Regis Philbin causes some major unrest when he intimates to Hank that there might be place for him on Regis' new show. Larry and Artie worry about what guest Bobcat Goldthwait might do to top his chair-burning incident on The Tonight Show.
WAR
118.2
Wins Above Replacement
“Like No Business I Know” ranks #5 of 90 The Larry Sanders Show episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 91.9 — Elite. The episode packs 86 scored jokes at 3.0 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.3 on impact, with Artie landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Paula: Your fly's open.
Larry: Thank you.
Paula: Don't mention it. Part of my job.
Larry: Looking at my crotch?
Paula: I consider it a perk.
Paula: Your fly's open.
Larry: Thank you.
Paula: Don't mention it. Part of my job.
Larry: Looking at my crotch?
Paula: I consider it a perk.
Darlene Callback Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Hank: Does Joyce ever give you career advice?
Regis: No, no. Never.
Bobcat Goldthwait: Bobcat on air: 'Here, go crazy, go nuts! Dance for us, monkey boy! Dance!' — then apparently goes physical/wild on set
Larry: People always have told me everything all my life. I can't help that.
All Jokes — 86 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Set his furniture on fire?
Oh, no, don't set that on fire.
Paula: That bobcat has got serious mental problems.
Unknown: Paula, don't say 'balls.' Men find that off-putting.
Unknown: Don't say 'tip.'
They're whores. Whores. Whores.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Larry: if I wanted to see furniture destroyed or our set ablaze, I'd go over to Jimmy Caan's place
Larry: I get the spring right up my ass
Larry: My ass is my fortune
Hank: Hey, now.
Hank: It's the same as its always been.
Hank: No, no, I don't think so... hey, now!
Regis: Look out! Who's that big stud in the mustache? Uh-oh! Hey! Uh-oh!
Hank: the wife's been on my ass a little bit about the snacks. I put the crackers out in the garage, and something got into that box and built a nest
Regis: I'm the luckiest man in show business, or, uh... everyone says so. I have to agree.
Hank: What would say? / I'd say that's great! That's great!
Hank: Well, who's the lucky cable channel?
Regis: No! No cable, no, no. Network.
Hank: Get outta here, Regis Philbin
Hank: Wow. Well, that is, uh... that is, um... that's an honor. I'm, um... I'm honored and I'm deeply... I'm honored.
Hank: My wife Margaret. She gets mad when I'm... I'm late. She doesn't get mad, she gets, uh, upset... concerned!
Hank: Call Margaret! Tell her I'm 2 to 4 minutes late!
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Bobcat: I actually burned my ass. I got a couple welts on it from it.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Bobcat: I don't want to toot my own horn, but I was pretty proud that I could actually get a couple jokes off while this was going on
Artie Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Artie: I just love your clown movie. I'm just a sucker for drunk clowns.
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Artie: don't get near my fucking plants. They're my babies.
Hank: Jesus Christ. Ho! ♪ it is Sidney, it is Sidney ♪
Bobcat Reaction Beat Character Comedy Hank: You are... you are my mother?
Sid: All right, I'm your mother.
Hank: Live with Hank and Kathie Lee
Sidney Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Sid: Hank-eleh. Chach-keleh. This is not a smart move.
Sidney Observational Character Comedy Sid: The last time I had lunch with my wife I ended up redoing the living room in a pattern that I'm not allowed to sit down on
Hank: Just a mild concussion. Don't worry yourself. Please?
Hank Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Paula: not enough oxygen to the brain as a fetus, that's my first guess.
Larry: That would be mine.
Larry: What happened?
Paula: He married her.
Hank: Well, I'd like to know what we're talking about before I do that.
Larry: Don't worry about it. Take a chair. Just a man-to-man chat.
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Hank: You got some action, huh? You finally bagged that chick at NBC, right?
Larry: People always have told me everything all my life. I can't help that.
Larry: If I was pussy-whipped, you'd be talking to me the way I'm talking to you now.
Larry: She looks at you like she's got X-ray vision. Gives me the creeps.
Hank: that is a severe astigmatism, OK?
Larry: I can't allow her to lift her skirt for every other show that comes along!
Hank Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Hank: You do not apply the term 'pussy whipped' to Hank Kingsley. No? No. He has never been, nor never will be whipped by anything let alone a pussy.
Assistant: Margaret called. She says it's urgent.
Hank: See that? Yeah, I'm really pussy whipped. She call from home or the car?
Assistant: Home.
Hank: Yeah, like I give a shit.
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Hank: Ask me about my lady again.
Bobcat: Guy's a fucking wing nut.
Artie Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Sid: where you locked her in the trunk of a Camaro, as she puts it, 'for laughs.'
Hank: No. What? Oh, no, no, no, no. That's Cathy Lee Crosby.
Artie Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Hank: Oh! Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Shit!
Hank Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Bobcat: I'm gonna have an ipecac in a coffee mug... that's the stuff that induces vomiting. So the first time I hear 'Cody,' I'm take a big fucking swig off it, and then boom! I'm just gonna projectile-vomit all over Kathie Lee.
Paula: Your fly's open.
Larry: Thank you.
Paula: Don't mention it. Part of my job.
Larry: Looking at my crotch?
Paula: I consider it a perk.
Paula: Your fly's open.
Larry: Thank you.
Paula: Don't mention it. Part of my job.
Larry: Looking at my crotch?
Paula: I consider it a perk.
Darlene Callback Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Larry: Well, good luck getting that plane. You know, there are not many that go to New York.
Artie: I raised it from a mere nut.
Larry: Oh, yeah? Those come from nuts, huh?
Artie: From a... a small nut.
Larry: Unlike your date palms. They come from dates.
Fall, '97.
What'd you say?
Fall, '97.
Hank: Does Joyce ever give you career advice?
Regis: No, no. Never.
Artie: Jesus Christ, Hank! Oh, my baby!
Bobcat: Dance for us, monkey boy! Dance! Aah!
Elderly stagehand: One minute I'm standing behind the curtain eating a mint, the next thing I know, I got a cardboard mountain up my ass.
Sid Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Elderly stagehand: Eddie Cantor was funny. If I didn't have arthritis, I'd knock you right on your ass.
Elderly stagehand: Eddie Cantor was funny. If I didn't have arthritis, I'd knock you right on your ass.
Bobcat: I wouldn't do it if it wasn't televised.
Hank: I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm a fucking mess. My marriage... my marriage is, uh... my life... my life is a fuckin' mess...
Larry: This is fine.
Hank: What do you mean it's fine? You mean I can stay?
Larry: Yeah.
Hank: Stay? Really?
Larry: Yeah. See you tomorrow?
Hank: See you tomorrow.
Artie: I called the fucker in your office here. And I told him he was pussy-whipped and he better get...
Larry: OK, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it.
Artie: I handled it.
Larry: I don't really need to know.
Artie Larry Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Artie: I called the fucker in your office here. And I told him he was pussy-whipped and he better get...
Larry: OK, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it.
Artie: I handled it.
Larry: I don't really need to know.
Larry: But I'd tell Kathie Lee to stay about 10 feet back, OK? That's a little tip.
Larry · Artie: I really don't want to have Regis on again. / At least he didn't sing. / Yeah. No, I'll give him that.
Larry Sanders · Artie: Larry on Regis after the on-air segment: 'I was really uncomfortable. I really don't want to have Regis on again.' 'At least he didn't sing.' 'Yeah. No, I'll give him that.'
Larry · Artie: I really don't want to have Regis on again. At least he didn't sing. / Yeah. No, I'll give him that.
Artie: Let me get my baby elephant palm off the set. I raised it from a mere nut.
Artie Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Artie: Artie threatens Bobcat with his plants: 'Let me get my baby elephant palm off the set. I raised it from a mere nut.'
Artie Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Artie · Larry Sanders: The date palm/date fruit tangent: 'Unlike your date palms, they come from dates. Different kind of... well, you know?' 'Yeah.' 'You've had a date, haven't you?' 'I mean the fruit.' 'Right.' 'Well, that's where it grows from.' 'What?' 'From the seed in the date.' 'The palm does?'
Hank Kingsley · Regis Philbin: Mid-plant-discussion, Hank appears and tells Regis he's in on the sidekick offer — completely derailing the botanical conversation
Regis Philbin · Hank Kingsley: Regis: 'We're gonna start in the fall of '97.' Hank: 'What'd you say?' '...in the fall of '97.' 'But I... when are you leaving the morning show?' 'When my contract expires, which is in the fall of '97.' 'Um, but you're not quitting the show now?' 'No. What, are you nuts, Hank?'
Hank Kingsley · Regis Philbin: Hank, shell-shocked, asks Regis: 'Does Joyce ever give you career advice?' Regis: 'No, no. Never.' [long pause] — Hank staring into the middle distance
Hank · Regis: Does Joyce ever give you career advice? No, no. Never.
Artie: Artie walks in on the aftermath: 'Jesus Christ, Hank!' followed by 'Oh, my baby!' — apparently rushing to protect his plant
Artie Running Gag Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Larry Sanders · Bobcat Goldthwait: On-air Bobcat interview: Larry brings up the Tonight Show despite Bobcat explicitly saying he didn't want to discuss it due to legal reasons. Bobcat: 'I distinctly said I didn't want to.'
Bobcat Goldthwait: Bobcat on air: 'Here, go crazy, go nuts! Dance for us, monkey boy! Dance!' — then apparently goes physical/wild on set
Larry Sanders: Larry: 'This is usually when they go to a commercial.' — delivered directly to camera or to the room as the chaos continues
Larry Sanders Meta/Self-Referential Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Old Man in Wheelchair: Old man in wheelchair after Bobcat's chaos: 'One minute I'm standing behind the curtain eating a mint, the next thing I know I got a cardboard mountain up my ass.'
Old Man in Wheelchair: Old man: 'You young people don't know what funny is. Eddie Cantor was funny. If I didn't have arthritis, I'd knock you right on your ass.'
Artie · Bobcat Goldthwait: Artie escorting Bobcat out: 'I'll escort you to your dressing room in case you get the urge to push a coke machine over on Michael Bolton.' Bobcat: 'I wouldn't do it if it wasn't televised.'
Hank Kingsley: Hank's breakdown to Larry: 'Well, bottom line is, I'm just... I'm... I'm... I'm a fucking mess. My marriage... my marriage is, uh... my life... my life is a fuckin' mess.'
Larry Sanders · Hank Kingsley: Larry's resolution with Hank: 'Fine. This is fine.' / Hank: 'What do you mean it's fine?' / Larry: 'You mean I can stay? Yeah. Stay?' / 'Really?' / 'Yeah. See you tomorrow?' / 'S-see you tomorrow.' / 'Great. Little smile?' / 'OK. Good.'
Hank · Larry: Little smile? / OK. Good.
Larry Sanders · Artie: Larry tells Artie to rehire Hank; Artie reveals he didn't know Hank had quit. Larry: 'Well, I'd like to know if someone quits.' Artie: 'Well, you told me you didn't want to know.'
Artie · Larry Sanders: Artie describes handling Hank: 'I called the fucker in your office here. And I told him he was pussy-whipped and he better get—' Larry: 'OK, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it.'
Regis Philbin: Regis in the hallway: '2 years to get on the show, 2 years in the hallway. Ha ha ha.'
Regis: 2 years to get on the show, 2 years in the hallway. Ha ha ha.
Regis Character Comedy Observational Artie: Artie's parting shot to Regis: 'But I'd tell Kathie Lee to stay about 10 feet back. OK? That's a little tip.'
Artie Dark/Subversive Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Unknown Producer: Episode closes on the chaos of Bobcat apparently having done something more, staff panic, producer saying: 'You know, this is gonna be all over the press in the morning. How's that gonna make us look?'
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