End of the Season

Artie:We got an hour and 23 minutes till showtime, which explains the bad timing of your jokes.

Beverly:I hope Larry's back doesn't fall off. Because then, what would hold up his ass?

Hank:Well, if Larry's not going to rehearse, I don't think I should be forced to rehearse.

Larry:Doctor, I'm in terrible pain. I need something strong.

Doctor:How bad is the pain on a scale of 1 to 10?

Larry:It's a 15.

Doctor:That's higher than 10. I can prescribe you 10 pills.

Larry:10 pills? That won't be enough. The pain is actually a 20.

Doctor:A 20? Then I'll prescribe you 20 pills.

Larry:That's funny. You should have your own talk show.

Beverly:You're up to 3 of those now?

Larry:That is the recommended dosage.

Beverly:Yeah, for a 1,500-pound man.

Larry:Oh, well, I've never been so insulted in my life.

Larry:They already filled it up 5 times, so obviously they're lying

Larry:Clinton's right. The health care system in this country is just all fucked.

Artie:I told props that I needed a flammable animal.

Artie:Larry, right on time as usual.

Larry:Alex Trebek? Alex Trebek. No. I'm just saying...

Larry:Maybe it's mama bear.

Larry:Talentless fat fuck.

Larry:I'm going to do the show in my car where the seats are adjusted properly.

Artie:What a delightful bride of Christ you make, Roseanne.

Roseanne:This place looks like the stock room at Upjohn.

Artie:These are placebos. Part of that modified rationing program I told you about.

Artie:He told me root canal. OK, so I'm not an expert in periodontics. Are you?

Bottle of Pernacet half-empty. Or half-full, depending on how you look at it.

Larry:Who do you think I am, huh? Patty Hearst?

Artie:Fox will make a TV movie about you before the end of the year.

Martin Mull. Threatens Larry. Mike Myers. Threatens Larry. Tony Danza. Threatens Larry. Pat Sajak.

Beverly:They made me book him 'cause he's the only one who doesn't threaten Larry.

Artie:What's rule number 2, filling his prescriptions as soon as possible?

Hank:'Talentless fat fuck,' right? I catch onto things quickly. Yes. Very hurtful. Not entirely accurate. I've lost upwards of 14 pounds.

Artie:Oh, so... so 'talentless fuck' would have been more appropriate.

Hank:You skinny little shit.

Artie:A bad case of Pat Sajakitis. We're all giddy with it, my boy.

Artie:When did Sajak get so fucking funny?

Artie:No. I have absolutely no idea. I see.

Larry:So your show's still in the top 10, huh?

Artie:Well, yeah.

Larry:Until they run that Frasier guy against us.

Larry:You don't think Frasier's that good, do you?

Beverly:That's French for get 'em while they're hot!

Roseanne:It's like a wine cellar with handles.

Larry:You forced me to talk to my agent without a pill. Are you aware of that?

Stevie:Did you pull her out of a burning building at some point, or did you sit through She Devil?

She's with William Morris, right?

Jeff Cesario:Larry, if it's any consolation, I pulled my groin once, too, and I know how painful that can be. I heard he had laryngitis. Well, you know, when you pull your groin, your voice has a tendency to go. Yeah. Go up at least, I guess.

Artie:Jamie Lee Curtis has never been on the show, Larry.

Artie:When you were smoking weed, you were kinda funny. But when you started taking these percs and bourbon, it's like you're working behind 8 feet of ice!

Darlene:Hank thinks it's the Santa Ana winds. He said Larry's allergic and his face swells up.

Larry:It's a fucking tic-tac.

Roseanne:Oh... but that's progress.

Larry:I didn't have a drug problem. I was lying because I was covering a nervous breakdown. Number 2, it was on television, so it doesn't mean shit.

Larry:They go through my garbage.

Larry:Yeah, but prescription nonetheless. I think... they're ones that anybody could get or probably did. Anybody takes... addicts.

Larry:Pay up, everybody. So, Paula, you, uh... Paula, how much did you win?

Paula:$200. So you bet that I had a drug problem. Yes, sir.

Larry:Well, consider that a Christmas bonus.

Larry:I believe that's 190 more than you received last year.

Writer:It hurt me when you rejected my gay evangelist sketch.

Larry:Oh, come on. That sketch was over the top. There was a character named Jerry Fagwell in it.

Phil:I'm not the one with the pill problem, you self-destructive asshole.

Hank:Oh. You were just so doped out on drugs, you just... you didn't know what you were saying.

Larry:Hank, that's water under the bridge. I remember, though, exactly what I was saying.

Roseanne:Well, are you sure that you're not just saying that because you want the time slot after my show?

Larry:I don't think so.

Larry:I don't really want your time slot.

Larry:I want you.

Roseanne:Oh, jeez. Say that again.

Larry:I want you.

Roseanne:No. The thing about the time slot.

Larry · Stevie:I don't wanna sound like a cheeseball here, but she's a special lady. Very bright, very talented. / She's with William Morris, right?

Stevie · Larry:Is she happy over there? Is she happy with the representation? / We were talking about my drug problem. / Right. Right.

Larry · Stevie:Thanks for bringing the basket. / Well, I... actually, this is for her. Um, your basket won't be ready until tomorrow. / You like that sugar-free shit, right?

Jeff Cesario · interviewer · Jeff Cesario · unnamed person:Larry, if it's any consolation, I pulled my groin once, too, and I know how painful that can be. / I heard he had laryngitis. / Well, you know, when you pull your groin, your voice has a tendency to go. / Yeah. Go up at least, I guess.

Larry · Roseanne · Larry · Roseanne:What about the Jamie Lee Curtis interview? / Right. That's a perfect example. I thought I was hilarious with Jamie Lee Curtis. I thought I was on my game and very funny. / Jamie Lee Curtis has never been on the show, Larry.

Larry:You know those Nike commercials, I don't know... I don't know what they cost, but that's the kind we... we should have one of the guys who makes that on the show.

Roseanne · Larry:Christ, am I getting through to you at all? / Huh? That would be interesting.

Roseanne:You know that when you were smoking weed, you were kinda funny. But when you started taking these percs and bourbon, it's like you're working behind 8 feet of ice!

unnamed staffer:It looks like all one shot.

unnamed staffer · Hank · unnamed staffer:He's having a nose job, right? / Just say it. / Oh, my God, Darlene, did you hear? Larry's getting pectoral implants.

Darlene · Darlene · unnamed staffer:Oh, that's not funny. / Shouldn't make fun of Larry's pain, whatever it is. / Hank thinks it's the Santa Ana winds. He said Larry's allergic and his face swells up.

Larry · Roseanne · Larry · Roseanne:Get rid of it. Not controlling me anymore. I'm a new man. / It's a fucking tic-tac. / Oh... / But that's progress.

Larry · Roseanne · Larry:I'm not telling the staff. / Come on, you're in recovery now. You're gonna need a lot of support. / I can't go through with this. I'm not... it's none of their fucking business.

Roseanne · Larry:Well, you're the one who went on TV, you go and told the whole country that you were a drug addict when it wasn't even the truth. / That is by far... that is different. There's a big difference. First of all, I didn't have a drug problem. I was lying because I was covering a nervous breakdown. Number 2, it was on television, so it doesn't mean shit.

Larry:No! I don't have to! They go through my garbage.

Larry · unnamed staffer:I thought you'd all be at work at 11:00. / Hey, sport, it's Saturday.

Larry:I have a, uh, no problem with my groin, I'm proud to say.

Larry · unnamed voice · Larry · unnamed voice:I guess Percocet was the main one. / And the diazepam. / I don't remember what the trade name or street name... / Red wowies.

various staff · Stevie · Larry:We love you, Larry. / Yeah. Go get 'em, Larry. / You're my client. / Pay up, everybody.

Larry · Paula · Larry · Paula · Larry · Paula · Larry:So, Paula, you, uh... Paula, how much did you win? / $200. / So you bet that I had a drug problem. / Yes, sir. / Well, consider that a Christmas bonus. / Thank you. / I believe that's 190 more than you received last year.

Hank:Wait a minute. You were taking the pain killers because of the nose job, right? So I should win.

Roseanne · Larry:An important part of this process is that we need to go around the room and everybody needs to tell Larry how his behavior has hurt them. / Who wants to go first? [long beat] / Good. Well, no one seems to have a problem, so, muffins, and then out you go.

Stevie · Roseanne:Roseanne, how'd you like the muffin basket? / Stevie, focus.

unnamed writer · Larry:You know, um, it hurt me when you rejected my gay evangelist sketch. / Oh, come on. That sketch was over the top. There was a character named Jerry Fagwell in it.

Roseanne · Larry · Larry · unnamed writer · Roseanne:Larry, this is not the time to be judgmental. / You didn't see it. That was a piece of garbage, that sketch. / You would've probably liked it. / As I recall, it was just... why... / This is not about me. OK? I'm here to help you. I'm not the one with the pill problem, you self-destructive asshole.

Roseanne · Darlene · Larry:Sorry, Hank. We're out of time. Darlene? / It really hurt me when you called Hank a fat shit. / No, Darlene. It was a talentless fat fuck.

Hank · Larry · Hank:It all makes sense to me now. / What does? / Well, you know, when you called me that hurtful name. Oh. You were just so doped out on drugs, you just... you didn't know what you were saying.

Larry · Larry:Hank, that's water under the bridge. / I remember, though, exactly what I was saying.

Hank · Larry · Hank:It was about the chair height, wasn't it? / Yeah, and I said the chair was too low and it needed to be adjusted... / [extended recap of the chair story] / It's been fixed.

Artie · Artie · Hank:Come on, Hank. Let's go to the smoke house. / We'll bring you some ribs. / All right, see you. Hah. Hup! Hip!

Larry · Roseanne · Larry:Gee, I'm all set. Thanks for coming by. / Oh, boy, you look so much better I can't believe it. / Thanks to you. Have a seat.

Roseanne:Most of the guys I meet are just like walking heaps of shit.

Larry · Roseanne:Will you marry me? / Well, are you sure that you're not just saying that because you want the time slot after my show?

Larry · Larry · Roseanne:I don't really want your time slot. / I want you. / No. The thing about the time slot.