Larry's Big Idea

Larry:You know, American consumers will put up with a lot, but pillsbury realized that they had finally stepped over the line with anatomically correct poppin' fresh.

Larry:All right. All right. So he's right once. Who cares?

Larry:And then we could have a nosy black secretary. Oh, and who's gonna play that part? Oh, come on. You'll be great. You can do that black thing you always do.

Larry:we can use the security guard with a lisp, because I don't think anybody's gone all the way with a lisp since truman capote passed away

Phil:I believe that lisp is castilian Spanish. You know, like, barcelona... gracias.

Paula:You're the one who doesn't have to listen to these pathetic guests bitch and moan every time there's a little change. Apparently, their little acting classes...

Artie:There's a moat... a canal that goes around the castle to protect it. In this case, the castle is our show, and the moat is between the staff and the talent.

Artie:when the drawbridge goes up every night at 11:30, there's only one man in the castle... that's king Larry.

Larry:Jesus, can't you just say you don't like the idea without giving me all that other crap?

Artie:I hate the fucking idea, OK? Because they'd be crossing the talent moat.

Phil:I don't know. I think a cardigan makes me look too geeky. You know? I'm supposed to be a gossip, not mister rogers.

Artie:You know, there's a reason they sell day-old bread at half price.

Larry:If you can get arrested every time you make love to something that doesn't move, I'm the next birdman of alcatraz.

Larry:I'm going right from here to a singles cemetery, by the way. 'Hey, so, what sign were you?'

Larry:I have never been able to go that long, I swear to God. 2 flips and I fall asleep.

Larry:A fossil discovered in kenya shows that man was actually walking upright 4 million years ago and was married to Anna Nicole Smith

Larry:I'm thinking of having breast implants put in my hands so it feels like I'm with someone.

Larry:Do you think they should wear swimsuits, Hank?

Hank:Yes, I do, because I think we should have a... a choice.

Larry:I have no idea what that means, but I think... I think, personally, the swimsuits are sexist. I think they should wear more of a cocktail waitress outfit.

Larry:I wish I had known this before I went out and bought one of those big exercise wheels.

Larry:There... there's the joke.

Larry:The monologue seem a little weak to you tonight? That's because instead of writing, Phil spent all day reading uta hagen's respect for acting.

Larry:Would you stop worrying? We crossed the talent creek, and I don't think there's been a problem.

Artie:It's the talent moat, and it goes around the castle...

Larry:Oh, and don't get thrown by the lights in your face. Sometimes they're really bright and you can't see the cue cards, but you got your lines memorized, right?

Larry:But... if they smell fear, they're gonna tear you to shreds.

Phil:Well, uh, today in your office, an older gentleman on our staff came in, took off his sweatpants and his briefs, and started sliding around on your leather sofa for about 45 minutes.

Larry:Well, didn't he see you standing there?

Phil:No, because I was under your desk.

Phil:I could be the next Chris Elliott.

Larry:I think the world is content with the current Chris Elliott.

Larry:Oh, really? Really? So someone said I wear a girdle? What? No. No. I'm sorry. No, they didn't. Did they say I need to wear a girdle?

Phil:Uh, gee, I can't. I'm uh, playing with my peers.

Phil:I don't care about being famous or anything like that. No everyone wants to be famous. I don't, honest to God. I mean, it would be really cool if someone from pavement were to see this, but...

Paula:You fuck you, asshole.

Larry:Don't worry about that... that thing you do with your voice.

Paula:What thing?

Larry:Well, it just... it just cracks a bit.

Larry:No, no, no, that's for... that's for men.

Larry:why don't you tell me about it after the show when you're driving home and I'm not there?

Paula:I make phone calls. I ask people to do the show.

Larry:Uh-huh.

Paula:They say no.

Larry:Right.

Paula:I tell you, and you make me cry.

Beverly:you want to hold your chin up, 'cause it made your face look kind of chunky.

Paula:I hate that word chunky.

Beverly:How chunky?

Hank:Oh, I blew a guy on the way over here. How's that?

Larry:Here come the boat people.

Kent:when I yell, 'we're clear,' I'm actually yelling, 'we're queer.'

Larry:Oh, no, I never noticed that.

Kent:Well, you know, it really busts up the crew.

Sid:I'm the half-naked cue-card guy

Larry:Usually, he's sitting in that prop room sniffing those magic markers. Yes. Now he's running around half-naked. What an improvement.

Larry:Oh, beverly, please do not play the race card

Artie:OK, look, we've veered off course, now we've come about. The wind is in our sails.

Beverly:Don't give me your country club metaphor bullshit! I told everybody I know that I was going to be on television. I even got my legs waxed.

Courteney Cox:But, hey, you bounced back, and now you got your own hit TV series

Phil:we rode the pony all night long.

Beverly:Yuck. That is disgusting.

Phil:No, no, it was beautiful, and her kid only woke up once.

Larry:Iove sparky, popo, the kid with the shaved head.

Larry:where you walk out onto the street and actually try to pay your bus fare with a meatloaf. Or... meatloaf? Well, it doesn't have to be meatloaf. It could be, you know, spackling compound.

Larry:There is no... there is no land. Where are you going? That's not land. There's only water.

Hank:Hi, neighbor. Can I borrow some sugar?

Larry:You can't borrow some sugar. There's no sugar. There's only water.

Dave:This guy's making us all look bad.

Beverly · Artie:Beverly: 'It's always the black woman that gets screwed.' Artie: 'Beverly, please do not play the race card.' Beverly: 'Excuse me?'

Artie · Beverly:Artie's sailing metaphor: 'We've veered off course, now we've come about. The wind is in our sails.' Beverly: 'Oh come on, Artie! Don't give me your country club metaphor bullshit!'

Beverly:Beverly: 'I told everybody I know that I was going to be on television. I even got my legs waxed.'

Artie:Artie's response to Beverly's leg-waxing confession: 'Thank you. Thank you very much.'

Unknown Staff Member:Unknown staff member with elaborate water options for Courteney Cox: 'Poland? Evian? Arrowhead? Pellegrino?' — then for fruit: 'Mango? Papaya? Pineapple? Kiwi. No... no skin.'

Hank Kingsley · Courteney Cox:Hank to Courteney Cox: 'I just wanted to drop by and tell you how badly I feel about Kurt Cobain. But hey, you bounced back, and now you've got your own hit TV series.' Someone: 'I think that's Courtney Love you're thinking about.'

Hank Kingsley:After correction, Hank doubles down: 'Well, at least you didn't have to go through that, you know?'

Paula:Paula's Weezer pivot: 'My friend Sasha knows the bass player from Weezer. She's going to set us up and send him the tape from last night's show.' Then: 'Pavement, Weezer, Afghan Whigs, Beverly, it's all good.'

Phil:Phil's morning-after glow: 'Last night at King's Road I met this unbelievably cute waitress. She saw me on the show, took me home, and we rode the pony all night long.'

Phil:Phil: 'And her kid only woke up once.'

Unknown Staff Member · Courteney Cox:Staff member offering Courteney Cox sandwiches: '5-grain? 7-grain? Organic squaw bread? Focaccia?' Then fruit: listing options before concluding 'Well, it is fall, but for you, it shall be spring.'

Larry Sanders · Courteney Cox:Larry's pitch to Courteney Cox for the remote segment: walk out onto the street and try to pay bus fare with a meatloaf. 'Or... meatloaf?' She says she prefers sketches. 'It could be, you know, spackling compound. We'll come up with something funny.'

Larry Sanders:Courteney Cox convinces Larry to go back to sketches. Larry immediately declares: 'I don't think we should be doing the staff interviews or the backstage pieces. Letterman already does those. Let's stick to the sketches.' — complete reversal of his episode-long stance.

Paula:Paula and Phil react to Larry's reversal: 'I don't believe it. He's all over the place. He's just like my father. A hug and then a slap. It's tearing me apart.'

Artie:Artie in the Columbus sketch: 'There is no land. Where are you going? That's not land. There's only water.' Neighbor: 'Can I borrow some sugar?' Artie: 'You can't borrow some sugar. There's no sugar. There's only water. How can you grow sugar when there's no water?'

Unknown Audience Members:Two audience members watching the sketch on TV: 'Morty? Dave. You watching this piece of crap? This guy's making us all look bad.'