The Roast

Artie:I thought I smelled a publicity man on the premises.

Artie:I remember the night they did Totie Fields. I think I heard every one-legged joke there ever was that night.

Hank:Oh, my God, girl, if you're going to a roast, I gotta take you shopping, teach you how to dress.

Hank:I believe technically it's called roast mastering

Hank:Come on! That whole stand-up thing is a... it's just over. I mean, 'have you noticed this,' and 'have you noticed that?'

Hank:Hillary Clinton may be Bill Clinton's first lady, but she is not his first lay.

Hank:See? I notice stuff, too. I just don't write it down and go to some moth-eaten nightclub and repeat it.

Artie:Get off the stage, ya fucking moron! I've taken shits more interesting than you are! You're nothin' but Larry Sanders' personal fuck-bitch!

Hank:Good comeback.

Dana:You mean after his other best friend, Jeffrey Dahmer?

Dana:Jeffrey Dahmer is dead. He's unavailable. I know. That's the joke.

Norman:What are you, in P.R?

Bill Maher:I'm as free Saturday night as he is next month.

Phil:all you gotta do is come back with a dick-related insult. That's it.

Hank:what if the heckler's a woman?

Phil:Well, same thing. You talk about her dick. Makes 'em crazy.

Phil:I don't come down to your job and knock the dick outta your mouth while you're trying to work.

Phil:you can blow me like everyone else on table. At your table.

Larry:Wait a minute. He told me he was going on vacation. Why do they have to lie that way?

Stevie:Dennis Miller passed. He's very sick. He's in the hospital. Christ! It's like he wants to be caught.

Artie:Very simply, he's the guy we had to take to get Jerry fucking Seinfeld.

Hank:Is mosquito right? Shouldn't it be hung like a bee?

Carl Reiner:For 'the 2,000-year-old man.' We know that was my idea. Your idea was to tell Mel not to do it with a Jewish accent.

Hank:Get me a damp cloth and a cyanide tablet.

Dana Carvey (as George Bush):Sorry I couldn't make it to your roast, Lar, but I'm bone-fishin' with Barb. Get it? Bone? Barb? Fishin'?

Dana Carvey:Tell Hank to shut the fuck up.

shave my head with a cheese grater... get a barium enema, and check Dom DeLuise's ball sack for lumps.

tell Hank that Ed said to shut the fuck up.

Dana Carvey:I just wanna say to Bruno Kirby, you owe me 250 bucks, you little prick. Where is he? Oh, there he is. OK.

Carl Reiner:The great thing about Larry Sanders is that he never exploited the fact that he was a homosexual. He was gay, he was proud, but he didn't shove it down anybody's throat.

Most of it hit you when he tripped over the microphone cord.

Carl Reiner:oh, Christ, I'm not wastin' this on chicks!

He's doing his act. He's killing.

Carl Reiner:luckily, the camera loves me.

Artie:The bastard cancelled an hour ago.

Kip Addotta:Like today... we put salt on our asses... and we drove out to that petting zoo.

Larry:Well, then I owe Carrot Top a big apology for last year, don't I? Remember when I said he would suck a cock doing a sack race?

and Tom Arnold's asshole was booked, so...

Carl Reiner:That's the kind of quick wit and jest that keeps you on Larry's couch.

Norm Crosby:you are absolutely adequate.

Norm Crosby:When I first met Larry Sanders, he was screwing my cousin. And I didn't even know that he knew Harvey.

Norm Crosby:When I first met Larry Sanders, he was screwing my cousin. And I didn't even know that he knew Harvey.

Norm Crosby:He's on that new Hollywood agent diet. You can only eat while you're being eaten.

Norm Crosby:You just... never seem to be able to get 'em at home.

President Clinton:I'd rather have Al Gore fuck me in the ass.

Bruno Kirby:What the fuck am I doing here? I'm an actor. We do 2 different things. Comedians jerk off. I work.

Bruno:And I don't owe you $250, pal. You owe me $250.

Larry:The key lime pie is delicious.

Artie:This is the worst fucking night of my life.

Larry:And that was chocolate cake.

Larry:This is the worst fucking night of my life. And that was chocolate cake.

Jon Stewart:as opposed to Larry who's just old.

Jon Stewart:hey, why don't you speak up? Only the people at your table know you're an asshole.

Hank:I don't come to your job and knock the dick out of your ass.

Artie:You'll either behave yourself, or I'm gonna snap your neck like a butter bean.

Carrot Top:It's a plate for bulimics. See, they can eat...

Larry:everyone I love is here tonight, and, um... what an honor.

Larry · Artie:Why is he doing this to me? / Oh, come on. It's what they do at roasts. It just sounds worse when it's about you.

Larry:Well, then I owe Carrot Top a big apology for last year, don't I? Remember when I said he would suck a cock doing a sack race? I was such a moron. I only meant it to be funny.

Artie:He's doing a kid's show on Saturday.

Kip Addota:Larry found work on a poultry farm, taking blind turkeys out to shit.

Larry · Artie:This asshole's running long. / They're all going long.

Kip Addota:Even way back in those days, Larry always promoted safe sex. I remember he had me go around and tag all the sheep that kicked.

Hank:OK, anyway, I've been asked to inject some class into this evening. But first, I'd like to thank the hotel for having us here. You see, this thing was sort of like a last-minute thing, and, uh, Tom Arnold's asshole was booked, so...

Hank · Carl Reiner:Oh, yes, the great Carl Reiner! Thank you, Hank. Thank you, Hank. Thank you very much. That's the kind of quick wit and jest that keeps you on Larry's couch.

Carl Reiner:Our next guest is a favorite of everyone from a hundred to 300 years old. No. No, he's actually a favorite of Larry's, but no one else's. Please welcome — and let's hope he can hear this introduction — Norm Crosby!

Norm Crosby · Carl Reiner:I thought you said Cosby. / No. I said Crosby right from the very start. You must have misunderstood me. / What a night. Thank you very much, Carl. I gotta tell you, you are absolutely adequate.

Norm Crosby:When I first met Larry Sanders, he was screwing my cousin. / And I didn't even know that he knew Harvey.

Norm Crosby:He's on that new Hollywood agent diet. You can only eat while you're being eaten.

Norm Crosby:He knows the similarity between eggs Benedict and oral sex. You just... never seem to be able to get 'em at home.

Norm Crosby:Earlier this year, I did the White House Correspondents Dinner, and after the dinner, the president came up to me — we're kinda friends — and he said that he asked who I thought might be good for next year's dinner, and I said, Larry. I recommended Larry, and he said, 'Gee, I don't know.' I remember exactly what the president said. He said, 'Larry Sanders doing his act for a half an hour? I'd rather have Al Gore fuck me in the ass.'

Bruno Kirby:What the fuck am I doing here? I'm an actor. We do 2 different things. Comedians jerk off. I work.

Larry:Isn't he supposed to be talking about me?

Bruno Kirby:And I don't owe you $250, pal. You owe me $250.

Artie · Larry · Artie:The key lime pie is delicious. / This is the worst fucking night of my life. / And that was chocolate cake. / Fuckers!

Jon Stewart:I have to say, it is an honor to be here with Carl Reiner, a legend who can look back on a lifetime of bringing people laughter, as opposed to Larry who's just old.

Jon Stewart:But they say that Larry is self-centered. And I don't think so, honestly, 'cause if Larry could blow himself, well... he wouldn't need Hank, I guess.

Hank:Hey, why don't you speak up? Only the people at your table know you're an asshole.

Jon Stewart · Hank:Oh, my... Hank, is that a heckler's retort? / Leave me alone. / I don't come to your job and knock the dick out of your ass.

Jon Stewart · Hank:Hank, are you on something? / A little bit.

Jon Stewart · Hank:Hank, are you on something? / A little bit.

Artie · Artie:Look at this. Hank's gonna ruin Larry's night. / It'll all turn out fine once Larry sees who the surprise guest is. / Is he backstage? Yes. / I'm wetting myself.

Carl Reiner · Artie · Hank:And I dare say if he called me again... / Hank, we gotta bump ya, buddy. Oh, why? / Well, it's going way over, you know? I'm sorry, sweetie. That's the way it is.

Hank · Artie:No way. No way. I had to sit through their bullshit. / Keep your voice down, will ya? / No, I won't. I mean, you can bump me from the show, but you can't shut me up. / Aw, man. / Fuck... fuck you, Artie. Just... just fuck you, man. / Fuck me? Fuck you. / You'd better calm down right now or I'll take you down.

Hank · Artie:Come on, you pussy. Why don't you do it? Come on. Come on, big man. Go ahead, big man. And don't you push me. Oh, come on, come o... ooh! / Listen. Listen to me right now. You'll either behave yourself, or I'm gonna snap your neck like a butter bean.

Hank · Carl Reiner:Oh, don't hurt me. / That's... that's Hank and... Hank and Artie doing their... their mating dance.

Artie · Hank · Carl Reiner:You'll behave yourself? Yes, yes, yes. / OK. Sit down there. All right. Get down there. Go on. / As you can see, the evening is winding down. Look away, please. Avert your eyes.

Hank:What are you lookin' at?

Carl Reiner · Carrot Top:Ladies and gentlemen, Carrot Top! / No, have a seat. All right. No, stay seated, please. Stay seated.

Carrot Top · Carl Reiner:OK, come on, guys. I thought I had the stuff. Here we go. OK. I brought stuff. I thought you... God, I thought my hair was big. You have a huge head.

Carrot Top:Hey, this is great. It's a plate — ha ha! — it's a plate for bulimics. See, they can eat...

Carrot Top:You know, it's now time to pay tribute to a man who needs no introduction — and definitely not his own TV show, but as you can see, that's too fucking late — please welcome the man of the hour, or as most women know him, the minute man — please welcome Larry Sanders.

Larry:First of all, let me start by saying that everyone I love is here tonight, and... what an honor.