Montana

Robin Williams:He's wonderful. I mean, he's hung like a field mouse.

Robin Williams:I mean, you pop the diaper and... boing! It's like a little sundial.

Robin Williams:Honey, what time is it? Get the baby. Get the baby. Look! It's 3:00! Oh, it's 2:30 now. It's real cold.

Robin Williams:It is like kryptonite for... for the father. Even the dog looks at me like, 'you don't put his face in it.'

Robin Williams:It's almost like I know that he's growing old because he's, like, he's 8 months and he has his own little credit card called 'fetal express.'

Robin Williams:He's dialing up one of those '976-suckle,' you know? I'm waiting for you. I'm lactating. Call me.

Larry Sanders:I think I like the kryptonite suit. That's actually what it seems like.

Larry Sanders:What is it, is it Japanese?

It is.

Larry Sanders:And what is this?

This is sears, right?

Larry Sanders:Yes, so they're both Japanese.

OK.

Larry:You hear that? That's my whippoorwill, Artie.

Artie:Oh, Larry, it's a magpie. They're scavengers, you know? They feed on road kill, dead meat. You know they carry rabies and lyme disease? You better not take a nap out on your porch. They'll peck your eyes out.

Artie:Still. Every day.

Artie:You're like one of those goddamn creatures out of Greek mythology... half man, half desk.

Larry:Get off the porch, asshole.

Artie:Or we could say you had a drug problem. You had to hide out in montana till you dried out. I tell you, that's the only surefire way I know of avoiding embarrassment.

Larry:That's pathetic. We should save that one for when I really have a drug problem, don't you think?

Larry:I love these fuckers.

Artie:They don't even give you those little towels, those little wet towels. I had to wipe my face with a pack of sweet'n low.

Larry:Man, I can't believe Leno actually hid in the closet so he could hear the whole network meeting. That's a sickness, to be so obsessed with what people are saying about you.

Larry:I know. That is a sickness. What did people say about me not being mentioned much in the book?

Hank:And by pesos I don't mean to imply that someone of hispanic descent is likely to win. Again.

Larry:'Say now'? Say now. Well, he can't say 'hey, now.' That's the intellectual property of the Larry Sanders show.

Hank:You really pulled the rug out from under me, Larry boy.

Hank:You had it on 'passenger window lock.'

Hank:Is this what you call low profile? Two grown men sitting in a car full of smoke? Looks like a goddamn cheech and chong movie.

Larry:A free scratcher ticket?

Hank:They give me respect.

Larry:I know, but I'm trying to keep this very low profile, darlene.

Beverly:But you never fired me.

Larry:I didn't?

Beverly:No. Your business manager gives me a paycheck every week.

Larry:So what have you been up to the last 3 months, Phil?

Phil:Oh, jerking off. See you Monday.

Arthur:I need to hear you promise me that.

Larry:(Larry says nothing)

Hank Kingsley:Oh, God. It's good to know I'll never have to pull another set of balls like that again.

Artie:They should be cut out of here like cancer.

Germain:Larry walked, I put on back-to-back cheers reruns in the spot and they're doing rather well. Better then Leno as a matter of fact.

Artie:If you say you're gonna sue somebody, the least you can do is follow through and sue them.

Germain:Oh, please, don't tell me you and Larry are lovers.

Germain:Something about the dynamic?

Germain:Well, that explains a lot... the mood swings, the attention disorder, the astonishing weight gain.

Artie:He's as clean as Louie Anderson's dinner plate.

Artie:I didn't hear it ring. Oh, it didn't. It's a new system. You see, there's a little flashing light here you can't see from where you're standing.

Germain:Where's the gent's?

Artie:Uh, right out the door, first crapper on the left.

Larry:What'd he mean by astonishing weight gain?

Artie:Never mind that. What about the gay lovers thing?

Artie:¡vamanos! ¡andalay! ¡pronto!

He hasn't changed.

Larry:I had a... ahem... an addiction to painkillers.

Larry:Yeah, she got that because that's how they're wearing it in prison.

Larry:I actually saw a hooker dressed in a barney outfit. It was unbelievable. Now when barney sings, 'you love me, I love you,' it costs you 250 bucks.

Artie:Larry comes out and he tells the people that he was molested as a child. All right? Of course, I mean we have people who call your parents and we tell them we're just making it up.

Bernadette Peters:And every night, I say a prayer, thank the lord, Hank Kingsley's back!

Hank:Thank the lord, Hank Kingsley's back!