Larry's Birthday

Unknown singer:♪ Happy birthday, Mr. President ♪

Unknown singer:Mr. President? Should I say 'Larry'?

Unknown singer:Has anyone else done this idea yet?

Larry:Only jojo in the commissary.

Larry:Easy.

Uh, the insurance people wanted a visual inventory of the office property.

Nobody's even thinking about your birthday, Larry.

Hank:For a 55-year-old guy, you look a little heavy.

Ouch.

Larry:You sounded almost sincere.

Hank:Well, you can't fake feelings like that.

That wasn't bad. It sucked, man.

Jerry:He spent the whole time kissing Joel Grey's ass.

What finally convinced him, the quality of our riots?

Artie:As usual, I'd like to see more of that humor on the page.

Phil:A shetland pony?

Hank:It looks like something Sammy Davis Jr. would have worn.

Jerry:I thought we were going to get him gag gifts this year.

Jerry:I bought Larry plastic vomit.

Mike:I'm pretty sure I parked in Nitro's space. He'll probably just pick the car up and move it.

Phil:I'm sure one will be opening up very soon.

Phil:Larry could hardly even look at me. It wasn't my imagination?

Artie:Louis XIII is much more than cognac... After four sips, he fell asleep at the Christmas party. Exactly. That's what Larry likes to do.

Delivery guy:Including a $5.00 rush delivery, it's $32.12...

Artie:There's been a mistake. I ordered Louis XIII.

Artie:It's like hot piss.

They gave Julio Gallo a very nice funeral. The only problem was when it was time to close the casket, nobody could find the cork.

Artie:You have fucked at least three interns that I know about, one right out there behind the fucking desk.

Artie:You have to be a genius to get away with that kind of stuff. You're not getting away with it, jer.

Artie:Don't sweat it, kiddo. It's a good deal. You're getting fired. They have to pay you for a month.

Hank:I just fell in love with this beauty, so I treated myself because I deserve it.

The network owns the company that makes those. The cost to them is nothing.

Hank:He said, 'Clint, do you know Hank?' And do you know what that simple gesture did? It just made my day.

Jerry:Some guy offered to blow me for three bucks. What'd you do? I gave the guy three bucks. He looked like he could use it.

But what did he do, jerry?

Larry:Ok, so I'm a little slow, all right? But what I'm saying is, have you made the video yet?

Sugar Ray Leonard:Don't get me angry.

Larry:This conversation is not unlike what it must be to fight you, 'cause you feel like... You're surprising me, and I'm not that-- I'm doing the best I can.

Those are sissy shoes.

Artie:Knock that shit off, you guys.

Sorry, Artie.

Artie:Listen, I picked that fucking goddamn tie out myself.

Party guests:Surprise!

Larry:Beverly, didn't I ask you--

Beverly:I know. But I surprised you, didn't I?

Hank:This is $1,100 a bottle. $75 a shot. And this is the last bottle in the western U.S.

Artie:You're goddamn right it is.

Darlene:Because I know that you love-- gadgets. Math.

Larry:I love math. And gadgets. Math and gadgets.

Larry:Oh, I feel like Levar Burton in Roots: The Next Generation.

Hank:Yeah, Artie and I both pitched in on the cognac.

Larry:No, uh-- So you both pitched in?

Hank:Uh, yeah, Larry, I hope I made it clear that the cognac is from both Arthur and myself.

Larry:So you both pitched in?

Hank:No, uh--

Jerry:That's my gift to Larry.

Larry:Hey, thanks.

Jerry:Could you blow out the candles?

Larry:The cake is heavy.

Francine:Oh, my god. Who threw up? What is that?

Hank:That's my gift to Larry.

Jerry:Well, fuck you, ok? Because a, I know I've been fired. And b, if you think I wanna celebrate that fact with you fucks, you're out of your fucking mind.

Jerry:Larry, is this your little way of letting me know that I've been fired? Well, fuck you, ok? Because a, I know I've been fired. Artie told me. And b, if you think I wanna celebrate that fact with you fucks, you're out of your fucking mind, ok?

Larry:This is the best party I've ever had.

Phil:I was gonna give him a Mickey Mantle one! I got it in the car! I already got him a Mickey Mantle one!

Phil:I was gonna give him a Mickey Mantle one! I got it in the car! I already got him a Mickey Mantle one!

Jerry:I remember right before I gave up stand-up, I was at Catch a Rising Star, and I was bombing horribly. And there was one guy in the back that was laughing, and it was you.

Jerry:Happy birthday, asshole.