Beverly and the Prop Job

it was made of salami.

Host:Hey... buona notte. That's-a nice suit.

Well, I can see the morta della constellation.

And the planet bologna.

Oh, and there goes the entire 'piccoloaf' galaxy.

Mmm... God, this salami stinks.

Well, that's 'cause you're looking through the wrong end.

Artie:Evidently, Bob barker has no remaining sense of smell.

Artie:No. It's very difficult to find someone who can make a salami telescope that looks functional and that doesn't stink.

Larry:Artie, I don't smell, do I?

Beverly:9:00? That's too late. I can change it to 8:00.

Larry:Ahem. 8:30?

Beverly:Well... 8:30.

Larry:9:00 sounds right. All right.

They have an umbrella cockatoo that already says, 'hello, daddy.'

Artie:Tasmanian two tufted canary has a lovely bel canto. ♪br-r-r-r-r ♪ ♪r-r-roo-roo ♪

Larry:I honestly don't want to see Leno get one fucking new viewer just because they disagree with my stand on affirmative action and don't know his opinion about anything.

Beverly:Um, do you want Mexican food or Japanese food tonight?

Clyde:This show is like the waltons. They got their little colored girl takin' out the garbage.

Clyde:You wanna be the only fly in the buttermilk?

Clyde:Too much affirmative talk and not enough action.

Clyde:He's gonna be askin' you to shine his shoes.

Larry:Say, beverly, listen, you know those shoes the wardrobe department sent over? ...would you mind lacin' them up?

Clyde:Close enough?

His skirt was at the dry cleaners, so there was a conflict. He couldn't do it.

Paula:Because black people find Larry to be white.

Hank:You want me to turn gay, don't you?

Paula:Oh... yes, please. Make all of San Francisco's dreams come true.

Phil:Oh, well, Larry won't hire them. I mean, personally, I think it's terrible. I think it's unfortunate and embarrassing for all of us, but, as Larry said, in the super-secret memo, 'if it ain't white, it ain't right.'

Beverly:You are such an asshole, Phil, you know that?

Phil:Yeah.

Phil:You know, if you're writing an article, don't use my name.

Paula:It's just Larry hogs all the freebies.

Paula:She's in love with wesley snipes.

Beverly:Well, he's really cute, but I... excuse me.

Beverly:People always say that, but, you know, when I put the stuff on my face, I break out.

Paula:She can get her money back.

It's a fruit phone. Put the banana up to your ear.

Beverly:Well... if you mean can he make a salami telescope, yeah, I think so.

Beverly:Black people will never have as much experience as white people because up till 10 years ago, black people had no props.

Larry:I would like some yogurt.

Paula:Baby, you're talkin' like it's Friday, and it's only Wednesday.

Beverly:Yeah. Well, if Larry asks, tell him I went out to get his yogurt.

Larry:Forget our confusion. You know, we always had the impression that Hank was an only child.

Hank:It's all connections. That's how your... your son got the job. Good-looking boy.

Wendy:Hello. Larry Sanders show. Who's calling? Larry's in a meeting at the moment. Could you please hold? Thank you and... cheerio.

Artie:I'm having a stroke.

Artie:Well, I see that talent runs like a cancer through the Kingsley household.

Artie:otherwise elly may will be cutting up your fruit and telling you how loverly the show was last night.

Larry:I have... I, honestly, I have no more niks, and I use a paring knife.

Larry:if it's a weeknight.

Larry:you must just go home and rub cash on your face.

Victoria Principal:Are you two married?

Larry:No.

Victoria:Are you two married?

Larry:No.

Wendy:It's like when I met Jack nicholson, I died. I mean, I started kicking everyone all around. People thought it was some sort of an earth tremor or something.

Hank:It's an elizabeth Taylor night light, and she just whipped it up in 15 seconds. ...And, by the way, this is actual hair.

Artie:Listen, not only is it ugly, it's a fire hazard. If Larry turned this on, he'd go up in flames.

Beverly's father:$800 a week. Stick with Larry.

Beverly:I came to your office, and you were wearing genie pants and a turban. I thought it was so hysterical.

Beverly:I wish I could give you a big, hot kiss, but I know that would make you feel awkward.

Beverly:I haven't eaten anything but cereal for the last 3 days.

Larry:That's why we haven't had him on. You're fun.

Artie:Oh, hell, cut the crap. That's not your sister. I saw you dry-humping under the bleachers.

Artie:Fucked by the black man again?

Artie:Fucked by the black man again?

Clyde:You know how hard it is to work on somethin' that little? First your eyes, they start to water, and then the headaches creep up.

Clyde:Did you ever think would heavy d would let hisself get that fat? I don't think I could let myself get that fat.

Beverly:Um, it's about clyde.

Larry:Oh, what now?

Beverly:Is there any way we could get rid of him?

Larry:No.

Wendy:It's like when I met Jack Nicholson, I died. I mean, I started kicking everyone all around. People thought it was some sort of an earth tremor or something.

Wendy:Listen, um, my mom's down in the car, and I was wondering if maybe Larry could come down and take a quick photo.

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Artie, my sister made this. / What is it? / It's an Elizabeth Taylor night light, and she just whipped it up in 15 seconds. It was just amazing to watch her mind at work. And, by the way, this is actual hair.

Artie:Not only is it ugly, it's a fire hazard. If Larry turned this on, he'd go up in flames. Throw it away.

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Could she play the flute for Larry? / No. / Well, we had a lady in today who can.

Beverly:Sometimes I get so confused and it's like, 'Am I over there because I'm doing a good job. Do they even respect me over there, or am I just a token?'

Larry Sanders:Let's not have David Duchovny on anymore. I literally don't have anything left to say to the guy.

Beverly · Larry Sanders · Artie:Beverly's letter: 'I remember the first day I interviewed for the job with you. I came to your office, and you were wearing genie pants and a turban.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:I remember those genie pants. / Keep reading.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Is there a 'P.S.'? / No.

Larry · Beverly:Larry tells Beverly he'll hire her cousin Clyde for the prop job. 'I checked wpjp. It's a great station.'

Larry Sanders:I haven't eaten anything but cereal for the last 3 days.

Beverly · Larry Sanders:Laurence Fishburne doesn't make me laugh. / That's why we haven't had him on.

Hank Kingsley · Unknown · Artie:Did Larry hire some black guy with no experience? / He worked for WPJP. / WPJP? What is that? / Excuse me — local shit affiliate.

Hank Kingsley · Artie:How can you say that about my sister? / Oh, hell, cut the crap. That's not your sister. I saw you dry-humping under the bleachers.

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Nice try, Hank. / Job's gone. / Fucked by the black man again?

Beverly:I have been working so hard today on this Barbie doll. I made her these 5 monster dinosaur outfits, and it was so difficult 'cause they're so little.

Beverly:I have to get Larry birdseed and a cuttlefish, and I have to order him some of those new underpants, the ones that won't leave a line when he's wearing his tennis shorts.

Clyde:Did you ever think Heavy D would let himself get that fat? I don't think I could let myself get that fat. Well, I guess if they paid me that kind of money I could get that fat, but then I'd have to get a sweat suit and work it off because I have to move 'cause my apartment's so small.

Clyde · Beverly:Well, this is working out pretty well, don't you think? I mean, he's doin' a good job. / Would you shut up, Clyde?

Beverly · Larry Sanders · Artie:Um, Larry, I have a favor to ask you. / Oh, excuse me. What? / Artie? Artie? / Um, it's about Clyde. / Oh, what now? / Is there any way we could get rid of him? / No.