Pain Equals Funny

Larry:I haven't been stared at like that since the last time I had sex.

Artie:When I find Phil, I will introduce his ass to my good friend Mr. Florsheim.

Larry:Hello. I'd shake hands with you, but you were touching Phil's feet.

Phil:A week... and a half.

Larry:it was early conan.

Phil:it's gonna be stale by tomorrow afternoon.

Artie:Yeah, the pussy cult. Whenever I'm getting pussy, I'm not funny.

Artie:Well, you're never funny.

Larry:No one ever died there when it was chasens.

Larry:I don't have a natural curiosity about people.

Larry:I don't even know which one is harriet.

Hank:You'll learn their names within the year.

Hank:I can only derive a limited amount of personal satisfaction from booking the parrot lady.

Hank:The music stopped! The music stopped!

Artie:What music?

Artie:But if they get a prize when they have it, why would anybody throw it away?

Artie:You know Larry only does the jerk-off jokes that he writes.

Phil:she tells me I make her sick.

Phil:These gophers are also suspected of kidnapping farmers and subjecting them to painful medical probes.

Artie:You're wearing my favorite cologne... 'hilarity by Larry Sanders'

Artie:I said it's fine. ...and, by the way, I'm a dead man for telling you...

Larry:O.j. Simpson. He's doin' great. Sensational.

Artie:and in 6 months, I replaced him. You don't have to worry about that. Ha! That's exactly what I said to Bob Sterling.

Artie:pain equals funny.

Larry:Well, I hope our whole staff gets dumped. Maybe we'd win an emmy now and then.

Larry:Better than skinny-dipping with jfk in the white house swimming pool?

Paula:you know how well I react to gestures of sentimentality.

Phil:You've never thanked me before.

Artie:Well, the jokes were never that good before.

Paula:he looks kind of green to me.

Larry:Well, I had a bad piece of fish.

he's gonna look like the cleveland indians' mascot.

Artie:Artie walking out during the lighting discussion

Phil:Here. Catch. Then the audience, in unison, shouts, 'hey, now, Hank, go fuck yourself.'

Paula:Phil writes better and faster when he's unhappy, and we don't have tonight's monologue. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Larry:that was your pick-up phrase in the seventies, wasn't it?

Larry:numbers 17 and 56 hate me and won't take my calls.

Paula:I just can't... what, did I push too hard? Did I do something wrong? Did I not produce the show?

Larry:I'm not a happy man. I know that I hide it pretty well,

Paula:I'm not your type. My breasts are real.

Larry:You know, I could get used to that.

Larry:The cleveland indians' mascot, Chief wahoo.

Artie:Damn it, it was excellent. Except for your tie.

Artie:You shouldn't wear stripes, Sonny. They strobe and make your face look puffy.

Artie:I also got 5 porno channels.

Larry:I'll have a beer.

Artie:but what I didn't tell you is he was an absolute asshole.

Artie:That's what I was when Larry first saw me.

Artie:She said you're a really sweet guy.

Larry:Oh, she's sweet, too.

Larry:We have no monologue.