Like No Business I Know

Set his furniture on fire?

Oh, no, don't set that on fire.

Paula:That bobcat has got serious mental problems.

Unknown:Paula, don't say 'balls.' Men find that off-putting.

Unknown:Don't say 'tip.'

They're whores. Whores. Whores.

Larry:if I wanted to see furniture destroyed or our set ablaze, I'd go over to Jimmy Caan's place

Larry:I get the spring right up my ass

Larry:My ass is my fortune

Hank:Hey, now.

Hank:It's the same as its always been.

Hank:No, no, I don't think so... hey, now!

Regis:Look out! Who's that big stud in the mustache? Uh-oh! Hey! Uh-oh!

Hank:the wife's been on my ass a little bit about the snacks. I put the crackers out in the garage, and something got into that box and built a nest

Regis:I'm the luckiest man in show business, or, uh... everyone says so. I have to agree.

Hank:What would say? / I'd say that's great! That's great!

Hank:Well, who's the lucky cable channel?

Regis:No! No cable, no, no. Network.

Hank:Get outta here, Regis Philbin

Hank:Wow. Well, that is, uh... that is, um... that's an honor. I'm, um... I'm honored and I'm deeply... I'm honored.

Hank:My wife Margaret. She gets mad when I'm... I'm late. She doesn't get mad, she gets, uh, upset... concerned!

Hank:Call Margaret! Tell her I'm 2 to 4 minutes late!

Bobcat:I actually burned my ass. I got a couple welts on it from it.

Bobcat:I don't want to toot my own horn, but I was pretty proud that I could actually get a couple jokes off while this was going on

Artie:I just love your clown movie. I'm just a sucker for drunk clowns.

Artie:don't get near my fucking plants. They're my babies.

Hank:Jesus Christ. Ho! ♪ it is Sidney, it is Sidney ♪

Hank:You are... you are my mother?

Sid:All right, I'm your mother.

Hank:Live with Hank and Kathie Lee

Sid:Hank-eleh. Chach-keleh. This is not a smart move.

Sid:The last time I had lunch with my wife I ended up redoing the living room in a pattern that I'm not allowed to sit down on

Hank:Just a mild concussion. Don't worry yourself. Please?

Paula:not enough oxygen to the brain as a fetus, that's my first guess.

Larry:That would be mine.

Larry:What happened?

Paula:He married her.

Hank:Well, I'd like to know what we're talking about before I do that.

Larry:Don't worry about it. Take a chair. Just a man-to-man chat.

Hank:You got some action, huh? You finally bagged that chick at NBC, right?

Larry:People always have told me everything all my life. I can't help that.

Larry:If I was pussy-whipped, you'd be talking to me the way I'm talking to you now.

Larry:She looks at you like she's got X-ray vision. Gives me the creeps.

Hank:that is a severe astigmatism, OK?

Larry:I can't allow her to lift her skirt for every other show that comes along!

Hank:I quit.

Hank:You do not apply the term 'pussy whipped' to Hank Kingsley. No? No. He has never been, nor never will be whipped by anything let alone a pussy.

Assistant:Margaret called. She says it's urgent.

Hank:See that? Yeah, I'm really pussy whipped. She call from home or the car?

Assistant:Home.

Hank:Yeah, like I give a shit.

Hank:Ask me about my lady again.

Bobcat:Guy's a fucking wing nut.

Sid:where you locked her in the trunk of a Camaro, as she puts it, 'for laughs.'

Hank:No. What? Oh, no, no, no, no. That's Cathy Lee Crosby.

Hank:Oh! Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Shit!

Bobcat:I'm gonna have an ipecac in a coffee mug... that's the stuff that induces vomiting. So the first time I hear 'Cody,' I'm take a big fucking swig off it, and then boom! I'm just gonna projectile-vomit all over Kathie Lee.

Paula:Your fly's open.

Larry:Thank you.

Paula:Don't mention it. Part of my job.

Larry:Looking at my crotch?

Paula:I consider it a perk.

Paula:Your fly's open.

Larry:Thank you.

Paula:Don't mention it. Part of my job.

Larry:Looking at my crotch?

Paula:I consider it a perk.

Hank:You are cold, baby.

Larry:Well, good luck getting that plane. You know, there are not many that go to New York.

Artie:I raised it from a mere nut.

Larry:Oh, yeah? Those come from nuts, huh?

Artie:From a... a small nut.

Larry:Unlike your date palms. They come from dates.

Fall, '97.

What'd you say?

Fall, '97.

Hank:Does Joyce ever give you career advice?

Regis:No, no. Never.

Artie:Jesus Christ, Hank! Oh, my baby!

Bobcat:Dance for us, monkey boy! Dance! Aah!

Elderly stagehand:One minute I'm standing behind the curtain eating a mint, the next thing I know, I got a cardboard mountain up my ass.

Elderly stagehand:Eddie Cantor was funny. If I didn't have arthritis, I'd knock you right on your ass.

Elderly stagehand:Eddie Cantor was funny. If I didn't have arthritis, I'd knock you right on your ass.

Bobcat:I wouldn't do it if it wasn't televised.

Hank:I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm a fucking mess. My marriage... my marriage is, uh... my life... my life is a fuckin' mess...

Larry:This is fine.

Hank:What do you mean it's fine? You mean I can stay?

Larry:Yeah.

Hank:Stay? Really?

Larry:Yeah. See you tomorrow?

Hank:See you tomorrow.

Artie:I called the fucker in your office here. And I told him he was pussy-whipped and he better get...

Larry:OK, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it.

Artie:I handled it.

Larry:I don't really need to know.

Artie:I called the fucker in your office here. And I told him he was pussy-whipped and he better get...

Larry:OK, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it.

Artie:I handled it.

Larry:I don't really need to know.

Larry:But I'd tell Kathie Lee to stay about 10 feet back, OK? That's a little tip.