Off Camera

Artie:We're an hour away From show 1,457, Not that We keep count.

Artie:You think we've Busted our balls Doing 1,400 shows So Larry can get laid? If mr. Sanders Wanted to fuck talent, He'd have been An agent.

Artie:Put the nursing home group In the upper left corner. That's the studio's Warmest place.

Artie:I can't. I-- i-- I'm married, liz.

Elizabeth Ashley:Oh, how is The little woman? Huh? Your wife?

Artie:What do you think Of a woman Who'd leave her home For three months To photograph zebras Humping?

Elizabeth Ashley:I think that Daddy's lonesome, too.

Elizabeth Ashley:We're leaning On Larry's suits.

Artie:Do I look like I give a shit? Jump on back here, Little big man.

Elizabeth Ashley:Ever since you've Gone on slim-fast, I'm powerless.

Hank:Are you In your thoughts?

Larry:No. I'm just Going over The cue cards.

Larry:No, if you had a bug, I'd say, 'go like this.' Some hair's Sticking up. Oh, o.K. Nothing major.

Artie:No shit. Who's this key chain?

Larry:I've never even seen hearts afire. Now, I'm involved in some Conversation about retooling-- Make a note.

Darlene:If it wasn't for me, This dog would be dead now. Look at this little face. This face Would be dead.

Artie:Yeah, well, that Would be a tragedy. What would his fleas do?

Artie:Look at his neck. He's a flea hotel.

Elizabeth Ashley:I'm a little slow, Brain's broccoli, But, hey, no problem.

Elizabeth Ashley:Because my hands, Like my brains, Left to their Own devices, Get away from me And flap. Southern ladies Always hold something. Also, you never know When you'll get The vapors and faint.

Gene Siskel:Not really.

Gene Siskel:Oh, that Blake edwards movie. What was that? skin deep. You know that Glow-in-the-dark Condom scene?

Gene Siskel:I know you're Basically a TV actor, But surely you know The difference Between a good movie And a bad movie, Having made both problem child 1 and 2.

Gene Siskel:How long ago was that? Five years ago? You remember it pretty well For an actor Who doesn't listen To critics.

Elizabeth Ashley:I mean, listen, I think you are a sugar pop, You are just cute as a button, But I need something Up here to grab ahold of.

Hank:Right. Maybe we could Weld a handle Or something Up there.

Adam Loderman:This fucking maniac Attacked my client. These fucking people From chicago--

Gene Siskel:Hey-- This is all they know-- Punching and fists. Hey, cut the chicago crap. All you people from l.A. Know Is how to validate your parking.

Adam Loderman:It's bad being On the show With him, But then I get assaulted By his fucking dog!

Artie:I don't have A dog.

Did he bite you in the face?

Adam Loderman:No, he got between my legs, I tripped, I hit My face on the table.

Gene Siskel:I bet this shit doesn't even Happen on montel williams.

Artie:If you don't Shut the fuck up, I will kick you In the nuts so hard, Your dentist Will have to Work around them At your next cleaning. Ha! Just kidding.

Larry:I thought It was ritter.

Hank:Uh, no, john ritter Will be batting clean-up. By then the bases Will be loaded.

Gene Siskel:Because Were I dating, I would look In the paper And take a woman To see free willy, And I'd nudge her When he comes heaving Out of the water-- See if she Gets the hint.

Artie:So you'll jerk off With the other hand For a few weeks.

Warren Zevon:Every single show I do, I play it. It's driving me Fucking crazy.

Artie:What about Your first album, french connection? the french inhaler?

Larry:He shut his hand In the door?

Artie:Yes.

Larry:How did that happen?

Artie:He put a hand up on a hinge And closed the door.

Larry:Well, no, it sounded like It was this door right here.

Artie:It was his thumb In the door.

Gene Siskel:You're kidding. No. No. You're not kidding. Hank, stephen rea's Character... The woman he falls In love with. That dark-skinned cutie? Mm-hmm. She turns out To be a man.

Hank:I don't think so.

Gene Siskel:Hank, there's A shot in the film-- The camera pans Down the body, Right below the waist-- Yes? There's a penis.

Hank:I don't think so.

Hank:How was she hung?

Larry:It's been years Since he's seen A movie Without The words 'busty' Or 'stewardess' In the title.

John Ritter:Adam, they Fucking bumped me. Adam!

Adam Loderman:Hey, buddy. Don't you talk to me. We're just trying To give you more time.

John Ritter:Artie. What?

John Ritter:This is the last time I'm ever doing this show! The last time!

Larry:I think I speak for everyone When I say I can't believe We get paid To do this.

Artie:I've never understood Why you read this shit.

Larry:Because it's an article About the show.

Artie:Well, I'm sure it's Excellent publicity.

Larry:This guy says ritter And gene siskel fought. A dog bit phil. You and phil Were wrestling. It says you And elizabeth ashley Were doing God-knows-what In the wardrobe Room.

Artie:They come on a show, it's not Exciting enough for them, They make up this shit.

Artie:Artie to Warren Zevon: 'Can't wait to hear you tickle them ivories, dear boy.'

Artie:After granting the concession, Artie mutters: 'Fucking musicians.'

Gene Siskel:Siskel: 'Maybe I could be Roger. Maybe I could take Roger's place.'

Hank · Larry:Backstage: Hank explains Phil's injury — 'He shut his hand in the door... he put a hand up on a hinge and closed the door.' The story keeps shifting.

Hank · Larry:Hank explains The Crying Game to Larry: 'That dark-skinned cutie?' 'Mm-hmm.' 'She turns out to be a man.' Hank: 'I don't think so.'

Larry · Hank:Larry shows Hank a specific camera shot from The Crying Game: 'The camera pans down the body, right below the waist — there's a penis.' Hank: 'I don't think so.'

Hank · Larry:Hank, post-Crying Game revelation: 'Let me ask you a question. How was she hung?' Larry: 'You know, you've got to excuse Hank. It's been years since he's seen a movie without the words "busty" or "stewardess" in the title.'

Gene Siskel · Larry:Larry goes on-air to intro the next segment; camera cuts back to Gene Siskel, bloody-shirted, telling Larry about The Crying Game: 'Did you see the Crying Game? That is a man.'

Larry · Warren Zevon:Larry: 'Do we have time for another?' — then immediately requests 'Werewolves of London' from Warren Zevon, directly contradicting Artie's deal

John Ritter · Adam Loderman:John Ritter, already battered and bandaged, hears he's been bumped and confronts Artie: 'This is the last time I'm ever doing this show! The last time!'

John Ritter · Robert Brody:Ritter offers to give the Entertainment Weekly journalist an interview in his fury: 'You want an interview? I'll give you one.' — while Artie is trying to keep the journalist away all episode

Larry:Larry on air: 'My apologies to John Ritter. We'll have him on soon.' — his only acknowledgment that Ritter was completely abandoned.

Larry:Larry post-show to Artie: 'Some nights, it just comes off like clockwork. I think I speak for everyone when I say I can't believe we get paid to do this.'

Larry:Larry on-air closing: 'My thanks to all my guests. My apologies to John Ritter. We'll have him on soon, and good night.'

Artie:Artie tells Larry that Ritter is 'happy as a clam' — immediately post-disaster

Larry · Artie:Entertainment Weekly article describes the night: 'ritter and gene siskel fought. A dog bit phil. You and phil were wrestling. It says you and elizabeth ashley were doing god-knows-what in the wardrobe room.'