The Beginning of the End

Larry:We're in bed by 10:00 most nights.

Doctor:Well, that's ok. / I can see that.

Doctor:You just said that you Don't stay up past 10:00. So I didn't know how You had seen Jon Stewart.

Artie:How goes The head doctor?

Larry:What's not to like? I got a lollipop, And he shaved me Before the exam.

Artie:First of all, There should be A law on the book That prevents Network people From using The word 'creative' In their job titles. They see it On their stationery And they start Believing it.

Larry:What canyon Comes off melrose?

Artie:Bullshit canyon, That's what.

el nino is lifting The skirts el northe. Whoa-ho! Whoa! Hey, look at her ass!

Artie:That's the trouble With hollywood, Larry. Everyone's got two pricks And three assholes. It's a genitalia Horn of plenty.

Larry:Why does the handwriting Of most of my fan mail Match the handwriting Of the unabomber?

Larry:'Dear sir, your show Is technically crippling. What's left of humanity? Love, ted k.'

Larry:This must be for Hank.

Larry:Dear sir, your show Is technically crippling. What's left of humanity? Love, ted k.

Larry:This must be for Hank.

Larry:What are they Doing up so late?

Kenny:Who gives a shit? They're watching you.

Artie:Let's all join The fucking circus.

Kenny:We're beating Letterman In indianapolis. His own backyard.

Artie:This desk is the most Lasting relationship That Larry's ever had. He's married To this desk. It's there for him Every night, And it allows him To come in from the rear.

Kenny:The guy From men at work?

Artie:[Sighs] You're killing us. / That's 3 guys. Where's the sex?

Artie:We'll have our bookers Scour sunset after midnight, And the first celeb We find getting blown By a hooker, Consider him booked. Or her.

Artie:I thought we sprayed For roaches last week.

Hank:Uh, here?

Kenny:Further.

Hank:Can't, uh, Go any further.

Kenny:Right here, Hank.

Kenny:Yeah, it's, uh-- It's fresher.

Hank:Can I share Something with you? Um, I have a severe Hearing disorder. Actually, It's a, uh... Punctured eardrum, And, uh, Whenever I'm, uh... Very near A loud noise Such as a... A band, My head feels Like it's just... I mean, Have you seen The zapruder film?

Hank:Can't, uh, go any further.

Kenny:This is just A stepping stone to Prime time for me, A tired little Piece-of-shit Stepping stone.

Larry:How many guys are Gonna come in here And blow me?

Artie:We're on the top floor. Someone on The fucking roof?

Stevie:How many guys are Gonna come in here And blow me?

Stevie:Do I look deaf to you? 'Cause you're talking To me like I'm deaf. Do deaf people walk around In $3,000 suits? I don't think so!

Stevie:You guys can just Take your cocks, And you can Put them on at 11:30 With all The other cocks, And you can call it The cock network.

Jon Stewart:Yeah. They Took the veal Off the menu. I hate This fucking place.

Hank:Jesus christ, my rectal tract Paid for your jaguar.

Hank:This move to the band Is like getting on The fucking bus To auschwitz. I'm on my way out.

Larry:I thought you were 32.

Stevie:Yeah. Well...

Stevie:I had to eat lunch, Larry. / With Jon Stewart. Yeah.

Larry:I see.

Artie:I remember you Tooting up behind a tree, Using your cell phone.

Larry:Well, we're all A little nervous here At the Larry Sanders show Because the network Is requiring us To attend a sexual Harassment seminar On friday, And I still Don't have a date.

Stevie:That's what makes it A great company.

Country.

Stevie:What did I say?

Larry:The chicken flu Is really something. Boy, oh, boy, My chicken has been In bed for 6 weeks. I really just hope My cock doesn't get it.

Larry:I got a lot of letters Asking if, uh... You know, there's any way The people at home Can see my lap Throughout The whole show, And, uh, here it is. You got A clear shot, uh... Honestly, that desk Was totally, uh... In the way.

Larry:Do you like The new set, Hank?

Larry:Oh, that's right. So Hank is over By the, uh, band now

Larry:I'm sorry. What?

Larry:Are you-- Are you comfortable?

Larry:You know, This is, uh... Are you, uh-- Do we have a beeper For Hank?

Hank:I think It's beautiful. I think it's, uh... Downtown.

Larry:Which city downtown In which, you know? Which city?

Larry:How do you like The big, comfy chairs?

Colin Hay:They're airy. Very airy.

Larry:Well, maybe we Ought to get you One of those long pillows Shaped like a woman, so, You know, If you get nervous, You can start Humping one of them.

Larry:Right, because, uh... Because i--

Colin Hay:Have one?

Larry:No! It's not that at all, But that's a very Interesting thing You mentioned there, That I do Have a lazy eye.

Colin Hay:Basically, I can look at you, And this eye, If it gets bored Or if somebody's Talking to me, This eye just goes, 'Ah'-- Just looks over here, You know.

Larry:I'm sorry. This gets very--

Colin Hay:I think it's a gift.

Larry:I wish I could Look away.

Larry:Look how Uncomfortable I am.

Colin Hay:Yeah, well, it's Gonna take some Getting used to.

Colin Hay:You know, I used to Have a desk myself.

Larry:I don't know Who I am anymore.

Colin Hay:Larry, I wrote A screenplay That I think Would be fantastic For patrick swayze.

Larry:Great.

Colin Hay:Is there any way You could help me Get it to him?

Larry:Um... Is my time just about up?

Kenny:Larry, this is Coming from upstairs.

Larry:How could it Be coming From upstairs? I just asked you.

Larry:[Whispering] Oh. I get it.

Larry:Uh, as you may have heard, My contract is up In, uh, 8 weeks, And, uh, I want you To know first That when My contract is up, I will not be coming back.

Kenny:What the fuck Was that?

Kenny:Shit, I swear I had No idea about this.

Kenny:Shit! Fuck! Fuck!

Larry:You're fired.

Larry:You're fired.

Artie:When I said Put your foot down, I think you Misunderstood me.