Hank Kingsley

Hank:White cake with coconut sprinkles?

Hank:If someone invented a camera that could take snapshots of our feelings, I would take a picture of this moment and keep it in the wallet of my heart forever.

Hank:The powers that be want to put a price on what we have here, and I'm afraid that price is just too low.

Hank:On the Andropolis. The Andropolis, let me fill you in, was a Greek liner. It was a luxury...

Hank · Staff:Hank's speech is interrupted and a stripper pops out of a large cake — going-away party revealed as a surprise sex party

Hank:Thank you. I had no idea that you and Paul could... Phil. Could be so, you know, openly expressive about your affection.

Hank · Stripper/Barbara:Well... it's very nice to meet you. Meet me? You've done a hell of a lot more than meet me.

Stripper/Barbara · Hank:You asshole. That number you gave me was to some dry cleaner's in Torrance. Yeah, the area code got changed. I don't know how come. Bullshit. I am not your whore.

Hank:Does the LXE have a limited slip differential? ...What is the limited slip differential? ...Why do I need this car anyway? I already have a car.

Hank:Maury Povich, yeah. Thank you.

Hank · Larry:Talk to Shel recently? About anything in particular? No, about my hair weave. About my leaving.

Hank:A woman I happen to have met pops out of a very large present.

Hank:What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the fuck is so comical about that?

Larry · Hank:You cut one? What the hell was that? [beat] That was the speaker phone.

Hank:Nice try. No, someone's listening to our conversation on the speaker phone.

Hank:I'm tired of being your personal village idiot.

Artie · Hank:The trend in talk shows today is not to have a sidekick. Yeah, it is a dying art... but I've been having talks with Dick Cavett about co-hosting.

Hank · Artie:What's he doing? He has his own talk show on CNBC. CNBC? What the hell is that? What's that mean? No, my TV stops at channel 13, the way it's supposed to.

Hank:Arty, I'm not going anywhere. I got the network by the balls on this one.

Hank:'Hey, you untalented, overpriced sidekick, you're just another piece of meat to us, so why don't you take what we gave you last year and be happy with that, you worthless piece of shit?'

Hank:Well, I can't do that, can I? ... I've just been on national TV and I've just said, 'Hank Kingsley will not cave in.' So, I am fucked.

Hank · Larry:It's gonna be bad enough when this thing hits the front page of Variety. The second page, at least.

Hank:Zip on Cavett. I'm bluffing.

Larry · Hank:I thought you were bluffing. [long beat] Oh, my God.

Larry · Hank:Did you get the salary bump? [long pause] Yes.

Hank:The salary bump was so great that I felt I should give them something. So, you know... I don't need syndication points.

Larry · Hank:What about the vacation? Three weeks? Week and a half.

Hank:I had to pay for it myself, so don't tell anybody, okay?

Hank · Larry:You know how I feel about this. You're gonna kiss me this time. No, come on, come on.

Hank:Hank misreads the 'Applause' sign as 'Applesauce' then immediately corrects himself

Hank:Hank's reaction to news of the divorce: 'I thought you were talking about the Emmy nominations.' / 'Oh, screw her!'

Hank:Hank's anecdote: 'One time, one time I was invited to Larry's house while they were married.' — delivered as if this is a meaningful intimacy

Hank:Hank's plan for the post-divorce period: 'We'd hit the bar at the Bel Air Hotel, work a little skirt.'

Hank:'I guess this year I'm going to get very, very close to Larry.' — Hank to Beverly, with apparent excitement

Hank:Hank's Vegas pitch: 'I'm meeting two lovely ladies at the Bel Air Hotel. There's two of them, one of me, so... No pressure.'

Hank:Hank's hair transplant monologue: 'Who can afford a hair weave or a transplant? And for that matter, who knows a baboon who wants to give you his hair?'

Hank:Hank enters wearing an eye patch — 'I figured if I wore a patch, it won't look odd that you have one on. People will think it's a bit.'

Larry · Hank:'What kind of bit?' / 'Two guys with patches on.' / 'Take it off.'

Hank · Larry:Hank presents a puppy with the inscription 'Have fun in Vegas'

Hank:Hank's advice: 'Redd Foxx and Dick Shawn and Regis Philbin' as examples of men who tried to lose themselves in their work

Hank:Hank's cure for stress: 'The best cure for stress is...' [pause] 'Blow jobs.'

Larry · Hank:Larry calls out 'Bob? Hank? Yeah.' — the bit trails off with Bob apparently unable to respond and Hank stepping in with nothing

Hank:Hank's bedside prayer: 'We thank thee for sparing the life of Larry Sanders. I first met Larry in the spring of 1985. My cruise liner was moored off the coast of Portugal. Amen.'

Larry · Hank:Hank says 'I'd like a moment alone with Beverly, please.' Larry: 'He wants a moment alone with Beverly.' / Hank: 'Hank, I heard what he said.'

Hank · Beverly:7.5 pounds of get-well cards vs. Hank's earlier broken leg getting 9 pounds: 'Last year when I broke my leg, didn't I get 9 pounds?' / 'Yes, but you've got 2 miles of faxes out there.'

Hank · Larry:Hank's Disney waitress pitch: 'They drove in all the way from Anaheim... do you think they wanna drive all the way back there tonight? ... After all, that is a 2-hour drive.' / 'I think that's just to the monorail stop, isn't it?'

Hank · Larry:Hank's closing pitch: 'Two lovely ladies from Anaheim, Disney employees, waitresses. The Dumbo Hilton — the Dumbo Hyatt — I don't know.' / [Both] 'Bel Air Hotel!'

Hank · Larry:Hank's 'Bel Air Hotel' callback and 8-ball metaphor: 'Larry, this is 8 ball in the corner pocket. This is game over. All we need are our cue sticks.' / 'You bring the chalk.'

Hank · Larry:Hank's blow jobs callback: 'The best relief in the world for stress is—' / 'Don't say it, Hank.' / 'Blowjobs.' / 'Main floor, talk show. Think about it.'

Hank:Get ready to have a good time with Dana Delany.

Larry · Hank:You know, I've been known to have Wild Palms myself. [Hank] Hey, now. Don't worry, they're not hairy.

Hank:Hey, how was the date with Miss China Beach?

Larry · Hank:Which one? Shoes. That's all it says. Yeah, I know. That's great. No joke in there.

Hank:These, uh, 2 girls who work at the Gap, Katya and Bree. And they're very young, but, uh, bright. And Bree has actually had some community college.

Larry · Hank:I will ruin my life on my own. But will you just think about it? I better ruin it on my own. All right.

Hank · Larry:Teri Garr. She's — she's cute. She's funny, isn't she?

Larry · Hank:Well, this is fun, isn't it? This is fun. You having fun? Yeah. I mean, it's a refreshing change from those self-obsessed showbiz women.

Larry · Hank:Hey, hey, isn't that Susan Anton? Isn't that Susan? Right there. / No. / Yeah. / No. Very similar look, but — / No, that's exactly her look. Susan.

Susan Anton · Larry · Hank:Hey, Larry, hi. / I'm good. Good. / Um, hey, why don't you sit down and, uh — / Actually, uh, no. We're in the middle of something right now, Sue. / Oh, oh, sure. Well, yeah. / Pull up a chair.

Larry · Hank:What are you doing? / Believe me, this is something you do not want to get into right now.

Hank · Larry:Could I ask you something? / What? / Um, I like the blonde. / Fine. Great. Thanks. / You're welcome. / Thanks for what?

Larry · Hank · Artie:Yeah. You, me, Artie. What do you say? / That's great. Like the old days. / Yeah. I don't know what old days you're talking about, but that general idea, yeah.

Larry · Hank:This is my first wife Francine. You probably don't recall 'cause it's been quite a while.

Hank:But again, that blancat duveaux was extraordinary. You know, I've been wanting to get that recipe —

Hank:[Pager beeping] From — that's my beeper.

Hank:I don't think she's quite got the hang of this. Let's go over this again. You see, it's for when you cannot see me. You cannot see me. Here, let me explain.

Larry · Hank:I want to thank them for returning the couch, and Hank. Oh. It's — it's on a — it's on a timer. Wait a minute. Oh, that — that thing's happening again, where your suit disappears into the curtain.

Larry · Hank:Looks like a big floating head. / That doesn't really bother me anymore anyway. / Really? / Well, that's good. / Great. Thank you.

Artie · Hank:Artie challenges Hank's request to use the stage: 'Not shooting one of those fucking infomercials, are you?'

Artie · Hank:Artie's escalating guesses: 'For one of those infomercials.' / 'Telethon?'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'Some songs, a few jokes, a little soft shoe, you know like Sammy used to do — but with a twist.' Artie: 'What's the twist?' Hank: 'I'm doing it.'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'That's quite a twist, Hank.'

Hank · Artie:Hank explains he can't rehearse at home because 'my place has that wall-to-wall shag'

Artie · Hank:Hank: 'Artie, please.' / Artie: 'Aw, shit. All right, Hank.'

Hank · Artie:Hank invites Artie and Elaine to 'front row center at the El Toro Civic Arena exactly 4 weeks from tonight'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'What are you opening with?' / Hank: '"Spinning Wheel," but with a latin flavor.' / Artie: 'Sounds like a showstopper.' / Hank: 'Oh, it is. It is.' / Artie: 'Hank, you don't open with a showstopper.'

Hank · Stevie Grant:Hank invites Stevie to his preview at the 'Reseda Playhouse' and puts his tickets at Will Call under 'Mr. Stevie Grant, Super-Agent, plus one'

Stevie Grant · Hank:Stevie: 'I'm there, Hank.' — and then immediately asks what night

Stevie Grant · Hank:Stevie: 'Let's play it by ear, honcho.'

Larry · Hank:Larry notices Hank is wearing tap shoes and clicking around the office: 'Is it my imagination or are you clicking?'

Hank · Beverly:Hank asks Beverly to call Darlene about 'that 5-pound bag of sand onstage, asap'

Artie · Hank:Hank singing through the air vent: 'Talking 'bout your troubles...' — Artie's commentary: 'I told him to go with a samba, not a salsa, if he's gonna do the Latin thing'

Larry · Artie · Hank:Hank (through vent): '...Must come 'round...' / Larry: 'Isn't it "come down"?' / Artie: 'He's scatting.'

Hank:Hank: 'No, I'm trying to go easy on my pipes. Saving it for the people.'

Hank · Doc:Hank pitches his act concept to Doc: '30-piece orchestra, tuxedos, but every musician has a mustache'

Doc · Hank:Doc: 'How about all bald guys?' / Hank: 'Ok, ok, ok. Now, what's funny about that?'

Hank:Hank tells the bandleader he needs a bassoon in the chorus — 'Do any of you guys have a bassoon in your car?'

Hank:Hank asks how much the horns would cost — is told the figure — then decides he'll just 'sing the bwaa.' 'Make it like a joke. That's funny, huh?'

Hank:Hank's full 'Spinning Wheel' performance with the 'bwaa' ending and a visible stumble: '♪ Got no money-- uhh! ♪'

Hank:Hank performs the full 'Spinning Wheel' on the stage — live — including the 'bwaaa' and a stumble: '♪ Got no money— uhh! ♪'

Stevie Grant · Hank:Stevie to Hank (face): 'It was excellent, Hank. It was just excellent.' / 'You're a quadruple threat. You're a singer, a dancer, a raconteur, and a singer again, because you're just that good.'

Stevie Grant · Hank:Stevie tells Hank his act was 'excellent' and calls him 'a quadruple threat: singer, dancer, raconteur, and a singer again — because you're just that good'

Hank:Hank misreads the 'Applause' sign as 'Applesauce' to the studio audience, then immediately corrects himself.

Hank:The announcer's intro credits Hank as 'me, "Hey now!" Hank Kingsley' — Hank has apparently written his own intro to include his catchphrase.

Hank:'Now, because he just plain likes all this attention — Larry Sanders!'

Hank:Hank pitches that the Hankerciser attaches to 'hotel room, bedroom, living room — everything but the refrigerator door. Which you want to stay away from anyway if you're trying to slim down.'

Hank:'Darlene's only used the Hankerciser for one month. Look at that body. Look at Hank's.'

Hank · Caller:Hank, in the Hankerciser infomercial, fields a prank call: caller asks if the Hankerciser can 'reduce the size of Howard Stern's ass.'

Hank · Artie · Kevin:Hank, mid-sentence about the 'crucial' day, spontaneously offers a UCLA student a Hankerciser as a memento of the show.

Hank · Larry · Francine:Larry and Francine arrive together; Hank greets them as 'Hello, dream couple.' Larry mutters 'Larry's car wouldn't start.' Hank is not listening.

Hank · Artie:Hank demonstrates the Hankerciser in the hallway by extending it, with the students watching, while Artie tries to keep the tour moving.

Hank · Francine:Hank gives Francine a Hankerciser and pivots to asking if she'd write an article about it, after Larry has introduced her as a financial reporter covering the L.A. Riots.

Hank · Francine:Hank asks Francine not to overstep 'journalistic, uh...' and she supplies 'propriety?' and he says 'No. Uh... Propriety. Right.' — accepting the word she just gave him as his own.

Hank · Francine:Francine tells Hank she doesn't cover 'fitness fads.' Hank corrects: 'Trends.' Francine: 'Well, whatever.'

Hank · Artie · Larry:While taping Dallas promo, Hank interrupts Larry mid-sentence to talk privately. Artie: 'Don't mind us, Hank. Pretend we're not here.' Hank: 'Alone, goddamn it!' Students are shuffled out.

Hank · Larry:Larry and Hank, mid-promo-shoot, argue about the Hankerciser; Larry: 'Tell her to put Ben-Gay on it.' Hank: 'Ben-Gay my ass. She was so bruised she couldn't have sex.'

Hank · Larry:Hank begs Larry to find out if Francine is the reporter spreading defective-Hankerciser stories, insisting 'I am not accusing her.'

Hank · Larry:Larry tells Hank the truth: 'Francine is writing the article.' Hank: 'I knew it. And she is a Judas!'

Hank:Hank: 'We must keep the spotlight on the great Larry Sanders. So you get your own show, and I get to have dick.'

Hank · Larry:Hank, in a rage, calls Francine a 'cunt' — then immediately realizes what he said and spirals: 'What did you just say? You didn't say — you couldn't — I'm sorry! It's just... I think it's that new hay fever medication. I think it has opium in it.'

Hank:Hank, still spiraling: 'Please, have pity. I'm drowning.'

Hank · Darlene:Darlene's neck brace is revealed — Hank assumes various causes (chiropractor? Rear-ended? Slipped on ice?) before she reveals: 'My Hankerciser broke and I pulled my neck.'

Hank:After Darlene reveals her injury, Hank whispers 'Sweet Jesus. It's a house of cards.'

Hank:Hank asks Francine if she 'warmed up properly' before using the Hankerciser — echoing the same question he'd asked about another injury victim earlier.

Hank:Hank asks Francine: 'Is this... off the record?' after she asks if he ran safety tests on the Hankerciser.

Hank:Hank breaks down: 'A guy showed me a thing on paper. It looked good, and he said I just had to put my name on it, and... I can't find him.'

Hank · Francine:Francine agrees not to write the article, then asks Hank to promise he'll stop selling it. There is a long, loaded pause before Hank says 'Thank you... OK. Thank you very much.'

Hank:After Francine agrees not to write the article, Hank asks: 'You're not toying with me?'

Hank:Hank's final ask of Francine: 'Could you do me one favor? Don't tell Larry how fast I buckled.'

Hank · Larry:Hank enters Larry's office to report he's resolved everything with Francine. Larry feigns ignorance: 'What did you say?' Hank: 'I said, uh... Oh, the "cunt" thing?'

Hank:Hank's explanation for calling Francine a 'cunt': 'You remember the guest hypnotist? I think he put some sort of hex on me. Yeah, that combined with the hay fever medication would drive—'

Hank · Larry:Hank reveals he has 'something brewing with the Beretor Electronics people... Cellular phones, baby.' Larry's face falls.

Artie · Hank:Artie's final documentary narration: 'Hank? Yeah. Sit down.' [pause] 'And I think today is what I consider to be a typical day at the Larry Sanders Show.' [Hank mutters: 'Shit...']

Hank:Hank's rant: 'This is it, gentlemen. This is fucking it. The seeds of disrespect for Hank Kingsley that have been sown so liberally around here have finally come to bloom.'

Hank · Vito:Hank mid-rant: 'Doesn't the left one look longer?' Tailor: 'Absolutely.' — then continues the rant.

Hank · Arthur:Hank's fan club newsletter is called 'Hank's Memories' and is printed on office Xerox machines.

Hank:Hank reads 'Hank's Memories': 'I remember those winter days when I'd return home from my paper route... But whenever I mentioned it to mom, she always said, 'Hank, always remember: Penis, vagina. Ooh. Penis, vagina. Penis, vagina.''

Hank · Larry:Hank: 'What are the odds of that?' (after Larry says 'This is what my mom used to say to me?')

Phil · Hank:Phil (writer): 'I admire the idea, but the execution is sophomoric. I'd have said you come home from a hard day at the paper route. Your mom's there with a thin dressing gown that slips open, and...'

Hank · Jerry:Hank corners Jerry: 'I read my fan club newsletter this morning, so how do you think it's going?' Jerry: 'Hang out for a second.' Hank: 'Sure, long enough to say penis, vagina.'

Jerry · Hank:Jerry begins saying 'Penis, vagina' repeatedly in response to Hank's posturing. Hank: 'Doesn't sound so clever when it gets thrown back in your face, does it, Mr. Penis, vagina?'

Hank · Jerry · Shirley Capen:Jerry introduces his mother to Hank. Hank has just been saying 'penis, vagina' repeatedly. Hank: 'What a pleasure it is to meet the mother of this very talented young man.'

Hank:Hank's exit: 'I gotta run, 'cause I have some toast in the toasterette.' Beat. 'Not the toasterette, the kitchenette. And, uh... A pleasure.'

Hank · Arthur:Hank has identified the newsletter saboteur as 'Sid, the cue-card guy' who he cut off in the parking lot during the holiday season.

Tom Snyder · Larry · Hank:Snyder says he wants to do a segment going 'behind the scenes' of Larry Sanders. Larry: 'I'm in. I'm in. Absolutely. I'm as good as there. If I can't make it, I'll send Hank.' Snyder: 'No flipping.'

Hank · Paula:Paula, can you get Ray Combs on the blower? Danson fell out. / I already took care of that.

Larry · Paula · Hank:That's the spirit — gallows humor. / It's not a joke. / You're producing. / Yes. / You're in your 20s.

Hank · Larry · Paula:Arthur asked her to fill in. / What are you? You're 28. / 26. / Thanks for your support.

Hank:Hank dusting off magic tricks from his cruise ship days

Beverly · Hank:Larry hates your magic tricks. / This isn't magic. This is an illusion.

Hank:And what crawled up his ass and died?

Larry · Hank:Did you see that? That's amazing. How'd you do that? / Magic.

Staff Member · Hank:Great news about Paula, isn't it? [Hank, flatly] Mmm.

Bruno Kirby · Paula · Hank · Steven Wright:Bruno Kirby appears at the show — Hank called him thinking Danson had canceled and they needed a lead, while Paula had already booked Steven Wright.

Hank · Steven Wright:I'm sorry. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. / Steven Wright. / Sorry. / Steven Wright. / Yes, yes, of course. You do a great job... as a sidekick.

Hank:I think I've got one of those low-grade fevers. / Hmm? / No, it's just hot. Really hot in here.

Hank:Got my magic cards with me tonight. [Clicks tongue]

Hank:He always wears the same shirt — Steven Wright.

Larry · Hank:You're producing? You're running the show? 3, 2... You're what? 28? / 26.

Larry · Hank:Sounds like we have time for some magic. / I do magic. You do? / Yes. / It's not magic, per se. This is more of an illusion.

Hank:There are 52 men in the shoe store.

Hank · Larry · someone in audience:Is that your card? / No. [Audience laughs] / You told him, didn't you? / It was an accident. I shouldn't drink.

Hank:Hank attempts the final reveal: 'Mmm... smells like the 10 of clubs.' Then finds the correct card.

Larry · Hank:That is my card — the 10 of clubs. [Applause]

Artie · Hank · Larry Sanders:And a different ending, like in Ghost, where he walks into the light and he says, 'You can take love with you.' / Hmm. Or the ending in Green Card. / Mmm. Better.

Hank · Larry Sanders:Or Gérard Depardieu. / He was in Green Card, right? / Yeah. / Boy, you really like Green Card, don't you?

Hank · Larry Sanders:How about Mike Myers? / Mike Myers? As Lyle?

Hank:Hank's announcer intro: 'and me, "hey, now!" Hank Kingsley' — inserting himself into the guest list as if he's equal billing with Marisa Tomei, Pete Rose, and Anne Rice

Hank:Hank's announcer intro: 'and now, because only he contains a touch of pure creamery butter, Larry Sanders!'

Hank · Stan:Hank's 'Hey, now' — Stan: 'Well, now, that sounded like you had Tourette's syndrome.' / Hank: 'You're right, it was a little too forced, huh?'

Hank:Hank claims to love the 'I'm Larry, He's Stan' album and listens every couple months — then immediately: 'Well, no. Actually, I lied. My record player broke during the riots.'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Hey, the old partner meets the new partner.' / Hank: 'The ex-partner.'

Hank · Larry:Hank pitches 'Hank's Look-Around Cafe' — a restaurant with spinning tables — Larry: 'There's nothing I like better after a big meal than spinning around till I puke.'

Hank · Stan:Hank tells Stan: 'You know, you don't have much discretionary income, but I just want you to know that you're always going to have a table waiting for you at Hank's Look-Around Cafe.' / Stan: 'Which one do you want?' / Hank: 'Uh, table.' / Long pause / Stan: 'Ok, I'll take this one.'

Stan · Hank:Hank asks Stan to perform the old 'Man on the Street meets the Man on the Moon' bit. Stan: 'Hank, that'd be like me asking you to say "Hey, now."' / Hank: 'Ok. Hey, now.'

Hank · Stan:Hank: 'I really like you, Stan Paxton.' / Stan: 'Thanks, Hank.' — Beat — the sincerity landing awkwardly in the void

Hank · Artie · Larry:Hank's competing versions: ear vs. shotgun — 'I have friends at Memorial Hospital. He put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.' / Artie: 'Bullshit! It was his ear.' / Hank: 'What friends?'

Hank:Hank: 'I don't think so.' — repeated twice, insisting Stan cannot be on the phone because he just shot himself

Hank:Hank introduces Darlene to Hefner with a full bio: 'She's from Madison, Wisconsin, and her hobbies include...' — trailing off, clearly hoping Hefner will be interested in her

Hank · Larry · Darlene:Hank announces to Darlene: 'After many years of trying, Hank Kingsley is going to appear in Playboy.' Then: 'Actually, it's not the interview. It's a feature about women who work in television.' Then: 'But, Hank, you're a man. Right, but you're a woman.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank explains his emotional investment: 'My dad, Henry Kingsley Sr., was a charter subscriber to Playboy.' Then: 'Your dad's passed away, right? We think so. We're not sure. He left when I was 7.'

Hank:Hank confronts the writers about stealing the photos; Artie catches Hank yelling the names of men's magazines: 'We're not talking about Hustler or Penthouse or Swank or Juggs or Screw!'

Hank:Hank suggests maybe a 'weird intern' was shouting — 'That's why they call him the weird intern.'

Hank:Hank pleading with Darlene not to leave the photo: 'Don't make me sit alone. I'll look like Harvey Korman.'

Hank:Hank lays out his romantic strategy: 'This way, you take the picture, then you move in. That's a better way.'

Darlene · Hank:Darlene: 'They hated my test shots, didn't they?' Hank: 'Oh, those fuckers! Those fuckers! Bunch of sleazebags, every one of them.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank: 'What did they say about me?' Darlene: 'About you? Oh, they loved you. They want to know if you're interested in doing a... pictorial alone.'

Hank:Hank's response to Darlene saying she'll pose alone: 'Ok. Here's what we'll do. Uh, you'll call them and say to them, Look, I am not going to do a pictorial unless Hank Kingsley is part of it.'

Hank:Hank's real reason for needing publicity: 'My restaurant's opening in less than two months... If I don't get publicity, you know who'll be at the gala opening? You, me, the creditors, and that's it.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank's solution: 'I could wear a Hank's Look Around Café T-shirt.' Darlene: 'You see, it's very hard to pose nude and wear a T-shirt at the same time. In fact, it's downright impossible.'

Hank:Hank: 'Great. I've become pissy.' — said with resignation about his own mood shift.

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'Artie, they cut me out, those cocksuckers.' Artie laughs: 'Oh, I'm sorry, Hank. It's America's loss.'

Hank:Hank desperately trying to get Artie to be in the Architectural Digest photo: 'Come on, it's just one little picture. What difference does it make?'

Larry · Artie · Hank:Artie to Larry about Hank: 'Might be fun to get you and Hank on the couch.' / Larry: 'I don't want him in the picture.' / Multiple voices: 'Come on, Larry... the more the merrier.' / Larry: 'I don't want him in—' / 'It's just a little picture.'

Hank:Hank, responding to the restaurant T-shirt news, then delivers: 'Very nice.' — and then immediately: 'I guess you didn't hear there was a small grease fire at the site last night. No, no. It's only going to push us back about, oh, 10 months.'

Hank · Artie:Hank sees the Architectural Digest issue and shouts 'Those fuckers! Fuckers!' while Artie calls from off: 'Low profile, Hank!' and Hank continues: 'Bunch of fuckers!'

Hank:Hank: 'I thought we were going to get him gag gifts this year.' Long pause. 'Do you guys know any other baseball players Larry really, really likes?'

Larry · Hank:Larry to Sugar Ray mid-interview: 'Those are sissy shoes.'

Hank:That sign says 'Applesauce.' No, no, I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Hank:Hank misreads the 'applause' sign as 'applesauce' then immediately corrects himself

Hank:Remember, you're all a big part of the show, so the better you are, the better Larry is.

Hank:And now, because he's all dressed up with no place to go, Larry Sanders!

Hank:Is anyone buying that accent? I mean, it's Yakov Smirnoff time.

Hank:He's the arranger for the Lido Revue at the Stardust in Vegas. He's very hot.

Hank:I lied. It's about Jake.

Hank:Give me an 'L,' give me an 'A,' give me an 'R,' give me an 'R,' give me a 'Y.' What's that spell? Larry. God damn right, Larry.

Hank:[Imitates Jake's accent] 'Schedule.'

Hank · Larry:Our commander-in-grief. / What does that mean, Hank? / Commander-in-grief, because he's giving us so many problems.

Hank · Jake:Let me say I noticed the birds were quite taken with you. / Birds? / The ladies. The ladies. I see. / Squealing after the number, hmm? / Thanks for switching on the squeal sign.

Jake · Hank:Hank, don't miss that bus to Carnaby Street. / Don't mess with me, Mr. Music Man. I'm warning you. Step on my turf again, and you're going down. You dig?

Hank · Jake:[British accent] Oh, am I? / [American accent] I'm warning you.

Hank:My name's Hank Kingsley. How do you do?

Hank:Now, show them that contraption you're wearing. Please. You see? Now, that allows him to talk directly to the director — or so you think — but he's not doing that. He's ordering dinner from the McDonald's on Alameda.

Hank · Jake:That's Jack Woodward, folks — our bandleader. / It's, uh, Jake, actually, Hank, in case you forgot. / Jake. / Jack Woodward — we're very fortunate to have him. We outbid some of the finest high-school marching bands to get him tonight.

Hank:Interesting when those drugs just kick in like that, isn't it?

Hank:Especially since those charges against having sex with minors has been dropped. It has been dropped, hasn't it?

Hank · Jake · Larry:[Silence after the sex-with-minors joke]

Artie · Hank · Larry:What the hell are you fucking doing? Have you lost your goddamn fucking mind? / I'm sorry. I mean, I think the audience knew — they knew I was joking. / That audience comes on buses, Hank. They can barely tell when I'm joking.

Hank:In my own defense, you know, that joke about sex with minors — I think I confused them. I think they actually thought I meant miners. You know, down in the mines.

Hank:I think I confused them. I think they actually thought I meant miners. You know, down in the mines.

Hank:Number one, number one, number one — I wear this girdle for medical reasons, all right? I am performing with pain. Christ.

Hank · Jake:And number two, asshole, is that if I'm a clown, it's because I am funny, and you're not, dickface. You are a joke. A joke! / That's right. Exactly.

Hank:This is just for right here, so take your tea and your crumpets and, uh, queen mum, and shove them up your jolly old rectum.

Hank · Jake · Artie:[Hank and Jake physically fight over the drum equipment backstage] / I was here first! / [Artie] Sounds like a rumble.

Hank · Larry · Margaret:Hank demands Larry re-read the vows at the reception: 'I'd like you to read them again. Just one more time.' / Larry (incredulous): 'Are you serious?' / They read: 'But I only knew like.' / Margaret: 'Oh, beautiful.'

Hank · John Ritter · Adam Loderman:John Ritter arrives with his agent Adam Loderman; Hank says 'It's THE John Ritter' and then asks about Loderman: 'Who's this key chain?'

Hank · Larry:Backstage: Hank explains Phil's injury — 'He shut his hand in the door... he put a hand up on a hinge and closed the door.' The story keeps shifting.

Hank · Larry:Hank explains The Crying Game to Larry: 'That dark-skinned cutie?' 'Mm-hmm.' 'She turns out to be a man.' Hank: 'I don't think so.'

Larry · Hank:Larry shows Hank a specific camera shot from The Crying Game: 'The camera pans down the body, right below the waist — there's a penis.' Hank: 'I don't think so.'

Hank · Larry:Hank, post-Crying Game revelation: 'Let me ask you a question. How was she hung?' Larry: 'You know, you've got to excuse Hank. It's been years since he's seen a movie without the words "busty" or "stewardess" in the title.'

Hank:Hank reads the applause sign wrong on purpose: 'That sign says applesauce. No, no. I'm kidding. It says applause.'

Hank:Hank: 'I've been burning the, uh, bulb at both ends, that's all.' — mangling 'burning the candle at both ends'

Hank · Martin Mull:Hank hijacks his own on-air segment to plug his restaurant, inviting Martin Mull to the 'Grand Opening of Hank's Look-Around Cafe, Friday night. Hank Kingsley, Proprietor.'

Hank · Martin Mull:Hank corners Martin Mull backstage after the segment to complain that the restaurant jokes were 'joking' — but then demands Martin clear all future 'humorous ad libs' with him first

Hank:Hank immediately follows Mull's 'up your ass' line with cheerful sincerity: 'All right. Other than that, it's just a great show!'

Martin Mull · Hank:Martin Mull's exit line to Hank: 'You know what, I think this might fit nicely up your ass.' — then cheerfully pivots: 'All right. Other than that, it's just a great show!'

Hank:Hank defends Martin Mull quitting by saying he 'was fine on that make-believe talk show, that Fernwood thing, but you put him in the genuine article and he locks'

Artie · Hank:Artie arrives to find Hank has been sleeping in the office; Hank is found amid fabric swatches for napkins at 9:30 AM

Hank · Artie:Hank attempts to bribe Artie with '2 tickets to the grand opening of Hank's Look-Around Cafe, [French accent] absolutely no charge' — after Artie has just berated him

Hank · Phil:The escalating history of grand opening postponements: wrong motor for rotating floor, then burst water pipe rusting the bearing for the rotating floor — each failure more specific and more absurd

Hank:Hank: 'Like I've never laughed at your lame monologue jokes which I don't even get!'

Hank · Phil · Staff:Hank's 'No Friday Night, No Next Night' table-rap speech, culminating in breaking something plastic

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'Artie, I need to talk to you mano a mano.' Artie: 'No.' Hank: 'Yeah, come on, sit down.' Artie: 'No!'

Hank:Hank's reverie about his celebrity friends in booths: 'Hey, hey! This one's on me — to some of them.'

Hank:Hank takes a phone call with the alcohol permit office mid-taping, putting the licensing bureaucrat on hold when 'We're back in 5!' — asking them to hold while he does live television

Hank · Burt Reynolds:Hank, on air with Burt Reynolds, plugs the restaurant again — 'where you and your food go on an adventure' — and Burt muses about investing.

Burt Reynolds · Hank:Hank on air plugs his restaurant again — Burt Reynolds plays along, then undercuts it with 'Like Smokey and the Bandit. That was a great idea. And Cannonball Run. That was a great idea.' — delivered mockingly

Burt Reynolds · Hank:Hank laughs uncertainly at Burt's observation. Burt says 'No, it's a great idea, I'm telling you,' then lists it alongside Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run — all his own movies — as 'great ideas.'

Artie · Hank:Artie arrives again to find Hank sleeping at the office a second morning: 'You gotta stop sleeping here, Hank! It's beginning to smell like a goddamn locker room.'

Hank:Hank sarcastically commenting on Burt Reynolds: 'Give a guy a couple of car chases and all of a sudden he thinks he's an incredible wit.'

Hank · Artie:Hank insists 'I am here. Hank Kingsley is present and accounted for' — then immediately runs off to make a restaurant phone call

Hank · Artie:Hank breaks down crying about the grand opening cancellations — 'Even my own wife is not coming because there's a death in the family'

Hank · Artie:Hank, through tears, asks Artie 'You're gonna be there, aren't you, buddy?' — then a long pause before Artie's guilty response

Hank:Hank's full paranoid breakdown listing enemies: wife, staff, 'the whole staff,' government, 'and uh... this fucking electrical engineer!'

Hank:Hank, mid-meltdown speech about why people should support him, says 'You drink through your ass!' to Artie when offered water

Artie · Hank:Artie quietly slips out of the room while Hank continues his meltdown, leaving Hank talking to an empty room — then tells his assistant 'He doesn't know that.' when asked where Hank thinks Artie is

Hank · Artie:Sign update: Instead of 'Hank's Look-Around Cafe,' the installed sign reads 'Look-Round Cafe' — missing the letter A. Hank's response: 'Ah, that's ok. See? It's great.'

Hank · Jerry Seinfeld:Hank tries to get Jerry Seinfeld to call Hank's restaurant his 'après-comedy bistro of choice' using that exact wording. Jerry: 'No-o-o. No. [chuckles] Can't do that.'

Hank:Hank warns Seinfeld: 'You know, they put you on Thursday nights, so you've got a little heat going for you right now. Won't last forever.'

Hank:Hank's warm-up: announces he's going to talk about his restaurant, then appears to forget the name of the restaurant mid-speech — whispers frantically

Hank:Hank, after the memory blank: '[Inhales] Guess we're not gonna have that, uh, special warm-up.'

Hank:Hank: 'I'm gonna take a long fuckin' walk.' [Microphone thuds] [Silence]

Artie · Hank:Artie tells the groggy Hank: 'It's 9:30 A.M. We looked for you all night, Hank.' — Hank's response: 'No!'

Hank:Hank: 'Make it go back. Make it go back. Turn back the world.'

Hank:Hank reads the applause sign as 'applesauce' to warm up the audience, then immediately corrects himself: 'No. No. No, I'm kidding. It says applause.'

Hank:Hank's announcer intro for Larry: 'and now, because he desperately needs your approval... Larry Sanders!'

Hank:Hank's non-sequitur: 'Welcome to the monkey house. Pass the penis, please. Am I right?'

Hank:Hank reveals to Artie and Larry that he's worried about the Hollywood Madam's black book going public: 'I mean, this whole Hollywood madam thing... if her black book ever goes public, I'm on every page of that thing.'

Hank:Hank's wounded response: 'That's not very funny, you know. It was during the mid-eighties, and I was carrying some excess weight. And I had a persistent skin rash, and it was hard for me to get dates.'

Hank:Hank corners Larry backstage: 'As you know, it's a higher cost of living in New York, and, um, I think that should be reflected in my, uh, paycheck.'

Hank:Hank begins an audience anecdote about a woman who 'followed me across 7 states' — then trails off wondering if there's time, then names her: 'Cindy Halloran from Pensacola, thank you very much.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'I'll apologize when we come back on the commercial.' Artie: 'I'm so sorry.' Hank: 'In 6 years, I've only been bleeped one time.' Artie: 'God, don't remind me.'

Hank · Artie:'OK, I happened to say the word CUM. So what?' / Artie: 'In front of Jessica Tandy.' / Hank: 'Oh, that crybaby. She's heard all this shit before.'

Hank · Mimi Rogers:Hank offers Mimi Rogers a piece of gum between the jugglers and the interview — 'Oh, just half.'

Hank · Mimi Rogers:Mimi hesitates about dating because of 'this weird thing I read about in the paper.' Hank: 'Well, they're only on for 3½ minutes, so I thought I'd get right to it.'

Hank · Larry:Artie: 'She said she likes juggling. I like juggling. Sometimes the magic just appears.' / Larry: 'Well, you know, we are a variety show.'

Hank:Hank: 'I'm always glad to meet a new twig from the Sanders family tree.'

Hank:Hank's reaction beat after Mary Beth's announcement: 'Gimme the button.' — he asks to take back his promotional 'Hey Now' button he gave her

Hank:After the big reveal: Hank takes back the 'Hey Now' button from Mary Beth.

Hank:Hank calling the L.A. Times to defend Larry, ends up pitching the columnist on his own personal story: 'I was personally abused as a child... No, not sexually. Physically. I was beaten and I was kicked.'

Hank:Hank, mid-phone call, dismisses Artie with 'Am-scray. I'm on the one-phay.' (pig latin for 'phone')

Hank:Hank's list of personal revelations he's pitching the columnist: 'I'm afraid of the dark.' (pause) 'Yeah, I didn't think so.' / 'Red wine gives me hives.' / 'I got a special thing for Asian ladies.'

Hank · Mimi Rogers:Mary Beth appears at Larry's door — and Hank is also there, immediately fanboying over Mimi Rogers: 'Oh, my God. Mimi Rogers? I love you. I loved you in Star Wars.'

Hank · Mimi Rogers · Artie:Mimi Rogers correcting Hank: 'I think you're confusing me with Carrie Fisher.' / Hank: 'You are so great. You know, after I saw that movie, I started doing my hair in Princess Leia buns for months.' / Mimi: 'That's very flattering, thank you.' / Artie: 'So did I, by the way.'

Hank · Artie · Larry:The L.A. Times column about Hank's phone call: Hank 'babbling about hives, Tom Snyder, and a predilection for Asian women' — 'Kingsley has taken the prize' for pathetic types

Hank:Hank's silent reaction beat upon seeing the column that's about him — assessing whether to put the paper back on Larry's desk or buy a new one

Hank · Cindy Halloran:Hank's office: Three women waiting — Kim Fugiwa, Jennifer Chen, and 'Cindy Halloran from Pensacola. I heard you mention me on the show.'

Hank:Hank sees Cindy Halloran, says 'You look great!', then immediately to his assistant: 'Call security. Call security now.'

Hank:Hank to the two Asian women in his waiting area: 'Kon'nichi wa.'

Hank:Hank to Mimi Rogers (playing show business host to the end): 'Oh, you were terrific on the show, by the way. We just absolutely loved it, yeah. You've gotta come back again sometime.'

Hank · Larry · Artie:Are we ordering lunch? No, Hank. We're not. Oh, because I heard someone mention potatoes, and I can have those on my new diet.

Hank · Paula:Why is Larry in here? Well, Larry likes to be involved in deciding who the guests will be.

Hank · Larry · Artie:Hold on, Beverly. We're ordering lunch, I think. Is there a menu? We're not ordering.

Hank:Please do, because I only have the one shake in the morning.

Hank · Artie:Is Larry thinking about firing me? / No. What makes you think that? / Because twice today, he said I was doing a really good job.

Hank:I ordered the Larry Sanders jogging suits. I think the guests are gonna love 'em. And the guy says he can have them all delivered by tonight.

Hank · Larry · Phil:Listen, I think I got something live in the fifth at Santa Anita tomorrow. / The name of the horse: Larry's Valentine. / Jockey: Hank Espinoza. / The trainer's name is Bill. / Phil. / No, it's Bill. See... / Phil is the name of the guy who writes for us. / Listen, you want to get in on this or don't you?

Artie · Hank:I never had the bad feeling worse than I do right now. / I'm torn, but... Madison is who it looks like to me. / I would take another guess if I were you.

Larry · Hank:Hank, sit down. / Let's not overreact... / OK! / That would be... another one? / Why don't we take a break and let Hank collect himself?

Hank:Now I look like one of those pussies who got under the desk.

Artie · Hank:Hank is told he's hosting. His response: 'No.' / 'Yes.' / 'No.' / 'Oh, yes.'

Hank:'My psychic told me a man in my life was going to be given a great opportunity. I thought she meant my father was going to get a job, but — but this, this is good, too.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'I can't move my legs.' Artie helps him up, calls it 'hip.'

Hank:Hank's pre-show to-do list: 'Call my agent, call my manager, call my wife — wife, yes, of course — and I want to eat some fruit. I don't know why... a pineapple.'

Hank · Darlene · Artie:Darlene: 'I should call your wife.' Hank: 'Wife, yes. Of course.' Then: 'She has a thing for Hank.' / 'Oh, don't we all?'

Hank:Hank: 'Artie, my pal, Shadoe Stevens, he's 2 blocks away. Why don't we call him, have him do the warm-up and the intro?' Then repeats: 'Shadoe is 2 blocks away. Did I say that already?'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Hank, believe me, I had no choice.' Hank: 'I know. Thank you.'

Hank · Phil:Hank rehearsing the trunk joke: misunderstands it as Larry literally being in the trunk, rephrases it as 'I put him in the trunk, and I kidnapped him.'

Phil · Hank:Phil explaining the trunk joke: 'The idea is that you've kidnapped Larry, and you've put him... in the trunk of my car.' Hank: 'Sheesh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.'

Hank · Phil:The written intro: 'Because everybody else in show business was out of town or in rehab — Hey, now! Hey — hey, now! Hank Kingsley!'

Shadoe Stevens · Hank:Shadoe Stevens coaching Hank on the two-note inflection of 'Kings-LEYYY!' with musical precision — 'Kind of a flaired-out riff. No. B-flat.'

Hank · Artie:Hank's pre-show breakdown: 'Don't make me do this. I'm not up to this. Don't make me.' / 'What if I suck?' repeated three times.

Hank:Hank: 'That's one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me.' [Applause begins]

Hank:Hank delivers the trunk joke on air: 'I have an American car, and the trunk is quite spacious.' [Laughter]

Hank:Hank's monologue joke: 'Tennis star Jennifer Capriati is in drug rehab. I mean, is this really a surprise? I seem to remember people all the time saying she preferred playing on grass.'

Hank:Hank on air: 'My father always told me to tell the truth. So if it isn't obvious, I'm really terrified. So you're probably not going to see a really great show tonight.'

Hank:Audience begins chanting 'Hank! Hank! Hank!' — Hank is visibly overwhelmed.

Hank · George Wendt:Hank's on-air interview begins and he immediately reads questions directly from index cards. George Wendt breaks: 'Hank, what are you doing with those cards?'

George Wendt · Hank:Wendt grabs Hank's cards: 'They're a crutch! Larry needs the cards. This man doesn't need them.' Hank: 'I need the cards.'

Hank:Hank: 'Now I know why Larry is so puffed up.'

Hank:Hank swans in with 'Yay! He's here, everybody! Yay!' being called out around the office — a hero's welcome he's clearly enjoying too much.

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Still flushed with victory?' Hank: 'Yes, I am flushed with victory. You sound a little surprised I did so well.' Artie: 'Oh? I'm glad I'm not playing poker anytime soon.'

Hank · Female talent booker:Talent booker tells Hank 'You were great' — Hank immediately asks her to get him a coffee. 'No. No, I book talent. I don't get coffee.'

Hank:'Then could you book David Copperfield on the show, and when he gets here, have him pull a cup of coffee out of his ass?'

Hank · Larry:Hank's phone call with Larry — Larry congratulates him, Hank says 'You left me some mighty big shoes to fill.' Larry: 'Come on, come on.' Hank: 'That's very nice of you.' / 'No one can do this show quite like you.'

Hank:Hank is discovered sitting in Larry's chair at Larry's desk. 'Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but the procedure is the guest host gets to use Larry's office, right?'

Hank:Hank: 'I'd appreciate it if you switched desks with Darlene. I'd like her a little closer to me today.'

Beverly · Hank:Beverly threatens to call Larry: 'You know he'll give me the go-ahead to kick your balls right out through the top of your head!' Hank: 'Oh, language!'

Hank:Hank: 'This is the fucking gratitude I get? I mean, come on. Look in front of your face. It's me, ok? It's Hank Kingsley. I can do this job.'

Hank:Hank reads a positive review: 'Kingsley's winning demeanor took Sanders' place with relative ease' — then reads a negative one: 'Kingsley proved himself completely maladroit in the host's chair'

Hank:Hank reading reviews: 'Kingsley's winning demeanor took Sanders' place with relative ease.' Then: 'Kingsley proved himself completely maladroit in the host's chair.'

Hank · Beverly · Artie:Reaction beat: Hank goes silent after being corrected about 'maladroit.' Long pause before Beverly says 'Get Larry on the phone.'

Hank · Richard Lewis:Richard Lewis to Hank: 'Question — are you gonna be doing your usual shtick?' ... 'It's funny, because last week, Larry and Arthur were talking, and one of them said that they thought the whole neurotic Jewish person thing that you do is... predictably banal.'

Hank:Hank calls Richard Lewis before Lewis hosts, asking if he'll 'be doing your usual shtick' — then relays that Larry and Artie called Richard's 'whole neurotic Jewish person thing' 'predictably banal'

Darlene · Hank:Hank confronting Darlene: 'You've changed, Hank. There's a darkness around you.' Hank: 'Good, fine. There's a darkness.'

Hank:Hank's confession to Darlene: 'I prayed. I actually got down on my knees, and I prayed that Larry would stay sick so I could host the show tonight. I mean, I wished this man unwell.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank: 'I'm still doing it. I hope he gets sick through the weekend and on until the week after that and the week after that.' Darlene: 'Hank, don't!' Hank: 'You don't get it, do you? You see, it's not Larry who is sick. It's me. Yes, it's me. I am very sick. I am a sicko. I'm so fucking sick. But I'm finally where I belong.'

Hank:Hank's second show monologue: 'President Clinton announced we'll be trading tuna with the Japanese. I'm sure Socks had something to do with that decision.' [Light laughter, then woman laughs loudly]

Hank:Hank calls his writer 'a hopeless retard' on live television — audience groans — man yells 'You suck!'

Hank:Hank tells the studio audience the applause sign says 'applause,' then asks Ray to flick it, demonstrating he has no faith in a spontaneous reaction

Hank:Hank's intro: 'And me -- "Hey now" Hank Kingsley. And now, because he's better looking than I am, Larry Sanders!'

Larry · Darlene · Hank:Larry walks Darlene into Hank's restaurant, saying 'You didn't have to walk in with me, Larry' / 'Well, no, I didn't, but I'm happy to' — then Hank appears and Larry is caught

Hank:Hank reveals his restaurant floor doesn't rotate because 'a couple of rats got caught in the mechanism'

Hank · Larry:Hank asks Larry 'Is this the first time you've given Darlene a ride?' — then the rotating floor mechanism starts up, moving Larry away before he can answer

Hank · Darlene:Hank in the elevator using a hand vac, telling Darlene how great Larry is: 'I would date him if I could.' Then: 'What I do in the elevator is my business.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank pivots from giving Darlene advice to: 'What does Larry say about me? Does he say anything good? Or anything bad? Does he say bad things?'

Hank:Hank: 'How about the time Tipper Gore complained about my breath? Because I think Larry was a little pissed about that. But my god. I had an infection.'

Hank:Hank to Larry on the bus: 'Here's Larry!' — doing the show's own intro on the bus

Larry · Hank:Oh, for god's sake, Hank, if you want to know about my relationship, just ask me. Don't read that stuff. / See, I'm sorry. But I just didn't know. I didn't know I had that option.

Hank:He's leaving now. Yeah. No, he's doing his leaving thing. Yeah. Ooh! Just a mild concussion. Don't worry yourself. Please?

Hank:People always have told me everything all my life. I can't help that.

Hank:I'm a pro. I'm gonna do the show tonight. But after that, hasta la vista, baby.

Sid · Hank:She, um... she feels there'll be some difficulty. / She said that? In so many words. / What'd she say? / She doesn't want to work with you. / She said that? In so many words. / Come on, what did... she hates you! / She hates me?

Hank · Larry:Hank's pre-show speech: 'I just want you to know I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna give it my all, same as I always do. This has nothing to do with you and I, it's just, I'm going through some stuff, and I'm not gonna let it affect my performance.'

Hank · Regis:Does Joyce ever give you career advice? No, no. Never.

Hank · Larry:Little smile? / OK. Good.

Hank:"I'm still getting a lot of use out of that pasta machine. Because there's nothing better than fresh pasta."

Hank:Hank's complaint about the birds and allergies: 'I don't care if my face swells up like a pumpkin. There's no way we're gonna miss that game tonight.'

Artie · Hank:Larry gave away Hank's tickets: 'He's the fucking boss. My hands were tied. He's a fucking baby.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'It's not about the game. I just wanted to have some special time...' Artie: 'Ohh, what's the matter, sugar, huh? Is the marriage that bad?' Hank: 'It's the fucking birds.'

Hank · Jon Lovitz:Hank to Jon: 'Mr. Funny! Mr. Movie Star.' Jon: 'Aw, you forgot Mr. Hunk.' Hank: 'No, I was gonna get to that, but to me, that comes after movie star.'

Hank:Hank tells Jon that Darlene is a lesbian

Jon Lovitz · Hank:Jon: 'Oh, that's bullshit.' Hank: 'No, she's, uh... she's a lesbian, Jon.' Jon: 'Well, I don't believe you. Well, after all this time, why didn't she say anything to me?'

Hank · Unnamed Staff Member:Hank ropes in a confused bystander to confirm: 'Is she seeing a woman now?' 'She's seeing a woman now.' 'Yeah, she's seeing a woman now?' 'Um... yes. Yes, she is.'

Hank · Darlene:Darlene confronts Hank — he spills something while deflecting: 'Spilling. Spilling!'

Hank:Hank's defense: 'Now, darlene, I didn't know that you had a thing against gay people, and frankly, I'm... I'm a little offended to find this out.'

Hank · Darlene:Darlene: 'Hank, you lied.' Hank: 'I didn't... oh, come on. Like you've never been with a woman? Like you've never been with a man?'

Hank:'Fucking tabloids.'

Artie · Hank:Artie to Hank: 'Why are you putting your shoes on before you pull your pants up?' Hank: 'I always do.' Artie: 'Why?' Hank: 'Superstitious.'

Hank:Hank: 'Thank God you weren't in here a few minutes ago when I was painting my balls.'

Larry · Darlene · Hank:Three-way argument about why Jon walked: Darlene says it's because of her; Hank says it's because of the bracelet; Larry says it's the snake story argument — all three are simultaneously right and wrong

Larry · Hank:The group assures Jon that Darlene is definitively not a lesbian: 'Guys, guys, and nothing but guys. That's our Darlene in a nutshell.' Hank: 'Yeah, I could vouch for it, too. Uh, we went out briefly, um, but she... you know. She's a little needy, but other than that...'

Hank:'Yeah, I could vouch for it, too. Uh, we went out briefly, um, but she... you know. She's a little needy, but other than that... I think she's just swell.'

Hank:Hank, watching Jon and Darlene together: 'Oh, look at them, look at them, look at them. They're so in love. Mmm.' — then launches into a story about Margaret that Artie cuts off

Beverly · Hank · Larry:You have Alzheimer's on the 20th. Damn. Now, how much do they pay? Uh, 5,000. And the other people? 7,500. Good-bye, Alzheimer's.

Beverly · Hank:Hank, you've done Alzheimer's the last 5 years. You want to cancel because of money? For your information, miss smarty-pants, I've been thinking about dropping Alzheimer's. 5 years. Come on, guys. Where's the cure?

Hank · Beverly:The sun, the fun, the beach, the gambling... Wow. Feels good helping people, doesn't it? Yes, sir.

Hank · Stage Hand:Now, you see this sign up here? That says 'applesauce.' / No, it says 'applause.'

Larry · Hank:Never mind. This Saturday night, nerve deafness, they need an emcee. Larry passed. / And tell them I have some nerve deafness.

Beverly · Hank:Hank, that's so sad. / I really don't have nerve deafness. / I know. That's what's so sad.

Hank:Ho! That is a lovely dress, madam. Somewhere, there's a Winnebago without drapes.

Hank:Hank's monologue about the nerve deafness benefit organizers: 'What makes me very sad... this event is supposed to be about helping people. Now they turn this into a circus. It's about, oh, let's just get the biggest star we can find.'

Hank:The little ones, they're the ones that get hurt here. They're the victims of this sickness, this awful... what is it? Nerve deafness. Nerve deafness. Yes. Do kids get that? I don't know. Let's say, for the sake of my argument, that they get that.

Hank:I'm not angry for me right now. I'm angry for them. They need help, and now I cannot help.

Beverly · Hank:You can still help, Hank. The organizers felt awful and offered a seat at the head table. / Oh, nerve deafness this.

Hank:How many people... famous people... went number 2 tonight? You don't have to tell me. I'm just kidding.

Hank:Hank's intro: 'Because you can't spell Hilarious without lar, Larry...Sanders!'

Larry · Hank:Hank on Haiti: 'Haiti? Uh, where's that?' / Larry: 'That is right next to the Dominican Republic.' / Hank: 'Oh, right, right. I knew that. That's a great shop, you know. I, uh...' / Larry: 'I believe you're thinking of the Banana Republic.'

Hank · Larry:Hank: 'You didn't think Margaret and I would last a year, did you? Be honest.' / Larry: 'Not true. Not true.' / Hank: 'I remember what you said. "Hank, it won't last a year."' / Larry: 'Well, that sounds like me.'

Hank · Larry:Hank invites Larry to dinner with 'Margaret and myself tonight to celebrate.' Larry: 'Ah, you know, that's something I would think you'd want to celebrate, you know, alone.' Hank: 'No, nonsense, this is how I've always dreamt of it.'

Hank · Larry · Artie:The Hank wedding clip on screen — Hank tries to recite his vows, chokes up, keeps starting over: 'Margaret... I thought I knew... sorry. I thought I knew sunshine... but I... I thought I...' The audience and crew laugh; Hank walks in as they're laughing.

Hank:Hank walks in: 'You guys have a lot of yuk-em-ups in there, huh? You have some good laughs?' then: 'My marriage is one big joke to you, isn't it?'

Hank · Larry:Hank: 'A man's sexual peak is at 18. You know, scientists have proven this, but, hey, I think I hang in there pretty good for a 38-year-old guy, you know.' Larry: 'Hank, that is not the problem.' Hank: 'I know it isn't! And, besides, you are 48.'

Hank · Larry:Hank: 'How else would you know about our marital problems?' Larry: 'She told me last night at dinner.' [Beat] Hank: 'Oh.'

Hank · Larry:Hank confesses to Larry: 'She's been distant... so cold... see, at first I just chalked it up to female problems.' Larry: 'Mm-hmm. She having trouble with her—the, uh—' Hank: 'Oh, no. No, not that. I mean, on the other hand, how would I know? I haven't been down there in months. She could have grown a dick over the summer. I wouldn't have a clue.'

Hank · Larry:Hank asks Larry: 'By any chance, do you have any of those pills, because I just need a little—I need a little something to take the edge off.' Larry: 'Well, you know what? I flushed those all down the toilet.' / 'I feel awful.' / Larry: 'You know, those really fuck you up.' / Hank: 'Yeah, I know. I hear that.'

Hank · Larry:Hank, having been told he 'accused' Larry of sleeping with his wife: 'Yes, yes, we're in show business, but I know in my heart of hearts you would never fuck my wife.' Larry: 'Not without your go-ahead.' Hank: 'Exactly.'

Margaret · Hank:Margaret to Hank: 'Admit it, your entire life revolves around Larry. Your mood depends on what Larry said or what Larry did... Every single night, you're up or down, up or down, and I have nothing to do with it.'

Hank · Margaret:Margaret: 'Remember when you forgot my birthday? Have you ever forgotten Larry's birthday?' Hank: 'Well, now, there's a reason for that, because Larry's birthday is just easy to remember. It's December 19th. It just rolls right out, you know, whereas, uh, your birthday is—'

Hank · Larry · Margaret:During Margaret's speech about the Larry problem, Larry's voice from offscreen: 'Where's my script binder?' — Hank immediately stops everything: 'I got it! I got it! I'm coming!' Margaret: 'Hank, where are you going?' Hank: 'This is his binder!'

Margaret · Hank:Hank's wedding vows clip airs on the anniversary special: Margaret says 'Never before had a man communicated so much to me with so few words the way you did.' — Audience: 'Awww.' This is immediately preceded by the crew watching Hank fail his vows.

Hank:Back on air, Hank's emotional speech pivots away from his wife to: '...that person has taught me about compassion, and that person has taught me about caring. And that person... is Mr. Larry Sanders. Give him a big hand.'

Larry · Hank:Larry: 'Well, uh, how about your wife?' Hank: 'Oh, well, you know, we had a good year, but that's over.'

Hank:Hank reveals his coping strategy to Larry: 'There's a deep place inside us all, a very deep place. The trick is you gotta know how to get there. And that place is... your desk, top right-hand drawer, yellow pills. Take a few of those, a shot of bourbon... you'll go immediately to this place.'

Hank · Artie · Daniel Palmer:Hank barges in looking for his keys, is introduced to Daniel Palmer, and asks if Palmer is connected to the 'Circus of the Stars' special

Larry · Hank:Larry's on-air non sequitur about the circus — 'Boy, do I love the circus' — out of nowhere during the show

Hank · Larry:Hank's on-air segment: presenting a bouquet and 'Lipton Cup-a-Soup' to the network as a peace offering

Hank · Receptionist:The receptionist tells Hank she can't let him through without a name or extension number

Hank:Hank trips over a cable, falls, and injures his ankle — live on television during the peace mission broadcast

Hank:Hank confronts Larry after the sketch: 'This is what happens when you screw around with the network. Innocent victims get caught in the crossfire.'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Good looking prosthetic.' Hank: 'Not the foot. The circus of the stars.'

Hank · Artie:'They're going with Gavin McLeod.' / 'I heard he's found the Lord.' / 'Oh, who hasn't? If I was 10 years on that boat, I'd find the Lord, too.'

Hank:"Gavin McLeod doesn't know one fucking ring from another."

Hank:Hank reveals the network offered him a consolation prize: being shot out of a cannon by Barbara Eden

Larry · Hank:Larry: 'I hope you turned them down.' Hank: 'Of course, I plan to. But just in case, are we on hiatus the week of the 23rd?'

Hank · Larry:Hank reveals Larry has already taken Hank's prescription painkillers: 'Yes, but I checked with Beverly. You already have the ones they gave me.'

Hank:Hank's post-fall interview: 'That nice lady is gonna be tripping over a little thing called a subpoena.'

Hank:Hank's '2:30' Chinese dentist joke: 'That is what Chinese man say when he go to dentist. He say, uh-oh. Uh-oh, my tooth hurting.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank discovers that 'calling fans' — his big plan for total focus — means there is literally one item on his agenda besides a voice-over. The pregnant pause after 'That's all.'

Hank:'We have to really keep on top of these calls.' — Hank's upbeat recovery after the fan call disaster

Hank:'No, the first one kind of took the wind out of my sails.'

Unknown crew member · Hank:Someone hands Hank pills after the taping — 'Here's some pills for later. Have a good time, all right?'

Hank · Sarah Jessica Parker:Hank hits on Sarah Jessica Parker by comparing her favorably to Patricia Arquette, who 'died the death of a dog,' and calling them both 'the babies' who lack savvy

Sarah Jessica Parker · Hank:'I have a boyfriend.' / 'Yeah. Um, do you play pool?'

Hank:'I got my own cue and balls.'

Sarah Jessica Parker · Hank:SJP: 'He'll be flying in tonight. And besides, Hank, you're old enough to be my father.' / Hank: 'Ouch. How old is your father? Or was your father, in which case I'm very sorry?'

Hank · Sarah Jessica Parker:Hank: 'Hey, hey, no pressure. If tomorrow's better, hey, I'm fly with that.' SJP: 'You're fly.' Hank: 'What? Is it down?'

Hank · Crew member:Hank hits on the female crew member: 'I got a bottle of champagne at home with your name on it.' / 'And what name would that be?' / 'Brut.'

Hank:Hank: 'Wow, and a sense of humor.' — after being told to go fuck a Toyota

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'No one loves me. No one really cares.' / Artie: 'I do.' — Hank's self-pitying collapse

Hank · Prostitute:Cut to Hank in a hotel room with a prostitute — 'Well, how much just to jack me off?' / '150 cash up front.' / 'What do you mean, up front?'

Prostitute · Hank:Hank pushes back on the 'up front' payment policy: 'That's a new policy, isn't it? Easier that way. You know, when you go to a gas station, they ask you to pay first, so it's a precedent, you know.'

Hank · Prostitute:Hank's emotional disclosure to the prostitute: 'I think I should tell you, I just have a real need to... feel loved tonight.' / Prostitute: 'Yeah, me, too.'

Hank · Prostitute:Hank explaining he's trying to 'replace some of the intimacy I had with her with you' — the long pause after

Hank · Prostitute:'You have no idea who I am, do you?' / 'Thought for a minute I had an idea.'

Hank:'And don't call me mister, all right?'

Prostitute · Hank:The prostitute's story about a guy from Hermosa Beach who made 'cat noises' while she 'blew him' — 'You kind of look like him.'

Hank:Hank: 'Some people are really fucked up.' — said in response to the cat-noise prostitute story that may be about him

Hank · Prostitute:Hank to the prostitute: 'You know, you and I should go out on a date sometime. Not like this. A real date. Just have fun.'

Prostitute · Hank:Prostitute: 'I don't date the guys I do.' / Hank: 'Well, now listen. We have a lot in common. I'm in show business, so I'm a little bit of a whore, too.'

Hank:Hank: 'I'm not calling you a whore. No, no. I'm just saying that, you know, you're different from the other wh... from the other girls.'

Prostitute · Hank:Prostitute: 'You're not the first sidekick I've been with. One time I did this guy named... Andy Richter. Get out.' / Hank: 'Go on.' / Prostitute: 'But you paid for the whole night.'

Prostitute · Hank:Prostitute: 'Sheesh. God, you sidekicks are all alike.' / Hank: 'I heard that.'

Hank · Sid:Hank on the phone with his agent Sid: 'I pay you 10% to care about me.' / Sid: '7½%, you cheap bastard.'

Sid's prostitute · Hank:The high-end prostitute Sid arranged: 'Hmm. You were amazing last night. And I can honestly say that you are the nicest young man that Sid ever introduced me to.'

Raoul · Hank:Raoul the bellhop tells Hank he was 'really funny as always' on last night's show — Hank wasn't on the show.

Hank · Raoul:Hank makes Raoul watch a recording of the show on TV to prove he isn't on it — pointing at the screen: 'I'm not there. Why is that do you suppose?'

Hank:Hank throws Raoul out: 'You get out. And you come back in here, I'll kill you, you little prick.' / Then: 'Raoul. You little... prick.'

Hank · Artie:Hank's existential breakdown: 'Artie, what am I doing here? What did I do with my life? Who am I?' / Artie: 'You're Hank Kingsley. You're the best goddamn sidekick in the business. And that includes the great Al Gore. Don't you fucking forget that.'

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Raul Julia was here?' / Hank: 'Raoul the waiter.' / Artie: 'Oh, man, you're going paranoid. Listen to the way you talk.'

Artie · Hank:Artie produces a loaded gun: 'Whoa, Jesus Christ, is that thing loaded?' / 'You bet it's loaded. This is a Beretta 9mm centurion. You just pick that baby up. It'll do the job for you. It'll be painless, quick. Just put it in your hand, pull the trigger.'

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'That's a real gun?' / Artie: 'What do you think these fucking notches are?' / Hank: 'Oh... gimme the gun, just for a second. I just wanna scare this little shit.'

Hank · Larry:Hank is near-deaf from an air pocket on his flight from Vegas, so all his responses are shouted at the wrong volume, mishearing everything.

Larry · Hank:Ha ha. A little bit! / Well, you should see a... doctor. / Never mind. / Last night!

Larry · Hank:Do you know who Dawn Lasner is? / Donna who?! / Dawn Lasner. Dawn. / Donna Lasner! / No, Dawn.

Larry · Hank:He's having lunch with Donna Lasner! She's trying to get him to produce the late-night show after Letterman at 12:30. / Well, not today! / Today!

Larry · Hank:Fuckers! God, don't say anything about this. / What?! / Don't... keep this to yourself! / Oh! / August, I think!

Hank · Kris Kristofferson:Hey, I was hearing what you were saying about the 3 songs. Listen, no matter what they tell you, no matter what Larry tells you, they'll cut you like a ripe tomato, OK?

Larry · Artie · Hank:The chair height crisis: Larry insists the chair is a quarter-inch low, demands it adjusted, refuses to stand up to allow adjustment.

Hank · Pat Sajak:'Talentless fat fuck,' right? / I catch onto things quickly.

Hank:Yes. Very hurtful. / Not entirely accurate. / I've lost upwards of 14 pounds.

Hank:You skinny little shit.

unnamed staffer · Hank · unnamed staffer:He's having a nose job, right? / Just say it. / Oh, my God, Darlene, did you hear? Larry's getting pectoral implants.

Hank:Wait a minute. You were taking the pain killers because of the nose job, right? So I should win.

Hank · Larry · Hank:It all makes sense to me now. / What does? / Well, you know, when you called me that hurtful name. Oh. You were just so doped out on drugs, you just... you didn't know what you were saying.

Hank · Larry · Hank:It was about the chair height, wasn't it? / Yeah, and I said the chair was too low and it needed to be adjusted... / [extended recap of the chair story] / It's been fixed.

Artie · Artie · Hank:Come on, Hank. Let's go to the smoke house. / We'll bring you some ribs. / All right, see you. Hah. Hup! Hip!

Hank:Excuse me. I hate to be a bother, but is there some religious reason you're not answering my phone?

Hank:What darlene does is not a job, you see? It's a calling, and I will wait for her return.

Hank:Hello? / ... / Fuck you.

Hank:Hello? / ... / I'm tracing this call right now! / Pound sand up your ass.

Hank:Delete? What... what is delete?

Hank · Staff member:Oh. / Oh, of course. / From the cirque du soleil. / The sad clown, right? / No, no. You're thinking of Pinno. / This is Brian.

Hank · Brian:Wow! Personal assistant to Barbara Streisand? / Well, actually, I was the personal assistant to her personal assistant.

Hank · Brian · Staff member (Paula?):And, uh, you left that job because... / Well, I really can't say because I signed the confidentiality agreement. / She made him clean the hair out of her tub.

Hank:Paula, the woman wears a lot of hats.

Hank · Brian:Oh, our nation's capital. / Canada. / I know! Canada. / Close.

Hank:Please, you got the job. Help me.

Brian · Hank:Fred Travalina. / Um, he can't be reached right now. He's in a meeting. May I take a message?

Hank · Brian:Mouthwash? Mm-hmm. Eye drops? Odor-eaters? Size 12 for the big man. Mm-hmm. Hand lotion? Check. All right. Hard-on cream? / No, I forgot it.

Hank · Brian:Okay. I'll be in my office whacking off. / Okay. Uh, I'll hold all your calls.

Hank · Brian:Brian! / Coming! Coming!

Hank · Brian:I love this. You do? / What... what did you do? I mean, the room, it just seems... I don't know. It's so much bigger. / Yeah. The Chinese call it a feng shui... to maximize your harmony and power. / Ah. Well, since my divorce, my dick could use a little feng shui.

Hank · Darlene (letter):Hank reads the Darlene letter aloud to gathered staff: 'I have met a wonderful man, a holy man. He lives in India, and I have decided to follow him. He has shown me the true way, and I have been reborn into truth and light. And I now know that I can never return to the life that I had there with all of you.'

Hank:Hank begins breaking down while reading the final section of the Darlene letter, then falls silent for 17 seconds.

Hank · Brian:Darlene would never let me smoke. / No? Mm-mm.

Brian · Hank:You know, the toughest people are the ones who can cry. / I'm tough. / Yeah, you are. / You're tough, sir. / Hey, life, take your best shot, 'cause to Mr. Hank Kingsley, life is a carousel, and the sun is a scoop of ice cream. Yeah, so blow away those clouds that rain on his parade.

Brian · Hank:I know. I felt exactly the same way when Keith ran off. / I'm sorry. Who's Keith? Your dog? / No, he was my lover. We were together for five years.

Hank · Brian:Sorry, um, I'm not... I'm not following you. You... your lover? / Yeah, he was my boyfriend. / Mmm. Yeah. / Are you... um... are you gay? / Yeah, but that was two years ago, and I got over it. / So, you're not... you're not gay. / What do you mean?

Artie · Hank:Hank, what are you doing? / I put a quarter in, and then nothing came out. / Well, that's 'cause it's 50 cents now. It just went up a couple years ago. / You wouldn't have known that. / Well, thank you. I wanted... coke. / Oh. That's fine. Juice is great. Thanks.

Hank · Artie:He's gay! / He's gay? / Well, don't tell Dana Carvey, 'cause you know what? He'll do an impression of him.

Hank · Artie:How would you feel if Beverly was a gay? / A gay? What are you? Italian?

Hank:There was not one indication on that resume that he was gay. Not... not... not one.

Hank · Brian (or staff):Do you know where I found this message slip? / Hank, I don't even... / In Larry's slot. / In Larry's slot. / Now I'm going to be wondering all the time, 'what else is waiting for me in Larry's slot?'

Hank · Brian:I asked for aloe vera. / Uh-huh. And, uh, what did I ask for? / Aloe vera. / Yes, I asked for lanolin. I asked for lanolin.

Hank · Brian:Darlene was with me for six years. She never did this. / Hank, you asked for aloe vera. / See, that's the attitude that I cannot take.

Brian · Hank:So this has nothing to do with me being gay, does it? / Oh, come on, mister. Come on. / So it's the aloe vera. / 'Cause I can certainly see how that would be the last straw. / You see? There it is again. There's that attitude thing again.

Hank · Brian:I am a supporter of the gay community. I wore a red ribbon to the Emmys. I have been to several Elton John concerts. / What does that mean? / Elton John... is a gay.

Hank · Brian:Where do you think you're going, Mr. Hank Kingsley's permanent assistant? / I thought you were uncomfortable with me being gay. / I am, but where else am I going to find a personal assistant who'll tell me when Larry is hurt?

Brian · Hank:You ordered aloe vera. / Yes, I did. I'm sorry. Forgive me.

Hank · Brian:And Doug Llewelyn didn't call, did he? / Doug Llewelyn's a faggot. / Sorry.

Hank · Larry · Artie:I am going to kick their asses. / He seems really angry. / Aw, fuck Dana. We don't need him. / Well, maybe you're right. / You feeling lucky tonight, my boy? / Well, I got a boner. / Whoa, we're all in trouble.

Hank · Artie:This is about respect. This is about personal space. / Hey, skip to the end.

Hank:someone has been coming in here and just using this baby without my permission. I walk in the morning, the red light is on, and this baby is just warm to the touch, and I gotta tell ya, it's unsettling.

Hank · Artie:And not to get off the subject, but I think we could use this on the show and just have a lot of fun with it. / I think we could. / Really? / No.

Hank · Brian:I know how your people enjoy the karaoke. / It wasn't me, Hank. / Now if you'll excuse me, I must go call my parents and tell them I'm Asian.

Hank:And now, because he's a big, phony bastard... Larry Sanders!

Artie · Hank:Hang in there, Hank. / This is Artie, our producer. / What a kiss-ass.

Hank · Artie:Artie, the karaoke machine. / Trouble, Hank? / No, that's just the point. Everything is Dan-Dan-dandy.

Hank · Artie:It appears that someone has vomited in my wastebasket... / I'll get on it right away. / I said to myself, 'well, did I do that?' / But I don't think I did. / Who'd we have on the show last night?

Artie · Hank:I believe random vomit is the janitor's responsibility. / Have Brian call and ask for Nicolae. / Is he in? / Yes.

Hank:Hank tells the audience the sign says 'Applesauce,' then corrects himself: 'It says applause.'

Hank:Hank: 'The better you are, the better Larry is.' — Hank building up the audience but inadvertently admitting his own irrelevance.

Hank:Hank: 'Why do I have to be the little puppet?'

Hank · Irene · Sid:Hank's response to winning the orange growers spokesperson job: 'I'm just juiced!' — then immediately realizing the inadvertent pun.

Hank · Irene · Sid:Hank learns the competition for the spokesperson job was Sandy Duncan, and they feared the 'eye thing' would suggest orange juice caused vision loss.

Hank · Sid:Hank's self-description: 'I come here, I do my work, I go home. I read, uh, the bridges of...' [Sid whispers] 'Madison County.' — Hank doesn't know the title of the book he's referencing.

Hank:Lines heard from the sex tape playing in the background: 'I shall wash, but I shan't be clean.' / 'Pinky's got the tits, Butsey's got the ass.'

Hank · Phil:Hank confronts Phil: 'You stole this from my office?' / Phil: 'Not exactly.' / 'Not exactly.' / 'We were walking by. It said Hank's birthday. We thought we missed your party or something.'

Hank · Phil:Hank insists: 'This isn't my tape.' Then: 'What did you do?' / 'Copies.' / 'Not a copy.' / 'Copies as in more than one!'

Sid · Hank:Sid's crisis management via Rob Lowe: 'Nobody remembers the Rob Lowe tapes.'

Sid · Hank:Sid's defense of Hank's sex tape situation vs. Rob Lowe: 'Rob Lowe has a playboy image. Do you like that? Hank Kingsley — people think of Hank as just a meat and potatoes guy. A guy you can invite over for dinner. 'Hey, Hank, what are you doing tonight? You're busy? What are you doing?' / 'Well, I'm just fucking two women!'

Hank · Sid:Hank threatens to find a younger agent. Sid: 'One of them is in his sixties. He's looking very good. So go mess around!'

Henry Winkler · Hank:Henry Winkler tells Hank he looks 'very centered. Life must be good, huh?' / Hank: 'I'm drunk. Actually my life is shit.'

Henry Winkler · Hank:Winkler makes a joke about Hank releasing an 'exercise tape': 'I just heard you were coming out with some kind of tape, an exercise tape. Congratulations.' / Hank: 'What is that, a joke? What are you, trying to be funny?'

Larry · Hank · Henry Winkler:Hank tries to snap at Winkler. Larry defends Winkler: 'Don't pick on him. If you want to pick on somebody, pick on Norm MacDonald. He didn't bring anything.'

Hank · Henry Winkler:Hank tells Winkler 'you can't just bang a jukebox and go 'ayyy!' and your problems disappear, Fonzie.' Winkler: 'It worked for me.'

Hank · Larry:Hank mid-emotional speech about Larry's support — then: 'Is my fly down?'

Hank · Larry:Hank: 'Sex is not a dirty thing. Sex is not a crime. It's a loving act between 2 or more consenting adults.' / Larry: 'To quote our president.' [Laughs]

Larry · Hank:Hank shows up at the promo shoot. Larry: 'Thought you were sick.' Hank: 'Yeah, I am sick. I'm sick as a dog. They just insisted that we do this today.' / Larry: 'Well, you lied to me.' / Hank: 'Come on.' / Larry: 'You're a liar.'

Hank:Hank to a crew member at the promo shoot: 'I'm gonna kill him. Who? Larry. I'm gonna wait for him after the show in the parking lot and I'm gonna fucking kill him. Now listen to me. You're gonna help me do it. I'm Lyle. You're Eric. We're gonna grab a couple of shotguns and we're gonna take out daddy.'

Hank:Hank calls someone a 'bald piece of shit' and a 'fat little whore' — then there's a crash, and someone asks 'Hank?! Hank? Is this a bad time?'

Hank:Hank prays in his dressing room, confessing 'I'm not a religious man, I don't have a moral code to live by,' then quotes the orange growers contract verbatim as his prayer to God.

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'The genie's back in the bottle.' / 'You're looking at a newborn Hank Kingsley. He's decent, and he's moral.' / Hank: 'Amen, brother.'

Hank:Hank alone on screen: 'I want this job. I want it. It means everything to me. So... just give me another chance. Please. Is there anything I can do? Anything!'

Irene · Hank:Irene Goodman responds to Hank's 'Is there anything I can do? Anything!' by whispering: 'Would you like to come up to my hotel tonight?'

Hank:Hank's local affiliate promo: 'For only southern oranges have— Yee-haw! The taste of Dixie in a purty little carton.'

Hank · Beverly:So the MacGyver thing's over? Kaput.

Hank:Pussy alerts are just not as much fun as they used to be.

Hank:Hank's 'Miss Saigon' anti-Asian driving joke

Hank · Staff member:'Oh, it's an AIDS thing, right?' / 'No, but it's always an AIDS thing.'

Hank:'20 whole dollars. Can a cure be far behind?'

Hank:'It's an awful, horrid disease and I'll... I'll need a receipt.'

Hank · Writer:Hank: 'Is it me, or does this suck? I mean, I hate this sketch.' — then the writer says he agrees, surprising Hank

Bobo the Clown · Hank:The clown tells Hank: 'You must get laid a lot, huh? It's the shoe thing, you know? The kick size, dick size.' / 'Yeah, these are Bruno Magli size 112.'

Hank:Hank's 'sympathetic' visit: 'Not that I'm rolling in it. Between my fucking ex-wife and the ponies, I'm lucky if I can swing postage.'

Hank:Hank's endorsement pep talk: 'Your name and your likeness... a couple of major endorsement deals... you're gonna be wiping your ass with $100 bills.'

Hank:Hank: 'I know what you need... [pause] You need a hug.'

Larry · Artie · Hank:Larry, finally roused from depression by Hank's forcible hug: 'You fucker. Don't ever do that to me again.' Artie: 'It was showtime. My hands were tied.'

Artie · Hank:The trellis-burning story: Artie and Hank went to the wrong house (Frank's old house) and burned down a stranger's trellis

Hank · Larry · Artie:'There's no trellis at his new house... the one on Benedict Canyon that he just moved into.' / 'Oh, shit.' / 'Nice going, you fucking moron.'

Hank:'You know, when that Asian woman came out of the house screaming, I just thought she was the housekeeper.'

Larry · Artie · Hank:Frank's 'plan is working' — he got his money back and Frank was scared enough to return fees; Artie drily congratulates Larry on his 'adult' plan

Hank:Hey, Phil... hey, great shirt! Where'd you get that? / Oh, thanks. I think I got it at... / Do you have a 20?

Phil · Hank:The last time I loaned you money, it took you like a month to pay it back. / I know, and you know what happened? I sent Brian to the bank with my ATM card, but I don't know what happened to him. He probably got sucked into some kind of parade.

Hank · Phil:No, I... I can't. I got the delivery guy from Peng's place. I ordered the sweet and sour chicken. / It's incredible. You ever had it? / It cured my cold.

Phil · Hank:Hank, listen, I can't find Brian. / Well, join the club. / Do you have the money you owe me? / What money? / The $20 that I loaned you this morning. / Oh, right. See Brian about that.

Phil · Hank:Hank, I can't find Brian, OK? That was my last $20, and I can't go to the cash machine after dark because I get mugged. / My advice? Pepper spray, and don't be afraid to use it.

Hank:What's this about a Tiffany frame?

Hank · Jennifer Aniston · Larry:Larry's the king, man. King Kong! Ha ha ha ha! What does that mean? / Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep? / Anywhere he wants to. / I don't get it. / Larry is the gorilla. He's huge, talent-wise.

Hank:'What about the monkey grabbing your nuts? That's a classy one.'

kd lang · Hank:kd lang to Hank: 'Didn't recognize you without your chain saw.'

Hank:Hank to kd lang: 'I can't wait, but then I've always enjoyed bleeding from my ears.'

kd lang · Hank:kd lang: 'You still vacuum in the nude?' Hank: 'Why don't you get some blinds for that glass door, you sick fuck?'

kd lang · Hank:kd: 'It kind of turns you on, though, doesn't it?' Hank: 'Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. It makes me sick.'

Larry · Hank:On the anniversary show, Larry says to Hank: 'It seems longer than 8, doesn't it?' and Hank responds with an extended awkward beat.

Artie · Hank · Staff:Here are your answers: You love your job, you love the guests, but most of all, you love Larry. Let's hear it. / We love our job. We love the guests. / I swear to God, I forgot what the last thing was.

Hank · Artie:Why? I'm a big supporter of women's rights. / Oh, give me a break.

Staff Member / Beverly · Hank:Yeah, Hank. Maybe you could show her your video where you're supporting one woman's rights while another woman is blowing you.

Hank · Staff Member:How did you find that out? / You are such an asshole.

Hank · Beverly · Gloria Steinem:Hank, they need to see you in wardrobe. / Just one minute. / They need to see you in wardrobe. / And I'll tell you why. Women, thank God, are now equal with men, and... although, I gotta tell you, I think men are just a little stronger... [long pause]

Hank:...but in all other areas, equal. Especially at the crunch. You know... sex time.

Hank · Gloria Steinem:Before, I just never even considered... / pleasing another woman?

Hank:Great ass.

Hank · Artie:Sandra Bernhard is trying to take over the show. / Let me guess. Are you pissed because you didn't get to host again? / No, no, I'm not pissed.

Hank · Artie:I tell you there's a conspiracy, and you tell me to put on makeup, but then she walks in, tells you, and you're all ears. / It's always about you, isn't it?

Sandra · Hank:Look at her eyes. Look at her eyes. They're so... / No, no, no, no. / You said, look at 'em. / I know. I'm looking. Her eyes are really incred... / Hank, look into her eyes. / I got it. I'm fine right here.

Sandra Bernhard · Hank:Sandra keeps telling Hank to look into the snake's eyes — 'She's kind of an enchantress, Hank. I think you might get into her.' Hank is terrified and refuses.

Artie · Sandra · Hank:You remember when you sit out there, you're sitting in Larry's chair. And you got it? / I'm sitting behind that desk for the next 2 weeks. / Well, I'll be sitting right next to you. / Oh, it's going to be a big fucking party, isn't it?

Larry · Hank:Shouldn't you be doing the warmup? / You see? I can't get this from anybody else. This... this right here. This is our relationship.

Hank · Brian:Hank's Jensen Healey — 'My god, if this car gets me just one third the pussy that man got, I die a happy man.'

Elvis Costello · Hank · Brian:Elvis Costello arrives making car sounds ('Rrr! Rrr! Rrr!') and saying 'I'm gonna miss her' about the Jensen Healey he just sold.

Elvis Costello · Hank · Brian:Elvis Costello: 'I don't wanna be one of those sad male menopause guys, you know, drivin' around in their sports car, looking for pussy. Nothing sadder.' — while literally in the process of selling his sports car to Hank, who is buying it for exactly that reason.

Hank · Brian:Hank casually explains that England's weakness is being bad negotiators and that 'they sold Alaska to us for nothing.'

Hank:Hank's Spanish language tape sign-off: '¡Hola, jefe! ¡Gracias, señoritas and caballeros! 2 more shows, and it's a week of fun in the sun.'

Hank:Hank enters looking disheveled: 'Elvis Costello and his piece-of-shit mobile, that's what happened to me.'

Hank:Hank: 'This morning I had a delightful hour on the side of the 405, rehanging the muffler with my goddamn necktie.'

Brian · Hank:Brian's response to Hank's 405 story: 'Hank, next time that happens, just call me.' — Hank's comeback: 'Oh, so you're saying that my car phone works. What a delightful sense of humor you have.'

Hank:Hank's Jensen Healey litany of failures: smells like a dead horse, touching the CD player and steering wheel simultaneously gives you a shock, 'and the engine stalls out if I cut a fart.'

Hank:Hank lists three specific Jensen Healey defects: smoke that smells like a dead horse, getting a shock when touching the CD player and steering wheel simultaneously, and the engine stalling when he 'cuts a fart.'

Hank:After all the complaints, Hank says: 'God! He saw me coming.'

Hank:Hank, seeing a colleague notice the Jensen Healey, immediately pivots to pride: 'Yes, it is, and thank you for noticing it. We were just talking about it. It's a limited edition. 300 of these babies made.'

Hank · Colleague:Colleague tells Hank the car is leaking something that smells like gas. Hank: 'Oh, no, no. See, you don't know. You're a novice. What you're smelling is pure driving power.'

Hank:When privately asked if something is wrong with the car, Hank immediately drops the pretense: 'Of course there's something wrong. Get a fucking mop and meet me in the garage.'

Hank:Hank's muffler mechanic confrontation: '$300 for a water pump? Hank! But I still smell gas. Hank! Yes! I do realize that the water pump is not connected to the fuel system, but I just had the mistaken impression that you had a nose. Tally ho, fuck face!'

Hank · Staff Member:The car fire: 'Your car's on fire.' Hank explodes — 'God damn it! When were you gonna tell me?!'

Hank · Unknown Staff Member:During Elvis Costello's performance, someone is visibly mocking him: 'What are you doing?' 'I'm mocking him because he's an asshole.'

Elvis Costello · Hank:After the performance, backstage: Hank confronts Costello about the car. Costello: 'It's not a car. It's a driving machine.'

Hank · Elvis Costello:Hank: 'Man, I should've learned my lesson when I bought that moped from Sting. There's your problem. You don't buy anything from Sting.'

Hank:Hank: 'Oh, save it for your Limey bullshit love songs, will you, please? You owe me money, asshole.'

Hank · Director:The director calls '5 seconds' and Hank has to immediately pivot from furious confrontation to a cheerful on-air persona — then sighs and walks out smiling.

Hank:Oh, no. No, not the orange juice. / Well, that can't be happening. / No -- my contract's up for renewal.

Hank · Brian:Hank to Brian: 'Why didn't you call Shadow Stevens and tell him about the poker game last night?' / Brian says he left a message / Hank: 'That's the old number.' / Brian: 'I'm sorry.' / Hank: 'The new number's in your rolodex, Brian.' / Brian: 'I'm sorry.' / Hank: 'Are you crying?'

Hank · Brian:Hank berates Brian for using the wrong phone number from the Rolodex; Brian begins crying at the mild criticism.

Beverly · Hank:Beverly to Hank: Brian broke up with 'David' / Hank: 'David?' / Beverly: 'His boyfriend, Hank.'

Hank · Marylou:Marylou says she hoped she asked all the questions Larry would ask. Hank: 'Did you ask if she'd sleep with you? 'Cause then you nailed it.'

Hank · Brian:Hank looks at Brian's face and says 'Mmm, missed a spot.' Brian: 'No, on your face.'

Hank · Brian:Brian asks 'Go where?' / Hank: 'Wherever the fucking horse goes.'

Hank:Hank at the bar: 'There's a guy looking at you. No. Don't. Don't. Don't look. No, he's, um, he's at the end of the bar. He's, uh, very attractive.'

Hank · Gordon:Hank approaches Gordon: 'Oh, my go... do you know who you are?' / Gordon: 'Yes I do. Do you know who you are?' / Hank: 'Yes. I'm Gordon.'

Hank · Alan · Brian:Gordon's friend Alan: 'You are very popular in the gay community, Hank.' / Hank (to Brian): 'See, I told ya.'

Hank:Hank explains to Gordon: 'Well, Brian broke up with his boyfriend, and so I thought I'd take him out and show him a good time here... we were just sitting, and, uh, talking about getting back on the horse, when we saw you staring.'

Hank · Brian:Brian after Gordon and Alan leave: 'See? I'm a loser.' / Hank: 'You're not gonna cry again, are ya?'

Hank:Hank's immediate response to the Variety column: 'Well, that's a lie. We never went to Mother Lode.'

Hank:Hank's plan: 'I have to find an attractive woman to be seen with.'

Hank · Beverly:Hank: 'The studios used to make sure that Rock Hudson was seen in the company of beautiful women all the time. That way people would know that he was a romantic leading man.' / Beverly: 'Rock Hudson was gay.'

Larry · Hank:Hank introduces Rayneene on-air: Larry is asked to introduce Hank's date. Hank: 'Um, he's fanning my penis right now. Maybe you better go back to your, uh, seat.'

Tim Conway · Larry · Hank:Conway: 'Listen, congratulations, I hear you're girlfriend's here tonight.' / Hank says yes. / Conway: 'I haven't had any sex since the Apple Dumpling Gang, so this is quite a treat.'

Hank · Larry:Hank thanks Larry for asking about Rayneene on-air. Larry: 'Should I ask everyone to bring it up?' / Hank: 'Not everyone, but, uh, why, is there a problem?' / Larry: 'It's just that you asked me before the show, and then I did it. And then, you sure that's not enough?' / Hank: 'I mean, that's, uh, enough's enough.'

Hank · Larry:Hank backstage after the Fierstein reveal: 'Oh, no, I'm not. I'm not OK.' / Larry: 'I thought you were, like, doing a bit or something.' / Hank: 'You really didn't know?' / Larry: 'No, I didn't know.'

Hank:Hank's entrance as 'Hank Kingsley, international cigar smuggler' doing a mock-Latino accent and announcing himself in Spanish

Hank · Larry:'Where do you get those, Hank?' / 'Oh, I get these from a guy named Nuña.' / 'Nuña?' / 'Yeah, like in nuña your goddamn business.'

Hank · Unknown:'What the fuck is that?' / 'It's a fan.' / 'What, is that, like, a gay thing?' / 'No, this is a gay thing.'

Hank · Unknown:The 'put the fan down / put the cigar down' standoff, followed by the '1, 2, 3' countdown where both immediately renege

Norman · Hank:'Dean Cain, 3 boxes, Charlie Sheen, 2 boxes, Jason Priestley, 9 boxes.' / 'That kid's a chimney.'

Hank:Hank's story about getting nervous at the airport: a drug dog 'lunged at him' — but 'if I didn't have a biscuit on me, it would've taken my arm off'

Hank · Airport Worker:Airport worker doesn't recognize Hank — thinks he was in Ghostbusters (Bill Murray) and Blues Brothers (John Belushi)

Hank:'I can't believe I actually introduced you to Dolph Lundgren.'

Hank:Hank's account of passing out: 'between the smoke and my recent blood loss, the room just started to swim... and the sofa is on fire'

Hank · Unknown Staff:Maintenance won't get Hank a new couch until next week — Hank: 'And until then, they expect me to do what, just to go fuck myself?'

Hank · Charlie:Hank gives Charlie — the dying child — one of his finest Cohibas as a 'memento'

Hank:Hank denies everything: 'What cigars? I don't... I don't smoke cigars. They're filthy, disgusting. It's like putting a big turd in your mouth.'

Inspector Merriweather · Hank:'What do you keep in this humidor?' / 'Taffy.' / 'Taffy?' / 'Yeah. Yeah, I chew taffy. What is that? Is that a crime?'

Inspector Merriweather · Hank:'Well, then how do you explain the smell in this room and the fact that your couch is burned?' / 'Hot plate.'

Hank:'Fucker.' — Hank's single-word reaction to being told Larry identified him as the source

Inspector Merriweather · Hank:The inspector allows Hank to finish the show before arresting him — 'I'll let you do the show, but immediately afterward we'll have to go downtown to process your arrest.'

Hank · Tonya Bailey:Tonya Bailey (People reporter) has been witnessing the entire arrest — Hank's reaction: 'Oh, fuck me.'

Larry · Hank · Ben Stiller:Larry: 'Where did you hear that?' — Hank walks in immediately: 'You're an asshole, Hank.' / 'Yeah? Well, thanks for ratting me out to the feds, speaking of assholes.' / 'Jesus, is everybody on this show an asshole?'

Hank:Hank is in the audience, drunkenly yelling 'Hey, look at Larry, the big fat asshole! Asshole man!' to the live studio audience

Hank:Hank tells Larry: 'You know, I heard the car show is in town next week. Maybe if you suck off Lee Iacocca, he'll give you miss auto parts.'

Larry · Hank:Larry: 'I wish you could see how Jewish you look right now.' / Hank: 'That's incredible coming from a self-hating Jew like yourself.'

Hank:Hank: 'Listen, I just want you to know that if I go to prison, you don't have to come visit me because you've already fucked me in the ass.'

Hank:'Oh, really? What time is the collar due back?' — Hank to Larry, implying Larry is a dog on a leash

Hank:Hank: 'Listen, I just want you to know that if I go to prison, you don't have to come visit me because you've already fucked me in the ass.'

Artie · Hank · Larry · Ben Stiller:Charlie collapsing/getting sick backstage — Artie: 'Who's that kid?' / Random staffer: 'That's the kid from the one wish foundation.' / Artie: 'OK, gentlemen, we've got to do this show for Charlie.'

Larry · Hank:Hank is asked to say something to Charlie on air — says nothing. Larry: 'Hank's had a bad day.'

Hank:Hank's escalating Angie Dickinson fantasy monologue: "Boy, I'd like to have that police woman put me in a choke hold. You know, frisk me, baby. Whoa, do I have a concealed weapon for you."

Hank:"There he is! Mr. Warm!" — Hank's greeting to Don Rickles

Hank:Hank asks Rickles to get him in at Disney: "I can't get my foot in the door at disney. It's like I shit in pluto's dish or something."

Hank:Hank reminisces about C.P.O. Sharkey being canceled as a tragedy for television

Hank:Hank at the Disney audition: "No, no. Not really. Uh, he'd been on the plane the flight before mine. You could still feel the eisner in the air."

Hank · Disney Executive:Hank suggests Hercules let his hair grow out — and when corrected that it's Samson, says 'I don't think so.'

Hank:"Is he a gynecologist? That's very good. Thank you." — Hank's joke about Hercules' '12 labors'

Hank:"Do I get the part? Joking, joking." — Hank at the Disney audition

Hank:"Let's get ready to rumble!" — Hank's pre-audition declaration

Hank:Hank's Hercules audition line about 'Greia the Magpie and Tivius the Beaver' — clearly invented, non-canonical animal sidekicks

Hank:Hank's Hercules speech ending with 'my new friends Greia the Magpie and Tivius the Beaver'

Hank:"Do I look any different? No. Well, I should because I am playing hercules!"

Hank:"Hey! They want me! They want me!" — Hank's victorious announcement after the Disney call

Hank:Hank's Hercules declaration: "I know not this Hank you speak of. As of this day... you shall see only one man. And that man is... HERCULES!"

Hank:"I killed my wife, I killed my children, and I shall kill you if you do not temper thy tongue."

Hank:"I don't mean to question your judgment, but one of my balls is as big as Tate Donovan."

Disney Executive · Hank:The Hiageus stage direction: '"Hiageus, the village idiot, enters, a sad little stump of a man with a sorry mustache. He's being pelted with stones by a band of toughs. He cries out for hercules in his funny squeal of a voice."'

Hank:"I don't think so." — Hank refusing the Hiageus role after hearing the stage directions

Hank:"Are you saying that being the village idiot is my life?"

Hank:"Do you think that when hiageus gets in trouble, he could say, 'hey, now!'"

Hank · Larry:Hank introduces his Hiageus voice on Larry's show: 'I'm not playing hercules. They offered me hercules, but I'm playing a much better role. Um, a stretch for me. Uh, the role of hiageus. The village idiot.'

Artie · Hank:But, Hank, in hot potato, the idea is to get rid of the potato before the music stops. / I know. That's the twist. / But if they get a prize when they have it, why would anybody throw it away?

Hank · Phil:Larry says, 'I was shocked to see the tabloids have now linked me sexually to both my hands.' / It's not gonna work. Why? / You know Larry only does the jerk-off jokes that he writes.

Staff member · Hank:But if you win for holding it, then why would anyone throw it? / You still don't get it, do you?

Larry · Hank:'I know many of you watch me night after night.' / 'I know I do, Larry.' / That's funny.

Hank:I asked Phil to write some patter for the debut of 'Hank's Hot Potato,' but I hardly think he has captured the spirit of fun with this kind of dialogue: 'I'm sure everyone here loves the old game hot potato, but I'll bet you're going to like it even more when I tell you that I just pulled this potato right out of my big fat ass. Here. Catch.' Then the audience, in unison, shouts, 'Hey, now, Hank, go fuck yourself.'

Phil · Hank · Paula:Phil's 'Hank's Hot Potato' patter: audience shouts in unison 'Hey, now, Hank, go fuck yourself'

Hank · Paula:Who's dealing with my hot potato problem? Is that addressed to me? Pardon me? / I'm not the cook here.

Hank:Hank barging in to announce he wants to be 'roast master' — and insisting on the term 'roast mastering.'

Hank:Oh, Carl Reiner! Come on! That whole stand-up thing is just over. I mean, 'have you noticed this' and 'have you noticed that?' I could do fucking stand-up in my sleep.

Hank:Hillary Clinton may be Bill Clinton's first lady, but she is not his first lay. Ha ha ha. See? I notice stuff, too. I just don't write it down and go to some moth-eaten nightclub and repeat it.

Artie · Hank:I don't think you're built for it, baby. / You don't think that I can handle hecklers? — Hank immediately demands to be heckled to prove himself.

Artie · Hank:Listen, I'm very busy, and I got a sore throat. / Come on! Heckle me! Come on, don't worry, hit me hard.

Hank:Aw, shut up! Shut up and leave me alone, Phil! I'll come when I'm goddamn ready! / Fucking pig.

Hank · Phil:Here's the deal. When someone says something to you, all you gotta do is come back with a dick-related insult. That's it.

Hank · Phil:Now, by so-and-so, do you mean the person heckling? Yes. I'd better write this down.

Hank · Phil:Oh... what if the heckler's a woman? / Well, same thing. You talk about her dick. Makes 'em crazy.

Hank:This stuff's just good to have in real life.

Hank · Phil:Well, you can blow me like everyone else on table. / At your table.

Phil · Hank:Are you on something? / A little bit.

Kip · Hank:Get off the stage, you jerk! / Don't listen to him, everyone. He's just saying that because he's hung like a mosquito. Is mosquito right? Shouldn't it be hung like a bee?

Hank · Artie:Hank learning he's been bumped for Carl Reiner. 'Aw, that's not fair. That's not fair at all. God damn it! That is not fair.' / Come on, Hank. Be a man. / I'm not going.

Hank:Get me a damp cloth and a cyanide tablet.

Hank:OK, anyway, I've been asked to inject some class into this evening. But first, I'd like to thank the hotel for having us here. You see, this thing was sort of like a last-minute thing, and, uh, Tom Arnold's asshole was booked, so...

Hank · Carl Reiner:Oh, yes, the great Carl Reiner! Thank you, Hank. Thank you, Hank. Thank you very much. That's the kind of quick wit and jest that keeps you on Larry's couch.

Hank:Hey, why don't you speak up? Only the people at your table know you're an asshole.

Jon Stewart · Hank:Oh, my... Hank, is that a heckler's retort? / Leave me alone. / I don't come to your job and knock the dick out of your ass.

Jon Stewart · Hank:Hank, are you on something? / A little bit.

Jon Stewart · Hank:Hank, are you on something? / A little bit.

Carl Reiner · Artie · Hank:And I dare say if he called me again... / Hank, we gotta bump ya, buddy. Oh, why? / Well, it's going way over, you know? I'm sorry, sweetie. That's the way it is.

Hank · Artie:No way. No way. I had to sit through their bullshit. / Keep your voice down, will ya? / No, I won't. I mean, you can bump me from the show, but you can't shut me up. / Aw, man. / Fuck... fuck you, Artie. Just... just fuck you, man. / Fuck me? Fuck you. / You'd better calm down right now or I'll take you down.

Hank · Artie:Come on, you pussy. Why don't you do it? Come on. Come on, big man. Go ahead, big man. And don't you push me. Oh, come on, come o... ooh! / Listen. Listen to me right now. You'll either behave yourself, or I'm gonna snap your neck like a butter bean.

Hank · Carl Reiner:Oh, don't hurt me. / That's... that's Hank and... Hank and Artie doing their... their mating dance.

Artie · Hank · Carl Reiner:You'll behave yourself? Yes, yes, yes. / OK. Sit down there. All right. Get down there. Go on. / As you can see, the evening is winding down. Look away, please. Avert your eyes.

Hank:What are you lookin' at?

Hank · Kenny:Hank's new position on the set — being moved progressively further from the desk until he's essentially next to the band, physically demonstrating his marginalization

Kenny · Hank:Hank can't go any further because he's physically at the wall or edge of the stage — Kenny says 'Right here, Hank. Yeah, it's... it's fresher.'

Hank:Hank invents a medical condition to avoid sitting near the band: 'I have a severe hearing disorder... a punctured eardrum... whenever I'm near a loud noise such as a band, my head feels like it's just... [groans] I mean, have you seen the Zapruder film?'

Hank:Hank to his doctor: 'Jesus Christ, my rectal tract paid for your Jaguar.'

Artie · Hank:Artie pours Hank a drink and says 'Let's drink first' before delivering bad news — Hank immediately catastrophizes: 'I knew I was on my way out. This move to the band is like getting on the fucking bus to Auschwitz.'

Hank:Hank's immediate, correct guess: 'Oh my god. I knew I was on my way out. This move to the band is like getting on the fucking bus to Auschwitz. I'm on my way out.'

Artie · Hank:Artie reveals the bad news isn't about Hank — it's about Larry. Hank: 'I'm in. You're out.' [Laughs] 'Boy, oh, boy.'

Larry · Hank:Larry calls out to Hank about the new set — Hank is so far away he can't hear: 'I'm sorry. What?' / 'Are you comfortable?' / [Long pause — Hank still can't hear] 'Do we have a beeper for Hank?'

Hank:Hank describes the new set as 'Downtown. Which city downtown in which, you know? Which city?'

Hank:Hank on a hunt for something in the bleachers. Stagehands and crew have no idea what he's looking for — revealed to be searching for a lost pen while being very secretive about it.

Hank · Beverly:Hank corners Beverly, fishing for information about what Larry gave Artie. Beverly: 'I hear Larry, uh, gave you a— a gift or— or some such thing.' Hank probing in barely concealed desperation.

Beverly · Hank:Beverly lies to Hank: 'Larry didn't give me anything.' Then, aside: 'And it's really— it's sort of driving me crazy.'

Hank:Hank, confessing to Beverly: 'It's not that I'm worried that Larry likes you more than he likes me, because, you know — fuck it — you know, we both know he does.'

Hank:Hank: 'I just want to know what he gave you. And it'll be ok. Then I can start the healing process.'

Hank · Beverly:Beverly finally tells Hank it was 'just a little piece of shit travel clock.' Hank considers this. Then: 'He's such a cheap fucker.'

Hank:Hank in the bathroom, asks a stranger for a pen through the closed stall: 'Can I borrow your pen?' Man: 'Are you gonna open the door?' Hank: 'Slide it under, asshole.'

Hank:Hank emerges from the bathroom: 'Nice going, dipshit. Give me my pen back, schmuck.' / 'I don't need it. I found one.'

Hank · Artie:Hank touches Artie's ass; Artie: 'Don't touch my ass. Now I have to do my makeup all over again.'

Larry · Hank:Larry and Hank argue about the pen: 'I want my pen back, Hank.' / 'I told you, I don't have your pen.' / 'Take your dick out of your ear, you little troll.'

Artie · Hank:Hank: 'You owe me a pen, jerk-off.' / Artie: 'You want a pen? Here. Here. Here's a pen. Go write yourself a little suicide note.' / Hank: 'It's a Phantas.' / Artie: 'Blow me.'

Larry · Hank:Hank: 'You owe me a pen, jerk-off.' Larry: 'You want a pen? Here. Here. Here's a pen. Go write yourself a little suicide note.' Hank: 'It's a phantas.'

Larry · Hank · Bridget Fonda:Larry introduces Bridget Fonda on The Larry Sanders Show-within-the-show. Hank beams, the audience cheers. Larry credits Hank by name while Hank grins and waves — a perfect mock-talk-show moment.

Artie · Hank:Artie tells Hank he needs to get Larry a Chagall lithograph from Galerie Michael on Rodeo — 'he's always looking at' — and to bill it to Artie.

Larry · Hank · Bridget Fonda:On-air: Larry asks Hank to have Bridget sign something for him; she asks where. Larry: 'Uh, I guess on his lap.' [audience laughter] Then: Larry offers the worst pen available: 'I wish we had a better pen, but try it and see if that will work.'

Larry · Bridget Fonda · Hank:Larry on-air: 'Where will you be putting that, if I may ask?' Bridget: 'In my office.' Larry: 'You know what he means by his "office"?' Bridget: 'No.' Larry: 'The van.' [audience laughs]

Ed Begley Jr. · Hank:Ed Begley Jr.'s tribute: 'You're a funny man and a great environmentalist, which explains why you're always recycling jokes.'

Hank:Hank asks if he'll get paid for the tribute tape — immediately after Ed Begley's touching goodbye message

Hank:Hank describes his tribute tape guests: Bernadette Peters, Larry Miller, 'one of the Olsen twins,' Bruno Kirby, and 'later I'm gonna do one of Larry's favorites, Drew Barrymore'

Hank:Hank directing Bruno Kirby's tribute and whispering 'Action!' as if he's a film director

Hank · Bruno Kirby:Hank tells Bruno Kirby his first take didn't feel 'sincere' and asks him to do it 'bigger' — Kirby performs kabuki-level overacting — Hank cuts and says 'What are you doing?'

Hank · Bruno Kirby:Hank suggests Bruno tap into grief for the tribute — 'Have you ever lost somebody close? Mom? Dad?' — Bruno: 'Bruno Kirby doesn't do sad.'

Hank · Bruno Kirby:Hank: 'Now you've got something. Bring that—' Bruno: 'I was in the Godfather, for god's sake.' Hank: 'I don't think so.' Bruno: 'I was in the fucking Godfather: Part II, you moron.' Hank: 'Oh well, I only saw the third one. The good one.'

Hank:Hank: 'Oh, well, see I only — I only saw the third one. The good one.'

Hank:Hank insists he watched the tribute even though he got up and walked away during it — 'No, I didn't.'