Larry's Partner

Air force major general Harold campbell:described president clinton as gay-loving, pot-smoking, and womanizing.

Clinton:Well, at least I'm fun to be with.

Larry:Pepsi is attempting to control the damage caused by recent tampering by switching to a brand-new slogan, which is 'diet pepsi-- even with a syringe, it's just one calorie.'

Artie:She wasn't wearing underwear, was she? Ha ha! That shook you up, didn't it? You were very funny.

Larry:Damn right, it shook me up. I stunk the rest of the show.

Larry:I did 12 jokes. I laughed at all 12. Well, that means she didn't laugh 9 times.

Larry:A once-talented nobody who obviously wants something from someone.

Artie:You want me to kick his parasitic ass into the street?

Larry:What is your problem?

Artie:Sorry.

Larry:That's right. I forgot. You used to be a bouncer.

Larry:Jeez, not a day goes by we don't think, 'Hey-- what-- where's Stan?'

Stan:Turn around, let me see the ass.

Larry:No.

Stan:No. Let me see the-- come on, let me see the ass.

Stan:I was jerking off the other day. Steam came out.

Stan:It's a check for $127 that I owe you.

Larry:For what?

Stan:1978, baltimore Holiday inn. You were sleeping. I took $127 out of your pocket.

Larry:What did you need the money for?

Stan:I don't know. Coke, hookers--something. At least it didn't go to waste.

Larry:Hey, listen, I just feel bad for that maid I had fired. That's right, it was coke.

Stan:I was balling that maid-- And oh, don't worry about her, man. She had the time of her life.

Larry:No wonder our room was never cleaned on time.

Hank:Hey, now.

Larry:Well, now, that sounded like you had Tourette's syndrome.

Hank:You're right, it was a little too forced, huh?

Hank:I still listen to the I'm Larry, he's Stan album ever couple of months.

Really?

Hank:Well, no. Actually, I lied. My record player broke during the riots.

Hank:Hey, the old partner meets the new partner.

Larry:The ex-partner.

Artie:Who are we trying to avoid?

Artie · Hank:Artie: 'Hey, the old partner meets the new partner.' / Hank: 'The ex-partner.'

Larry:I'd probably temp.

Larry:I'm tired of holding this whole conversation. Would you please say something?

Larry:I just feel so fucking guilty.

Larry:We only use two rooms.

Stan:They're not all ours. I noticed. It's like the shining. I think I saw scatman crothers in your kitchen burning toast.

Artie:Temp worker, my ass. He's a stone hustler.

Artie:You've just stepped in a huge pile of shit named Stan Paxton. You're tracking it all over my office.

Larry:It's your show, it's my office!

Artie:No. It's your show, It's my office!

Larry:It's your show, it's my office!

Stan:I got into this mainly to get laid. I think that's what basically bothered Larry was that I was getting laid all the time.

Stan:Just get me the newspapers, capisce?

Stan:Yeah, the one about the comic who comes to town, fucks the princess.

Larry:The water here in los angeles is so bad, the lead content is so high, that it was announced today a baby was born in los angeles hospital who weighed 7,000 pounds.

Artie:He should give the crowd a fucking receipt.

Stan:Who do I blow around here to get my jokes on?

Larry:Me.

Artie:Me.

Artie:Drinking during the monologue at my fucking monitor. You're kidding. Are you positive? I could smell it in his coffee-- some kind of cheap, domestic plain-wrapped vodka.

Larry:That's for weekends. I'll talk to stan. I got to piss. I've got to go alone. I've got to clear my head, all right?

Artie:I'll just hang here by the door like some crapper gargoyle.

You're in a bathroom. You smell disinfectant and urine.

Stan:What is this, your office, fonzie?

Larry:There's nothing I like better after a big meal than spinning around till I puke.

Hank:Larry is going to be an honorary silent partner. You think you can handle it?

Stan:One what?

Hank:Uh, table.

Stan:Hank, that'd be like me asking you to say 'hey, now.'

Hank:Ok. Hey, now.

Artie:Maybe if you'd told him that back then, they maybe today Stan would be Hank.

Larry:That's horrible thing to say. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Artie:Fucking crime to-- you don't ruin a beautiful piece of meat.

Stan:You owe me this one, Larry. Come on. You know that. You owe me this one.

Stan:I was down in bakersfield. Is that strange or what? I mean, it's such a boring, boring place. I mean, once you've masturbated, you've pretty much shot the day.

Stan:David koresh--the guy down at waco, texas-- it turns out he was obsessed with madonna. I guess that guy was off his rocker after all.

Artie:Well, my guess it that tape did come out of his ass.

Phil:He almost made abortion funny.

Jerry:That's all he did was five minutes.

Artie:It's about five minutes too long.

Larry:Like who?

Artie:Gallagher. We haven't had gallagher on, but there's a perfect example.

Artie · Larry · Beverly:Artie about the steaks: 'Fucking crime to — you don't ruin a beautiful piece of meat.' / Then: 'Artie, I'm firing Stan tomorrow.' / Artie: 'Good. Giving a guy like that everything he wants is not helping him.' / Larry: 'I don't give him everything he wants.' / Beverly (off): 'Where is the beer?'

Stan:I've gone onstage like this 100 times.

Larry:Yeah, I remember. I remember you tripping over the mike stand, insulting people in the audience, and just generally sucking.

Stan:I've gone onstage like this 100 times. You remember.

Larry:Yeah, I remember. I remember you tripping over the mike stand, insulting people in the audience, and just generally sucking.

Larry:Because you're fucking drunk, stan. The same way you were 15 years ago. That's why I left.

Larry:Is he, uh...

Artie:No, he even bungled that. He missed.

Artie:They found him in his car.

Larry:What do you mean, they found him?

Artie:He was shot.

Artie:He shot off the top of his left ear. My god, my god, my god. Stan killed himself. He didn't kill himself. He just fucked up his left ear.

Artie:And he had a shotgun. He put a shotgun in his mouth and he pulled the trigger. Why would anybody do anything like that?

Hank:Bullshit! It was his ear.

Artie:This is a horrible trick. He's talking to him, Hank. Maybe yes, maybe no.

Beverly:Don't you have to be working longer than three days to qualify for the health plan?

Larry:I don't know.

Beverly:Artie!

Artie:No health plan!

Larry:Larry: 'We haven't had Gallagher on, but there's a perfect example.' — as an example of 'worse comics than this'

Larry · Artie:Larry: 'Fuck it. Let's put him on.' / Then: 'All right.' / Then: 'We can't put him on.' / Artie: 'Damn right we can't.'

Stan:[Sound of bottle clattering] — Stan is discovered with alcohol in his dressing room before going on

Stan:[A bottle clatters offscreen; Stan is found clearly drunk in his dressing room]

Larry · Stan:Larry: 'I remember you tripping over the mike stand, insulting people in the audience, and just generally sucking.' / Stan: 'We can go back and forth on this all night.'

Artie · Larry:Artie: 'Is he, uh...' / Larry: 'No, he even bungled that. He missed. He shot off the top of his left ear.' / [Snickers]

Hank · Artie · Larry:Hank's competing versions: ear vs. shotgun — 'I have friends at Memorial Hospital. He put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.' / Artie: 'Bullshit! It was his ear.' / Hank: 'What friends?'

Hank:Hank: 'I don't think so.' — repeated twice, insisting Stan cannot be on the phone because he just shot himself

Larry · Stan:Larry on the phone with Stan: 'Well, I guess you could fax them right here.' / Stan apparently wants to fax jokes from the hospital

Larry · Artie · Stan:Stan asks about health insurance. Larry asks Artie. Artie shouts: 'No health plan!' [Door slams.] / Larry: 'Uh, stan, I guess there's some procedure.'