Larry's Birthday

Unknown singer:♪ Happy birthday, Mr. President ♪

Unknown singer:Mr. President? Should I say 'Larry'?

Unknown singer:Has anyone else done this idea yet?

Larry:Only jojo in the commissary.

Larry:Easy.

Uh, the insurance people wanted a visual inventory of the office property.

Nobody's even thinking about your birthday, Larry.

Hank:For a 55-year-old guy, you look a little heavy.

Ouch.

Larry:You sounded almost sincere.

Hank:Well, you can't fake feelings like that.

That wasn't bad. It sucked, man.

Jerry:He spent the whole time kissing Joel Grey's ass.

What finally convinced him, the quality of our riots?

Artie:As usual, I'd like to see more of that humor on the page.

Phil:A shetland pony?

Hank:It looks like something Sammy Davis Jr. would have worn.

Jerry:I thought we were going to get him gag gifts this year.

Jerry:I bought Larry plastic vomit.

Mike:I'm pretty sure I parked in Nitro's space. He'll probably just pick the car up and move it.

Phil:I'm sure one will be opening up very soon.

Phil:Larry could hardly even look at me. It wasn't my imagination?

Artie:Louis XIII is much more than cognac... After four sips, he fell asleep at the Christmas party. Exactly. That's what Larry likes to do.

Delivery guy:Including a $5.00 rush delivery, it's $32.12...

Artie:There's been a mistake. I ordered Louis XIII.

Artie:It's like hot piss.

They gave Julio Gallo a very nice funeral. The only problem was when it was time to close the casket, nobody could find the cork.

Artie:You have fucked at least three interns that I know about, one right out there behind the fucking desk.

Artie:You have to be a genius to get away with that kind of stuff. You're not getting away with it, jer.

Artie:Don't sweat it, kiddo. It's a good deal. You're getting fired. They have to pay you for a month.

Hank:I just fell in love with this beauty, so I treated myself because I deserve it.

The network owns the company that makes those. The cost to them is nothing.

Hank:He said, 'Clint, do you know Hank?' And do you know what that simple gesture did? It just made my day.

Jerry:Some guy offered to blow me for three bucks. What'd you do? I gave the guy three bucks. He looked like he could use it.

But what did he do, jerry?

Larry:Ok, so I'm a little slow, all right? But what I'm saying is, have you made the video yet?

Sugar Ray Leonard:Don't get me angry.

Larry:This conversation is not unlike what it must be to fight you, 'cause you feel like... You're surprising me, and I'm not that-- I'm doing the best I can.

Those are sissy shoes.

Artie:Knock that shit off, you guys.

Sorry, Artie.

Artie:Listen, I picked that fucking goddamn tie out myself.

Party guests:Surprise!

Larry:Beverly, didn't I ask you--

Beverly:I know. But I surprised you, didn't I?

Hank:This is $1,100 a bottle. $75 a shot. And this is the last bottle in the western U.S.

Artie:You're goddamn right it is.

Darlene:Because I know that you love-- gadgets. Math.

Larry:I love math. And gadgets. Math and gadgets.

Larry:Oh, I feel like Levar Burton in Roots: The Next Generation.

Hank:Yeah, Artie and I both pitched in on the cognac.

Larry:No, uh-- So you both pitched in?

Hank:Uh, yeah, Larry, I hope I made it clear that the cognac is from both Arthur and myself.

Larry:So you both pitched in?

Hank:No, uh--

Jerry:That's my gift to Larry.

Larry:Hey, thanks.

Jerry:Could you blow out the candles?

Larry:The cake is heavy.

Francine:Oh, my god. Who threw up? What is that?

Hank:That's my gift to Larry.

Jerry:Well, fuck you, ok? Because a, I know I've been fired. And b, if you think I wanna celebrate that fact with you fucks, you're out of your fucking mind.

Jerry:Larry, is this your little way of letting me know that I've been fired? Well, fuck you, ok? Because a, I know I've been fired. Artie told me. And b, if you think I wanna celebrate that fact with you fucks, you're out of your fucking mind, ok?

Larry:This is the best party I've ever had.

Phil:I was gonna give him a Mickey Mantle one! I got it in the car! I already got him a Mickey Mantle one!

Phil:I was gonna give him a Mickey Mantle one! I got it in the car! I already got him a Mickey Mantle one!

Jerry:I remember right before I gave up stand-up, I was at Catch a Rising Star, and I was bombing horribly. And there was one guy in the back that was laughing, and it was you.

Jerry:Happy birthday, asshole.

Larry Sanders:The VR headset: 'Oh, I feel like LeVar Burton in Roots: The Next Generation.'

Larry · Darlene:Larry receives a calculator from Darlene: 'Because I know that you love— gadgets. Math. I love math. And gadgets. Math and gadgets.'

Hank Kingsley:Hank's second attempt to claim credit for the cognac: 'Yeah, Artie and I both pitched in on the cognac. I just wanna make that real clear.'

Francine · Jerry:Francine arrives, and the plastic vomit is revealed as someone's gift — 'Oh my god. Who threw up? What is that?' / 'That's my gift to Larry.'

Jerry:Jerry's birthday party eruption: 'And b, if you think I wanna celebrate that fact with you fucks, you're out of your fucking mind, ok? Get the fuck outta here! Because I have just enough integrity left to get the hell outta here... So you can just take your little cake and you can shove it right up your fucking ass! Put it in your ear!'

Larry Sanders:Larry: 'This is the best party I've ever had.' (immediately after Jerry's meltdown)

Jerry · Larry Sanders:Jerry's post-meltdown calm: 'I feel very calm, all right? I'm letting go. I feel, uh... I feel at peace for the first time in my life. I'd like to kiss you, man.'

Artie · Jerry:Artie: 'I'm watching you, Jerry.' — repeated twice as Jerry tries to hug people

Mike Patterson · Phil · Darlene:Mike Patterson gives Larry a Hank Aaron baseball — 'I got you a baseball. It's autographed by Hank Aaron right there.' — triggering chaos over the Mickey Mantle one

Darlene · Larry:Darlene starts crying after the baseball confrontation. 'Someone scared Darlene.' 'Darlene, please.' 'She got upset.'

Hank Kingsley:Hank's birthday tribute video (final version): 'Oh, big star. And Clint comes out. He sits down. Doesn't shake my hand. Oh, no.' — now with 'big, big star' corrected, delivered to camera in formal surroundings

Unknown Writer:Unknown tribute writer: 'I remember right before I gave up stand-up, I was at Catch a Rising Star and I was bombing horribly. And there was one guy in the back that was laughing — and it was you.'

Larry · Artie:Larry, watching Jerry leave through the parking lot window: 'I'm better than this. I gotta talk to him.' Artie: 'Let him make a clean break.'

Jerry:'Happy birthday, asshole.' [Rock thuds]

Unknown Tribute Giver:Larry's 43rd birthday video wish: '...here's to 43 great more years. You take care of yourself.' [Happy Birthday plays]