As My Career Lay Dying

Hank Kingsley:Banana liqueur. I needed a drink a couple of hours ago. This was the only thing I could find.

Hank Kingsley:My breath smells like a monkey's asshole.

Hank Kingsley:There's a fire extinguisher there. It has a simple elegance, and yet it has strength.

Hank Kingsley:I thought when Larry announced his retirement from the show, I would wake up, because I have that nightmare almost every night.

Hank Kingsley:Hard.

Jim Gray:I think the ratings were even higher for the super bowl than they were for the 3rd rock episode. A very special 3rd rock.

Right in between Richard Simmons and jenny mccarthy.

Bob Costas:Everyone knows you're the reason we lost football.

Artie:If you want to sit there and stare like a moron and breathe though your mouth, you can go sit in jenny jones' audience.

Artie:You better climb back on board and towel off, because we're gonna finish the show in a blaze of glory.

Artie:Just like when you hit on Michael landon's wife. He was dead. That woman was sitting shivah.

Artie:You put your tongue in her mouth.

Brian:I lost my balance. I was falling over, and I stuck my tongue out to break my fall.

Artie:Pure comedy Gold. Melt it, mint it, and ship it to fort knox.

Artie:Pussy-whipped. Flying right back to St. Louis.

Fred de Cordova:Very talented... basketball player.

Larry Sanders:Your boyfriend was over? Ignoring that.

Hank Kingsley:I saw my face reflected in the, uh, in the cooktop, and I said... 'lemons.'

Hank:lemons. When life gives you lemons, you make things with lemons.

Hank Kingsley:Little... little playlets, really.

Hank Kingsley:She stepped on every one of my fucking lines.

Larry Sanders:Oh, I know. I saw that production. And you said you enjoyed it, right?

Hank Kingsley:Yeah.

Larry Sanders:That's what I said.

Hank Kingsley:Move along, chinaman.

Larry Sanders:I hate to be the one to rain on your parade, but doing a play with Ruth buzzi and saying, 'move along, chinaman,' do not an acting career make.

Larry Sanders:Well, there's no shame in doing porno.

Hank Kingsley:Hey, now. We barely know each other.

He cannot act.

I know.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Hank Kingsley:I think they're gonna want to hear the 'hey, now' when they see me.

Hank:And now I have to sit next to that... that... that... that woman.

Hank Kingsley:Jesus, Sidney, will you please get up, and will you help me here?

Hank Kingsley:So... what, did you hire a black man?

Hank Kingsley:Well, you said you went a different way. I mean, how many different ways are there?

Larry Sanders:By things... by things, he means crying, by the way.

Larry:for those of you who are watching tonight, the unemployment line starts right to the right of pat.

Larry Sanders:For those of you who are watching tonight, the unemployment line starts right to the right of pat.

Pat Sajak:the state of liberty. Uh, Hank? Merv? Pat. And, Hank, it's 'statue.' Statue of liberty.

Jeff:What? Jeff. My name's Jeff. You called me Jim.

Hank Kingsley:I called... I'm sorry. Who's this fucking guy?

Hank Kingsley:The correct title is the new colossus, so I guess you should worry a little less about your name and a little more about these, uh... these questions.

Hank Kingsley:Well, not to worry, debbie, with a body like yours, you don't have to be smart.

Hank Kingsley:Because, in fact, her tits aren't that great. I mean, they're too big for her body.

Larry Sanders:I'm this close to hitting you.

Hank Kingsley:That's down near San diego.

No.

Missouri.

Hank Kingsley:2 million fucking dollars?

Larry:What about, uh, big Jew jamboree?

Hank Kingsley · Jeff:The game show question: name the Emma Lazarus poem engraved on the Statue of Liberty. Nobody knows it. Jeff — repeatedly called Jim by Hank — buzzes in with 'Colossus.'

Hank Kingsley:After Jeff gets 'Colossus' wrong, Hank tells him: 'So I guess you should worry a little less about your name and a little more about these, uh... these questions.'

Hank Kingsley:Hank to female contestant Debbie, who has failed to answer: 'Not to worry, Debbie — with a body like yours, you don't have to be smart.'

Hank Kingsley:After being dropped from the game show for sexual harassment: 'I paid a compliment to her on her body. I mean, is that a crime? I mean, I'm being kind. I'm just being generous. Because, in fact, her tits aren't that great. I mean, they're too big for her body.'

Hank Kingsley:Hank continues: 'I paid a compliment to her on her body. Is that a crime? I'm being kind. I'm just being generous. Because, in fact, her tits aren't that great. I mean, they're too big for her body.'

Artie:Someone attempts to motivate Hank: 'You have, uh, first of all, a huge talent and a fantastic voice and a lot of fans out there who love you, Hank Kingsley.' — long pause — 'Yeah. You got charm and you got personality. Your future's out there. All you have to do is reach out, grab on, and hang on for the ride.'

Hank Kingsley:Hank's response to Artie's motivational speech: 'I'm this close to hitting you.'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank to Artie mid-pep-talk: 'I'm this close to hitting you.'

Hank Kingsley · Andy Williams:Andy Williams appears. Hank asks where he's been. Williams says he built a theater in Branson, Missouri. Hank: 'Oh, sure. That's down near San Diego.'

Hank Kingsley · Andy Williams:Andy Williams reveals his Branson theater does over 6 million tourists a year and 2 shows a day, packed every night. Hank: '2 million fucking dollars? Good for you. Why not?'

Larry Sanders:Larry asks about the money: '2 million fucking dollars? Good for you. Why not?'

Hank Kingsley:Hank, inspired by Andy Williams, announces: 'I'm going to Branson. I'm opening up the Hank Kingsley Hey Now Music Hall. Or the Hey Now Opry. I'm still fucking around with that name.'

Artie:Artie's response to the Branson announcement: 'What about, uh, big Jew jamboree?'

Hank Kingsley:Pat Sajak reacts to the Branson announcement — implied reaction beat — then: 'Pat Sajak. I just got a job working for Pat Sajak.'