · Paula:You're digging a mighty deep hole over there. / Good. Then I can jump in after I shoot myself in the head.

Paula · Beverly:I need you to prepare the potato lady interview questions. / I have no idea how to do that. / That has never stopped me before. / Just think of whatever you would ask a potato lady. / And that's all there is to it? / And put question marks at the end so Larry knows that they're questions.

Paula · DeVito:I think it's just tremendous what you're doing here for juvenile diabetes. And I don't know if you know this, but Larry has low-blood sugar. / It's not the same. / Is it?

Paula:Are you telling me that you can't walk 200 feet to plug your own movie? It'll be great exposure, and it'll prevent Larry from firing me. Please?

Larry · Paula:Is Danny DeVito really on his way? / I have no idea. They kicked me off the set.

Larry · Paula:Did you tell Danny DeVito that I was going to fire you if he didn't do the show? / I didn't use those exact words. / Well, do you realize what inappropriate behavior that is? / Do you realize how badly that reflects on me? / Am I fired now?

Paula · Larry:I want to say that I think the segment with Danny DeVito went really, really well, and I think that you were extremely hilarious with the potato lady. / Yeah, well, I think we all know that.

Paula · Larry:I gotta say that about 3 times a week to get guests to do this show. / You do? / You wouldn't believe the lengths I have to go to. The other week, when Tom Hanks tried to back out, I had to cry and feign illness. I mean, muffin mania gifts. It's endless.

Larry · Paula:Who do you have on tap for tomorrow night? / Bob Uecker, Shari Lewis, and the seashell man. / And sting. / Oh, have we got sting? / You betcha.

Hank Kingsley · Paula · Elvis Costello:Hank meets Elvis Costello backstage: 'Hank, this is Elvis.' / 'I don't think so.'

Artie · Paula:'Why does Larry have to go into the yogurt place in person?' / 'Because he thinks if you can see the colors, it's easier to pick the flavor.'

Paula · Artie:'He threw up all over the front seat of Beverly's car, and then he threw up all over Ventura Boulevard.' / 'Sherman Oaks?' / 'Studio City.' / 'Any witnesses?'

Artie · Paula:'Make sure that Seinfeld knows he's our first choice. When he says no, make sure that Richard Lewis thinks he's our first choice, and so on down the list.' / 'Oh, your mind amazes me!'

Paula · Artie:'Well, there's some chimps at Live at 5 who might be available.' / 'I don't think so.' / 'We'll have to settle for the next-best thing.'

Phil · Paula:Phil asks Paula out; Paula mentions her new hair; Phil says he previously said it made her look like 'Pat Benatar's shorter, fatter sister'; Phil denies it, claiming he said 'cuter'

Phil · Paula:Phil: 'We have a natural banter going already. It's gonna be fun!' Paula: 'What the hell? It's just dinner.' Then: 'Actually... never mind.' Phil: 'What?' Paula: 'I was gonna ask you out eventually.'

Darlene · Paula:Darlene tells Paula: 'Remember that guy I told you I was seeing who I thought could speak French, and then I found out it was just all made-up words? That was Phil?!'

Paula · Darlene:Paula: 'So he just asked me out to piss you off.' Then: 'I have to go get the phone.' — Paula exits twice using the same excuse

Darlene · Paula · Larry:Darlene: 'So he just asked me out to piss you off.' Paula: 'If I had known...I'm sorry.' / 'I have to go get the phone.'

Paula:Paula: 'You should have kept Jerry and fired Phil for being a lying prick.'

Paula · Phil:Booking agent Paula's Steve Martin seduction strategy: 'I told him Roxanne was my favorite movie. I inquired about his play...' / Phil: 'In other words, you promised to blow him?'

Paula:Paula: 'Ho ho ho, Phil, you know all my little tricks, don't you?'

Paula:Paula: 'Oh, goody! That means you'll be gone in a month.'

Paula · Phil:Steve Martin sketch problems: 'He thinks you're making fun of mute people.' / 'It is a takeoff on the piano. It does not work without a mute.'

Paula:Paula: 'Oh, that'd be so much hotter if you were wearing your tie.' (after Phil calls her 'bitch')

Paula:Paula to Phil after Steve Martin cancels: 'Nice topical meter, dipshit. Go fuck yourself.'

Larry Sanders · Paula · Artie:Staff watching Leno react to Bobcat: 'You can tell Leno's pissed. Look at him. That bobcat has got serious mental problems.' / 'I think he's got incredible balls.' / 'Paula, don't say balls. Men find that off-putting.' / 'Thanks for the tip.' / 'Don't say tip.'

Paula · Larry:I think he's got incredible balls. / Paula, don't say 'balls.' Men find that off-putting. / Thanks for the tip. / Don't say 'tip.'

Larry Sanders · Paula:Larry's fly is open; his assistant tells him. Larry: 'Thank you.' / 'Don't mention it. Part of my job.' / 'Looking at my crotch?' / 'I consider it a perk.'

Paula · Larry:Michael Bolton has a slight head cold. He's still going to sing. / Good. Good.

Darlene · Paula:The escalating gift progression: flowers, then flowers + Dottie West CD, then flowers + Hummel figurine, then flowers + pasta machine

Paula:"Well, nothing, but by then you'd have flowers and a miata."

Paula · Darlene:Paula reveals she gave Darlene a shoelace bracelet, and Darlene's diplomatic backpedal: 'I know, and I liked it. I'm sorry. No, I did. It was different!'

Paula:Paula's response: 'Magicians?'

Jon Lovitz · Larry · Paula:Jon tells the snake-on-the-food-tray story from City Slickers 2 set, then Larry tells Paula to redirect him to the tux rental story

Paula · Jon Lovitz:Paula wears Darlene's bracelet and tells Jon she's wearing it because 'Darlene said I could have it... uh, wear it.' — Then reveals they're going to 'a women's meeting,' prompting Jon to conclude the lesbian rumor is true

Paula · Darlene:Paula wearing Darlene's bracelet while claiming she's just holding it 'for a couple of hours' — then being caught by Darlene

Paula:Rob Reiner canceled. His office just called.

Larry · Artie · Paula:Let me guess the excuse. Cold? No. Family emergency? No. Bad sprain. Bingo. Ankle? Getting warmer. Getting out of shower? No, coming down the stairs on the way here. / How cinematic! I can almost see him falling. That's what makes him a genius.

Larry · Paula · Larry · Paula · Larry · Paula · Larry:So, Paula, you, uh... Paula, how much did you win? / $200. / So you bet that I had a drug problem. / Yes, sir. / Well, consider that a Christmas bonus. / Thank you. / I believe that's 190 more than you received last year.

Larry Sanders · Paula:Kato Kaelin's booker suggests him as a guest; the room dismisses it, but then: 'Kato Kaelin has people?'

Paula · Artie:You have to forgive me. I've got my period. / Really? Yeah. / You know, you used that excuse 10 weeks ago, memory serves. That means you're not due to start your cycle until the 22nd or 23rd.

Paula · Artie:Well, how do you know I wasn't lying the last time? / You were a bit puffy.

Beverly · Paula:Beverly panics that Jeannie Sanders is coming up in the elevator. Paula asks 'Jeannie who?' Beverly: 'Jeannie Sanders, Larry's ex-wife.'

Artie · Paula:No, you were fresh, fast, focused, funny. Paula, tell our boy he's anything but sluggish. You are anything but sluggish.

Unknown · Paula · Larry Sanders:That guy must be a moron. I think he's very sexy, and I'd like to sleep with him. Paula, he's a thug. Good. I'm so tired of all the neurotic pussies around here.

Paula:Paula walks in asking 'Have you seen Larry?' and stumbles into the sex tape screening.

Artie · Paula · Staff Member:Melissa Gilbert. Oh, for Christ's sake. How are you gonna generate some heat around Melissa Gilbert? / Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa Gilbert! Wa-hoo!

Artie · Paula:Jeff Goldblum is great. He's always been on our most wanted list. Except for every time I ask his agent, he passes.

Paula · Jeff Goldblum:Buckaroo Banzai! Yes. Perfect Tommy, Rawhide, Reno, Penny Priddy. What are they all doing now? I wonder.

Larry · Paula:Larry immediately escalates the pledge from $20/mile to $25/mile when he learns the cause is AIDS

Paula · Larry:Paula walks-back the walkathon pledge amount in front of Larry: $25 becomes $10, then $5

Paula:I'd love to watch him from the mosh pit, and we are in search of fresh faces with a point of view, but not a hillbilly from outer space.

Paula:Granted, he's no John Tesh, but he's got the lollapalooza following and Letterman's people have been all over him.

Larry · Paula:Who is Beck's agent? / Stevie Grant. / And Jake Johannsen? Stevie. / Ed Begley Jr.? [pause] / Those names have nothing to do with my relationship.

Paula · Stevie:Jennifer Aniston would be amazing. Can you get her? / Yeah, absolutely. I represent half the cast of Friends. / Which ones? The ones who can act.

Stevie · Paula:Hey, do you have a spot for Andy Kindler? / Who's Andy Kindler? He's a comic. The little guy, the hyper guy? / Mm-hmm. I don't think so. He's more of a Conan O'Brien act. / Conan won't put him on.

Paula · Stevie:What? / I can't do this with Larry watching me. It gives me the creeps. / Doing it in front of my clients turns me on. I feel my power. / Just turn it off.

Paula · Stevie:Blow off Eiger and we'll spend the morning in bed. / Are you insane? I just got a 50% raise by pretending I was gonna go form my own agency. I can't stay in bed. People actually notice when I don't show up to work.

Stevie · Paula:By the way, I can't go to Ojai this weekend because Eisner's taking the young turks to a Ducks game. / Are you gonna be like this the rest of your life? / Of course not. I already told you I'm doing this for 5 years and then I'm getting out. / You're so deluded. / OK. 8 years.

Beverly · Paula:I don't even know why you go out with the guy, Paula. / I just do. I like him. / I know you don't 'cause you think he's rude on the phone. / Yes, he is. Because I have a name and he never uses it. / Who, Larry? / No, that Stevie.

Beverly · Paula:Oh, there's trouble in paradise. / So, is he running from commitment? / Are you making fun of me? / No, I'm not. Are you running from commitment? / You're making fun of me. / No. I just want to make sure that he's meeting your needs.

Stevie · Paula:How long have we been going out? / I don't know. 3 months. 4 months. / Well, gee, time flies when you're having fun. / What do you want out of this relationship? / Guess the fun's over.

Paula · Stevie:What would you say if I told you I wanted to quit? / I don't know. Are you quitting? / Or if I said I wanted to have a baby? / Oh, my God, are you pregnant? / No, but it's nice to see what your reaction would be.

Paula · Stevie:How many of these clients would be up here if you and I weren't dating? / Jesus, Paula, I'm not going out with you to get my clients on the show. / That's good news. I guess you won't mind if I unbook Andy Kindler. / You can't do that. He's booked! / We've got a verbal contract. / I just did it.

Paula · Stevie:Bye, Jake Johannsen. These are good acts. / You know, I didn't force you to book them. I could've brought them to Letterman first. / Oh, I'm sure he'd be so thrilled to hear about Ed Begley Jr.'s fucking electric car.

Stevie · Paula:If you're gonna do that to them, then say good-bye to Jennifer Aniston. / You can't. / You can't unbook somebody who's booked for tonight. / I'll talk to you tonight. / No. I don't want to see you anymore. / Oh, I don't have time for this shit.

Paula · Beverly:Andy, do you know Beverly? / Mmm... excuse me. / I'm gonna go and eat up the rest of my cookie.

Paula · Andy Kindler:Listen, I don't make the final decisions around here, OK? / Oh, well, that's just bullshit. / Um, you know, maybe I could look at your tape again, if you want to leave it... with me.

Paula · Stevie · Larry:Oh, are you upset about what happened? / Yeah. / Oh, now you're gonna get me upset. / Tell her about the suit. / Paula, I'm terrified. I built up these walls inside me, and I'm sorry, it's so hard for me to open up. / What about the suit?

Artie · Larry · Paula:May I interrupt? / A Mr. Chen from the Asian-American Anti-Defamation League would like to talk to you about Peng Lee. / Is that the movie critic guy? / I wanted to say it, but I was afraid to, but he is lame. Everybody in town thinks so. He's not funny. / What do you think?

Artie · Larry · Paula:Well, I think we oughta tell this, uh, pain in the ass from the anti-defamation league that we think that the remote is detrimental to the Asian community. / Yeah. It is. / It's smart. Good press. Right. Exactly.

Paula · Larry:Hey, you... you didn't get back together with me just so you could get Jennifer Aniston back on the show, did you? / Of course not.

Paula · Beverly:Paula ignores a good morning greeting, Beverly repeats it, and Paula snaps: 'God! Don't be a prick about it.'

Paula · Beverly:Paula reveals she has a lump in her breast, then immediately adds: 'No-no-no. Don't hug, because then it feels serious and cancerous. And please stop staring at my tits.'

Paula:Paula explains her biopsy is today, admits the waiting is driving her crazy, but insists: 'It's not just the fact that I might die, but my doctor said I can't have coffee anymore. She said it could be a caffeine fibroid tumor. It's turning me into a colossal bitch.'

Artie · Paula:Paula says she's not comfortable discussing her 'bosom' with Artie. Artie says he knows what she's going through because 20 years ago he found a lump on one of his testicles.

Brett Butler · Paula:Brett Butler tells Paula their lesbian thing was 10 years ago and she shouldn't 'spend the rest of her career trying to dodge' her. Paula reveals she's been distracted because she thought she was dying — a tumor in her breast. Brett's relief: 'Oh, Paula, what a relief.' Then Paula: 'I thought you were mad at me.' Brett: [stunned] 'Are you serious? What's wrong?'

Brett Butler · Paula:Brett calls Paula 'very, very selfish' for caring more about Brett's opinion than her own cancer scare. Paula retorts: 'Oh, fuck you.' Brett: 'Oh, fuck you, fuck you.' Both burst into laughter.

Brett Butler · Paula:Brett apologizes to Paula backstage, admits: 'You're right. I do have my head up my ass.'

Hank Kingsley · Paula:Hank to Paula about the lesbian history: 'Hey, see what happens when you mess around with another chick? It's bad news, huh?' — completely missing the point of why Paula's day was difficult.

Paula · Beverly · New Water Man:Paula asked Sean to dinner by offering him a Coke after his 'water cooler exertions.' He said yes. Then: the water man has a girlfriend and the unzipped trip was 'pretty boring' — he's heterosexual and boring.

New Water Man · Paula:New water man to Paula: 'You're not American, but you speak American. That's pretty wild.'

Larry Sanders · Phil · Paula:Larry assigns roles: 'Phil, you could be the gossipy writer. Paula, you could be the sour booker.' Paula: 'Why am I the sour booker?'

Paula · Larry Sanders:Paula: 'You're the one who doesn't have to listen to these pathetic guests bitch and moan every time there's a little change. Apparently their little acting classes...' Larry: 'OK, great meeting, everybody! Let's get to work!'

Paula:Paula: 'I don't care about being famous or anything like that.' Beat. 'It would be really cool if someone from Pavement were to see this.'

Paula · Phil:Paula to Phil: 'You've never even performed, except of course at the bachelor parties.' Phil: 'You fuck you, asshole.'

Paula:Paula tells Phil: 'Just don't blow it for the rest of us, OK Paula?' — addressing him by her own name, inadvertently

Artie · Paula:Artie tells Paula before her segment: 'Don't worry about that... that thing you do with your voice.' Paula: 'What thing?' Artie: 'It just... cracks a bit.'

Artie · Paula:Artie tells Paula to keep her chin lower for camera. Then: 'the camera adds 20 pounds.' Paula: 'I thought it was 10.' Artie: 'No, no, that's for... that's for men.'

Paula · Larry Sanders:Paula's on-air interview — Larry: 'Why don't you tell people how we book the show?' Paula: 'I make phone calls. I ask people to do the show. They say no. I tell you. And you make me cry.'

Paula · Unknown Crew Member:After Paula's segment: 'Did you see? Were people laughing?' 'It was cute.' 'Cute.' 'Well yeah, it was cute in that funny kind of way.' 'How funny?'

Paula:Paula after her segment: 'Did I look like shit?' 'No, you looked cute.' 'Look, the next time, hold your chin up, because it made your face look kind of chunky.' 'I hate that word chunky.'

Paula:Paula: 'Then I hope someone from Pavement saw it, because I would like to date any one of those gentlemen.' Unknown: 'What's the Pavement?' Paula: 'It's a band.' [Long pause/cut]

Paula:Paula's Weezer pivot: 'My friend Sasha knows the bass player from Weezer. She's going to set us up and send him the tape from last night's show.' Then: 'Pavement, Weezer, Afghan Whigs, Beverly, it's all good.'

Paula:Paula and Phil react to Larry's reversal: 'I don't believe it. He's all over the place. He's just like my father. A hug and then a slap. It's tearing me apart.'

Paula:Garth Brooks, Victoria Principal, Steven Wright.

Paula:His skirt was at the dry cleaners, so there was a conflict. He couldn't do it.

Paula:Because black people find Larry to be white.

Paula:Oh, of course not, no. This is just information I wanted for myself.

Paula:It's just Larry hogs all the freebies.

Paula:Baby, you're talkin' like it's Friday, and it's only Wednesday.

Rosie O'Donnell · Paula:Rosie O'Donnell blows off the pre-interview. Producer Paula says Larry 'isn't really comfortable with just winging it.' Rosie: 'What is wrong with him? It's a talk show.'

Artie · Paula:Rosie tells Larry she'll 'just wing it.' Larry privately panics. Artie: 'Paula? Did you see Rosie O'Donnell on Tom Snyder the other night?' Paula: 'I'll get the pre-interview.' Artie: 'Exactly.'

Paula:Paula is caught smoking pot in the copy room while ostensibly 'just making a copy'

Mary Lou · Paula:Wow, everyone's salaries are in here. / Look how much Jake the grip makes. / Next time he asks me out, I'm gonna say yes.

Mary Lou · Paula:Goodness gracious, check out hair and makeup. Livin' large. / How can you make that much money for just standing around gossiping? / Oh, don't you just hate 'em? They have nothing better to do than just snoop in other peoples' business.

Marylou · Paula:Marylou: 'Remember when you were in Bosom Buddies and you had that wig on?' — putting Tom Hanks on hold mid-sentence

Paula:Paula to Marylou: 'I don't wanna hurt your feelings, OK? But clearly, you suck at this job. And if you don't get better, you're gonna get fired. This is not the cat counter at Petco, OK?'

Paula · Marylou:Paula to Marylou: 'Marylou is your friend. She's still learning, but this is the second time that Larry's been embarrassed because her notes have been wrong, and this has got to stop.' — then cut to Marylou getting the same speech verbatim from Paula

Tim Conway · Paula:Conway to Paula about Marylou: 'I got the trainee, right?' / Paula: 'She's great. Don't worry about it.' / Conway: 'I can imagine.'

Paula · Marylou:Paula to Larry in an aside: Harvey Fierstein's luggage was lost / Larry: 'Do you understand what I'm saying?' / Marylou: 'Yes, they lost his luggage.' / 'Right-o. So you'll be doing Tim Conway's pre-interview on your own. I gotta go find Artie.'

Marylou · Paula:Marylou's calendar mistake: she booked Nicolette Sheridan again tonight because 'It's right there. It's in your handwriting.' / Paula: 'Well, clearly, I wrote it on the wrong day. I didn't know that, so I booked her again.'

Paula:Paula backstage, reaction to wrong notes: 'I did! Cock suck, I don't understand it.'

Artie · Paula:Artie backstage to Paula: 'Hey, that would be a good new comedy bit for the show. I'll give Larry the right information, and then the guests will say something different, and then Larry'll act really mad, and then everyone will laugh.' / Paula: 'Letterman already does that.'

Paula:That brings me to me.

Larry · Paula:Why would you want to do a daytime show? / Granted, daytime doesn't thrill me, but it would give me the opportunity to produce.

Paula · Larry:Becky's great, and I love Harriet. / I don't even know which one is Harriet. / You'll learn their names within the year.

Paula:And I don't want to go, but I've been here 5 years, and I can only derive a limited amount of personal satisfaction from booking the parrot lady.

Artie · Paula:Congratulations on your promotion, Paula. / Oh, thank you. / You don't mind if I stand here with you, do you? / Where else would the new producer stand?

Paula · Artie:Wow. Did you learn a lot? / Oh, yes, and in 6 months, I replaced him.

Paula · Artie:You don't have to worry about that. / Ha! That's exactly what I said to Bob Sterling.

Staff · Paula:Look, we didn't get to help celebrate your promotion yesterday, so we went all out this morning. / Aww, you know how well I react to gestures of sentimentality. / Then blow out the candle.

Paula · Artie:Where... where's he going? [Artie walks out without explanation during the lighting dispute]

Larry · Paula:I don't have time to pick out a tie. / OK. Hey! Look at this one. It's perfect. / You don't think that'll make my face look puffy? / It's a tie. You put it on, and you go to make-up.

Phil · Hank · Paula:Phil's 'Hank's Hot Potato' patter: audience shouts in unison 'Hey, now, Hank, go fuck yourself'

Hank · Paula:Who's dealing with my hot potato problem? Is that addressed to me? Pardon me? / I'm not the cook here.

Paula · Jessica:So, heard you guys played the viper room the other night. / Yeah. We kicked ass. / Maybe you could kick ass on our show sometime. / Really? / Yeah. / Have you, uh, seen the band? / I don't need to.

Paula · Jessica:Paula approaches Jessica to tell her Phil writes better when unhappy — implies she should break up with him again

Paula:Who the fuck wants to produce the Mommies? Come on!

Larry · Paula:Listen, um, I'm gonna tell you something that I wouldn't tell you if you weren't leaving. / Is it gonna hurt my feelings? / No, I don't think it's gonna hurt your feelings. I... I happen to really like you. I mean, um... you know, I'm not a happy man.

Paula · Larry:I don't think so. / Why not? / I'm not your type. My breasts are real. / You know, I could get used to that.

Larry · Paula:Do you like me? I mean, if you weren't workin' with me... / Sure. Yes. I like you. / My God, you've got a wall up... / OK! We'll go to dinner! / Good! Fine! I'd like to go to dinner. / Don't be so uptight. / Well, I've never been fired like this before! / We're gonna have such a good time.

Brian · Paula:Oh, can I have your stapler? / Brian!

Artie · Paula:Suppose you got what you wanted, huh? / What I want is to do the best possible show.

Artie · Paula:Aw, come on. Look at you. You're young, you're bright, you're pretty. / That's what I was when Larry first saw me. / I hate myself.

Artie · Paula:You were pushing just a little too hard. / I still think there are a few tricks this old producer might teach you. / I'd like that. / Great. / So I can stay? / Well, I'm sure that's what Larry would want.

Paula:We have no monologue.