Pilots and Pens Lost

Phil:Yeah. Well, they say If you're going to quit, You better do it Early in the day.

Phil:It's about a bunch of guys In a ska band in seattle.

Very dark. Dark like friends?

Artie:You hear that sound, phil? I believe that's The needle breaking On the bullshit-o-meter.

Did you say 'frigging'?

Artie:I'm trying to cut down On my cuss words.

Mother call?

Artie:Yeah. Yeah. She says hello.

Artie:Of 'my shoe in your rectumitis.'

Hank:Like cher's ass.

Hank:It's all tears, cartwheels, And a hard-on.

Network Executive:How would you feel If one of the characters Was black?

Network Executive:Well, we got in our head Now that he's black, So we started calling him Keshaun.

Jonathan Katz:I said, 'thank you. I've been sitting All day.'

Hank:I have been on stand-by For my own phantas For 5 1/2 years now.

Dave Chappelle:Who the fuck am i, hootie?

Dave Chappelle:Maybe that's why They're sleepless.

Dave Chappelle:Every week A patron is murdered! I got to solve it. Kind of like a hip-hop Crime-solving type thing.

Artie:Oh, man, this is a bic. I'm talking about A rare black pen.

Hank:It's not that I'm worried That, uh... Larry likes you More than he likes me, Because, you know-- fuck it-- You know, we both know he does.

Hank:He's such a cheap fucker.

Beverly:He went down, He got in his own car. He drove there. He parked it. He got out. He walked in the doors, And he pulled out His own personal Credit card?

Dave Chappelle:Chappelle: 'I don't know if black people can relate to that. Who the fuck am I, Hootie?'

Dave Chappelle:First I'm hootie, Now I'm fucking kunte kinte, The deejay?

Bridget Fonda:Cocksucker? I don't know. Mother fucker? I don't know.

Larry:Is the whole family Like this?

Hank:Slide it under, Asshole.

Sid:Nice going, dipshit.

Hank:Give me my pen back, Schmuck.

Hank:By the way, I already have A travel clock.

Bridget Fonda:He's got A very firm ass.

Hank getting Bridget to sign autograph 'on his lap'

Artie:Take your dick Out of your ear, You little troll.

Larry:You know What he means By his 'office?' No.

Hank:The van.

Artie:Christ is king.

Phil:I swear on my mother's life That I was just sick.

Artie:From the guy That gives out $10,000 pens? Who does that?

Larry:That's a ph-1,000. That's the top Of the line. I gave you the, uh, One that cost 500.

Larry:But I'm sorry you're out For $10,000?

Larry:Ha ha. What the fuck?

Larry:It'll be a $29,000 story.

Artie · Beverly:You know that pen? Where'd you get it? / Uh, in the supply closet. / Are we not supposed to do that anymore?

Artie · Beverly:Artie, moved, tells Beverly why he lost the pen: 'He bought me a present? It's the first time in 9 years.' [Artie tears up]

Artie:Artie instructs Beverly on what to find: 'It's a p-h-a-n-t-a-s. That's p-h-a-n-t-a-s phantas.' [spelling it out twice with complete seriousness]

Artie:Artie breaks down crying as Beverly leaves: 'You bought me a pen, and I lost it! God!'

Dave Chappelle:Dave Chappelle's script being so bad that his character reads it and immediately says: 'Maybe some no-talent honky ain't never been to Baltimore, 'cause this shit can work, man.'

Dave Chappelle:Chappelle: 'You watch one episode of Roots, and all of a sudden you understand me? First I'm Hootie, now I'm fucking Kunta Kinte, the deejay?'

Dave Chappelle:Chappelle: 'So you know the fuck all about niggers. Why don't you stick your hand up my ass, Phil, and work my mouth since you know what the fuck I'm all about.'

Network Executive:One of the network execs, while Chappelle rages: 'You're Bridget Fonda. Let me tell you something. Your dad sees you doing this, I don't want to be around when he does the show next.'

Artie · Bridget Fonda:Artie asking Bridget Fonda if she'll swear on air: 'What are you gonna say?' Bridget: 'I don't know... Cocksucker? I don't know. Motherfucker? I don't know. Something.'

Artie:Artie's response: 'Is the whole family like this?'

Phil:Phil, overhearing the script disaster: 'I know it doesn't work! I told you at the meeting it's not gonna work! Why the fuck is he writing a black show anyway, man? I don't know. I never wanted to write a black show.'

Network Executive:The network exec calmly responds to Phil's breakdown: 'I wish someone would fucking tell me why you're writing a black show.'

Dave Chappelle:I wish someone would fucking tell me why you're writing a Black show.

Producer/Executive:Producer, after the meltdown with Chappelle and Phil: 'Get this guy the fuck out of here.' / 'I'm serious, man.'

Hank:Hank in the bathroom, asks a stranger for a pen through the closed stall: 'Can I borrow your pen?' Man: 'Are you gonna open the door?' Hank: 'Slide it under, asshole.'

Hank:Hank emerges from the bathroom: 'Nice going, dipshit. Give me my pen back, schmuck.' / 'I don't need it. I found one.'

Larry · Artie:The Flowbee conversation: 'I don't even know what a Flowbee is.' / 'That's the vacuum that cuts your hair.' / [Both laugh] 'Oh, it's gonna be a good one tonight.'

Staff member:Why? Are you not doing the show tonight? [Laughs]

Artie:Artie to Hank backstage: 'By the way, I already have a travel clock.' / 'That's all I'm gonna say.'

Hank · Artie:Hank touches Artie's ass; Artie: 'Don't touch my ass. Now I have to do my makeup all over again.'

Unknown Stagehand:Unknown stagehand: 'He's got a very firm ass.'

Larry · Hank:Larry and Hank argue about the pen: 'I want my pen back, Hank.' / 'I told you, I don't have your pen.' / 'Take your dick out of your ear, you little troll.'

Artie · Hank:Hank: 'You owe me a pen, jerk-off.' / Artie: 'You want a pen? Here. Here. Here's a pen. Go write yourself a little suicide note.' / Hank: 'It's a Phantas.' / Artie: 'Blow me.'

Larry · Hank:Hank: 'You owe me a pen, jerk-off.' Larry: 'You want a pen? Here. Here. Here's a pen. Go write yourself a little suicide note.' Hank: 'It's a phantas.'

Larry · Hank · Bridget Fonda:Larry introduces Bridget Fonda on The Larry Sanders Show-within-the-show. Hank beams, the audience cheers. Larry credits Hank by name while Hank grins and waves — a perfect mock-talk-show moment.

Artie · Beverly:Beverly, behind the scenes, finds the replacement pen has cost $10,000. Artie: 'Do you know how much this pen cost? I'm so relieved I don't care whether it cost 10 thou.'

Beverly:Beverly: 'It cost $10,000. I had to max out my visa.' Larry (on monitor): '...' Beverly: 'It's just a fucking pen.' Beverly: 'What's it filled with, dinosaur sperm?'

Artie · Hank:Artie tells Hank he needs to get Larry a Chagall lithograph from Galerie Michael on Rodeo — 'he's always looking at' — and to bill it to Artie.

Artie · Beverly:'That means Larry spent 10 thou on me.' / 'Apparently so, and now you're spending it on you.'

Larry · Hank · Bridget Fonda:On-air: Larry asks Hank to have Bridget sign something for him; she asks where. Larry: 'Uh, I guess on his lap.' [audience laughter] Then: Larry offers the worst pen available: 'I wish we had a better pen, but try it and see if that will work.'

Larry · Bridget Fonda · Hank:Larry on-air: 'Where will you be putting that, if I may ask?' Bridget: 'In my office.' Larry: 'You know what he means by his "office"?' Bridget: 'No.' Larry: 'The van.' [audience laughs]

Artie:Artie: 'Oh, our prayers have been answered. Christ is king.'

Larry · Phil:Phil returns claiming he feels better and wants to come back. Larry: 'If you want to come back I'm fine with that. It's just that you have to just tell me the truth — that you went away to write a pilot, and now you're coming back 'cause it didn't get picked up, and I'll be fine with everything, really.'

Artie:Artie to Phil's 'I was just sick' lie: 'Works for me.' Larry: 'You ok with it?' Artie: 'Ok by me.'

Larry · Phil:Larry tells returning Phil to write tomorrow's monologue and 'get out a sketch for tomorrow night's guest, the sensational Dave Chappelle.'

Artie:Artie: 'Poor guy just had the shit kicked out of him.' Someone: 'Yeah. No, that was good. You did good there.' Artie: 'It's better for us, anyway.'

Artie · Larry:Artie gives Larry a Chagall lithograph as a gift 'of appreciation.' Larry is stunned.

Artie:Larry: 'From the guy that gives out $10,000 pens? Who does that?'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'You're the guy who gave me this.' Artie: 'That's the pen you gave me, oh generous one.' Larry: 'No it isn't.' Artie: 'Yeah.' Larry: 'No, no, no. That's a PH-1000. That's the top of the line. I gave you the one that cost 500. $500 American.'

Larry:Larry: 'I'm touched that you went to that trouble. But I'm sorry you're out for $10,000?' [genuine sympathy + confusion]

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Ha ha ha. Ah, what the hell? What's 10 thou?' / Larry: '10 thou.' / Artie: 'What a great story this is gonna make at the Friar's Club.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'But this, this is— this is so over the top, Artie. This Chagall.' Artie: 'Well, what's another 10 grand?' Then: Larry says 'This is the one you always looked at, isn't it?' Artie: 'N-no.' Larry: 'Didn't you say the one on the left?' Artie: 'His left.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'How much was this one?' Artie: 'Uh, 19,000.' / 'Hey.' / 'But you like the other one much better, don't you?'

Larry:Larry: 'No. I love this one.' [clearly lying to protect Artie's feelings]

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'Ha ha. What the fuck?' / Larry: 'Ha ha.' / Larry: 'It'll be a $29,000 story.'