Broadcast Nudes

Larry:Yeah. We've All seen her.

Larry:Hey is all you need.

You have A little hair there Coming down.

Hank:In my bedroom In a box next to my bed, I have every tape Of every playboy after dark Ever made.

Hank:That would be a hoot to Be invited to one of those.

Larry:Jesus, did you see how Hank Was all over hefner? He did everything But hump his leg.

Artie:You must have Looked away.

Artie:You could Stand on the roof And watch Angie dickinson Sunbathe.

Artie:This is A mediterranean ficus. It's a very classy plant. Look perfect By your fireplace.

Larry:Think so?

Artie:Yes. No.

After many years Of trying, Hank Kingsley is going To appear in playboy.

Hank:Actually, it's not The interview. It's a feature about women Who work in television.

But, Hank, You're a man.

Hank:Right, But you're a woman.

Hank:I-i didn't ask, But I would assume, yeah.

Your dad's Passed away, right?

Hank:We think so. We're not sure. He left when I was 7.

Artie:No bush.

Francine:Well, you asking me To move in with you?

Larry:[Laughs] Yes, in my own 'I can't believe I did it That way myself' way. Yes, I am. I guess.

Francine:That's a head Carved out of rock. This looks like The junior suite In the four seasons.

Larry:Thank you. Jeannie and I met there.

Artie:In the crapper.

Phil:You know, the more I hear about this, It sounds to me Like there's Little difference Between Hank And the amazing clifford. Clifford probably Dresses better.

They were on her desk In a big envelope With a playboy Bunny on it.

We just thought It was a new issue.

Artie · Larry:Larry defends his house as tasteful; Artie looks around and says: 'What is this? That's a head carved out of rock. This looks like the junior suite in the Four Seasons.'

Hank:We're not talking about hustler or penthouse Or swank or juggs Or screw!

Artie:Shouting out the names Of some of this country's Finest men's publications Outside the ladies' crapper Is not low profile.

Darlene:If you think It's so great, Show everyone your tits.

Hank:I'll look like Harvey korman.

Artie:Just Larry and me In a decorating magazine? People might get The wrong idea. I would.

Larry:You're gonna be disappointed. You'll see.

Artie:Standing Next to Hank, You'll come off Like carl sagan.

Artie:I've got a face That cracks mirrors. That's why I'm a producer.

Hank:That magazine Was built on ideas Like 'the sidekick's Sidekick,' And it is not A circa 1975 idea. It is money In the bank, frank!

Darlene:You see, it's very Hard to pose nude And wear a t-shirt At the same time. In fact, It's downright Impossible.

Artie:Oh, I'm sorry, Hank. It's america's loss.

Photographer:Might be fun to get you And Hank on the couch.

Artie:This is fucking Bad timing That darlene's Article came out The same day As yours.

Darlene:I wore the Hank's look Around cafe t-shirt In the main shot. It's a little ripped, But you can still read it.

Hank:There was a small grease fire At the site last night. No, no. It's only Going to push us back About, oh, 10 months.

Hank:Those fuckers. Fuckers!

Artie:Artie, being slowly drawn into the Architectural Digest photo argument, imagines the shot: 'Wouldn't a picture of me and her look really nice? With your arm around your lady with a big bouquet of baby's breath behind you.' Then snaps back: 'Whoa, horsie, whoa. You got me sucked in for a second.'

Artie · Larry:Artie exits: 'Brad Pitt's in the green room. I'm going to see if he's as cute as everybody says.' Larry: 'You're gonna be disappointed.'

Artie · Larry Sanders:'Brad Pitt's in the green room. I'm going to see if he's as cute as everybody says.' / Larry: 'You're gonna be disappointed. You'll see.'

Artie:Artie to Darlene about standing next to Hank: 'Standing next to Hank, you'll come off like Carl Sagan.'

Artie:Artie: 'I've never told many people this, but I knew Marilyn Monroe. We were friends.' Then: 'She was very self-conscious till she learned how to use her beauty as an asset.'

Artie:Artie's self-description: 'I've got a face that cracks mirrors. That's why I'm a producer.'

Artie:Artie's final pep talk note: 'If you're going to do this, do it for yourself and no one else. Especially not for fucking Hank.'

Darlene · Hank:Darlene: 'They hated my test shots, didn't they?' Hank: 'Oh, those fuckers! Those fuckers! Bunch of sleazebags, every one of them.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank: 'What did they say about me?' Darlene: 'About you? Oh, they loved you. They want to know if you're interested in doing a... pictorial alone.'

Darlene:Darlene: 'I am interested, Hank. I'll do it for me, not for you. But for me, I want to do it.'

Hank:Hank's response to Darlene saying she'll pose alone: 'Ok. Here's what we'll do. Uh, you'll call them and say to them, Look, I am not going to do a pictorial unless Hank Kingsley is part of it.'

Hank:Hank's real reason for needing publicity: 'My restaurant's opening in less than two months... If I don't get publicity, you know who'll be at the gala opening? You, me, the creditors, and that's it.'

Hank · Darlene:Hank's solution: 'I could wear a Hank's Look Around Café T-shirt.' Darlene: 'You see, it's very hard to pose nude and wear a T-shirt at the same time. In fact, it's downright impossible.'

Hank:Hank: 'Great. I've become pissy.' — said with resignation about his own mood shift.

Hank · Artie:Hank: 'Artie, they cut me out, those cocksuckers.' Artie laughs: 'Oh, I'm sorry, Hank. It's America's loss.'

Hank:Hank desperately trying to get Artie to be in the Architectural Digest photo: 'Come on, it's just one little picture. What difference does it make?'

Artie:Artie's reaction to the idea of appearing in Architectural Digest with Larry: 'Just Larry and me in a decorating magazine? People might get the wrong idea. I would.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders · Francine:Larry's girlfriend is now in the photo: Artie directing the photographer — 'Max, with this lighting, I'd use an f-8 stop.' Then Hank arrives uninvited and is immediately invited into the shot over Larry's objections.

Larry · Artie · Hank:Artie to Larry about Hank: 'Might be fun to get you and Hank on the couch.' / Larry: 'I don't want him in the picture.' / Multiple voices: 'Come on, Larry... the more the merrier.' / Larry: 'I don't want him in—' / 'It's just a little picture.'

Photographer:Photographer's direction: 'Ok, everybody. Say, Hey, now.'

Darlene:'Love, Darlene.' — the caption/dedication under the photo, presumably on a signed copy.

Artie:Larry and Artie react to the Architectural Digest feature: 'This is fucking bad timing that Darlene's article came out the same day as yours. Otherwise, everyone would be bent over your desk instead of Darlene's.'

Larry:Larry about the Architectural Digest issue: 'It's nothing special. You see one, you've seen them all. But how many houses do you see like this?'

Larry:Larry looking at Darlene's Playboy: 'These lilies on the coffee table — that's a sexy touch.'

Larry:Larry: 'I didn't even know she owned a motorcycle.' — reacting to something in the Playboy spread.

Artie:Artie: 'I've already signed yours.' — implying he already autographed Larry's Architectural Digest copy, unsolicited.

Darlene:Darlene tells Hank: 'I wore the Hank's Look Around Café T-shirt in the main shot. It's a little ripped, but you can still read it.'

Darlene · Hank Kingsley:Darlene informs Hank casually: 'I guess you didn't hear there was a small grease fire at the site last night. No, no. It's only going to push us back about, oh, 10 months.'

Hank:Hank, responding to the restaurant T-shirt news, then delivers: 'Very nice.' — and then immediately: 'I guess you didn't hear there was a small grease fire at the site last night. No, no. It's only going to push us back about, oh, 10 months.'

Hank · Artie:Hank sees the Architectural Digest issue and shouts 'Those fuckers! Fuckers!' while Artie calls from off: 'Low profile, Hank!' and Hank continues: 'Bunch of fuckers!'