You're Having My Baby

Larry:That's shelley long.

Writer:You know, I am prepared to publicly allege that Larry fondles my buttocks whenever I go in to pitch jokes.

Other Writer:Million, million and 5, depending upon if you can prove your buttocks is a source of income.

First Writer:Not since college.

Paula:No. Baywatch was renewed.

Larry:Well, thanks for lying through your teeth. I appreciate it.

Larry:His name guy?

Artie:No. He's just a guy.

Larry:I did not sleep with that woman from montana. No? No.

Artie:Just checking.

Hank:Hey, I get some on a nightly basis. I'm still excited about mimi rogers.

Larry:Oh, that would explain the lobster.

Hank:How's that?

Larry:Maine. Lobster.

Hank:I got it. You're working on a bit. I'll play along. Maine lobsters...

Larry:Well, that usually happens on Tuesday mornings, doesn't it? That's why it threw you.

Hank:I once had a woman, and, uh... do we have time for this? I don't think we need to get into the details of this. She followed me across 7 states.

Hank:Her name was Cindy halloran. Cindy halloran from pensacola, thank you very much.

Hank:People are going to think I called her Cindy fuckpot or something. From the philadelphia fuckpots.

Hank:OK, I happened to say the word cum. So what? In front of Jessica tandy. Oh, that crybaby. She's heard all this shit before.

Larry:No, well, you don't become nude. He didn't take his clothes off. You become nude. I've heard that about you. No, I don't become... no. What you're thinking is that I'm very becoming nude.

Larry:Would you like a piece of gum?

Mimi:Oh, just half.

Larry:Do you wanna go out sometime?

Mimi:You don't waste any time.

Larry:Well, they're only on for 3½ minutes, so I thought I'd get right to it.

Hank:Boy, do I have a big surprise for you, Mr. Larry Sanders.

Mary Beth:This is not my cousin. I'm Mary Beth nagler from montana. I'm having Larry's baby.

Larry:Gimme the button.

Hank:Young lady, am I to understand you are blackmailing Mr. Sanders?

Artie:Move another inch toward Larry, and I'll take you down hard.

Larry:Wonderful, Hank. Are you insane?

Hank:Yes, I think I'm insane.

Artie:Is she the only one, or did you run across some muslim extremist who'd like to meet Larry?

Hank:Otherwise, you end up with, what we call in our business a crap column.

Hank:I was, uh, personally abused as a child. No, not sexually. Physically. I was beaten, and I was kicked. You know, that sort of thing. Well, who do you think did it? The other kids, that's who.

Larry:What, you can't get pregnant from saying hello unless you say it to warren beatty.

Artie:Me and Tom snyder... shoving match right there in the thrifty parking lot. You're right. You're right, that didn't happen. Roseanne didn't marry her assistant, either. She gets to make up this stuff. Why the hell can't I?

Hank:I'm on the one-phay.

Hank:Red wine gives me hives.

Hank:I got a special thing for, uh, asian ladies.

Hank:I got a special thing for, uh, asian ladies.

Larry:Normally, you can only see to whitney houston's house, but it must be very clear tonight.

Larry:If that's Kevin costner, make sure that we pretend we were just looking at the moon, OK?

Mary Beth:I loved you in star wars.

Mimi:Oh. I think you're confusing me with Carrie Fisher.

Larry:So did I, by the way.

Lloyd:She says, 'one large birthmark with 2 smaller ones above it at the base of the penis forming a mickey mouse head.'

Larry:That is not my penis.

Artie:Jesus, Larry, she knows all about little mickey.

Larry:No, she was one of the top people in the space program. Yeah, she was a waitress, Artie.

Larry:She gave me a handjob in the parking lot at Denny's.

Artie:There's nothing wrong with a handjob, Larry. In my day, I've had plenty of 'em in far worse places than a parking lot. I remember one time I was visiting St. Patrick's cathedral. It was a Thursday. There weren't many people in the pews in the back.

Artie:There's nothing wrong with a handjob, Larry. In my day, I've had plenty of 'em in far worse places than a parking lot. I remember one time I was visiting St. Patrick's cathedral. It was a Thursday.

I know the television industry has more than its share of pathetic types, but Kingsley has taken the prize.

Larry:I didn't say anything about Denny's. I think you did.

Lloyd:No, I didn't, did I?

Artie:Yeah, yeah. I heard Denny's.

Cindy Halloran:Hank, Cindy halloran from pensacola. I heard you mention me on the show.

Hank:Call security. Call security now.

Larry:why don't I, uh... just come by, and we'll sit in the car, you know, and, uh... talk.

Larry:Larry to Mimi Rogers: 'If that's Kevin Costner, make sure we pretend we were just looking at the moon, OK?'

Hank · Mimi Rogers:Mary Beth appears at Larry's door — and Hank is also there, immediately fanboying over Mimi Rogers: 'Oh, my God. Mimi Rogers? I love you. I loved you in Star Wars.'

Hank · Mimi Rogers · Artie:Mimi Rogers correcting Hank: 'I think you're confusing me with Carrie Fisher.' / Hank: 'You are so great. You know, after I saw that movie, I started doing my hair in Princess Leia buns for months.' / Mimi: 'That's very flattering, thank you.' / Artie: 'So did I, by the way.'

Mimi Rogers · Larry:Mimi Rogers, meeting Mary Beth: 'Well, uh, congratulations, Larry.' — then she leaves

Lloyd (lawyer) · Larry:The lawyer reveals Mary Beth can describe 'distinguishing marks on your genital area': 'one large birthmark with two smaller ones above it at the base of the penis, forming a Mickey Mouse head.'

Larry · Lloyd (lawyer):Larry: 'That is not my penis.' / Lloyd: 'I have to address every piece of information as it comes along.'

Artie:Artie: 'Jesus, Larry, she knows all about little Mickey.'

Larry · Artie:Larry's full confession: He met the Montana woman at a restaurant. She was a waitress. He met her in the parking lot. They sat in his car. 'She gave me a handjob in the parking lot at Denny's.'

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?' / Larry: 'Because I hate myself.'

Larry · Artie:Artie: 'Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?' / Larry: ''Cause I hate myself.'

Artie:Artie: 'There's nothing wrong with a handjob, Larry. In my day, I've had plenty of them in far worse places than a parking lot. I remember one time I was visiting St. Patrick's Cathedral. It was a Thursday. There weren't many people in the pews in the back.'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'That is the difference. You can get a handjob any day of the week. I get one, it ends up in the paper.' / Artie: 'Price of fame, my boy.'

Hank · Artie · Larry:The L.A. Times column about Hank's phone call: Hank 'babbling about hives, Tom Snyder, and a predilection for Asian women' — 'Kingsley has taken the prize' for pathetic types

Artie:Artie: 'Call the L.A. Times and get that punk on the phone.'

Hank:Hank's silent reaction beat upon seeing the column that's about him — assessing whether to put the paper back on Larry's desk or buy a new one

Lloyd (lawyer) · Larry · Artie:'She claims she gave you a handjob in a parking lot.' / Larry: 'That is so pathetic.' (long pause, everyone looks at him) 'Should've slapped her out of town on that one.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Handjob in a parking lot at Denny's.' / Larry: 'I didn't say anything about Denny's.' / Artie: 'I think you did.' / Larry: 'No, I didn't, did I?' / Artie: 'Yeah, yeah. I heard Denny's.'

Hank · Cindy Halloran:Hank's office: Three women waiting — Kim Fugiwa, Jennifer Chen, and 'Cindy Halloran from Pensacola. I heard you mention me on the show.'

Hank:Hank sees Cindy Halloran, says 'You look great!', then immediately to his assistant: 'Call security. Call security now.'

Hank:Hank to the two Asian women in his waiting area: 'Kon'nichi wa.'

Hank:Hank to Mimi Rogers (playing show business host to the end): 'Oh, you were terrific on the show, by the way. We just absolutely loved it, yeah. You've gotta come back again sometime.'

Larry:Larry calls Mimi to try to revive the date: '...that problem has been taken care of. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, I understand, but... All right, look, why don't I, uh... just come by, and we'll sit in the car, you know, and, uh... talk.'

Larry:Larry's final call to Mimi Rogers: '...just come by, and we'll sit in the car, you know, and, uh... talk.'