Arthur's Crises

Larry:That's something my ex-wife used to tell me.

Beverly:Artie go out to lunch?

Larry:He never goes out to lunch.

Beverly:When I get stressed out, I retain water. Every year before the emmys, I puff up like a fucking blowfish.

Beverly:Beverly's frantic fan-girl meltdown over Clint Black

Artie:I have to give you a check for the coffee table and the lamp.

Donna:No, sir. I intend to make you work for what you owe.

Larry:What are you doing? Now we don't have a lookout. Now, if he comes in, he's gonna see... his calendar.

Larry:Where is Artie?! Would you keep it down?

Hank:You have to speak up, Larry! I can't hear ya!

Larry:First, she steals Snyder. Now she's trying to steal Artie. Fuckers!

Hank:August, I think!

Darlene:Darlene volunteering to sing with Clint Black

Artie:It's great to find some places never change... except for John, the chef. He's dead.

Artie:We split it.

Larry:Yeah, well, good. Fascinating.

Artie:So we're screwing each other silly. Is that what you want to know about?

Artie:Ever since I pissed in Larry Tisch's pool on labor day, I've been persona non grata at black rock.

Larry:You cbs whore.

Larry:Well, no, not if you're riding fence.

Hank:They'll cut you like a ripe tomato, OK?

Listen, no matter what they tell you, no matter what Larry tells you, they'll cut you like a ripe tomato, OK?

Larry:You must be one hell of a lay.

Artie:I'm also a good cook, and I mix a stiff drink. Every last one of my wives said they would have divorced me years before, but they just couldn't face life without my herbs and spices.

Artie:I'm lying for love.

Larry:You didn't just say tough titty, did you?

Artie:Tough titty!

Artie:Tough titty!

Larry:You didn't just say tough titty, did you?

Artie:Tough titty!

Artie:I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a lonely old geezer wondering whether your melon got chopped up or whether I told you that your ass isn't fat.

Larry:My ass is fine. My ass is great. I never felt better about my ass.

Artie:Then maybe you and your fat ass can go fuck yourselves.

Wardrobe:Here's your fucking suit.

Larry:Where are the pants?

Wardrobe:They're letting them out in the butt.

Larry:You mean the crotch?

Larry:You're the happiest we've ever had on the show.

Clint Black:You just need to find your Lisa.

Larry:I think you're my Lisa, and I think I'm yours.

Artie:Oh, jeez! What the fuck!

Kris Kristofferson · Staffer:Kris Kristofferson walks in looking for his pages for tomorrow's sketch, and the staffer gushes that Larry said he's doing 3 songs. Kristofferson: 'Yeah, I think Larry said I'm doing 3 songs.' / Wow! That's great!

Hank · Kris Kristofferson:Hey, I was hearing what you were saying about the 3 songs. Listen, no matter what they tell you, no matter what Larry tells you, they'll cut you like a ripe tomato, OK?

Larry · Artie:I thought I was persona non grata. / Is that right? She offered you the Tom Snyder job. / Yeah. Uh-huh, wow. / You must be one hell of a lay. / I'm also a good cook, and I mix a stiff drink.

Artie:You know, every last one of my wives said they would have divorced me years before, but they just couldn't face life without my herbs and spices.

Artie · Larry:OK, you and I know I'm not considering it, so calm down. / Well, then what are you doing? Are you lying? / I'm lying for love.

Artie · Larry:I'm lying for love. / You're lying for love. / Ohh, I think that's one of the Clint Black songs he's doing tonight. / Well, if it is, it's the only one he'll be singing.

Artie:Well, if it is, it's the only one he'll be singing. I cleaned up that mess. What's the matter with you? 3 songs?

Larry · Artie:Why don't you just say no? Be done with it for the good of the show. / Hey, buddy. This is my personal area, and you're pushing me. / Now, listen, I just received an offer. Like you do, I'm considering it, and if you can't live with that, Sonny boy... tough titty.

Larry · Artie:You didn't just say 'tough titty,' did you? / Tough titty!

Larry:You know what I think? I think you're having a little problem. I think you're afraid that if you say no, she'll dump you.

Artie · Larry:Aw, that's a crock of horseshit. / I think you're afraid. / Yeah, I'm afraid. / I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a lonely old geezer wondering whether your melon got chopped up or whether I told you that your ass isn't fat. / Too late. / Not for me, buddy. / My ass is fine. My ass is great. I never felt better about my ass.

Artie · Larry:Then maybe you and your fat ass can go fuck yourselves. / Thank you. I was just waiting for a go-ahead. / Go right ahead. Thank you. / Don't wait for me. / I will not wait for you.

Larry · Donna Lasner:Hello. / If it means anything to you, Donna, I'm honestly very, very fond of you. / Oh! / I'm not going to stand in the hallway while you try to steal my producer 2 minutes before a show...

Donna:Oh, cut the crap, Larry! I'm not taking the job! And I was just leaving.

Artie:Oh, cut the crap, Larry! I'm not taking the job! And I was just leaving.

Artie:Here's your fucking suit.

Larry · Wardrobe Person · Artie:Where are the pants? / They're letting them out in the butt. / You mean the crotch?

Darlene:If you made this decision because you think I can't sing, then you're wrong because I can sing. I can. / ♪ Easier said than done ♪

Clint Black:That's... great.

Clint Black:That's... great.

Larry · Clint Black:Hey. Hey, buddy. Come here! / I just want to say good night and, uh, thank you. / Oh, yeah. You're watching me even after the show. I, uh, I don't know if that's a compliment or just, uh, sad. / Heh, probably both.

Clint Black · Larry:Well, uh, you know, I got married, and, uh, my wife, you know, brought balance to my life, and, uh, smoothed out all the bumps, you know. You just need to find your Lisa.

Larry · Artie:Ohhh. / Fuckin' beautiful. Have a drink.

Larry · Artie:I just started to realize something that's a little scary. / Yeah. Try me. / I think you're my Lisa, and I think I'm yours. / Oh, jeez! What the fuck!

Larry Sanders · Artie:I'll tell ya something. I just started to realize something that's a little scary. / Yeah. Try me. / I think you're my Lisa, and I think I'm yours. / Oh, jeez! What the fuck!